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Author Topic: My Story My New Normal 3.0

K
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My Story Re: My New Normal 3.0
#60: August 28, 2019, 12:29:30 PM
Roo I think you are simply amazing handling this so well. I find that I am at my lowest and worst after more contact with Alien-H. The more he stays away, the better for me. So having a live in would be so hard.

No divebomb in the re connection. Just another cycle I am sure.

I did have to laugh when you H said he thought he was growing up. LOL. I wonder if they will ever fully grasp the full meaning of such comments, true though they may be.
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Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

A
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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#61: August 28, 2019, 03:05:33 PM
Hi Roo, I’m sorry to read that your H has been taking some backward steps.  I’d like to suggest that you see the big picture, not some snapshots of the moment.  It’s the overall forward movement that matters...  How would you compare him to a year ago?  Is he more self aware?  Is he less egocentric?  Is he more mature?  Has he faced some of his issues?

I tend to think his drinking and not calling you while travelling do not have much, if any, to do with you or your R.   You are perhaps taking his bad choices personally, seeing your reaction.  His behaviour is most likely to be an indicator of where he is at in MLC, not your R.   He does alright under your ‘supervision’, ie. he behaves in your company.  But when he is without his ‘mommy’, he imbibes at will because he can get away with it without getting told off.   That shows that he still needs to grow up a bit (a lot?) more so that he may be able to hold himself responsible for his actions and have the strength to control himself. 

For what it’s worth, it is my view that MLCer cannot really work on M until he is healed enough and has a good measure of self awareness AND take consistent action over a long period of time to fix whatever he needs to fix in himself.   A broken person cannot fix his broken relationships, in my opinion...   At the moment, you are wishing to see healing in your R with him and I can fully understand that.  However, his MLC behaviours (e.g. drinking), though it affects and frustrates you, it’s not about you or R.  Your state of being is ‘controlled’ by his actions and attitudes and that calls for your detachment from HIS personal crisis. 

Staying detached, ‘letting him go, he can go blow in the wind’ until further notice is a sound policy, IMHO.  I think attaching emotionally in a healthy way without becoming codependent comes naturally as you both heal.  I worried about it but to naught! 
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Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#62: August 28, 2019, 03:55:38 PM
Thank you Acorn, KIT and Treasur 

Acorn, I know everything you are saying is true. 

I believe marriage counseling is giving me expectations.  I am going to talk to the counselor about possibly putting them on hold.  My H is adamant about going but all it is really doing is making me be his "mommy" with guidelines.  You are completely correct in stating that he was blowing off steam to get away from me.

I am most of all mad at myself for letting this co-dependency creep back in.  I am stronger than that.  It just kindof happened over time. 

In the big picture he is much better than last year at this time.  More importantly his relationship with our D has grown substantially. 

I've got lots on my plate right now to take the focus off of our marriage and off of him.  I'm really trying but he is a live in clinger and it's been difficult. 

Thanks for having my back.  And KIT, you are an incredibly strong person for dealing with your H in the manner that you do.  Don't sell yourself short in the strength department. 

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Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

M
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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#63: August 28, 2019, 04:15:49 PM
Hi Roo, Following along.  I am glad that when you look at the big picture you can see that he is making some forward movement.  It has just been such a long haul, that I can understand how frustrating the backward steps must feel. And, how you want to hope, but...
I hope everything else is going okay. Take care and hugs. 
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BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#64: August 28, 2019, 05:11:55 PM
Thanks for checking back in Roo. Sorry your H has taken some steps back. I like what Acorn said. And hopefully the big picture trends in the right direction.

Quote
I told him that he either commits to our marriage or not.
A word of warning here. I told my W the same thing. She decided to not. In my case I knew she had already made up her mind and I'm glad it helped me to at least start to move forward in a new direction for myself. But just be extra super careful with ultimatums unless you're prepared for him to say no. I don't know what your H would do, but my W has always chosen to do whatever was easiest for her.

I don't know about living with a clinger, but living with a wallower was SO hard. I didn't know how hard it was until she left and felt so much better. Looking back now, my biggest regret is that I spent too much time working on the marriage, trying to fix things. I thought I was detached better than I was. But you seem to have a better handle on things.
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"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019
Divorce final - September 2019
Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#65: August 29, 2019, 09:06:59 AM
Thanks Mal and PJ. 

The light of a new day has brought new perspective as it seems to be doing a lot lately. 

I had a semi-coherent? Relationship talk with my H last night. We talked about marriage counseling and about his drinking and about disappearing when he travels.  He told me the company is not doing well, he’s worried about holding it all together and he just wanted to bring fun back into the company by taking people out for drinks.  Pretty much he wanted to make everything that is falling apart better by covering it up in a party.  I tried not to talk too much because I was trying to understand where he is coming from.  He told me he doesn’t think he has a drinking problem and that he was sorry he didn't contact me while he was traveling.  He said sometimes everything is just too much and he can’t remember he is supposed to do to help fix us. 

I asked him why he wanted to be in marriage counseling.  He said that he doesn’t want our marriage to end and he felt that counseling may give him a guidebook for how to fix it.  I realized at that moment that since I quit trying to fix everything he wants someone to tell him what to do.  He doesn’t want to look at himself, I don’t think he is ready to look at himself and was trying to go off of a script.  He was starting to resent me and the therapist because we were both becoming his mom.  He hasn’t grown up enough to gain the empathy and insight to fix things on his own.  Marriage counseling is pretty much doing more damage than good right now.  I know many people warned about this on here, but as with everything I take from here I try things until they don’t work.  I told my H last night that I want our marriage too but I felt that marriage counseling right now isn’t going to work.  It feels forced and fake.  He agreed.  He told me he was scared about us quitting.  I think he is worried about himself more than anything. 

This morning I feel better than I have in a few weeks.  I think I too was looking for a quick fix and that’s not going to happen.  A couple of things that counseling did do for us was to improve our communication.  We both have taken some skills we have learned from our sessions and have applied them.  I also think it helped me come to acceptance of our situation, which has brought a great deal of peace.  I do feel empathy for my H again as I can see he is in a great deal of pain.  Some days it takes everything I have not to try to step in and fix things. 

A bit of an update on myself.  The kids that I have been working with for almost 3 years now were moved this summer to a relatives house 4 states away.  They are living together for the first time in 3 years.  This is what I have been advocating for for the last 3 years in court.  I flew out to see them and drove 150 miles to get to their home.  I had to see for myself that they were ok.  They are better than ok, they are thriving in a really good situation.  My heart was full.  I spent 4 days on my own and realized that I am thriving too.  I’m going to be ok.

A bit of a funny story.  I stock my coffee shop up weekly at a restaurant supply store.  I have gotten to know the young guys that work the register pretty well.  I always decline help in loading my car as I think of it as getting more exercise.  I was there the other morning and had a huge cart full of stuff.  The store was having an audit and they had higher ups there.  As I checked out and headed out the door one of the managers said to the kid “you really should help that little lady out to her car”. The kid replied “ Oh don’t let her size fool you, she is one of the littlest bad a$$’s I know!”  He covered his mouth and said “I’m sorry ma’am I didn’t mean to say it that way!”  I laughed and said that it was one of the best compliments I’ve received in a long time”. Later at dinner I told my H and my D the story.  My D just laughed and said “ They’ve never seen you at the gym!”  (We have an ongoing joke about this). My H just shook his head and said “you are a bad a$$” and smiled. 

So I’m adding bad a$$ to my ongoing resume.  Life is moving forward and I don’t need to fix everything to make it move forward.  It’s all a learning process that is going to take time. 

Have a good day everyone, I hope you all find peace somewhere in your life. 
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Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

K
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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#66: August 29, 2019, 10:00:12 AM
OMG that made me smile ROO! Yes, a total bada$$, among many other wonderful qualities.

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Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

M
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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#67: August 29, 2019, 11:49:06 PM
That made me smile, too, Roo! Bad ass is a wonderful compliment!

Lovely to hear about the kids you were looking out for and how well they are now doing. Incredible journey to get there.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#68: August 30, 2019, 12:15:13 AM
Sounds as if your h is generally in a bit of a pickle...business, marriage, himself...and simply doesn't know what to do to fix it all. So he cycles between throwing metaphorical spaghetti at the wall and hunting for someone to give him a magic 'do this' list. His own version of trial and error. As if he knows some of what he wants but doesn't know how to get there from here.

Tbh most of us here probably know what that feels like.
You probably do too, roo. And you know how much grit and back and forwards effort it takes from your own experience.

It would be so much easier to see the wood for the trees if they didn't do the ow thing wouldn't it? Or blame monster at us? Bc those things trick us into believing it is a marriage problem - and tbh create a marriage problem on top of everything else - but your convo with your h shows so clearly that it isn't. That it is a depressed man with a His Life problem. Just another reason I suppose why MC is futile at best. I hope the convo helps you see it all for what it is, and consequently be able to worry less about the ow type stuff as part of your circus.

It's funny really bc it is almost as if trying to cover over the business problems with a bit of partying is like Business Replay isn't it? Your h will need to figure out which problems he is ready to tackle and how all by himself of course. I hope he does and when he does, i'm sure you will be able to undetach enough to hear him out. But I hope most of all the convo helped you see clearly that the blockage lies in him and your relationship is simply effected fallout from that. Not easy, but obviously true from over here in the cheap seats  ;)
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T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

H
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Re: My New Normal 3.0
#69: August 30, 2019, 04:45:35 AM
You go ROO!!!
You are doing great. I agree on you stepping away from MC. 
It is too much to handle if they are not ready. Just let him keep working on his own. It sounds as he is trying. Yes, they have to do it on their own.
Have a good day you bad@$$ little woman!!!
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