Author Topic: Discussion She filed  (Read 1576 times)

Online megogirl

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Discussion Re: She filed
« Reply #70 on: June 14, 2019, 06:06:35 PM »
I understand and feel the pain. My ex was so proud when she announced in marriage counseling that she had filed. I think that was when I just threw in the towel and my stand was over.

Pardon if I'm butting in, but @ Ready why were you both in marriage counseling if she had already filed?
« Last Edit: June 14, 2019, 06:08:12 PM by megogirl »

Offline One day at a time

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Re: She filed
« Reply #71 on: June 15, 2019, 02:31:04 AM »
I get so concerned in my own headspace that I live in an MLC fantasy zone where I refuse to accept reality and keep looking for those little MLC signposts instead of just acknowledging that this woman fell out of love with me, fell in love with someone else, and she just handled the end of our marriage in a spectacularly poor fashion.  It gets very frustrating.
THIS! Exact same conundrum for me... I just back from spending a week with a friend.. After talking about the situation for a few days she said she feels like I'm still very invested in my relationship with H and that I need to accept he's gone. (She said it in a loving way but the message was essentially that) My first reaction was "She doesn't understand"... but is she wrong? Am I living in a fantasy where I still think there's hope where in reality there is none? Would I be better off cutting down my loses and accept H and I are over forever? How would a conflict avoidant person end the marriage "properly"? What needed to be different for me to see this as a "normal" breakup? His behavior is still out of character but his life has also been blown up (his own decision) and maybe he's just experiencing new things he didn't get to try before?  A lot of headspace used up with these never ending questions  :-[
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Treasur

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Re: She filed
« Reply #72 on: June 15, 2019, 02:50:26 AM »
One Day and Dis
I think peace comes when you find a way to accept BOTH truths rather than an either/or?
Right now, your spouse IS gone and your old marriage is over. MLC might explain why and all the crazy stuff but it doesn't change what is real now. Same for all of us.
And
If it is MLC, you don't know what the future will bring but you can take comfort in the reality that this is someone else's crisis and never was about you, nor could you stop it happening.
It is your choice if you want to shut the door firmly or leave it open a little. Jmo.
« Last Edit: June 15, 2019, 02:51:33 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: She filed
« Reply #73 on: June 15, 2019, 06:05:52 AM »
Hello,

Quote
I understand and feel the pain. My ex was so proud when she announced in marriage counseling that she had filed. I think that was when I just threw in the towel and my stand was over.

Pardon if I'm butting in, but @ Ready why were you both in marriage counseling if she had already filed?

We were at our counseling session doing our normal thing, when she looked at both of us and said, "I just want you to know I got an attorney and filed for divorce."

That's how I found out I was being divorced.

The marriage counselor looked at both of us and said, "This changes everything."

Really? very astute comment, Captain Obvious.

(((Ready)))))
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Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #74 on: August 13, 2019, 02:11:00 PM »
Hi everyone.  A quick catch up from me, the guy without an actual story thread. 

Well, last night, I put my pride aside one more time and offered her the option of trying to work on the marriage.  On the advice of my IC, and also because I was just missing her again and feeling horrible for D8.

We had a four hour conversation, and I think she may have come home from a date before we had it.  (More on that in a moment.)

4 hours is going to be way too much to detail, and I couldn't sleep afterwards and don't have a great memory about it,  but I'll try to summarize.

1.  She feels she's doing fine as a parent to D8, although she said things can always be better.  Almost seemed to think I was implying she's a bad parent for saying I was ashamed of our co-parenting efforts. 

2.  Doesn't believe we can co-parent.  Says she has huge trust issues with me still and they aren't going away.

3.  I am still mainly to blame for the failure of the marriage.  She does now admit to mistakes, but says she give it her all.  The litany of failures on my part is extensive, and as usual, I find it difficult to defend a lot of what she says.

4.  She considers us basically no contact since our huge blowout in December, where I brought up divorce right after she found out her mother was going to pass away.  I apologized for that again, and said I regretted it and nothing excused it.

5.  She filed for divorce because she never felt comfortable in mediation.  She did not believe our mediator was her advocate.  She said she did not intend to have me served without notifying me.  Apparently she had drafted a letter that was supposed to be emailed to me, and she was not going to have me served at work or in front of D8.  Oddly, SHE felt attacked when I sent the response over from my attorney without informing her I had hired an attorney.  Said it was very aggressive on my part.  I said I understood how that could be, but that I felt the same.  She wanted to know how I found out, so I told her I found a letter from an independent firm that monitors Superior Court cases in my mail box on our wedding anniversary.  She thought I had gone down to file myself.  Now, she just wants to let lawyers handle it by telling her where to be and what to sign.

6.  All the delays were not her struggling with the divorce.  They were her inability to handle the mediation sessions emotionally.  She needed three to four months just to recharge between sessions.  Said they felt like therapy and she just couldn't handle it.

7.  She told me if I don't think things are moving fast enough, to go to my attorney and have the attorneys deal with it.  She doesn't want to talk to me about the specifics of the divorce.

8.  I realize she's not good at validation,  at least not last night and I'm not saying I am either, but I do try to give her feelings and perception of things that happened in the marriage due consideration.  When I'm telling her my side, she constantly recalls things I said or did that contradict what I'm saying.  I called her out on it once, but I let it slide more often than that, since I felt it was not being heard anyway.  I don't know if this was a constant in our marriage.  I think it may have been.  I always felt like I lost arguments with her, and this may have been what was actually going on.

9.   She still marginalizes the lack of sex.  It's really extraordinary that she refuses to acknowledge the significance of it to me and the relationship in general.  I still hear that some couples go for years without it from her.  She doesn't think walking around nude is abusive, whether I asked her not to or not.

10.  Sounds like she trashed me to her mother for months after I left the house.  Stories of nights spent crying on the couch at her mother's.  In the end, she says her mother said she didn't need to see me before she passed away.

11.  I asked her if she recorded me in any way.  She says no.  I'm not sure about this as she seemed to be psychic when I lived in the house.  I WAS guilty of recording her, however, and she knows it.

12.  I asked her about the WOM at work.  She said it was sophomoric and never went beyond hugging.

13.  I apologized that she had seen that I had joined some internet dating sites.  She called me a hypocrite for doing it right after I moved out, since I had been adamant with a friend going through a divorce that he shouldn't date right away.  I told her nothing has come of it and she told me I was being less than honest.  I told her I wouldn't date until the divorce was final.  I then asked her if she was dating since she said she wasn't going to do so for a long time back in November and she refused to answer, saying this was no longer something we needed to share with each other as it was no longer our business unless it involved D8.  I said "So, you are."  She replied this was a boundary and that she wouldn't tell me if she was or if she wasn't.

14.  She said "Dis, you don't want ME."  I asked her what she meant.  She said "I've realized I need to be with large groups of people.  I'm a people pleaser.  I love concerts, and dates, and laughing out loud and going out with friends and co-workers.  I need to be with people.  I need to be a big, bright personality.  You need someone who will stay home with you and watch you play Playstation." 

15.  I asked if we were well and truly done.  She said "I'm afraid so."  I said "Well, I wanted to honor D8, you and our marriage by saying once again, I don't want this and I would be willing to try to work on it.  My lease is up in in a few months.  I can come home."  Then I joked and said "You'll need to quit dating, obviously."  She laughed, said I was courageous for reaching out, but that the lack of trust for her was too big and she's been in therapy and reading and journaling for a long time now and she can't get past it that we just don't belong together.

16.  Also that my behavior after bomb drop was abusive and bullying and that other people would have understood to give her space.

17.  She felt like all she was to me was a sex object.  (Lack of intimacy was a huge problem for us for years.)

There's a lot more over four hours, but it may be lost to posterity at this point.  I was a little gutted, but I guess it's what I expected.  I had a difficult time sleeping, as I said.  I got two hours and basically got up and worked out.  I loved D8 more than usual this morning. 
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline OffRoad

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Re: She filed
« Reply #75 on: August 13, 2019, 10:12:58 PM »
I am so sorry for you, Dis.  Those conversations never do us any good. We want to think they will, but how do you defend yourself against things with a sliver of truth, just enough to questions ourselves, all while they deflect from their own responsibility in anything. Do you know during one of the only conversations XH and I had like this (I avoided them at all costs after) he blamed me for the kids not having a 529 for college, when they actually had a college fund with plenty of money in it because I scrimped and saved and did without a lot to make sure there would be money for college? And I said "If you wanted them to have a 529, why didn't you start one up for them?" Crickets. It was all my fault because I put the money in a regular account. Yes, that's right. He didn't even save ANY money for their college, but it was all my fault that it wasn't in a special 529 account. How do you deal with that?

"I've realized I need to be with large groups of people.  I'm a people pleaser.  I love concerts, and dates, and laughing out loud and going out with friends and co-workers.  I need to be with people.  I need to be a big, bright personality. " JMHO Translation: I need to pretend I am someone other than who I really am to other people who don't know me and will think I am awesome because I know how sad and pathetic I really am.

"In the end, she says her mother said she didn't need to see me before she passed away"-- Do NOT believe this. It is likely a very big lie. My XH lied to a lot of people about me. Fortunately, they know me well enough to know he was lying.

"Also that my behavior after bomb drop was abusive and bullying and that other people would have understood to give her space." Other people WHO? Who are these infamous "Other people" who are SO very understanding when their spouse says "I don't love you, I want a divorce." NO ONE SHE HAS EVER BEEN MARRIED TO.

Might you have reacted badly at some point? Probably, we all do. That in no way negates the emotional abuse she has heaped on you. Her words are not truths. They are warped perspectives wrapped in slivers of pseudo truths.

Virtual hugs, my friend. These are some of the hardest times, when you want so much to have some hope, but there is nothing to grab onto.
When life gives you lemons, make SALSA!

Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #76 on: August 14, 2019, 08:49:59 AM »
Offroad - Thank you for putting another set of eyes on the results of this conversation.  I appreciate your experience in dissecting what I wrote and offering possible alternatives to the comments she made.

It's funny how in the minutes and hours directly following such an exchange, the feelings of hopelessness and finality swirl.  The inevitable questions arise:  is this MLC?  Were we really not compatible?  (We certainly had a lot of difficulties.  Communication and intimacy were an issue.)  Is she being honest? 

Then, a few other people put eyes on this exchange, and they come up with some of the same observations you have.  And those observations serve to change the hopeless feelings into something different.  But then, that gives way to other questions:  am I deluding myself?  Why can't I let go?  At what point does my "standing" approach stalking?  Was I emotionally abused by a narcissist and still suffering the fallout?  How long has she been lying to me?  How many times does she need to say "We're done" before I accept it?  I mean, the facts seem overwhelmingly against ever being a couple again.

Some friends say "She's testing you."  Others say "You've got to move on now."  All of it swirls around in my self imposed limbo.

I reached out to her the next morning and thanked her for her time and honesty.  I received this text back:

"I'm ok.  Tired.  As you, I'd imagine.  I, too, want to thank you for your truthful openness and courage in discussing sensitive, vulnerable subjects.  I feel a little better about our ability to get to a healthy, successful co-parenting relationship.  I am deeply sorry for the pain we have all suffered, it is truly heartbreaking.  My best to you Dis, always."

Some might view that as positive, and reason to keep standing?  I thought it seemed kind of final.  I then received an invitation to join a Slack account for D8, so we can share photos and documents related to her.  That also doesn't seem like someone who is contemplating a return.

So, therapy again on Saturday, where I get to continue to struggle with my perceived inability to grab a piece of reality and accept that my marriage is over, my W has chosen a new, shiny life, and my D8 will never again live together with the three of us as a family.

As STBXW said:  it is truly heartbreaking.


« Last Edit: August 14, 2019, 08:53:09 AM by Disillusioned »
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Thunder

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Re: She filed
« Reply #77 on: August 14, 2019, 09:20:35 AM »
Dis,

I'm so sorry.  Sometimes we have to get kicked in the gut a few times before we let go, because we so badly don't want to.  We hope that maybe one more conversation will get through to them, but it's like beating a dead horse.
Those conversations go no where fast, but hurt like h!ll.

I do believe once bd hits, the marriage is over.  At least the marriage as we knew it.

All we can do is drop the rope and try to heal.  We can not control one thing they do.
We can only control how we live our life.  You have a beautiful, young daughter to live for.
She needs her dad to be strong for her because you are the only sane parent she has.

Hugs


A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #78 on: August 14, 2019, 09:50:57 AM »
Thunder -
I know you have experience in this as well.  You've given me good advice about this before.  I really appreciate and value your input.

It's interesting that other couples, I guess ones not in MLC, can survive BD with a fair amount of success, at least from what I see in books and media.  It's the MLC ones that seem destined for divorce.  I keep operating like I can get through to her by following what my IC says (so far, NOT effective) or by assuming she's still a normal, feeling human being that can see the consequences of her actions on her daughter.

Additionally, I have an issue where I dissect what she says and it stops me from dropping the rope and moving on, although things just keep going from bad to worse in these conversations. 
For instance:  her insistence that she's left everything up to her attorney at this point.  Well, she filed May 7th.  Typically, financial disclosures from the petitioner are due 60 days past the day of filing.  We're over 90 now and she says she knows nothing about it and to contact my attorney.  My brain, once the flooding is over in the next few hours, overthinks it and comes up with *she still isn't moving on the divorce.  she has to know what her attorney is doing.  why hasn't she done anything else?*  And this allows me to go back into a defensive/limbo/standing mode.  I'm concerned with my mental health!  Everything she said can be twisted if I don't believe she's being honest.  Another thing my brain said the next day was *shes testing you.*  In fact, two people said the same thing to me that day.   :o

It's all so damn hard.  I just want my daughter to grow up with a healthy family, unlike her mother who went through two divorces as a child. 
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Thunder

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Re: She filed
« Reply #79 on: August 14, 2019, 10:15:21 AM »
Dis, just take her at face value right now.  She says she is done so in her head she is. You need to accept that for now.  I know it's hard.  How is going into a defensive/limbo/standing mode going to change anything?

Not that you can't stand if you want, but at this point you can't change her mind, so how is living in limbo going to help you?  Living in limbo is hard and stressful.  Living your life is easier.

Sometimes these MLCer's don't move forward with the D because it's not convenient for them.  Too much of a hassle when their in La La Land.  Ask Ursa about that one.  If you really need to know you can have your L call hers and see where it's at.
Or do nothing and wait it out.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

 

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