Author Topic: Discussion She filed  (Read 1546 times)

Online DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Discussion Re: She filed
« Reply #80 on: August 14, 2019, 10:35:01 AM »
Sometimes these MLCer's don't move forward with the D because it's not convenient for them.  Too much of a hassle when their in La La Land.  Ask Ursa about that one.  If you really need to know you can have your L call hers and see where it's at.
Or do nothing and wait it out.

This is where I struggle.  Do something regarding D or do nothing.  She's told me over and over I pushed her to this point.  She may be right.  I've reflected before on HS I had a real problem pushing for it once I found out about OM and I moved out. I couldn't keep my mouth shut about D.  About every four months of NC I would circle back around and ask her to go to mediation.  It's actually what precipitated her filing in May.  I asked her to return to mediation in April.  Did I really want a D? It doesn't seem like it since I never filed, although I got close once or twice.  I'd always pull myself back, though. I think it was the only way to talk to her, despite how horrible those conversations were.  Anyway, I'm a mess when it comes to that.  Nearly two years of therapy and still haven't figured it out.
« Last Edit: August 14, 2019, 10:36:02 AM by Disillusioned »
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Thunder

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Re: She filed
« Reply #81 on: August 14, 2019, 10:42:56 AM »
But Dis, you don't have to do anything about the D but you could just see where it's at.  Just for information purposes.  She's still the one who has to move on it.
Perhaps you would feel better if you knew what was going on.  She may not be telling you everything.

Oh no, I wouldn't move it forward either, you're not the one who wants it.  Leave that up to her.
If she drags it out, she drags it out.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline One day at a time

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Re: She filed
« Reply #82 on: August 14, 2019, 11:18:08 AM »
Dis, your IC probably doesn't get MLC. My IC told me the same 5 months ago, that if I still wanted H back, I needed to have that conversation with him. I simply told my IC that from where I was sitting, I didn't see ANY indication that my H wanted back, that I made myself clear the last time we had a R conversation in which I told him that I was not done but I understood he was and I was not going to stand on his way for him to do what he thought he needed to do. That if he ever changed his mind, I would be willing to talk but I wasn't going to wait for him. That was May last year.. Did I feel like talking about it again? Many times! But I always got back to the same point.. what else was there to say?

You made your position clear, she knows where you are.. Unless you see any changes in her behavior, I wouldn't bother talking to her again because there is no point. I understand you would like your D to have a full family but you can't do that for her on your own and your W simply does not care right now. One thing I would say though, as a child from separated parents, is that parents together with a dysfunctional relationship are worse than separated parents that can co-parent.. or at least that was my experience. My grandparents stayed together until my grandad died but their relationship was terrible, my mum and aunt are still suffering the consequences of that and they are in their 60s. Right now your W is not capable of having a loving relationship with you so it's better this way for your D. It doesn't mean she can't have you both in the future but not right now, sorry.

As for limbo... argh, I know all about it!! I was completely in limbo until a couple of months ago. I think you need to get to the point where you are just sick of limbo or your spouse's actions just slap you out of it (Mine was the latter) Interesting you have friends who tell you she's testing you.. My friends and family are all of the "kick him to curb" mentality so there was no sympathy there.. If D is still not what you want, then you don't have to push it although I agree with Thunder that if you are wondering, you could get your L to ring hers and see what's going on. I used to read all sort of messages into my H dragging his feet for mediation, paperwork, etc. Right now we are stuck with the mortgage transfers because of something he needs to resolve but I no longer see it as him having doubts, he's simply to busy in la la land to get the finger out.  ::)

All of this is hard to accept and it takes the time it takes to get there. I wanted to snap out of it so badly but no matter what I tried, my heart still felt the way it felt... You will get there eventually, just give yourself time.   Hugs!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #83 on: August 14, 2019, 11:18:21 AM »
Thunder - there's so many things that need to be taken into consideration by letting it drag on.  I think that's my biggest struggle. Financially, our house she's living in is probably not going to go up much more. It's at it's peak I would think.  Delaying may end up in getting less money if we sell (a distinct possibility.)  I'm not moving forward socially.  I can't see myself dating while still married.  There's so much uncertainty in my life in limbo.  I don't know how much money the D will cost, so I have to try to sit on every penny. I knew what mediation was going to cost (roughly.) I had that money set aside, but intuition kept telling me to save more.   Glad I did.  I'm barely putting the minimum into my 401K.  We need to start saving for D8 college fund.   The odds are we're going to divorce, so why wait?

I'm sure you understand.  I'm just venting to hear myself vent.  Frustration.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline Thunder

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Re: She filed
« Reply #84 on: August 14, 2019, 12:24:32 PM »
Dis, I definitely understand what you are saying.  Delays can cost you more money, it did me, but the alternative is you push the D forward.
It's the only two choices I see you have.

I'm assuming you are both paying for your own lawyers, so it is also costing her money.  Can she afford to drag it out and give her lawyer even more money?  Idk, because I don't know how much money your W has.

Hey you vent all you want, it's not falling on deaf ears.  We all were frustrated and did our own venting.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #85 on: August 14, 2019, 12:48:03 PM »

I'm assuming you are both paying for your own lawyers, so it is also costing her money.  Can she afford to drag it out and give her lawyer even more money?  Idk, because I don't know how much money your W has.

Hey you vent all you want, it's not falling on deaf ears.  We all were frustrated and did our own venting.

Unfortunately, she knows her lawyer.  Long time friend from when she worked in a law office.  I have no idea what he is charging her, but I will have to assume it's less than what I'm paying.

Her mother passed recently, as well, and I have to assume she's in line for partial assets of the sale of her mother's house, as well as anything in her mother's will.  I don't want, nor care, about any part of that,  nor am I legally entitled to it.  But it can help her buy me out of our house, or pay her lawyer.

And yes, I understand my two choices.  I certainly watched with interest on Watcher's thread.   :-[
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Online DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: She filed
« Reply #86 on: August 14, 2019, 12:58:00 PM »
One - I don't believe she does, although I've done my best to educate her and I've even asked her to peruse HS.  My attorney, an older woman, asked me right away if I thought it was MLC and said she sees it all the time with men and women.  She went on to describe everything we all know to be the case, while my jaw hung slightly agape.  It was like the stars were in alignment!  Then she said, and I quote "There's nothing you can do.  You can't control her.  You have to leave her be to do what she wants.  They usually divorce and then regret it."  She said she sees it a lot more in women these days than she used to.  She asked me if there was an OM like it was a 100% certainty.  I didn't disappoint her with my answer.  She said "You'd still probably take her back if she asked, right?"   :o  She's really good.  LOL

I know I made my position clear, but I feel like she's working with false assumptions (thinks I've been dating since I moved out) and despite the fact that I've said I don't want the D, I'm not sure she believes me because of how many times I've pushed. And that's my fault.  And, you're right, I don't need to say it again, but some of her thinking seems so foggy, I don't know if I'm getting through. 

I still don't want to give up, but she's actually making a great case that we aren't compatible and that's really getting to me as well.

But, she has a deep history of FOO.  It just seems like classic MLC. 

Thank you so much for your response.  It means a lot to me and makes a lot of sense.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: She filed
« Reply #87 on: August 15, 2019, 03:59:33 AM »
Dis,

She is NOT "working with false assumptions" with regard to you dating. She is projecting HER guilt from having an OM onto you... Projecting HER actions on to you to justify her actions... Nothing more than that...

Quote from: Disillusioned
despite the fact that I've said I don't want the D, I'm not sure she believes me because of how many times I've pushed. And that's my fault.  And, you're right, I don't need to say it again, but some of her thinking seems so foggy, I don't know if I'm getting through.

Of course you are NOT getting through the fog... NOTHING gets through the fog except what they want to hear and, if it DOES get through the fog, it gets cut out of the life immediately because that would mean that the Mid-Lifer is actually accountable, responsible for what has happened... She doesn't believe you because that is not what SHE wants. The fact that you don't want the D is irrelevant to her because it is what SHE thinks will "make it all better" and make all her pain go away... The fact that you are occasionally pushing it forward is totally irrelevant in the scheme of things and, at the end of the day, she probably won't remember it anyway...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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