Author Topic: Discussion She filed  (Read 1658 times)

Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Discussion She filed
« on: May 10, 2019, 10:12:28 PM »
Sorry everryone.  I still haven't posted my story.  I just needed to come and vent tonight.

Received  a notice in the mail that STBXW filed the day before our wedding anniversary.  The filing in and of itself, isn't the issue.  It was coming one way or the other.  It's the way she did it.  On April 24th, I reached out and asked her to return to mediation.  We hadn't been since last August.  In the interim, her mother had passed, which I was sensitive to, even though I wasn't allowed to say goodbye to her as she faded away, and I certainly wasn't asked to the funeral.  She didn't acknowledge my request, so I texted her a week later and asked her to have the courtesy to acknowledge and respond to my email.  Her response was "Hello Dis.  Thank you for your email.  I will review our previous discussions about the settlement and get back with you.  Best, STBXW."  By now, I was used to this method of dismissing me, which I have come to find very demeaning, so I came back with "May I have a reasonable assessment of when I will hear from you?"  I didn't hear another word until today, when the mail came and a third party that watches the courts for filings alerted me to her actions.

She used to work in a law office, so I can see that she has gone with someone she's good friends with.  Why do I continue to be surprised by this person's actions?  She cheated on me and made living at home with D8 horrible, so I moved out.  She monstered, gaslit, projected, scripted and blameshifted with the best of them.  Through it all, I've tried to take the high road, and protect my D8 by never breathing a bad word against her, despite the contrary on her end.

I just can't believe we've spent hundreds of dollars on mediation and nearly had a finished settlement agreement, and rather than wrap it up amicably in the next one or two sessions, she further goes nuclear on our lives.  I've been pretty centered lately but this has got me upset, spinning, and frankly a little worried this evening.

Thanks for listening.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Passiflora

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Re: She filed
« Reply #1 on: May 10, 2019, 10:42:37 PM »
Hi Disillusioned,
I'm so sorry for you, I've got nothing "comforting" to say more than you can handle this. You are a lot stronger than you think even in these moments. Her responses (total business like) is script, one of my female friends and what my xh has been writing in mail conversations with "our" mediator is in the exact same tone and also in some of his mails before BD (I pointed that out to him, why do you write to me like I'm your businesspartner and his answer was; I've always written like this) . That to me is shocking, how anyone can write to someone they have known for a long time, have kids with etc. without any kind of feelings at all. lol even if I try my hardest I could never write in this manner to a total stranger. I have no clue how or why they do this.

Hugs

Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #2 on: May 10, 2019, 11:06:25 PM »
Thank you so much Passiflora.
I do appreciate the response.  Yes, I've been getting the businesslike responses for several years now.  Even when I was pouring my heart out to her after BD, those are the type of matter of fact responses I would get back.  As I said; this was coming.  If she didn't do it, I would have done it.  She works with MOM still, and he certainly hasn't suffered like I have.  I don't believe his wife knows, he still gets to live in his house, and he hasn't had access to his children cut in half.  I wasn't going to be able to live with her toxic, enabling group of friends, one of whom had a long term affair with a married rock star.  STBXW said, when I asked her if it bothered her years before ABD, "It's her life."  I thought it odd at the time, but it makes perfect sense now.  Her family, although full of kind people, is riddled with alchoholism and drug use.  She's the victim of two divorces growing up.  I knew I couldn't ever return to her and feel safe and happy. So, this had to happen.

Just wish it hadn't been yet one more betrayal. 
« Last Edit: May 10, 2019, 11:08:02 PM by Disillusioned »
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Passiflora

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Re: She filed
« Reply #3 on: May 11, 2019, 01:46:18 AM »
Hi D, again....don't know what time zone your in but it's saturday morning to me, Europe.

Any way, since my BD 1st april 2014 (yes :D and atomic BD as UM says june same year, my now xh went from OW#1 she dumped him in the autumn 2014 he went into OW#2 ALSO coworker.....OW#1 lasted 3 years in the dark without me knowing even if he became more and more abusive. I say more and more, cause looking back over time 30 years, I think he was abusive towards me but I excused him but the last year it was realy scary and I did not feel safe.

My take on all of this mlc/depression/narcissism or what ever it is, is to combine all research I found and apply what marriage therapist say. They are broken, all actions are made from the emotional part of the brain, 1 person breaking up a M to be with another single person has less than 3% to last long term, unless they do a lot of work in IC by them self and stick to it, "they" will never get out of the tunnel. I can go on and on about this but I will send you a list about what behaviour a safe person will show (when "they" hit rock bottom). LOL.....isn't it funny that I have a list of traits a genuine person will show, I'm 54 yo! This is how much the abuse screws with your mind. All of the behavior your wife did to you, screw up your mind too, I didn't know if up was down or what! Now I can almost laugh about it.

Yes, They will only interact with other toxic people, cause "normal" people who has integrity will give them a hard time and also "normal" people will not be around toxic people. Just like OM/OW, "they" can only get a OM/OW who will not hold them accountable, like you will do or like the rest of us LBS will do. IF they will reconect some day they have to be accountable for what they have done.

Yes, I do think they have a lot of FOO (family of origin) issues to adress, both OW/OM/people around them. You just have to be the BEST father you can be to your daughter. She is "looking" towards you as both a role model and also you are the only stable parent she has. My mother had an OM when I was 16 (lasted 4 years) and I had no stable parent after that but if it's something I whish I have had all my life is/was a stable "real" father figure. I don't know why but, oh how I whish he would have been in my life to see misstreatment and abuse during my marriage. So, if I can give you only one thing, it is that. Be the best father for your daughter, not saying your not, but from here and forward be the best parent you can. What ever the outcome will be with your wife and no her relationships with these men will not last.

Hugs


Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #4 on: May 11, 2019, 04:24:54 AM »
Thank you again, Passiflora.  Its 4:14 am here in California.  I've been lying awake for over an hourr, and I've only had about three hours of sleep so far.  I guess this has affected me a bit more than I had hoped.

I agree they are broken.  Mine broke up our marriage for a married man who's wife was pregnant.  She did what they all do: blamed me for the affair, blamed me for the end of the marriage, blamed me for forcing her torward divorce when she just needed "space."  Well, there's probably some truth to that last one, but the situation after the AP was exposed was too much for me.  I even had to go on a drug prescribed by a psychiatrist to handle the trauma.

Our marriage wasn't great for many years.  Lack of intimacy was a huge issue.  Ironically, the only year we had sex like normal people the entire 13 years was when she was having the affair.

Soul destroying stuff.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Thunder

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Re: She filed
« Reply #5 on: May 11, 2019, 05:15:23 AM »
I'm so sorry, Dis.

All of this is soul crushing.
I believe one of the problems is we still sometimes expect them to act like normal human beings, forgetting they are no where near normal in their fogged up head.  Then we get disappointed, or angry, they didn't act normal.
Guess it's part of having no expectations at all.   :(

You will get through this.
Let us know how things go.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #6 on: May 11, 2019, 05:49:58 AM »
Thank you Thunder.

I'm lying here in bed and I realize that I'm having brief little spurts of anxiety or panic attacks. I haven't felt this way for over a year.

You are correct. I expected her to continue in the direction that we had both agreed to. Mediation was the most amicable and least expensive route. Now, I have no idea what her intentions are. Hiring a lawyer seems very aggressive.  I'm concerned as to what may be coming.

Now I'm going to have to find an attorney and pay a large retainer. I think she is probably getting represented at a discounted rate, since she knows the person who filed for her.

Thank you for responding. 

It's going to be a long weekend. I don't know if I'm glad I don't have my daughter this weekend or if I wish she was here. I also am debating whether or not I should let STBXW know that I've been alerted that she's filed and that I'm disappointed that she chose this direction but glad we can finally move forward.

I'm sure most people on HS would advise not contacting her?
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: She filed
« Reply #7 on: May 11, 2019, 06:00:35 AM »
Hello,

I see you are in Cali and I thought I was up early this morning. I am truly sorry.

I remember the day that my ex came into marriage counseling and told me that she had filed for divorce. She seemed so proud of herself, like she had just accomplished a big moment, and sat there beaming waiting for everyone to congratulate her.

She is in Washington and for the most part, we are NC. I only have one last detail to wrap up with her regarding my retirement and she has not made one move in regards to signing any documents or responding to any of my correspondence.

It's funny that you mention the businesslike tone she uses. Since the divorce, in the few times that we have spoke or met, I have been cordial, friendly, but businesslike. It helps me detach from the situation.

But to be honest, I still have feelings that I need to work through and it has been nine years since bomb drop.

Once again, sorry for all of this. It seems they like kicking us when we our down, and maybe they don't think about dates or the timing of their actions, but it sure does feel that way.

Fist bump,

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: She filed
« Reply #8 on: May 11, 2019, 06:02:44 AM »
Hello again,

Don't respond. There is a great thread title for you at this moment,

"Silence is the loudest scream"

She expects you to respond. Flip the switch and give her nothing.

You can do this,

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #9 on: May 11, 2019, 06:15:58 AM »
Thank you, Ready.

I knew that the advice would be not to contact her. 

Last year, I would have completely disregarded that advice.  Now, I'm positive it's correct.

Thank you for reinforcing that knowledge.  It feels much easier to follow now. 

I practiced the rule of three when I first opened the letter. I waited 3 minutes, then 3 hours. Waiting three days will probably further bolster my ability to avoid letting her know that I've been alerted.

I'm tired and loopy this morning, but I still know that it's the right thing to do.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

 

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