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Author Topic: My Story My New Normal 3.0

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My Story Re: My New Normal 3.0
#120: February 12, 2020, 07:03:20 AM
Welcome back, Roo, and thank you for sharing what you’ve been up to.


I humbly offer my observation that you are well on your way to defining your own identity which leads you to hold yourself responsible for your own state of being (happy, sad, angry, resentful, etc.), your own words and actions, and consequences there of. 

No wonder this fine state of mind has led you to leave your MLCer to himself to work on defining his own identity.  No one can do it for him.  It always was and is his choice to cut the emotional apron string that ties him to you, and grow up.  This is the same lesson LBSs learn, of which you are taking a fast-track course.  :)

I will say this again because it is important: It always was and is your choice to be 100% accountable for your own emotions, attitudes, words and actions, and consequences. 

The forum does not lack for examples of LBS healing herself and thriving because she takes full responsibility for her Self, and not dwell in the emotional basement of blaming others or circumstances for her state of being, or  worse, wait for someone or something to change her state of being. Blame = perpetual misery.   

I am so happy to see you are choosing:

100% accountability for self = The ability to define Self. 

You go, Roo! 
(((((HUGS))))))
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« Last Edit: February 12, 2020, 07:07:40 AM by Acorn »
My first thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8164.150

My reconnecting thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10524.msg699615#msg699615

Live-in MLCer

Feb 2015: BD. 
Oct 2015: ILYBINILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#121: February 12, 2020, 07:57:55 AM
I agree with Acorn.
I think there comes a point when - regardless of the reasons and regardless of our spouse's behaviour - we just say no, i don't want to live like this any longer. And off we set....
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

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My New Normal 3.0
#122: April 08, 2020, 03:28:10 PM
Hello,thought I would update as it seems like many of you I have a little time on my hands lately!

Life with my clinging boomerang H is honestly pretty stable and calm for the moment.  The pandemic has definitely added to this calm in that my H is finding it hard to run too far away from me! January and February were truly two of the worst months I have had since BD.  My H went full on back into the tunnel and I had to drop the rope completely.  All of the pain and hurt and crazy talk came at me with a force  like nothing I have seen in awhile.  My H started drinking like crazy, partying when he traveled to OW's town (I found this out recently while reconciling credit cards)  and pretty much ignoring me as best he could.  I was lost and lonely but it did kick my butt back into detachment gear.  I started making all sorts of plans for myself to travel and get myself more involved in the community.  We were very much strangers that were passing in the night.  I said to my H at one point that I think we should separate, he agreed and then went on a drinking binge.  Beginning of March things started to change a little for my H.  We started to slowly go out for dinner with each other, watch movies together and spend just a little more time together.  He asked if he could move back into our room and I agreed.  No intimacy but it is nice to have a warm body next to me now.  I think what may have had him start emerging  was two separate things.  1.  He felt safe to try because I was calm.  I didn’t show any emotion or sadness when talking to him.  For awhile there,I would come at him with both guns blazing.  2.  I was able to tell him that I forgave him.  He has not heard this from me before as I was not ina position to say it.  It’s been a few years of really honest soul searching to come to this point.  It was in our last R talk that this came out.  It started horribly as we started to talk about the last few years and he said “ I think my affair was a lot in your head, it wasn’t as bad as you think it was.....” Well I unloaded the cannons on that one.  I told him him his affair almost took us down.  It was devastating to me and our family and he wasn't going to be able to minimize that fact.  His response was “You will never forgive me” I told him I did forgive him and now he has to work on forgiving himself which is going to take some work.  He started to cry and walked away.  I got a text from him later that day that just said “Thank you”

I think this may have been the start of him attempting to come forward again.  Covid 19 hit and it started to change everything even more.  2 of my 4 children moved back home to ride this out. I had to close my coffee shop, and stop all my volunteer work.  My H’s company is essential so he is still going to work.  He still puts in long hours which may be good for both of us right now.  I’m noticing more and more that he is starting to turn back my way.  The biggest thing lately is he is asking me my opinions about things.  Especially his employees. He is actually listening to me and implementing my suggestions.  I’m using this time to re-evaluate some things.  The biggest change for me is that I am calm in this storm and people are noticing.  My kids have all commented on it and H too.  I keep telling them that we can’t control anything but our selves and our reactions so we have to take responsibility for that.  (One big big lesson I’ve learned from here).  I have no idea what the future holds for my marriage, my family or my life at this point.  I do know that I now get up in the morning happy, calm and grateful for another day.  I think I’ve reached total acceptance.  There’s some peace to that!  Yesterday I stripped down 2 old Adirondack chairs and painted them bright purple.  I’m not super handy so this was a big deal for me! I’m currently sitting in one with a glass of wine as I type this. 

Stay healthy, stay safe and focus on what you can control, yourself.  Take this time to find joy in the small things around youth at are good.  My marriage has a long way to go to be healed, but there is time for that as we slowly inch back towards each other. 
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Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

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My New Normal 3.0
#123: April 09, 2020, 01:38:21 PM
What a long and difficult journey you've been on. But what a wonderful reward.

I too have heard those words--"You will never forgive me." You are right. They cannot forgive themselves. They are disgusted with their actions. And while we sometimes worry that it is that same fear that will keep them in the tunnel so to speak, I do believe it is a positive in that they are able to at least accept and take responsibility for their actions, even if they do not change things immediately. Hard to be in the middle of it though. But you have always done such a great job at knowing this was not about you and detaching in such s healthy way. Of course I know that did not come without a terrible amount of pain and agony.

I am picturing you now with your glass of wine sitting on your beautiful purple Adirondack chair! Cheers friend.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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My New Normal 3.0
#124: April 09, 2020, 02:39:15 PM
Hello Roo.

I love the sound of of your purple Adirondack chairs! I usually go for muted neutral colours but I saw a picture the other day of the most beautiful colourful porch of a house in the French quarter in New Orleans and was drawn to how joyous and carefree it looked. When I think of you sitting all peaceful like sipping a glass of wine in your purple chair I get the same feeling. Thank you for conjuring the image and for modelling grace for us.

I’m struggling a little with stepping out of the victim role (part of me very good at it, part of me very bad). Reading posts from people like yourself reminds me what I’m aiming for so I can keep practising.

 I feel I have forgiven my H... but part of me is not making that forgiveness unconditional. Part of me is still holding an obvious grudge against him and won’t let it go UNLESS he shows remorse and regret and ‘changes his mind’ (ie dumps OW and tries to make his way back to me and the marriage). It’s like this unconscious bit of me that is clinging to wanting that control and I’m really having difficulty tackling it.

So, as I said, hearing from people such as yourself reminds me where I want to get to. I want to get to that place where I can simply be happy in my life and be happy for him to work out his own life, no guilt strings attached. I want to be able to genuinely miss him but wish him well on his journey wherever that takes him.

And now I’m just waffling, sorry. I find it hard to articulate exactly what I mean sometimes so I tend to go on and on! lol I hope you have many more peaceful days going forward and your husband comes more and more back to himself.
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M: 50 (48 @ BD)
H: 53 (51 @ BD)
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 21 (19 @ BD)
D: 19 (17 @ BD)
'Extra D': 19 (17 @ BD)
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (45, now 47) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her. Jun 20: H plans to buy a block of land and build a house with her.

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My New Normal 3.0
#125: May 27, 2020, 10:01:53 PM
Hello HS world.  I decided it was time to update my thread.  I’m seeing more and more reconnecting stories on here and thought I would throw mine into the ring today.  Before I do, I want to say to many who have posted on here faithfully I am reading your threads and cheering you on.  I have seen so many on here grow by leaps and bounds, with or without your marriages intact.  I firmly believe that as a LBS there is a ton of inner work to be done before we escape from our own tunnel too.  It is so incredibly hard to look in the mirror sometimes and reclaim your identity.  I silently cheer when I see progress in many, and it gives me hope that I am doing the same.

In this new topsy turvey world we have all found ourselves in, my H has decided to dive into the tunnel and enter the world of liminality?.  It is very much a strange new thing for me as he is all over the place lately.  As a clinging boomerang the last 4 years my H has been very affectionate and clingy.  All of that has ended and now he is deeply depressed, withdrawn, and desperately tries to put things back to the way they were when he was feeling good in replay.  His new OW is for sure his business and unfortunately the first OW still works for us and is lingering in the background.  He is currently doing nothing to make her go away.  In fact he uses her often for her “knowledge”  about some parts of his business.  This is where I have had to draw a line in the sand.  In fact just today it happened again.  He had to be reminded again that I will not be doing this again and he has some choices to be making.  Boundaries have become my best friend lately.  I used to really suck at them, but the stronger I get the more enforcement I feel like I have.  I think my H is starting to realize that the old Roo is gone and the new Roo might be a force to be reckoned with?  But who really knows if he is realizing anything at all anymore.  2 weeks ago I got a phone call from him while he was traveling telling me he was sorry for everything and he was crying, today I find out he is in direct communication with OW.  Something we both set as a boundary over 2 years ago.  He continues to be lost and I continue to find myself. Kind of opposite ends of the spectrum now. He’s crabby, complains about everything and everyone and is generally not the person I want to be with.  I’m trying to leave him alone but every once in awhile I have to step in and protect all that I’ve worked towards.  My self respect, my happiness and my quality of life all depend on it.

The worlds pandemic has actually brought me a new peace and calmness.  2 of my 4 children moved home because of different circumstances.  My D20 and my S 27 have been the joy of this whole quarantine.  We have kind of made our own little family unit the last few months and it has really been wonderful.  Lots of cooking, laughter and projects around the house.  Our house has felt full and active as the past 2 years it has been pretty empty.  My S is a 4th grade teacher.  He and his wife had a whole plan to move to Amsterdam with her new job.  She left in Feb and he was going to stay until June to finish school.  They had 3 trips planned to see each other, needless to say they all got canceled.  He sold his house and moved home.  I’ve had the pleasure of watching him teach kids online.  He is really gifted with children and makes them laugh often.  My D is finishing her 2nd year of school here and is driven, smart as a whip and funny.  We have had many laughs and many talks some about their Dad.  My D was in thick of all of his replay stuff and pretty much ignores him.  My H hasn’t made a lot of efforts to be here with us all.  He works 13 hours a day.  Sometimes it feels like he is watching us through the window of a strangers house.  We all kind of ignore him, if he shows up for dinner great, if not that’s ok too. 

Me, I’ve had to shut down my coffee shop and pretty much all the GAL activities I was doing.  Of everything I miss traveling the most.  A huge homeless camp has set up outside my door of the shop and it doesn’t look like it will be moving anytime soon.  I’ve become more politically active than I thought I would ever be about this issue.  I’ve cried a few tears and mourned the loss of yet another thing in my life. It’s been very interesting.  I’m usually a fairly quiet person but have become pretty vocal about the situation.  I currently have the mayors aide texting me and trying to help.  It’s a big old mess. I’ve had some time to think these days and I am trying to think if I even want to reopen at all at this point. Our county has not reopened anything yet so I may have a little time.  I know that soon my S will be leaving and my D will be headed back to school in the fall, I may have to make some bigger decisions by then.  Both my H and I know we have to sell our house.  It’s much to big for the 2 of us. We have lived here for 25 years so it’s going to be hard.  For the last 4 years I’ve been doing most of the upkeep and I’m tired of it.  I just don’t know where the 2 of us are going to land.  Together? Separate?  Both possibilities are on the table.  We have some property that we had planned on building on, but now my H is looking at the plans himself.  He hired an architect without consulting me and said he wants to build something with retail underneath. (We live in a city) I have been pretty clear that I don’t want to live above retail.  I asked him if this plan was just for him or was it for us.  His answer was us.  I said shouldn’t we be working on it together and compromise?  He looked at me blankly.  I also said maybe we should sort out our marriage before we plan a home.  He reply. “I’m tired of working on our marriage”. Huh?  This from a man that I have had no relationship talks with in over 2 months. 

He still is really making not a lot of sense.  Still in the tunnel.  I think maybe replay is over and he is fighting having to look at himself. He has drown himself in work and his company.  The company right now is kind of a mess.  Ive stepped out of being the cheerleader and he can’t pick up the slack.  His employees look miserable.  My H is angry, and complains about employees often. The corona virus has brought out the worst in him. He is angry that employees are scared to come to the office and wants it all to just go away.  He is losing a lot of respect. 

The more time goes on the more I truly see this is all about him.  While I have empathy for him sometimes I also have seen things that have been there throughout our marriage that really need to change.  I have told him on several occasions that I would love to start a new relationship with him but he has to commit to meeting me half way making it work.  He has said he isn’t sure if he is up for that.

I continue to work on myself and trying to find my direction.  Leaving him alone to twist and turn has saved my sanity often.  There have been several things I have worked on changing about myself and I can see the results often.  I’m a much calmer, enjoyable, funny person now.  My kids have noticed the change and my S told me yesterday that he was proud of me.  I had a good friend over for outside lunch today.  She knows my whole journey.  I said to her “ I often wonder if my H really truly loved me”. She said “I’ve known you both for over 30 years and he did and still loves you deeply, he’s just lost”. I know he does too.  I just don’t know if he is willing to put the work in to face himself.  I do know I can’t help him right now. 

So here I sit the last week in May, 4 years into a journey I would never wish on anyone.  I’m making progress and for that I am proud.  I have so many, many really good things in my life.  My children who I adore, my sisters who are my rocks, my parents who are in their late 80’s and healthy, friends that I can turn to. I am thankful for this site and the friendships I have formed.  I was able to type out my frustrations in an angry PM to a friend on here this morning, and I knew she would understand me. 

I’m moving forward.  I really hope that my H can find his way out to follow me.  I still have hope. 
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Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

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My New Normal 3.0
#126: May 28, 2020, 03:41:49 AM
Hi Roo,

Thanks for the update but seriously, H seems to be in LBITG Mode (Lost Ball In Tall Grass) and looking out of his belly button (so you KNOW where his head is ::) ....)
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Me - 56, xW - 50
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S - 13, D - 9
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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My New Normal 3.0
#127: May 28, 2020, 05:26:56 AM
Quote
Thanks for the update but seriously, H seems to be in LBITG Mode (Lost Ball In Tall Grass) and looking out of his belly button (so you KNOW where his head is ::) ....)

This pretty sums up my situation perfectly! 😁. Thanks for the laugh this morning UM!
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Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

K
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My New Normal 3.0
#128: June 02, 2020, 02:37:31 PM
I said to her “ I often wonder if my H really truly loved me”. She said “I’ve known you both for over 30 years and he did and still loves you deeply, he’s just lost”. I know he does too.  I just don’t know if he is willing to put the work in to face himself.  I do know I can’t help him right now. 



He definitely still loves you.  I think that the fact he is there and "trying" says a lot Roo, though I am sure it has to be excruciating to witness. When he says things like he is tired of working on the marriage, or that he isn't up for building a new relationship, I believe he means them. Right now anyway. If he is in liminality, it is exhausting.  And just recovering from replay in and of itself, the leading of a double life, all of it, must leave them utterly exhausted. I think one of the perks, if you can all it that, of withdrawal, etc., is that it gives them an opportunity to catch their breath. (These are not young men after all).

It makes sense to me too b/c I know my H is ready to come back to his old life, but cannot muster the energy b/c that means he would have to face OW consequences, not to mention breaking it off with OW herself creates more issues and problems than my H is willing, or even able to handle right now.

I think I've said it a million times. But living with the MLCer has got to be excruciating. Death by a million cuts. Constant reminders of the pain and hurt. And near impossible to not take it personally right? How could one not? Even the most enlightened LBS would have a rough go of it. And you are barely at 4 years?

From the cheap seats, it sure looks like your H is progressing in perfect MLCer time. One painful milometer at a time.

Sorry about your coffee chop. But happy you have found other ways to occupy your time. I am hoping the shop will make a reemergence after all this.

You still have hope. That right there says it all. To have gone through what you did and yet still posses such resilience speaks volumes of your maturity, grace, kindness and unconditional love, to name just a few.
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Me 49
H 47
S13
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

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My New Normal 3.0
#129: June 04, 2020, 10:18:18 AM
Thanks for all the kind words KIT. 

Quote
I think one of the perks, if you can all it that, of withdrawal, etc., is that it gives them an opportunity to catch their breath. (These are not young men after all).

This is a very good point KIT.  I think that with all the clinging my H did (and still does to some extent) his withdrawal really freaked me out a bit.  When I start to look at it more, it seems like it is kind of a gift for both of us, as it makes me focus more on myself while he is focusing on himself (hopefully!)

Sometimes I see the little wheels spinning in his head, other times they seem to be grinding to a halt.  It’s a slow process for sure.  Live in has been hard, but him leaving would be just as painful.  I look at situations like yours and when the disappear completely and I don’t know how you all do it as well.  I don’t think there is a perfect scenario for having an MLC’er, they all pretty much suck!   

Focusing on ourselves is the only way out for us LBS’s.  I’m truly convinced of this now. 

     
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Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

 

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