Author Topic: My Story This learning and growing is exhausting :)  (Read 1118 times)

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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My Story This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« on: May 10, 2019, 06:41:34 AM »
No clue the what number thread I am on, I stopped counting...lol
All I know is that I am still here, still following everybody's life and still loving to be part of this wonderful family aka forum that I was lucky enough to have found so early on.
Next month it will have been 2 years since BD and I have learned so much about MLC, about living in the present and a lot about me.

Quick recap - BD 2017 after 17 years after H's father died and financial difficulties crept up and then the magical High School Sweetheart from 32 years ago contacted him and H just send a text that he couldn't help his feelings and needed a break. A month later he said he doesn't need any more time he is seeing somebody else. Four months later he said only time would tell if we are over and done for good. After that turned into a vanisher with minimal contact only on Thanksgiving, Christmas and birthday. After 18 months his contact became different somewhat by forming complete sentences and actually using names and also contacted me randomly. Last week he asked instead of attending a retirement dinner if I would want to talk and have drinks that evening instead. I had already made plans so I replied that I couldn't that particular evening but any other time I was all in - his pouty reply: well, some other time then.

Secretly I have been waiting for another little meltdown to come, but weirdly I am okay. Actually, better than okay - while I still feel a tiny twinge of regret that I didn't change my plans that evening, I have gained some confidence over the last few days. If I really think about it, Kanvan had it right all along (not that I ever doubted her). Maybe I am the price. Maybe he should actually be the one pursuing me and not the other way around.  He had it all and just didn't realize it.   




Previous Thread https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10737.150
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2019, 07:01:47 AM »
Attaching....

and, yes, you are the prize in this situation... HE needs to do the work if he wants you back, NOT the other way around...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline FearNot

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2019, 07:04:50 AM »
Hugs! You have come so far S66! Meltdowns are going to happen, at the time you feel pretty weak, but there's a strength that comes from it in the days to follow and what strength you have shown!
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline One day at a time

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #3 on: May 10, 2019, 08:38:46 AM »
Secretly I have been waiting for another little meltdown to come, but weirdly I am okay. Actually, better than okay - while I still feel a tiny twinge of regret that I didn't change my plans that evening, I have gained some confidence over the last few days. If I really think about it, Kanvan had it right all along (not that I ever doubted her). Maybe I am the price. Maybe he should actually be the one pursuing me and not the other way around.  He had it all and just didn't realize it.   
And isn't this something?  ;)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Music45

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2019, 03:25:36 AM »
Following along, Schratz. You sound really good.  :D
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline Thunder

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2019, 05:23:20 AM »
Welcome to your new thread, S.

I really think it was good you had plans that night and didn't change them for him.  You did the right thing.
If he wants to meet with you he can make the effort again.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #6 on: May 12, 2019, 09:01:59 AM »
Sup.  8)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #7 on: May 13, 2019, 04:40:26 PM »

Maybe I am the price. Maybe he should actually be the one pursuing me and not the other way around.  He had it all and just didn't realize it.   


No maybe about it at all. You are the prize. And deep down, he knows it too.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #8 on: May 14, 2019, 11:04:27 AM »
Well, it's been a week and of course I haven't hurt another word from Mr Talk and Drinks :)
D and the grandratties are here and I am enjoying every minute of it.
There's nothing like laying sideways on a kingsize bed with your D and just chit chat about everything and nothing.

My new ritual is each evening after my prayers I list three things that I am grateful for that day and it has made a difference.
I indeed have so much to be grateful for and it his the MLC that is truly losing out.

No new prospects on the new job search, but I don't do quite as much lurking at work any more. If I run into him, I will handle it, but it's better than being a nervous wreck all day long.
If a new job is meant for me, it will come along and if not that's okay, too.








 
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #9 on: May 14, 2019, 12:07:55 PM »
I like the counting blessings thing. I used to journal them daily but stopped. I think I shall start again. Thanks for the positive influence!   

I remember last year my H wanted to "talk" and do lunch/dinner/whatever and could never pull the trigger. It's like they know what they want, just can't seem to get there. Makes us stronger indeed. You sound so good.
« Last Edit: May 14, 2019, 12:09:21 PM by KeepItTogether »
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #10 on: May 14, 2019, 12:54:22 PM »
66 - Still here and following along.

I am so impressed how much you have grown!  You have a lot to be proud of.

Please please please......no regrets over not meeting him.  He will come back around sometime again in the future. 

No regrets because you did what was best for YOU at the time!  Keep that in mind!  YOU are important and YOU are the prize!

I love your grateful list!  It is awesome!  Keep drinking that cool aid and you will be surprized when you look back to see your growth too!

I can't tell you how happy I am for you!   Wishing I could send you real hugs! 

Take care of YOU!

Sam
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents/OW Out of State 
11.1.18  Moved somewhere  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Nov 19 - OW moved back.  Living w/her D
Nov 19 - H started visiting on holidays
Jan 2019 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #11 on: May 17, 2019, 06:07:42 AM »
I should have learned from WhyUs - when he said his thread was boring all hell broke lose.
Now that I said I was enjoying life - Wham - life throws another curve ball....

We noticed last night that one of the grandratties has a mass on the side of her stomach. Of course trying to find an exotic pet vet in our rural area is a feat in itself. Found one, but cannot get in until next week. D of course is beside herself with panic and sadness over yet another possible loss and dag-nabbit I can't blame her, but am being the strong role model assuring her we will do whatever we can to get her treated or make her comfortable.

Meanwhile, my brother, who I rarely hear from, contacted me yesterday and just wanted to tell me that he is in love. Never mind that he is married - shocker, I know. He married his OW 13 years ago and is now cheating on her - Karma Bus. But he has no intention of leaving as OW has money and property that he does not want to lose. I didn't even know how to respond to him and just shook my head as I am reading his messages.....they are so crazy and so self assured that it's all about their happiness

No contact from H and I am settling back into a peaceful routine and count my blessings.


Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #12 on: May 17, 2019, 06:20:07 AM »
I hope that the vet can help. Loosing pets is hard and when it is stacked one on top of another, it is even more difficult....

As for your brother.... FFS... they never learn do they... Until they get their head out of their .... fog....




If his current W/former OW has money and property and she finds out he's out doin' someone else, he may find himself getting the big boot out the door, regardless of what HE thinks will happen/what he wants... Remember, their R STARTED because he was cheating so she will likely be suspicious anyway...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #13 on: May 17, 2019, 07:57:36 AM »
So sorry to hear about the grandrattie.....hope all will be ok!  Thoughts and prayers coming your way!
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents/OW Out of State 
11.1.18  Moved somewhere  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Nov 19 - OW moved back.  Living w/her D
Nov 19 - H started visiting on holidays
Jan 2019 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #14 on: May 18, 2019, 05:29:38 AM »
Why on Earth would he contact his sister to inform her he is cheating on his wife, when she is a LBS?!  :o ::)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online Shelly7435

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #15 on: May 18, 2019, 07:45:53 AM »
Stronger for sure. You are definitely a prize. He needs to work for you.
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #16 on: May 18, 2019, 06:08:43 PM »
Following along with you, S66.
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline FearNot

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #17 on: May 19, 2019, 06:44:47 AM »
Sorry to hear about your family pet!
As for your bro, no wonder you had no response. WTH?  <hugs>
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #18 on: May 19, 2019, 08:25:55 AM »
We were able to get an appointment for Grandrattie for Wednesday. Did some more research online - jeez, how did we ever survive without Google. Anyway, looks like a mammary tumor that occurs frequently and most likely will be benign. Depending on the vets suggestion it will either have to be removed or try chemo like medication- who knew they have all this for little critters as well.
We shall remain hopeful and positive until told otherwise.

The moon last night was gorgeous but did inflict a bad dream - I was working for H and he decided to no longer speak to me and act as if I didn’t exist and I woke up with a broken heart. Feeling much better after my first cup of coffee watching baby squirrels play in the yard while Eloise is demanding her peanuts :)

I wonder if I don’t hear from H for another few weeks, if I should ask him out for drinks ? What’s your thoughts ? I’m not sure - on one hand I don’t want to frighten him further back but then what if he felt rejected and thinks I should approach now ?

We had a massive monsoon like thunderstorm pass through last night, but thankfully all my young vegetable plants survived and the basement stayed dry. Going to spend the day outside Soaking up sun and peace.


Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Treasur

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #19 on: May 19, 2019, 09:04:47 AM »

Jmo, 66, but maybe squirrels are nicer to focus on than brain monkeys? Let it sit bc it might just be an emotional reaction to your dream? And if your h wants to see you, if it matters enough, he will ask again...and I suspect that will feel nicer than you asking?

And your brother? SMH...well anyone who boasts about their betrayal of someone else bc they are SO happy....not much empathy or wisdom there right? No wonder you were speechless...probably was a useful reminder though of how impossible it would have been for anyone to stop our spouses trashing their lives too. As a sane adult, one can see a number of outcomes to his choice....none of them look very good though do they? Well, maybe a little karmic justice smile for his first wife if she ever gets to hear about it I suppose.  :)

I hope your rattie gets the help they need and all is well. X
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #20 on: May 23, 2019, 06:13:46 PM »
Today is just one of those days where the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. He starts back and forth contact after minimal contact before, then says he’d like to talk and have drinks and since I couldn’t on that particular day he just dropped back off into the abyss.

Who does that ? A frigging insensitive, self absorbed jerk face- that’s who.

On another note - took grand rattie to the vet and he found three masses. Most likely benign but they will grow and eventually affect her quality of life. Surgery is an option at $ 400 and the tumors could reappear. Surgery in itself could be risky.  I told my D that it’s her decision since it’s her pet but that I would support her whichever she decides.

Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Whyus

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #21 on: May 23, 2019, 10:12:31 PM »
A frigging insensitive, self absorbed jerk face- that’s who.
Thats way too mild  of a description for him.
On another note - took grand rattie to the vet and he found three masses. Most likely benign but they will grow and eventually affect her quality of life. Surgery is an option at $ 400 and the tumors could reappear. Surgery in itself could be risky.  I told my D that it’s her decision since it’s her pet but that I would support her whichever she decides.
Good call in letting your D decide Schratz  :D. Saying that though, it is a lot of Money because the chances are that the Tumors will eventually reappear and the Surgery has too be risky with such a small rodent.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #22 on: May 24, 2019, 11:30:54 AM »
Who does that ? A frigging insensitive, self absorbed jerk face- that’s who.


Yup!  Mine would ask me to lunch pretty regularly last year. I would accept. And he would cancel usually due to a "meeting" or some other work thing. My guess is had you accepted, he would have FREAKED out b/c they are just crazy! In my opinion, you handled that just perfectly.  You were kind but didn't change your plans for him. And you left the door open. That is all you can do as you know. But yeah, idiots. 
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #23 on: May 25, 2019, 01:23:03 PM »
Quote from: KeepItTogether
In my opinion, you handled that just perfectly.  You were kind but didn't change your plans for him. And you left the door open. That is all you can do as you know.

Agreed
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #24 on: May 25, 2019, 07:38:37 PM »
Thank you for saying that Faith and KIT - you knew I would second guess myself again and again.
It’s Memorial Day weekend here which means a reminder that it all started 6 years ago when H’s aunt died suddenly - she was healthy and only a few years older than us and it hit H hard. He had to death of a close loved one for the first time and it was the beginning of a down spiral for him which ended with his father’s death in 2016.

Just so sad that rather than turning to us they feel like they need to run. Such a waste. Life is just so short and they will never find what they’re looking for.

Not going down the rabbit hole though - just feeling a wee bit melancholic I reckon. Still have so much to be grateful for.

Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Milly

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #25 on: May 26, 2019, 03:35:35 AM »
Schratz, just catching up. Going down the rabbit hole is what we do unfortunately, but at least you're aware of it. I wouldn't worry about not having gone out with your H and him now disappearing a little, it's normal. Maybe he felt a little rejected, but he needs to see that you are growing. You behaved perfectly. Those boundaries are really hard for us because we didn't have them before. Now he's having some needed thinky time. This back and forward contact is straight from the MLC manual.

Wishing you well with rattie.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #26 on: May 26, 2019, 07:58:10 AM »
It's like a terrible game of flag football. They chase after you claiming they want the flag only to turn around and do a 180 because they thought they saw you pass the ball.

 ::)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #27 on: May 28, 2019, 10:56:55 AM »
Ugh -
Saw his truck today and Mr No Sticker Will ever touch my Truck has a new sticker on his back window. The Rolling STones Sticky Tongue in bright Red.
He never even liked the Stones and Mr I do not want to draw any attention to me and am as basic as can be with clothes, cars, etc has a bright, noticeable tongue on his window.
Wow - just wow - looks ridiculous. The last time he had a sticker on a car was in 1992 when his then girlfriend put one on - so i am sure this was to show OW just how cool he was.

Not sure why this just rattled me so much today. It looks embarrassing, it's not him and it hurts like hell, but I really shouldn't care. What am I even doing ? Why would I want that man back ? He clearly played me and pretended to be somebody else for 20 years and I feel like such a fool for falling for him and believing in him.

And yet, here I still am wishful thinking that he really wanted to have drinks and talk when it was just another game to him. Why are they so cruel ? Do they really have no idea what they have done to us ? I am so mad at myself right now I can't even see straight.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #28 on: May 28, 2019, 12:51:24 PM »
Ah 66 the car sticker, when my H was visiting kids in his `borrowed vehicle' which happened to be a knackered old van that he slept in in a layby - it had a `Hellraiser' sticker on the side. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!!! He also started to do selfies and be on social media when he hadn't ever used it before...….because he was now young and cool, those young, cool people need a sticker!!! 

Don't be mad at yourself, you did the right thing re: drinks. I don't think that they know who they are any more, I can still see the van, the shiny sunglasses and the very odd shoes. I'll bet that the sticker vanishes at some point!


Do something nice for you today, remember you are the prize!


PG xxx

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #29 on: May 28, 2019, 01:52:36 PM »
OMG--the stickers!!! Philly I am LOLing at the He!!raiser one. Seriously? No, they most certainly are NOT the former versions of themselves. Mine has THREE--and yep, he was extremely anti-sticker on the car prior to MLC. Now he has one for the team he coaches, one is general lacrosse and the third is our son's school. It is actually really embarrassing.


Why are they so cruel ? Do they really have no idea what they have done to us ? I am so mad at myself right now I can't even see straight.

No they really have no clue how we are hurting b/c all they really care about right now is themselves.  I tell my H how his S misses him and is sad. H's response is that HE is sad too. B/c it apparently doesn't matter that this 12 year old boy doesn't have a father, but that a 46 year old man misses his boy--by his own choice of course. He cries for his own misfortunes, not for anyone elses. They all seem to have that in common--a profound lack of empathy.

Please don't be mad at yourself S. You handled everything the best way you could have. These MLCers are a hot mess. And of course we fall for their crap b/c we are kind, loving people who give them the benefit of the doubt.  Just remember, your H is not the same old H. He is a completely different person.  He's the guy with a Stones sticker on his car.  ;D
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline megogirl

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #30 on: May 28, 2019, 02:13:04 PM »
The Rolling STones Sticky Tongue in bright Red.
He never even liked the Stones and Mr I do not want to draw any attention to me and am as basic as can be with clothes, cars, etc has a bright, noticeable tongue on his window.
Wow - just wow - looks ridiculous.


MLC is a living hell, but damn does it provide some great comic relief  :D
« Last Edit: May 28, 2019, 02:14:33 PM by megogirl »

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #31 on: June 02, 2019, 10:37:56 AM »
A weird few days - surgery on grand-rat went well, after a rough night post op she is doing really well and I hope we will have her around for a long time.
The squirrel herd that started off with just Eloise has expanded and so I get greeted by at least 4 squirrels each and every morning - the word has spread in the squirrel community :)
Last few days with D as she’s getting ready to submerse herself for six weeks as academic camp counselor on site.
Me, I’ve entered a weird new phase and I’m not sure if that’s the final grief or acceptance or what.
The gut feeling I had that he would eventually come back, has disappeared and has been replaced by “why would he come back”.
Clearly the strong bond I thought we had wasn’t felt by him, and after two years on his own or with OW there would be nothing that could entice him to want to go back.

I think the chances of them returning are greatest within the first 18 months while what we had is still fresh in their minds and the longer they are gone the less likely it is for them to miss us. This makes me sad but not where I am crying. Just sad that I will never be his best friend and confidant again.

I miss us, but clearly his feeling of us wasn’t nearly as strong as mine and I think that’s the sad part.

Nothing I can do though other than to live my life as best I can.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Treasur

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #32 on: June 02, 2019, 11:57:16 AM »
Good news on the grand rat and I love the idea of you becoming a 'squirrel whisperer'  :)

You may be right about the passage of time. I have found that recently, having gone through just the same feeling, it has now evolved into something slightly different. Even missing what was sometimes, as he feels farther and farther away from who I am now and my life now, and the sharpness of the memories fade, I find myself feeling more of a sense of 'why would I want what he has become back?' Bc he is different now and he chose at some level to discard me and everything we had valued together in a really brutal way that literally almost killed me. I have fought hard to protect what matters most to me and would be reluctant to trust him with any of it again bc he showed that he did not value it - or me - enough. Both of us lost out but tbh I think his loss is greater.....
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online Shelly7435

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #33 on: June 02, 2019, 04:51:31 PM »
Schratz66.
I have been feeling the same way. Friday it overcame me and I was a basket case. What happened to my beautiful R, the fun, the laughter and person I trusted more than anyone. Over the weekend I have come to an understanding... we’ll at least for me...  I’m am just going to try and be grateful for the years we had and the happy memories. I feel I have no other choice. I won’t let MLC take my happiness. It already took his and him. All I feel like we can do is wish them the best... the karma bus will take care of them.
M 52
H 47
M 12 years; together 17 years
D17, S27
Summer 2014 - H wanted to runaway
9/14 I was diagnosed with Breast cancer
11/14 Surgery for BC..3 day after my father dies
11/14 BD 2 days after surgery. I have no passion for you.
2/15 moved out
Dated each other all year affection back on..
3/16 moved home
7/16 Diagnosed with Breast cancer again
8/16 No affection again. I knew something was wrong.
9/16 Another surgery for Breast Cancer
9/16 BD 11 days after surgery discovered -EA with much younger W from Work. That is over. I think he has meaningless flings. Work is his mistress
10/16 I filed for D (financial reasons)
10/16 I moved out.
10/16 Now off and on vanisher
5/17 Divorce final

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #34 on: June 04, 2019, 10:12:01 AM »
Feeling a bit Mopey and Ugh today - I am going to blame the upcoming 2nd anniversary of the BD and all the lasts.
I know Ursa no counting, sigh.
Drowning in the sea of Why and knowing there are no answers so it's fruitless.
Trying to taste the color green as Ursa says - can't do it.
And dang I still miss him. His quirky personality, our friendship, our bantering, our easy connection and of course the sex.
Haven't contacted him - always waiting for him, but what if he is waiting for me to make a move ?
Here, I go again with the dang What If --- I know - what if pigs fly - what if he isn't waiting for anything - what if he is truly done....blahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh





Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Music45

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #35 on: June 04, 2019, 10:19:48 AM »
Hey Schratz,
I hear you. I've just come through a rough patch of birthday and wedding anniversary  this last week or so and felt exactly the same. Missing him, missing "us" a everything you say. I cant make it stop for you but I can say it will pass and it's ok to cry your eyes out. I did. Do.
Hope you get through this bit. Can you do something to focus your mind a bit? I did some gardening and that helped.
Hope you're on the way up soon.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #36 on: June 06, 2019, 07:43:24 AM »
Thank you Music - dang - this whole emotional bit is really out of hand these days. Hadn't cried in months and the last few days anything and everything not even MLC related gets me crying like a baby. Poor grand-rat chewed her sutures open, so we had to get the wound stapled - and of course she chewed out the staples - not sure what the next option is.....

Why do I still miss him so much and why do I want to call him up and ask if he ever figured it out ?

Crap - he're the tears come again - off to the loo at work to find my composure....

Somebody tell me that time will get me through this...….I do not want to go back to bartering with God where I offer him a limb in exchange to bring H back.....
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #37 on: June 06, 2019, 07:57:20 AM »
"Pajama Days" are normal.... We get through them one step at a time...

If they turn into Pajama WEEKS, well.... then you might want to look for help...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Treasur

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #38 on: June 06, 2019, 08:33:48 AM »
This moment WILL pass, my friend.
We all have them.
I think our skin is thinner after this experience so other difficult things or dates or small reminders can be a trigger.
But you have survived to get here, the very worst is behind you and this moment will pass  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #39 on: June 06, 2019, 01:34:21 PM »
Aww Schratz <<<<HUGS>>>>>  These are hard times. And we do get triggered sometimes without even knowing it. Like Treasur said, some small reminder of a past event that may even be an unconscious thing can make all that sadness bubble to the surface. Or just feeling extra sad over the same thing, but different day--that's why they call it a cycle. Sometimes it comes back. I find if I fixate on my H too long I start getting more and more dark and will  ultimately make myself super depressed. It is hard to "talk" oneself out of it once started, but it can be done. Takes lots of practice though. And I am not very good at it.

But, it will pass my dear. This was a significant, perhaps the most significant, relationship of our lives. It isn't just going to be forgotten and we are not going to easily move on without any kind of "processing" -- whatever it means.  Eventually though, we all will heal. The passage of time, and just living life with our loved ones day to day, will eventually erode the rawness of the pain.

And yes, time will get you through this. Or rather, YOU will get you through this.  You already have. ;)
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline xyzcf

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #40 on: June 06, 2019, 03:09:03 PM »
Quote
Why do I still miss him so much and why do I want to call him up and ask if he ever figured it out ?

There is a line from Brokeback Mountain, it resonated with me, from 2005 when Jack Twist says to Ennis "I wish I knew how to quit you".

Perhaps there are some LBSers who can wipe out thoughts and memories, who can say "good riddance" and who may be quite content without their loved one by their side.

I am not one of them.

I am resigned that this isn't going to leave me. I miss him. So far, nothing comes even close to the happiness I had with him.

But I am "better"..I accept...I cannot have someone that I want just because I want him. He's gone and has been for a long, long time.

But yes, I miss him, I miss us, I miss the dreams and feeling totally loved by him.

I don't cry so much anymore, but when the tears come, I know that the tears are there because it was real..that love was special and he walked away from everything that mattered to me.

I cannot change that. I can accept it to be true.

Some people will be able to forget...I just cannot..I cannot make myself feel any different than I do..but I am grateful that the pain is so much less than it once was.

((((HUGS)))) I am sorry about grandrat.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #41 on: June 08, 2019, 02:29:05 PM »
I feel you on the bond thing.  I have had similar thoughts recently.  I thought we had more of a bond then it seems we do.  I often feel like the gap is widening between who we were together and who we are now.  And it is hard to see how there is any way back from that.

But then I read Acorn's thread and how her H is having a spiritual awakening and I often think that I need to stop analyzing and just trust God to do the work that He is doing in both of us, separately.  Even if I can't see that there is things happening on my MLCers end.

Sending you some ((((HUGS)))) and I'm sorry to hear that grand rat is struggling post surgery.
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #42 on: June 10, 2019, 07:51:37 AM »
Thank you all for catching me. xy, Faith  - I love that movie line and it is so accurate. I can and will move on with my life and I will be okay, but my heart will always belong to him and I will always love him and I know part of him will always love me. And I think that's what makes this entire journey so daggone difficult.
The last few times when I ran into him at work, he made sure I made eye contact and I can see it in his eyes, that there's something still there but not enough for him to act on it - same with the recent contacts - I know here's something still there but then he still has no clue what he really wants and I can only hope he will figure it out down the road.
I am not going to say that I know he will be back because nobody knows that - all I am saying he hasn't cut the cord for himself yet - he cannot let fully go either and knowing that keeps me tethered somehow. I wish I knew how to quit him indeed.

I know God will figure out what's best and I just have to keep my faith, but it's hard - it's the hardest thing I have ever done.

Had to move work stations today and of course cleaning out my office, I found a card from H that he wrote a few years back. Thankfully I did not even open it, because I would have lost it right then and there - but it was hard to toss it in the trash knowing it was a piece of him in that card.

On a happier note, grand rat is doing better - after conferring with the vet and him agreeing that she is a most uncooperative little stinker and most likely would keep pulling any stitches, staples and what not out again, we decided to treat it as an open wound. So, Nurse Schratz washes the wound every night with saline and keeps administering anti-biotics to that little creature - and let me tell you they are feisty little things with a stubborn streak...lol. She seems to be healing okay though but I cannot wait until she can go back into the shared cage with her sister so I only have one cage instead of two.




Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNot

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #43 on: June 11, 2019, 09:26:04 AM »

I know God will figure out what's best and I just have to keep my faith, but it's hard - it's the hardest thing I have ever done.


S66- I agree with you 100% on this. Glad to hear the grand rat is healing! Big Hugs!!
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Music45

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #44 on: June 12, 2019, 01:18:45 AM »
feisty little things with a stubborn streak...lol. She seems to be healing okay though

Sounds like a lot of us LBS, Schratz! Lol. Glad she's doing better. Sorry about the card from H. I have loads from mine and it's tough when you find one like that.

Hang in there. I'm sure your H does love you still.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #45 on: June 12, 2019, 01:30:28 PM »
66- Taking time to catch up on you!

Rough patch but my oh my....Look how you pulled yourself through it all.  Awesome!  There is more to you than you give yourself credit for!  Keep spouting here so you can get the support you need.  I read so much love from LBSers for you!  Hope you were able to feel it too!  Hope that can help you for now.

As for time and distance...I know of someone who left his wife and was gone for 10 years and poof...showed up one day.  They are now living together for nearly a full year and working things out.   I think time and distance affect us more than them.  We are the ones counting.  We are the ones focused on them.  We are the ones feeling the loss because we are not numb.  We are alive and have the opportunity to be well if we choose it.

66...you are choosing it and fighting for it tooth and nail!  Hugs to you!   Love to see your healing!

Take care and know you have the love and support you need!

Sam!

PS...glad to hear about grand ratty! 
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents/OW Out of State 
11.1.18  Moved somewhere  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Nov 19 - OW moved back.  Living w/her D
Nov 19 - H started visiting on holidays
Jan 2019 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #46 on: June 13, 2019, 04:26:52 AM »
Schratz, you continue to inspire me!  You are so strong.  I'm glad about your grandrat, pets are the epitome of unconditional love. 

 "There is more to you than you give yourself credit for! "
"We are the ones feeling the loss because we are not numb.  We are alive and have the opportunity to be well if we choose it."  - I love these quotes from Sam!  So true.

Interesting about the eye contact.  They are so confused, aren't they? And weak? Or I guess to be fair, in that weird MLC fog that people talk about.  You are the lighthouse, Schratz! Your Light shines brighter and brighter!






Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Thunder

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #47 on: June 13, 2019, 05:23:52 AM »
You are so right S, and I think most of us feel this way....just as Xyzcf also said.

"my heart will always belong to him and I will always love him and I know part of him will always love me. And I think that's what makes this entire journey so daggone difficult."

This crisis is a very sad thing that happens to people.  So destructive.

But you sound a lot stronger S and you've come a long way.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #48 on: June 14, 2019, 12:27:18 PM »
Thank you everyone...woke up after a horrid dream last night in which H not only said he was sure he was done but also said that I never meant anything to him.
So, in all my other dreams about him he still wasn't sure - so I said, well, if you believe the other dreams you have to believe this one....the more I thought about it, the better I felt - I know I meant something to him - I know I did and in the end it was a dream - just a dream and it could very well just have been a projection of my worst fears....so, I put on my big girl panties and had a good day despite the crappy start.

D gets to come home for a couple of hours tonight - bless her heart - she is in charge of 10 teenage girls and she said she is never having kids...lol.....she said it's drama all the time and she has to wake them at 6 am and lights out is at midnight without any breaks in between for her......not envying her that job, but $ 600 per week is great pay for a college student.

Tomorrow morning a group of us are participating in a 11 mile Kayak River Trek - 8 am we start and hopefully will be done by 2 pm...looking forward to it - I love being on and around water and it's a fun group of women, so lots of laughs and fun to be had. No doubt I will feel my 52 years of age afterwards and probably be crippled for days, but who cares.
 
Thank you again to all following along and encouraging me at all times - I so appreciate you all....
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #49 on: June 14, 2019, 08:40:04 PM »
S66 - your kayak adventure sounds like a fabulous outing.  I hope you have a great time.  Do you have your own kayak?   I’ll check back for an update to see how things went.  Enjoy your adventure. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

Offline Anon

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #50 on: June 14, 2019, 08:52:26 PM »
Quote
Tomorrow morning a group of us are participating in a 11 mile Kayak River Trek - 8 am we start and hopefully will be done by 2 pm...looking forward to it - I love being on and around water and it's a fun group of women, so lots of laughs and fun to be had. No doubt I will feel my 52 years of age afterwards and probably be crippled for days, but who cares.

Who cares indeed!  I am so envious.  I love water and I’ve overnight done canoe trips with groups of friends.  It’s way too much fun.   Have a blast Schratz66!

 

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