Author Topic: My Story Somebody That I Used To Know  (Read 2911 times)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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My Story Somebody That I Used To Know
« on: May 10, 2019, 04:37:05 AM »
Previous Thread:  https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10579.0;all


Hi friends, thanks for following.

I start this thread with a recap of all that's happened since BD in 2013.  Sorry this is so long, I will post this at the beginning of each thread with some edits and updates as they happen.

BD #1 1st July 2013.  H suggests I have a threesome with two other women - he would not be involved.  So very far removed from the man I married, I knew something was very wrong with him.

Continued to act detached and moody until I pushed for answers.

We have four children aged 16, 17, 18, 19 at BD. Married 26 years.

BD#2 1st October 2013.  H: "We have nothing in common,  I feel empty inside, trapped and bored.  Life means nothing, I'm a total failure".  "Divorce is good for kids because they get to visit two houses"  :o :o

Still living in family home but paces the floor, shakes uncontrollably most of the time.  Does 100 push-ups when he becomes so totally overwhelmed he could burst.  This behaviour continues for several months.  Leaves for gym 4:30 each morning.

December 2013: Tells me he wants to have a relationship with an OW and is going to have deep and meaningful conversations with her. Says he is possibly having a MLC.  Teary most of the time and says he's confused. Tells me he hates his mother and father.

January 2014: Begins to become violent at times, starts fights with children, throws things, punches furniture.

Closes bank accounts and opens in his name only.  Gives me $250 a week on card for food, clothing, fuel for car.  If I spend too fast he withdraws remainder of funds and leaves us without food. Says I spend his money to punish him for being a bad husband.

January 31st 2014 -  I find text messages with woman at work, definitely having an affair, denies it all.   Says I am a terrible person for thinking bad things. Says I am also delusional, crazy, paranoid and in deep need of help - projection!!  Follows me around the house and monsters at me constantly, takes car keys if I try to leave.  Is thinking of buying a mobile home to park outside our bedroom window to live in and watch me ???

April 2014 - opens credit card account with $15,000 limit - denies it.

Sends most of time on iPad, sleeps or man-scapes!!  Has begun wearing skate shoes and teenage clothes.  Spent $45 on hair gel ;D

Begins going to parties with 20 year old work colleagues.  H is 53 years old.

Having odd relationship with our daughter - treating her like his wife.  Tells her all his secrets.

Wants me to be with him all the time as he feels scared. Moves a mattress outside our bedroom door to sleep on and promises not to rape me if I leave the door open.

July 4th 2014 - Tells me he hates himself and is useless. Says his parents didn't love or value him and they didn't care if he lived or died.  Asks me what love is? Wants me to be as sad as he is.  Tries to tell me my childhood was terrible too.

Comes home late the next night, has been drinking with friends?  Lying.

Tells me we are separated.  We still love together.

Comes home to find me having coffee with a girlfriend of mine. H goes to police to have her charged with trespass :o

He stays up most of night, every night.  I can hear him sighing through the wall!!

OW#2 discovered - still denies ANY OW.

September 8th 2014 - H pushes me and threatens me.  Police called. Police tell H to behave himself  >:(

September 17th - H moves out of home, says it's because I called the police ad he would lose his job if the boss found out I had done such a thing.

September 20th - comes home for a spa bath!!!

Keeps turning up to house for trivial stuff.

November 14th 2014 - Turns up to house and moves two of our children out of house to live with him.  I had no idea.

January 2015 - I move house for protection from H.  Take S18 with me with help of Domestic Violence agency.

H refuses to pay child support and has wages debited.

Sends weekly letters to Child Support to tell them he is not paying due to ridiculous excuses.  All the letters stop payments while investigations take place.

Tells child Support S18 lives with him. S18 lives 100% with me.  Takes months to resolve in my favor.

August 2015 - H takes me to court to get me to give him money from bond from previous property - loses.

November 2015 - refuses to pay half school fees for S18. School deals with H.

H makes withdrawal on home loan account - bank shuts him down.

December 2015 - S18's school graduation. H arrives with S22 and refuses to sit with me, gets me a seat on another table but is sickly sweet to me and helps me down stairs, holds my hand and wants to walk me to the car :o

December 10th 2015  - I am served with divorce papers.  Had no idea. Filed the day of graduation.

H begins sending threatening legal letters.  Says I am an alcoholic, on-line addiction to spending and addicted to gambling.  All is revealed in court a few months later and H looks like a fool but still maintains it's all true.  H NEVER appears in court - sends barrister each time.

July 2016 - S19 meets OW#3

August 2016 until present - constant legal threats and court appearances.

September 2018 - wants to meet me for coffee.  Worried I am waiting for him and tells me he is moving in with OW#3

November 2018 - moves in with OW#3  OW tells him what money to spend, what to wear, how to treat the children and will not allow him out of the house without her.  I suspect he is cheating on her too.

March 2019 - property sells.

The above re-cap is only the tip of the iceberg when it comes to xH.  He is totally out of control.  I feel this is definitely not the end of him although I haven't heard from him for about three months.  He contacts via email only now.
« Last Edit: May 10, 2019, 04:44:01 AM by Savoir Faire »
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Thunder

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2019, 04:58:35 AM »
Attaching Savvy.   :)

Why do most of them always say.."We have nothing in common anymore?"

I found that one thing the funniest because we have always had very much in common.  I remember looking at him like  :o  He could have said a lot of things, but not that.

Liked the same movies, enjoyed the same intimate stuff, same political views, both liked camping, both dog lovers...and so much more.
I wondered what the heck we didn't have in common.  Maybe music.  He liked soft rock and oldies, I liked metal.
When he went into his crisis he switched to metal so even then we had that.

Sorry, just weird.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Treasur

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2019, 05:04:40 AM »
Good Lord, Savvy...just the edited highlights show that your xh evidently lost the plot in a big way.

What was he like before he imploded?

And more importantly how are you now that the house is sold? Plans, dreams and schemes?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online One day at a time

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2019, 05:36:20 AM »
Some ride you had!! Since 2013?  :P  I'm still a newbie in MLC terms so I still can't get over some of the crazy stuff this people do! Why does it take them so long so realize the issue is within them?  ???
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #4 on: May 10, 2019, 05:58:37 AM »
Some ride you had!! Since 2013?  :P  I'm still a newbie in MLC terms so I still can't get over some of the crazy stuff this people do! Why does it take them so long so realize the issue is within them?  ???

Because that would mean having to accept responsibility for their actions... and admitting that it was, in fact, their issues..... and dealing with the guilt/remorse regarding the consequences of their actions..... and actually doing their own internal work (which means facing those issues head on)
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #5 on: May 10, 2019, 01:28:12 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Savy.

I read your list and was like "well, MLC normal". That is how it become, I am so used to stuff MLCers do I hardly, if ever, find anything they do strange.

What Ursa said.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline bubbs16

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #6 on: May 10, 2019, 02:21:51 PM »
That's the only way my w contacts me as well is by email.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #7 on: May 14, 2019, 05:39:26 AM »
Thanks for following along on the crazy train :-*

Why do most of them always say.."We have nothing in common anymore?"


Thunder, that was the line which stopped me in my tracks too. Not only did we share the same values and hobbies, dreams for the future, we also have four children in common.  At the time of BD we were building a home we had designed together and had agreed on every detail.  We were more like twins than husband and wife.  I suppose the co-dependency wasn't so good, but our life together was happy and contented - until it wasn't.

Good Lord, Savvy...just the edited highlights show that your xh evidently lost the plot in a big way.

What was he like before he imploded?

And more importantly how are you now that the house is sold? Plans, dreams and schemes?

Yes Treasur, he did lose the plot in a big way.  His MLC was more like a psychosis, he was totally crazy.

Before BD, he was a man who valued his family and couldn't wait to get home from work to be with us.  You could see he was content.  Loved working around the house and growing vegetables year round which I would create recipes around.  We all loved that part of our lives.  He was calm and rarely lost his temper.  I can't remember him ever raising his voice to the kids or me very much.  He would tell others how lucky he was to have us. He saw his life as pretty perfect, we both did.  Of course we had a few ups and downs but not many.  We had planned our lives way into the future, it's just that ow wasn't part of that plan :'(

One day at a time, I don't know why they take so long to come out of MLC.  Ursa says it best - they would have to take responsibility or the actions I have listed.  These were just a few taken from a list of all the 'bad' things he did which is 19, A4 pages long!! (so far).

Anjae, the list is way too normal.  I do think he's one of the most aggressive.  Not too many go to the level xH has.

Welcome Bubbs16, don't let the list frighten you off, just use it as a reminder that not matter what the LBS does, they can't change the path of a MLC.  I have been very understanding and rarely upset in his presence and he knows it.  He know I'm here if he needs me but I am no doormat.

To answer your question about the future Treasur, I feel I have done a LOT of work on becoming a truly grounded and independent woman.  I didn't have many FOO issues, as my childhood was lovely, such a blessing. I had become co-dependent with xh and thought I couldn't live without him and I know I am fine  now.

I plan to make the house a little cozier with some new furniture with the settlement money, looking at a Hampton's style living room and am making plans.  My mother turns 90 this year, so I support her where I can and look after S22 as he finds his way in his new life without his father as he rarely contacts.

I definitely need a new car and will be very glad when the old one is gone, as xH left me with the 'old' car when he left and took the new one.  The car I drive presently is the one I watched turn into our driveway each night with him in it, and it still triggers me.  It's the old family car, so that stings too.  I will thank the car for being reliable during some very tough times over the past six years but will not be too sorry to see it go.  XH sat in that seat every day for years, I need a new 'me car'.  Ursa has some ideas 8)

I have a financial planner who is looking after the future with me and it makes the next few years look rosier than I thought they would be.  XH had his barrister fight hard in the courtroom to see I had nothing, it's taken a lot to get this far.

I will wait until the end of the year before I make even more future pans about relationships.  I am alone and not lonely, as I enjoy my life very much but would love someone to share some dreams with.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Whyus

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #8 on: May 14, 2019, 05:55:44 AM »
Your recap is just mind boggling SF!
He seems to have completely  lost the plot (as they all have). You Sound great though, you just have to make the best of Things.
Make sure that you Change the car ASAP! The last Thing you Need is to be triggered by your own car  :o.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #9 on: May 14, 2019, 11:04:44 PM »
 Thanks Whyus, I intend to get rid of the car ASAP but I need to be sensible with the money I get, so I will have a chat to my financial advisor to see what he thinks.  It's really a choice between a sensible cheaper car and a luxury European car.  I love expensive shiny things, so I am torn.  Unfortunately my financial advisor also loves shiny expensive cars so he may be no help at all ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Laugh or Cry

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #10 on: May 14, 2019, 11:16:09 PM »
All I can suggest is, don't let anything control you; money, designer labels, or that new car smell. If you can't control your own thoughts and feelings, it makes it easy for other people to control you.

Offline Whyus

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #11 on: May 14, 2019, 11:18:05 PM »
I understand you SF. Maybe an Option would be to get a cheap used car just to tie you over until you know what you really want.
I am in a similar Position. XW and I leased a new car in 2015 on a 5 year contract. The car is a very sensible Family car, best Price/value available at the time. We both Chose this car becuse it is quite spacey though cheap for fuel, tax and insurance. When XW left she took our 2nd car (old but paid off) and I kept the new one, I paid for it but im caught in the 5 year trap until 2020. When we sold our house XW bought a used but very nice BMW (cash), I still had 2 years on my/our contract.

My Problem now is what to do next year? I part of me wants to get a similar car again, new so I have the reliability as i Need it for work. The other part of me totally loved driving through the states last year in the Mustang convertible and wants a Young used Mustang convertible (black, not RED  :D). Its more expensive to run and not so Environment friendly BUT FUN !
Its a tough one for sure, ill probably be sensible but who knows???
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online OffRoad

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #12 on: May 15, 2019, 12:28:08 AM »
How about a cheaper,  barely used shiny European vehicle? I'm not much on European vehicles, so I have no real suggestions.  Last time I bought a car for me, it was a  6 year old Asian  shiny off road vehicle with a sun roof and killer stereo. And I'm a Chevy gal. But I did learn that when I next have to buy, it will be a killer sound system with a vehicle wrapped around it.  ;D.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Whyus

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #13 on: May 15, 2019, 01:12:04 AM »
But I did learn that when I next have to buy, it will be a killer sound system with a vehicle wrapped around it.  ;D.
I love you offroad, we could do some serious mileage together for sure  ;)
K has a brand new VW California beach for the next 6 months, its awesome and has everything EXCEPT A CD PLAYER!!!!!!!  :o WTF, I mean WTF????? She would have put one in given the Chance, she is pissed off about it too.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Silver

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #14 on: May 15, 2019, 01:53:36 AM »
Following along Savvy.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Anjae

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #15 on: May 15, 2019, 01:02:27 PM »
Anjae, the list is way too normal.  I do think he's one of the most aggressive.  Not too many go to the level xH has.

No, not too many go to Mr Savy's level and only a few are worst, Mr J, Mr In It and Mr LP being some of those.

Glad to know you have a financial planer and that the new years will be rosier than you though.

Weren't you going to get the red sports car?  ;)
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #16 on: May 17, 2019, 06:23:20 AM »
I am thinking about a red sports car but it's probably a bit too MLCerish for me ;D and xH has already done that.

XH's previous preferences are pushing me to something different than 'the usual'.  We always had the standard family Toyota or other Japanese made car and now xH has a Kia Sportage top model of course which makes me want a Sportage as much as the plague or cooties.

In Australia the European cars - Mercedes Benz, BMW, Audi etc, have a luxury car tax applied which makes them more attractive to those who can afford them and to LBS's who would really love one 8)

Have any of you actually seen the new Mercedes A class!!  You can talk to that car and it does what you tell it!  Incredible.  The sound system is to die for and it has 24 color ambient lighting!!  Now we are talking!! 

It has as standard here, a 20 inch touch screen which is super cool and you can get a black package which comes with back grille and wheels and quad exhaust.  I would look way more mysterious with this one, don't you think?   ;)

I will dream a little longer, talk with my advisor and maybe take your advice and get the sensible little non Kia car in the interim.  I hope xH's Sportage's heated seats catch fire and burn his and ow's backsides off!! very nice visual even if it is a bit naughty.

I had a phone message left by my lawyer asking if I had any news??  I thought it was a strange question as she knows the property settlement is in two weeks so I called her.  She's feeling edgy and informed me this is the longest stretch of time  since 2016 xH has not contacted for some ridiculous legal reason and even in 2016 he was writing weekly abusive letters to child support about not paying me.

She says she can find a few reasons for him to write letters to demand payment for petty stuff which he hasn't done and she's suspicious he may hit me with a letter just before settlement, because that's what he's always done before.  She's on high alert.  Three months without abuse from him is the longest in six years.

Maybe he's getting a bit more 'thinky'.  I also thought it strange. He doesn't contact me directly but the letters never stopped until now.

Back to the car magazines Hmmmm......Mercedes A class or wait for the new GLA? because I am partial to sitting a little higher and the new GLA is going to have the 20 inch screen,  24 color ambient lighting and a Harman Kardon sound system.  Audi Q2 is super cool and the BMW X1 has a gorgeous interior and sleek black package.  Decisions, decisions.......
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #17 on: May 17, 2019, 09:11:24 AM »
I vote for the Benz. And you deserve it my friend.

I don't love that your L is "nervous" and telling you about it. I often tell people that as a L, I am a "paid worrier." In other words, I am the one who worries for the client. Anyway, just my two judgy cents. LOL.

Since there has been radio silence though, wondering if xh in thinky mode. Wouldn't that be nice?


I feel I have done a LOT of work on becoming a truly grounded and independent woman.  I didn't have many FOO issues, as my childhood was lovely, such a blessing. I had become co-dependent with xh and thought I couldn't live without him and I know I am fine  now.


Thanks for writing this Savvy. I always thought of myself as independent, but when I was totally decimated at BD, realized I was also probably codependent.  Nice to know you can work through it.

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Online OffRoad

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #18 on: May 17, 2019, 09:51:33 AM »
Mercedes is not my thing. It still looks like a sedan on the outside. But maybe that is your stealth advantage ;D. I could enjoy pretty lights insude though. Now if you want talk Ferrari, I'll help you shop. :)

Adding a tax makes something MORE attractive? I don't think I will ever understand that. But since my idea of a perfect vehicle is one I control with my hands and not my voice, I'll likely never catch up to anything "luxury" because I am too much of a Luddite.

I hope you find the perfect car that works for you. A car is a joy to drive, imo, and if you have to commute, good to have something you love.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Anjae

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #19 on: May 17, 2019, 03:29:51 PM »
Didn't Ursa posted a great red car, a BMW, I think, that was a far less obvious sports car on your previous thread? A car you talk to and does what you want? Seems like Kitt from the Knight Rider come true.  ;) ;D

I always thought of myself as independent, but when I was totally decimated at BD, realized I was also probably codependent.  Nice to know you can work through it.

BD is a very extreme situation. People may, and often do, behave in ways that are unusual for them. 
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #20 on: May 20, 2019, 03:34:47 AM »
Here you go Savvy..... This is the Australian version.... Full review here

https://www.drive.com.au/new-car-reviews/2018-skoda-octavia-rs245-review-116608
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #21 on: May 20, 2019, 04:50:29 AM »
Thanks for all the replies and Ursa, I have the Skoda on my list, it's truly beautiful.

KIT, I was also surprised my lawyer is worried and let me know. I thought she must know something I don't, but she would need to tell me if she had heard anything and I really have no clue why xH isn't trying harder to make my life as difficult as possible because that's what he actually told me way back - 'I will make sure you get NOTHING"  in his best monster tone.

As many here have said, the sale of the land may bring him undone due to his total love of the place.  It's hard for me to drive home just how much that place meant to both of us, but to him it was his castle and the place he wanted to be for the rest of his life.  The kids wanted to be married there and had chosen their favorite spot for the ceremony when they were teenagers.

It would have been easy for him to buy me out and he did want to at the beginning of his crisis. Probably ow didn't like the place and made him give it up, so that might be her undoing too.

Nine days until settlement folks, fingers crossed I hear crickets from him.

After I have my share of the proceeds, I will sit and wait for a while before buying too many Gucci bags ;)

My legal fees are ten times more than the national average and ALL due to  XH's constant letters of objection to me breathing or having the audacity to want any of HIS money.

It's been a huge battle and I really do deserve to be happy in the future, no matter what that looks like.

The latest news of my friend's sisters husband - the 15 year long MLCer who is reconnecting - he is getting closer and closer.  They are having many family dinners together and the ow of 15 years doesn't know.  Apparently he is looking like his old self and they are having some talks about the future.  My friend is wary but her sister has BIG expectations and I suppose after 15 years, she has been able to show herself she doesn't need him and can ask him to lave at any time.  They are still legally married.  I can't begin to imagine how she is feeling after so many years apart, and he has been with the same  ow all this time and totally sure she was 'the one'. - now she isn't.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Anjae

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #22 on: May 20, 2019, 10:48:07 AM »
Fingers crossed that all goes well with the  settlement.

Thank you for keeping updating on your friend whose husband has been in MLC for 15 years. I think the part I don't like is that he is having dinner with your friend and his OW of 15 years does not know. Talking about the future while he is still with OW? Not sure if it makes sense. Maybe.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #23 on: May 21, 2019, 01:59:44 AM »
Yes Anjae, I don't like that he's having dinner with his first family and leaving the ow in the dark.

It appears he hasn't wanted to be with ow for a while now but hasn't the courage to tell her. The LBS knew from the beginning it wasn't a normal marriage break up and has just stayed in the background waiting, without any support from a site like we have.  I have offered for her to access RCR's articles so she has some idea of what she may be facing, but my friend told me her sister wouldn't be open to any help as she has suggested some help with his MLC in the past and was met with a firm "NO".

I suppose after waiting 15 years she feels she can cope with anything.  I don't get the impression he was particularly nasty during his crisis, just certain the ow was the one for him.  The catalyst 15 years ago were serious work problems and the death of his mother.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #24 on: May 21, 2019, 02:03:42 AM »
So, the bottom line is that First x is now the OW to the OW?

Hmmmmmm ....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #25 on: May 21, 2019, 03:00:33 AM »
It appears that way Ursa! 
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #26 on: May 21, 2019, 04:45:33 AM »
The countdown is on...hope no last minute surprises from H...interesting lawyer contacted you.

I’m in the X1, cheap enough not to pay luxury car tex. LOVE the heated seats, especially after night shift. Hope my butt doesn’t catch on fire 😂

Looking forward to your settlement day. I actually got a speeding fine in the mail today, very late as said X1 still in ex’s name, he had 1 job to do in the settlement, ONE...he didn’t do it, and received the five, had to sign a stat dec to say it wasn’t him 🙄
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Anjae

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #27 on: May 21, 2019, 04:40:26 PM »
So, the bottom line is that First x is now the OW to the OW?

Hmmmmmm ....

As it often the case with some LBS. We have a few LBS on HS who are the X being the OW/OM to OW/OM. I find it quite odd, but what do I know.

It is pity your friend's sister does not want any support with her husband's MLC. Nothing that can be done about it.

After 15 years the last thing I would go for is being OW to OW. We all know what tends to happen when MLCers cake year so late in MLC, they delay getting rid of OW/OM because the LBS is fine with them having OW/OM.

It is sad to think your friend's sister may be ruining a good reconnection/reconciliation for lack of boundaries.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline in it

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #28 on: May 21, 2019, 05:35:49 PM »
Just a quick read through looks like he's cheating on the other woman with his wife. This guy has issues and it's not an MLC.
Fifteen years? How long would you make an excuse for someone to have a MLC?
Is there any way anybody on this site can see some situations for what they are and possibly not a MLC?

He cheats. That's who he IS. And more than likely he will cheat on her again.

Why she stayed married to him I have no idea.
There are two ways of spreading light:
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Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

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You want a partner not a project.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #29 on: May 21, 2019, 05:44:12 PM »
Although, there is something quite poetic about being the OW to the OW.  I'm petty and spiteful like that tho. ;)
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anjae

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #30 on: May 21, 2019, 05:46:34 PM »
In It, MLC may last many, many years. More than 10. It has a pattern and script. The guy has been away for 15 years, etc. A normal cheater does not try to reconnect.

The affair is only one part of MLC. There are people on HS whose MLCer has been away for far less than 15 years, some whose MLCers is even married to OW/OM whose MLCer, including a MCLer married to OW/OM have been cheating of OW/OM or MLC spouse with the LBS. The reasoning LBS tend to present is that since they are the LBS it is not cheating.

She stayed married to him probably the same way Stayed's Irish friend stayed married to her vanishing MLCer who showed up some 9 years later, because like Savy said, she knew it was not a normal breakup.

People know when it is not a normal breakup.

To me it is far more confusing that HS members are being OW/OM to OW/OM, including to their remarried MCLer, than a woman who knew her marriage breakup was not normal, but does not have the info HS members have about MLC.

In any case, he is only seeing his wife while still with the OW because his OW allows him to. We may not like, we may think it is wrong, but his wife is an adult and gets to decide what she wants to do.

There is nothing poetic about being the OW to OW it only shows low self esteem and lack of boundaries.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline in it

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #31 on: May 21, 2019, 05:55:18 PM »
How is it known that a regular cheater doesn't try to reconnect? Easier to go back then go out there and find someone else..besides being fifteen years older now.

It may be a lack of self esteem and boundaries on her part. Or maybe there's some FOO issues mixed in there.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #32 on: May 21, 2019, 06:20:33 PM »
A regular cheater may try/want to reconnect, but what usually happens with a regular cheater is that they don't tend to want to leave  marriage. Some non-MLC people who cheat leave, often because their spouse makes them to, but most regular cheaters do not leave of their own free will.

LBS with long term MLCers will have MLCers who are many years older when they will try to reconnect. It is a reality of MLC. If the couple will, or will not reconnect, despite how many years went by, depends of each LBS/situation.

We do not know the lady's story enough to know if there are FOO issues. It may be a cultural or generational thing. We only know what Savy is telling us.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #33 on: May 22, 2019, 03:37:23 AM »
I wish I had more information.  The LBS is the sister of my friend who I have never met, so the story will have a lot of details missing and my friend is sure she isn't being told the whole story.

I have asked to speak to the LBS but she doesn't want to know about MLC.  I was quite surprised actually when I heard she didn't want help.  I have to try and put myself in a position of not having ever been on HS and just knowing something was not quite right with her H.

I have no doubt the LBS has self esteem issues and probably hasn't done the work on herself she needed to.  I get the impression she just waited for him - no questions asked - that shows some huge issues! 

I'm glad I won't be around them when the ow finds out what he's doing.  Remember, she's a LOT younger than he is and gave up having children to be with him and she's just turned 41.  She's not going to be a happy person at all!!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #34 on: May 22, 2019, 11:25:49 AM »
Anjae--you know I was joking.  :)

Savvy--possible this LBS started her R with this MLCer as an actual OW herself?
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #35 on: May 22, 2019, 06:34:41 PM »
SF - count me as another supporter who hopes you hear crickets from your MLCer as this settlement comes to a close. 

I'd also be willing to help you shop for a Gucci bag or two! 

Interesting update on the 15 year MLCer attempting reconnection.   
After all, tomorrow is another day.
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BD - 1/1/16 - his 53rd birthday
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a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #36 on: May 22, 2019, 10:08:17 PM »
Late for the party as usual, but I'm following along.

Just read your history. My Goodness. I can't even.

Hope all goes well with the settlement.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
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My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10871.0

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #37 on: May 26, 2019, 05:40:12 PM »
Thanks for the replies :)


Savvy--possible this LBS started her R with this MLCer as an actual OW herself?

No KIT, the two of them were teenagers when they met and married now for about 40 years.  I think it's the reason she stands, such a long marriage before he went crazy.

Welcome PJAmes, yes it's a crazy story but so many are!

SF - count me as another supporter who hopes you hear crickets from your MLCer as this settlement comes to a close. 
 

I was definitely hoping for crickets but unfortunately, this morning comes a copy of a letter sent from xH's NEW solicitor - old one probably wasn't telling him what he wanted to hear - no idea.

This comes TWO days before settlement.  He's had a year or more to settle all of this and he waits until now >:(

He wants ME to set aside $25,000 of the proceeds from the property for capital gains tax which is an attempt to get me to pay some of his share obviously.  He has applied to the courts for a hearing tomorrow!!  Not sure if he will get it.

He also wants to be paid back for housing loan payments made after the court orders ceased but it's a ridiculous amount - only a couple of thousand dollars and the court will cost WAY more than that.

I spoke with my solicitor and said it's barely worth the trouble but in the orders he is supposed to have sold equipment from the property, shipping containers etc., and give me half of the proceeds and I haven't heard a thing.  My solicitor is phoning his to see what he's going to do and I am waiting for a call.  I also haven't been given my personal property.

Looks like I may have to represent myself in court tomorrow - GRRRRRRRRRR.

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline UnconditionalLove

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #38 on: May 26, 2019, 07:59:20 PM »
Oh no! Sorry Savoir!  Hope all goes well!
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Offline CanLetGo

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #39 on: May 26, 2019, 10:52:10 PM »
Ugh, so close, but still a twist. Can I ask why there is a capital gain - has property been rented out since you haven’t been living there? Otherwise, if it was the principal residence why is there a capital gain? Just checking he’s not being dodgy 👍
Me 45
H 49
3 young adult kids
BD December 2013, left home August 2014, D June 2018
OW 17 years younger

Offline Treasur

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #40 on: May 26, 2019, 11:08:32 PM »
Dear Savvy....well your L's instincts were right...good Lord, will he never stop being an a$$. ( I read your story from the beginning and I think your h may have been one of the worst cases of gaslighting and psychological abuse here tbh). I would guess his old L either didn't get paid or was too sane for your h in the end as you say. I am sorry. New L will have been fed new BS of course.  I am also sure that you will prevail and that your L will go for his knees like a terrier on the long list of things he hasn't done. And logically of course if there is CGT to pay, the liability will be split on the same percentage as the equity split....doesn't need a legal genius does it?  ::) I honestly think the mindf**kery kills the love and hope for their return to sanity even if we don't want to reconcile way more than any affair....

How are your kids doing?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #41 on: May 27, 2019, 12:41:57 AM »
FFS Savvy, he really is a piece of work, isn't he? 

Agree with the others... his old lawyer was either getting tired of the nonsense and fired xH as a client or was telling him that he was going to get his a$$ handed to him on a platter if he kept up the shenanigans (neither of which the Mid-Lifer is interested in hearing) and was fired... or wasn't paid and quit...

Regardless, 2 days before the settlement? And he thinks that he will get a hearing that quickly? Good luck with that...

He really seems to enjoy ....

Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #42 on: May 27, 2019, 01:14:34 AM »
My lawyer sent xH's a detailed letter regarding the orders and pointed out that xH had not complied whereas I had.  I still don't have my possessions and to be honest, it's all just 'stuff' and I have done without 'stuff' for six years now and if he has the need to keep my clothes and looks good in them ;D - let him!

The detail of  note which is very xH like is that the first letter from xH's lawyer threatening court action arrived in my lawyer's mailbox at 4:56pm on Friday night, leaving no time for a response as the office closes at 5pm, and another response to my lawyers letter which was sent today, arrived in her mailbox at 4:57pm, again playing games.

The good thing is that xH's lawyer is new to him and has no idea of the mind firetruckery xH has played in the past and the lawyer seems very junior and not particularly good at interpretation of our laws.  The second letter from xH lawyer says that all costs have to come out of the sale which clearly states in the orders to be agents and advertising fees and NOT CGT.  My lawyer points out the impossibility to calculate CGT as we are still in the current tax year and she has no idea what xh earns so cannot possibly calculate the tax when she has no information.

She also points out xh has not answered the question relating to my belongings or sale of items on the property.

Hopefully we can string this out until settlement which is in two days time.  I will phone tomorrow to find out what time settlement is and keep my fingers crossed it happens before xH explodes or goes back into court, whichever comes first.  Settlement is Wednesday and it's Monday night here!!

I can't help but think this is not so much about gaining more money this time, as he would gain VERY little - only a thousand or two at most, and have to pay lawyer, barrister and court costs.  My math says he loses.

I feel it's a loss of control thing as he begins to realize he is about to lose his precious land and any reason to contact his xwife (not so precious   ;D  ).  I really feel he is rattled and not coping and have some pity for him.  It must be costing him a lot to get a new lawyer to review the case from the beginning (six years of rubbish).

Ugh, so close, but still a twist. Can I ask why there is a capital gain - has property been rented out since you haven’t been living there? Otherwise, if it was the principal residence why is there a capital gain? Just checking he’s not being dodgy 👍

No dodgy stuff except for xH himself CLG, the property is 70 hectares, so anything over two attracts CGT.  I may have my hectares a little off but you get the gist.  I have been aware it will attract CGT but it's not part of the sale and I am dealing with this independently of xH who has no say in how much CGT I pay and if he wanted to do things this way, should have dealt with it at mediation and had it put in the orders which he didn't, so go suck eggs XH!!  Thanks for checking CLG  :-*


How are your kids doing?


Treasur,  I have no idea when he will stop being an ass and you are right about him being one of the worst gaslighters here, he is totally exhausting.  Good thing I have a sense of humor and rise above his garbage each time.  I always have a chuckle, even when the letters are full of abuse, always find the slightly funny bit.

My kids?  We will start from youngest S22 who lives with me - he is working and deciding what to study back at University as he really hasn't found his passion yet and I totally agree he has plenty of time to find himself first and heal from his father's departure before launching himself into a new study he may not love.  He is enjoying his life immensely and we get on so well.  He is such a light in my life.  He has lots of friends and seems extremely happy the way things are.

Second son S25 has finally found his passion and after completing a motor mechanics apprenticeship which has given him some good hands on experience, has decided to become a pilot and is studying at night and taking flying lessons twice a week. I hope he will stick with this as his eyes light up when he talks about is study and the flights.  He pops in occasionally but is more affected by his father's MLC than S22 and is taking time to heal.  I can see the anger in him and he is still in 'appointing blame mode' and does make some accusations against me at times which I deal with swiftly ;)  He's the one I practice my truth darts on ;D

Strangely enough it's D24's birthday today.  No such thing as a coincidence, is there?  xH chooses to make all this fuss on her birthday - weird.  I haven't seen or heard from her in five years.  I think she finished her physiotherapist course and and has a boyfriend but that's all I know.  S22 says the only way she will come back, is for me to apologize to her for all I have done, like it's all my fault as that's what she wants to hear, but I am not quite there yet and feel some anger that she sided with her father and has been very shallow.  She has what I term 'an inappropriate relationship' with her father in that she took up the role of wife following BD and was all 'touchy feely' with him and giggling, making nasty comments about me in my presence while I was walking on eggshells with xH. Takes a while for me to get over that stuff and I make no apology for not doing so as xH is still creating waves in my life and it's all I can do to deal with him at the moment.  I will deal with her later.

S26 finished his Engineering degree and hated it apparently.  I haven't seen him in the flesh for about three years as he vanished.  He did make some headway to re-connection but his father was gaslighting him very badly and S26 believed his lies and retreated.  I have no doubt he will return one day as he is a softie.  He has started a Paramedic degree which is totally suited to him.  He's amazing in a medical emergency, one of the coolest heads I have ever seen.  He is a person who can empathize with others which will help with his  healing.  He has also been horribly affected by his father's MLC and due to his soft nature, is taking a while to put things together.

There are a couple of strange things going on.  One is xH has decided to get all crazy with his lawyer on D24's birthday and the other is that the new lawyer is in my Mother's town which is not near his work or home. He had to make a special trip to see him and he is not a particularly good lawyer, so why go to the place near where he spent so much time with me?   I visited my mother from Thursday to Sunday, so I was there when he was at the lawyer's office which is a few streets from her.  Really odd stuff.

I expect there will be another lawyers letter tomorrow from xH but it might be all too late to stop the settlement. if he does that, I will not be a happy woman.  He has strung this out with stupid demands for six years and TWO days before it's all over, he decides to make a fuss. He's like a small child who just had his toy taken away.


"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #43 on: May 27, 2019, 01:24:44 AM »
Oh Ursa, how I would love to send xH that horse picture!!  I wouldn't of course but is anyone surprised xH is doing this?  Part of his MO.  I was expecting a last gasp approach and yes, he is still flogging a dead horse.

Now for the reason?  He doesn't have to have one of course because he is an entitled brat MLCer with a not so schmoopie life.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 03:59:14 AM by Savoir Faire »
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Milly

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #44 on: May 27, 2019, 11:28:09 AM »
Oh, Savvy, only in a MLC story could the stuff that is happening to you not be totally shocking, although it really is!! I so hope you get to Wednesday without your H getting a court date. I'd be surprised but I guess, best be prepared.

It's so sad to read about your kids siding with your H and having absolutely no contact with you for years. I have one of those, too. It's so unfair to have been parents all their lives, to have wiped their noses, sang them to sleep, sat up with them before their first test, held them when they were sick, and suddenly it's as if we don't have those kids any more, or ever did. We're missing all these important milestones from teens to grown ups. We don't even know where they live or what they're doing. So incredibly sad.

I'm just sending you strong and positive vibrations for Wednesday. May the house problem be over and done with, and a new, easier future be ahead.xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline in it

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #45 on: May 27, 2019, 08:23:01 PM »
As for me with my girls:

Six years ago I told the oldest in an email she needed to apologize for listening to her father in regards to trying to get a Order of Protection against me ( which was dismissed) and believing anything he says. (I was trying to leave, he knew this ).
And after what happened when I was actually leaving, there is no way back from that.

I'm not holding my breath for an apology.  I can swallow my pride and apologize to her for what I'm not sure yet. Maybe going back after the D?  The things she wrote in the order of protection were taken out of context and one thing she wrote was a flat out lie.

She was brainwashed by her father, so I'm not holding that againest her.
Again way too much of her father's influence. For way too long.

Her best move yet was to leave that house because her father is a master manipulator. So she is out of the house which will be much better for her.

If I had realized just how bad that was, how unhealthy their relationship was I would have talked to her sooner.

I think she thought her very life either depended on him or she was intimidated by him. Maybe she was afraid the same thing would happen to her that happened to me if she didn't go along with his sick warped view of things and he'd kick her out and she would have no place to go either. She was probably pretty scared and confused too.

I mean what kind of father takes their daughter to try to get an order of protection against their mother?

And her downfall was the same as mine, I had waaay to much compassion for him (oh mlc poor him!) and all that does is enable them.

She was the last one I had any trust in then he had to blow that out of the water too.

I'm sorry I have a different way of looking at this .Our children are young adults and aren't capable of understanding the complexities of a relationship. Say nothing about very little life experiance.

These grown adults on the other hand know what they are doing. They lack self control. Any sense the of themself or self awareness and a moral compass.

Sorry for the hijack Savvy what you wrote got me thinking. And sorry your ex is being an asshat.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #46 on: May 27, 2019, 10:47:48 PM »
Thanks for reading along init and no apology needed for the hijack.

Well BIG stuff happening late last night and today with xH now refusing to go to settlement if I don't allow the $25,000 to go into a trust account to pay the CGT.

My lawyer thinks he may be bluffing and I had a horrible feeling my lawyer was also trying to string this out so she gets another court date an more $$$$'s for herself.

So......I phoned my financial advisor who told me XH cannot stop settlement because he is legally bound by the contract of sale  to go ahead and the conveyancers are bound by the court orders to apportion the proceeds 50/50 and cannot withhold the money just because it doesn't suit xH  at the moment.

I actually think my lawyer is worried the conveyancer will hold the money in trust and she won't get the money she's owed from me, as legal fees come out of the settlement money.

I do feel there is a lot of shifty business and half truths being told as the lawyer was positive xH could stop settlement and both my financial advisor and the selling agent, who I also called, are positive xH cannot do this as he legally just can't.  You can't change you mind because it suddenly doesn't suit you.  The property is sold ad the transaction has to take place.

I told my lawyer to tell him no and if he doesn't like it, I will see him in court.  I don't think she was too happy but not for reasons that I might lose out, but that she does.  Not happy >:( >:(
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Treasur

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #47 on: May 27, 2019, 11:05:00 PM »
Sounds like a sane good call, Savvy. You checked it out with objective third parties and their advice makes sense. No idea why your L would see it differently other than the fact that L's tend to be cautiously negative as a species. Or some of them. I think there is an old joke about how many opinions you get if you have more than one L in a room...if things do go to court, do you have the option of using a different L or kind of L who is more experienced with property law than family law?

There is a point - maybe several points - as an LBS where we just need to say 'no more'. Sounds right to me that the agreement was made and court ordered and that your xh can't just change it bc he now doesn't like it. Other MLCers seem to have a similar attitude to the law imho but your xh has always seemed to take this approach. Trust your own gut and your now years of experience of Mr Angry A$$hat and protect your own interests as you are doing. The HS gang are with you x
« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 11:06:27 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #48 on: May 28, 2019, 05:01:40 AM »
Hang in there and let the legal contract of sale dictate the next step. In the US you need not be present at the closing for real estate as long as you have legal representation. Is it that way for you? It sounds like he might even be pulling this stunt as a last gasp measure to actually prevent the sale of his beloved property. The damage to you is possibly collateral. Remember, it´s all about them.

When they do such crazy stuff it makes your head spin trying to figure out the why. It´s just another theft of your time and emotional equanimity.

I´m sorry that you have not only lost the marriage but also the dreams that were incorporated in the purchase of the property. It´s hard to completely let go of the dreams as it was a supposed shared future. But... the crazier they act, the easier it is to want to let go and walk away if only for self-preservation.

Thinking of you,
FTT
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #49 on: May 28, 2019, 05:25:16 AM »
At the end of the day the lawyers want to get paid for an easy win right?

When stuff starts to get difficult or shifty they want to find the easiest way to get it over with and still get paid.

Great idea to phone the third party, and I hope it all works out for you.
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #50 on: May 28, 2019, 05:28:17 AM »
Quote
She has what I term 'an inappropriate relationship' with her father in that she took up the role of wife following BD and was all 'touchy feely' with him and giggling, making nasty comments about me in my presence while I was walking on eggshells with xH.

I've seen this in person with a family a few years back. It was so clearly inappropriate and a way for the ruthless father to alienate his then wife from her family. The father was 52, having an affair and in MLC. No surprise there. My xH and I talked about it while shaking our heads since it was unbelievable to see. That daughter, almost 20 years later became the OW to my xH (also unbelievable, I know).

I am so glad the sale is finally going through. Your xH is sending out a last desperate grasp for control because it's been about control the entire time and he's about to lose control. Kudos to you for talking to your financial planner and realtor to find out that the sale can go through and to tell your xH, "see you in court".


Offline in it

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #51 on: May 28, 2019, 05:49:32 AM »
I thought the same way too Reinventing.

When what they are doing doesn't make any sense..it's all about control.

Very wise of you Savvy to make a few phone calls to find out if he could stop the sale.
« Last Edit: May 28, 2019, 06:12:05 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #52 on: May 28, 2019, 06:02:56 PM »
Thank you all for the support over the past few days, it's been emotionally exhausting and I really didn't know who to trust as even my lawyer seemed not to be on my side.  She was quite happy to let me put $25,000 into an account and for me not to see what happened to that money for about a year.  It's also money I don't have to pay at all, it what xH wants.  It was after speaking with my financial advisor that I realized it's actually xH's debt and I was willing to pay half because I have some integrity and he doesn't.  More on that later.

The settlement should go through in about 30 minutes although my lawyer rang and said "Anything could happen before that" and I said it wouldn't and left it at that.  They act as if they control everything and they actually don't, the conveyancers are in control of settlement along with the purchasers representatives.  The whole legal aspect leaves me cold.

I will be very glad when this is over and if it doesn't wake xH up, nothing will.  The land was always his biggest love and if the loss doesn't shake him, he will probably stay in the fog forever.

Mort, I am not sure if the lawyers want an easy win, I have never been able to read the way she thinks and haven't felt very protected by her most of the time.

FTT, yes the legals take care of this, neither xH or I have to be present, everything is signed.  Thank God for that, I couldn't stand being in a room with xH right now.

Reinventing, I hope my D doesn't end up being an ow, but it would be easy to see how she could.  I often wonder if she feels a bit stupid after the way she acted but I am sure, like xH, she has been able to twist the story to her liking.

I still wonder if xH will take me back to court for some of the Capital Gains Tax.  Time will tell like it always has during this mess.

I do have a strange feeling I haven't seen the last of xH and even my Mother said he just can't let go and she barely knows anything about what has transpired as I don't burden her with it.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline in it

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #53 on: May 28, 2019, 06:12:57 PM »
Waiting to hear what the outcome is.
Praying for you Savvy.
If you could only get rid of him and enjoy some peace for a while it would be a good thing.
Stay strong ((hugs))
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online OffRoad

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #54 on: May 28, 2019, 08:27:39 PM »
Standing here, waiting to find out the outcomes, and giving you virtual hugs. You really cannot make this stuff up.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Treasur

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #55 on: May 28, 2019, 11:41:12 PM »
I am praying for you Savvy that it all goes through fine and you get a break from xh's crazy nasty for a while. Some peace, calm and sunshine. X
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Still Half full

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #56 on: May 28, 2019, 11:49:47 PM »
Thinking of you Savvy, I hope it goes through

It must be exhausting, your MLCer really is exasperating and it’s awful that you don’t feel supported by your lawyer, that you have to check with other professionals ( your financial advisor ) to confirm the legalities seems ridiculous, your lawyer should be protecting and fighting for you  >:(

It does feel like MLCH just can’t let you go, I would love to be able to hear what he says to himself to justify his continued weird, combative behaviour

Stay strong, hoping things go smoothly and the sale goes through 🤞
At BD June 2015
Me - 49
MLCH - 50
No children, unfortunately
OW - yes
Together 26 years, married 23
BD - told him to leave, OW left her H, they ran away together
Nov 2015 - H left OW as he wanted to return, lived locally while we tried
April 2016 - told him it wasn't working
Aug 2016 - H living with ow again
MLC H - not quite a vanishers, more a Hider, very little contact

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #57 on: May 28, 2019, 11:53:56 PM »
Settlement went through!!!

Thank you init and OR for thinking of me :-*

My solicitor phoned to tell me and we are both hesitant to celebrate too much because xH could easily be bringing some court action to recover some of the Capital Gains Tax but I am told he might have a lot of trouble doing so because the orders about 'who gets what' were finalized at mediation in December 2017.  He would have to ask for an amendment and have good reason.  Any judge would be asking why he waited almost two years to bring the subject up when he knew there was Capital Gains payable upon sale way back in 2015.

But, as we know, anything is possible with xH and unfortunately I have come to expect the worst from him because he's been consistently nasty.  Lawyer said all of his letters were irrational and he made some ridiculous claims about me which were unfounded and a judge would look at that unfavorably.  He also earns 4-5 times what I do, so there would be a reason for me to have the judge revisit the soundness of the 50/50 split.  Going back to court could be a very bad move on xH's part and could have a positive outcome for me.

So that's it folks.  Everything should be over now and I can gain some peace in my life without worrying constantly about lawyers letters from xH which have been streaming in for the past three years (maybe ::) )

There is a sadness of course for me that it's over and I will never be able to visit our property again or see the place  our children grew up but for xH it's more than that.  He made us a promise to build our home and protect us forever, it was his life's dream to do this for all of us.  The fact that he not only failed to deliver the house and it still stands partially built, but he got rid of his wife and essentially his children for the life he lives now with the ow, which in contrast is pretty dismal.  Xh hates the towns and only ever wanted to live in the country with the sounds of birds and the peaceful atmosphere.  He wanted to be able to look out over the hills and know he'd made a good job of his life for himself and his family. That's the reason he should at this time be feeling very depressed and hopefully IF he finally does feel something, he come to realize that all he had was all he ever needed.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #58 on: May 28, 2019, 11:59:24 PM »
SHF, I was typing at the same time you were.  Thanks for your support and as you will read, settlement did happen.  If xH could have stopped it, he would and for no good reason except he just can't let go.

I am still miffed about my lawyer not giving me good advice where my financial advisor was clear and his advice comes for free, the lawyer charges like a wounded bull!!

I hope xH is feeling bad tonight about losing everything and I am hoping and praying it is the case.  Surely he has to wake up sometime!!  The weather is absolutely dismal, raining and thunder.  I hope it adds to the grayness in his mind as he reflects on what he's done to his family.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Treasur

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #59 on: May 29, 2019, 12:02:32 AM »
That is great news, Savvy....hurrah!
Understandable too that your emotions are mixed...what it used to represent for you and your family vs the terrible post BD horrors that kept you almost trapped there for a while.
I suspect you are right that in time it may turn out to not feel so great for your xh bc of everything the land represents...but of course that is his struggle to balance if he ever stops to look in the mirror at his life.

At least a small celebration today I hope  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #60 on: May 29, 2019, 12:33:22 AM »
That the settlement went through is GREAT news Savvy.

One thing that confuses me though... Your Lawyer tells you that "all of his letters were irrational and he made some ridiculous claims about me which were unfounded and a judge would look at that unfavorably. " but yet she wanted to accede to his demands? That does adds up like 2+3=hot chicken dinner....

Since the odds are against him in court, if he decides to keep playing, it might be time to get a new lawyer and go after recovery of court costs when he looses... Sometimes, being painfully 2x4'd in the wallet is the only way they learn....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
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S - 12
D - 8
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #61 on: May 29, 2019, 02:22:19 AM »
What a relief, savvy -- I'm glad it all went through.  And I'm sorry about the other shenanigans, I think you are dealing with it all brilliantly.

Isn't it somewhat amazing how good we become at dealing with the complete ridiculousness of it all?


Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #62 on: May 29, 2019, 03:20:25 AM »
Thanks to all for reading the news.  Mixed emotions for sure, so maybe a celebration tomorrow when I'm not feeling so raw.  S22 and I have decided to cook up a storm for dinner and cook together to make it special.  S22 has been staying close today and has been particularly sweet.  So Treasur, come on over for a delicious meal if you're in the area ;)  Anyone else want to come on over?  You are most welcome.

Ursa, my lawyer is ridiculously cautious and seems to me to prefer giving in to fighting as she appears not to like conflict. If he does ever take me back to court, a new lawyer is definitely in order.  I would get the nastiest one available, one who costs a lot and gets results.  I would never have said that a couple of years ago but my lawyer's attitude has made me see that the passive approach doesn't work and if I hadn't pushed her hard, I could have ended up homeless.  She never once gave me advice, just handed me all the options and asked me to choose which is almost impossible when I was feeling overwhelmed and emotional and trying to keep myself together.



Isn't it somewhat amazing how good we become at dealing with the complete ridiculousness of it all?



Yes it is T&L, after the first few terrible letters from xH's lawyer, I began to see the funny side of his claims.  It helped me keep myself together.  I found compassion and humor got me through.  Even now when I think of him, I send love and light to a man who is so obviously struggling.  No sane person makes the claims he did and is able to look at himself in the mirror each day without cringing.

My story was one of Xh changing from a great man into the worst possible, and I was known as Summer90 here on the forum at the beginning.  When I read my story from my absolute beginning, even I shake my head at his aggressiveness and the way I just kept plugging on under extreme monster.  I was incredibly determined not to let him beat me.  I was definitely a prisoner in my own home but never showed him any weakness and he hated that. Some of the escapes I did with little outside help were pretty amazing even if I do say so myself.  My xH was a lucky man to have me even then, as I never gave up on his ability to heal and be good again.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline in it

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #63 on: May 29, 2019, 03:33:51 AM »
Fantastic Savvy!!

Now if there is a next time  find yourself one of THE most ruthless, vicious, shark's of a lawyer you can find.

You need one that will fight for you and your own best interests.

You cannot gain any ground or put a end to his ridiculous antics with a conflict avoider for a lawyer.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #64 on: May 29, 2019, 07:55:34 AM »
Savvy, that is a huge relief. Yes, some time of no contact for you to heal. Many on this site have talked about the huge difference of feeling more certain about their finances and not being attached to monster for their financial security.

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #65 on: May 29, 2019, 08:12:25 AM »
Great news :)

You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Mitzpah

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #66 on: May 29, 2019, 08:33:59 AM »
I suspect you are now fast asleep on the excellent dinner you and your son cooked together.

Congratulations on the deal going through. Again, I really hope this is the end of arguments. I find it curious that you consider your lawyer to be a conflict avoider, I suspect she is just lazy and is after easy money for less effort. I have yet to meet a lawyer who is a conflict avoider :P

I hope you are able to think forward now and make yourself the best life possible - as for him, who knows and really, it is his business, right?

Hugs
M 57
H 57
S 27
S 25
D 24
BD 13 Dec 2010
Divorced 27 Feb 2015 (30 years marriage)

"For I know the plans I have for you," declares the LORD, "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future" Jeremiah 29:11

Offline in it

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #67 on: May 29, 2019, 08:39:20 AM »
Well whatever that lawyers issues are she doesn't belong being a divorce lawyer. Could be she's just lazy and looking to make money the easy way. She's doing a disservice to her clients.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #68 on: May 29, 2019, 08:56:02 AM »
Hi Savvy, just catching up.

Great news!  I hope this is all over for you now. 

Yes I expect at some point your H will have a lot of regret, but not your circus.  You played fair.

BTW, my H had a lawyer like yours too.  Did nothing to help him.  But he choose to stay with him, so it was an advantage to me.

Hugs
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Milly

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #69 on: May 29, 2019, 09:33:10 AM »
Savvy was the house contract today? I hope it went smoothly. Xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline in it

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #70 on: May 29, 2019, 09:43:18 AM »
I'll pass this along Savvy. I have a friend who's  abusive ex BF ( they had two children together, she left him) kept dragging her into court over nothing. So this is what her and her lawyer did and he stopped taking her to court.

If he starts with court again tell your lawyer to tell him if he takes you to court over something unreasonable and he loses . (Doesn't get what he thinks he ought to ). Make him aware he's going to pay for your lawyer and court costs. This might help put an end to this.

Start 2' by 4'ing his wallet like Ursa said. I like that phrase Ursa. (I just said the same thing Ursa pretty much did.)
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #71 on: May 29, 2019, 11:40:31 AM »
Sweet sad relief. Oh that you are now untied financially from Mr. Off the Rails! You will recover faster now that this chapter has ended. Hopefully any residual nuttiness is taken out on ow.

You will likely realize just how much stress and anxiety the whole real estate deal was causing now that it is over. Shiatsu massage might be just the ticket for letting it go from your body.

Hugs from across the pond,
FTT
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #72 on: May 29, 2019, 12:14:04 PM »
Savvy--I'm so happy the settlement went through. But I definitely understand the bittersweet nature of this particular victory. Seems to be somewhat of a theme here doesn't it?

Not sure what jurisdiction you are in, but here CG  is a personal tax. So really each person pays their own out of what is received.  It doesn't come off the top, unless there is a mandatory withholding, which in this case, there was not. It would be a massive uphill battle for him to try to get that, and he would likely lose. But I am praying that God gives him the good sense to LET IT GO this time.

And of course praying for you my friend, that amidst this latest development you are able to find peace. Your cooking-fest with S22 sounds like perfection. I love to cook--well, mostly I just sit at the kitchen counter drinking wine while my friends do the cooking. But I sure love it! ;)
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Anjae

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #73 on: May 29, 2019, 01:41:05 PM »
Glad the settlement went through.

Regarding lawyer, some lawyers are very cautious. Anyway, usually, cautious or not cautious lawyer, it all comes down to the judge. At least here.

As for expecting that the sell of the land may wake Mr Savy or make him change, I would say, no expectations. He may be more likely to run to court again than to start looking inside, however, who knows.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline UnconditionalLove

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #74 on: May 29, 2019, 06:14:57 PM »
Way to Go Savior! I know it’s mixed emotions and it will be for awhile as you rethink everything but you are one step closer to having everything over and moving forward to JOY!
God is with her, she will not fall
Psalms 46:5
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Offline Milly

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #75 on: May 30, 2019, 12:51:20 AM »
Savvy, just realized, I missed a really important chunk of your thread. I'm so pleased your house sale has gone through and now your H can't put any more obstacles in your path. This is wonderful and congratulations.

I'm sure it's a mixed bag of emotions, for your H, too, I would imagine. It is huge to have to let go of the family home, and the property that symbolized so many of your joined dreams. But it was now being used to punch you with, so might as well have no more legal letters.

I feel that this opens a whole new chapter for you. One that is totally about you. Big hugs.xxx

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #76 on: May 30, 2019, 04:26:40 AM »
Attaching savvy xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #77 on: May 31, 2019, 03:52:56 AM »
So lovely to come back and see all your lovely posts, you're a special lot :-*

S22 and I had a lovely dinner, he is aware settlement went through but I don't think he understands exactly how final that is and there is no need to fill in the details.

I feel ok about it all.  Still a little worried xH may find another reason to take me to court, but for now I can let him take out his frustration on ow, hope he's mighty frustrated ;D

I bet ow will be telling xH how lucky he is to be rid of me and I do hope they have a horrible few days, or months or longer.

KIT, you are right Capital Gains is a personal tax issue.  Ever since the beginning of the financial split, I was always factoring in how much I would need to pay, it was never an issue BUT.... when we purchased the property way back in 1993, the home we were living in at the time was in my name and XH put the land which we just sold, into his name.  It was a tax issue at the time. We sold the house in my name to build our dream home and it remained in his name.  When I spoke with my financial advisor the other day before settlement, he told me "Let go of doing the right thing, it's his debt, you don't have to pay a cent, it's in his name"  He's right, I actually don't have to pay CGT, I was just trying to do the right thing and pay my share.  Since xH has possibly sold all the stuff on the land he was told to on the Court Orders, he was supposed to give me half but didn't.  I now don't feel I have to pay any of his debts as he's been so horrible and not allowed me to see my own home for six years now. The new owner got something I never did - THE KEYS!!  What a fiasco that has been.  I've probably paid thousands in legal letters asking for access and he never gave it to me, so now he can have the debt, and I'm feeling ok about it!!

I'm going to sit with everything that's happened for a while and make some decisions for the future when I've had time away from legal letters.  I really could do with a break. There is absolutely no reason for xH to bother me now and I bet that bothers him, he seemed to take great pleasure in thinking I was squirming each time another letter arrived.  I am free!!!!

I want to thank you all again for your amazing support over the past few days, it was a worrying time with potentially more court time looming.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline forthetrees

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #78 on: May 31, 2019, 04:19:54 AM »
I can see how you´d want to be fair about the CGT and yet...
Humans can rationalize anything.
He did not uphold his end of the court order.
He had access to legal and financial advice.
It´s not your fault that he did not connect the dots and realize that the property being in his name would generate 100% of the tax in his name.
In the end this was a business transaction and the dissolution of a contract. Each party was responsible for knowing and protecting their own interests. It was not your responsibility to point out consequences for him.

He made his bed and now he has to lie in it.

If you need further reasons to feel ok about it, add up all your legal fees and they may very well equal the tax amount. I figure that since the MLCer brings costs upon the LBS it´s fine for them to bear a chunk of them.
me 51
H 51
M 27
BD 1/15/ 10 then BD 8/21/10
D final 8/13

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #79 on: May 31, 2019, 06:24:35 PM »
Thanks FTT, I understand completely that he had choices and access to all the information he needed. 

My legal fees were four times the amount of CGT because of his  constant nasty legal letters which my lawyer had to answer.  I feel more able to rationalize my reason for not paying each time I think of the trouble  and money he's caused me. We also had to get a mediator who cost way more than anyone else because my barrister saw the crazy in xH's lawyers letters.

I also had to give into selling our property at a lower price because of legal action xH threatened and the crazy amount it would have cost me to fight him.

The more I think about it, the happier I am to allow him to pay - it's karma for him as my intentions were totally pure during all negotiations and I never told a lie about his character whereas he told many horrible lies which still affect me to this day.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline in it

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #80 on: May 31, 2019, 06:35:25 PM »
Exactly Savvy so guess what?
You have nothing to feel guilty about.
You can walk away from this guilt free
You did your best, tried to do what was right. You had to focus on yourself and your own best interest.That's not being selfish after everything you have been through with the ex for years.

You had no ulterior motives, stayed true to yourself. Had the intergrity to do that.

It's called standing up for yourself. :)
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online OffRoad

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #81 on: May 31, 2019, 08:35:51 PM »
As a thought, can you contact the new owners, explain that some of your things might be there, and request they contact you if the find them?

I am so glad this is over for you and sad for you at the same time. :'(
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #82 on: May 31, 2019, 11:19:38 PM »
Thanks init and OR, I'm glad I've stood up for myself during this, I could have become a blithering mess but decided against it for reasons of survival.  I think init will remember the early days when I was called Summer90,  most who were posting here were begging me to get out of H's way before he killed me.  I'm a long way from that woman.

OR, the new owner is a charity.  The land is 200 acres with a partially built 'dream home' and the granny flat we were living in. All my stuff was probably in the three shipping containers which xH either sold to the new owner or left there.  I suppose he would have cleared out the place before settlement as it would have been part of the contract.  Maybe all my stuff is in his garage that he shares with ow, I honestly don't know.  I haven't seen it for six years now, so it probably doesn't matter if I never see it again.  I actually don't care much, as long as ow isn't enjoying my stuff, I'm ok with it all.

Maybe xH will feel the urge to give it back to me one day.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Treasur

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #83 on: June 01, 2019, 12:07:38 AM »
I first virtually met you as Savvy and found some your xh's relentless legal folderol exhausting to even read let alone cope with as you did.
But until I read your summer90 threads, I had no idea what you had survived through to get to Savvy. Or the effect on your kids.  Imho one of the worst examples of scary nasty mental abuse....you are quite right that you have come far and it is good to hear that you know that bc you worked very hard and pulled rabbits out of hats for a long time to get to where you are now. You are, as Milly is according to a judge  :) truly 'lodevole'
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #84 on: June 01, 2019, 04:33:20 AM »
Thanks so much Treasur, I do feel lodevole :)

My days of Summer90 were tough.  The story of Savoir Faire in the very beginning  is fictitious. I became suspicious that then H knew what I was about to do for around a month and thought he had found me on HS but wasn't sure until he threatened me saying "You had better not be putting anything about me on websites because I will (insert threat). I knew he was reading when he told me something I had only put on HS and contacted OP who kept an eye on our IP address to see if H had started a thread of his own.

As the years went on, I no longer cared if H read or not and asked for the threads to be merged but apparently that's not possible and Summer90 remains under her name.  Much of the violent nature of H is on those threads and my plans to escape with S22 who was 17 back then.  I didn't spend my days just walking on eggshells, I was constantly vigilant and made sure I was never in a position without an escape.

I remember sitting on my bed at night, with H outside the door on a mattress, just leaving my curtains open and looking at the stars.  I had the most beautiful view, as the house was on a hill and the second level was almost open to the sky, really beautiful. I made sure to give thanks for the stars and to feel gratitude for all I had and they were my darkest hours.  I survived those days and believe that H reading my plans actually forced him to leave as he knew I was going to run before him if he didn't.  It was such a relief when he left.......
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline in it

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #85 on: June 01, 2019, 05:13:36 AM »
Yes I remember you as Summer90.
And that's another thing you and I have in common the ex still has all of my things too. Or maybe not.

Not worth my life to try to get them back.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #86 on: June 02, 2019, 04:21:07 AM »
Something that happened a week ago just before all this drama with XH threatening to take me back to court was that I had a PRIMARY/ELEMENTARY school reunion!!  I hadn't seen these people since I was 12 years old!!

We got together at a venue close to my mother's place as that's where I went to school!!  My Mother waited up for me ;D

It was like going on a first date, I was soooo nervous, my Mother thought I might back out but I was determined to have a good time.

Everyone looked older of course but the thing that struck me most was that no-one has changed their core personality. No surprise there I suppose, but it reminded me how we are always the core person. The school clown was still the clown, the empath still the same.  Everyone of those wonderful people hasn't changed a bit, same values, same personality traits.  The ones with high morals, still had them.

It showed me how far off track any person in MLC is.  None of these people were in MLC, I would have seen it a mile away.  They were too 'normal' - no trying to be better than they were, no sleazy gestures like MLCers and no trying to hit on the opposite sex.  They were way too relaxed and happy, that's something an MLCer can't do - even though H was having an affair and should have been happy because he was in lurve ::) , he looked miserable and it wasn't just me who saw it.  Mask/act, call it whatever you like but you can't fake happiness, it comes from within.

We all swapped telephone numbers and are going to have a girls get together in a few months. We were a remarkably cohesive group, the happiest in the school.  I had a very blessed childhood and seeing these people again cemented that I hadn't dreamed all of this, it's actually real ;D  I also met up with my bestie and we laughed so hard at the things we used to do and reminisced about how life was so easy back then.   All our parents stayed married, we had not one divorce in our school.  Must be something in the water ;)
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #87 on: June 02, 2019, 04:32:48 AM »
That's incredible. Not one divorce. Surely a new record?
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #88 on: June 03, 2019, 03:58:03 AM »
Thanks Mort :)

It's my second Son's birthday today, the one who has been reconnecting.  I got him a small gift and he's coming around on Wednesday, as he's at night-school the next couple of nights.  He's 25 years old today, he was 19 when H hot crisis, goodness the time has gone quickly!!

I had a funny conversation with S22 today. A real Gen Y problem ;D He had a form to fill in and post and a return envelope wasn't included.  He was totally lost!  When I told him he'd need an envelope and stamp he was overwhelmed - never had to do this before.  Needed to know where you get those things?  I helped out a bit and told him he'd have to post it.  He asked me if he had to put it in one of those big red boxes with the slots and if so, what if the box had two slots!!  ;D ;D  made me realize how old fashioned his poor old mother is - I used to post my Mother's letters as a child and loved doing it.  Seems it's out of style now ::)

Makes me realize how different things are today.  I hope S22 found the right red box, I will have to ask him ;D
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Milly

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #89 on: June 03, 2019, 02:22:08 PM »
That's cute, Savvy. Makes it sound like Trumpton.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #90 on: June 03, 2019, 03:41:41 PM »
I remember Summer90, but didn't recall it was you.

Not a single divorce at school? That is something. Doubt there is a single class, let alone school, here without a few divoces.

The people who meet where you they used to be, but do you know if any of them have had a MLC? After MLC people tend to go back to normal.

In my world things are a little different, several people changed, mostly for the better, and are not who they were when young. The ones in MLCer, well ... we all know how those ones are. 
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #91 on: June 03, 2019, 08:02:17 PM »
Yes Milly, a lot like Trumpton ;D


The people who meet where you they used to be, but do you know if any of them have had a MLC? After MLC people tend to go back to normal.


None of them had MLC's, some of the girls have been in constant contact.  All the guys are still married and full of fun.  It's nice to see men have a good time.  I am so used to xh who is just a misery, almost forgot how guys look when they are being normal humans.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Anjae

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #92 on: June 04, 2019, 02:57:48 PM »
Glad to know none of them has had a MLC. Men are amazing. MLCers, male of female, the opposite. Nothing like being around normal people for us to be even more sure our once normal spouse is not an alien. Or as your thread title says, someone we used to know.

Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #93 on: June 04, 2019, 03:05:43 PM »

I had a funny conversation with S22 today. A real Gen Y problem ;D He had a form to fill in and post and a return envelope wasn't included.  He was totally lost!  When I told him he'd need an envelope and stamp he was overwhelmed - never had to do this before.  Needed to know where you get those things?  I helped out a bit and told him he'd have to post it.  He asked me if he had to put it in one of those big red boxes with the slots and if so, what if the box had two slots!!  ;D ;D  made me realize how old fashioned his poor old mother is - I used to post my Mother's letters as a child and loved doing it.  Seems it's out of style now ::)

This had me laughing out loud.  Strange to think that his generation has no idea what life was like before smartphones......

It's funny, I just realized your title is something I say all the time about my H. Seems such an odd reality for someone we were so close to once upon a time right?  But now truly, we don't know them at all.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Reinventing

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #94 on: June 04, 2019, 04:10:39 PM »
Quote
I'm a long way from that woman.

Yes you are. It was understandable where you were coming from and given the abuse of your xH.

However, you are a long way from that woman. You have been, and continue to be resourceful and can tell your xH, "take me to court" when he huffs and puffs and threatens to blow your house away.
« Last Edit: June 04, 2019, 04:11:59 PM by Reinventing »

Offline Treasur

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #95 on: June 05, 2019, 12:34:42 AM »
Yes Milly, a lot like Trumpton ;D


The people who meet where you they used to be, but do you know if any of them have had a MLC? After MLC people tend to go back to normal.


None of them had MLC's, some of the girls have been in constant contact.  All the guys are still married and full of fun.  It's nice to see men have a good time.  I am so used to xh who is just a misery, almost forgot how guys look when they are being normal humans.

Gosh, that rang a bell Savvy. I am still at the stage of being slightly thrown albeit in a nice way when I hang around with normal people who are not crazy, nasty, irrational or surreal. Just normal mid range of the normal human bell curve right?  Nice to remember that there are lots of them and we used to be one and can be one again  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #96 on: June 05, 2019, 02:30:16 AM »
Thanks Anjae, KIT, Reinventing and Treasur,

One thing I didn't mention about the reunion night is that these guys from Primary School are about the same age as xH but xH looks about 10 years older.  To be fair, xH looks similar to what he did before he left us but he began ageing quickly before he left.  I kept looking at my old schoolmates and realized how old xH was looking.  I'd had no-one to compare with until then.  XH is an old man and these guys looked and ACTED younger.  They had life in them, whereas  xH looks dead.

Another update, while I was typing the above paragraph, MIL phoned me!!

I haven't spoken to her for almost five years!!  She's itching to spill the beans on xH and the ow ;D  We spoke for a few minutes but her other phone rang, so she had to go.  She wants me to meet her for coffee next week.  Apparently she's not supposed to because xH told her she is forbidden to talk with me ::)  She says he isn't going to tell her what to do!!  Tee Hee........

The reason MIL phoned is because S25 dropped in for his birthday tonight and I had baked him a cheesecake.  He told me he'd promised his grandmother he would call into her too, so he took the cheesecake to her house and offered her a slice.  I asked him to say hello to her which has given her an excuse to get in touch.  It feels a bit surreal really.  She used to be MIL and we would talk about the kids and the future - mine and xH's of course.  Now shes XMIL and there is no 'us'.  It will be super interesting to see what she has to say.  I really have little use for information on ow and although it may be fleetingly interesting, I would rather not know too much.  The thing I want to know is why the children don't get in touch and I bet she has some information on that!!  Wonder if it has anything to do with someone called XH - lying cow he is....

Thing I have to keep in mid is that he is still her son and I am Xwife.  I don't know if she knows we are divorced.  I will be careful what I say and she is 90 years old, she doesn't need to know what her son has done.
« Last Edit: June 05, 2019, 02:33:52 AM by Savoir Faire »
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline in it

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #97 on: June 05, 2019, 02:40:32 AM »
My my Savvy..interesting turn of events.
So you wouldn't reveal what has gone on due to her age?
Or you just think she wouldn't believe you?
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #98 on: June 05, 2019, 02:46:01 AM »
Have to agree with the aging thing. My h initially lost a lot of weight and looked like a frightened anxious boy...within maybe 6 months or so, he aged ten years at least. A recent photo shows that looks like it is still the case, maybe worse. Grey, overweight, almost unrecognisable, as you say no life in them. I would imagine it is a function of internal stress and external lifestyle. To be fair, I looked like a grey gaunt zombie for about a year!

Well, interesting that your Xmil reached out, Savvy. Sounds as if you are open to some contact and feel relaxed about it but are also sensibly cautious. As you say, even if it just gives you a window on your kids lives (and I'm so sorry, I can't even imagine how painful that has been) perhaps it will serve a purpose. Who knew that good things could come from a small slice of cheesecake? Must be great cheescake  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #99 on: June 05, 2019, 03:05:34 AM »
Interesting that MIL's comment was "He's not going to tell me what to do" and that xH has "forbidden" her to talk to you.... I feel that house of cards he has built shaking a bit....

As for the cheesecake... I guess it gives a whole new dimension to "cake eating" doesn't it?  (I know, if I don't end up in Hades for my snarky comments sometimes, it will be for my horrible puns....)
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #100 on: June 05, 2019, 03:15:04 AM »
My my Savvy..interesting turn of events.
So you wouldn't reveal what has gone on due to her age?
Or you just think she wouldn't believe you?

Bit of both init. xH's mother is so like the Queen of England. She even won a look-alike contest when she was a child.  She talks like her  and acts like her.  Very stuffy and 'proper'. she is a MASSIVE conflict avoider, so I don't see anything good can come from telling her too much.  Maybe a few truth darts ;) I would come off looking like the bitter woman scorned if I dd that and I flatly refuse to be that or stoop to those levels. She won't believe me if I take things too far.  Would anyone believe my story if they hadn't read it day by day here?  We all know what we go through and the reasons, but others see a marriage break down, not a MLC.  There is no way she thinks her son is mentally off balance, especially if she is the cause!

Treasur, hopefully it is great cheesecake, I didn't have a slice, I did lick the spoon before it went into the oven though and it was smashing! Funny thing is, I was looking for a recipe for Manhattan Cheesecake and cursing the internet for not having ONE decent recipe, when it suddenly hit me that it's New York Cheesecake!!  ;D My cheesecake used to bring lots of people together, so I'm not at all surprised.  At least I can cook, ow can't boil water.

Maybe MIL can be the bridge to bringing the family together, she was never good at it before. I shudder now when I think of how she used to phone me and TELL me when we were  going to her place for dinner and what to cook for it!!  She has to be seen to be believed.  My MIL and I always got on fine even though I never particularly liked her as a person.  Now I know why!  It was definitely the damage she did to H. She knows I am honest and kind and that doesn't change.  Her son was a good man once too.  I wonder if she sees the madness. He's the Price Charles to the Queen.  OW is Camilla - ewwwwww.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #101 on: June 05, 2019, 03:19:51 AM »
I was typing while you were posting Ursa.....Laughing so hard, you are the king of puns, snark and sarcasm.........

H's house of cards has a joker in it I believe?
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #102 on: June 05, 2019, 01:21:49 PM »
Oh boy Savvy!! If MIL reached out after 5 years and is just aching to tell you something about OW, you KNOW it cannot be anything good or nice about her.  ;D

Verrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrry interesting indeed.

Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #103 on: June 06, 2019, 12:32:31 AM »
Not really sure what MIL thinks of ow she didn't articulate that part and her other phone rang as she was going to tell me the juicy stuff, only agreed with me that everyone else hates her. I have heard she doesn't let her in the house but that's MIL's MO, she is always banning people for totally stupid reasons usually,  she's as naive as H. Hasn't a clue how the world really works, thinks it revolves around her.  She's interesting to study. True narcissist, only uses people for what she can get and has no feelings for anyone but herself.  She pretends she does, but I could see by her facial expressions she was acting  because she's incapable of true feeling.  FIL was a true sweetie and xH was more like him in many ways but he can't he;p but be shaped by MIL as well of course, she did most of the parenting. XH's grandparents had a big role in his upbringing as they lived on the same property in another house.

The thing she said with is interesting in a MLC sense, is that H doesn't contact her.  Now, that's nothing too new, as he didn't like contacting her much when we were married, but he did it out of duty, the family are VERY duty bound.  See the similarity to the royals?  The thing is he doesn't contact her or the children much but does the dutiful stuff like celebrating birthdays, Easter and Christmas but I know that's all to show other people he 'cares'.  He'd rather be at home. I was married to him for 30 years, leopards don't change their spots.  So now xH has essentially taken the role MIL used to have of organizing everyone into doing what she wanted.  It's all for show and so she can tell all her friends, ans she does. Now xH does too!!  Sweet ::)

ow has a mother apparently who ow visits 'twice a week' and she lives in a suburb which most people call 'undesirable'.  I bet MIL doesn't like that! I find it interesting she visits twice a week because according to the guy who was following her, she is out of town most weeks.  One or the other but not both.

I will wait for MIL to call me, she said she would and I will give her that chance but I am no all that interested.  For some reason I feel meting with her will put me off reconciling with xH!!  No idea where that thought came from but it's there!
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline in it

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #104 on: June 06, 2019, 03:29:09 AM »
The family does things out of obligation. It's all for appearences. No true emotion involved in it. Except maybe guilt.
 All sounds quite stuffy.

If this woman is and has been that sheltered and self centered. I guess you are going to have to let her do all the talking.

Sweetie it's gonna be quite a while if your ex makes any moves to reconcile. Don't give him the excuse it was an MLC. He's been quite vile.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #105 on: June 06, 2019, 03:38:27 AM »
The family does things out of obligation. It's all for appearences. No true emotion involved in it. Except maybe guilt.
 All sounds quite stuffy.

If this woman is and has been that sheltered and self centered. I guess you are going to have to let her do all the talking.

Sweetie it's gonna be quite a while if your ex makes any moves to reconcile. Don't give him the excuse it was an MLC. He's been quite vile.

Is "quite a while" like "when pigs fly?"

Seriously, with his shenanigans, would you really WANT to? I see it as starting a new R with a different person because the H that was, was and is no more.... but that would imply he has done his work, wrestled with his demons and won, and gotten his head out of his.... fog....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline in it

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #106 on: June 06, 2019, 04:50:24 AM »
Yeah when pigs fly sounds good.
Savvy you deserve better
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online Mortesbride

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #107 on: June 08, 2019, 01:00:43 PM »
Why am I so excited to hear the gossip that has her crawling back after 5 years? lol
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #108 on: June 13, 2019, 01:10:43 AM »
It's been several days and no communication from MIL.  This is typical of her.  She gets an adrenaline rush and gets in touch, then gets cold feet at the thought of having to phone me again.  She previously insisted during our marriage that H& I  phone her, as she is the 'Mother' and should be respected.  The truth is, (other than being entitled) that she's quite a nervous woman and the thought of lifting a phone terrifies her.  She doesn't know what to say when she rings and usually began with something like "Well, I thought I'd phone you because if I waited for you, I'd be waiting a very long time". 

If she does gain the courage to phone, I will meet but not give her any information, it's obvious she is trying to get something out of me. She always has an agenda.  She used to summon us to dinner if she needed something fixed in the house and then guilt H into doing it because using the excuse she 'did everything for him'.  She sure did do everything for him. She sent him into a horrible MLC which is most of her doing because she was a very bad mother indeed.

When H first started his crisis, I gave her some information about MLC and I am pretty sure she read about the FOO issues and feels responsible. My intention wasn't to blame her at the time but I wasn't very well read on the MLC saga and thought she would find the information interesting.  I bet she's got that head of hers firmly stuck in her bucket of sand when it comes to any responsibility.

The other thing I've remembered is, she made me promise not to tell the children she called me in case the information gets back to xh and he is angry. Scared of her own son?  I can see that if xH ever comes out of the fog, that getting as far away from this woman as possible would be a very good thing to do.  She's poison.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Silver

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #109 on: June 13, 2019, 01:24:15 AM »
So she seems to be, Savvy  :( A real martyr too.
People that base their whole attitude to life projecting their blame and using guilt as a communication or to get what they want are just heavy.
Unfortunately it seems to be common when listening to people's stories about their childhood. That's what therapies are much all about, trying to fix that IMHO.



"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Treasur

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #110 on: June 13, 2019, 01:37:06 AM »
Well, if she is poison Savvy, perhaps it will be better for you to let the relationship disappear completely? And to refuse to lie to your children if they ask you bc after all, her fear of her son's reaction is not your business is it? Whereas the trust and respect in your relationship with your kids is. Jmo.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #111 on: June 13, 2019, 06:57:59 PM »
Thanks Silver and Treasur,

MIL reminds me of xH in MLC, very narcissistic and she used to blackmail us regularly.  No-one ever took her seriously and just put her behavior down to having a very sheltered childhood.  I really don't care if I never see her again but I do believe xh's recovery from crisis is dependent on him not just doing he work he needs but getting a far away from his mother as possible, both emotionally and physically.  Once he realizes she is a very sick woman, he may be able to accept she did the best she could in raising him, and forgive himself for many of his actions during crisis.  It's lucky his father was such a lovely man.  I used to think xH was more like him, but in crisis he's his mother to  T.

If the subject of MIL contacting comes up, I will not lie to the children, MIL is nothing to me, a bit more like ow than family.

XH will need a lot of therapy to heal from the way MIL treated him.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #112 on: June 25, 2019, 04:54:58 AM »
A couple of weeks ago, I had a reading from a world renowned psychic.  I asked for this reading almost three years ago and was contacted in January this year with an appointment in June.

I am not the type of person who constantly sees psychics until I finally hear wheat I want to, nor have I been having readings all through xH's crisis.  I have a friend who knows a psychic and she has told me some things about xH at times  but I have not asked for her input.

I do believe these people can connect with loved ones who have passed, but am not foolish enough to believe everything they tell me.  I don't think they are trying to trick us in any way, just that the messages can get scrambled or lost in translation.

This woman began by telling me my Father and Grandmother had passed and were with her.  She told me both my father's and grandmother's name and what they died from and was totally accurate.

I gave her no information about myself and she could not have gotten this information from any Internet source.

She then said "You are divorced"

She  then became angry and said "These stupid men who think the grass is greener on the other side and have affairs are so stupid, they never think to look inside first".  She said "He is having a midlife crisis and is no longer thinking the grass is greener, in fact he's had a big wake up call and has already told a  family member he is not happy with OW".  She is nothing to him.

She then had a little chuckle and told me I was going to meet a new man but just as I am falling for him, xH will come back into my life and I will have to choose.  She said xH is going to feel me slipping away and up till now he's felt the energetic thread between us.  The new relationship begins to sever the thread and he comes back to me.

I thought this was amazing as there was no way she could have known I was standing or the intimate details she told me abut my life and my relatives.

She told me she wouldn't tell me what to do, but that no matter what choice I make, I will be married and extremely happy in my life which ever way I choose.

This has given me some peace and some hope that my future is bright.  She also said xH's anger is no longer there and that ow fueled the last lawyers letter, she totally controls xH and has him involved in a rather strange financial mess.  She tried to work out what it was but just said it was now a matter of her trying to control him completely.  It's obvious now to me ow can see I am the one he wants and she is holding on tight.  She has no hope, she never was the prize.

The psychic asked no questions of me at all during the reading, just talked and the above is what she told me.

We will see...........
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Disillusioned

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #113 on: June 25, 2019, 05:14:25 AM »
Wow, Savvy.  I just don't believe in this stuff (STBXW does) but I would have to acknowledge you had a very real, and powerful experience.   I'm intrigued.  Im so happy for you that you felt peace based on what you heard.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #114 on: June 25, 2019, 01:44:29 PM »
Oh Savvy--YOU are absolutely the prize. Always have been.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #115 on: June 25, 2019, 10:14:14 PM »
Thanks Disillusioned and KIT, time will tell ;)

My S25 the son who was particularly nasty to me following BD, has been calling into the house more often and is definitely a much nicer person than he was six years ago.  His GF who he was living with, decided to go back to University and couldn't pay half the rent anymore, so she went back to live with her parents and the relationship has seemingly died a natural death.  S25 has moved in with a male friend and this has to be the 10th move he's made in the past four years since xH left us.  He looks very thin and appears quite depressed to me and we had a discussion about his study, as he is studying to become a pilot and finding working full time difficult.  He is going to cut his work days to three per week and needs a place to stay.  Obviously, mum is a good option ::)  I knew about this a week ago and at first was not keen, but I know fear of him being like he was before is playing a big part in my anxiety about this and I actually feel things may be fine with him living here. He called in yesterday and S22 and S25 were lying on S22's bed chatting away and I walked past and couldn't help feel some joy at seeing them both happily laughing and talking.

He is coming over for dinner tonight and I am going to have a chat about what things might look like if he lives with us.  I was thinking of setting some boundaries but that was my fear talking again, and I was thinking of asking him how it would look for him if he lived with us and what his expectations are.

I will not put myself back into the situation we were in when xH lived at home following BD and I was walking on eggshells all the time.  That life has gone and I will not re-live it with S25 being disrespectful again.  He will need to convince me this is a good idea and one I will not regret.

Any ideas on how to deal with this?  I am feeling a bit lost. 

I am happy with my life the way things are and don't want to make things difficult like they were when xH was home and in crisis.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Trustandlove

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #116 on: June 25, 2019, 11:09:34 PM »
Interesting development, savvy, and I fully get your desire to proceed very cautiously.

I think that asking him what he thinks it will look like and what his expectations are is a good start; I do think that at some point it would be good for him to understand what your reservations are, I'm just not necessarily the best person to give advice here -- I'm sure treasur and others who can express themselves better will chime in!

I say that because I have found with my own kids (keeping in mind that I didn't go through what you did with yours) that I've always found it best to take a deep breath and explain what triggers me when something comes up, it keeps the eggshells away.  And it can show them that talking things through is the way to go, and that everything can be forgiven, but that acknowlegment of what happened is also sometimes necessary.  Not brushing things under the carpet. 

At the same time your S was at a vulnerable age when all this happened (is there a non-vulnerable age??), so it's not quite the same as what our MLCers themselves did -- this is where I find it harder to put things into the right words, and I get that you are walking a tightrope. 

Offline Treasur

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #117 on: June 25, 2019, 11:23:20 PM »
Someone called?  ;)

I think you know, Savvy. Chat it over with him, hear him out but be clear that you live an eggshell-free life now and expect others to be respectful and pleasant towards you. That you don't want to rehash the past but this is not always how your family have behaved so he needs to understand that it works differently now. And you are both adults now too. If he is ok with that, and you are, you could agree on a 3 month trial and review it?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online UrsaMajor

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #118 on: June 26, 2019, 12:31:06 AM »
What Treasur said.....

Ask him how he sees it working and make sure that he understands that there are no more eggshells - nothing less than respectful and pleasant between the members in the house is acceptable.....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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Offline Trustandlove

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #119 on: June 26, 2019, 05:35:36 AM »
Is that what is called "ask and you shall receive"?  :) :)

Thank you for putting it into much better words than I could, that is exactly what I meant!

Offline Busy_Bee

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #120 on: June 29, 2019, 12:05:54 PM »
Savvy,

After reading your update about psychic visit I've decided to do the same.
So I went to see a future tailor who appears to be like 100 y.o chinese guy. Also no questions asked, just telling me things that were very difficult to guess if you don't know the details.

Anyway, he told me that I've just done to pay my karma in full and by December I'll start a new phase of my life. A clean one.
So, I'm looking forward  :)
Oh, and he also said that I'll meet a new person in September, but..I need to mind " the color of my love" . I asked him " how do I know what color of my love should be?"  He told me that I'll know when time will come.  ::) So, I'm kind of intrigued by that.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #121 on: July 10, 2019, 05:00:20 AM »
Thank you all for your thoughts on talking with S25, I am certainly going to take your advice, as always.

BB, very interesting!  I don't really see what the 'color' of your love could be, any ideas?  Not a term I've heard before.  For all of us who believe it's possible to tell the future, there seems to be some shifts happening in many people's lives, not just us kooky ones  ;D

Update in my life - it's been ridiculously busy and quite stressful.  Thank goodness xH isn't involved in my life  at the moment!!

Started with a phone call telling me my Mother's furniture was ready for delivery.  I recently got some money from the property settlement and had organized for my mother to get a new recliner lounge suite.  She's going to be 90 this year and I feel she should have as much comfort as possible in her later years.  Problem about the delivery was, I was starting a string of four night-shifts which leave me feeling like a zombie at the best of times, so I planned the delivery for a full day after night-shift ended.  Meantime, I get a fabulous offer on a new car I had been looking at previously, but I had to collect it the day after the furniture delivery.  All this is quite do-able but I was SO tired and had the added stress of having 'buyer regret' after signing on the dotted line for the car, as it was more than I had wanted to spend even if it was a fabulous deal.

So.....I drive over to my Mother's place following night-shift end, which is over an hours drive,  so sleep deprived, to take delivery of the lounge and she was ecstatic, although she did the usual 'mum' thing about not wanting me to spend my money on her, which was also a little stressful.  I'm actually am one of those people who will buy things for others and expect NOTHING in return, something xH could never wrap his head around as his family make you pay in kind for years after doing a simple good deed.  I always felt this was so very wrong.

Meantime I am trying to contact S25 to see how he is going and he's not answering calls which leads my mind to think something is wrong, as I have felt he is quite depressed lately and I start to worry about him, so ask S22 to see if he can get him to answer his phone - S22 does call and still no answer, so stress and my mind racing to bad things goes on.

Today I pick up said car from the dealer and although I am super happy to finally have a car I may be able to rely on, it's stressful and a 40 minute drive away from home too.  I had a mini meltdown when I drove into the dealers yard as I was saying goodbye to my old car which although I had hated that thing for ages, used to be our 'family' car and the car xH drove to work for many years, the car I dropped the kids off at school and the car that was there for me when xH wasn't, so I had a few silly tears before leaving the drivers seat ::)  To top it off, the guy who showed me how to navigate all the new technology, had just gotten back to work last week after having four years off due to a brain tumor and shared the story with me which ended in hugs and tears on both sides.  I have no problem listening to this lovely man's story but I was already emotional and his incredible story of survival almost tipped me over my emotional edge.  I  finally input my destination of 'home' into the new car navigation system and it took me on a tour of the country :o :o  I ended up driving 60 minutes in heavy traffic, I hadn't had anything to eat or drink for about eight hours by this stage and was trying to stay sane ::)

Finally arrived home and just wanted to get inside and chill.  S22 was angry the car had 'too much' technology and shouldn't, because it makes people lazy and I really wasn't in the mood for it.  THEN my phone rings and it's S25 who I'd been trying to contact and it was so lovely to hear his voice but his car had just broken down on the side of the road and he was waiting for S26 (other missing son) to rescue him.  I was super sad he hadn't felt he could phone his father, offered to get help for him myself, but he said he was fine and S26 was due to arrive any minute - he's always been the reliable one.  S22 and S25 don't know where S26 lives since leaving our old prperty and I became worried he may have been homeless, but S25 assures me he isn't homeless, just reluctant to say where he's residing for some unknown reason.  I have urged him to get S26 to contact me as I feel he also needs some family support right now and I am missing him.

I end up telling S22 I was feeling really overwhelmed and a little sick and he did the best thing possible - he LISTENED.  He didn't try to 'fix' me as I told him that's not what I was wanting from him, he just listened and then sat with me for a while, just the tonic I needed.

I start night-shift AGAIN tomorrow night for another four nights and after that I am definitely having a rest and getting used to my new car.  It was super stressful driving an unfamiliar new car home and dealing with xH's antics have always been super difficult due to his aggressive nature, but these past few days brought up a lot of memories of that stress and it's almost time for a rest!!

I've had my whinge, thanks for listening, I'm so glad xH didn't end up adding to my stress this time because usually, he had an uncanny knack of doing just that at the time I could cope the least.  Thanks xH for NOT getting in touch ;D

I am going to work really hard on getting my children back, I feel the time is right.

Love and hugs to all..........
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #122 on: July 10, 2019, 06:40:06 AM »
Good to have an update from you, SF.

Sorry that the new car came with some real mixed emotions.  Now that the initial break in drive is over it will hopefully be a dependable and pleasant thing for you. 

I hope things continue to move forward for you with the kids.  You go, girl! 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16 - his 53rd birthday
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #123 on: July 10, 2019, 07:26:40 AM »

I am going to work really hard on getting my children back, I feel the time is right.


Right here--THIS is what it is all about. And I think all it takes is a little effort and unconditional love form their mama. They will be back Savvy. How could they not? MLC does a number on our precious kids and it takes time for them to process it all too. I think you have handled this with such grace and love.

I love gift giving to--I think it is the way I show love as I am not very touchy/feely. (Trying to get better at that though!) But yes, I love giving people things.

Hope you are driving a sexy EU sports car now. ;)
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #124 on: July 11, 2019, 12:41:58 AM »
Thanks KIT and Still for your lovely replies, you both gave me a smile.

The car s in the garage, there are quite literally hundreds of pages of technical information on how to drive that machine, mind boggling.  I could do with a male brain right now.  I am usually quite tech savvy but I used to just put the car in reverse to back out the drive and drive to go, it was that simple.  Not any more!  Sure, it's basically the same but it keeps talking to me and little lights are flashing to tell me this and that which I will need to get used to.  I took it down the street to get some shopping and came back a bit rattled again.  I need a few quiet days to wrap my head around it and the night shift is not helping.

It's like having xH in the car - an unwelcome co-driver.  XH is a good defensive driver but a lousy technical driver, if that makes sense.  I am a super careful and a smooth driver but xh drives fast to the lights and then slams on the brakes.  It's all I could ever do to stop yelling  out in fear. I actually think his driving deteriorated as he went into MLC.  He even had the car towed away because just after BD, he ground into the disc drums, not the discs, the DRUMS - the drums had to be REPLACED!!  Mechanic said he'd never seen anything quite like it.  xH as we all know is one of the more frightening MLCers, but grinding his discs away is a whole new level.  He had no idea.  The car actually immobilized itself making him stop, otherwise he'd have kept on going :-[  ALL his behavior was intense, there was nothing mild about his crisis at all.

I would also like to comment on Shock's sisters remarkable thread and say that it resonates with me so very much.  Everything she says about herself is EXACTLY what I thought MLC was about and exactly the way xH is and was.  I made many excuses for his behavior, blaming MLC rather than him, and now I know I was right, they are not in control of the alien creature who dwells within.  He IS making his own decisions and will have to live with the consequences of his actions but I still don't blame him for what he's done as he is driven by a force that none of us who haven't had a MLC can even begin to understand.

I still believe he will come out of crisis.  The only thing that could stop him is the enormity of the damage he's caused and he will remain in crisis and a very dark place of his own choosing if that's the direction he takes.  I believe he will come back and be more than a little more than just remorseful.  The core person he was will emerge again as his morals were too high for him not to revert back.

I have changed a lot but my core being is still the compassionate and loving woman I always was and this will enable me to forgive what he has done and allow him into my life if that's what I choose.  I no longer know who xH is.  He will be very different and I hope the man he becomes is a better version than the one who left his family.  I do hope he gets the chance to make amends to us all and live the life we had always planned.  In a way I am glad he got the chance to be the real him because he always a a bit different and I now see he was never completely whole.

We would all hope they are better versions of themselves, if not, what on earth was all the pain and suffering for?

It's about time this is recognized as a true mental illness, although the treatment is going to be impossible because it's such a personal journey, one which blames everyone else but them.  It may save some marriages though, if LBS's understand they are not the cause and the MLCer are not themselves for a very long time.

I feel the end is coming for xH's crisis and  don 't even see him.  There's a thread between us that tells me where he's at. Whoever said patience is a virtue, sure had that right!! And TIME, that word again, it's so long for us and relatively short for them.  I bet they are shocked when we tell them how long they've been away emotionally.

One of the best things about my new car is the ambient lighting - I can see Ursa's eye roll already ::)  The dealer thought I was funny too ;)  It has 64? 84? colors and I set it on color change, sat in that car and just watched the light show.  If I can be blissfully happy with ambient lighting, I know I'm going to be ok ;D  Being grateful for things like that has saved my sanity, I am sure.  S22 thinks the lights are a girly thing but guess who was sitting in the car with me watching the lights :-X   He probably thinks they are cool too but too macho to say so ;)

He did want me to see how fast it goes, I told him it's not good to treat a new motor like that - so different - I like the pretty lights and sparkly things and he likes speed. I am old enough to re4member when we had to run the engine in ;D  Is that still a thing?

"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Online Rising Phoenix

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #125 on: July 11, 2019, 01:01:05 AM »
I am sure the time is right savvy, you are in a good place and your children will be see their  mom is there for them.

In a side note, does anyone have a link to shocks sisters thread? Xx
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Thunder

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #126 on: July 11, 2019, 01:21:50 AM »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #127 on: July 11, 2019, 01:57:57 AM »
Thanks Thunder :-*

We could all gain a LOT from her thread please everyone read, read, read.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Milly

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #128 on: July 11, 2019, 02:01:07 PM »
Savvy, love the though of you sitting in your new car with S22 and just enjoying the colours it can turn! How funny is that?

Really felt for your hard week when you went to your mother to wait for the lovely new furniture you bought her (you are a very good egg), then your car lost its way home, then your S25 was stranded, and you hand't eaten! I could feel the hardship of that day, so glad you've recovered and your car's showing it's good technology sides. It knew what angle to use on its new owner!

I wish you the best of luck reuniting your kids. I have one of those vanisher kids so I completely understand.

Interesting your concept of a thread between you and your H that lets you know where he's at mentally. Keep sharing your feelings with us. I, for one, am very interested in hearing about your gut sensations. I'm hooked to Shock's sister's thread. So much info on the MLCer's inner mind. It helps me to accept what's happening.

Hope you and your car keep on falling in love with each other as you get to know each other's love language!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Savoir FaireTopic starter

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #129 on: July 12, 2019, 01:04:25 AM »
Thanks Phoenix and Milly, the visual on us sitting in the car with the lighting is a funny one ;D  I do hope our love languages get in sync soon, I haven't driven for the past two days due to the night shift as I just feel too tired to trust my driving and I walk to work as it's only a 15 minute journey.  I will need to sit in that car and really familiarise myself with the technology before taking a longer drive, at the moment it scares me ::)

It's a strange place emotionally for me to be since the property was sold and xH has no reason to contact anymore.  He's exhausted his legal avenues I think but you never do know with him ::)  I definitely feel a link between us and always have.  I am sure he watches me and is now not so convinced I am the problem but he's not quite there yet.  Now he is out of the picture, I feel ready to connect with the kids again.  I am fairly sure S26 won't be difficult to connect with once I find where he lives, and I will leave D24 until I have the energy, as she was the one having a totally inappropriate relationship with xH and that takes a lot to process.  She either feels entitled to the way she acted or pretty stupid, I really don't know.

S25 will be dropping in next week and we can discuss his living arrangements with us to see what works but we are all feeling pretty positive about the move.

My focus really has shifted from xH to the kids and unless xH wants to show some remorse for all he's done, I have no desire to interact with him, he's such a shadow of the man he was.

I do wonder who he would be if he were to come out of crisis and how much of a change there would be?  It's a bit scary to think the man I knew so well for 30 years is so different, it really would be starting all over again.  I was pretty smitten with who he was all those years ago and I know he's in there somewhere.

I notice I have stopped 'stage watching', I was never much on it anyway and unlike others, the ow has never bothered me, she's just a distraction for him while he runs from the real issues.  I do look forward to her getting dumped by him as I feel she's been pretty horrible about me and deserves everything she gets in the end.

I wish I could get the newbies to see what life is like six years from BD and just how much the LBS has grown and is in the driver's seat when it comes to the MLCer.  The hurt and devastation subsides to an extent but the sadness of what our lives could have been stays with me.  I have missed five years of three of my children's lives due to his madness and am going to set the record straight with them one day at a time.
"And when they ask you about me and you find yourself thinking back on all of our memories,
I hope you ache in regret as the truth hits you like a bullet and you find yourself replying: ""She loved me more than anyone else in the entire world and I tried to destroy her."  He failed by the way. 
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8412(Denjef's thread)

Offline Evermore

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Re: Somebody That I Used To Know
« Reply #130 on: July 12, 2019, 01:56:28 AM »
Savvy I’m really looking forward to the day that the devastation subsides. I know that the only way is through though. Quite depressing really. But it’s nice to be reminded that there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

I’m off out tonight with a friend to watch another friends band play. It’s at the local RSL, so it’ll be pretty casual but even so I’m a bit dressed up so I’m bent careful not to get teary about you talking about reconnecting with your kids. I’m lucky so far that both my girls (18 and 20) are still around and very supportive. I hate that the Mid Life Crazy has affected your relationship with your kids. It’s so cruel.

I know you’re a fellow Aussie but think you’re in a different state (I’m in SA). It’s weird to think of you sitting in your new car watching the lights somewhere else in Oz contemplating your kids and all this ridiculous MLC BS. Sometimes it feels like the people on here are fictional because they’re so far away. Knowing that you’re in the same country as me makes it all more real. Anyway, just letting you know I’m thinking of you and wishing you well.
M: 49
H: 51
Married 20yrs, together 23yrs
D: 20
D: 18
BD (that I didn't recognise as such) Easter 2018
BD 9th Sep 2018
OW (44) - he met her in the pub a week before BD, told me about her a week after BD. Thinks 'their planets have collided' because 'their eyes met across the room' and they had an 'instant connection'. Lives with her. Is building a life with her.

 

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