Author Topic: My Story Journey of one Sun  (Read 1511 times)

Online Treasur

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My Story Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #50 on: July 02, 2019, 11:20:21 AM »
Aim for calm as a goal for you my friend...bc life is better there.
But as you say, we all slip and fall and anniversaries have an odd effect sometimes -  if your h can't deal with that, then hey ho. But you carry on doing you, dear girl....bc that is something you can invest in and know life will get better and easier if you keep doing so. Hug from here.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #51 on: July 13, 2019, 11:37:42 AM »
I just discovered that D15 is aware her father has been unfaithful and she is adamant I divorce him! We have been slowly in recovery, OW is gone now almost a year, and far far away. What is different for us is that I moved with the kids before any D-Day scenario, yes he monstered at us all but due to worsening financial situation kids and I left to ease his burden financially by my getting a job. Everything spiralled from there.

I really need advice on how to talk to my daughter, and if I should even try to discuss with my H.

My instinct is to explain that her father is mentally unstable but loves her and is trying to make things right by his family, this is the truth. And that parents make mistakes and can work through them sometimes.

I worry she will lose respect for me. But i’m more worried about damage to her.

Please, anyone with teenagers, I welcome guidance!

Online Treasur

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #52 on: July 13, 2019, 01:15:19 PM »
Outwith my experience but maybe one of the mods can help bc I remember someone else asking and there was a link to an old thread with really good advice on just this.

Fwiw...bc I remember being a 15 year old girl lol....I think age-appropriate truth is the way to go. MLC and depression create too much lies and gaslighting as it is. Imho all of us are stronger looking reality in the eye rather than pretending...it is sad bc of course your daughter will never see her father in quite the same way but unfortunately that it a consequence of his choices too. If MLC is too complicated to explain, I would recommend calling it depression and looking at the storied mind website which has some good explanations of why depressed men leave for fantasy greener grass and blow their lives up. Stick to the bare facts and also keep your boundaries as an adult, a mother and a wife.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #53 on: July 28, 2019, 11:11:02 PM »
She's 15 years old and doesn't get a 'say' in whether you get divorced or not.

Tell her things are not always as they seem and she will understand one day when she has some life experience of her own.  She needs a strong parent with this one, not one who worries about what her daughter will think.  Show her who you are by being strong and decisive with your answer.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline seahorse

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #54 on: November 06, 2019, 07:45:17 PM »
Sun - attaching...

Sea
Seahorses have one mate for life...

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #55 on: November 07, 2019, 05:56:07 PM »
I haven’t written much lately although I do follow along with many posters. Things progress very slowly. I have my ups and downs but generally feel strong. I find myself dealing with issues that anger/hurt/disturb me one by one, looking at them and letting the pain go where I can. I still harbour some revenge fantasies against the OW, haha, exposing her to her well to do family. I won’t do it of course I just feel empowered sort of knowing that I could. Yeah, not a healthy idea. Working on really understanding that she’s nothing.

 My husband is connecting very much with the kids, far more involved with them than he ever was before. He is respectful to me but no words of affirmation beyond insisting he doesn’t want to divorce. He says he loves me, he calls me his wife and we behave as a family, there’s just a wall he’s built around himself. Takes time, yes I know.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #56 on: November 07, 2019, 11:39:58 PM »
If he's saying he loves you this early in the timeline, he's probably going through a transition rather than full blown crisis.  You will still need all the patience in the world but good he's being a father to your kids.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #57 on: November 08, 2019, 01:09:34 PM »
I appreciate the reply but it does feel a bit dismissive. He’s been home just over a year, after 2 years with OW after a couple of years of monstering, I don’t consider this just a transition. I guess this is why people in reconnection don’t post much. Please just ignore me.

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #58 on: November 08, 2019, 10:18:34 PM »
Sunandshade, your timeline says BD was in 2018, that's a really short time for a MLC.  I'm definitely not trying to diminish your pain and know it's real, but the date of BD for us it's the beginning of crisis.  On reflection we see they were not themselves for a year or two before BD but that's not counted (unfortunately).

Is it possible the BD date you posted is wrong?  2-3 years is also too short as has been shown time and time again the crisis lasts at least five years and even that is a short time.  They need time to get through all of the stuff that went wrong in childhood and that takes them many years.

I hope your H continues along a positive path but after this amount of time I would be watching his actions carefully.  I know it sounds pessimistic but I would be wary.  We need to be careful of our hearts, he broke it once and there's no way any of us would want a repeat of that.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline SunandshadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Journey of one Sun
« Reply #59 on: November 09, 2019, 01:15:52 PM »
I’m not actually interested in arguing with anyone.

For clarity, I did something unusual, I LEFT HIM. He was monstering and spending all our money and I left him in 2017. OW was already in place but I didn’t Know that.

I found out about OW in 2018, which was my awakening I guess, and that’s why I put this date as BD.

Left completely to his own devices he crashed and burned in 1 year. I never begged and pleaded because I never knew what was going on with him. This is ultimate rope drop. All by accident, just circumstances. I should add that he gave us no money during this year. He wanted to be irresponsible, I completely let him. If he wants to leave he knows where the door is. He doesn’t.

I can’t comment on his FOO issues, I honestly don’t know anyone with an easy perfect childhood, his seems no worse than mine and I keep my s**t together.

I would say we are early reconnection, not reconciled and he’s not ok but no more monster, he does acts of service, no words of sorrow, etc. This is where I’m at.

 

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