Author Topic: My Story Hunting Normal Service  (Read 2277 times)

Offline UrsaMajor

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My Story Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #20 on: May 02, 2019, 06:03:59 AM »
Following along Treasur,

I hope that your Mom is as comfortable and pain-free as possible....

As far as the "Recovery Gang" thread, "Recovery" regardless of the form IS really what HS is about... Reconnection/Reconciliation is one possible outcome, a new R is another, a happy single life yet a third possibility but at the heart, it IS really about our recovery more than anything else.
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Milly

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #21 on: May 02, 2019, 09:17:42 AM »
Treasur, I'm so sorry to hear that your mother is in hospital. I'm sorry to think of you in the hospital. I remember the sad feelings the hospital environment brought back to you when you took your uncle in for his procedure.


Please do keep posting. For me, like for so many on here I'm sure, you are extremely helpful because you often put words to how I'm feeling, but I had not even realized it.

We all have to recover, whether our Hs come back or not. Isn't that the point of our journey in this mess? Plus your musings come with seedlings and strawberries and coloured chairs and lettuces handed to strangers. Wouldn't miss it!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #22 on: May 02, 2019, 12:58:15 PM »
Glad to know mum is a bit better, Treasur.

As far as the "Recovery Gang" thread, "Recovery" regardless of the form IS really what HS is about... Reconnection/Reconciliation is one possible outcome, a new R is another, a happy single life yet a third possibility but at the heart, it IS really about our recovery more than anything else.

This.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Evermore

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #23 on: May 02, 2019, 05:06:28 PM »
Following along Treasur. Sorry to hear about your mum.

Agree with everyone else, please keep posting. I know for me your words/thoughts are hugely influential. I desperately need help to learn how to Recover and your words are some of the very best and most helpful. xx
M: 48
H: 51
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Is now pressuring family to meet her.
Moved in with OW 'by stealth' Dec18-Jan19? (just started staying over and not staying at 'home' anymore (caravan at his brothers))

Offline OffRoad

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #24 on: May 02, 2019, 07:37:11 PM »
I am so sorry to hear about your mother, and so very glad you had those nice times with her not so long ago. I hope that whatever happens is best for both of you. You have my heartfelt empathy.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Acorn

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #25 on: May 03, 2019, 05:25:31 AM »
How is your mum today?
And, you?
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Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #26 on: May 03, 2019, 06:40:56 AM »
Thank you for asking, Acorn. My mother seems to be recovering so the antibiotics have done their job although her dementia has been much worse which I gather is normal. And me? I'm ok. Doing what I need to do, trying to use the hanging around/thinking time in a constructive way. Squeezing in pockets of self care where I can. Bit numb on the emotional front but in an appropriate way if that makes sense. I may have run out of both tears and fears...or perhaps just become much more proficient at accepting all the many things beyond my control.

Beach walk thinkys have been replaced by hanging around waiting for a doctor to speak with thinkys. I took my laptop with me this morning to do some clean up work on it deleting old stuff that is slowing it down. Which included photos and documents that had been automatically backed up until Jan 16 from my then h's phone. No hidden horrors but a few things I now look at with a different eye.

For me - and I speak only for me - him leaving, even the affair, was not what almost destroyed me. Even losing his much loved face from my life.  It hurt and it wasn't what I wanted and I grieved...but is the all the insane WTF stuff that caused me to doubt what was really Real that almost broke me and how impenetrable and peculiar it all was. That was the stuff in the end that made me want to let go, even push him/it away, bc it was exhausting and futile and made me doubt myself and my own sanity. And no one can live like that for very long. It is as if the darkness in him was polluting everything it touched.

I still don't know if was MLC per se....I wanted to think so for a while bc I wanted to believe that he would not always be as he was, I wanted to have hope that he/things would get better somehow....but with time the label doesn't matter so much. But looking at some of his old stuff on the laptop, it was very clear that the darkness started to creep up on him, that he fought it for a bit and that whatever broke in him it really wasn't about me at all. But I also saw some signs of him unravelling that I felt sad that I did not know or see at the time and that he chose or felt unable to simply talk to me about. Bc I would have listened and I suspect judged him much less than he feared. I found strange OCD photos of taps and light switches in 2011 for about 3 months when I remember he was unhappy at work and had failed a professional exam. More at a later patch in 2012 when we had just moved house, he was re-sitting the exam and had a new boss who he really didn't like and his industry and company was getting a lot of public flak. And I could see too that in 2013 he was focusing a lot of attention on work, including some glam client jaunts, and being rather more self-centred than he had been before. I was busy...renovating the house and also cleaning my self up to run off and deliver client workshops, so two jobs really. I was never jealous or controlling but I remember feeling that he was being a bit of a selfish a$$ at times and saying so. I saw no signs of any affairs in the photos etc, just an unhappy anxious man who loved me but was also slowly unravelling. And then 2014/15 came along and people got sick and died and life got very hard for both of us. Somewhere along the line my h obviously decided that his life would not be happier until he got rid of me.....and that it was not worth a conversation. Somewhere he decided that work was all he had and that he would build a new life centred on it with a coworker and a new set of work colleagues as his new friends. That this was who he would be, that this would make him feel better or safer.

The stories we tell ourselves are a very important bit of our own recovery I think. For the longest time, I just could not find a sensible story that explained the change in my h and best friend into someone who apparently hated and despised me so much that he did not care if I lived or died, that I deserved to be threatened and frightened and lied to and abused by strangers. And I couldn't live with rewriting my own past so completely either. I just had no idea what my story was and bc I lost sight of my own story, and I had lost my family who were my safe witnesses who knew my story, I lost sight of me. In fact only recently I reached out to another HS poster who understands the peculiarity of the vacuum that comes with a vanisher. That was the really damaging thing. It helped when someone else could see the simple facts that I had forgotten as detachment and NC had also faded some of my recollections.

And now? I have no doubt that my h unravelled into a breakdown. He will have his own story about that. I am sad about the lost opportunities in the things he kept hidden and my inability to see them at the time bc I was too busy being busy and too complacent. Tbh I was not entirely happy either in 2013-15...I felt taken for granted and tired and life was hard. I just didn't blame my h (maybe I should have lol) or stop loving him. But I could also see that he loved me, that while he was unravelling and getting lost he was fighting to push it away, that he did not plan what happened and that I did not imagine the person I shared my life with even if there were some things I did not know. But I can also see that once he broke, there was nothing I can do to put the healthy genie back in the bottle. And how understandable it was that I continued to see him as a broken version of himself for a long time as opposed to the inconceivable unrecognisable person he became. Other people's madness is both impenetrable and contagious I think. And by 2016 he had become a different person who simply wanted to run away and have a different life.

I could not find my story, or see reality, until I was completely unhooked from his story. Bc his story was not mine and I could make no sense of it at all. In fact I was the evil villainess probably in his story lol. Reclaiming ones own story and sense of reality, albeit with some gaps, is an essential building block in recovering from the inexplicable effects of a reality twisted into something unrecognisable by someone else's reality. As I say, I have no idea what his is now, or will be. I suspect, sad as it is in parts, I am probably left with a rather nicer story of my life up to here than my xh may have. It WAS a big good love and partnership. I miss him. And he was also unravelling in ways I could not see and that he chose not to speak about and that eventually blew his and our old life into a million jagged pieces. He may be happy of course with his story now; that is quite possible. But what matters most for me as I move forward is that I can be content that I am beginning to see the reality of mine again. Including the reality of the bits that have been written and the bits left to write.

So my hospital thinky to share is how important it is to fight hard through the WTF layers to find and own your own life story again.  :)
« Last Edit: May 03, 2019, 06:48:45 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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Online Mortesbride

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #27 on: May 03, 2019, 09:47:43 AM »
I am glad your mom is doing a bit better, not so glad you are stuck waiting around in hospitals. That is tiring, I know that.

When you talked about being a villain I got images of a fancy pants queen like.



At least you would look smoking hot in velvet.  8)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online TreasurTopic starter

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #28 on: May 03, 2019, 10:39:46 AM »
Actually I have a dark blue velvet coat....just sayin'  8)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD)
No kids.
BD Oct 15. OW since Apr 16?
H filed Jan 17. Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.

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"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Acorn

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Re: Hunting Normal Service
« Reply #29 on: May 03, 2019, 11:57:18 AM »
Glad to hear your mother is responding to medication and that you are using the hospital time for some serious thinking.

Quote
And now? I have no doubt that my h unravelled into a breakdown. He will have his own story about that. I am sad about the lost opportunities in the things he kept hidden and my inability to see them at the time bc I was too busy being busy and too complacent. Tbh I was not entirely happy either in 2013-15...I felt taken for granted and tired and life was hard. I just didn't blame my h (maybe I should have lol) or stop loving him. But I could also see that he loved me, that while he was unravelling and getting lost he was fighting to push it away, that he did not plan what happened and that I did not imagine the person I shared my life with even if there were some things I did not know.   

So true. 

A Total breakdown (emotional, spiritual and relational) is an expression I prefer to use for my H.   MLC doesn’t cut it for me.  Too light a word to describe the change that was so profoundly bewildering.

A Crisis, to me, indicates that the essence of the vessel/medium is intact to express its status gone awry. 

A Breakdown, to me, suggests disintegration of the core material - ‘Self’ is broken. 
I think it’s the same with your xh. 

I doubt anyone wants or plans a breakdown ... 
« Last Edit: May 03, 2019, 12:02:18 PM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

 

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