Author Topic: My Story My New Normal 3.0  (Read 2963 times)

Offline 9393rooTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #70 on: August 30, 2019, 05:49:28 AM »
Thank you Treasur and Helping.

Treasur you are 100% correct in the business being the OW now.  In fact the business has been the OW for almost 20 years since we started it. 

Hindsight has brought insight the last few months.  The real OW is an employee that ran one section of the company.  At the time MLC hit she was a prime target for my H as he was building this part up.  She was helping him build the company, she took over my place in this.  He went through all the MLC shenanigans with her and then broke up with her about 1.5 years ago.  She still works in that section but has another boss.  This section is tanking and I have told my H in no uncertain terms that if steps in to save it I will be out.  He has stuck to this agreement as far as I can tell.  His partying included some people in this section (He says not OW I believe him as I think she scares him) so I think he was testing the waters to see if he could get back in.  My boundary is up was made very clear again yesterday. 

After the OW withdrawal my H dove in full force to all other sections of the company and grew it substantially.  I on the other hand began my process of stepping away and focusing on my own life.  The company now is a huge beast and not doing well anywhere.  My H's brother who started the company with him stepped out about a year ago stating he didn't like the direction it was going.  Many long term employees are not happy.  My H's midlife crisis has affected many, many people.  None of this is about $ it is about power and him getting attention.  The more I step back the more I see this.  There is absolutely nothing I can do to help him, I don't want to because I am craving our simple life. 

I know my H loves me and our family.  When he is away from the company I see the man I married.  The funny, sentimental loving man.  He is having an identity crisis that has nothing to do with me.  All I can do is stick to my boundaries and hold on as I brace for possibly a big fall from him as he can't keep all the balls up in the air for much longer. 

Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline 9393rooTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #71 on: September 12, 2019, 06:29:54 AM »
Good Morning Community!

Thought I would do an update as today is my 32nd wedding anniversary and I've been contemplating many things the last week or 2.

After my last update, my H and I had a talk and we made the mutual decision to stop marriage counseling. (Well, actually it was more my decision but he went along with it.)  Since this time I have felt better than I have in a couple of months.  I did not realize how much it was affecting me.  Going through counseling with someone who is still sorting things out on their own and isn't ready to address the marriage is a big mistake.  We did both agree it helped with our communication though.  More lessons learned in our ongoing journeys.  Since we have stopped counseling my H has made many steps forward.  He's doing it on his own without me holding a stick poking and prodding along the way.  I feel better and more detached and he feels better and less pressured.  It seems to be a win win for now.  We have hit a calm stride once again and I'll take it. 

In our marriage anniversaries have not been really celebrated much except for the big ones.  The last  three years we have had some doozies though. 
29 was 6 months after BD and horrible.  My life was spinning.  I wrote my H a heartfelt card pretty much begging him to come back to our marriage.  I wanted the life we had back, he ignored me.
 
30 was a trip (all of my doing) My H was doing major cake eating (affair was still on-I didn't know...well in hindsight I did but didn't want to believe) We went to Mexico, I picked out new wedding bands and wrote another heartfelt card about starting over I got nothing.  2 months later he told me he wasn't sure how he felt about us.  BD #2 happened 1 month after this when I found out OW was still in the picture. I took off the new wedding bands and put my old one back on, gave mine back to H. 

31 was 8 months after he officially broke up with OW.  He had just been caught texting a flight attendant he met while traveling.  We had plans to go to Hawaii, I traded his ticket in and took my sister instead.  Around this time I officially dropped the rope and started to find my own life.  He started IC

Here we are a year later we are still moving forward with many, many steps back.  I'm a new person today and I'm realizing that with all of the pain and suffering MLC has brought into our life it also has made me more aware of many joys.  I'm learning slowly that I am once again becoming my own person and I finally am starting to like and respect myself again.  This self respect is calming to both me and my H. 

My H is traveling this morning.  He did call me last night and we laughed about many things.  He is still in MLC, but I see glimpses of a really good man in there.  I hope he sees that someday too. I just sent him a text this morning all it said was "We made it to 32....whew!!"  He sent back a thumbs up sign and then he sent back our engagement picture and said "we were so young, I love you"  I had no idea he even had this picture. 

Today I will go to work at a job a really love, I will take my pug out for a walk, I will go to the gym and then I will order Thai take out have with a really nice glass of wine.  I will celebrate me, I've come a long way since this thing started.  Maybe next year we will celebrate us a little more.

     





Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Online Helpingme!

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #72 on: September 12, 2019, 07:19:10 AM »
Happy Anniversary to YOU Roo!!! Have a good one for you!!
IMO you are doing just what you should do. It's bringing peace your way. Keep it up.
All good info you shared. We can see these things ince we are able to step away and look back. Hard to do that when we are still struggling. Keep it up Roo.

Offline Maleficent

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #73 on: September 13, 2019, 06:32:56 AM »
Roo, I hope you had a wonderful anniversary. Thank you for sharing the stories of your recent anniversaries.  If my math is correct, we married within a few weeks of each other. 
The new Roo sounds joyful in the true meaning of the word.   All good!  Many blessings. 
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Online Treasur

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #74 on: September 13, 2019, 07:10:08 AM »
Seem to be quite a few of us here with September wedding anniversaries  :)
Yup, celebrating you is quite nice too...just different...but just as worthwhile to celebrate.
A pug, Thai food and a glass of something nice sounds rather lovely  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Acorn

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #75 on: September 13, 2019, 08:29:04 AM »
Congrats on your WA, Roo!
I wholeheartedly agree with your decision to stop M counselling.  You are right, one needs to heal first in order to be able to address any R issues.  It is way too much pressure for both parties, especially the MLCer.  In essence, M counselling asks for what MLCer is unable to give because he still needs to heal himself a whole lot more. 

Good for you seeing the silver lining in MC, though.  You did gain some improvement in your communication!

One thing I discovered while reconnecting is that it wasn’t so much how/what/how often of the communication that mattered as much as what each one of us expected of communication.  It’s my subtle expectations of certain level of communication that H was yet unable to give at various points in his healing and the reconnection process that left me feeling dissatisfied and impatient.  Just as well I worked on curbing that notorious Expectations!  E is a pesky mole that pops it’s head out whenever I fail to keep it in check.  In due time, deeper and longer communications happened.  One can’t hurry these things. ::)

That self respect you mentioned is one of the fruits of growing and healing, in my view.
You are very observant - self respect is calming in R.  Not just in M but with all significant people in our lives.  It’s not a point brought up often but you nailed it.  Self respect brings along stability, quiet confidence, reliability, an aura of being comfortable in one’s own skin.  What’s there not to like?!  It is contagious. 
« Last Edit: September 13, 2019, 08:31:28 AM by Acorn »
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Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #76 on: September 25, 2019, 09:44:28 AM »

Today I will go to work at a job a really love, I will take my pug out for a walk, I will go to the gym and then I will order Thai take out have with a really nice glass of wine.  I will celebrate me, I've come a long way since this thing started.  Maybe next year we will celebrate us a little more.

     

Boy, you epitomize this whole mirror work, GAL thing! I truly feel that the only way one of these MLC marriages can ever come back together is when the LBS does their own growth and self analysis. And of course, once we realize we are ok on our own, that we have value, it is that much easier to see the good things in life, to be able to focus on the joy again. Not saying I am there--it is my goal though and you are an inspiration for sure.

Of course he has your wedding picture in his phone. And of course he loves you. That does not surprise me in the lease. He's made some great progress recently I think because you have been able to step out of the way. And you do that by focusing on yourself. Wow--it really is true what they say here isn't it? It is kind of an amorphous concept, but you just provided such a great example of how it works in practice.  Enjoy that Thai food and wine. Yum! And Happy Anniversary!
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline 9393rooTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #77 on: October 13, 2019, 06:52:15 PM »
Thought I would give a little update as things still seem to be moving and shifting around here quite a bit.  I returned from an amazing 10 day trip in Australia with my sister.  I was so ready to go when I left and now feel ready to be home again.  The leaves are changing, and we have entered my favorite of seasons, fall.  I guess I should start before I left about 13 days ago. 
As I was getting ready to leave my H decided to take a step back into the tunnel.  He was acting like a 15 year old boy, sometimes giddy and immature, sometimes dark and moody.  In the past before I have left for any trips I have always cooked and cleaned and made sure things would run smoothly while I have been away.  This time I decided to do neither.   There is a grocery store 4 blocks from our house and I thought it was time my H survived on his own.   What made this decision even more clear was a day before this I was at the store and asked my H if he wanted me to buy him anything before I left since I was at the store.  I didn’t hear back from him until much later when he sent a text asking me to buy beer and big box of gum???? Um, no.  (he has picked up this ridiculous gum smacking habit since MLC started…ugh)  I told him it was too late and he had to buy that on his own. 

The day before I left he became clingy mcclingster.  Telling me how hard it was going to be on him since I wasn’t going to be there.  A few hours before I left one of his employees was talking to me about a restaurant he had been to with my H in the town where the OW is.  He was telling me about a design of a bar and said “wait, I have a picture where we all went out to dinner I’ll send it to you”  In the picture there was a table full of people and sitting next to my H was the OW……My heart sank.  Like really, really sank.  I just sent it to my H and said “if this is still happening, I am done” Immediately my H called me.  He told me he was going to tell me and that she was only there for 5 minutes and he was trying to get away from her.  He said he was sorry and that he should have told me.  I told him I didn’t want to talk about it and time away from each other was probably a good thing so we can each figure out what we want. He freaked out and started to text nonstop about how much he loved me and would miss me.    I didn’t respond. 

I stepped on the plane and have never felt the need to get away and be free from all of this MLC crap as much as did that moment.  I was telling myself I was done.   I met up with my sister and began what became a truly amazing vacation.  I explored, shopped, drank wine, hiked and had one of the best times I’ve ever had.  I had long talks with my sister, and as much as she doesn’t fully understand all of this, she just made the comment that I seemed more at peace and very calm compared to what I was a year ago.  I heard very little from my H for the next 10 days.  A text here or there asking about logistical things, nothing else.  I watched my sister’s  H facetime her every morning talk about his day and then ask her about hers.  It was watching them that I realized how screwed up my life must seem to her right now. I also realized that what we are going through right now is so wacky, really wacky and far from normal.   
I had to fly home on my own as my sister stayed a few days more.  I sat next to the most charming older couple.  They had been married 60 years and the H said he was finally taking his wife on a proper honeymoon to the states.  The flight became really turbulent mid way through and the Man grabbed his wife’s hand and held it tight.  My H used to do this to me everytime we flew together. I almost started to cry.  It became even more turbulent the I grabbed on to the seat arms.  The woman turned to me and asked if she could hold my hand.  I said absolutely.  I felt safe and loved. 

I arrived home late and took an Uber home.  Our house was dark.  The front porch light was burned out and there were spider webs everywhere.  My H was upstairs watching TV.  He came down and gave me a hug.  The house was cold, the fridge was empty and my dishwasher was full of dishes that I had run just before I left.  I was so tired I just went to bed.   This morning my H got up and said he had to go to the office.  I spent the day picking up my dog, cleaning, replacing lightbulbs, grocery shopping.  I built a fire put on some music and made a good dinner.  My H   came home a couple of hours ago and I don’t think he could handle that it was so nice, warm and cozy.  Dinner was just finishing up and he announced that he needed to go back to the office and walked out the door.   I dished myself up, lit some candles and sat down to eat by myself.  Just as I sat down my sister texted me to tell me she missed me and loved me a lot and was so happy to be able to spend so much time together.   

I have no idea where my H is and where he is heading next in this crisis.  I’m continuing to step away and let him try to figure it all out.   One thing I’ve learned from all of this is that throughout these turbulent times, I have many, many people ready to hold my hand and help me through it.  For that I am so incredibly grateful. 

Husband 54
Me 54
Kids 3 sons 28, 26, 23 1 daughter 19
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 32 years.  Together 34
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Enyo

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #78 on: October 14, 2019, 12:19:47 AM »
Roo

Just wanted to let you know that your post made me cry. You sound good though, but it must be tough having a live in MLCer and having to watch it all from up close. Trying to get on with our lives whilst keeping half an eye on our Hs is exhausting.

Wanted to just say this whole thing is so so sad.

Glad you had an amazing holiday

Enyo X
Me 61
MLCer 58
M37 years, Together 39 years
S28 & S26
BD Aug/Sept 15
Moved Out Aug16

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: My New Normal 3.0
« Reply #79 on: October 14, 2019, 12:48:56 AM »
The vacation sounds amazing Roo.... H not so much...

Sounds like he is still on low -simmer rather than cooking...   :-\
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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