[Disillusioned]

Dis, I remember my xh complaining to me that HE was finding the divorce process so stressful that it was making HIS depression much worse.....any third party listening would have assumed that I was the one who had left HIM and that I had filed for divorce...it all seemed to come as a bit of a surprise to him that if you file for a divorce y'know there is paperworks, lawyers and a process  Not only was he angry about the process but he blamed a bunch of things on his L and claimed to never be informed or involved in or have even read letters that HIS L sent out on HIS behalf....and then he was even more angry that nobody including me was sympathetic about how difficult and stressful it all was for him 

It was crazymaking stuff. And tbh, much as I loved my h, it was all so exhaustingly crazymaking that in the end I just wanted it all done and behind me.....

Treasur,

When we presented our unified front to then D7, she responded "Aren't I too young for this?"  My heart broke and I immediately regretted signing on to the lie that we were separating because we both wanted to.  W responded "It's horrible, honey."  There was little emotion in her voice.

Since then, she's referred to it as terrible, painful, debilitating.  Said she was a failure.  Was/is embarrassed.  Wanted to die.  Yet, here we are.  If asked, however, she will tell you the marriage was more painful to her, even to the point that losing half her daughter's life (we are 50/50) wasn't enough to try to work it out once all the cards were on the table.  Just recently, I got the "Too much damage" along with "We've been living apart long enough."  Ahhh, script, how do I love thee?  Let me count the ways.

[UrsaMajor]

Anyone else have moments when they said 'we've' discussed something....about a conversation that never actually happened? That didn't feel like intentional gaslighting but that he genuinely believed he'd/we'd had?  I got used to the fact that my then h had either a) had a conversation with me in his head but forgotten to actually involve me lol or b) had talked about me rather than to me with someone else...psychiatrist, ow, whoever.. which I was supposed to magically mind read  ......very WTF though 

Oh yeah.... LOTS and LOTS of "Option b)" for me... "We talked about this!" Uhmmmm... No... "We" didn't.... You might have talked about it to someone but it was NOT to me..... 

[Vm9799]

Dis, I remember my xh complaining to me that HE was finding the divorce process so stressful that it was making HIS depression much worse.....any third party listening would have assumed that I was the one who had left HIM and that I had filed for divorce...it all seemed to come as a bit of a surprise to him that if you file for a divorce y'know there is paperworks, lawyers and a process  Not only was he angry about the process but he blamed a bunch of things on his L and claimed to never be informed or involved in or have even read letters that HIS L sent out on HIS behalf....and then he was even more angry that nobody including me was sympathetic about how difficult and stressful it all was for him 

It was crazymaking stuff. And tbh, much as I loved my h, it was all so exhaustingly crazymaking that in the end I just wanted it all done and behind me.....

YES to all of this!  My D23's boyfriend came into her life in the middle of all this and he truly thought *I* was the one that had kicked my exH out and was divorcing HIM.  It's just EXHAUSTING sometimes dealing with all the insanity of their crazy!  Mine seemed utterly SHOCKED that he had filed for divorce!  UMMMMM, WHAT?!?!   And on top of all that, the paperwork that kept being sent to me what inaccurate in every way.  Our date of separation was 2 years prior () and the years of cars, etc were wrong.  It's like he had no knowledge of our actual lives.  I refused to sign until things were 100% correct.....hope it cost him a bundle

[Vm9799]

Anyone else have moments when they said 'we've' discussed something....about a conversation that never actually happened? That didn't feel like intentional gaslighting but that he genuinely believed he'd/we'd had?  I got used to the fact that my then h had either a) had a conversation with me in his head but forgotten to actually involve me lol or b) had talked about me rather than to me with someone else...psychiatrist, ow, whoever.. which I was supposed to magically mind read  ......very WTF though 

Oh yeah.... LOTS and LOTS of "Option b)" for me... "We talked about this!" Uhmmmm... No... "We" didn't.... You might have talked about it to someone but it was NOT to me..... 

and YES YES YES to this one too!  of course once I found about 12-16 hours A DAY of text messages to the OW, I realized that he in fact did NOT talk to ME about anything    there was literally no "WE" in any of this

[KeepItTogether]

Oh yes, we apparently had many discussions but they just couldn't get resolved. Probably b/c OW was whispering sweet nothings in his ear, and well, the conversations NEVER happened.

My new fav is "I'm a horrible person. I did horrible things to you."  Meant to elicit pity and empathy I suppose. And it worked for 4 years. I know better now.

[Treasur]

My new fav is "I'm a horrible person. I did horrible things to you." 

Are you ever tempted to just say 'Yes'....with a little suitable emoji maybe lol?
Thinking about it, there should be an MLC emoji shouldn't there?  ...at the front of every text message 

[UrsaMajor]

My new fav is "I'm a horrible person. I did horrible things to you." 

Are you ever tempted to just say 'Yes'....with a little suitable emoji maybe lol?

Like this one?

Thinking about it, there should be an MLC emoji shouldn't there?  ...at the front of every text message 

How about this one?

[spock]

Holy $h!te, I haven't spoken or seen the MLCer for almost 9 months now while I force myself to move on. I bumped into him at my local supermarket today, caught me off guard and I tried not to be emotional because I was a wreck after ! He looks very thin, hair was kinda long (he used to like them short and neat), still has the facial hair (always like to shave when we were together), eats once a day now, spending money like crazy and hasn't been employed for 1.5 years, and oh still has the MLC sports car.

Some scripts heard today:
I liked to spend money on things without having to worry, just what my mind tells me to, which is why we cannot work out. You are controlling!
People love me, they just do!

He still acts and feels like he is superior compared to the others. He is very smart, no doubt, but I wonder if people with high IQ tend to go off the charts more often? He doesn't do his hobby anymore which consumed him the last 1 year before the separation due to the toxic people and OW2. I wish him well and still think about him often. At least corona didn't get him and he's alive... 

What is scarier that separation/move out anniversary is tomorrow!!! 

[tinnat]

Anyone else have moments when they said 'we've' discussed something....about a conversation that never actually happened? That didn't feel like intentional gaslighting but that he genuinely believed he'd/we'd had?  I got used to the fact that my then h had either a) had a conversation with me in his head but forgotten to actually involve me lol or b) had talked about me rather than to me with someone else...psychiatrist, ow, whoever.. which I was supposed to magically mind read  ......very WTF though 

Oh yeah.... LOTS and LOTS of "Option b)" for me... "We talked about this!" Uhmmmm... No... "We" didn't.... You might have talked about it to someone but it was NOT to me..... 

Yes, this is very painful. "I told you about it." "No, you told someone but it wasn't me".  Until I found out about OW I was getting worried that he or I may have dementia.  Now I know it's he who has the brain of a sparrow (although he is one of the most intelligent persons I know).

[Wonder]

I thought I would add some to this list.

My H left via a text message so my only communication with him the text message, a 1-minute yelling at me hang up phone call, two explaining emails, things he then told some of my friends that found their way back to me, and now things he writes in legal letters.

Here goes:
BD1 (which I didn't know was BD at the time, I just got confused, 6 months before he left)
— The relationship feels one-sided ... you could rub my feet and write me little notes (as he does for me)
— You leave the cupboard doors open
— The feathers in the cushions you chose dig in to me!

BD2 - 2 weeks before leaving
— We need to talk ... BUT HE HAD NOTHING TO SAY!
— I hate myself
— I don't know who I am

Between BD2 and BD3
— It's not us, it's a MLC! (after seeing his therapist)

BD3 - leaving text message
— I can't do this anymore, I have been trying
— We both know I have not been happy for a while
— I can't be happy if I stay
— I was trying to work out why I wasn't happy and one of the things I realised I needed to do was a 'fresh start'
— Wants to be completely autonomous, just think about himself, as selfish as it sounds
— He loves me but HAD to do this
— I am perfect but he HAD to do this
— He never wanted to hurt me, wishes he could do this without hurting me
— This is what he NEEDS now and I have to accept it
— This has nothing to do with my behavior or anything like that, this is entirely about what he NEEDS now for himself... to be alone to look inwards psychologically and spiritually.
— Then comes the legal letter ... Sady Wonder's behavior did not change the week between BD2 and BD3 so that was the end of the relationship. 
— Yelling hang up phone call a few days after he left 'I TOLD YOU, I HAVE CHANGED!' First I had heard of that. He hadn't told me that before.
— What I need now is loving and nurturing from my mother!
— Wonder doesn't meet my needs (told to a friend)
— I feel small next to Wonder (told to a friend)
— He had to distance himself from me (said to pilates teacher he was infatuated with)
— He lost himself somewhere along the way of our marriage
— Everybody loves Wonder
— I look at you and can't believe you are my wife (a few months before he left)
— He panicked and does what he feels he has to do in order to achieve what he wants to achieve in life (told to a friend)
— He ALWAYS put me first, now he just wants to think about himself and re-evaluate decisions made in the past
— I am confused (told to a friend)
— I never wanted to hurt Wonder (told to a friend)
— Referred to himself as my benefactor (in legal letter, and he added up all the bills he has paid over the past few years while I was building my business).
— I know this must have come out of the blue to you and seem so out of character (explaining email) ... changed to ... Wonder has been trying to save the marriage for six months, she knew it was coming (legal letter).
— Wonder and our dog will be happier without me
— Legal letter from him arrives on our 16th wedding anniversary (nice)
— I want to spend more time with my family, but as always I was afraid to ask ... fear of conflict is my greatest weakness
— A few days after his 'marriage is over text message' I get emails addressed to 'Hi sweets and Hi love.... wanting to pop in to pick things etc and arrange time'.
— H texted pilates teacher to ask her to meet him for coffee so he could explain to her why he has left me. Ummm ... how about talking to your wife first and letting your wife know why you have left her! She said no ... she doesn't meet other women's husbands for coffee.
— There is nothing to talk about!!!!
— He is leaving for his mental health
— There is no rush ... changes to .... IMMEDIATELY via his lawyer re dividing assets

There will be others I have forgotten but that's a good start.