Author Topic: My Story This learning and growing is exhausting :)  (Read 1120 times)

Offline xyzcf

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My Story Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #40 on: June 06, 2019, 03:09:03 PM »
Quote
Why do I still miss him so much and why do I want to call him up and ask if he ever figured it out ?

There is a line from Brokeback Mountain, it resonated with me, from 2005 when Jack Twist says to Ennis "I wish I knew how to quit you".

Perhaps there are some LBSers who can wipe out thoughts and memories, who can say "good riddance" and who may be quite content without their loved one by their side.

I am not one of them.

I am resigned that this isn't going to leave me. I miss him. So far, nothing comes even close to the happiness I had with him.

But I am "better"..I accept...I cannot have someone that I want just because I want him. He's gone and has been for a long, long time.

But yes, I miss him, I miss us, I miss the dreams and feeling totally loved by him.

I don't cry so much anymore, but when the tears come, I know that the tears are there because it was real..that love was special and he walked away from everything that mattered to me.

I cannot change that. I can accept it to be true.

Some people will be able to forget...I just cannot..I cannot make myself feel any different than I do..but I am grateful that the pain is so much less than it once was.

((((HUGS)))) I am sorry about grandrat.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline FaithWalker

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #41 on: June 08, 2019, 02:29:05 PM »
I feel you on the bond thing.  I have had similar thoughts recently.  I thought we had more of a bond then it seems we do.  I often feel like the gap is widening between who we were together and who we are now.  And it is hard to see how there is any way back from that.

But then I read Acorn's thread and how her H is having a spiritual awakening and I often think that I need to stop analyzing and just trust God to do the work that He is doing in both of us, separately.  Even if I can't see that there is things happening on my MLCers end.

Sending you some ((((HUGS)))) and I'm sorry to hear that grand rat is struggling post surgery.
M-41
H-43
S-18
D-16
S-14
Friends 7y before M
Married 14y
BD 12/14/15 - 2 weeks after 14th anniv.
Divorce final 4/13/16
EA - 9/15-4/16
New GF 12/16
Engaged 6/17 (I found out 8/10/17)
Moved to her State 4 States away - 7/13/17
Eng. off 8/20/17
Moved back to our State 8/24/17
Saw his POF the first month back
1.5y later no signs of anyone new - workaholic

Link to my journey: 
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10630.new#new

"Life isn't about waiting for the storm to pass - it's about learning to dance in the rain."

"Don't become a container for bitterness.  It's a toxin that destroys what it's carried in."

"Sometimes - some things have to break apart so better things can be built."

"If we don't take time to heal, we will bleed on people who didn't cut us."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #42 on: June 10, 2019, 07:51:37 AM »
Thank you all for catching me. xy, Faith  - I love that movie line and it is so accurate. I can and will move on with my life and I will be okay, but my heart will always belong to him and I will always love him and I know part of him will always love me. And I think that's what makes this entire journey so daggone difficult.
The last few times when I ran into him at work, he made sure I made eye contact and I can see it in his eyes, that there's something still there but not enough for him to act on it - same with the recent contacts - I know here's something still there but then he still has no clue what he really wants and I can only hope he will figure it out down the road.
I am not going to say that I know he will be back because nobody knows that - all I am saying he hasn't cut the cord for himself yet - he cannot let fully go either and knowing that keeps me tethered somehow. I wish I knew how to quit him indeed.

I know God will figure out what's best and I just have to keep my faith, but it's hard - it's the hardest thing I have ever done.

Had to move work stations today and of course cleaning out my office, I found a card from H that he wrote a few years back. Thankfully I did not even open it, because I would have lost it right then and there - but it was hard to toss it in the trash knowing it was a piece of him in that card.

On a happier note, grand rat is doing better - after conferring with the vet and him agreeing that she is a most uncooperative little stinker and most likely would keep pulling any stitches, staples and what not out again, we decided to treat it as an open wound. So, Nurse Schratz washes the wound every night with saline and keeps administering anti-biotics to that little creature - and let me tell you they are feisty little things with a stubborn streak...lol. She seems to be healing okay though but I cannot wait until she can go back into the shared cage with her sister so I only have one cage instead of two.




Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline FearNot

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #43 on: June 11, 2019, 09:26:04 AM »

I know God will figure out what's best and I just have to keep my faith, but it's hard - it's the hardest thing I have ever done.


S66- I agree with you 100% on this. Glad to hear the grand rat is healing! Big Hugs!!
M 46
H 40
No Kids
Married 5yrs, Together 11yrs
BD Oct 31/17
ILYBINILWY Dec 21/17
2nd BD- Dec 27/17
OW-Confirmed Jan 3/18

 Isaiah 43:1 " But the Lord says.. Fear not, for I have redeemed you; I have summoned you by name; you are mine. "

"It's ok to be scared. Being scared means you're about to do something really, really brave." Anonymous

Offline Music45

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #44 on: June 12, 2019, 01:18:45 AM »
feisty little things with a stubborn streak...lol. She seems to be healing okay though

Sounds like a lot of us LBS, Schratz! Lol. Glad she's doing better. Sorry about the card from H. I have loads from mine and it's tough when you find one like that.

Hang in there. I'm sure your H does love you still.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #45 on: June 12, 2019, 01:30:28 PM »
66- Taking time to catch up on you!

Rough patch but my oh my....Look how you pulled yourself through it all.  Awesome!  There is more to you than you give yourself credit for!  Keep spouting here so you can get the support you need.  I read so much love from LBSers for you!  Hope you were able to feel it too!  Hope that can help you for now.

As for time and distance...I know of someone who left his wife and was gone for 10 years and poof...showed up one day.  They are now living together for nearly a full year and working things out.   I think time and distance affect us more than them.  We are the ones counting.  We are the ones focused on them.  We are the ones feeling the loss because we are not numb.  We are alive and have the opportunity to be well if we choose it.

66...you are choosing it and fighting for it tooth and nail!  Hugs to you!   Love to see your healing!

Take care and know you have the love and support you need!

Sam!

PS...glad to hear about grand ratty! 
2019 - 365 New Opportunities  Bring It On!

I choose to feel blessed - I choose to feel grateful
I choose to be excited - I choose to be thankful
I CHOOSE to be HAPPY

BD 10 29 2017  Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3/5/18 OW moved/H moved in with F
3/19/18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW in another State
9.4.18  Moved back...Living with Parents/OW Out of State 
11.1.18  Moved somewhere  Part of H's belonging are boxed on parents side porch
Nov 19 - OW moved back.  Living w/her D
Nov 19 - H started visiting on holidays
Jan 2019 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings

Started Dating - Spring 1983
Married - August 1985

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs

Offline FamilyIsMyGoal

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #46 on: June 13, 2019, 04:26:52 AM »
Schratz, you continue to inspire me!  You are so strong.  I'm glad about your grandrat, pets are the epitome of unconditional love. 

 "There is more to you than you give yourself credit for! "
"We are the ones feeling the loss because we are not numb.  We are alive and have the opportunity to be well if we choose it."  - I love these quotes from Sam!  So true.

Interesting about the eye contact.  They are so confused, aren't they? And weak? Or I guess to be fair, in that weird MLC fog that people talk about.  You are the lighthouse, Schratz! Your Light shines brighter and brighter!






Divorce Bomb August 6, 2017
Married 19 years
Together 22 years
Divorced as of January 2019
I don't think I'm standing, but who knows what the future brings.
Two Teenage boys
Me: 55
H 59
OW? I don't know - probably plural

Offline Thunder

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #47 on: June 13, 2019, 05:23:52 AM »
You are so right S, and I think most of us feel this way....just as Xyzcf also said.

"my heart will always belong to him and I will always love him and I know part of him will always love me. And I think that's what makes this entire journey so daggone difficult."

This crisis is a very sad thing that happens to people.  So destructive.

But you sound a lot stronger S and you've come a long way.   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Schratz66Topic starter

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #48 on: June 14, 2019, 12:27:18 PM »
Thank you everyone...woke up after a horrid dream last night in which H not only said he was sure he was done but also said that I never meant anything to him.
So, in all my other dreams about him he still wasn't sure - so I said, well, if you believe the other dreams you have to believe this one....the more I thought about it, the better I felt - I know I meant something to him - I know I did and in the end it was a dream - just a dream and it could very well just have been a projection of my worst fears....so, I put on my big girl panties and had a good day despite the crappy start.

D gets to come home for a couple of hours tonight - bless her heart - she is in charge of 10 teenage girls and she said she is never having kids...lol.....she said it's drama all the time and she has to wake them at 6 am and lights out is at midnight without any breaks in between for her......not envying her that job, but $ 600 per week is great pay for a college student.

Tomorrow morning a group of us are participating in a 11 mile Kayak River Trek - 8 am we start and hopefully will be done by 2 pm...looking forward to it - I love being on and around water and it's a fun group of women, so lots of laughs and fun to be had. No doubt I will feel my 52 years of age afterwards and probably be crippled for days, but who cares.
 
Thank you again to all following along and encouraging me at all times - I so appreciate you all....
Me 52
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline stillbaffled

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Re: This learning and growing is exhausting :)
« Reply #49 on: June 14, 2019, 08:40:04 PM »
S66 - your kayak adventure sounds like a fabulous outing.  I hope you have a great time.  Do you have your own kayak?   I’ll check back for an update to see how things went.  Enjoy your adventure. 
After all, tomorrow is another day.
Together 16 years - married 6
BD - 1/1/16
His divorce final 7/16
Married OW - 7/17
a consistent semi-vanisher in the same small town

 

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