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Author Topic: My Story My New Normal 3.0

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My Story Re: My New Normal 3.0
#110: November 16, 2019, 02:26:14 PM
Roo, when you understand what serenity means and embrace it, your life changes.  Look at you, that’s what’s happening to you.  Such growth...  Serenity, to me, means peaceful repose in my core, because I have accepted my reality, given up my addiction to wishful thinking , and given my poor suffering H to God.  It’s giving up all over which I have no control.   

May serenity and peace be in your heart always.

By the way, I believe that your H had no intention of leaving you.
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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#111: December 03, 2019, 02:49:04 PM
Just catching up Roo.  You are doing very good imo.
Keep it up.
I'm still about same spot as you. My.W is not bat$h!t crazy, but still not done.
Your H is riding a slow a$$ turtle, but he may still rude up with the shining armor on. Ha.

Have a good one Roo
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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#112: December 20, 2019, 09:39:23 AM
Hello everyone.  Thought I would send out a quick update in the topsy turvy world of reconnecting.  Just in time for the holidays my H has decided to take a trip back into the tunnel and do his best impression of the grinch and scrooge combined….it’s been a rough couple of weeks.

It all started right after Thanksgiving.  Thanksgiving was actually really great.  All our children were home. We ate, drank and played games for 3 days straight.  My H was so much like my old H my heart was full.  Most of his time was spent on the sidelines observing all the action.  Which I see happening more and more these days.  We all spent one full day as a family cutting up a dead tree on his sister’s property and stacking firewood.  We used to do this every winter, but it ended 5 years ago.  Since that time, I have ordered wood and pretty much stacked it myself.   It was good to see his old self back, laughing and joking.  On the last night before everyone left he got into bed and hugged me and said “I’m sorry for everything, I really am”  I was so shocked I didn’t know what to say.  I just hugged him back. 

Everything started to change after that.  It was almost like I could see him walking slowly backwards into the tunnel.  Last summer when my H was going through a good cycle, he decided he wanted to start running marathons again. Pre bomb drop we traveled a lot together running.  He would run a full marathon and I would run a half.  We went many places together and always had a lot of fun.  He decided on the Honolulu marathon.  I hadn’t been running much so I decided to go as a spectator.  I booked a condo on the beach and was making plans.  A week before we were to go my H asked if it was too late to cancel as he said he didn’t feel like he could run it well.  I said that everything was non-cancelable at that point.  He said that he didn’t want to go.  I told him I was still going with or without him (I really meant that) and to let me know if he wasn’t going to join.  He ignored me. 

The night before we were going to go he started to pack.  I had already packed and was upstairs watching TV.  He came to me and asked some questions about what he should pack.  (Pre BD I always helped in packing)  I gave some advice and then he said.  “Remember in the good old days when you used to help me pack?”  to which I replied “Remember when you told me 2 years ago that helping you pack was an invasion of your privacy? “ He said “I never said that!”  to which I replied “You did and that’s when I stopped helping”   He walked away. 

From this point on, my H started to show signs of his narcissistic high replay self.   I watched it all unfold in front of me.  He was incredibly rude to me on the flight over and by the time we landed he asked what was wrong with me as I shut down.  I retold him all the things that he had said to me over the last 6 hours.  He said “I’m sorry, I didn’t realize I said that?”   The next 4 days I tried my best to detach.  (Hard to do in a 600 sq ft condo on vacation)  I read a good book for the first time in 4 years, took walks on my own and watched some incredible sunsets while my H holed up and watched TV.   He would say the strangest things to me over and over.  The most odd was right after he ran the marathon.  We were walking past someone smoking and he said “I love the smell of cigarette smoke.  I think I might take up smoking???”  OW smokes and this was a huge trigger for me as I knew he was with her because he smelled like smoke afterwards.  I took a deep breath and said “Well that would be a really smart thing to do and I’m sure it would improve your marathon time”  He looked at me oddly.
 
I was so relieved to go home as I realized how detached I have become and how he has so far to go.  We both have retreated to our perspective corners and it’s much better that way for now. 
My D20 is home for the holidays and I have been shopping, baking and watching cheesy Christmas movies.  My H is far away in his mind and has become super crabby and often expresses his “woe is me attitude”    My D told me he texted her yesterday and asked if she would find, buy and wrap a gift for me for Christmas and he would pay her back ??? She told him she was done with her Christmas shopping and maybe he needed to shop for his own wife.   Christmas morning should be interesting.  I have NO expectations.  Receiving nothing would be better than last year’s bracelet that matched both his and the OW’s…..  We shall see. 

One step forward 3 steps back.  I’m finally starting to see the cycles coming and see when detachment is necessary.  He’s coming and going all the time for the last month.  He looks exhausted and sad.  I found him the other night asleep in front of the Christmas tree. He looked so calm and peaceful.  I was a little overcome with emotion and I went and kissed him on the forehead.  He said “Thanks Roo-I love you”.

On a side note, I just wanted to express my gratitude for many of you on this site.  I don’t know where I would be without the sound advice, open ears for venting and the reaffirmation that I’m not crazy for sticking with my H.   I’m wishing you all some peace this season and good changes for the new year. 




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BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#113: December 21, 2019, 05:53:10 PM
Roo -
Following and just wanted to say that I'm sorry that he's heading back into the fog, but at least cycling is a good thing.  Progression toward the end; going back to work on what needs to be done.
You've seen glimpses and glances of the wonderful H, now getting to experience the MLC H again.  Keep the kisses and apologies close in your heart as you go through the rough patch again.
I'm hoping for you that his cycling will equate to a good Christmas day for you, and so happy that Thanksgiving was a great family time with everyone together.

Keep posting what you need or want to post.
Remember cycling is normal.

Have a happy holiday and let us know how it goes.

Hugs,
Sea
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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#114: December 31, 2019, 10:24:29 AM
Thanks Sea for responding. 

I wanted to end my 2019 thread and wish you all a peaceful and forward moving 2020.  I've decided to take a 3 month break from here for the new year.  I find myself reading new threads and sometimes feeling stuck so I have decided to take a break.

My H has reentered the tunnel once again and has started back up replay.  I was shown videos yesterday from another employee of him singing karaoke at a bar with the OW sitting right beside him. He says it was nothing (I've heard that before) and has no concept of what he is doing.  Christmas threw him over the edge.  Family, friends, travel.  He is cycling wildly.  I'm practicing extreme detachment.  I am leaving for Ecuador in a week and have decided that I may move into our little apartment above the garage when I return.  I need some big time space from his cake eating, projection etc. 

I'm letting it all go, the hope, the expectations, the empathy.  I have nothing left in my tank.  I was the lighthouse and he used it all to his advantage.  Cake eating at it's finest. 

A three month extreme self care is in order.    MLC is not linear or predictable.  I'm coming up on 4 years and could not tell you where my H is at this point.  The only advice I have is what all the old timers have given time and time again:  Let go and let God and go and find yourself.  I'm doing both starting today. 

2020 is a year of change for me. 
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BD #1 Spring 2016
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H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#115: February 11, 2020, 09:55:09 AM
Good Morning HS world.  Thought I would take a minute and update my thread as it has been a little while.  It's been an interesting and productive couple of months and I thought I would share some of the lessons I have learned and the progress I have made on my own journey.  I started off 2020 by waking up New Years morning at 2 am asking myself "WTH am I doing with my life" I had just spent from Thanksgiving to Christmas dealing with lots of family, lots of stress and a H who decided the best way to deal with all of it was to go back into the tunnel and become his 16 year old self.  I was attached and was going along for his roller coaster ride.  I was upset, took everything that he was doing personally and spent most of my days worried about where he was headed next.  Was he getting ready for another BD?  The more I started to attach, the more he shut down and deeper he went.  I had to deal with our kids who were confused, long time employees who were confused and family who all looked to me to explain what was going on with him.  I laid in bed New Years Day and I formulated a plan of separation.  

The next morning I woke up and I told my H.  I wanted space.  I told him I wanted him to move out of our bedroom once again.  If he did not want to do that I was going to move into a small area we have above our garage.  I told him we both have some issues to deal with and all we were doing was holding each other back.  He was scared,but he agreed.  He moved out of our room.  I cleaned it all out, got some new lamps a new bedspread and made it my space.  I stopped all communication with him.  All the kids left to their own lives and our house was quiet, very quiet.  I stopped talking to him and he did likewise.  I had already planned a volunteer trip to Ecuador and it couldn't have come at a better time.  The day I left, he cried.  I told him we both needed to find out who we were as we both had become lost.  It was here I realized how codependent we had become in the last 35 years.  I also realized that I was ready to shed this codependency, but he wasn't.  I faced my fear of losing him, losing our life together and I cut the single thread that I was holding onto.  I got on a plane by myself to a foreign country I had never been to to meet up with a group of people who knew nothing about me.  It was most likely the best thing I have done in my life. 
 
For one week I was Roo.  The Roo I had lost before marriage, 4 kids and a life where for 35 years I had forgotten about me.  I helped build a wall around a daycare center in a small Ecuadorian town, I played with the cutest babies I had ever seen.  I met people who inspired me, made me laugh and made me realize that I kind of like myself, I'm actually kind of cool!  There was no MLC there was no preconceived notions of the person I was, it was pretty awesome.  I came home and have continued my quest to find separation in my life.  I am starting to realize that nothing will ever be the same in our marriage mostly because I have changed and there is no going back.   I've let go of trying to put things back together because I don't know what together looks like anymore.  My H is scared and cycling.  He said the other day that it felt like I was giving up on us.  I told him I'm not giving up but just letting go.  I have no control over what happens anymore. 
 
So here we are.  Both of us are trying to grow up and for the first time in 35 years we have to do it on our own.  We are in no position to try to put us back together until we each figure out who we are.  We are friendly but distant.  I have no idea what tomorrow is going to bring, I just know that today I am going to continue to build a life that I love on my own.  Its hard and it's scary, but in the end I truly believe it will all be worth it.  I will update in a few months on where my letting go has taken me.  I wish you all well in your own situations.  

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Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#116: February 11, 2020, 10:45:56 AM
Good to hear from you Roo
I said the same phrase , almost ha. I told ny.W I had to go find myself again. She didn't understand. 
I think it's a good thing Roo.  Your not giving up. Your still trying. Keep it up.
Roo you need to heal . Take all the time you need. It will never work if we (the lbs) do not fix ourselves. 2 broken people can't do anything but stay broke.
You enjoy life and go find Roo.  Your H is not going anywhere, but.in circles atm. He will be around if and when you need him.



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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#117: February 12, 2020, 12:53:07 AM
Good Morning Roo,

It can take a while before we are able to pull our noses away from the tree on which we have had them pressed for years and realize that there is, in fact, an entire FOREST full of trees around us. When that happens, the Mid-Lifer, who has been leaning on us so heavily while trying to push us away, really tends to loose their balance and begin the long slow toppling over because we are no longer that anchor point that is holding them up.
Your trip sounds lovely and it sounds as if it was just the kick in the seat of the britches you needed to get moving forward in your own life, your own way.

If H chooses to do HIS work, maybe he will get his head out of his .... fog.... and try to catch up. Sounds though like he is running scared since he no longer has the anchor point he previously did.... THAT is a good thing...
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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#118: February 12, 2020, 01:55:39 AM
Good to hear from you, Roo. Your trip sounded amazing. I wish you lots of strength to face this new phase in your life. You sound determined. xxx
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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#119: February 12, 2020, 05:50:24 AM
Thank you Helping, Ursa and Milly.

Coming up on 4 years post BD #1 next month.  So MANY lessons learned in the last 4 years and so many people on here who have helped me through some of the darkest times of my life. 

Quote
It can take a while before we are able to pull our noses away from the tree on which we have had them pressed for years and realize that there is, in fact, an entire FOREST full of trees around us.

This couldn't be more true for me.  Not only am I seeing an entire forest of trees, I'm finding my own path out of the forest.   I hope at some point my H finds his path too, I really do. 
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Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

 

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