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Discussion Re: She filed
#60: June 12, 2019, 08:03:41 AM
UM -

Thank you for that.  You're right - the love certainly isn't there for the Men in Black reject.  I guess, however, there's a despair that comes with the struggle of not being able to separate who she is now from who she "was."  I know everyone struggles with it: was this who they always were, and they just hid it?  Was the entire 20 year relationship a lie?  Who should I blame if it was?  Was I broken when I met her, and therefore I got what I was looking for?  I think we've all experienced the horrible little kernels of truth that get sprinkled into monstering; for me, those have grown into a field that gets harvested on a daily basis.  It's still a struggle to this day not to think I spectacularly failed her.  The damnable part of it is:  I wasn't happy for a long time, either.  But I stayed, and remained faithful.  I had hope that we would eventually figure it out.  To have it all blow up and end in such a disappointing fashion is beyond my meager comprehension.  We can't even co-parent effectively.  I'm embarrassed by it, to be honest.
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

D
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Re: She filed
#61: June 12, 2019, 08:06:07 AM
Thunder -

It's a daily life struggle, for me.  It's not just about STBXW.  While my relationship with God has grown exponentially during this crises, and I actually believe that my failure to keep my W and myself in a Christ centered marriage may have allowed this to happen, I still can't just let Him handle my life.  Believe me, I wish I could.
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Re: She filed
#62: June 12, 2019, 08:08:41 AM
Hello,

Quote
put on your business hat.

This is so true. The court views your divorce as a business division. As OffRoad stated, "Don't be the Nice Guy." Yes! But don't be the mean guy either. Be the logical guy.

As far as the divorce goes, she filed, you responded, the ball is in her court. You just need to prepare by making sure you have a list of all your assets and debts. Both of you will have to file everything you have and what you owe.

Be prepared to negotiate, but don't feel obligated or be "nice".

You are doing well,

Ready
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

D
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Re: She filed
#63: June 12, 2019, 08:13:55 AM
Ready - Thank you for checking in. 

If this is what doing well looks like...  Well, actually, you're right.  Compared to a year or two ago, I'm light years beyond.  Thanks for pointing that out.

And thanks again for reaching out personally a few weeks ago.  That was an uncommon gesture and speaks volumes about your character.
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

D
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  • Gender: Male
Re: She filed
#64: June 12, 2019, 08:16:06 AM
Ready - may I ask what "the ball is in her court" means?  I don't want to start asking my attorney $300.00 questions.   :o  Is the timeline of the divorce still on her schedule?  Isn't there something that compels the participants to move forward with discovery?
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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Re: She filed
#65: June 12, 2019, 09:01:16 AM
Thunder -

It's a daily life struggle, for me.  It's not just about STBXW.  While my relationship with God has grown exponentially during this crises, and I actually believe that my failure to keep my W and myself in a Christ centered marriage may have allowed this to happen, I still can't just let Him handle my life.  Believe me, I wish I could.
There is also the school of thought that God helps those who help themselves. I am a firm believer that if there is a singular God, he/she does not do favors for some and not the others. Any God I believe in is not capricious. Instead you are given your life, and some guidlines and your choices. Make the best of what you have even when you get curveballs, or wallow in victimhood, or like most of us, run along in a spectrum of the two dending on the circumstances. In my world, we do our best, help those we can, learn from our experiences and pass them along for those who want the benifit.  But that is my opinion and just one way to look at things.

You cannot change her, only she can do that. She doesn't get to call all the shots. You have the right to leave things as they are, or change them.  My XH lived at home for 18 months before moving out. His moving out was the best thing that happened to me, though I didn't want it to happen.Without the constant crazy, I could get back to my own center. He waited another year to file for divorce (so he wouldn't have to pay child support and never paid a dime of support while living elsewhere). He got the papers to fIle together and told me he was filing. I told him it was stupid to spend money on attorneys, here's what I want, you can have this. He agreed and acted like a five year old when we filed all the paperwork. All smiles and so "HAPPY!" and "Have a nice day!" Really? You just destroyed 23 years and "Have a nice day"? If I had waited maybe I wouldn't be divorced now. Or maybe I'd be 15000 poorer. Who knows? I'm tired of second guessing evetything.

It's not sane or logical or anything that makes sense. You need to do YOU. Protect YOU. If you want to sit in limbo waiting for crazy to pass, that is your right and choice. If you want to move your life in whatever direction you want it to go and hope crazy passes eventually, that is also your choice. If you want to move on, still another valid choice. But YOU make those choices.What she does are just bumps in your road.

Taking your power back is the best thing you can do. JMO, based on my experience.
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« Last Edit: June 12, 2019, 09:02:46 AM by OffRoad »
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

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Re: She filed
#66: June 14, 2019, 05:28:50 AM
Hello,

It means she has to take the next step as to what she wants. After all there will be an order that needs to be created that outlines what each party gets or receives. I already knew what I was on the hook for based upon my situation. I negotiated most of the settlement in an hour with her attorney. I then retained my own attorney to review the documents. As a result, our divorce was relatively inexpensive. Because you have retained legal counsel, her attorney will only speak and correspond with your attorney.

A lot of the outcome will depend on yours and your wife's work and work income. If you both work, and make relatively the same income, expect no alimony. If you are like me, worked while she stayed at home for 18 years, then be prepared to pay unless you can prove she physically abuse you.

The ball in her court means has she presented you her demands? Do you know what she wants? What are the terms of the custody? Her attorney will send your attorney an outline of the settlement. Then you will respond and negotiate all terms of the settlement.

This process can go slow or fast depending on how much both parties agree. You are also right that some lawyers will try to spark a fight to drag things out at $300.00 an hour.

Fist bump,

Ready
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"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

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Re: She filed
#67: June 14, 2019, 06:29:31 AM
Dis, when I knew the divorce was inevitable I did a lot of my own footwork,

Researched our laws and spousal maintenance.  I got books from the library on divorce and what to expect and how to prepare.
Now ok, I'm a very analytical person and do research many thing, in order to understand them, but my lawyer told me she had never seen anyone who was so prepared, thanked me and said, this will cost you less money because you did a lot of the work I would have had to do.

So if you have it in you and have the time, or you have questions you can find the answer to without involving your lawyer it is to your benefit, financially.  Divorces can be very expensive.

I had budgets, lists of assets and paperwork for a lot of things she would ask for.
To be honest it also helped me to stay distracted from monkey braining.

What she told be to do with the assets was, go through every room in the house and garage, write down the assets, then put a price in how much you could get for those assets, not what their worth to you, but what they would be worth to someone else if they bought them.
There's your assets list. 
 
These are just suggestions Dis.  I hope it helps in some small way.
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A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

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Re: She filed
#68: June 14, 2019, 07:01:21 AM
Thunder and Ready -

Thank you for your responses.  Greatly appreciate the insight, as I know you have both been through the pain of divorce.

We had been to mediation several times over the course of the past year, although it always took months to drag her back.  As I've said, I was very poor at giving her space and just letting things go.  My fault.  There are many reasons for it, but I'm sure all LBS's have the daily back and forth struggles of just wanting it to be over, or standing, and wondering if they've wasted decades of their life on someone, or if it's just temporary (albeit long term) madness. 

So many of the details have been previously hashed out, and I hope that she stays with them.  The majority of the assets had been listed before I moved out.  A some point last year I did all the paperwork regarding assets, and provided it to her.  I went over the details of a years worth of expenditures when we still lived together and gave that to her.  I constantly provided all this information to her, while she would hide everything on her end or not have anything done when we went to mediation.  You know, typical MLC stuff.
Right now, she's agreed to 50/50 shared custody, something she said she would do from the beginning, although she tried many ways to contact D8 outside of her normal time when it was my week since I moved out.  I understood and allowed this, as I was concerned for both of them.  The mother/daughter bond wasn't something I was going to use against them.  I would call her out when it seemed manipulative or unfair, or an attempt to escape the consequences of her decisions, but I promised D8 (D7 at the time)that I would never stop her from talking to or seeing her mommy, and I stuck to that, even when it meant she would leave my house to spend the night at STBXW's on my week.

For the past year, she has disputed our separation date as the day I moved out, while I maintained that it was the day she moved into the spare bedroom and declared us separated.  The document she filed with the court states that the date of separation is when she moved into the spare room.  That's a big concession on her part, and it's a difference of six months. 

My attorney reviewed everything and said it was actual a fairly tame settlement request.  She discounted the request for me to pay attorney's fees as "boilerplate" and the demand for spousal support as unfounded based on our 2018 tax returns and that "the math is the math."  We both remain incredulous that STBXW stillhasn't told me she has filed.  It's been over a month, and my response has been sent to her attorney and filed with the court.  Will she never speak of it all the way down to when it is final???

We had a written contract with the mediator that we agreed to mediation and would not make any unilateral decisions, but I guess that meant as much to her as our marital contract.

Right now, my attorney says "Let's be friendly, which is best for everyone.  This looks like a very equitable settlement and we want to keep it that way."

And then, I get all the friendly behavior earlier this week and then back to DIM.  A touch and go? Some panic because she filed and knows I know?  Me monkey braining?  Who knows?  I get so concerned in my own headspace that I live in an MLC fantasy zone where I refuse to accept reality and keep looking for those little MLC signposts instead of just acknowledging that this woman fell out of love with me, fell in love with someone else, and she just handled the end of our marriage in a spectacularly poor fashion.  It gets very frustrating.
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M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
12/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

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  • Posts: 4117
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Re: She filed
#69: June 14, 2019, 05:43:39 PM
Hello,

I was going to write a post regarding your divorce and custody issues when I read this part of your post.

Quote
And then, I get all the friendly behavior earlier this week and then back to DIM.  A touch and go? Some panic because she filed and knows I know?  Me monkey braining?  Who knows?  I get so concerned in my own headspace that I live in an MLC fantasy zone where I refuse to accept reality and keep looking for those little MLC signposts instead of just acknowledging that this woman fell out of love with me, fell in love with someone else, and she just handled the end of our marriage in a spectacularly poor fashion.  It gets very frustrating.

I spent this morning going through your posts from approximately December 27, 2017 till today. If I read this correctly, your MLCer started monstering, she took off her ring and moved into another room, afterwards you found out she was with OM (he is a married man with children and a pregnant wife, sounds like a winner), a few months later, you moved out. There has been back and forth between you and your MLCer regarding the divorce. To protect your rights, you and your MLCer stated mediation regarding separation and assets.

Then without warning, your MLCer files for divorce.  Then shortly after filing your MLCer has a touch and go with you.

So, I am not going to discuss or theorize that you wife is a woman that feel out of love, met a new prince charming, and now is in the process of divorcing you. I think what you have posted shows a woman in crisis.

However, it also shows a man in crisis as well. Particularly in your responses and actions in regards to your MLCer.  I have identified four themes that emerge from reading your posts:

1. Your wife's affair and the snooping "issue".
2. The pressuring and not giving your MLCer space
3. Moving out
4. Your w filing for Divorce

Let's examine your wife's affair from your perspective.

Quote
LOL  Honey, you were having an affair that you lied about and gaslighted me on for an entire year even after being asked directly countless times.  But you're the victim and injured party here.   ???

This attitude and issue has been profound in your journey. In fact, I think this is why you sway back and forth on your decision regarding standing and being done.

I read through most of your posts and the interesting part is that even though your MLCer cheated on you, she turned the tables and blamed you. She made snooping on her equal to or even more damaging than the affair. You often wonder why she won't put anything in writing? Whenever you have confessed or acted honorable, she has used it against you. As an expert in twisting things to her advantage, do you think she is going to give you the opportunity to do it to her?

The affair had a huge impact on you. From what I have read, she has never apologized or even acknowledged the impact of the affair on you. This affair has an impact on your self-esteem, your self-worth, and your ability to trust. However, even in Marriage Counseling, the affair was not the issue, but your snooping was a problem.

The issue is that you are seeking validation for the hurt she did to your very essence and she won't give it to you. Nothing, if anything, it was your actions that caused the affair. You got what you deserved. Does this sound like a woman that fell out of love or someone in a crisis?

If there was anything I wanted from my ex was just a simple apology and acknowledgement of the hurt she did to me. I didn't ask for it and I don't think I will ever get it either. I am not saying you won't get yours, but at some point you need to accept that your w's crisis is her crisis and her choices are her choices.

I do have a clarifying question. When your MLCer and coworker were talking about OM, were they just talking about him as a worker? From what I understand, he is out of the picture. I still understand your MLCer being rude to talk about OM in front of you regardless of the situation, but the co-worker may not have been aware of the affair and was talking to her about another co-worker.

The second concern regards not giving her space and "pushing" her out. While I do not advise pressuring or trying to engage your MLCer in conversations, you may have not 'hurt' your stand. Your w is in a crisis and this crisis is her journey. You were also dealing with her and raising a small child. This creates a different set of dynamics as the child is still very dependent on the parents for support. My children were older and more independent.

The point is that your w made choices and those were her choices.

The third point is your moving out. While it is against the advice of HS to move out, I found myself doing the same thing. I just reached the point where I just couldn't take it anymore. Being invisible in my home while my w was online with her OM just eats away at everything.

So I get can understand your feelings and why you left. Do you really think that staying would have changed anything? The only thing your w may have considered is that you wanted to be free to date. They really think that way. After all, they are cheaters and justify by feeling that given the opportunity, you would cheat as well.

Finally, your w filing for divorce. From your perspective, you felt you were in control regarding the separation. Despite the difficulty, you were establishing new boundaries regarding your relationship apart. The divorce was another action by her to upset that balance and hurt you.

I understand and feel the pain. My ex was so proud when she announced in marriage counseling that she had filed. I think that was when I just threw in the towel and my stand was over.

I just wanted to bring these out because I feel that you are very hard on yourself. You need to let go- not regarding her, but yourself. Playing the "what if I had not pressured?" what if I had stayed home? game isn't helping you. It is holding you back.

I hope you have a great evening and my ramble makes some sense.

Fist bump,

Ready







 



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