Author Topic: My Story This learning and growing is exhausting :)  (Read 1218 times)

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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My Story Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #20 on: May 23, 2019, 06:13:46 PM »
Today is just one of those days where the more I think about it, the more pissed off I get. He starts back and forth contact after minimal contact before, then says he’d like to talk and have drinks and since I couldn’t on that particular day he just dropped back off into the abyss.

Who does that ? A frigging insensitive, self absorbed jerk face- that’s who.

On another note - took grand rattie to the vet and he found three masses. Most likely benign but they will grow and eventually affect her quality of life. Surgery is an option at $ 400 and the tumors could reappear. Surgery in itself could be risky.  I told my D that it’s her decision since it’s her pet but that I would support her whichever she decides.

Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Online Whyus

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #21 on: May 23, 2019, 10:12:31 PM »
A frigging insensitive, self absorbed jerk face- that’s who.
Thats way too mild  of a description for him.
On another note - took grand rattie to the vet and he found three masses. Most likely benign but they will grow and eventually affect her quality of life. Surgery is an option at $ 400 and the tumors could reappear. Surgery in itself could be risky.  I told my D that it’s her decision since it’s her pet but that I would support her whichever she decides.
Good call in letting your D decide Schratz  :D. Saying that though, it is a lot of Money because the chances are that the Tumors will eventually reappear and the Surgery has too be risky with such a small rodent.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #22 on: May 24, 2019, 11:30:54 AM »
Who does that ? A frigging insensitive, self absorbed jerk face- that’s who.


Yup!  Mine would ask me to lunch pretty regularly last year. I would accept. And he would cancel usually due to a "meeting" or some other work thing. My guess is had you accepted, he would have FREAKED out b/c they are just crazy! In my opinion, you handled that just perfectly.  You were kind but didn't change your plans for him. And you left the door open. That is all you can do as you know. But yeah, idiots. 
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #23 on: May 25, 2019, 01:23:03 PM »
Quote from: KeepItTogether
In my opinion, you handled that just perfectly.  You were kind but didn't change your plans for him. And you left the door open. That is all you can do as you know.

Agreed
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #24 on: May 25, 2019, 07:38:37 PM »
Thank you for saying that Faith and KIT - you knew I would second guess myself again and again.
It’s Memorial Day weekend here which means a reminder that it all started 6 years ago when H’s aunt died suddenly - she was healthy and only a few years older than us and it hit H hard. He had to death of a close loved one for the first time and it was the beginning of a down spiral for him which ended with his father’s death in 2016.

Just so sad that rather than turning to us they feel like they need to run. Such a waste. Life is just so short and they will never find what they’re looking for.

Not going down the rabbit hole though - just feeling a wee bit melancholic I reckon. Still have so much to be grateful for.

Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Milly

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #25 on: May 26, 2019, 03:35:35 AM »
Schratz, just catching up. Going down the rabbit hole is what we do unfortunately, but at least you're aware of it. I wouldn't worry about not having gone out with your H and him now disappearing a little, it's normal. Maybe he felt a little rejected, but he needs to see that you are growing. You behaved perfectly. Those boundaries are really hard for us because we didn't have them before. Now he's having some needed thinky time. This back and forward contact is straight from the MLC manual.

Wishing you well with rattie.

Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D24, D21, S14
OW Physical Affair. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 50 last year.

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #26 on: May 26, 2019, 07:58:10 AM »
It's like a terrible game of flag football. They chase after you claiming they want the flag only to turn around and do a 180 because they thought they saw you pass the ball.

 ::)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #27 on: May 28, 2019, 10:56:55 AM »
Ugh -
Saw his truck today and Mr No Sticker Will ever touch my Truck has a new sticker on his back window. The Rolling STones Sticky Tongue in bright Red.
He never even liked the Stones and Mr I do not want to draw any attention to me and am as basic as can be with clothes, cars, etc has a bright, noticeable tongue on his window.
Wow - just wow - looks ridiculous. The last time he had a sticker on a car was in 1992 when his then girlfriend put one on - so i am sure this was to show OW just how cool he was.

Not sure why this just rattled me so much today. It looks embarrassing, it's not him and it hurts like hell, but I really shouldn't care. What am I even doing ? Why would I want that man back ? He clearly played me and pretended to be somebody else for 20 years and I feel like such a fool for falling for him and believing in him.

And yet, here I still am wishful thinking that he really wanted to have drinks and talk when it was just another game to him. Why are they so cruel ? Do they really have no idea what they have done to us ? I am so mad at myself right now I can't even see straight.
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Philadelphiagirl

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #28 on: May 28, 2019, 12:51:24 PM »
Ah 66 the car sticker, when my H was visiting kids in his `borrowed vehicle' which happened to be a knackered old van that he slept in in a layby - it had a `Hellraiser' sticker on the side. I didn't know whether to laugh or cry!!! He also started to do selfies and be on social media when he hadn't ever used it before...….because he was now young and cool, those young, cool people need a sticker!!! 

Don't be mad at yourself, you did the right thing re: drinks. I don't think that they know who they are any more, I can still see the van, the shiny sunglasses and the very odd shoes. I'll bet that the sticker vanishes at some point!


Do something nice for you today, remember you are the prize!


PG xxx

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #29 on: May 28, 2019, 01:52:36 PM »
OMG--the stickers!!! Philly I am LOLing at the He!!raiser one. Seriously? No, they most certainly are NOT the former versions of themselves. Mine has THREE--and yep, he was extremely anti-sticker on the car prior to MLC. Now he has one for the team he coaches, one is general lacrosse and the third is our son's school. It is actually really embarrassing.


Why are they so cruel ? Do they really have no idea what they have done to us ? I am so mad at myself right now I can't even see straight.

No they really have no clue how we are hurting b/c all they really care about right now is themselves.  I tell my H how his S misses him and is sad. H's response is that HE is sad too. B/c it apparently doesn't matter that this 12 year old boy doesn't have a father, but that a 46 year old man misses his boy--by his own choice of course. He cries for his own misfortunes, not for anyone elses. They all seem to have that in common--a profound lack of empathy.

Please don't be mad at yourself S. You handled everything the best way you could have. These MLCers are a hot mess. And of course we fall for their crap b/c we are kind, loving people who give them the benefit of the doubt.  Just remember, your H is not the same old H. He is a completely different person.  He's the guy with a Stones sticker on his car.  ;D
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

 

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