Author Topic: Discussion She filed  (Read 1406 times)

Offline OffRoad

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Discussion Re: She filed
« Reply #20 on: May 11, 2019, 12:14:31 PM »
Sometimes I think people think kids are resilient (hmmm, isn't that what the MLCers say?) Because often kids don't voice their unhappiness with a situation,  either for fear they'll be told they are wrong to be upset, or because they know they have no say in the matter.

Funny thing, while cleaning out my mother's house,  I found a letter from my Grandmother to me ( we were close). We had just moved for the 9th or tenth time (I was 13) and I'd obviously complained about where we were living. She responded with validation that she knew I would have preferred staying with my friends, and went on to bring home the fact that this was where my father had been stationed, and he probably didn't like it either. Being shuttled all over and having no say in the matter, I had never discussed it with my dad, so I asked him after i got her letter way back when.. It was never easy on him, either. In a child's mind, I not only had no say, but thought my parents didn't care how I felt. It would have been good to know they did. My father, at least, did. It's important to say that you care and wish it could be different.
« Last Edit: May 11, 2019, 12:15:59 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online DisillusionedTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #21 on: May 11, 2019, 01:18:51 PM »
 That's a validating memory OR>  I hope it brings you a little peace. 

My heart breaks daily for my little girl.  When I clean her room after she leaves for the week, like this morning, I usually cry.  It's been 14 months since I moved out.  It's become much better, though.

As for the resiliency theory and MLC, W sure trotted that out.  Also, "I need to end the relationship so I can be my authentic self and be more fully present for D8."  There's been a ton of therapy buzz words, believe me.  LOL  I sometimes fall into the pattern of usiing them myself, but I do try to find other synonyms for things.  I can only say "trigger" so many times before it .....provokes me.  LOL

The other thing she said about my daughter was "I don't want to her to learn what it's like to stay in a bad relationship."  As though cheating, lying and cowardly divorcing was  better role model.   ::)
« Last Edit: May 11, 2019, 01:24:59 PM by Disillusioned »
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: She filed
« Reply #22 on: May 11, 2019, 07:28:52 PM »
That must be the most heartbreaking thing, sending your child off knowing you won't see her for the week. Do you get to talk to her during the week?

Ah, mlc justifications.  They are just great, aren't they?
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online DisillusionedTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #23 on: May 12, 2019, 10:46:31 AM »
OffRoad -

Yes, it is heartbreaking to send her away.  Sadly, the heartbreak has lessened with TIME, but it's still a painful thing that shouldn't be happening.  In this case, I should count myself lucky, as up to this point, MLCW has supported a 50/50 split.  I have yet to be served, so I don't know if she will have changed her mind, but here in California, I'm not sure therre's anything she can do to change it.  They favor shared custody. 

MLCW has obviously been in a lot of pain over D8, she's done numerous things to increase their contact; which, out of love for D8, I allowed.  Several of these were really an infringement on my time, and even caused untold emotional outbursts from D8 that I was left to deal with. I've even allowed D8 to visitl her overnight several times during my weeks.  I've also avoided pursuing activities that D8 said "Mommy wants to do that with me."  Case in point:  I took D8 to see Wicked, and then told her we had so much fun, I wanted to go see Cats.  Well, she told MLCW in a Skype call (I always have her close the door to her room so they can speak in private, a courtesy that isn't extended to me, by the way) that I was going to take her, and MLCW said "I wanted to do that with you and MIL (now passed away.) So, D8 came and asked if that would be okay with me, and I said yes.  Never an acknowledgment from MLCW, as in most things. 

I promised D8 that I would never stop her from talking to her M when this first starteed, and I've done everything I can to keep that promise.  Even that was manipulated by MLCW - we were supposed to talkt to D8 every night, but somewhere along the line, STBXW changed the plan and allowed D8 to dictate when she would talk to us.  So, the obvious result was that she spike to D8 more than I did, because of the mother /daughter relationship.  Was it calculatd?  I don't know, but lately, it's not working so well for her.  On Easterr, I had D8, and when STBXW called to talk, D8 said she was fine.  W dropped it for about 20 minutes, then called back and demanded to otalk to her, because it was Easter (I'v never done this by the way.)

Anyway, came back from church today, and pulled my wedding ring out and stuck it on my finger.  It hasn't been there since October of 2017, but it feels like it's never been gone.  I do it to honor W on Mother's Day, and the memory of the marriage I thought I had, and the person I thought I was married to.

Thank you, and Happy Mother's Day to all you strong, caring women out there.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: She filed
« Reply #24 on: May 12, 2019, 11:59:06 AM »
Be aware that quite often, "I wanted to do that with you...." is mlc speak for "If I don't claim I want to do this, even when I never had any intention and likely won't follow through, other parent will look good and I will look bad". It can stop you and D8 from doing things that you would enjoy. There is no reason in the world you both can't take her to Cats on different days. I truly understand you want to be fair. That's commendable.  Keep in mind the MLCers mind does not usually have any such fairness involved.

You can only do what is honorable and right for you. I just caution to make sure D8 really wants to talk to her mom and is not being guilted or bullied into it. Allowing D8 to talk with her mom or go overnight is acceptable if both you are she are ok with it. It's not acceptable to mollify the mlcer. Demanding to talk with D8 when D8 was fine not talking is bullying behavior, parent or not.

D8 is lucky to have you. I've always wanted to see Wicked. :)
« Last Edit: May 12, 2019, 12:00:18 PM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Online DisillusionedTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #25 on: May 12, 2019, 01:05:31 PM »
Offroad - You've made some excellent points here.  As a fixer and avowed White Knight, I struggle with these things constantly.  I think I excuse my behavior now by asking myself "What would God have me do?"  I've been kind and accomodating, in the guise of protecting D8, but in reality, it's probably still some type of dysfunticonal dependent qualities. 

I'm in IC, and have been for two years.  Recently, she ( my IC) said we're pretty much finished.  STBXW had gaslit to the point that I no longer knew who I was:  according to her, I was emotionally unavailable, emotionally abusive, possibly physically abusive (I had never raised a hand to oher, or touched her in anger.  I did hold her arm once when she was in replay because she was raging at me and running past me.  I tried to hold her and ask her what was wrong.)  a narcissist, and covert rapist (she said having sex with me for years felt like a violation and rape. So I was violating her less than once a month most years.)  I've read about attachment theory and narcissism, looking for a description of myself as some broken, damaged person.  I've begged the IC to give me a clinical diagnosis so I could work on SOMETHING.  After two years, she said the diagnosis she has used this entire time to treat me through my insurance was "Difficulty accepting dissolution of marriage."  Nothing more, nothing less.  When I originally went to her, she thought I was an extremely anxious person.  She had no reference to the extreme amount of stress I was under with a live in MLCer.  Now, she says my perosnality is night and day.  Or maybe Knight and day.   ::) ;D

I used to be an extremely confident, assured person with stong boundaries and moral compass.  I'm just now getting back to that.

I thank you for your reminder.  I need to stop enabling this behavior. 
« Last Edit: May 12, 2019, 01:20:33 PM by Disillusioned »
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Online readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: She filed
« Reply #26 on: May 12, 2019, 02:00:00 PM »
Hello,

Quote
emotionally abusive

That's a step up, I was almost an emotional abuser

Quote
covert rapist

That's interesting. I was just a rapist. Maybe she didn't have the vocabulary. I was just trying to figure out what is a covert rapist?

Quote
I used to be an extremely confident, assured person with strong boundaries and moral compass.  I'm just now getting back to that.

Same here, I am just getting back to being that person as well. You will do the same.

Enjoy your day and know that you are an amazing father and just love her now and continue to be her rock. Wicked was awesome. Cats is just as good.

You seem to be in a better place today. I bet it was the coffee!

Fist bump,

((((Ready))))

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Online DisillusionedTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #27 on: May 12, 2019, 02:15:15 PM »
LOL Ready - 

Covert in the fact that I didn't know I was raping her.  It was my word, not hers.  Had I known the moaning and yelling were due to me raping her, I guess I never would have begged for sex.   :P ::) 

She used to tell me "Just grab my crotch to get me started.  I always get into it once we get started."  I could never bring myself to do that. As my wife, I had a lot of respect for her, and the environment she had created regarding our intimacy did not allow me to feel comfortable doing it.  So, I would go weeks without asking.

After BD, she grabbed MY crotch once and said "I just have sex with you to keep you quiet.  Is that so wrong?"
I looked at her and said "Yes.  That's horrible."

I do believe I'm a good father and I'm only geetting better.

I am doing better today, thank you.  Coffee and church and a little spring cleaning.

Fist Bump right back at ya!
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Online Mortesbride

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Re: She filed
« Reply #28 on: May 13, 2019, 07:08:02 AM »
Ironic conversation had from several view points lately.

Personally I find it really sad that you guys have both experienced this from your wives. I can't imagine how horrible it must feel for the woman you love and are going through all this for...to claim you did something so horrible because she decided she wants out.

It is like being married for a decade then claiming someone forced you to marry against your will.  ???

I think it is very obvious to both parties at the time if you have gone to far. I do not think it is ever fair to say these things flippantly, and because you are now scorned.

I am sorry that you guys will have to piece that apart, dissect every interaction in the past, and going forward into the future. :-\
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Online DisillusionedTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #29 on: May 13, 2019, 07:29:02 AM »
Morte - I believe you referring to what's going on over in Mego's corner.

If so, I agree.  Ironic.  Well, it's always better to have multiple viewpoints on something.  I thought I was the only husband whose wife said such horrible things.  Numerous times after BD.  As always, it helps to know I'm not alone.  Very appreciative that Ready shared.  I can't begin to describe what hearing those words did to me.  Words would not suffice.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

 

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