Author Topic: My Story My New Normal 3.0  (Read 2828 times)

Online KeepItTogether

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My Story Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #50 on: June 06, 2019, 10:00:25 AM »
He said “I know you have had a hard time when I have traveled here before and I want to make sure you don’t feel like anything is happening because it’s not”. I almost hit the floor.  I said “Thank you, that’s very sweet of you”.  When he came home the next day he gave me a huge hug and said “I want you to know that the reason I’m not intimate with you is not because I don’t want to be, I’m just not ready” I told him I wasn’t ready either. 



This is HUGE. And so thoughtful, kind and considerate of your feelings. Dare I say....compassion?  So not very MLCish.  I'm happy you went on the weekender. I had to laugh at your LBS margaritas. I too have relied upon my Chard, Champs, Rose...to get through the tough times. It's easy to fall into. I still have my drinks, just not nearly as much. The answer was never at the bottom of a bottle for me, just made a bad situation about 10 times worse. But this is how we learn. We make mistakes, and learn and grow from it.  And please do not be too hard on yourself b/c after all, he did realize the phone is a trigger for you and he resolved that situation without you telling him what to do. Another major step I would say.

Slow and steady wins the race.  ;)
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Milly

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #51 on: June 06, 2019, 11:26:59 AM »
Roo, things are sounding very positive. Your H's concern and thoughtfulness are big actions in the right direction. I bet it feels good, also, to have had a blow up and get through it to the other side without destroying it all.

I don't think MC is unadvised at the stage you are at. Quite the contrary. You are both wanting the therapy, and being honest whilst there. I think it's a good thing at your point. I hope your H keeps moving forward and that you get to have some good times now.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline 9393rooTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #52 on: June 18, 2019, 09:28:43 AM »
Marriage counseling Round 4 (final round for now)

Marriage counseling did not go so well yesterday.  I should say that it didn’t so so well for my H, it was eye opening for me.  After the last few times learning about our relationship styles we started to address some of the issues that brought us to that place.  Mostly OW. Before we went to counseling I found out my H sent the OW and email asking her to do some work for him and telling her what a valuable employee she is.  This was forwarded to me in chain with something else from another employee.  My boundary is this OW.  Last year he set up a line of people so they would not have direct contact.  I also found out recently that last spring he set up a block on his phone because she was trying to contact him.   I have told him that contact with her directly would have me stop all counseling, as it felt that he had not closed the door on her completely. We talked about it there and he didn’t seem to understand the depth of what that email did to me.  It is very clear that my H has not faced this issue yet.  He wants to sweep it all under the rug.  I’m done sweeping.  I’m done being angry, I’m done being upset, I’m done trying to fix. 

Today I emailed our counselor and told her that I’m suspending counseling for now and will wait until I feel My H is ready.  She knows the backstory and she has been in touch with his counselor.  I’m not upset that we tried marriage counseling, in fact I’m really happy that when/if he is ready we have someone who I really like in place.  I felt comfortable and listened to. 

This morning I’m back to detachment.  My H is struggling with lots of depression and anxiety.  My heart breaks for him it really does, but I can’t fix him.  I continue to move forward and have many many things to look forward to in the next month with 2 family reunions.  All of my babies (they will always be babies to me) are going to be together in one spot for a week and we will celebrate our family.  I am blessed and I am calm.  I feel that I may have reached acceptance. 

This forum has helped me so tremendously, I can’t say it enough.  I have taken much advice and applied it and had success and failures.  I’ve learned, lived and have grown.  With that I have decided to take a little time off of here to focus on me.  I will be back to update in the future, but I need a break from all MLC.  Thank you all for your comments and thoughts.  I’ve taken them all to heart.  I will be back with an update.  Wishing you all peace and joy as you find your way on your own journey. 
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #53 on: June 19, 2019, 08:25:08 AM »
Your story is so familiar to me Roo. I also had 4 MC sessions. Sorry your H doesn't seem to get it. My W is the same way. My heart breaks for her, it really does. It's so hard being so powerless to help.

Enjoy your break!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline 9393rooTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #54 on: July 22, 2019, 09:37:31 AM »
After a month off of here I thought I would drop by with an update.  Basically my H and I are still together, still working on things and going SLOWLY forward. Here are some updates.

Me: last month when I left this site I think I hit rock bottom.  I had found an email from my H to the OW mostly about work but an added paragraph on how great she was for the company and how much he appreciated her.  I lost it and became so incredibly angry.  I was angry at him for not seeing how much this hurt me, I was angry at myself for having expectations and starting to open myself back up to him and I was angry at God for allowing this MLC to continue.  I became the victim once again.  A role I had worked so hard in the last year to get rid of.  I called the marriage counselor and told her I was done, I told my H I was done, I really thought I was done.  Our counselor asked me to give it a few days and then come back in to meet with her on my own before I gave up joint counseling.  I agreed.  I went dark with my H and I sat with my anger.  It was not good.  I became this really terrible version of myself that I thought that I had shed.  I met with the counselor on my own and talked though what I had been through and how I had handled it.  She was kind and caring and started to talk about me, how I was raised and what I brought to the marriage before the big BD.  She opened my eyes to many things that I had never really addressed with myself.  The fact I had and continue to have abandonment issues related to my own childhood.  The fact that I am a very reactionary person.  I have been able to go from 0-10 very quickly. All of these things that I have had in a very small form were amplified by 1000 with my H’s MLC.  I started to realize how much all of his actions I took personally.  In my head I kept asking myself, why would he do this to me, to us and to our family? I completely lost sight once again that his issues really had nothing to do with me, us or our family.  I know I’ve heard on here many times how much you need to let go and let your MLC spouse work on themselves, I just wasn’t doing it fully.  I was getting in the way of him addressing his issues because I wanted him to address what he had done.  I was a roadblock.  I was asking him to take responsibility for himself yet I was not doing the same.  It was eye opening. 

After talking to the counselor I decided to return to joint counseling with my H. In my own session the counselor told me that she has noticed that my H will shut down when I start to get upset.  She thinks he compartmentalized so much of what has happened and stuffed it all down that he is scared to bring it all out.  She said she was going to slow things down and have us work on communication before we address any of the bigger issues.  We have been a few more times since then and we have really made some big changes on how we are communicating.  We have a new calmness between us that I had to take the lead on.  I feel a little like I’m having my own awakening as I continue to work on myself.  More layers of forgiveness continue to be shed. 

Since I started to work on myself my H has made great strides forward.  We have had 2 really great family reunions where there was lots of laughter and bonding as a family.  If I had to describe my H in one word right now it would be scared.  I think his box of compartmentalization is opening and he is starting to see the damage that was left in this path of destruction.  It must be a hard thing to do.  He asks me often if I am ok and he tells me often that he loves me.  Often I feel like he is about 2 steps behind me in figuring things out.  My birthday was the end of June during one of our reunions.  My kids made a really big deal about it and he just said happy birthday and gave me a kiss.  I was actually fine as I wasn’t even expecting that after 3 years of no real acknowledgement of the occasion.  The next day we were in the car together he silently slipped a card out of his pocket and said. “I should have given this to you yesterday but here it is today”.  He wrote me some really nice words about how much I mean to him and told me he made some train reservations to take me to a really nice resort.  I was pretty floored.  Before BD he never made any travel plans with me, I was always the one making the arrangements. 

When I look back at this time last year I realize just how much I’ve changed, my H has changed and our marriage has changed.  I am continuing my own things and have several trips with my Sisters, my H and one by myself that I am really looking forward to.  I discovering many things about myself that I thought I had lost with this crisis.  My H is waking up slowly and dealing with things at his own pace.  We are calm and it’s working for both of us. 

I hope each of you are able to find peace and a greater understanding of yourself through this mess, after all you are the only thing you can control.  It’s taken me three years to truly understand this.
Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Maleficent

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #55 on: July 26, 2019, 03:18:09 AM »
Hello roo,
Following along. I appreciate your level of calmness and peace and growth.  It all sounds good. Thank you for posting and sharing. May the steady progress and awakenings continue.
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #56 on: July 26, 2019, 07:12:13 AM »
Thanks for sharing Roo.

Quote
When I look back at this time last year I realize just how much I’ve changed, my H has changed and our marriage has changed.  I am continuing my own things and have several trips with my Sisters, my H and one by myself that I am really looking forward to.  I discovering many things about myself that I thought I had lost with this crisis.  My H is waking up slowly and dealing with things at his own pace.  We are calm and it’s working for both of us. 
Wonderful to hear.

Quote
I hope each of you are able to find peace and a greater understanding of yourself through this mess, after all you are the only thing you can control.  It’s taken me three years to truly understand this.
This is a hard lesson to learn. I'm a slow learner myself. It's hard to not try to fix things when someone we love is suffering and messing up.

You sound good, Roo. You've learned your lessons and I know you'll be a better person for it.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Online Helpingme!

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #57 on: July 30, 2019, 02:44:12 PM »
So glad to hear you are good Roo. 
The it's not about us!!!!! Well that's a hard one to get by isn't it.
You sound like your doing the right thing. Working on you. YEP, let him follow your lead.  I understand what MC saud about your H locking up, I've said it before they can see if we are good or not. If they sense we are hurting??? Well they just can't handle that, hell thwy can barely handle anything.

I don't think they will open up to us until thwy feel we are fine. JMO. 
Roo, keep going as you are. If you have a bad day, just go do something. Don't let him see it. I do it regularly.  I think our time is as important or even more as their time. We need it too.
Looking forward to more updates.

Offline 9393rooTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #58 on: August 28, 2019, 10:35:39 AM »
Thought I would update this am.  Reconnecting has taken a divebomb south as my H has now done a belly flop back into replay.

We have had a really good, calm summer for that I am grateful.  My D 19 was home and my H did some really good bonding with her.  We were moving along in marriage counseling and my H even proclaimed about a month ago that he was back and he felt like he was growing up.  (His exact words)
He told me how foolish he was and how he wanted to repair things.  We have had a lot of laughs and fun. 

I noticed the change about 2 weeks ago when he started to drink again every night.  Not just 1 or 2 drinks, a lot.  He stopped calling when he traveled and I saw receipts for bars late at night in the other town.  Last week I saw an Uber receipt for 1 am.  I really just kind of lost it on him.  I told him I don’t trust him and I told him that he either commits to our marriage or not. 

This morning I actually am feeling ok however this thing turns out.  I’ve reissued my boundaries and I told him I’m pretty much done.  I really thinkI am.  We are 3.5 years into this mess and I’m back to detachment.  He has so much work to do on himself, yet he continues to hide in alcohol and needing attention from people. 

He is cycling back and I am out for now.  MLC sucks and continues to suck.  I will not let it suck the life out of me today.  I’m holding my head up high and moving forward on my own path.  I don’t care if he follows along anymore or not, I’m not even going to look back to see if he is. 

Sorry for the rant.  I am letting go.  Really letting go.  He can go blow in the wind, or tornado in his case. 

Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Treasur

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #59 on: August 28, 2019, 10:42:00 AM »
No need to apologise. Besides you do very polite rants lol....no potty mouth at all  ;)

I'm sure others with live ins saw/see the same cycles...seems to be how it rolls...but yup, drawbridge back up and silver foil hat back on. Only sane sensible thing to do.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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