Author Topic: My Story Hunting Normal Service  (Read 2278 times)

Online TreasurTopic starter

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My Story Hunting Normal Service
« on: May 01, 2019, 10:09:37 AM »
My mother is in hospital still. I don't know if she will pull through. I'm not always sure I want her to, much as I love her. Hanging around hospitals is a lot of inactive thinking time though which I don't much like. But I have learned to be still and to accept what is out of my hands so that helps. Just got back and am off to the allotment for a peaceful evening hour.

I seem to have reached that point - and in many ways it is a blessing - where I can look with a more dispassionate eye at what an extraordinary and surreal experience this has been. So many layers to it, so few knowns and such a lot of destruction. It feels peculiar and at the same time absolutely obvious that it would take much longer to recover from than one might imagine. I have read a few other posts by people at the 3/4 year mark and see many musing on the same uncertain building blocks as I am. Less about MLC and more about a post WTF life really.

I think my thread really is becoming a recovery thread, an alternative maybe to other stories of reconnection or reconciliation or new romances or fighting in the active MLC trenches. I hope it is useful to others and I will carry on posting while I think it is and while it is still useful to me.

Old thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10760.0;all
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline PJ Ames

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #1 on: May 01, 2019, 10:17:13 AM »
Attaching Treasur. So sorry about your mother.

Nothing wrong with a recovery thread. Wishing you many peaceful hours.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Married 1991
S: 24, D: 21 both doing great.

BD #1: June, 2016 - discovered EA with co-worker
BD #2: November 2018 - discovered online relationship with dude she met playing video games; she has never met him in person.
5-day separation (she left), November, 2018
W is trying (a little), but has no remorse. Nowhere near fully-cooked.

Offline Shining Star

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #2 on: May 01, 2019, 10:31:50 AM »
I am sorry about your mom, as I said in an earlier post, I went through a similar experience.  Your words are always useful whether posting on your on site, or commenting on others.  My posts are also generally about recovery or lack there of.  I am an educated, successful, very pulled together woman in RL, and this experience has knocked me over.  Who could have imagined that 5 yrs post BD, and one year post D, I could still be struggling with a level of despair that is shocking.  I want to recover, not just for myself, but to help someone else living with so much pain.  Enjoy your evening.  I hope you have time to rest and relax.
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

Online One day at a time

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #3 on: May 01, 2019, 10:40:05 AM »
Attaching Treasur. Sorry to hear about your mum but I can understand why you might not want her to pull through. Sometimes it's better for them go.. if they are ill, not really enjoying life, it's hard to watch. It doesn't make it any easier when the time comes but at least their suffering ends.. big hugs

Thanks for continuing to post.. we all need to heal and rebuild regardless so I always find your threads very helpful.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.


"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline heroIam

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #4 on: May 01, 2019, 10:40:14 AM »
Hey Treasur,
Sorry to hear about your mom.  I also think your words are very useful, and appreciated.
Looking forward to meeting you in Sept.
Take good care of yourself. 
I continue to follow along.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Thunder

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #5 on: May 01, 2019, 11:15:59 AM »
Sending prayers for your mom, Treasur.
What ever happens to her, I hope it brings her, and you peace.

That's all I wished for my parents towards the end.  It wasn't about me losing them anymore it was not wanting them suffering anymore...so I do understand.

She's in God's hands.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #6 on: May 01, 2019, 11:34:38 AM »
Thanks all....let's call ourselves the Recovery Gang  :)
And for anyone who doesn't know my backstory, I have no homicidal instincts but my mother has advanced vascular dementia and her life is a sad thing to see. Hence my comment.

My new little plastic greenhouse withstood the storm of a few days ago hurrah (memo to self...MUST update my blog for those of you who want to see my little growing plot by the sea, sorry, was a bit allergic to social media for a while). All my seedlings and young plants seem to do be doing spiffingly well. I am sure to be wandering around in a few months by the beach pressing lettuces and courgettes into the hands of strangers lol.

Gosh I must sound dull. I promise like Shining I used to be a very different kind of woman...seem to have metamorphosed into a rather solitary soul with roses and raspberries instead of cats lol.

None of us want to BE victims even if we WERE victims of the actions of those we most loved and trusted. So it is frustrating to realise how long it takes to see your own recovery isn't it? But maybe that is why I find it comforting that I am not alone and that others after a similar timescale are ploughing through similar stuff. I guess what matters most is that we find our own way to really believe that we will, that there is a good life on the other side even if we carry scars and even though it is not at all what we hoped and planned for a few years ago. For a very long time, I did not believe that. I do now even if I am not yet there.

Underneath I feel ashamed that these events almost destroyed me and that I got lost for so long. And the shame is about how I coped - or didn't - and that Shame leads me to Fear and the Fear leads to Doubt and the Doubt keeps me stuck sometimes. The Fear is no longer about the next bit of crazy or even fear of pain or loss, although I know them well. It is also thankfully not Fear about no longer being myself bc EMDR has done a sterling job on that. Perhaps it is the LBS equivalent of the MLCers Final Fears...it is a Fear I think about being able to trust myself again. Not the world or other humans, but me. Doubting my abilities and judgment and sense of reality in this New Normal. Which seems to create its own strange cycle when I long for Normal but I'm not quite sure what it is or how to do it. And I absolutely know that this experience has changed me profoundly even if I don't know if that is good or bad or to be decided. Or how to use the new me. Or how to reconnect to a normal RL world that will never get just how abnormal this experience really has been and will think I am delusional if I try to explain it.

So, as I stumble through trial and error to my new normal, it feels less isolating to know that many of you are doing exactly the same. We will get there together and share both our successes and our failed experiments right?
« Last Edit: May 01, 2019, 01:12:42 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

Grateful for any appearance of the tiny karma bus  
"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #7 on: May 01, 2019, 12:20:22 PM »
Following along treasur  x
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #8 on: May 01, 2019, 12:29:16 PM »
Solitude, roses and raspberries at the sea cottage sounds pretty heavenly to me.
I am sorry about your mom.
I love the fact that you are still posting because for those of us still in the midst it is sooo comforting to know that someone was as low as me and yet is coming out on the other side. It shows true courage and gives me such hope and I do hope to learn from this entire painful episode what my life is really all about..

Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #9 on: May 01, 2019, 01:08:55 PM »
Homicidal tenancies--you do have a way with words my friend. I watched my Mom fight an infection after her cancer had metastasized for a week. It was pretty violent. I was praying by day 2 that God would take her soon and end her pain. I understand completely.

I want to tell you not to feel shame for how you responded to all this. But then I realize your feelings are yours alone and you get to name them. But from outside I see one strong, resilient and determined person unwilling to recreate past mistakes. And how you responded initially, or didn't, is part of the journey that led you to where you are now.

Yes recovery. I like it. I think I am finally coming out of the "I want my H back" phase. You have inspired me through your writings here and many threads to heal first and foremost.

Hugs friend. I am praying for your dear Mom.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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