Author Topic: My Story My New Normal 3.0  (Read 2959 times)

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3162
  • Gender: Female
My Story Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #20 on: May 09, 2019, 09:48:43 AM »
Yep, I knew it.  You recovered! 
You are one tough cookie.  All for yourself.
No need to be one for him.  He can do that himself. 

The sun always comes out after a rain.  Ain’t that the truth!
((((HUGS)))))
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Maleficent

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 313
  • Gender: Female
Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #21 on: May 10, 2019, 05:58:34 PM »
Hi Roo, Glad to hear you are feeling good and back to being strong.  It is amazing how the gesture of a customer with flowers or your children picking up a phone to check in on you can make a difference. Tough cookie is strong and in control!
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline PJ Will Be OK

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 608
  • Gender: Male
Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #22 on: May 10, 2019, 10:02:11 PM »
You recover quickly Roo! Glad to hear that you are making plans and moving forward.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline KeepItTogether

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 5128
  • Gender: Female
Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #23 on: May 13, 2019, 05:20:24 PM »
Something tells me that crazy uncle will definitely be following you to your new home.   8)
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9490
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #24 on: May 14, 2019, 02:44:34 AM »
Something tells me that crazy uncle will definitely be following you to your new home.   8)

But you do NOT have to let him in if he does.. Your house, YOUR rules....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2818
  • Gender: Female
Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #25 on: May 14, 2019, 03:14:21 PM »
Roo, I'm really glad to see you're in fighting mode again. It was absolutely not fair that your H didn't come and help you out with the house problems or at least sympathize. And it's ok to tell him, too.

I like your downsizing plans. It makes so much sense at this point for us to live in a house that is affordable and doesn't require us to spend 1-2 hours a day just to keep it tidy. Better to cut the expenses and enjoy the money or save it. Plus it's fun to get a chance at a brand new home, especially after what we've been through. We get a clean palate to be a new us, and say f-it to everyone. We get to do the new house in whatever way we fancy. There's a great feeling in this.

Your H is still not finished with his crisis, but at least he still includes himself in your life, even if he's not participating. Very frustrating, I am not denying it, but the alternative is you sell and go separate ways. You get a smaller, all-you home, you don't rely on any help from him, you do things just to please you. Or you sell this big house, buy a smaller one and make the financials easier for both of you. You don't rely on any help from him, you do thing just to please you, but you still have your life partner sitting in a chair beside you at times, someone you can still talk history with, someone who is still talking to you face to face. It's not enough for most people, except the people on here. And the idea is that they are not going to remain like this for ever.

However, it's up to you what you can take. Letting him know how frustrated you were is perfectly fine as far as I'm concerned. Better he know what you're feeling, than you do the silent treatment and he get totally fed up.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline 9393rooTopic starterTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 454
  • Gender: Female
Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #26 on: May 16, 2019, 07:33:28 PM »
Just wanted to pop in here for a few minutes with a marriage counseling update.  Gulp.

Let me preface this this with a couple of things.  Tuesday evening I got an email from the counselor stating that she received my pre counseling paperwork but nothing from my H.  She told us we could not have the session without this paperwork.  I told my H what she said and he went grumbling off to the computer.  I went to bed.  When he got in bed later he said "well that was fun. nothing like telling my life story to a complete stranger" No word from me.  Wednesday morning H tells me he has a meeting right before counseling he may be late.  I gave him the address again and said I would meet him there.  I fully expected him at this point to bail.  Lo and behold he was in the waiting room when I got there.  He even said "I bet you thought I would be late!"

We started with the counselor and she told us her approach.  She told us this was not going to be fun and she was going to be blunt.  She said at the end we could both decide if we wanted to come back or not.  All I can say is wow, just wow. I really, really liked this woman.  She asked my h some very difficult questions and did not put up with any deflecting answers.  When he talked about his own therapy and what he has learned about himself she then turned it back to him to see what he has learned about how to be in a committed relationship.  She was blunt with both me and H asking why we didn't come in earlier and why we waited 3 years.  I told her neither of us were ready and we both had some growing up and changing to do to do. 

She was calm,she was direct and she may be just what we need.  She told us at the end that it would be up to each of us individually to come back and we should think about it.  She also said in order for us to move  forward we have to start from the beginning and it was going to be tough and she would not sugarcoat it.  She told my H he has to come clean and be able to answer any questions I have without any lies.  Because if he lied to me she knew I had come to a place I was ready to leave. He was stunned. 

When we left my H said to me.  "I want to go back because I want you and me back again.  I just want you to know that this going to be hard for me, very hard because I am a really terrible person" I told him he wasn't a terrible person but we have to address what brought us here and I thought she could help us.  I also told him I do not need details of his affair, I was over that and it would not do either of us any good to relive that. He then said something that just about floored me. he said. "I feel so bad that I put you through this, I don't think I would have stayed with you if you did this to me, I'm really sorry" He cracked the seal on his tightly closed empathy box!   

I have no idea where this is going to go, but I'm letting go and letting God.  It feels right and we will just see where it goes. I have my expectations in check and I'm still moving forward with my life.  This could be very interesting. 
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 608
  • Gender: Male
Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #27 on: May 16, 2019, 09:20:17 PM »
Thanks for the update Roo. It sounds like MC went about as well as could be hoped for.

Empathy? Whoa! That sounds like a big step in the right direction.

You sound good Roo. You got this.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2366
  • Gender: Male
Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #28 on: May 17, 2019, 02:23:36 AM »
Good update Roo. I hope he keeps it up. Sounding good so far.
Have a good one Roo

Online Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 8927
  • Gender: Female
Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #29 on: May 17, 2019, 02:29:54 AM »
The MC sounds good...calm and direct sounds just the ticket.
And you sound good too Roo...perhaps bc as the MC says you have reached a point where you will leave if you must and are focusing on your own life regardless. Your h is playing catch up really isn't he? As you say, it will be interesting to see how he goes and thank you for sharing what you are learning.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.