Author Topic: My Story Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!  (Read 1848 times)

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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My Story Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« on: April 30, 2019, 04:32:27 PM »
This weekend marks the 3rd anniversary of BD for me. Mother's Day 2016. 

Well thank you all who came in and talked me down yesterday.  I was a bit of a mess I must confess. Much more so than I thought I would be at this point. But I realized that it being the 3 year mark may, in itself be a trigger. So I will cut myself a break. H did text me this am an apology for not responding last night. But he told me that he now has to do the ex parties and must be at work by 7:45. I find I don't believe him and even if I did, it wouldn't matter. Doesn't change the fact that he is with OW.

I know that heading into year 4, these crazy MLCers get worse, not better. Deeper into the tunnel so to speak. And that is a hard pill to swallow b/c I have such a hard time accepting this all as my reality. I know this b/c I was so gut punched seeing OW's son's lacrosse bag sitting right next to my son's bag.  That is who H's people are now. Not me. And sadly, not even S anymore. But I have noticed this withdrawal from me and S12 for a few months now, probably since mid October last year and it has been gradually getting worse.

So where am I 3 years after my formerly love-struck and solid H of 15 years lost his sh!te and took up with his squatty bailiff?  At the time I remember thinking, "My life is a mess--Personal (Marriage is over); Financial (I owe a massive amount of taxes and have huge debt); Professional (I may have lost my biggest client); and Health (I was just finishing Chemo and about to start Radiation when H left)."  And now I was faced with the idea that I would be alone and raising a then 9 year old on my own.  Everything triggered me. A lightbulb going out. "But H always changed those!" The back gate was broken--"Who would fix that. H always handled that."

Fast forward to today. A list if you will:

1.  Personal--Marriage still deader than dead. Ha! But I have renewed my friendships with both high school and college besties. I never would have spent this amount of time with any of them if still with H. And these are ride or die friends. They've been there for me in ways I never would have imagined.  I have been able to spend more quality time with my Dad and Sister who I adore. Also, didn't do a lot of that when H was around. I have lots of great friends and family and I now take full advantage!

2.  Financial --No more credit card debt and taxes all paid!  I am in a better financial position than ever. I realized that H and I together were spenders. We made a lot, but spent more. Now I don't do that. 

3. Professional--Well I did lose a large chunk of that client. And all of the lawyers I brought with me on the merge  have since left. But it has presented an even bigger and better opportunity for me which is pretty huge. Now I am the managing partner in my office with a firm that is highly supportive me growing my business in any direction I choose.

4. Health--I  basically kicked cancer's a$$. LOL.  Mine was detected early and the more "garden variety" so more easily treated and it did respond. I eat much healthier now and eat out only as a treat.

5. Single Mom--I'm killin that one. I was afraid I was not going to be enough. Turns out, I am just right. Would love for my boy to have a Father. But right now, that just is not going to happen. S12 and I are as close as we could be. I adore him--and he adores me. I find I have much more patience than before. And really try to enjoy the "small" moments, taking full advantage of my boy while I can.

6. Lightbulbs? No sweat. Even starting a few purging projects and re-decorating.

7.  The back gate? I found a handyman who fixed the gates, installed a new iron one in front of the house, lots of security cameras and lights too, regularly cleans my rain gutters, and pretty much anything I need him to do.

I read somewhere that we must do more than count our blessings, we must live them too. I'm glad I made this list. I was pretty beat up before. But now feeling re-invigorated. (Can you say rapid fire cycling???)  I do have many blessings. And now I intend to live them.

As for H, I am a work in progress in letting go. It's been over a month since any kind of "personal" communication from me. And I intend to let it go even more. Should be easier since I will have little to no interaction with him now that he isn't taking S12 to school. Yes, I still love him.  But that is irrelevant as he is a bit of a train wreck presently.

And last but not least, you my HS family. Thank you for your words of wisdom, kind support, loving prayers and occasional 2x4's (I'm looking at you Ursa!).  Not sure where I would be without you.

Previous Thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10747.0;all
« Last Edit: April 30, 2019, 04:56:26 PM by KeepItTogether »
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2019, 04:49:29 PM »
These anniversary dates as well as "holidays" are really hard. One of our members had her birthday, Mother's day, anniversary and BD all around the same date!

What they do to our children.....shows over and over again..it isn't us they are running from but the whole "family"...there is absolutely nothing that that I would do to cause me to turn away from our daughter...seeing her hurt is really hard for me. I had a good relationship with my parents, my husband had a good relationship with his parents. Family mattered..this life that they leave..it matters...we do the best we can KIT and our kids know it.

The on ly words I have is be gentle with  yourself around these dates. I am surprised at the "timing" sometimes...sometimes I feel terrible before the date and sometimes after..but one way or the other, I cannot shake it off as just another day.

Keep writing, we are listening.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2019, 05:20:54 PM »
Beautiful thoughts Kit.  It doesn't diminish the pain, but you really have done an amazing job of putting/keeping your life together for you and your son.  You should be so proud of yourself on all the growth.  We didn't ask for any of this, but it is a silver lining when we see how strong we are, and what we can accomplish on our own.  I am very sorry that it is the 3 yr BD anniversary.  It is tough, but sounds as if you have lots of support around you, and of course you have all of us.  When you are sad, know that there are people who understand and genuinely care about you. :)
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2019, 05:42:21 PM »
KIT, Following along.  Sorry about the upcoming anniversary.  It hurts.  But, in these three years, you have had some amazing accomplishments.  And, you are truly killin #5 as a really strong single mom!  Live those blessings. 
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline gman242

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2019, 06:19:18 PM »
Awesome reflection :) we must be on a similar time line.. Same length of marriage and year 4 coming up in July for me.

Following along!

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2019, 06:30:54 PM »
Welcome to the 3rd year KIT!

You sound great and strong and I’m following along to see where your own journey takes you.  I love your self reflection list.  I may have to do the same in my next thread. 

No matter what happens with your H and your marriage, you and your S are going to be just fine. You should be proud of this fact. 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline heroIam

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2019, 07:21:23 PM »
Following along.
 :)
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2019, 08:27:10 PM »
Coming with you as always!! You are doing great!! Love your list! 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline handpuppets

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #8 on: April 30, 2019, 09:13:01 PM »
Attaching, KIT.

Slowly but surely you have found your footing. You got this! Even in the crappy moments, you got this. <3
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline Music45

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #9 on: April 30, 2019, 11:38:10 PM »
Go you, KiT! Sticking with you.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

 

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