Author Topic: My Story My New Normal 3.0  (Read 2962 times)

Offline Acorn

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My Story Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #30 on: May 17, 2019, 06:03:34 AM »
I like that your therapist is a tough cookie.
Is she familiar with MLC?
Seeing that MLC is not a marriage problem, some understanding of MLC would greatly help.
It’s not as if one can see problem A in marriage and fix it with solution B when MLC is involved.

I’d say attempting to fix the broken bits of a marriage would be possible if MLCer has progressed to a stage where they have more or less sorted through their internal struggle and have the emotional capacity to deal with all the fallouts, including M.

You have recently shared several anecdotes where he behaved in a most self focussed and immature manner. That’s why I have written the above. 

Sorry if I have poured some cold water over the situation...  I would hate to see you disappointed yet again. 
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #31 on: May 17, 2019, 06:11:53 AM »
Roo,

The MC experience sounds positive and that is great....

BUT (you KNEW there was going to be a BIG ol "BUT" hanging out there, didn't you?) expectations Level ZERO, consistent actions.... H has the verbage, he can talk the talk... The real question is whether or not he can walk the walk... I would REALLY hope that he can... Time will tell....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline 9393rooTopic starterTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #32 on: May 17, 2019, 04:52:04 PM »
Thank you Ursa and Acorn,

I do know that I’m going into this with my eyes wide open.  The good news is that the IC that my H has been working with for over 8 months now recommended this MC.  They have reciprocity for info and my H very willingly signed a release of info so they could share.

I have left our visits entirely up to him.  I never wanted to go in the first place.  I really do have no expectations.  We made appointments for 3 more visits while we were there.  Last night H told me he might have some conflicts.  I told him to call and cancel or call and change if he wants to go.  I’m leaving this in his hands. 

I thank you friends for looking out for me on here.  I really do appreciate all of your comments and care.  I really feel like I’m not losing anything by going.  My H isn’t running away from me right now but I know he still is in the tunnel.  We were just in the car together for an 8 hour drive to see his parents for the weekend.  It was nice, and I will take nice right now!  Have a great weekend everyone.
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Milly

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #33 on: May 18, 2019, 04:07:36 PM »
Roo, enjoy your 'nice.' You deserve it.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #34 on: May 19, 2019, 08:25:02 AM »

 It was nice, and I will take nice right now! 

Yay! And you deserve it my friend.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #35 on: May 20, 2019, 03:00:01 AM »
I'll take nice over a fork in the nose any day!
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline 9393rooTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #36 on: May 21, 2019, 06:09:06 AM »
Thought I would drop in here with some more information on this topsy turvy journey that we are all on. 

The 8 hour ride home was an eye opener and has begun to shed more light on my H and what he has been through and what he continues to go through.  6 of the 8 hours were spent with me biting my tongue, zipping my lip and just listening.  I have more things to sort through and understand.   

We spent the weekend with my H's parents at their farm in a quiet little town where H grew up.  My H's parents are in their 80's and farm life is becoming almost impossible for them.  This trip was an eye opener to that fact.  My H's sister was there too and we started talking about what can be done about them moving.  My H did not want to participate in the conversation.  When we left their house Sunday morning the first words out of my H's mouth were, "I did not like that trip at all"  when I asked him why. he replied " I don't like to see my parents get older, I want to keep the farm in the family, and every time I look at my Dad its like I'm looking in a mirror."  So much all at once.

As the car ride progressed my H started to turn to our R.  I tried to stay quiet when I could but sometimes I just had to talk.  It was pretty amazing.  He talked all about the last 3 years and what he went through and what he is still going through.  But he did not talk to me like his wife, he talked to me like his therapist.  No empathy for me or others, no remorse for what all has happened, just honestly lots of confusion.  It was at this point I had an Oprah Ah ha moment.  I think my H see me as part of him. (Very co-dependent) and if he doesn't see me as a separate person he has not hurt me.  For me to look at this from this perspective has been eye opening. 

Back to the last 3 years.  I just wanted to share his story in a small way to see what his thinking (or better lack of thinking was.)  He said that he has worked with his therapist and one of the things he has worked on was his lack of attention he felt he went through in childhood and adolescence.  Mainly lack of attention from girls about his physical appearance.   Almost 4 years ago he started to build an new section of our company. This new section hired many people but mostly women.  Many women started to pay attention to my H because he was the president of the company.  My H liked this attention and decided he was going to get into the best shape of his life, he started coloring his hair, working out incessantly and doing all that he could to look good for his admirers.  He explained to me that this attention fed his ego and it started to build.  He stopped thinking about me and our family or anyone else for that matter.  It was all about him.  This is where OW came on the scene.  She lived in another town and he pretty much started to "date" her.  He felt young, he felt free and he knew he could always come home to me.  I would be there to give him comfort.  It wasn't until I started to push back, that he started to realize it was all wrong, and it became uncomfortable for him.  I asked him if he was ever thinking of leaving me and he said no.  He didn't want to leave me, OW wanted his attention but she was not asking him to leave me either.  They were both just in it for fun.  There was no concept of hurting anyone else. 
he told me that I was an annoyance to him.  I was looking at all his emails, trying to make sense of it all and he was so bothered by me.  I was going to ruin his fun.  I was pretty much his mother while I was doing this.  He even used the word cake eating to describe his situation.  I told him this over a year ago and it stuck with him!

This is where it gets interesting.  It wasn't until last July when I dropped the rope, made him move out of our room and get therapy or leave that he started to realize it was all wrong.  When I let go and stopped caring for him he panicked. My boundaries freaked him out.  My traveling started to show him that I would be ok without him.  He said for a little while he felt that he could breathe but then he started to realize I could go away for good.  He knew he had to stop with all the women.  He confessed that he was like a single man trying to flirt with all women.  He thought everyone was looking at him.  A big old massive ego.  He says this has calmed down but he still is working on it and his internal validation. 

So, here is where we are.  He still has so much work to do on himself.  I talked to him about his loss of empathy and his lack of remorse and he agreed.  I also told him many stories of the times I saw his overwhelming empathy and love he has shown to me and the family.  He started to cry.  He said he always feels like such a bad person.  He says he doesn't know how to tell everyone he is sorry. I asked him if maybe we had become so co dependent that he doesn't see me a separate person? He said yes.   

His lack of empathy is overwhelming.  It's almost like he knows what he has to do and show but it's too hard for him to face.  I told him marriage counseling may not be the best thing for us right now until he works on himself first.  He wants to keep going.  I think he wants someone to show him the way back because he doesn't know how to find it himself.  He said he is working with his counselor weekly now.  He asked me to be patient and not leave.  I told him I had no plans to leave, but I was working on my own life too. 

So here we are.  I know without a doubt this whole MLC has NOTHING to do with me or our marriage. It really is all about them. My H is trying to find his way out,I really believe he is.  I am trying to find my way forward, I really am.  We keep going on together. 

Last night I got an email from a group I went to Cuba with.  We are planning on all going to a small town in Portugal in 2020 to do another English teaching stint.  There is a world out there waiting for me.  I'm going to keep seeing it. 
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #37 on: May 21, 2019, 06:26:51 AM »
Interesting insight into the fog...

IF one assumes that his Therapist is able to get him to differentiate his self from you and IF that results in his empathy returning and IF he gets a rein on his ego and learns to be self-reliant as opposed to arrogant, he stands a chance of rejoining the human race....

Meanwhile, like you said, there is a world out there to enjoy....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline 9393rooTopic starterTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #38 on: May 21, 2019, 06:31:43 AM »
Yep, all big “if’s” that I have no control over..... :)
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #39 on: May 21, 2019, 06:37:41 AM »
Yep, all big “if’s” that I have no control over..... :)

Exactly....

That is why, when I am asked "Are you a Stander?" my answer is "No, I am an "If'er" because it's HER journey, not mine."

I said the same to RCR once upon a time...

IF she does the work she needs to do and IF it results in someone I am interested in and IF I am still single and IF I am someone she is interested in (because I am NOT sitting in a stasis box, my growth may not be something she is interested in) and IF SHE is still single, then MAYBE there MIGHT be a chance of forming a new R but the majority of it is really out of my hands... And, like you, I am NOT willing to waste my life sitting and waiting on possible "If's"
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

 

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