Author Topic: My Story Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!  (Read 1845 times)

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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My Story Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« on: April 30, 2019, 04:32:27 PM »
This weekend marks the 3rd anniversary of BD for me. Mother's Day 2016. 

Well thank you all who came in and talked me down yesterday.  I was a bit of a mess I must confess. Much more so than I thought I would be at this point. But I realized that it being the 3 year mark may, in itself be a trigger. So I will cut myself a break. H did text me this am an apology for not responding last night. But he told me that he now has to do the ex parties and must be at work by 7:45. I find I don't believe him and even if I did, it wouldn't matter. Doesn't change the fact that he is with OW.

I know that heading into year 4, these crazy MLCers get worse, not better. Deeper into the tunnel so to speak. And that is a hard pill to swallow b/c I have such a hard time accepting this all as my reality. I know this b/c I was so gut punched seeing OW's son's lacrosse bag sitting right next to my son's bag.  That is who H's people are now. Not me. And sadly, not even S anymore. But I have noticed this withdrawal from me and S12 for a few months now, probably since mid October last year and it has been gradually getting worse.

So where am I 3 years after my formerly love-struck and solid H of 15 years lost his sh!te and took up with his squatty bailiff?  At the time I remember thinking, "My life is a mess--Personal (Marriage is over); Financial (I owe a massive amount of taxes and have huge debt); Professional (I may have lost my biggest client); and Health (I was just finishing Chemo and about to start Radiation when H left)."  And now I was faced with the idea that I would be alone and raising a then 9 year old on my own.  Everything triggered me. A lightbulb going out. "But H always changed those!" The back gate was broken--"Who would fix that. H always handled that."

Fast forward to today. A list if you will:

1.  Personal--Marriage still deader than dead. Ha! But I have renewed my friendships with both high school and college besties. I never would have spent this amount of time with any of them if still with H. And these are ride or die friends. They've been there for me in ways I never would have imagined.  I have been able to spend more quality time with my Dad and Sister who I adore. Also, didn't do a lot of that when H was around. I have lots of great friends and family and I now take full advantage!

2.  Financial --No more credit card debt and taxes all paid!  I am in a better financial position than ever. I realized that H and I together were spenders. We made a lot, but spent more. Now I don't do that. 

3. Professional--Well I did lose a large chunk of that client. And all of the lawyers I brought with me on the merge  have since left. But it has presented an even bigger and better opportunity for me which is pretty huge. Now I am the managing partner in my office with a firm that is highly supportive me growing my business in any direction I choose.

4. Health--I  basically kicked cancer's a$$. LOL.  Mine was detected early and the more "garden variety" so more easily treated and it did respond. I eat much healthier now and eat out only as a treat.

5. Single Mom--I'm killin that one. I was afraid I was not going to be enough. Turns out, I am just right. Would love for my boy to have a Father. But right now, that just is not going to happen. S12 and I are as close as we could be. I adore him--and he adores me. I find I have much more patience than before. And really try to enjoy the "small" moments, taking full advantage of my boy while I can.

6. Lightbulbs? No sweat. Even starting a few purging projects and re-decorating.

7.  The back gate? I found a handyman who fixed the gates, installed a new iron one in front of the house, lots of security cameras and lights too, regularly cleans my rain gutters, and pretty much anything I need him to do.

I read somewhere that we must do more than count our blessings, we must live them too. I'm glad I made this list. I was pretty beat up before. But now feeling re-invigorated. (Can you say rapid fire cycling???)  I do have many blessings. And now I intend to live them.

As for H, I am a work in progress in letting go. It's been over a month since any kind of "personal" communication from me. And I intend to let it go even more. Should be easier since I will have little to no interaction with him now that he isn't taking S12 to school. Yes, I still love him.  But that is irrelevant as he is a bit of a train wreck presently.

And last but not least, you my HS family. Thank you for your words of wisdom, kind support, loving prayers and occasional 2x4's (I'm looking at you Ursa!).  Not sure where I would be without you.

Previous Thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10747.0;all
« Last Edit: April 30, 2019, 04:56:26 PM by KeepItTogether »
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #1 on: April 30, 2019, 04:49:29 PM »
These anniversary dates as well as "holidays" are really hard. One of our members had her birthday, Mother's day, anniversary and BD all around the same date!

What they do to our children.....shows over and over again..it isn't us they are running from but the whole "family"...there is absolutely nothing that that I would do to cause me to turn away from our daughter...seeing her hurt is really hard for me. I had a good relationship with my parents, my husband had a good relationship with his parents. Family mattered..this life that they leave..it matters...we do the best we can KIT and our kids know it.

The on ly words I have is be gentle with  yourself around these dates. I am surprised at the "timing" sometimes...sometimes I feel terrible before the date and sometimes after..but one way or the other, I cannot shake it off as just another day.

Keep writing, we are listening.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #2 on: April 30, 2019, 05:20:54 PM »
Beautiful thoughts Kit.  It doesn't diminish the pain, but you really have done an amazing job of putting/keeping your life together for you and your son.  You should be so proud of yourself on all the growth.  We didn't ask for any of this, but it is a silver lining when we see how strong we are, and what we can accomplish on our own.  I am very sorry that it is the 3 yr BD anniversary.  It is tough, but sounds as if you have lots of support around you, and of course you have all of us.  When you are sad, know that there are people who understand and genuinely care about you. :)
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #3 on: April 30, 2019, 05:42:21 PM »
KIT, Following along.  Sorry about the upcoming anniversary.  It hurts.  But, in these three years, you have had some amazing accomplishments.  And, you are truly killin #5 as a really strong single mom!  Live those blessings. 
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline gman242

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #4 on: April 30, 2019, 06:19:18 PM »
Awesome reflection :) we must be on a similar time line.. Same length of marriage and year 4 coming up in July for me.

Following along!

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #5 on: April 30, 2019, 06:30:54 PM »
Welcome to the 3rd year KIT!

You sound great and strong and I’m following along to see where your own journey takes you.  I love your self reflection list.  I may have to do the same in my next thread. 

No matter what happens with your H and your marriage, you and your S are going to be just fine. You should be proud of this fact. 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline heroIam

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #6 on: April 30, 2019, 07:21:23 PM »
Following along.
 :)
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #7 on: April 30, 2019, 08:27:10 PM »
Coming with you as always!! You are doing great!! Love your list! 
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline handpuppets

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #8 on: April 30, 2019, 09:13:01 PM »
Attaching, KIT.

Slowly but surely you have found your footing. You got this! Even in the crappy moments, you got this. <3
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline Music45

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #9 on: April 30, 2019, 11:38:10 PM »
Go you, KiT! Sticking with you.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline sachat3

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #10 on: May 01, 2019, 12:00:02 AM »
Staying with you KIT. I also love you lost. Whilst we don’t “enjoy” MLC we definitely enjoy the silver linings to that cloud!
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Evermore

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #11 on: May 01, 2019, 12:18:36 AM »
Hello KIT. Following your story. The pain and disappointment in your last post was so very obvious. So glad you’re feeling stronger today.
M: 48
H: 51
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.
Moved in with OW 'by stealth' Dec18-Jan19? (just started staying over and not staying at 'home' anymore (caravan at his brothers))

Offline Nerissa

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #12 on: May 01, 2019, 12:37:39 AM »
I’m so sorry your H is doing what’s easiest for him in the moment.  I do believe he is likely to feel
Very sorry one day.  I think you  have done well to get  out of despondency so quickly and even better to keep yourself and S doing so well under the hardest of circumstances. 

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #13 on: May 01, 2019, 02:35:42 AM »
KIT

I loved your response to H’s e-mail about not picking up S atm. ‘Sure. Hope all is ok’. Underestimated in how hard that would have been to do and also how brilliant a response it was.

Also love your list. So glad you have a handyman to help, good for you. I am in similar situation (without a handyman) being on my own with the children and making sure I somehow get lightbulbs changed and gates fixed. I know how it feels being ‘in charge’ and how satisfying it is getting these things ticked off the to do list!

I do hate that he didn’t turn round and even acknowledge you though. It hurts doesn’t it.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #14 on: May 01, 2019, 11:29:28 AM »
What a great list that is KIT and you are daggone straight you are kicking a$$ all the way around.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #15 on: May 01, 2019, 05:52:39 PM »
KIT - you are headed into year four with a great outlook.  It's going to bode well for you! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #16 on: May 01, 2019, 06:06:31 PM »
Following along Kit

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #17 on: May 01, 2019, 08:59:36 PM »
Omg I am beyond flattered and humbled that all of you awesome folks are here with  me!  Also, there might have been a little Rose tonight so....


I would like to share this evening’s convo with the MLCer:

H: “Can S come to the game tomorrow night? It’s the D2 championship game. Kind of a big deal.”

Me: “No it’s too late in the eve. It’s a school night.  Sorry.”

H: “All the other kids are going.”

H: “I’ll have him home by 9:30.”

H: “Please.”

Choosing my battles......

Me: “Good Lord—ok. But please feed him this time.”

H: “I will. Sorry.”

And really.....did a 46 year old man-boy/judge  actually say “all the other kids are doing it?????”

Wow. So MIL  May go too bc she thinks OW is going—pretty good chance. And she wants a fight. Is it wrong that I secretly love this?

Anyway, just another installment of “As the Dysfunctional World Turns” .....
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #18 on: May 01, 2019, 11:47:51 PM »
KIT

He’s so like a teenager isn’t he. Well done for picking your battle and also pointing him in the direction of feeding S.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Whyus

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #19 on: May 02, 2019, 12:16:27 AM »
Following along KIT. You have come so far in 3 years, you can be proud of yourself.
Your last post says alot about your H, he is like a teen.
I think that you have made a good decision in letting your S go to the game. Picking your battles is so important, we cant constantly be in a battlezone can we?

This stuck out from your opening post:-"I found a handyman who fixed the gates, installed a new iron one in front of the house, lots of security cameras and lights too, regularly cleans my rain gutters, and pretty much anything I need him to do. "

Go you, thats just what you Need, somebody to clean your "gutters"  ;) (im bad)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Silver

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #20 on: May 02, 2019, 12:33:35 AM »
Attaching KIT
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #21 on: May 02, 2019, 07:59:34 AM »
OK KiT,

What I REALLY want to know and will have to wait now to find out until tomorrow...

Did H REALLY have S12 back by 9:30 and did he feed him......

I have this mental movie though of him standing there with his fists on his hips, his bottom lip sticking out, stomping, and whining "But Mooooooooommmmmmm ... Allllll the other kids are going...."

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Milly

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #22 on: May 02, 2019, 09:30:21 AM »
Kit, joining your new thread and I'm so glad to see you are cycling upwards again.

I'm sorry you have BD anniversary coming up this weekend. That is a tough date for most of us. You will get through it in your usual amazing way. I would be tempted to go all out and make it a great BD anniversary. The one where things are changing in you!

I'm also glad you let S go to the game with your H. Your S will love going. That's what great mums are for!

And your list, what a great job of everything you've done these three years!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #23 on: May 02, 2019, 10:11:37 AM »
Just shakin my head here.  ::)

I am with UM, just waiting to see if he was home by 9:30 and was fed a meal. Like a real meal... not cotton candy and skittles.  Because two unsupervised 12 year olds would eat that for dinner.

I am not so secretly cheering for MIL.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #24 on: May 02, 2019, 10:27:08 AM »
"All the other kids are going"   -----  What the what
Are all the other married dads bringing their girlfriends ?

My mind is blown, I must try to find it
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #25 on: May 02, 2019, 10:32:57 AM »
LOL--you guys are funny!! The big game is tonight. So we shall see. I fully expect I will start getting the frantic texts from H around 9:25 saying they are "running late."

The reason I mentioned the dinner thing was b/c the last time H took him to a home game, he didn't get home until nearly 11. Had no dinner and no shower.  And a little homework left to be done. He was wrecked for the next 3 days.  H was so excited about the big win that night that he was heading out to celebrate. But of course, couldn't be bothered to drive through a Taco Bell to feed his son. I never said anything about that night. That's why I mentioned it this time. And I do think H follows instructions on that level.  And S reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeally wanted to go tonight. So I had to say yes. Besides, apparently all the other kids are doing it!  ::)
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #26 on: May 02, 2019, 10:33:30 AM »
Are all the other married dads bringing their girlfriends ?


OMG--Dying Schratz! So funny!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #27 on: May 02, 2019, 11:33:30 AM »
We have to wait another day... to be continued. Bummer.  I have noticed that they do tend to follow Mom's instructions... like a 13 year old.   

Schratz.... so, so funny.
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #28 on: May 02, 2019, 07:24:36 PM »
Here's the question I'd like answered - HOW does he know ALL the other kids are going?  Did he ask ALL of them, does he have their phone numbers?  If he has, that's a bit creepy :-X

What a teenage boy he is and I'm not talking about your son, obviously ;D

Hope S gets fed and enjoys the game.

When you find out, what did he feed him? I always find MLCers choices interesting.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #29 on: May 03, 2019, 02:57:46 AM »
"All the other kids are going"   -----  What the what
Are all the other married dads bringing their girlfriends ?

There is DEFINITELY a seat reserved for you on the HS "Bus To Hades" for snarky comments but that one is TOO funny!

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #30 on: May 03, 2019, 05:37:42 AM »
I think we all want to know what time S got home and what he had for supper.
Hopefully, not at 12 midnight and not just a chocolate bar.

I’m going to get a bet going here.

S got home at 10.34pm
He was fed a chocolate bar and ice cream

Quick, before KIT gets here.   Place your bet.
« Last Edit: May 03, 2019, 05:58:10 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Whyus

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #31 on: May 03, 2019, 05:43:55 AM »
11:10pm, 2 hot Dogs and a cola  ;)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #32 on: May 03, 2019, 05:53:27 AM »
after 10pm, and fed a hot dog at the game :)
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #33 on: May 03, 2019, 05:54:09 AM »
21:57 and a bag of McRubbish....
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #34 on: May 03, 2019, 06:31:00 AM »
Yes, Ursa - almost wrote McDonalds too!
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #35 on: May 03, 2019, 06:48:55 AM »
21.48 and dinner was a bag of pretzels
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online Treasur

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #36 on: May 03, 2019, 07:08:55 AM »
1030....and he 'forgot'...and got cross with your son for whining he was hungry?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #37 on: May 03, 2019, 08:13:55 AM »
Lol—you guys are too funny!

Schratz you must be psychic! 9:48 (consulted my Ring footage) and dinner was a bag of chips and candy. So yes Rubbish it is. To be fair, he was at a game and Dad just gave him money to get what he wanted. Oh, and H left my check when he came by earlier to get S’s lacrosse stick. Full amount for May but still owes from before. But I didn’t have to ask this time!

I stayed upstairs when he dropped S12. He was soaking wet apparently bc they doused him With the water cooler. I did congratulate him. Maybe this will bring him the happiness that I sucked out of him all those years.  ::)
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Tyks

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #38 on: May 03, 2019, 08:35:47 AM »
Lol, I doubt it will being him any happiness. He isn't doing any work on himself just like my xh. And you did not suck the happiness out of him. But I am sure you were joking
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Online Treasur

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #39 on: May 03, 2019, 08:58:28 AM »
Although I like the idea of throwing water over MLC spouses...maybe a medieval public ducking stool?  ;)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #40 on: May 03, 2019, 09:02:58 AM »
LOL--yes Tykes no work for him presently. There was an IC for a while but I think that is over since he didn't get that instant gratification.  He has admitted to me that this was all on him though. Not me. So there's that. But he remains with head firmly in the sand. 

Treasur I quite agree!! Of course, this was H's moment. Out there on the field with the crowd cheering him on while his team won the championship. Every high school boy's dream come true.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #41 on: May 03, 2019, 09:59:04 AM »
Do I win a crowd cheer for being right on the money....lol....
And he couldn't have been home by 21.30 because I am sure the crowd cheer took up quite a bit of time.
I am so glad the man finally got the recognition he so deserves - celebrated and cheered like the King he was destined to be had you not sucked the life and happiness out of him...



But at least you have your money for May - so there's my positive spin on this ridiculousness :)
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #42 on: May 03, 2019, 10:27:33 AM »
Wow I am just catching up from your last thread....

I really enjoyed reading your positive life review. You are smashing it with style pretty lady.  8)

Also happy to see MLCer made an effort with the game.

But I did want to say that I was reading about where you said husband is no longer going to see son one to one, and you just replied ''sure, hope everything is okay''.

I would give it a few weeks and see if he makes other time for son, but if not...if this game was a one off... and if you start to see son getting upset about not seeing dad..

I think you should calmly write out a text or email and simply say that you are worried about your son. Tell him that son really looked forward to that alone time with his father, and you understand that for whatever reason he can not commit to the school run, but it is very important that he has time with just him and son. Offer up some suggestions (every Tuesday afternoon...or whatever suits).

Personally I feel that this is one of those things that we do need to gently fight for, not for us or the MLCer, but for our kids. Figure out a calm cool way to explain WHY it is important for SON, and do not budge on it. What is the worst thing he will say? No?  ::)

I had to do this to get Wed contact for my little ones, because Beast was happy with every other weekend and a random drop round when he felt like it. I explained that the kids went from a full time father to an every other weekend dad overnight. That is to difficult for them blah blah blah. I told him he needs to pick 1 day a week when he can comes see them in addition to the every other weekend.

I told him I didn't care if he wanted me to drop them off, if he wanted to collect them, if he didn't want to see my face at all during it that was okay...but he had to see them.

It worked, and the kids are happier they know when they can see their dad.

It is probably also important to note that when I talked to him about it I wasn't asking his permission. I was telling him kindly yet firmly this is what they needed.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #43 on: May 03, 2019, 10:38:00 PM »
Late as usual but I'm following along, KIT.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Online Milly

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #44 on: May 04, 2019, 02:25:36 AM »
Oh, I missed the betting! Funny!

What an image of Mcteen applauded by his peers and covered in cold water. He's every girl's dream!

I kind of agree with Morte about saying something if after a few weeks, you feel that S is missing seeing his dad regularly and one on one. I know it's a hard conversation, but the MLCer will get worse if he feels he can. But you will be the best judge of this in the end. Don't be scared to say it as it is though, like Morte said, what's he going to do? leave you? I think it's all about the wording and tone of voice. This is one of the big lessons for me since BD.

You sound pretty good though. Hope you have a good weekend.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #45 on: May 04, 2019, 05:11:21 PM »
Caught up and attaching.  I'm sad for S12 that his F is not going to be doing the school run, but it may be easier on you not to see the Judge every morning.  Hopefully a time for him to see S12 will get figured out. 

D16 is getting awful sick of the back and forth.  She talks often about becoming an adult and not having to do it anymore.  I realize that their relationship post graduation will be between the two of them.  S14 doesn't say anything about it, so I have no idea how he feels.
M-40
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-13
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #46 on: May 04, 2019, 05:18:13 PM »
Thanks guys. Yes I think you are right. I have to be an advocate for S12. I’ll be nice but firm about it. I’ll have to come up with something. I’ll pass it by you guys first bc I tend to be too wordy with my McTeen.

So today was the last lacrosse game of the season. It was a tourney and our boys came in second. Bummer but they played well. As we were leaving the parking lot, H hugged S goodbye. I was walking toward them but he didn’t know I was there. As he turned around to walk to his car, I could see he was crying like a baby. Came face to face with me and tried to cover it up but too late . I saw it. He’s sad bc this is, in his mind, the last “approved” Father son time with him. Future visits will be highly regulated by OW. Should be interesting.

Proud mom moment tho—end of the losing game, all the coaches were saying nice speeches about the boys. Great season. You played your hearts out. Still league champs.... Coaches told them to bring it in for one final cheer.  Out of the blue, Captain S12 says, “Boys, we may have lost this game. But we didn’t lose as family and we never will.” He’s my heart for sure.   
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online Milly

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #47 on: May 05, 2019, 03:32:01 AM »
Oh Kit your S! Had a lump in my throat and that doesn’t happen to me easily. Eye on the prize.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Online Treasur

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #48 on: May 05, 2019, 03:52:50 AM »
What a lovely moment with your son, Kit.

In terms of the new arrangements, if any...what would your son like do you think? You could keep it super simple and do one of two things....either text that your son would like to see him once a week/month in x way and ask him if he wants to do that. Or ask him what his new plan is for spending time with his son for the next few months so you can schedule it. Few words, no emotion, just practical stuff. But I would ask your son what he wants first maybe?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #49 on: May 06, 2019, 04:25:57 AM »
I saw it. He’s sad bc this is, in his mind, the last “approved” Father son time with him. Future visits will be highly regulated by OW. Should be interesting.

Judgy McCoach needs to grow a set wrt S.... and maintain some sort of regular contact, ... OW not liking it should give him a HUGE freaking wake-up call

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #50 on: May 06, 2019, 04:36:23 AM »
OW not liking it should give him a HUGE freaking wake-up call
To a normal Adult/Father it would be, but ..... well you know what they are like  :P
Still, what a shame that he hasnt got enough balls to make a stand for your S  :-[.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #51 on: May 06, 2019, 04:51:05 AM »
Attaching.  ;D
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #52 on: May 06, 2019, 09:47:36 AM »
Thank you all. I have a strange little update from this am. H showed up. Not to take S12 to school, but to give me money. See, he paid me my May check, but was still short from before (a full month and a half is what he still owes). I never mentioned it. But here is how he gave it to me. In 3 packs of hundred dollar bills. Apparently he won the trifecta from the derby. I was happy he brought it to me without me reminding him. (Still short but nowhere near as much and this was over 2/3 what he still owed.)

Of course I was immediately triggered too b/c the Kentucky Derby was always something we celebrated. Always had parties. We loved going to the races. He still does apparently, only not with me.  :'( Doesn't help that it literally is the 3rd anniversary of BD--it was Kentucky Derby/Mother's Day weekend. I was nice initially and joking with him until he brought up the derby, then I went cold and just left the room. Did NOT want to cry in front of him. But then I immediately regretted that decision.

So, me being idiotic me, sent him an e-mail thanking him for remembering the money and that I wasn't angry, that I was triggered by the Derby and a little sad. He said no worries, sorry (as usual) and to have fun on my trip out of town.  I didn't respond, so he sent a follow up saying he wasn't being sarcastic, that he truly wanted me to have a good time. I have no idea how he even knows I am going out of town, but whatevs. I will respond to this last one later today re: spending time with S12.  But I need to think that one through a little.

Anyway, I knew Id be sad this weekend. But bright side is I now have 3 packs on hundred dollar bills in my wallet. You really cannot make this crap up. Who does that? I know him pretty well. My gut tells me he brought the cash intentionally b/c he was bragging about winning. The races were our thing and he was proud bringing his winnings to "mommy." Seriously, I just cannot some days. 
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #53 on: May 06, 2019, 11:04:51 AM »
As disturbing as it is that he had to show 'mommy' his winnings - I bet you are right on with that.
Because just as easily could he have mailed a check with the money he owed you but i guess it wouldn't have had the same affect as proudly showing of his winnings. Dang these folks are basketcases…..

Don't blame you one bit for just walking out of the kitchen - but girl, there was no need to email him an apology - you didn't do anything to apologize for.

Derby weekend is a small trigger for me as well, MIL always had a girls get together on Derby day and I am sure she did again this year except I'm no longer welcome.


Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #54 on: May 06, 2019, 11:31:42 AM »
"Approved" father time? Oh for the love of all thing holy is he really crying about that... because if he is he is a full blown coward. He is lucky he is married to you because I would have chewed him out right there in the parking lot.  My fat jailor won't let me see my kid... boo-hoo.  Go fish.

And the money... it is like a cat bringing home a dead mouse.  Probably hiding it from his jailor.

Wow, just wow Judge.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #55 on: May 06, 2019, 02:45:25 PM »
Schratz--I hear ya. I just figure I would apologize to anyone who I did that too, and H is no more familiar to me than a stranger anyway. It is more who I am trying to be rather than what I think H deserves, which isn't much.

DF--the cat with the dead mouse for sure!!

OK, so I did end up firing off an e-mail to H about S. Rationale was that I am not feeling particularly emotional, and that if I can get this out of my system, then I won't stress about it the rest of the month. I know, sounds pathetic, but I do get anxiety when I have to contact H over anything these days.

Here is what I wrote:

"S will be staying with MIL this weekend so I was hoping you might spend some one-on-one time with him. And then, for after that, let's come up with a plan for you to spend some regular time with him. My only caveat is that he not be around OW and her family. It isn't personal, it is just putting S12's best interests on top. A boy needs his Dad and this one misses you a lot."

His response: "I miss him too where are u going?"  :o

Beyond frustrating. And no, I have no intention of responding. And clearly, he has no intention of spending any time with S. What a giant LOSER.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #56 on: May 06, 2019, 05:24:41 PM »
Sorry he's being such a knucklehead. Three stacks of Benjamins? Was he wearing a track suit when he brought them to you? Sheesh!

I'm glad your son has you in his corner. My Dad left us when I was 13. Even though I didn't really express it at the time, (and mistakes were made!) I am very thankful for my Mom doing the best she could for me. It made a huge difference.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #57 on: May 06, 2019, 06:59:55 PM »
KIT, I am horrified that your H responded the way he did.  You sent such a nice thoughtful gracious message.  I had been impressed when I first read in your threads how he had continued to drive your son to school and now, poof--all over. Has your son said anything about how he feels about the new morning "routine"?  I am sad for your son.
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline Whyus

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #58 on: May 06, 2019, 11:40:16 PM »
His response: "I miss him too where are u going?"  :o
What a tool  ??? Sorry KIT, stay strong.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Music45

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #59 on: May 06, 2019, 11:46:24 PM »
Urgh, KiT. Sorry you're getting all this shizzle. He's a mess alright, isn't he?
Thinking of you.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #60 on: May 07, 2019, 02:54:17 AM »
Here is what I wrote:

"S will be staying with MIL this weekend so I was hoping you might spend some one-on-one time with him. And then, for after that, let's come up with a plan for you to spend some regular time with him. My only caveat is that he not be around OW and her family. It isn't personal, it is just putting S12's best interests on top. A boy needs his Dad and this one misses you a lot."

His response: "I miss him too where are u going?"  :o

Beyond frustrating. And no, I have no intention of responding. And clearly, he has no intention of spending any time with S. What a giant LOSER.

And now, Ladies and Gentlemen, the next instalment of "Stupid $#!t that Mid-Lifers Say!" or "We Couldn't Make This Up if We Tried!"starring Coachy McJudge

I mean, seriously... He is apparently more concerned about where you are going (anchor check much there Coach) than about spending time with his kid....


As far as the Stacks of Benji's... He knew bloody well he'd better cough up SOMETHING since he knew he was way behind and he was bragging bout winning.... Since he did it in cash, FJ won't be the wiser.... (Fat Jailer)
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Treasur

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #61 on: May 07, 2019, 04:07:32 AM »
Perfect example of MLC bonkers and attempted distraction by responding to a simple question with something tangential...good lord, I'm amazed sometimes they can even walk in a straight line...
Anchor check as others say
Plus, weirdly, in true 'uncle dad' form, it is as if he thinks he is the babysitter so your request about his plans to see his son must be about your plans to be away....gosh, they are peculiar creatures aren't they?

I guess you either ignore it bc you don't feel like talking to stupid.
Or ask him a simpler question. And one at a time. E.g. Are you planning to see your son while he is with MiL this weekend? Or  Do want to arrange to see your son in the next 3 months?
Definitely a 'you could not maKe this stuff up' moment. Sigh.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #62 on: May 07, 2019, 09:44:11 AM »
Translation: Ok. Are you leaving the shelf I left you on?  ::) 

This is exactly why I stopped trying to beg and plead with LB to see the kids. His replies just broke my heart every single time.   

Three votes that H is a tool full of bull shizzle. 

Our poor children. The fallout from this breaks my heart.   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Online Milly

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #63 on: May 08, 2019, 12:09:28 AM »
All I'm going to say, Kit, because it's same old, same old, is hurray for the money!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #64 on: May 08, 2019, 03:56:10 AM »
Milly yes—the money will buy me and S 12 annual passes to Disney this year! (Bc if I’m honest, I’d already written H off for ever paying) So it’s something.

Need some advice pleas. I know, what’s new?  Remember that trip with the high school lacrosse team down south that H always takes S12 on? The annual trip they just got back from. Well I had told H that if OW and her son (who plays on the junior varsity high school team) went, that S12 couldn’t go. H agreed. Said he’d never do that. Well I had my suspicions bc this year he seemed to spend even less time with S on this trip for some odd reason. He sent me some pics of S during the trip. Some were with players from the high school team. One looked familiar but I told myself it couldn’t be. Then I recognized the shirt he was wearing. It is a very unusual design....that H just happens to have the same one. So yes, OWs son was there. And my guess is so was she. So, big surprise. He lied. And at the expense of his own son.

My question is, do I say something? The lacrosse banquet is coming up. It’s not Ss team, but H always likes to take him. You know, to show the world what a great dad he is? I was thinking of just telling H that S wouldn’t be going to the banquet this year when he brings it up and leave it at that. Bc I know OW and her S will be there sitting with H. But I don’t want S disappointed. And then I’d have to explain (bc H won’t) that ow is Dads girlfriend. I’m sure S still doesn’t know her identity. He knows ow from Dads work. But hadn’t made the connection. And he knows dad has a girlfriend bc I was forced to tell him that much. But now I think I have to take it a step further and reveal all.

I have to say, seeing that boy wearing the same shirt as my H gut punched me. Silly I know. But that is something I would do—get matching father son shirts for H and S. And now OW is doing that. It has really affected me this time for some reason. Makes it more real I guess. And then mostly my heart breaks even more for S. I’m really not sure if I say anything to him, or just leave it. I am in disbelief-once again-that H could become this person.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #65 on: May 08, 2019, 04:01:51 AM »
What does S want to do?

Remember FJ has Coachy McJudges doodads in jar so he may very well not ask to take S this year because FJ wouldn't like it, just like he can't take him to school...

the truth will come out at some point for S. He is going to hear it or see something somewhere in due time so you can break the news to him on your terms or see when life breaks it to him of someone else's terms...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #66 on: May 08, 2019, 04:09:16 AM »
Thank you Ursa. I actually think OW wants S there—with them. So they can play happy families. And show off to everyone how much of a couple they are. It’s all very high school.

But you are right. Definitely depends on what S wants. I’m sure he wants to go. But if he knew the whole truth, maybe not. The last thing I want is for him to be embarrassed. And he might be. And I don’t want him to feel sorry for me or feel that he can’t talk to me about it. Ug, I don’t know. This really sucks.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Thunder

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #67 on: May 08, 2019, 04:24:07 AM »
Boy Kit, that's a tough one.

At his tender age, who knows what is the best way for him to find out.

I don't suppose you could talk to your H about this??  I mean he knows your S doesn't want to be around his ow or her son, so he is really getting duped by his father.  How horrible of him to do that.
He may feel really upset with his dad when he finds out, but should you be the one to tell him?

I'm not sure what I would do.  I wish I had an answer for you, but something tells me he does need to know before it keeps happening. 
Of course it could be your S will figure it all out on his own and you won't need to say a word.  Kids aren't stupid.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #68 on: May 08, 2019, 04:40:31 AM »
KIT, It might be time to tell your son the truth.  I do not have any wise ideas for how, but know you would convey the truth gracefully. 

I had vowed if I found out there was an ow that I would hide it from my son (who is more than double your son's age) because I did not want him to feel any less about his father.  Then my son found out first and told me.  So, your son may very well know already and not know how to raise the issue. 

Hopefully others will chime in with practical advice on approaches.  But your son's routine has changed so he may wonder.  I hate this.  I am sorry.
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline Whyus

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #69 on: May 08, 2019, 04:46:00 AM »
KIT, it seems like your H is using a similar tactic as that used by my XW!
They are so full of themselves honestly, absolutely no thought to what the Kids are going through. Its enough to make your Skin crawl.
The Problem is, they put us in an awkward Situation where they look like heroes (or at least think that they do)..
take your time, you have to go over all Scenarios very carefully but it may just well be time to tell your son whats going on. Im sorry that you are going through this Phase.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Treasur

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #70 on: May 08, 2019, 05:13:29 AM »
I too think it might be time to tell your son the truth.
Imho waste of time talking to your h about it. He has shown his stance by his actions and by failing to keep his word. Sadly very common.

One of the awful things about deceit that we learn as LBS is that it removes your power bc you don't have the full info that allows you to make your own choices. And bc big truths almost inevitably come out, that never leaves us feeling good. Your son is young but I think you have to show him the respect of telling him at least the basics so he can choose for himself. It may be that he has suspicions or knows a little more than you think or might have overheard other people talking even. I'm sorry bc it isn't a conversation any mother would want to have but see it perhaps as giving your son his own sense of power and the right to make his own choices about things like the banquet.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #71 on: May 08, 2019, 07:39:59 AM »
KIT,

I agree with others that it may be time to tell him the truth. My kids (who were older) were introduced to their dad's gf before I was officially told. I found out about her and wrote to h. asking him to go carefully in introducing her to our kids... his answer back was that they knew her and were very happy for him :-[

It is a horrible situation whichever way we look at it. More letting go that we don't want to do :-\

You will find that after a initial "getting to know her" phase, things generally cool down and your son will make his decisions about it all. This last weekend, my SIL (whom I love dearly) invited the kids to her birthday get together at a restaurant, she also invited me but warned me that she had invited her brother (which means ow would be there), so I declined (she was very understanding about it). None of our kids went, they all found other things to do, d24 went with me to see The Endgame! The look on their faces when I said their dad would be there was very telling. However, they will put up with her if it is convenient to them or they very much wish to see their dad. It is just getting less frequent and they spend shorter times with their dad.

M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #72 on: May 08, 2019, 09:53:42 AM »
Thank you all for weighing in. I truly appreciate it.  This has really affected me. I am sure it is the BD Anniversary, Mother's Day, B-Day trifecta. And of course, Mitzpah, I agree--this opens a whole new level of acceptance I may have not been ready to deal with.

So where does that leave me? Sad. Again. I hate this forlorn feeling. Wish I could get over it all. This lacrosse Spring Break trip was the brainchild of H and me, and 2 of our besties at the time, conceiving of a vacation that could incorporate a bunch of things. The male side of the "bestie" equation got testicular cancer the same time I was diagnosed.  H has turned his back not only on me, but the besties too.  So to see him enjoying this vacation that we all thought of, not with us, but with OW and her family literally breaks my heart all over again. I won't lie. It is hitting me hard today.

But. I will move on.  I know I will need to have this talk with S. I want him to be fully informed and will support any decision he makes. If he chooses to spend time with them, that is fine(ish) with me. I will never force him to do anything. He does already know OW and her son b/c, like I said, this is "Dads work friend" that he has met on several occasions. And he knows the high school lacrosse players.  My worst fear, I'll admit, is that S will feel sorry for me.  I would rather he be sad for himself than feel that for me. I never want to be a burden. I am choking up as I write this. And maybe it is good b/c it allows me to see the big picture once again. S12 is the prize. He is the priority. What I may want or need right now must come second.  And honestly, that way of thinking is helping my current mindset.

No more feeling sorry for myself. H is gone. But I still have the prize. 

Thank you all--really I read and re-read all of your replies. I am, once again, deeply humbled that you take the time to thoughtfully respond.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #73 on: May 08, 2019, 10:21:18 AM »
Kit,
Your son might already know but not want to hurt your feelings by telling you.
When my dad left us on Christmas eve, my mother sat my brother and myself down and told us about OW - nothing negative, just that she existed and who she was and honestly I remember that to be the closest I ever felt to my mom. That she thought enough of us to tell us the truth, so I also agree with everyone that it's time to tell your S.
Once you told him I would leave it up to him if he wants to attend the banquet or not.

There's nothing we haven't already sad about your MLC, but how frigging dumb is he to send you pictures in which you can clearly see who was there and who wasn't after lying to you. What a moron and how terribly hurtful it must be that he cannot at least do the right thing for his son. Makes me want to take a ballbat and hit him right between the eyes and then again right between his legs. Damn lying fool.

Season pass to Disney - dang - can I come as your second child pretty please :)
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #74 on: May 08, 2019, 10:42:55 AM »
Kit, I’m sorry this is happening to you.  It takes this thing to a while new level once children know the story.  My children are older but I did end up telling them as my D was at home and living it too.  One of my sons had to witness one of my biggest breakdowns and it was horrible.  I decided to tell them all because I knew they were all talking to each other and very concerned.  It was hard, I can’t imagine telling a 12 year old.  Once I told them it felt like it became real, it was a very difficult time.

After I told them I did say I wouldn’t talk about him to any of them and I haven’t.  Their relationship with their father is between them and their father.  They have shown him more strength and forgiveness than I have and I’m proud of that.

Hang in there.  I too am trying to get through another phase of this journey and honestly it all sucks right now.  You are a good mama, don’t forget that.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #75 on: May 08, 2019, 11:06:44 AM »
All difficult issues, and I don't think there is right or wrong answers.  You will figure out what is best, and then don't look back.  Decisions are made with the information we have today.  It is so easy to get sucked in to the pattern of looking back and saying "if only I had handled it a different way."  Your BD anniversary and Mother's Day, which is typically a family holiday is painful.  Maybe wait until after the weekend before you plan your next move.  I think the thing that has hurt me the most is the lies.  It sounds as if your H tells you what he wants you to know, and then, as with my H, looks you in the face and tells a bold face lie.  For me, it is the part I still can't understand.  You are doing a great job.  Keep going.....
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #76 on: May 08, 2019, 11:18:39 AM »
Kit I understand you wanting to be honest with S12. I've never told my boys. They are older.  But I still thought that if they knew their mom was sleeping around with their coach it would destroy them. Now my W never left except for overnight  trips. So it was different. If she was gone , I would tell them. My fear is they will find out one day, and then they will be upset with me for not telling them.
I know you will do what's right for S12. You know him best. As a son, if my dad had did this, I wouldn't have felt sorry for her. I would have thought she was a superhero. I did anyway. 
It's hard either way you slice it.
Hang in there Kit.

Online Milly

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #77 on: May 08, 2019, 03:32:57 PM »
Kit, I told my kids right away. I was not going to protect H's image or enable him to live with his lover and pretend he met her after the 'divorce' as my H likes to call our not yet separated situation.

My thoughts were that lying is one of the main ingredients of this crisis. I was not going to be a part of one. I was not going to put any thoughts in my children's head that lying might be the right solution in some cases. I want total honesty. My kids know that lying is a major problem for me now. We share all our passwords, we answer questions honestly to each other, even if they might hurt. This was one of my boundaries after BD.

Lies have a tendency to come out in the open all by themselves. If your H is going to stay with his OW for a while, your S will probably find out. I do believe that our kids are more loyal and honest than adults, because they still believe everything we say. We have told them not to lie. When they catch us doing this, it shatters a part of their innocence. I personally believe it's better to tell them the truth than for them to find out later.

As others have said, it's possible your S already knows or might even have met her. My H introduced my S (10 at the time) to his OW behind my back and told my S not to tell Mummy. S thought he was protecting me by not telling me, but it was eating him up inside. He knew it was wrong, and he knew it would hurt me if I found out.

My S knows how I feel about my H's OW because she was the alienator. I've told S that if H has another girlfriend in the future, I will still not like it, but I will accept it. I will never accept this woman because of her  entering our lives before his father left. I will not ever give my S the idea that he can cheat on his own wife one day and that everyone will be cool with it.

I forbade my H from having time with my S while OW was present. It's not legally enforceable as you probably know. However, my S agrees and has learned to stand up to his dad about this.

Sometimes, I think maybe I should have let my S go around H and OW and have my S say all by himself that he would not see her again. Even if only because it would make my H not need to protect OW.

Personally, I couldn't do it because I'd seen the emails from OW to my H before BD and after. She knew she was breaking up a family, encouraged it, pushed for it, knew H had doubts but she couldn't care less. So she doesn't get to have that family she broke. That's the way I see it.

You want a family, you make it. You work at it for years, you have sleepless nights, sacrifice your money, miss the first day of school because you had a work commitment you couldn't cancel, sit up until midnight helping them prepare for their first test, drive them to get their vaccination and hold their hand, comfort them the first time they realize they will die one day but they are terrified because they hadn't realized. You don't just jump the line, steal the H, and get yourself someone's ready made kids to play families with. At least, not Milly's ones.

I don't know if you read Mamma Bear's thread. She originally was adamant that her little girls would never be around OW. Eventually, she had to give in for the girls' sake. They wanted their dad. It turned out to be good for Mamma Bear. They told her about the messed up situation between her H and OW. The girls, although little, were MLC savvy and were protective of their mother. Her H came home eventually.

But what you do, Kit, needs to be what you feel is right. If you choose to tell your S, then you could also allow him to decide what he wishes to do.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Music45

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #78 on: May 08, 2019, 10:38:58 PM »
So sorry you're going through this KiT. It's horrible. Shows how messed up he is that he thinks any of this is ok. You're well rid of him right now. He's not the man for you now.
You'll get through this. Everything will be alright in the end. If it's not alright, it's not the end.
Hang in there.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #79 on: May 08, 2019, 10:54:31 PM »
Sorry KIT, this is really horrible.
I have just gone through some Kind of Kids/OM Phase, its hard but it is what it is im afraid  :(
There is a big difference between tolerance and acceptance, atleast I learnt this much from my "experience"..
Head up KIT!
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline sachat3

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #80 on: May 10, 2019, 01:38:51 AM »
I can only imagine how hard this is for you KIT. Lucky for me, my oldest is 7. Clington has been gone for 18 months and as of yet I don’t think he even wants Ow to meet the kids. I think he enjoys the separate lives. And so that works for me. I don’t know how I would handle this situation!

I would take your time with this. When you feel ready. Tell him then. Tell him honestly what the situation is. It’s going to be hard but once it’s done you will feel relieve as everything is in the open now.
Me - 27
H - 34
3 children together D2 D5 D7
Together - almost 8 years

BD & MLCer moved out - November 2017
OW discovered - December 2017

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #81 on: May 10, 2019, 01:41:50 AM »
I bet you are going to be truly proud of the way your son takes the news.  So sad they have to grow up at such a young age.

Something tells me your son already knows the truth but maybe too young to process the information.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Nas

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #82 on: May 10, 2019, 07:22:13 AM »
I don't envy you, KIT.  As hard as every MLC situation is, I often think about not having kids and how difficult it has to be.  I had to deal with my hurt.  You guys have to deal with your hurt and theirs.

You and your son seem to have a really wonderful bond, so I think he will appreciate you talking to him and we all know you are capable of doing it in a way that doesn't disparage his father but lets your son know that it's not appropriate behavior to have a wife and a "girlfriend," that his dad is not making good choices, and that you love him and nothing is his fault.

I can't imagine having that conversation.  Is there a counselor or someone you can consult before you talk to him? 
Married 8 years at BD, together 16.
BD March 2015
H moved out July 2015
I found out about OW March 2016 (She went to high school with H, long distance EA since September 2014, became PA November 2015)
H moved 1100 miles to live with OW June 2016
I was diagnosed with advanced breast cancer June 2017
H became a vanisher

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #83 on: May 10, 2019, 05:12:54 PM »
KIT, From how you present, I cannot imagine that your son would feel sorry or pity you.  I know it is my fear, too.  He may be sad, but he sees every day how strong you are.  And if there is a teaching point anywhere in this madness, you are modeling the way for him to act when confronted with adversity.  I know you will speak from the heart.  You have the prize and so does your son!
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #84 on: May 12, 2019, 12:44:01 PM »
Well my 2 cents are my kids have known pretty much from the start.

I wasn't going to lie to them, and they over heard some of Beast's mental ravings just after BD. But I also don't really talk about it that much. They ask a question and I answer them as truthfully as I can for their age. Most of the conversations revolve around ''daddy's brain is just sick''...but my daughter (9) is extremely fixated on OW. Not in a good way. I think she finds it easier to blame OW for 'stealing her dad' than to accept her dad just left. I do still tell her that ''if it wasn't her, it would just be someone else because it was daddy's choice. No one made him'' type of things. But most of the time we don't speak about it, but daughter does come out with things...so I know she thinks about it.

I agree with so much of what milly said particularly

I was not going to protect H's image or enable him to live with his lover and pretend he met her after the 'divorce' as my H likes to call our not yet separated situation.

I was not going to put any thoughts in my children's head that lying might be the right solution in some cases. I want total honesty.

Lies have a tendency to come out in the open all by themselves.

I do believe that our kids are more loyal and honest than adults.

My S knows how I feel about my H's OW because she was the alienator. I've told S that if H has another girlfriend in the future, I will still not like it, but I will accept it. I will never accept this woman because of her  entering our lives before his father left. I will not ever give my S the idea that he can cheat on his own wife one day and that everyone will be cool with it.

She knew she was breaking up a family, encouraged it, pushed for it, knew H had doubts but she couldn't care less. So she doesn't get to have that family she broke.

You want a family, you make it. You work at it for years.. You don't just jump the line, steal the H, and get yourself someone's ready made kids to play families with.

 The girls, although little, were MLC savvy and were protective of their mother.

Everything you said here was brilliant. I am not familiar with Mamma Bear's thread but I can assure you that if my kids are ever forced into a meet and greet with OW my daughter is probably going to unleash on her like a feral tiger.  :o

I do want to put out here the extremely logical argument that...couldn't the shirt be a popular one? Like from a game, or band, or something? I just wouldn't want you to jump the gun over a shirt that a lot of people might have.  :-\

That is the kind of thing we all pick up on as a LBS. Little clues to piece together. But I would make super duper sure that it isn't just a popular t shirt before monkey braining yourself to death...you know?  :)

You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Tyks

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #85 on: May 12, 2019, 01:38:24 PM »
Hmm, while I agree with the way of handling it with your kids, I'm not so sure I agree with the other part. My kids were introduced to ow before I knew about it and although they know that she was the sl@t that came between us, they still deal with her. My oldest d lives with them and my youngest d goes often. I never really blew up about it before but the last little while I have said my piece to both of them. They tell me that they do not play happy family but I can't believe that as the two cheaters live together.  It is a huge trigger for me to go anywhere near that place so I have told my oldest d that I don't mind driving but I will not go to the house. I drop her off down the street. Since I have told them how I feel they both seem to be closer to me. I don't know really what I would do in that situation.

Kit, maybe that's why your h won't spend a good amount of quality time with s? He knows how you feel and he doesn't wanna hurt you further so he just ignored the whole situation? Although we adults know that h could take a out for ice cream alone and such but maybe these teen mlcers don't realize that lol.

It is up to the cheaters to tell their kids the truth. Unfortunately they don't have the balls to do it . 
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #86 on: May 13, 2019, 08:00:36 PM »
Hi Kit:  thinking about you.  How did you do over the anniversary weekend?  I know you are glad it is over.  Hope you are well this week.  Sending a big hug!
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #87 on: May 14, 2019, 10:24:37 AM »
Thank you all. You've given me much to ponder. It is not an easy decision and I have to really think about why I feel the need to tell S everything. Or, chances are good that he already knows. I think for now, I just need to keep the door open for S to talk if he needs to.  Lacrosse is over and there is a really god possibility H will disappear for the summer. Sad. But it is looking that way right now.

There was literally no acknowledgement of Mother's Day this year. We went from a "Happy Mother's Day to my Wife" last year, to radio silence this year. My guess is H is all in with OW and her family now. And he is purposely running from me again. I did foolishly send an e-mail late on Mother's Day eve asking why he would send me a photo of S12 and OWs son? Was it to make me feel bad? His response was outright denial. No idea WHAT I was talking about. I am apparently the crazy person. Either gaslighting, or OW sent it. Either way, doesn't matter, he didn't even deny the photo existed or apologize for sending it. And he had promised that OW and her son were not going on this trip at all. It sucks, but in his current state, I really need to keep my distance. He is crazed. Cannot even talk to me like a human being. That says something. A lot actually. Why is he so afraid of interacting  with me? MLC crazy for sure.

So, tomorrow is my BDay. I am sure I will hear nothing and get nothing from him.  Mother's Day stung, I won't lie. But I spent it with my MIL and FIL and of course my S12.  They are all also taking me to dinner tomorrow night. A huge blessing indeed. And then I will see my Dad and my sister this weekend for more celebrations.  Times like these I really find I have to concentrate on what I HAVE and not what I have lost. I am finally getting to the place where I do not blame myself for all that has happened. (I did for a long time b/c I truly bought his lies and history re-write)  But now I know better. I've learned a lot. I've grown. I still miss him. But I'm pretty sure HE misses himself even more.

I was in Dallas this past weekend with one of my besties, her daughter, and my bestie's mother. While there, she left a card in my bag that I found when I got home. It said, "Here's to a happy birthday and infinite possibilities."  I'm getting there, and slowly starting to see that "glass half full" thing people speak of. ;)   
« Last Edit: May 14, 2019, 10:25:53 AM by KeepItTogether »
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #88 on: May 14, 2019, 10:30:58 AM »
I'm sorry KIT that he ignored mother's day. Mine always has because 'I'm not his mother'. But like you I have been focusing more on what I do have rather than the one thing I don't have.
We are very lucky indeed to not only have our children but the ability to live authentically and be true to ourselves unlike these clown MLCers.
I hope you have a fabulous birthday tomorrow and fill that glass all the way to the rim.
We can get through this KIT
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Tyks

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #89 on: May 14, 2019, 11:19:58 AM »
I haven't ever gotten a happy mother's day after bd, but then again I haven't wished him a happy anything either.

I am sorry your mlcer is not acknowledging you, kit, but I do think it is for the best BC maybe it will help you to detach a bit more.

happy bday in advance !
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #90 on: May 14, 2019, 12:30:09 PM »
For Mother’s Day my H bought me a bottle of wine (his favorite kind not mine) as an after though at 6 pm, and then proceeded to drink the entire thing without once offering me a glass.....

I think I would rather not have him even acknowledge it then to watch a drunk narcissist on display.

Ugh, hang in there KIT.  Use this time to continue to focus on you and your son.  You are doing a great job. 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #91 on: May 14, 2019, 08:16:14 PM »
KIT,  Happy Birthday and Happy Birthday week.  May you be surrounded by love and celebrations and "infinite possibilities!"

I had hoped for a happy mother's day message, too, only because this year, H surfaced and told me his plans to spend the day with his mother only the day before.  If I had not seen him, I probably would not have even wondered.  Detachment is hard. 

Again, happy birthday and celebrate you!
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline Whyus

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #92 on: May 14, 2019, 10:21:05 PM »
Happy birthday KIT.
I hope that you have a nice day but do not expect anything from your H. That way you can not be disappointed (like mothers day).
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Treasur

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #93 on: May 15, 2019, 12:01:59 AM »
Happy birthday, Kit...I hope you make a moment to celebrate how much better the world is to have some marvellous Kitness in it xxx
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #94 on: May 15, 2019, 12:54:39 AM »
For Mother’s Day my H bought me a bottle of wine (his favorite kind not mine) as an after though at 6 pm, and then proceeded to drink the entire thing without once offering me a glass.....


You sure he bought it for you in the first place?

KiT,

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #95 on: May 15, 2019, 01:04:10 AM »
What is that guy doing with that gay shark UM??? Shocking stuff mate  ;)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #96 on: May 15, 2019, 01:10:21 AM »
What is that guy doing with that gay shark UM??? Shocking stuff mate  ;)

Dude! It's a Dolphin.... See the curvy fin? Sharks have triangular fins... He's riding it while blowing KiT a Birthday Kiss...  ::)  Where did YOUR mind go?
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #97 on: May 15, 2019, 01:33:02 AM »
Dolphins are gay sharks though arent they?  ;)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #98 on: May 15, 2019, 02:43:14 AM »
I knew it was a dolphin...but thought the same thing!  :-[

Definitely some dodgey antics happening there.

As for the buying the wine and drinking it himself, I am not gonna lie...it is totally crappy but did make me giggle. It is amazing how idiotic they can be right now.  ::)

If you took all the sadness of emotion out of it, it is literally something you would see in a comedy sitcom right?

Ex husband comes in to visit wife on Mother's day....offers her a bottle of wine, proceeds to sit at the kitchen counter talking nonsense...opens bottle while she is busy cleaning up dinner, he proceeds to drink it as he tells some moronic story....she looks at him with a  ??? face and says ''I thought that was my wine?'' the audience laughs....he stares into the empty bottle and makes a one liner comment about needing it after a hard days work... The audience laugh again because he is ''a loveable idiot''.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #99 on: May 15, 2019, 02:51:01 AM »
If you took all the sadness of emotion out of it, it is literally something you would see in a comedy sitcom right?

Ex husband comes in to visit wife on Mother's day....offers her a bottle of wine, proceeds to sit at the kitchen counter talking nonsense...opens bottle while she is busy cleaning up dinner, he proceeds to drink it as he tells some moronic story....she looks at him with a  ??? face and says ''I thought that was my wine?'' the audience laughs....he stares into the empty bottle and makes a one liner comment about needing it after a hard days work... The audience laugh again because he is ''a loveable idiot''.

Wife then whacks him in the head with a frying pan... Audience pees their pants laughing because they KNEW it was coming...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #100 on: May 15, 2019, 10:51:46 AM »
OMG Roo--the wine!!! That is horrific! And yes, that is something H would do, and probably does....except with OW now. So yay me!

And gay dolphins? Dying! Thank you all for making me chuckle.

This am I decided that on my BDay I was going to count my blessings. And I did. And I even said a little prayer for H b/c I know he is in a bad place and I am fortunate to not be there.  I must have had 30 texts this am from friends and family. And then to see your sweet Bday messages too.  And of course got a huge hug from the best Bday gift ever, S12. My heart is full.

Got into work this am to Champs (they know me well) and mini cupcakes. What a way to start the work day!   I just received this text from H's sister. "Happy BDay KIT. We are so blessed to have you in our lives. You are a wonderful mother, friend and best SIL. I am so sorry for what you have been through over the past years, but we love you dearly and will always be here by your side. xoxo"

So yes. Counting my blessings. Focusing on what I HAVE not what I have LOST.  Oh well, I did get a "Happy birthday" message from H this am with some fancy graphic thing. I was nice and said thanks.  Most of me wanted to ignore. But I didn't ignore anyone else and didn't want to make H special in that regard. Not today.

Thank you my friends. I truly appreciate all of you.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Acorn

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #101 on: May 15, 2019, 11:09:24 AM »
Happy Birthday, KIT! 
Better late than never. 

Yes, I wholeheartedly agree, the gratitude list is the one to focus on. 
BB said, ‘what you focus on gets bigger.’   Can you imagine the size of the ‘lost’ list if you were to perpetually focus on anger, bitterness and victimhood?  I do not envy anyone who does that...

I’m so glad for you that you are at this envious stage of healing and growing. 
I wish you another year of further healing and growing. 

You were being the bigger person by acknowledging H’s message.
Good for you!

A thousand hugs for the birthday girl!
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Milly

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #102 on: May 15, 2019, 11:11:29 AM »
Oh, Kit, so happy to hear your Birthday day is full of good wishes, and cup cakes, and CHAMPS, and messages from an in-law, and even a message from Mcteen! Don't you just love it when you have no expectations and are foreseeing a big bum day, and then all the people in your life want to make sure you know they care. Loved to read about your day so far!

I hope your dinner is fantastic and that you feel totally pampered! So happy to know you and have your Kitness in my world!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #103 on: May 15, 2019, 11:51:32 AM »
Hooray!  It is your birthday and I think that the fact that you have your son today AND you got such a beautiful message from SIL - those are true gifts to cherish.  Nothing else is really important, except maybe the cupcakes :)
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Offline Music45

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #104 on: May 15, 2019, 03:14:22 PM »
Happy birthday KiT. Glad you've found your blessings to count and hope you have many more to come. You're clearly loved by some wonderful people.
Hang in there.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #105 on: May 15, 2019, 03:22:44 PM »
Did you buy yourself some new shoes as a birthday gift? 

Hope your day was fabulous. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Anon

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #106 on: May 15, 2019, 06:31:19 PM »
HAPPY BIRTHDAY, KIT!   Sounds like its been awesome so far!  The love coming your way is wonderful and you deserve all of it!   Enjoy your day  :)

Anon

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #107 on: May 15, 2019, 06:34:47 PM »
Happy Birthday KIT! 

I'm so glad you are finding joy all around you.  You sound like you have a tribe that is on your side, that is awesome! 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline heroIam

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #108 on: May 15, 2019, 06:39:20 PM »
Happy birthday again  ;)
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Upintheair

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #109 on: May 16, 2019, 12:03:03 AM »
Happy Birthday, Kit!
What a nice message you received from your sil.
"Attachment is the great fabricator of illusions; reality can be attained only by someone who is detached."
Simone Weil
Bd: 03-2015

Offline Savoir Faire

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #110 on: May 16, 2019, 01:03:23 AM »
Hope your birthday was wonderful, lovely message from your SIL, at least she has a heart ;)

Roo, the wine thing made me laugh, MLCrs need wine more than we do to numb the pain of being an idiot.

Whyus, how on earth do you know that dolphin is gay??  Have you ever met a gay dolphin? I love you guys :-*
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #111 on: May 16, 2019, 01:11:21 AM »
Roo, the wine thing made me laugh, MLCrs need wine more than we do to numb the pain of being an idiot.

Savvy, that is what the skillet upside the head is for...

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #112 on: May 16, 2019, 02:45:18 AM »
Omg I used to love Xena as a kid! Goals!
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #113 on: May 16, 2019, 05:23:50 AM »
KIT - you must feel all the love here - where else do you get Xena, gay dolphins and wine offered all in one big swoop  ;D ;D ;D

I do hope you had the most marvelous birthday
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Whyus

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #114 on: May 16, 2019, 06:48:44 AM »
Whyus, how on earth do you know that dolphin is gay??  Have you ever met a gay dolphin? I love you guys :-*
There are no dolphins, just sharks and gay sharks. Honestly  ;D
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #115 on: May 16, 2019, 07:20:38 AM »
Whyus, how on earth do you know that dolphin is gay??  Have you ever met a gay dolphin? I love you guys :-*
There are no dolphins, just sharks and gay sharks. Honestly  ;D

Says the NON-diver.....

One will laugh at you...


while the other is sort of like your Mid-Lifer....
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #116 on: May 16, 2019, 07:23:23 AM »
 ;D that shark is funny, like a MLCer, keeps coming back for more
Sorry KIT
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Dumbfounded

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #117 on: May 16, 2019, 10:04:25 AM »
Happy belated birthday KIT!!

I am glad to see you had a day full of wishes and treats just for you!! I hope you have a year full of beautiful blessings ahead of you!!   
Married 1998
MLC H 48
LBS W 47
D16, S12
BD March, 2016
Left home Sept 4, 2016 - living with parents
H filed for D - July 24, 2017
D final March 14, 2018 - still living at parent's house

“You've seen my descent, now watch my rising.”
― Jalaluddin Rumi

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #118 on: May 16, 2019, 01:23:05 PM »
Happy Birthday Kit. Sorry I'm late as usual. 
Now go get some if the perfume Morte uses and go out get something to eat tonight.

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #119 on: May 16, 2019, 02:45:46 PM »
Thanks everyone for the BDay wishes. It was a really nice day, and full of reminders that I do have much to be thankful for. Sure, there were a few wistful moments as a memory from a BDay past with H snuck in. But I did try to move on in my thoughts to something more positive.

That all said, I did overhear S12 asking H if he was going to take him to school the next day (this was last week and I forgot to mention). And H quickly dismissed him and said he couldn't, had to be at work. Make it up over the summer. All in a rushed manner as he was running away out the door most likely to avoid me. Practically barked at S12 to "Give me a hug before I go."  Broke me heart. Again.

So, S12 has his annual lacrosse party in June. I have a conflict--bridal shower and was going to cancel the shower. But decided not to. The parents do go, but it is really for the kids and they play at the lake all day. I  think I am going to send S12 with his bff and his family and not go. I don't really want to see H anyway. And I talked it over with S to see what he wanted. And he is fine with me not going. And I won't tell H either. If he asks, I will. But he wouldn't offer to take S12 anyway, even though it it his team. He has literally not once offered to take S12 to a game this season...that he coaches...oh and that he takes other players to. Just not S12. Jerk. And I usually get the coaches their coach gift. But I think I won't do that either. If another parent wants to they can. But I'm out. I'm not meaning to sound bitter if I do. I just realize that I do need to detach further and all of these little things that keep us tied are not necessary. If it is something for S12's best interests, then I will do it. But otherwise, I think I need to make a fresh start with no H.

Anyway, you all were yt another reminder that I have many blessings. Thank you!!!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline handpuppets

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #120 on: May 16, 2019, 09:19:20 PM »
Belated birthday wishes, KIT. Sounds like you are making limoncello out of those lemons. Here is a toast to you! Wishing you lots of laughter and joy this coming year.
“Lighthouses don’t go running all over an island looking for boats to save; they just stand there shining.” -Anne Lamott

Offline KeepItTogetherTopic starter

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #121 on: May 21, 2019, 04:02:34 PM »
Went to see my IC today. I told her I felt stuck. That I felt I thought of my H way too much. She prodded me as to what action items might make me feel better. We talked about D filing. She asked what that would look like for me. And I honestly didn't know. I cannot imagine it looking any worse than now. But she did point out that though H "seemed" worse, that it was still "movement." So validation of what we talk about here. I know, eyes off the MLCer. I am so bad at this I swear.  Anyway, my action plan is really to start using areas of the house I have designated to him--ie: his closet. I will pack up his stuff and use it to store my winter coats, boots and cocktail dresses. Don't I sound fancy LOL.  It's a start anyway.

Speaking of H--MIL asked him to watch S12 last thurs until I got home b/c she had plans. He agreed. But didn't tell me. Noone did and when I got to her house and no one was there, I called H. And texted. But well, I was blocked. So I called MIL and she confirmed where they were. When H brought S12 home, I calmly walked him out to the front door and told him that I was scared to death, didn't know where they were and that if he ever has S with him he cannot block me. Well, you would have thought I threatened to take a cheese grater to his man bits. He looked terrified and repeatedly said, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry."  Then went to open the door for me and couldn't get the key in he was shaking so bad. I just can't with him some days.

So after that radio silence. Nothing. And then today he texts me (he can b/c I am an adult and don't block people) asking what size T shirt I wear. I responded "Pretty sure you didn't meant to send this to me." But he did. Assuming it is something for the lacrosse party that I am not going to. Maybe I'll send him a text and let him know....LOL.  I did respond about the T shirt tho. Some days I am just in awe that he could so completely, and seemingly easily, disappear from me and S12's lives and just pick up a whole new one.

One last fun thing. I worked from home today b/c S12 has a dr appt this afternoon. So when I picked him up he had the biggest smile on his face. Told me it was one of the best days ever at school. I assumed it was b/c we are down to 2 more days and then summer vacation. But no. He has a girlfriend. He swore me to secrecy but I could tell he was super excited to tell me. Although this new milestone is yet another reminder that my baby is growing up, I am beyond humbled and grateful that this little blessing chose to share something so personal with me, his old mom. I can't be sad about much right now. I really am a lucky mom.

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Shelly7435

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #122 on: May 21, 2019, 04:25:27 PM »
I feel stuck too. I give my H too much headspace as well. I think we just have to go through it. Just wanted you to know I understand. How is it we can still love someone so much even after all they have destroyed.

Shhh. I won’t tell anyone about S’s girlfriend.    ;) ;) ;)
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline Music45

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #123 on: May 22, 2019, 12:16:28 AM »
But she did point out that though H "seemed" worse, that it was still "movement."
Good one to remember -  hadn't thought of it like that and agree with Shelly, we just have to go through it. Enjoy using his closet! Why not?

So great that S confides in you. Speaks volumes about your relationship with him. How lovely.

Hang in there, KiT
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline Maleficent

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #124 on: May 22, 2019, 03:14:06 AM »
KIT, your son sounds like the most adorable 12 year old boy!!  You are both an amazing team.

Glad you made H shake a bit.  Fathers need to be responsible. 

I have started taking over H's space, too.  First I took over 1/4 of his closet after more than a year.  This weekend, I am now up to more than one half.  Some of his clothes are still in there and many possessions.  He left so quickly.  Leaving us to clearing their old abandoned life is difficult.  But, it really is nice to have some extra storage space  ;)

And, it is so hard to take our eyes off the MLCer.  My therapist wants me to empower myself and file, but I do not want to.  To me, it would feel worse.  Not sure how and when we cross over to the point where it would feel better than the present. 
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline Tyks

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #125 on: May 22, 2019, 03:43:42 AM »
File for D only if you want to, kit. I filed out of spite and it didn't get a reaction from xh nor did it make me feel any better. Now I wish that I hadn't made any decisions. Not because I want him back but BC them being divorced just makes it easier for them and ow.

Small baby steps like your closet may make you feel better. I don't know about that. My xh left with only his clothes and PlayStation so I took over the closet and drawers right away. Still didn't make me feel better lol.

I am not sure that we ever "feel" better. Our husbands took up with another woman and made a new life without giving us any type of chance to work it out. We were devastated. It has been years for a lot of us. I know I haven't got closure. How do you ever come back from that and feel better? It is exactly like a death. You just learn to accept it and move on imho
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline heroIam

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #126 on: May 22, 2019, 07:42:01 AM »
I agree with Tyks.

But will support you in whatever you decide.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #127 on: May 22, 2019, 08:20:56 AM »
Oh kit you are in for it now..

Mine has had a boy chasing her since Primary 1.

Last year she got a card through the door (P3).

This year she got a card and a box of chocolates (P4).

Things are starting to get serious when the chocolate comes out so I gotta keep my eyes on him.  :o
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline gman242

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #128 on: May 22, 2019, 11:31:38 AM »
Right after BD, I found myself frozen every time divorce came up. Everyone talked to me about it and wanted to know when I was going to file and what was keeping me from doing it. It's been a roller coaster...

I know everyone's situation is different and so are the timelines and as a couple people mentioned, you have to be the one to give yourself closure. It may be because I've had a lifetime of being treated like crap (we're not getting into how my childhood setup my adulthood for issues lol), but as I'm entering my fourth year, I've decided I agree with W, we can get remarried again. I'm fine with divorce because two people have to want the marriage or relationship and I'm tired of mixed signals and cold clammy hands, coming out of the murky depths to keep pulling on my anchor rope.

Long story short, I got tired of being the one trying, in all my relationships. You gotta be tough and set your own boundaries and look at it from afar and maybe that's what they say when they mean the LBS has the final say.

But we all get there in our own time and through our own journey. A year ago, my very good friend said the same thing to me, she'd support me no matter what. She had her own opinions, but the support was there none the less. That's what a friend should do :)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #129 on: May 22, 2019, 06:15:12 PM »

One last fun thing. I worked from home today b/c S12 has a dr appt this afternoon. So when I picked him up he had the biggest smile on his face. Told me it was one of the best days ever at school. I assumed it was b/c we are down to 2 more days and then summer vacation. But no. He has a girlfriend. He swore me to secrecy but I could tell he was super excited to tell me. Although this new milestone is yet another reminder that my baby is growing up, I am beyond humbled and grateful that this little blessing chose to share something so personal with me, his old mom. I can't be sad about much right now. I really am a lucky mom.


Awww.....that is so cool that he wanted to share that with you.  Years from now, the two of you will laugh while recalling this moment, KIT.  Eat it up, buddy. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #130 on: May 23, 2019, 12:20:23 AM »
But she did point out that though H "seemed" worse, that it was still "movement."

But then again, so is going to the loo....  ::) in a manner of speaking.... (Yeah, I know, gross bathroom humor but, well, it fits)

And KiT, that is yet another definition of F. O. G.  and, as opposed to the soup inside of whatever the Mid-Lifer is using for a brain, this version is what you gave H - We called it a FOG Briefing in the military... Fear Of God!  If you got a FOG briefing, it normally meant that you had just been ROYALLY reamed by a superior and the results were often the same... shaking and scared to death Good for you... That is one area (kids) for which there is NO quarter given, no mercy...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Milly

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Re: Happy 3rd (BD) Anniversary to Me!
« Reply #131 on: May 23, 2019, 12:42:13 AM »
Kit, great, great boundary! He was clearly not expecting it, nor did it bring out monster. Like when we teach our kids to stand up to bullies, because the bully will put his tail between his legs and walk away. Great lesson for us all, actually!

Second, S12 and girlfriend! How cute, romantic, exciting, a little sad for us, but oh well. So sweet that he couldn't wait to share it with you. That says so much about the kind of mother you have been through this storm.

Regarding D and closet, I'm with Tyks. My IC wanted me to file to take charge of my life, I was all set to do so as soon as separation was finished, but now I'm glad the time has passed and I didn't. This isn't a normal separation, I'm not moving on yet, I'm still standing, so unless necessary for the financials, I really believe it only pushes our MLCer further away, validates his feeling of rejection, and makes it easier for the rotten OW to haggle a wedding when the MLCer owes her one.

The closets, etc, I did do by the end of the first year just because it made me feel a little bit in control, and having all his stuff around just had me thinking of my H too much. I also enjoyed marking my territory in his old space. I did things the way I wanted, pushing myself to switch things around, changed the furniture, slept on the opposite side of the bed, you know - a 180 here and there that I could actually see.

I made my H take his stuff away, but given a choice, maybe I would have just boxed it up and stored it somewhere. But that's just me.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

 

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