Author Topic: Discussion She filed  (Read 1581 times)

Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Discussion Re: She filed
« Reply #50 on: June 11, 2019, 11:21:52 PM »
Offroad - Thank you for that perspective.   That's why I came here to ask.  That was a view I hadn't thought of, although I know it's been said before.  I appreciate your input.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #51 on: June 11, 2019, 11:25:43 PM »
SS - We took a long time to get to this point.  The fact that she did it behind my back implies to me serious intent.  I'm fine with it  at this juncture.   Well, I'll BE fine, I should say.  It's just that their (MLCers) behavior is vexing. I needed some knowledgable eyes on my situation.  Thank you.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Thunder

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Re: She filed
« Reply #52 on: June 12, 2019, 04:58:02 AM »
Dis,

I so agree with what OffRoad said.  A divorce means you need to take off your emotional hat and put on your business hat.

"Keep taking care of you and D8, and don't be the "nice guy" in the divorce. Be the responsible one for your D. Keep everything you are entitled to, give nothing extra."
Great advice.

Just remember what ever is decided in the end, it is extremely hard to change once it's final.
You are fighting for you and your D's future.

One thing I would do is make sure there are guidelines/rules as to how often you see your D and how often you can call her, when she is not with you.
Don't let her bully you into what she decides is right.  Equal is equal. 
Your L can help you set up something.

I'm sorry she has been so emotionally abusive.  You did your best.

I also agree she is NOT your friend. 

Big Hug!
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: She filed
« Reply #53 on: June 12, 2019, 05:24:05 AM »
Oh yeah...

"We'll be BFF's and go on vacations and do all kinds of stuff together "as a family."



Uhhhhmmmmm ... no.... We will not be "friends." We will be exes and co-parents.. Besides, STBXW doesn't want "friends," she wants accomplices and enablers and that is not me...

STBXW did the same, once she was in her own apartment, she was SO happy... until she wasn't... Then once she filed for her D, she was SO happy... until the first set of papers showed up in her mailbox... Now? Who knows... Her D has dragged on nearly a year now because either she has not provided the paperwork needed or her L has asked questions (last month) for which the paperwork was given to her in November last year.. and STBXW is still SO happy... until she isn't.. until she is "totally overwhelmed with the kids" or "sick" or her dog was sick or... or ... or...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: She filed
« Reply #54 on: June 12, 2019, 05:33:58 AM »
Yes I think it makes them feel less guilty if they can remain friends, like what they did was no big deal.

"See everything is fine, we're still good friends."   ::)

Nope you destroyed the marriage, split up the family, things are not "fine."
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #55 on: June 12, 2019, 06:53:52 AM »
Thunder, UM – Thank you for the responses. 

Intellectually, I understand what everyone is saying.  Emotionally – I guess I don’t want it to be that way.  Yesterday, I was struggling with feelings of loving her again.  It was almost normal.  That little slap on the arm…   very intimate, I guess.  It actually triggered me, because I remember one of my first red flags about OM was a conversation where she said she had kicked a co-worker under the table at work in order to make them be quiet.  I remember thinking “That’s not a professional thing to do.  That sounds like something else…”
Our interactions over the last two days sent me spinning.  I woke up today with my heart racing and a horrible feeling that was the opposite of yesterday; namely, a lack of any loving feeling toward her.  Yesterday, I could almost feel myself drawing toward her.  I wanted to text her after D8’s assembly and try to once again draw her back to our relationship and saving the marriage..

I’d been monkey braining that she hadn’t yet told me she had filed the D.  Even my attorney thought it extremely odd.  But, now I know with her biological father in the hospital, the D wasn’t a “priority.”  That’s something I’ve heard several times since BD. A very demeaning thing to say, as though she can’t be bothered with this monumental, life altering event. 
The events of the last two years have made me question just who she is, and who I was married to.  I question myself constantly.  I have so many theories as to who I am, or what motivates me, and why the marriage fell apart, that I don’t feel like I can keep it straight half the time.  I flip flop on MLC or just a bad marriage constantly.  That’s why, when there’s an interaction that seems normal, I guess it sucks me in.

Thank you everyone.  It’s so important to be able to come here and just bounce these ideas off of people going through the same thing.  I have very few RL friends that can empathize.  And the constant vacillation between standing and not standing, when everything seems hopeless.  Praying, praying, praying…
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Thunder

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Re: She filed
« Reply #56 on: June 12, 2019, 07:11:39 AM »
It's very hard when all you want is your wife back.  We all understand that, and felt the same way.

I think what finally helped me was realizing this was no longer my H, he was like some alien stranger who no longer wanted me or the marriage.  His feelings were shut off.

It takes a long time to realize who she was, she is no longer.

I don't think anyone meant you should be ruthless, not at all, just do what your L tells you is fair. Nothing more, nothing less.

If you two can co-parent in a friendly matter that is the best.

Put your W in God's hands, Dis.  Trust him and let go.  I believe God has a plan for all of us and all we can do it pray for his guidance and pray he keeps our spouses safe.  There is nothing more we can do.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #57 on: June 12, 2019, 07:28:23 AM »
"Letting go and letting God" is just another struggle, Thunder!   >:( ;) ;D
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: She filed
« Reply #58 on: June 12, 2019, 07:37:41 AM »
Dis,

Like Thunder said, I think that nearly all of us, with the possible exception of those that have had some real monster or have been physically abused, have gone down that EXACT same path, more than once... That not wanting the D, of still loving the H or W we knew for so many years..... Oh yeah, been there, done that, and still visit that place once in a while....

BUT, as Thunder noted, the Bug in the Edgar suit, that alien that LOOKS like your W is not the same person.  Yeah, I have had those moments where I could swear that it was REALLY my W looking out from behind STBXW's mask but that didn't change the fact that it was just that, a temporary occurrence.

As with any R, it takes 2 people working on it in order for it to survive. If your W has checked out, you are going to be in the position of a one-legged man in a butt-kicking contest. You simply can NOT do all the work yourself. As long as she doesn't want to, there is no place you can go... Someone else here once wrote "I can carry the load , the burden of the R for a while when my partner can't but I  am NOT a pack donkey. At some point, they need to pick up their part too and there may be times when they have to carry part of my load as well...." That is what an R is all about...

You noted that you woke up with a distinct lack of any loving feelings towards "her." Let me ask you a very pointed question for which I do NOT expect an immediate answer or an answer at all.... Who is "her?" The W you knew and were with for <x> years or the bug in the Edgar suit alien that has taken over your W's body?  If it was the first, I'd be concerned too because those are memories that one can not simply erase.  If you were not feeling any warm and fuzzies towards the Allen? Well, not a HUGE surprise there I would say.

The thing that the Mid-Lifers morph into are not particularly lovable, are they? Unfortunately, they happen to look, talk, and smell like someone we used to be intimately involved with and love as much, if not more than life itself... Separating the two is VERY hard...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: She filed
« Reply #59 on: June 12, 2019, 07:38:43 AM »
I know.   :-\

I hope some day you can get there because when I finally admitted I needed to give him to God such a weight was lifted off my shoulders.  I wasn't doing it alone anymore.
Believe me, it took me awhile.  A long while.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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