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Author Topic: My Story My New Normal 3.0

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  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
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My Story Re: My New Normal 3.0
#10: May 08, 2019, 06:03:02 AM
Thank you for your thoughts and hugs Acorn, Shining Star and One Day,

My attempt to get off the struggle bus were short lived yesterday.  My day ended with a full on sobbing mental breakdown and I unloaded on my H.  Like really unloaded.  He just left for 2 days and I’m sure I won’t hear from him. This morning I’m thinking to myself “Is this what done really feels like?”  I’m not sure but I think I may be there.

My nice quiet day I had planned turned south quickly.  A rental house of ours had a sewer backup and I spent the entire day dealing with that.  I had to find a repair person and find our tenants somewhere to stay while they work on the house. In the middle of all he!! breaking loose, my H called to vent about an employee.  (I thought he was calling to help me-silly me for having those expectations) I said I can’t talk right now I’m dealing with this situation and hung up.  He sent a text and asked me if I was mad at him.  I didn’t respond.  I got home later in the day to a broken dishwasher and a dog that pooped in the house.  H texted to say that he was going to the gym and would be late.  I didn’t respond.  No checking on our rental house, nothing.

I sat down in my unpainted chair and just started to cry, like full on cry.  I called one of my sisters (who is a huge support for me) and told her what was happening.  She said” Roo all of us sisters care so much about you and we love you and we are so worried about you.  You have done everything you can to hold onto your marriage and only you can decide when you are done, you deserve peace, you deserve happiness and you deserve better”. I cried some more.

I pulled myself back together by the time my H came home.  As we were going to bed he said to me “ I feel like you don’t love me anymore Roo.  You don’t laugh at my jokes and you just don’t seem happy.” I unloaded about the last 2 days and about his complete lack of care or understanding, I didn’t stop there.  It went from that to his complete absorption in the company and not one care about me, our children, our home and our life outside the company.  I told him it felt like I was living with a robot. No love, no understanding and no empathy.  All he said was, you are doing things wrong too.  We need to go to marriage counseling so you can see it. Aughh.

He left without a word this morning.  I’m tired of being a “tough cookie” , I’m tired of taking care of everything, I’m tired of not showing my true feelings and my hurt, I’m tired of feeling so alone all the time, I’m just plain tired of it all. 

I know all of you understand.  You all have been in the same spot. Yesterday MLC beat me down, today I’m trying to get back up.  I’m just so tired of it all. 
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Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#11: May 08, 2019, 06:57:57 AM
Dear Roo....  ((((((HUGS))))))
You need to cry and vent sometimes.  The pressure is too much to suppress forever.
I get it. I really do.

There is only one person MLCer is truly concerned with - Himself.  I’m not saying this to denigrate your H.  I’m observing this obvious aspect of MLCers.  Your H has proven yet again that is so with his comment about you being wrong too and needing MC to prove HIS point.  MC is for whom?  Yep, for himself.  That’s why MC is worse than useless at this stage of full self absorption.  It validates MLCer’s POV and inadvertently encourages them to be more selfish.  Any insight you might gain into MLCer’s thinking during MC does not compensate for the harm it does, IMHO.

I get what you mean about you being tired of it all.  I can not even begin to count how many times I felt that way.  Until I gave up counting on him for anything in life.  He was totally written off, not just as a husband but as a sane human being.  He was as useless as the squirrel in the backyard as far as real life was concerned.   No expectations that the squirrel could fix the leaky faucet, and so was my understanding of him.   Some do not go down this route.  They kick MLCer out, legally separate or D.  Some write MLCer off as a dysfunctional and nutty uncle and leave him alone to lurk in the house.  All legitimate.  Many ways to cope with life with MLCer and I chose the nutty uncle route.  The choice is yours, Roo.  You will know when you’ve had enough.  You will choose the best way to walk forward. 

This, too, shall pass, Roo.  Just give it a few days of grace to yourself and recover.

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« Last Edit: May 08, 2019, 06:59:59 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#12: May 08, 2019, 07:02:34 AM
Roo
I do understand how You feel and why you unloaded. As for even starting to try and explain MLC selfish, poor me bull$#!#!!!!! I don't have anything. That's all it is.
What being done means to me???? Not getting mad at what they do!!!!! How hard is that ???? Well, I haven't got there yet. So I'll see if I get there.
I hope you get back on solid ground Roo
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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#13: May 08, 2019, 07:58:32 AM
Roo,

The Mid-Lifers idea of empathy is....



and I think I found a pic of Acorns too when he was "in the groove' (at least squirrels in the back yard can be entertaining... unlike a Mid-Lifer...)


Seriously though, I am really sorry about the coffee shop incident.... We had something similar happen in our church one year during choir practice so I totally know what you were feeling...

And your H's total lack of feeling/understanding/empathy, combined with his completely 3 year old ÿou are too" tantrum speaks volumes about where HE is in the tunnel (like the middle)

Like Acorn said, we know when that line has been crossed....
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#14: May 08, 2019, 08:02:32 AM
Sorry you are having such a hard time Roo.. I had a similar blow up with H when he was still at home so I know how it feels. I felt invisible, it was all about him and essentially told I couldn't keep the weight of our marriage on my own shoulders.. Yes, it's not what's recommended "because it adds pressure" but we are humans!!! And we have emotions.. You have been handling this for a long time and it's testament to your commitment and grace, don't ever forget that!

Maybe your H's trip is a good thing right now. It will give you both time and space to think.. I'm glad to hear you have your sisters supporting you, we all need a shoulder to cry on now and again. They are right, you deserve better and it's up to you to decide if you continue to give your H a chance to prove he can provide it..  It won't happen overnight (unfortunately) and you know it. You will know when you have had enough. If you are unsure now, you are probably not quite there yet. Just let all this bottled up emotion out and you'll feel better after.

Big hugs!
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H - 43 (40 @BD1)
M - 43 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019
H gets engaged with OW (we are not divorced) - Oct 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#15: May 08, 2019, 08:25:06 AM
I hope it helped to vent here, Roo, bc yes we get it.
Their lack of empathy or anything but self-centredness is incomprehensibly huge and virtually impossible to explain in RL. But we get it.
I'm not given to big anger but the times when I felt most angry and resentful were when I was dealing with all the hard adult things that my h initially refused to deal with or talk about, and then ran away and abandoned me with the lot. It is very hard to be the adultier adult all the time with no back up adult.

You will pull yourself up and this moment will pass. As events and time unfolds, if you get to done and stay there, you will know. Meanwhile, here are some positives...your h's response was not normal for a reasonable adult and that gave you a pretty clear sign of where he is at and what he will be like in MC. And that might be useful info for you. The other positive is that he is away and you get a break; in fact you might want to muse on simple ways to give yourself more of a break from him in future. The other positive is that being the adultier adult (bc Acorn is quite right that he is a waste of space for anything that isn't about work and his feelings probably) means you get more control and a bigger vote on some of this stuff and that might lead you to make some new choices about the current responsibilities you carry.

But we get it, it isn't fair and it is exhausting...hug from here
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#16: May 08, 2019, 08:48:17 AM
I told him it felt like I was living with a robot. No love, no understanding and no empathy.  All he said was, you are doing things wrong too.  We need to go to marriage counseling so you can see it. Aughh.

Roo-I actually told my husband exactly the same thing 2 years ago. "You are like a robot. I push the buttons and you do what you are supposed to do but you feel nothing." His response? "That's an accurate assessment." I have to give him credit at least for seeing himself the same way I did and not denying it or trying to put it back on my head. This was 3 weeks after he told me he had no feelings for anyone and 2 weeks after he told me that if he got his feelings back, he would wish he was dead.

Personally, I think there must be a chip in the brain that controls both empathy and feeling their own pain. They want to shut off their own pain but in doing so they also shut off the empathy. I don't think it is something personal about us. Your H may be projecting with his comment about you having problems too.

I consider my H's lack of feelings the biggest problem between us. Because of the domino effect it has on so many other things and I have told him this more than once. Yet, at the same time, I know it can't be pleasant to be in this state of mind either and feel empathy for him.
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« Last Edit: May 08, 2019, 08:50:23 AM by GonerinGhana »

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#17: May 08, 2019, 10:21:03 AM
So sorry, Roo. The lack of empathy is truly astonishing.

I love everything that Acorn said.

You are strong. This too shall pass.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#18: May 08, 2019, 12:46:17 PM
I'm so sorry Roo. I remember when I first found Hero's Spouse and was assigned Medusa as my mentor. One of the many great questions she asked me was "Do you feel like you just need to be heard?" And the plain truth was yes. And still is. Except, even if they hear us, they just don't care. Well, about our feelings anyway. Every single time, without fail, that I tell H how much S misses him, his response is "I miss him too." and "I'm sad too." As if HIS pain should somehow cancel out S's.  And this is a 9-12 year old boy.

I'd say your H is struggling big time. And having to be the adult and not have someone to share your real feelings with would be exhausting and sad. And yes, you DO deserve better. Absolutely you do. Trouble is, I don't think your H, or any of them in MLC, are really capable of it for quite a while. May be worth it in the long run. But the road there is a hard one and definitely not for the weak. Hugs friend.
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Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#19: May 09, 2019, 09:40:57 AM
Wanted to pop in here to thank all of you for your support the last few days.  I was cycling big time and with my H gone yesterday I was able to gain a little more clarity of the situation. 

I realized in my low cycle how many people do really care about me.  I had a coffee customer bring me flowers and told me how much it meant to him that we have stayed in business in this neighborhood.  I went to dinner with a good friend and laughed and laughed about the crazy things that have been happening the last few weeks.  All of my children called (called not texted- which is huge for my children) to make sure I was ok.  And all of you who came and supported me....thank you. 

I am back to being a “tough cookie”. I have decided that I am going to start making some decisions and moving forward.  Pre BD my H and I talked about selling our home and downsizing.  We have some property not far from us now and we were going to build there.  We often would sit together and plan out what each of us wanted in our new home.  Negotiating different things.  All of that stopped with MLC.  I have realized that I now feel stuck in our home. We remodeled it together for the last 25 years and it has always meant a lot to me. But now it’s too big and too much work.  I know we need to downsize.  I have made the decision that I am going to push for selling next spring.  I’m going to start cleaning it out room by room and getting a handle on it all. I know I want to spend one more Christmas here and I know I will be handling this mostly on my own.  I told my H the other day I wanted to move, he said you can pick somewhere to live I don’t care where we go. So, I guess I will be getting all the things I joked about getting in our new home.  :) I have started just looking a little and will be able to narrow it down by next year. 

I’ve decided in our new home there will be an extra bedroom for my crazy uncle (thanks Acorn) It’s up to him if he will be following along or not. 

I’m making plans, making decisions and moving my stuck self forward.  Today I feel good and back to being strong.  Pity party is over. 
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Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

 

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