Author Topic: My Story Somebody That I Used To Know  (Read 2908 times)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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My Story Somebody That I Used To Know
« on: May 10, 2019, 04:37:05 AM »
Previous Thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10579.0;all


Hi friends, thanks for following.

I start this thread with a recap of all that's happened since BD in 2013.  Sorry this is so long, I will post this at the beginning of each thread with some edits and updates as they happen.

BD #1 1st July 2013.  H suggests I have a threesome with two other women - he would not be involved.  So very far removed from the man I married, I knew something was very wrong with him.

Continued to act detached and moody until I pushed for answers.

We have four children aged 16, 17, 18, 19 at BD. Married 26 years.

BD#2 1st October 2013.  H: "We have nothing in common,  I feel empty inside, trapped and bored.  Life means nothing, I'm a total failure".  "Divorce is good for kids because they get to visit two houses"  :o :o

Still living in family home but paces the floor, shakes uncontrollably most of the time.  Does 100 push-ups when he becomes so totally overwhelmed he could burst.  This behaviour continues for several months.  Leaves for gym 4:30 each morning.

December 2013: Tells me he wants to have a relationship with an OW and is going to have deep and meaningful conversations with her. Says he is possibly having a MLC.  Teary most of the time and says he's confused. Tells me he hates his mother and father.

January 2014: Begins to become violent at times, starts fights with children, throws things, punches furniture.

Closes bank accounts and opens in his name only.  Gives me $250 a week on card for food, clothing, fuel for car.  If I spend too fast he withdraws remainder of funds and leaves us without food. Says I spend his money to punish him for being a bad husband.

January 31st 2014 -  I find text messages with woman at work, definitely having an affair, denies it all.   Says I am a terrible person for thinking bad things. Says I am also delusional, crazy, paranoid and in deep need of help - projection!!  Follows me around the house and monsters at me constantly, takes car keys if I try to leave.  Is thinking of buying a mobile home to park outside our bedroom window to live in and watch me ???

April 2014 - opens credit card account with $15,000 limit - denies it.

Sends most of time on iPad, sleeps or man-scapes!!  Has begun wearing skate shoes and teenage clothes.  Spent $45 on hair gel ;D

Begins going to parties with 20 year old work colleagues.  H is 53 years old.

Having odd relationship with our daughter - treating her like his wife.  Tells her all his secrets.

Wants me to be with him all the time as he feels scared. Moves a mattress outside our bedroom door to sleep on and promises not to rape me if I leave the door open.

July 4th 2014 - Tells me he hates himself and is useless. Says his parents didn't love or value him and they didn't care if he lived or died.  Asks me what love is? Wants me to be as sad as he is.  Tries to tell me my childhood was terrible too.

Comes home late the next night, has been drinking with friends?  Lying.

Tells me we are separated.  We still love together.

Comes home to find me having coffee with a girlfriend of mine. H goes to police to have her charged with trespass :o

He stays up most of night, every night.  I can hear him sighing through the wall!!

OW#2 discovered - still denies ANY OW.

September 8th 2014 - H pushes me and threatens me.  Police called. Police tell H to behave himself  >:(

September 17th - H moves out of home, says it's because I called the police ad he would lose his job if the boss found out I had done such a thing.

September 20th - comes home for a spa bath!!!

Keeps turning up to house for trivial stuff.

November 14th 2014 - Turns up to house and moves two of our children out of house to live with him.  I had no idea.

January 2015 - I move house for protection from H.  Take S18 with me with help of Domestic Violence agency.

H refuses to pay child support and has wages debited.

Sends weekly letters to Child Support to tell them he is not paying due to ridiculous excuses.  All the letters stop payments while investigations take place.

Tells child Support S18 lives with him. S18 lives 100% with me.  Takes months to resolve in my favor.

August 2015 - H takes me to court to get me to give him money from bond from previous property - loses.

November 2015 - refuses to pay half school fees for S18. School deals with H.

H makes withdrawal on home loan account - bank shuts him down.

December 2015 - S18's school graduation. H arrives with S22 and refuses to sit with me, gets me a seat on another table but is sickly sweet to me and helps me down stairs, holds my hand and wants to walk me to the car :o

December 10th 2015  - I am served with divorce papers.  Had no idea. Filed the day of graduation.

H begins sending threatening legal letters.  Says I am an alcoholic, on-line addiction to spending and addicted to gambling.  All is revealed in court a few months later and H looks like a fool but still maintains it's all true.  H NEVER appears in court - sends barrister each time.

July 2016 - S19 meets OW#3

August 2016 until present - constant legal threats and court appearances.

September 2018 - wants to meet me for coffee.  Worried I am waiting for him and tells me he is moving in with OW#3

November 2018 - moves in with OW#3  OW tells him what money to spend, what to wear, how to treat the children and will not allow him out of the house without her.  I suspect he is cheating on her too.

March 2019 - property sells.

The above re-cap is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to xH.  He is totally out of control.  I feel this is definitely not the end of him although I haven't heard from him for about three months.  He contacts via email only now.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2019, 04:44:01 AM by Savoir Faire »
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2019, 04:58:35 AM »
Attaching Savvy.   :)

Why do most of them always say.."We have nothing in common anymore?"

I found that one thing the funniest because we have always had very much in common.  I remember looking at him like  :o  He could have said a lot of things, but not that.

Liked the same movies, enjoyed the same intimate stuff, same political views, both liked camping, both dog lovers...and so much more.
I wondered what the heck we didn't have in common.  Maybe music.  He liked soft rock and oldies, I liked metal.
When he went into his crisis he switched to metal so even then we had that.

Sorry, just weird.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Treasur

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2019, 05:04:40 AM »
Good Lord, Savvy...just the edited highlights show that your xh evidently lost the plot in a big way.

What was he like before he imploded?

And more importantly how are you now that the house is sold? Plans, dreams and schemes?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online One day at a time

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2019, 05:36:20 AM »
Some ride you had!! Since 2013?  :P  I'm still a newbie in MLC terms so I still can't get over some of the crazy stuff this people do! Why does it take them so long so realize the issue is within them?  ???
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2019, 05:58:37 AM »
Some ride you had!! Since 2013?  :P  I'm still a newbie in MLC terms so I still can't get over some of the crazy stuff this people do! Why does it take them so long so realize the issue is within them?  ???

Because that would mean having to accept responsibility for their actions... and admitting that it was, in fact, their issues..... and dealing with the guilt/remorse regarding the consequences of their actions..... and actually doing their own internal work (which means facing those issues head on)
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2019, 01:28:12 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Savy.

I read your list and was like "well, MLC normal". That is how it become, I am so used to stuff MLCers do I hardly, if ever, find anything they do strange.

What Ursa said.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline bubbs16

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2019, 02:21:51 PM »
That's the only way my w contacts me as well is by email.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2019, 05:39:26 AM »
Thanks for following along on the crazy train :-*

Why do most of them always say.."We have nothing in common anymore?"


Thunder, that was the line which stopped me in my tracks too. Not only did we share the same values and hobbies, dreams for the future, we also have four children in common.  At the time of BD we were building a home we had designed together and had agreed on every detail.  We were more like twins than husband and wife.  I suppose the co-dependency wasn't so good, but our life together was happy and contented - until it wasn't.

Good Lord, Savvy...just the edited highlights show that your xh evidently lost the plot in a big way.

What was he like before he imploded?

And more importantly how are you now that the house is sold? Plans, dreams and schemes?

Yes Treasur, he did lose the plot in a big way.  His MLC was more like a psychosis, he was totally crazy.

Before BD, he was a man who valued his family and couldn't wait to get home from work to be with us.  You could see he was content.  Loved working around the house and growing vegetables year round which I would create recipes around.  We all loved that part of our lives.  He was calm and rarely lost his temper.  I can't remember him ever raising his voice to the kids or me very much.  He would tell others how lucky he was to have us. He saw his life as pretty perfect, we both did.  Of course we had a few ups and downs but not many.  We had planned our lives way into the future, it's just that ow wasn't part of that plan :'(

One day at a time, I don't know why they take so long to come out of MLC.  Ursa says it best - they would have to take responsibility or the actions I have listed.  These were just a few taken from a list of all the 'bad' things he did which is 19, A4 pages long!! (so far).

Anjae, the list is way too normal.  I do think he's one of the most aggressive.  Not too many go to the level xH has.

Welcome Bubbs16, don't let the list frighten you off, just use it as a reminder that not matter what the LBS does, they can't change the path of a MLC.  I have been very understanding and rarely upset in his presence and he knows it.  He know I'm here if he needs me but I am no doormat.

To answer your question about the future Treasur, I feel I have done a LOT of work on becoming a truly grounded and independent woman.  I didn't have many FOO issues, as my childhood was lovely, such a blessing. I had become co-dependent with xh and thought I couldn't live without him and I know I am fine  now.

I plan to make the house a little cozier with some new furniture with the settlement money, looking at a Hampton's style living room and am making plans.  My mother turns 90 this year, so I support her where I can and look after S22 as he finds his way in his new life without his father as he rarely contacts.

I definitely need a new car and will be very glad when the old one is gone, as xH left me with the 'old' car when he left and took the new one.  The car I drive presently is the one I watched turn into our driveway each night with him in it, and it still triggers me.  It's the old family car, so that stings too.  I will thank the car for being reliable during some very tough times over the past six years but will not be too sorry to see it go.  XH sat in that seat every day for years, I need a new 'me car'.  Ursa has some ideas 8)

I have a financial planner who is looking after the future with me and it makes the next few years look rosier than I thought they would be.  XH had his barrister fight hard in the courtroom to see I had nothing, it's taken a lot to get this far.

I will wait until the end of the year before I make even more future pans about relationships.  I am alone and not lonely, as I enjoy my life very much but would love someone to share some dreams with.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Whyus

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #8 on: May 14, 2019, 05:55:44 AM »
Your recap is just mind boggling SF!
He seems to have completely  lost the plot (as they all have). You Sound great though, you just have to make the best of Things.
Make sure that you Change the car ASAP! The last Thing you Need is to be triggered by your own car  :o.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #9 on: May 14, 2019, 11:04:44 PM »
 Thanks Whyus, I intend to get rid of the car ASAP but I need to be sensible with the money I get, so I will have a chat to my financial advisor to see what he thinks.  It's really a choice between a sensible cheaper car and a luxury European car.  I love expensive shiny things, so I am torn.  Unfortunately my financial advisor also loves shiny expensive cars so he may be no help at all ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

 

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