Author Topic: Discussion She filed  (Read 1617 times)

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Discussion Re: She filed
« Reply #10 on: May 11, 2019, 06:32:40 AM »
Hello,

I really feel for you. Is there anyone you can just talk to? Share a cup of coffee? When this things happen, it just seems that time stops completely.

I don't want you to feel alone.

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Online DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #11 on: May 11, 2019, 06:59:24 AM »
Thank you Ready. That is very kind. I am okay. I just didn't think I could be stabbed in the back anymore, and yet she found another way to do it.

I do have friends and relatives who I've been in contact with since yesterday afternoon.  Of course, all of them, even including my closest friend who pointed me in the direction of mlc because he had gone through it with his wife and kept the marriage intact, all believe that this is the best thing. So they are all Uunified that I should be happy that she's finally started moving it forward. Limbo was difficult.

Back in September, while I sat at my daughter's soccer game, I thought we were reconnecting. I had sent her a letter after mediation in August and told her I still loved her and thought we could work things out. She responded immediately, told me she had read the letter, and didn't want me to think she was ignoring it. She said she would reach out. Of course, nothing ever materialized. But it was at that soccer practice, in September, that she warmly engaged me in conversation and sat next to me until a co-worker showed up. She then behaved as though I didn't exist, she didn't introduce me, and they engaged in conversation about the OM. Not in an intimate way as though the co-worker knew STBXW's history with him, just work related.  But the fact that she sat there talking about him with no regard to me spoke volumes.  My D8 knew something was wrong with me immediately afterwards.  MLCer, or course, didn't notice. I know that it spun me up for a week. At the end of the week, I knew that her new work situation, old and new friends, dysfunctional family members, and the fact that she worked with OM were untenable for me. I dropped my stand then. Still, I'm sure everyone here can relate, I'm wondering now if there was anything I could have done differently since ABD.

I pushed for divorce numerous times, trying to snap her out of it. She even brought it up one day and said, "I haven't talked about lawyers or divorce for three months. But you sure seem to have settled on it."

Another time, she said I was much further along in the divorce process than she was.

I ignored, over and over again, the advice not to talk about divorce or the relationship. It wasn't until I was on Seroquel that I was able to calm down. But it still didn't stop me from watching the toxic situation affect my daughter and decide that I needed to move out. 

It's all academic at this point.

I really appreciate your concern Ready. I'm going to go have that cup of coffee now! I have to meet someone here at my rental to let them in and do some repair work. I can't go out today.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Passiflora

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Re: She filed
« Reply #12 on: May 11, 2019, 07:03:22 AM »
I hope you did get a few hours of sleep. It's hard to have those nights with 2 hours sleep then awake for an hour then again 2 hours sleep. Even after almost 5 years, I still wake up at 4.30 and that is way to early.

Good that you're not "afraid" to seek help for the trauma. You might have PTSD so be nice to yourself. I mean take really good care of yourself. Take that coffea outside, enjoy the view/smell/sound around you. Sounds silly I know but there is too much mental health problems in the world and you need to feel good about yourself no matter what crazy stuff your wife is doing, don't let her drag you down. One tips I can give you is to download a ptsd app from the US gov. Just google it and you will find it. 2,5 years after BD my ptsd/trauma was skyhigh, so even in Sweden I was given the same treatment your army uses for soldiers returning home.

 This place is a blessing and there are people from all around the world so you will almost always get a reply 24/7.

Ready has something under his post about looking at yourself in the mirror, that is also a VERY good tips.

Hugs

Online DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #13 on: May 11, 2019, 08:05:00 AM »
Passi - thank you.

I did get some sleep, although not as much as I would have liked.  I definitely know the effects of sleep deprivation.  Those months after BD and ABD I'm not even sure how I made it through each day, other than pure manic energy.  I never missed a day of work, I worked out, I was cleaning the entire 3 bedroom house, mowing lawns, cooking dinner, picking up my daugher after school.  At lunch, I would walk out to my truck and compeletely be dead to the world for 28 minutes exactly.  I'd be asleep in seconds.

BTW, I wake up at 4:30 most days too!  Sometimes earlier.  I think early on, I did have PTSD.  I remember finding out that she had sent photos of herself wearing a black bikini to OM.  I asked her to get rid of it, when there was still some thought we might be able to work things out.  She refused, because it was her favorite.  I remember doing the laundry one day, and there it was.  I think I fell into a stupor for literally 5 minutes.  Didn't move, didn't think, barely breathed. 

One of the worst aspects about "zip your lips" is that I really did practice that for the most part.  She's never going to know the coompllete destruction she caused me.  I've listened to her spew, rage and monster about what a horrible man I was/am, but rarely have I spoken ill back to her, and never to let her know just how thoroughly she destroyed me.  She does know I had to get on the meds.  So, I guess my point is, I'll never have the opportunity to tell her just how horrible she was/is.  I've honestly come to believe my entire 20 year relationship with her was a complete lie.  I never knew who she was.  I would never be capable of doing the things she's done to another person.  Despite it all, I've contiinued to try to show her grace and compassion, and mainly for our D8, some type of friendship to work with.  She seems boound and determined to destroy every last shred of caring.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: She filed
« Reply #14 on: May 11, 2019, 08:06:41 AM »
Hi Disillusioned

Sorry to hear she filed. I think that as time goes on, we get used to the new "normal" (ie you were separated but D wasn't on the cards, etc) so we think we are coping quite well and then all of the sudden something changes and we realize we are not as "over it" as we thought we were. Sometimes the change could be something we wanted (or we think we do) and then when it actually happens, we still somehow feel blindsided.. And we can't really talk about it with people in RL because they don't really get it.. So we suffer in silence (or come here)

I would also say no to the contact.. At least that has been my personal choice for the last year. When he takes a step further away from me, I simply acknowledge it when he tells me (if he does) but don't engage. Not because it doesn't affect me or I'm detached, but because I have resigned myself to the idea that he will do what he will do, no matter what I say. And if I try to get in the way, things will probably get worse for me. As Treasur said, I'm letting it be. I try to process my feelings and continue to live my life the best I can.

Maybe the D is what she "needs" to be happy.. And I get how irritating is to waste a lot of money on something that could be done a lot easier but there's no reasoning with them... Maybe the D will help you move forward. I agree with your friends, limbo is not a nice place to be.. And once it's done, you won't have to think about it anymore.. Either way, it does not necessarily mean it's the end but makes thinks a lot tidier and easier if it is..

Just try some natural remedies to sleep. When I'm tired, everything feels worse, you need a good rest. Big hugs!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #15 on: May 11, 2019, 08:24:44 AM »
Thank you, One Day. 

Being able to reach out on here, and receive such kind, thoughtful responses is so helpful. 

While I do believe divorce was inevitable in our case, I'm not convinced it had to go this way. But, she's an adult, and she has been entirely responsible for the complete degradation of our relationship since BD.

I am not going to let her know that I am aware that she filed. Nor will I let her know when I get the response and send it back. I've already called an attorney this morning that I was referred to, to get a consult. I'm not going to inform her of that either. This is the way she has decided she wants this to proceed, and I will play by her rules.

She is going to experience an immediate consequence, however. I was supposed to be leaving D 8 with her a few extra days the first week of June when I went away on vacation. I am now going to cancel that vacation, and she will not be seeing her daughter for  extra time in June.

Additionally, I've been watching the value of our house, which I am still on the mortgage, rise exponentially. Homes are selling all around it for well over 200,000 of what we owe. Once I have an attorney, I'm going to ask her to get stbxw to either buy me out, which I don't think she can afford to do, or move.
D8 has already told me she's been engaging in conversations with the MLCer about this. I found that horrible. I think STBXW is trying to cast me as the villain. So I apologized to D 8, told her she should not be having adult conversations with her mommy, and said that this is one of the consequences when parents decide to end their marriage.  She doesnt want to have to leave her friend and house she was born in, and of course I never wanted that for her either. But here we are.

Thank you for your thoughtful response.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Thunder

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Re: She filed
« Reply #16 on: May 11, 2019, 08:32:07 AM »
Nice response to your D.

They should not be exposed to adult decisions or conversations.

She's only 8, she would very easily and swiftly make new friends where ever she goes.  That's the nice thing about being so young.  They find new friends pretty fast, so never let anyone make you feel guilty about her moving.  Kids are resilient.  Especially young ones.  Teenagers are a different story.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #17 on: May 11, 2019, 08:56:11 AM »
Thanks Thunder.

My relationship with D8 is grown by leaps and bounds during this situation, and I am trying to be as good a father to her as I possibly can.  I know that I am light years ahead of my own F.  I never want her to doubt my love or commitment to her.  I've even tried to display unconditional love toward her mother when I speak to D8, but God knows it's getting more and more difficult.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: She filed
« Reply #18 on: May 11, 2019, 11:30:44 AM »
Sadly, it may get exponentially more difficult. I'm very sorry this happened to you. Even when we know it is coming, that doesn't make it easier.  Most of us can relate to the brain that just won't stop and little sleep. Each time something new happens, it's like BD all over again. I'm glad to see you are consulting an attorney,  but depending on your assets and what she asks for, you may not need it. It's good to have in case it all goes sideways. For right now, do something that you like, for you. Maybe something where you have to concentrate on the activity, so you don't think about the circumstances.

Now I'm going to take a harder stance when it comes to your D. This is moo, but I don't believe kids are stupid or should be treated as if they are glass and will break or as if they can bounce back from anything. They have the right to be treated as intelligent beings whose lives are being turned upside down.

The hardest thing is keeping a correct attitude for the kids. No, we don't want to talk trash, but our children need to understand that what the MLCER has done has no honor, integrity, or loyalty, because i, at least, do NOT want my kids thinking it is ok to use someone up and discard them like trash. I don't bash my ex, but I do speak in plain facts if it comes up: that was not appropriate behavior. ( mine are young adults now).  I don't know what your D8 said to you, but a conversation about how she may have to move is not an adult conversation. It's a real conversation parents have with their kids when they might have to move. Now if it was "Daddy is forcing us to move" that is a different story. 

And I'm sorry, Thunder. Kids are not "resilient" any more than anyone else is. I moved 12 times in 18 years. It wasn't easy. It was never easy. Each time i didn't want to make friends because I'd just have to leave them. But I did learn that things are sometimes necessary. Please do not minimize the upheaval that will occur in your daughter's life, Disillusioned, but don't feel guilty, either. Treat it as it is: a sad thing for all concerned, but the only choice that is available due to the circumstances. Sometimes things are necessary, but it's ok if we don't like it and are sad about it. That some things are easier or harder to deal with, but that it can be worked out. And as you have said, you will always be there for her.

Take care.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2019, 11:32:04 AM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #19 on: May 11, 2019, 11:54:28 AM »
Off - I appreciate the opposing view.  I respect both, and go back and forth on them myself.  I've read "Primal Loss" and don't completely subscribe to the kids are resilient theory.  Besides, isn't that what a lot of FOO issues arise from?  In the case of my MLCW, her mother divorced twice, and the second time left her 13 year old daughter to basiically raise her two brothers as she gave up her parental responsibilites for the most part.  She is also an ACOA and possible victim of a narc mom.  I think I've read enough by now to attribute some of this to my current situation!  Not to abdicate any responsibility on my end, of course.

The conversation about moving included "I need to buy your father out of the house and I don't thiink I can affoord it," accordiing to D8.  I think it's a subtle attempt to make me the bad guy.  I'd love to give her the benefit of the doubt, but at this point that seems incredibly naive baased on recent events and her bahavior for the last few years. 

Really appreciate the input from everyone!  It's a real help today.  This is a great place to be during this time.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

 

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