Author Topic: My Story My New Normal 3.0  (Read 2987 times)

Offline 9393rooTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story My New Normal 3.0
« on: May 06, 2019, 01:41:07 PM »
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“If you are always trying to be normal, you will never know how amazing you can be.”
― Maya Angelou

New thread.  If someone would be so kind as to link my others that would be appreciated!

Heading into the 4th year in kind of a strange way.  It took me a few weeks to figure out what was going on with me but I think I hit the withdrawal stage of my own journey.  I have spent the last year in escape and avoid myself and things came to a halt after my trip to Cuba.  Friends and family have been checking up on me as I turned into a little bit of a hermit.  Lots of thinky time on my part.

H is still adamant about going to MC next week, but I can’t for the life of me figure out why.  It will be very interesting what version of my H shows up to the appointment.  Mr. angry, Mr. grumpy, Mr. I think I’m 16 again, or Mr. “what about my feelings?”   Anyone of these could make an appearance. 

As for me, the Last few days have brought about some interesting things.  Saturday morning I was outside talking to my neighbor.  They recently had some trees cut down in their yard and I was getting info from them as we have a tree in our backyard that needs to be cut.  Now, 4 years ago my H would have been horrified that I was thinking of hiring someone to do it as he used to be an adamant do it yourselfer. But the last 3 years I have ended up hiring more and more people to do things around our house.  When I came back inside I noticed my H had changed into some work clothes (he hasn’t done that in awhile). I asked what he was up to and he said “I’m cutting down the tree in the backyard”. Hmm.  Ok then.  I told him I would help.  We spent the whole day working on that tree. It much reminded me of when we first got married and we would spend all weekend working on house projects.  It’s been awhile since we have done this.  We cut up all the wood and I said let’s go get some dinner.  We sat in the sunshine and ate BBQ and drank beer.  It was actually normal.  The old normal from a long time ago.  When we were driving home an old 80’s love song came on the radio.  We sat in the driveway and listened to it.  Then my H says to me dead serious “you want to make out?”  Hmm, I thought you haven’t touched me in 3 months and you want to make out to a high school prom song?  I just laughed and my D happened to call right at that point.  Whew....it was too weird.  At least he considers me his girlfriend now.  I may be actually be moving past the mother stage. 

Second very strange incident happened just this morning.  I was working in my coffee shop and a homeless very dirty guy came in wanting coffee. My shop is not in a very good part of town so I’m used to this thing.  I asked him to leave and he started to become belligerent.  I opened the front door and told him he needed to leave.  Our company offices are upstairs and my H heard me yelling.  The guy came up to me and made a fist and said “someone needs to slap you bi*#$.” He then slapped me hard in the face and ran out the door.  I stood there stunned at first.  A customer called 911 and my H took off after him with another customer.  The other customer was a counselor and has worked with homeless drug addicts before and he was telling my H not to do anything to him.  My H was about ready to kill him.  The police came and arrested him.  I am going to prosecute him.  I wasn’t hurt as much as really shaken up.  It was all so odd. My H asked if I was ok once and then dropped it.  Many other people in the office could not believe it.  One guy that has worked for us a long time said “I hope you know that you may think about this for awhile and take some time to process it- I hope you are ok”. My H responded “She’s a tough cookie, she will be fine”.   He then asked me if I wanted to go to lunch because he was having a hard day and needed someone to talk to? I told him I was busy and went home and cried. 

My H is still out in lala land.  It’s all about him.  He still can’t face me or deal with ANY feeling I am having.  This is all so odd, so very very odd.  I miss the man who used to care more than anything about me. I wonder if he will ever come back. 

Year 4 here I come. 

Previous thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10505.0
« Last Edit: May 07, 2019, 02:14:37 AM by Silver »
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #1 on: May 06, 2019, 02:15:45 PM »
My H responded “She’s a tough cookie, she will be fine”.   He then asked me if I wanted to go to lunch because he was having a hard day and needed someone to talk to? I told him I was busy and went home and cried. 


This is the very essence of MLC isn't it? I mean, how self-centered can one be?

I hope you are doing well Roo. What a horrific and traumatic experience. To be assaulted in a place you deem safe is such an invasion.  I am happy they arrested him though. Yes, I agree that you are a tough cookie for sure. But tough cookies can cry it out and be sad, scared, traumatized, etc when something like this happens too. Seriously, it all sounds just awful.

Anyway, following along with you on your journey into year 4, which is exactly where I am as well. I think you are pretty amazing.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #2 on: May 06, 2019, 05:50:21 PM »
So sorry that happened today. It sounds awful. And your husband's reaction. Ugh. So bad.

LaLa Land is putting it nicely. I might say he's in "the land where no one else matters."  He and my W might be neighbors there.

You may have seen my (mis)adventures with MC. Ultimately it may turn out to have been really helpful. But it was pretty painful as well. I hope it goes well for you if you go through with it. If I could do it over, I would wait a while longer. Just my experience. Your mileage may vary.

Quote
I think you are pretty amazing.
I second this.

Have a great year Roo. You deserve it.

Hey Year 4, you better brace yourself! Roo is coming to kick your butt!!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline barbiedoll

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #3 on: May 06, 2019, 06:10:30 PM »
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He then asked me if I wanted to go to lunch because he was having a hard day and needed someone to talk to? I told him I was busy and went home and cried. 

My H is still out in lala land.  It’s all about him.  He still can’t face me or deal with ANY feeling I am having.  This is all so odd, so very very odd.  I miss the man who used to care more than anything about me. I wonder if he will ever come back. 
.

This is the hard part . I have this type of thing happen to me many many ....ah MANY times. Its incredibly painful to experience and scary. Should this just be "accepted" as part of MLC or is it a glaring red flag? Should you mention it and attempt to talk about how that all made you feel ?   Or deal with it yourself and move on. If you deal with it yourself..will you hold resentment ? All of these things I have asked myself ... I am sorry any of that happened . Horrible .
Married April 1985
5 children
Bomb Drop April 2013
Thrown out of house August 2013
Affair discovered November 2013 (i guessed who)
Home December 3 2013
The Journey Of Reconciliation .. is for the brave .

Anger is like a candle in the wind ... it blows out the light of all reason.

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #4 on: May 06, 2019, 06:16:25 PM »
Roo
I'm so sorry about what happened in your shop.  That is horrible. You are a tough cookie, but your H should have, and I sure he would have if he was normal , to do a whole lot more to comfort you than what he did. 

Roo my W has never mentioned MC. If ahe did, I would give it a try. You will know if its going south, then all you have to do is stop. It may be a good thing though. You will know the first trip!!!
Year 4!?!?! Well I'm rt behind you. IDK if year 4 will be any better for our MLCer, but I know DAMN well it will be for us.  We have been there and done that. Now it's time to do what you want. If H want a to go with You, hey that's even better. If  he wants to stay in la la land, well that's his choice.

The driveway, listening to the song, lol. Well I knkw exactly what you mean. Mine still acts like a teenager too. Some if the things they do and say is really , well just WTF moment.
I've said are you serious!!! HA. Yep, she was. Weird stuff, MLC. I swear you can't make these things up.
Hang in there Roo. Have a good week.

Offline Maleficent

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #5 on: May 06, 2019, 06:45:37 PM »
Roo, I am so sorry about the horrible incident in your coffee shop.  That sounds awful and traumatic.  You may be a tough cookie (we all are!) but tough cookies need comforting and empathy, too. 

Perhaps, for us, escape and avoid can be a good place to recover.  I am still impressed by your trip to Cuba, btw.  I agree, you are amazing.  Please take care. 
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline 9393rooTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #6 on: May 07, 2019, 05:32:07 AM »
Thank you KIT, PJ, Helping, Mal and Barbie,

I’ve decided to take a mental health day today and paint some new outside chairs for my porch a deep shade of purple. 

I decided last night to talk to my H about how I was feeling.  I told him I felt like someone really violated me and now my sense of safety in my coffee shop is off.  He kind of looked at me funny and didn’t say anything.  I was doing dishes later and he came up to me and hugged me and said “I’m sorry this happened to you”.  This is the first really empathetic nice hug I’ve had for weeks.  There is still hope.

Barbie, I have to say I’ve been reading your threads and many things jump out at me too. I’m sorting through what was pre MLC and what behaviors did MLC cause. It’s quite a painful process when your eyes get opened to many things.  Thank you for your candid posts.

Stepping off the struggle bus today.  Making some plans for dinner with friends. 

Have a great day everyone.   
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #7 on: May 07, 2019, 05:56:32 AM »
Roo, I'm so sorry to hear about the incident at your coffee shop.. And your H's dismissive comment, yep, I heard those too.. It's like they don't even care to ask how you feel about a particular thing. But you are supposed to care about THEIR feelings.. argh At least he gave you a hug after, maybe something got through the thick fog after all!

A lot of us do our own version of escape and avoid. My social life has been better than it was in years and I have done a lot of stuff in the last year. It helps to get through the day and it's good to have something to look forward to. The next dinner out with friends, the next meet up in a pub, I also have busied myself with little projects around the house.. but it's all to get my mind and body busy... Eventually I think we realize we are simply going through the motions and we need to face what we need to face.. I haven't become a hermit yet but I'm actually finding I need time by myself (quite a bit of it!).. Something I never needed before.

Year 4 will be your year Roo! You have come so far.  :)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Acorn

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #8 on: May 07, 2019, 06:34:54 AM »
Oh, dear Roo, I’m so sorry about what happened to you at the coffee shop...  (((((((HUGS))))))))
I agree, your H’s flippant (reactionary) comment, ‘tough cookie’, was inappropriate at best.  It is also possible to over-interpret MLCer’s words to line up with our perception of MLCer and a particular situation we are in. 

Inviting you for lunch because he is having a hard day?  A fully functioning adult doesn’t do that.  MLCer is like a little kid who is still very much focused on getting an ice cream though you tripped and broke your ankle on the way to the ice cream parlour.  Not because he is selfish, but because he is yet to grow up.   Some MLCers seem to regress so far back that it’s difficult for LBS to handle the dissonance of MLCer’s physical and emotional age...

Selfishness and immaturity are aspects of MLCer we see confirmed over and over again but it’s the truth.  So, you drop any kind of expectation that MLCer would act like an adult.  You kind of write them off from the adult register.  Life is easier for LBS when you do that.  No expectations, no disappointments and hurt.   

I sincerely hope you recover from the shock soon...
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Shining Star

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #9 on: May 07, 2019, 12:06:58 PM »
Wow!  I say that - but of course I am not shocked.  I saw this same thing in my MLC world.  I wasn't slapped, but was hurt when a crowded arena got out of hand.  My H was all up in arms yelling at the security to arrest the people, blah blah blah  - it was strangers who helped me until medical arrived.  He showed a lot of anger, but no real empathy for me which wasn't the man I knew for all those years.  I will have a life long injury from the incident, but he was 100% into himself and distracted at the time.  I did not feel the safety and security of a loving H at the time, I just didn't understand why.  I am glad you are ok.  I am sorry your H is so selfish.  Hope he made it through his difficult day :(  Stay strong!   
H:56, I am 54
BD: March 2014, Left Sept 2014, Back Nov 2014
Left again in February 2015.  Asked for D on 9/22/15
Said he was "sure" he wanted a D in Dec 2015; 
Admitted long term affair - May 14, 2017 - says he is in love with the "symptom" but wants to build a relationship with me with "clear expectations" WHATEVER THAT MEANS!  Settlement Agreement signed 9/20/17.
Divorce final 3/14/18.
NC - by choice - 1/2018

 

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