Author Topic: Discussion She filed  (Read 2933 times)

Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 473
  • Gender: Male
Discussion Re: She filed
« Reply #110 on: January 30, 2020, 01:11:20 PM »

 In months and years to come, many details and other things that you were blissfully ignorant of will come to pass and you'll see them in hindsight and realize that you gave away too much of yourself in the process.


I think I already realize this intuitively... and it scares the hell out of me.  I appreciate the slap of reality.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
!2/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 473
  • Gender: Male
Re: She filed
« Reply #111 on: February 02, 2020, 05:26:38 PM »
Sitting here going through financial disclosures.  No football for me.  I started out well, but it's becoming way too real.  I miss my W.  I miss my family.  I miss my D9 more and more every week I don't have her.  I just needed to get this out.  I did this all in anger almost two years ago and got through it with no problem.  W kept putting it off and I felt like it wasn't really going to happen.  Now, she's pushing it forward and it's going to happen.  I want to call her and beg her to come to her senses.   :-[ :-X
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
!2/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3820
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Re: She filed
« Reply #112 on: February 02, 2020, 07:18:23 PM »
Hello,


 Don't call, don't plead. I know this hurts and you feel lost at the moment. However, your MLCer loses the most. She loses you. My ex left in confidence. She had OM, the divorce, my youngest daughter, and a good settlement.

Six years later, she lives mostly alone, works hard, and has accepted all that she has lost. I live in a nice home, with a loving family. I got both daughters through school (Okay two more quarters for the youngest) and my oldest is a teacher and married. Not everything is perfect, but I find joy and peace in my life. The major milestones of my life have passed. Just a couple more goals and I can say I accomplished all that I wanted to do and more.

You can do the same. You still have your daughter. She will grow to know what a fantastic man she has for a father and will look to marry someone that has your qualities. She will grow up and reflect you.

Don't be sad for the poor choices of your spouse. Be strong and confident about something I already know- you are a good man. Comfort yourself in that and have a good evening.

((((Hugs)))

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 473
  • Gender: Male
Re: She filed
« Reply #113 on: February 02, 2020, 07:48:12 PM »
Thanks Ready.

I really appreciate the vote of confidence.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
!2/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 473
  • Gender: Male
Re: She filed
« Reply #114 on: February 11, 2020, 05:46:51 AM »
I had several vivid, frightening dreams last night that I was presiding over an exorcism of W.   :o
I awoke a few times, heart pounding, only to return to the same dream

I rarely dream, or at least I dont remember them if I do.  This is probably the third or fourth dream I've had of W since I moved out two years ago.
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
!2/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 9792
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: She filed
« Reply #115 on: February 12, 2020, 02:01:14 AM »
I had several vivid, frightening dreams last night that I was presiding over an exorcism of W.   :o
I awoke a few times, heart pounding, only to return to the same dream

I rarely dream, or at least I don't remember them if I do.  This is probably the third or fourth dream I've had of W since I moved out two years ago.

For the first couple of years, I used to have very vivid dreams of having horrible arguments with xW, like screaming raging arguments where she'd be trying to take the kids and leave. I'd always go running after her trying to apologize so that I could still see my kids. Finally, about year 3, those dreams changed - we'd still have arguments but they were not so horrible and the kids weren't weaponized... Furthermore, I stopped running after her to apologize... It was to the point in my dreams where I was saying, "then be my guest and go." I haven't even had one of those in the last year or so (Year 4)...

This is your subconscious mind processing what your conscious mind can't quite make sense out of but it takes an alternate form than reality.... In dreams, it seems, that our subconscious takes things a bit to extremes and adds a heaping cup of "WTF?" to the mix in order to have our minds process something that we innately know to not be the reality but is paired with how we sometimes feel about it (like they are possessed or an alien has assumed their physical form)
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline DisillusionedTopic starterTopic starter

  • Sr. Member
  • ****
  • Posts: 473
  • Gender: Male
Re: She filed
« Reply #116 on: February 14, 2020, 11:59:55 AM »

We had another conversation where we were talking about attorneys and fees.  She agreed with me that things were "awful."  I asked if she was still committed to the D and she said she wasn't opening that up for discussion.

I told her I still loved and missed her and that I cry when I send D9 back to her for the week.  I told her I don't know how things went so horribly wrong and that the marriage wasn't great for either of us but that I didn't know why it couldn't be fixed. 

2 X 4's are welcome at this point.  I have no shame.  I mean; I'm not begging.  I'm just letting her know (ad nauseam) that I'm still open to trying to work it out.

Her last response was "I have a meeting to go to in a few minutes."   :-[ ::)  What are you going to do?   8)
M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
5/2019 STBXW filed D behind my back despite signed agreement to mediate.
I retain attorney.
STBXW still hasn't told me and no further action.
Elephant in the room has been addressed.  No further action atm.  Weighing my options.
!2/16/19  She files financial paperwork.  Divorce proceeding.

Offline Standing Strong

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 839
  • Gender: Male
Re: She filed
« Reply #117 on: February 14, 2020, 12:34:12 PM »
Ah Dis... no need to beat up on yourself. You're human and a good man.

She doesn't want to talk about it because it does hurt and she is wrong.

You cleared out some stuff you needed to say. It's on her if she plays ball or not. I think what you did was a good thing.

No regrets!!! She can run and that's her choice. You did the harder thing of extending a hand.

-SS
W - 38
M - 42
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Ready2Transform

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7777
  • Gender: Female
Re: She filed
« Reply #118 on: February 14, 2020, 12:45:23 PM »
There's absolutely nothing wrong with saying what you want and need to say, and letting them know where you stand. This is about you, too. Not just her! Part of expressing even the pain we feel has a role in taking our power back. You can't control her response, and you know from our other stories here that it's likely going to be selfish and lack empathy, but I agree that there's nothing to feel regretful for. Big hugs.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 9533
  • Gender: Female
Re: She filed
« Reply #119 on: February 14, 2020, 01:14:05 PM »
No 2x4s, not even a 1x2 but just a hug.
So normal, Dis, so understandable.
Won't make anything worse bc the runaway train was never about us or logic, and while on it tbh I'm not sure they care much what we think or feel, so as long as you feel ok, don't feel bad about it.

You said you'd had a (rare) bad dream recently about your w.
Perhaps this is all just a natural kind of anxious flailing/try harder subconscious impulse as we feel closer to a line in the sand?
No harm, no foul imho. (But she knows, Dis, so I wouldn't say it again  :) )
Dig deep and trust that God is on the other side of this too x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.