Author Topic: My Story My New Normal 3.0  (Read 2988 times)

Offline Acorn

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My Story Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #40 on: May 21, 2019, 06:50:13 AM »
Quote
.So here we are.  I know without a doubt this whole MLC has NOTHING to do with me or our marriage. It really is all about them.   

Yes, I agree, MLC is really all about the MLCer as far as the causes and the content of their emotional struggles are concerned.

Taking the concept of ‘all about the MLCer’ a little further, while they are in MLC, everything they say and do are all about them, too.  Utterly selfish. No room for others.  From what I have observerded and heard from H, what seemed like kindness and empathy for others was really all about him.  It made HIM feel better about himself and less guilty.  He also saw himself in other’s suffering and he felt sorry for himself, not really for the other person.  He told me so...

Selfishness is the most prominent feature of the beast, I’d say.

I could just about guess where my H was in the MLC tunnel by the degree of selfishness. 
It is the MLC thermometer of sorts.

There is only one thing you CAN do.  Just listen, and listen well with the zip firmly in place. 
You are doing very well, Roo.  Proud of ya!
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Online Treasur

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #41 on: May 21, 2019, 06:54:56 AM »
Thank you for sharing, Roo. I think it is always helpful to get such a clear reminder that none of this - crisis, how they treat us, progress they make or damage they do - was about us. It may be partially about what we represent to them or what they project, but still not about US as people or spouses. It is so counter-intuitive to a normal adult after a long m and some of their behaviour that every practical reminder helps

Your 'I have no plans to leave right now but I am focusing on my own life' stance sounds just the ticket for you. Time and effort will show how your h progresses....
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #42 on: May 21, 2019, 07:21:37 AM »
Thanks for sharing Roo. You're doing great.

That conversation sounds a lot to process. I'm glad your H is demonstrating at least a degree of self-awareness. Maybe someday he'll decide to come out of his rabbit hole for good.

But I'm really happy you're finding your way forward and exploring the great big world out there.

To life!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline 9393rooTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #43 on: May 30, 2019, 05:50:53 AM »
Marriage counseling update round 2.

Yesterday was round 2 of marriage counseling.  It was a rough one once again.  Again, I gave my H the option to cancel at anytime and made it his decision to keep going.  He told me his therapist thought it was a good idea and he wanted to stay with it.  My H spent the last week in roller coaster mode.  Up, down, up, down.  sometimes almost hourly.  Much like the Jekyll and Hyde thing.  I tried to stay off and away as much as possible.  My D was home for the weekend and my S26 came over on Sunday for lunch.  My H pretty much ignored both of them and they noticed.  One minute he would be on the computer the next outside digging holes for some new trees.  Busy, busy, busy.  I ignored as best I could. 

Our marriage counselor is blunt and does not back down.  I let my H do most of the talking and she could see right through him.  He tried many times to deflect and rationalize and she called him on it.  He left there angry and upset.  I told him I would not be talking about our R outside of counseling, but he tried.  He seemed so confused.  I think for so long my H has told himself a story about what happened.  He made everything not so bad in his mind.  He took me out of the equation completely.  He told the counselor he loved me completely and never wanted to end our marriage.  I tried to stay quiet and most of the time I did.  I did explain how I was the fixer all the time and I believed this had nothing to do with me. 

We have a weekend trip planned just the two of us beginning tomorrow.  When we left counseling H told me he didn't think we should go.  I told him everything we non refundable and one of us should go at least.  I asked him if he would like to go by himself and he said no.  I told him I am going then and he could make the decision weather or not he goes with me.  (At this point I started to imagine this trip on my own and it was sounding pretty glorious.  A book, a pool and relaxation.)  He went quiet.  He came home from work early and planted some tree with no word to me.  When he was done he was sitting on the back porch alone.  I brought him out a beer and asked if I could sit with him.  He said yes.  He then said. "Do you think I have been a bad father?" I said absolutely no.  I said "our children were raised with love and laughter in our home and it was because of both of us.   They all love you so much I wish you could see it.  They all worry about you and they worry about us. "  He then said, "I don't understand what happened to me, my life seemed to fall apart"  We sat quietly for a little while then I said, "I want you to know that I have loved you for 34 years and I continue to love you, we have hit a really rough patch that we need to get through"  I told him we could quit marriage counseling if he wanted to. He told me he needs to keep going because he wants to be a better person and he needs to figure out how.  He told me he wants to go with me this weekend and we made a pact about no R talks. 

This morning I have a very freeing feeling.  I let go one more level.  I am calm and ok whatever might come my way.  I am heading into court this morning to help the foster kids that I am advocating for.   I am calm and relaxed and I feel that I have done all that I can to help them.  Now it is up to other people.  Quiet seems to be my mantra today.  I'm letting the world unfold and controlling only myself.  I think I may have found some peace for a little while.  I will take it.   
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #44 on: May 30, 2019, 10:26:01 AM »
You sound like you're doing well, Roo. MC is tough. It sounds like it has gone better for you than it did for me. And your counselor sounds really good. I'm glad you were able to wait as long as you did to start MC, but I hope it helps your H to eventually face reality and face up to the damage he has caused.

Quote
I think for so long my H has told himself a story about what happened. He made everything not so bad in his mind.
Minimization is my W's favorite trick. Followed by projecting her negative emotions on me.

You are smart to give him the option to cancel anytime and to not talk about your relationship outside of counseling. These MLCers seem to only be able to handle reality a little at a time. Slow and steady Roo - you're doing great!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #45 on: May 30, 2019, 11:23:31 AM »
Roo, if he goes you can still enjoy a book and relax.
MC sounds like it's helping. Just keep letting him lead the way in MC. If he wants to stop??? That's on him.
I hope he keeps trying to climb out of his hole.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #46 on: May 30, 2019, 11:48:04 AM »

"Do you think I have been a bad father?" I said absolutely no. 

 He then said, "I don't understand what happened to me, my life seemed to fall apart" 


Seems like he takes a little time to fully digest the MC sessions. I am the same way. B/c during he is probably uber defensive, etc. Then, after reflecting, he gets down to the business of healing/thinking/learning.  I would say it is a very positive sign.  Also positive is how you managed to spin thinking your weekend will be wonderful whether H is there or not.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #47 on: May 30, 2019, 01:30:54 PM »
I know it is painful but you both sound like you are on the right track that will move you forward and make this a little less painful.

Offline Maleficent

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #48 on: May 30, 2019, 06:09:02 PM »
Roo, thinking of you. I am sorry it was a tough week on the rollercoaster- seeing the real H one day only to have him retreat again. Yet the aftermath of the MC session seems like progress - at least from my faraway vantage.  You do seem to have found some peace- I like your idea of simply letting the world unfold. I hope all went well in court with the foster kids. May the weekend unfold in a quiet calm way as well.
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline 9393rooTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #49 on: June 06, 2019, 08:57:26 AM »
MC round three update.

Just a quick update in my world.  My H and I ended up going on on weekend together and all was actually good until the last night when we both had too much to drink.  I saw him over in a corner texting and I had a MAJOR trigger, I went into “you are not going to do this to me again mode” and pretty much lost it.  He was angry, I was angry it was a bad situation.  The next morning when the fog had cleared a bit he came and talked to me.  He handed me his phone and said “I want you to have my password and I want you to look through my phone whenever you want.  I’m done hiding anything from you but I work much better when I’m not being attacked”. I agreed.  We both agreed alcohol played its part in the situation and we made a pact to stop drinking for 2 weeks to see if helps.  I’m 5 days in and didn’t realize how much I was drinking.  I have gotten pretty good at making my LBS margaritas and relying on them just about every evening. 

Marriage counseling was much different this time around.  When we left my H said “I know she talked to my therapist because this really helped me”. She started us looking at attachment styles and our childhoods and how we relate to everyone and each other.  It was really fascinating.  I learned much about my H and he learned about me.  There was no blaming, pointing, jabbing.  It was learning and we both got much out of it.  It’s like we are both going back to the beginning and reconfiguring things.  I think we both are ready for this now and it seems to be working.  We have continued to agree to no R talks outside of counseling. 

My H left for a 2 day work trip to the town where OW lives.  He called me the first night from his room and asked if I was Ok.  I was confused and said “yes, why? “. He said “I know you have had a hard time when I have traveled here before and I want to make sure you don’t feel like anything is happening because it’s not”. I almost hit the floor.  I said “Thank you, that’s very sweet of you”.  When he came home the next day he gave me a huge hug and said “I want you to know that the reason I’m not intimate with you is not because I don’t want to be, I’m just not ready” I told him I wasn’t ready either. 

I continue to be cautiously optimistic about these changes. Things are calm and he is doing lots of thinking.  I know many on here do not believe marriage counseling helps at this point, but I have to say for us it is.  We have a kicka$$ counselor who is working alongside my H’s counselor and it seems to be working.  I’m continuing to move forward in my own journey as well.  Our D comes home for the summer next week and I am looking forward to spending some quality time with her. 

Slow and steady we go forward. 
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

 

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