Author Topic: My Story Contact Continues  (Read 3994 times)

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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My Story Contact Continues
« on: May 14, 2019, 04:19:07 PM »
I can't believe this is my second thread.  Can someone link previous thread (is that what it called??????). 

Acorn I didn't see husband sharing the horrific abuse as action.  It was so strange because we were talking about light conversation and than he shared his story. 

Milly thank you for the encouragement.  I had stopped updating because there's not a lot to share.  Husband was here for D20's birthday party on April 20th. He stayed 3 1/2 hours. We're definitely comfortable around each other. 

I have a male friend from a Standers group that had a MLC and had an affair.  He went behind his wife's back and filed for divorce.  HE HATED HIS WIFE and the OW was encouraging it.  Now he realizes what a mess he made and its hurting him to his core.  But she will not let him into her life.  I asked him why, why throw away your family.  He had a lot of insight and did not deflect and blame.  Very interesting stuff. 

Previous Thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10633.msg725491 - UM
« Last Edit: May 15, 2019, 04:50:36 AM by UrsaMajor »
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #1 on: May 15, 2019, 04:51:50 AM »
I linked your previous thread and am following along...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Online Whyus

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #2 on: May 15, 2019, 05:54:05 AM »
Following along Tex, this should be an interesting Thread, I hope that your H keeps up the contact but please have no expectations and protect your heart.
You do not want to be a puddle on the Floor again!
He does Sound promising though  :)
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. Is tolerated by LaFamiglia
2 Sons - 20 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Schratz66

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #3 on: May 15, 2019, 07:38:32 AM »
Still following along
Me 53
H 51
AD 22 from previous R
Known H since 1993
Together since 2000
BD 06/21/2017
OW High School Sweetheart lives 4 hrs away

Offline Anjae

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #4 on: May 15, 2019, 01:03:45 PM »
Welcome to your new thread, Yellowrose.

I think I understand why Acorn's sees your husband's sharing the abuse story as action. It is talking, but it also doing something more than just talking. He is proving insight into his most intimate issues.

What was the insight your male friend who had a MLC had? Did he shared why he hated his wife? Most people don't take MLCer, or other types of cheaters, back. No surprise there.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline RedStar

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #5 on: May 15, 2019, 01:28:00 PM »
What was the insight your male friend who had a MLC had? Did he shared why he hated his wife?

I would be more interested in why, how, and when he stopped hating her (and when and why he wanted her back).

These things are just so strange and mysterious eh?

And Yellow, sounds like you are doing well--glad you're getting what seem like positive signs.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #6 on: May 15, 2019, 01:49:45 PM »
Following along Yellow!
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H and OW are together, presume PA  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #7 on: May 15, 2019, 05:22:09 PM »
Red Star I had lots of questions for my friend, let's call him........Fred. 

My question was why did he have an affair.  He said he felt neglected.  It started as an emotional affair that turned physical.  He thought wife was a bad mom and didn't deserve HIS kids.  The OW was going to be their mom.  His wife went out of town for a weekend.  While she was gone Fred took all the kids furniture and other stuff.  Than he went and filed for divorce without her knowledge. Thinking he was justified he planned a life with kids and OW .  The OW was there every step of the way.  He realized after filing for the divorce he had made a mistake but it was too late.  His wife refused to cancel (??) the divorce.  She's moved on with another man and now he's a stander. 

I'll have to ask what happened with the OW.  I wanted to know how he could throw it all away.  He has given me a lot of insight into my husband's mind.  It uncanny how our situations mimic each other. Including the same type of OW.
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #8 on: May 16, 2019, 11:45:55 AM »
I'll post more info from Fred later. 

I THINK my heart is guarded.  Husband said something that was slightly hurtful.  He told my girls 'I will always love YROT she's the mother of my children'.  So I guess I'm in the mom role and not woman role.  Maybe I'm over analyzing it????????? But I do not see it as a positive. 



Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline In the valley

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #9 on: May 16, 2019, 12:44:20 PM »
Yellow,
You're a member of a standers group?  Is it on line or in person? I'm curious where / how did you find that?  Following along as well.
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2019, 01:34:27 PM »
In the valley there are lots on Facebook.  Most are faith based. I started one called Joy in the Morning -Marriage Restoration but I have no one on yet.  It's for everyone not just Christians.  I left most of them because they advocate a door mat approach and EVERYONE wants to quote scriptures. I'm a Christian and thats a turn off. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Anjae

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #11 on: May 16, 2019, 04:33:02 PM »

Thank you, Yellowrose.

It is positive, even if it may not be what you would like. Much better than a MLCer who hates the LBS. Your husband is in MLC, for now he most likely sees you more as the mother of his children than as his wife. MLCers tend to stop seeing the LBS as their spouse.

What insight did you gain into your husband's mind from Fred?

Fred's wife may not be having a MLC. If she isn't having a MLC - many LBS just never want the MLCer back - standing doesn't make much sense.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2019, 06:32:55 PM »
You guys are correct.  I guess I want reassurance he see me as an attractive woman.  But that's my insecurity showing. 

I'm going to try and post some of Fred's statements.  In no particular order, here we go.   About the OW: she was an OK person, nothing special.  Realized she was a know it all and most people didn't like her AFTER the affair. He broke it off and OW accused him off treating her like a $l()t. OW pushed the divorce.  After he left his wife: knew he had made a mistake.  He used the excuse his wife wasn't coming home at night.  He didn't think about wife while in the affair.  It was after he moved out that he stared thinking about wife.  He's said about his actions: he didn't realize he was destroying his family.  The OW was divorced and told him it was OK.  He stopped being intimate with his wife to punish her.  He realizes he was wrong during the affair.  He gave up and folded.  OW told him  a lot about his wife, most true but it was to her advantage.  He thought wife didn't love him or the children During the affair: agreed to stop but couldn't.  Was more concerned for OW feelings.   Ended the relationship when OW only wanted a sexual relationship and nothing more. Thought they would  be together but after moving out knew it was a mistake.  Thought he was justified in getting kids away from toxic mom and wonderful OW. Fred reached out too OW while working on a project.  They were co workers.  He repeatedly asked her out for lunch until she realized what he was doing.  Than  texted each other about feelings and it progressed to a physical affair.

Tony said: husband would probably never admit the affair.  It's when they are alone and don't have a woman to put a band aide over their wounds that they miss us.  It's when they can't keep up the image they either find help or replay.  Most are scared, embarrassed and broken while suffering in silence.

I hope you guys can make sense of all of that.  It's a lot more and I'll post later.  I'm trying to read his IMs and put them together.  It confirms what we know about mlc. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2019, 06:34:26 PM »
Anjae I'll post what Fred said about husband later.   
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Online Treasur

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2019, 10:53:44 PM »
Thank you for sharing, Yellow. It sounds as if Fred essentially tried to steal the kids from his wife right? I suspect few mothers would forgive that no matter the circumstances.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #15 on: May 17, 2019, 12:42:29 PM »
Thank you for sharing Fred thoughts, Yellowrose.

How much time passed since Fred left until he realized his mistake? He does not seem to have lived with OW for years on end like many of our MLCers do. He also realized his mistake when divorce was about to come, which is something that does not happen with many, if not most, MLCers. Maybe his crisis was not so deep like the ones of many of our spouses?

Thought he was justified in getting kids away from toxic mum and towards wonderful OW. MLCers. Phew.  ::)

Most are scared, embarrassed and broken while suffering in silence.

I am not certain why/of what MLCers are scared, but they tend to. Broken for sure. Embarrassed? Probably, yet they keep doing more and more embarrassing things. Suffering in silence ... MLCers have relatives and non-MLC friends. Sadly it seems they do not talk to them about the matter.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #16 on: May 17, 2019, 02:45:45 PM »
He didn't think about wife while in the affair. 

That sounds about right. I mean, if the marriage was fine prior to BD, how could one? It could only bring about guilt, shame, regret and misery. I have always maintained, "Out of sight, out of mind."  My H is perfectly fine in his "other" world. Trouble is, that world  literally doesn't include ANYONE from his previous life--family, extended family, friends, me and of course his now-12 year old son.

Yellow--yes I think they do start seeing things different--you are "the mother" now. I think that is all they can process. It is hurtful b/c we used to be so much more than that to them. But they are damaged, broken people. It all hurts b/c we continue to take it personally--how can we not?  This is the part where we have to be super strong. I believe it is a phase for your H to get through. Part of reconnection.  This is the hard part I think.  Where you must have the patience of a saint. And that is NOT an easy task.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #17 on: May 27, 2019, 04:23:17 PM »
I don't post often because I'm not sure if contact with husband is meaningful or of interest. 

He was here today, Memorial Day in the USA.  D20 invited him over for dinner. He came VERY quick. Folks he was stressed and down today.  No bragging no prideful behavior almost defeated look.  He couldn't fake it today.  I asked him about it and he share all his family drama. He has a tendency to think he can force someone to see a situation his way.  I asked him if I could share my thoughts and he accepted. I told him exactly what I thought in a gentle way.  He listened.  He actually listened to me and agreed with my suggestions.

He stayed a couple of hours. Maybe I'm wrong but it felt like he wanted to tell me something.  This is the second time I sensed this.  Again, I could be wrong and wishful thinking. 

I discussed the visit with MLC friend Fred. By the way, I shared with him what you guys said about his actions toward his wife.  Per Fred, husband could have spent the day anywhere but choose to spend it with us (D20 and D22). Heart is softening. 

OK, my thoughts.  Husband and I are going beneath the surface.......a little.  He's opening up and sharing what's on his heart.  I share NOTHING!!! I will share NOTHING!!!! I do not want to go into the friend zone.  I'm not sure husband can give me more right now.  Today he was BROKEN and he realized it. 

I did throw a truth dart.  I let him know that if I needed someone to help me with anything it would be guys from my church.  Don't know he it came up but I let him know in a round about way that i would NOT call him for ANYTHING.  And I mean that!!!!!!!!!!
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Anjae

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #18 on: May 27, 2019, 04:36:56 PM »
Thank you for the update, Rose.

Nice that husband spent Memorial Day with you and Ds. Fred is right, husband could be anywhere else, but he choose to be there with you.

Husband seems to be changing, but try not to have expectations. We all know MLCers can flip-flop. It is good you have Fred to talk you, he can provide support and give you some insight into MLC madness.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #19 on: May 27, 2019, 04:58:39 PM »
Anjae thank you for responding.  I respect your thoughts and observations because you are logical rather than emotional.  I'm better with the no expectations. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Anjae

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #20 on: May 27, 2019, 05:15:03 PM »
You're welcome, Rose.

In all fairness, we all have expectations. And certainly, when a MLCers starts to change and be closer, we wish they get closer and Replay about to end.

However, I think we all also know MLC is not linear and that it tends to take a while until we will be able to know if the foward movement come to stay or if their will go back to a previous point.

That is why one of HS's mantras is keep hope, but let go of expectations (as much as humanly possible).

Truly hope husband is on a positive forward movement point and that he keep getting closer to you and Ds.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #21 on: May 28, 2019, 01:57:06 AM »
We are ALL better off with no expectations...

Yes, he spent the day with you and that MIGHT be progress.... What is more telling IMHO is that he chose to actually TALK to you a little bit....

When STBX wants to spend time "as a family," there is absolutely NO meaningful discussion about anything...

IF he continues to reveal bits about himself, it would seem that he is feeling more secure/safe around you....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #22 on: May 28, 2019, 02:36:40 AM »
After thinking about husband's visit I have a few observation , not facts, opinions. 

Husband becomes fixated on stuff/things to keep him from focusing on what really needs to be fix........HIM.  It's a diversion tactic.  If he had to face all the mess he created with me, his children and his church (he's a minister) he would see a cold cruel person that is very ungodly.

The sisters he is so worried about are both over 50, employed and one is married. There is no reason for all the worry and concern. 

One sister was separated from her husband but they are back together.  The sister and her husband allowed his family to divide and conquer. She was equally as guilty by bad mouthing her husband.

 The other sister was diagnosed with Manic-Depression.  She will not take her medicine which leads to....... you guys know the routine. I understand the worry and frustration.  However, he see her as selfish rather than ill.  He wants to use force and threats. I offered advice after asking if he wanted it. He seemed better after I gave  him my thoughts.   (I'm a licensed Social Worker with 30+ years of experience.)

Definitely not cooked.  If he see his sister as selfish and can't see the  a neon sign flashing across his chest with the words *SELFISH A##?!@E* walking than clueless, thy name is husband. 

To sum it up: husband is PROBABLY using all this gunk to keep him from seeing his mess.  Husband is using all this gunk to keep him from the bad sad disappointment of his failed dreams.  Husband is learning he's not in control. 

Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Online Treasur

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #23 on: May 28, 2019, 03:22:50 AM »
I hope you will keep posting when you feel inclined to do so, Yellow. Partly bc your observations may help others find their own perspective and partly bc writing it out may also help you see your own sense of the wood for the trees.

There was an old movie, can't recall the name, Jack Nicholson and Tom Cruise with the catch phrase.."You can't handle the truth." Putting speculation, justification or compassion aside, the factual truth is that many of our spouses or ex spouses did bad things. Dishonest things. Things that hurt other people who loved and trusted them. Things that were the opposite of the values they said they held and expected from others. Bad things that produced bad fruit for other people and themselves. Yet ironically there is no redemption in life without looking at the truth first....a very hard sad thing for anyone to do imho. And of course even for God, forgiveness requires stopping doing the bad things AND contrition...but you can't do contrition if you won't look at the truth of the bad things can you? Hence the unwillingness to see his own actions and culpability in the very things he is judging others for....maybe that will change, maybe it won't, maybe he will heed your advice, maybe not. Your observation about it as a distraction makes sense though. More outside stuff to avoid ones own stuff.

I suspect that your xh is fumbling his way forward slowly and that spending time with you all and talking out loud to you is part of that. Who knows where it will take him? Or how much or little a part you are willing to be play as things unfold? Your instinct to share nothing important of yourself or expect anything seems very wise to me. Tbh it is an act of grace to even keep a small listening place at your table....that is good enough. And meanwhile you get to press on with your own good life that you worked so hard to build after the destruction.
« Last Edit: May 28, 2019, 03:50:36 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #24 on: May 28, 2019, 03:30:32 AM »
Yep, what Treasur said...

And the Movie was "A Few Good Men." Demi Moore was also in it...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #25 on: May 28, 2019, 05:37:46 AM »
It must be amusing to you to see him ‘worry’ about his siblings’ R with their spouses. 
What I found with my H is that situations of others held up a mirror for himself, though he did not realize it at the time.  Talking about those situations indicated that they mattered enough for him to mention them to me.  Yep, the introductory chapter of projection 101

In hindsight, it was the beginning of self introspection, gradually superimposing his own image on the misbehaving characters in the stories he related to me.

If you have enough patience and grace to listen to him, he will feel safe to reveal more of himself as time goes on.  He is working through his issues by talking with you.  Some LBS do not want this and tell them get lost.  Some do listen.  I did.  Both are valid imo.

As long as all his ramblings do not get your expectations up and mess with your detachment, you will find it interesting and, sometimes, I dare say, ‘entertaining’.   :D

One thing to keep in mind, if I may, is that what he tells you is NOT about you, even if he talks about you.  It’s who HE is.
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #26 on: May 28, 2019, 06:26:33 AM »
I've seen that in my H lately too. He's no longer actively hostile or unfriendly toward me, but remains distant and clearly still trying to distract his mind with trivial things. I'm away from home at the moment so I don't see everything going on but he has expressed to me concerns several times now recently  about what his patients are discussing in the waiting room while he is examining other patients, even going so far as to ask me to bring him a device to listen in on their conversations!  He told me things will go quiet in the waiting area, then he hears a cackle of raised voices, then it goes quiet again for a while, and then repeats. I told him that perhaps people start talking when people they know enter the waiting room and greet one another and I told him it might be better to focus on the patients he is examining than what the waiting patients are discussing.  ::) It's like they need to find an external issue to involve themselves in so that they don't have to face the internal ones.

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #27 on: May 28, 2019, 06:34:09 AM »
Aahhhhh.......thank you guys for responding.  Essentially you Acorn because you are reconnecting and can help me connect the dots. 

I THINK i don't have expectations because he's giving me nothing regarding reconnection as a couple.  I'm also at a point that I THINK I'm OK with my life either way it goes.  I have carved out an OK life for myself.  Nothing exciting but it's my life and it's how I want it to look. 

Lots of thinking.  I was always the strong one.  I was always husband's cheerleader and the go to for pep talks for the whole family.  Acorn I'm OK with him sharing.  But I didn't realize how broken and burdened he is with his life. 

Y'all (Texas girl) this man is listening to me.  I don't say much because he is sharing so much.  He's broken. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Acorn

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #28 on: May 28, 2019, 07:08:17 AM »
But I didn't realize how broken and burdened he is with his life

Y'all (Texas girl) this man is listening to me.  I don't say much because he is sharing so much.  He's broken.

The way I see it, if his talks revealed this to you one way or another, you know it’s ACTION. 
If all he can talk about is what he had for breakfast yesterday, you know it’s only WORDS.

It would be nice to see some concrete action as well some time in the future.  Sharing his thoughts is a positive step, however, he needs to put his literal back into it eventually.  I think it’s too early for that, however, he can’t just keep talking for a year and not lift a finger.   After a while, sharing his innermost thoughts will become tiresome and pointless if action does not accompany it, imho.  Time will tell. 
« Last Edit: May 28, 2019, 07:53:21 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #29 on: May 28, 2019, 09:27:52 AM »
Acorn i didn't consider his sharing as action until you guys pointed out our to me.

Time will tell. I think seeing him so broken makes it easier not to have expectations. What can be give me?
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Anjae

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #30 on: May 28, 2019, 10:53:36 AM »
Husband becomes fixated on stuff/things to keep him from focusing on what really needs to be fix........HIM.  It's a diversion tactic. 

Would say this is what MLCers do. Anything to keep them from focussing on what really matters/needs to be solved, themselves. It may be one of the reasons MLC takes so long, always a new distraction.

Mr J does, or used to do, that thing of being so worried with others situation/relationship. Right before he left, when he already had said the day he was going to leave, he was very, very worried, and trying to fix, a relationship between a couple we knew. They were a younger couple who, essencially, was in the dating phase. Yet, Mr J was talking to bo to try to make it work, etc. Nope, he could not care less about his marriage.

There has been similar things along the years. Not that, so far, it has made much of a difference. Mr J is still in Replay.

Agree with Acorn, sharing thoughs is an action. Right now I don't think your husband can give you much, if anything. He is too broken and probably even has trouble giving himself something.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #31 on: August 04, 2019, 05:41:43 PM »
It's been awhile since I posted.  Milly I have read most of your story. Congrats on your tennis playing son.  Must admit I haven't read the latest updates.  Plan to do that later.

Husband and I are still in contact.  Family get togethers at my house.  I hosted a 23rd birthday party for my daughter.   Lots of food, fun and laughter.  Husband was very playfully teasing me. I THINK he was flirting and I flirted right back.  Very playful.

Apparently husband talked to both daughters about his foo situation. They don't know what to say and asked me to talk to him.  I did.   One sister was diagnosed with Manic-Depression and is a severe horder.  The other sister was diagnosed with Depression and is an alcoholic.  He's it.  Parents are deceased.  Lots of talk about other stuff that was extremely personal.

We found ourselves alone outside away from everyone and he talked and talked and talked.  I extended myself.  I told him he could call me to talk of needed. This was HUGE for me because of fear of rejection.  We shall see if it happens. 

Im interested in hearing from those restored or in the restoration process.  What did it look like? Not sure if we're moving forward or this is it. 

Oh, he bought ME a gift.  Forgot about that. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Milly

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #32 on: August 11, 2019, 04:37:59 AM »
Hi Yellow, thanks for the good wishes for my S's tennis!

I'm not in the restoration process as you know so can't give you my personal experience, can only say my view from reading about others these past 5 years. It does sound like your H is making progress towards you and the kids. It's been several months now that he has been moving closer so looks like it's sticking. I think it's wonderful that you were able to celebrate your D's birthday all together. I know that even my D22 who is so angry at her dad, would secretly wish to be able to have special days together.

I also think it's a good sign that he was opening up about his FOO. I have your exact fear of rejection with my H, so I know how hard it was for you to ask him to share with you. So glad he did, both for him and you!

Do you know if there is an OW lurking around? What was the gift, may we know?
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #33 on: August 12, 2019, 06:10:53 PM »
Milly it was perfume with matching lotion.  Not sure about OW.  He seems to overly open to coming to my house for get togethers.  But after 5 years I'm OK with whatever the future holds.  If all of this didn't break me I can withstand whatever he dishes out.

Funny story time. Last week while showering I was having evil thoughts about husband. I was telling God what should be done about husband. Since God is well, God, I suggested that He should really hurt him and it should be soon.......like.....today.  I was on a roll with suggestions for God.  And in case God was listening to others pray, I was saying it loudly so He and His angels could hear me over everyone else. Next thing I know, I fell COMPLETELY out of my shower and landed birthday suit naked on my bathroom floor.  Totally unharmed.  Needless to say, I apologized to God and His boys (aka angels) and turned running the universe back over to Him. 

Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #34 on: August 13, 2019, 01:03:11 AM »
The Germans have a saying "The Little Sins are punished immediately"

Sounds like your "slip" was something along those lines like kind of "Hey, I am in charge here and don't you forget it!" At least you didn't get hurt and can sort of laugh about it in retrospect... But I'm willing to bet you won't be talkin' smack to God again for a while....  ;D
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Milly

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #35 on: August 13, 2019, 01:17:40 AM »
Funny story, Yellow! I was really into it and thought what is God going to do about her H? Well I guess God gave you a 2X4! Has he been reading HS?

Hope you got all that anger out now and are feeling mellower. It helps to let it out, though. Envious about the gift. It's very personal to give perfume.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #36 on: August 13, 2019, 06:28:31 AM »
Ursa I'm a slow learner so give it another week and I'm back to talking smack and running the universe. But at least God loves me. 

Oh Milly, I often think when is it my turn to run about and be carefree.  Only worry is me.  But I'm not in crisis so I get to be the adult. 

Anyway, never much happening in my life so won't update for awhile. Must admit I could stand........something........not sure what but..........something. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #37 on: August 13, 2019, 06:53:32 AM »
Anyway, never much happening in my life so won't update for awhile. Must admit I could stand........something........not sure what but..........something.

You really DO like tempting fate, don't you? <snort>

Many of us are quite content with "quiet" and what some may call "boring." It is when things get "interesting" that we look back and say "Oh, boring was kind of nice...."

Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #38 on: August 13, 2019, 07:36:32 AM »
Ursa you're right.  I hear others talk about their lives and it seems exciting.  My life is work, church, home with a little shopping.  That's it.  But I'm not sure I want much more. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Nas

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #39 on: August 13, 2019, 07:46:18 AM »
LOL, YROT, I used to have many loud "conversations" with my H while I was alone in my car driving home from radiation treatment.  If God didn't smite me for some of the venomous things I said, I think you can rest assured you're safe and free to vent here and there.  ;)

Offline Milly

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #40 on: August 13, 2019, 10:59:29 AM »
Yellow, church, home, with a little shopping sounds perfect to me! Shame you're not a man!
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #41 on: August 13, 2019, 04:36:59 PM »
Learning to count my blessings Milly. 

Read a fairly new lbs post and it brought all the memories back. I'm coming up on my bomb drop date, September 2014. Usually send me cycling and in a dark place.  This year I'm in a better space.  I often wonder if this is 'it' will it be enough.  I'm not sure. 



Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #42 on: August 24, 2019, 10:09:57 AM »
Approaching the anniversary of husband BD. He left a couple of days after USA Labor Day. I struggle so much. Thinking back to 2014, BD Day and everything I went through. It's hard, so hard. 

After 5 years I'm stronger, but still hurt so much. Does the pain every really go away? Was all the destruction worth it? Just so sad, angry, hurt, discouraged and afraid this is 'it'.  Maybe it's a pity party day, AND I HATE PITY PARTY TIME.

Husband is still around and we are talking, we'll, he's talking and sharing. But I'm still so very sad. I miss being treated like a woman. I'm always surprised when a man hold the door for me because I assume no one can see me.  The totally invisible woman. 

I need you guys today.......just so........tired and heartbroken.  Please.........
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Nas

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #43 on: August 24, 2019, 12:51:06 PM »
I’m so sorry, Yellowrose.
My BD was not around Labor Day, but this Labor Day weekend is the 5 year anniversary of when H and OW first started up their fakebook messages that quickly turned into an affair.

Anniversaries are hard. I’m glad you are having some good communication that will hopefully help you look ahead to what good the future might hold, rather than thinking only if the past pain.
I don’t think the LBS will ever forget all that happens, but there are some great examples on this forum that show the pain does subside and the memories won’t always sting so badly.

Sending you good vibes.

Online Treasur

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #44 on: August 24, 2019, 12:55:55 PM »
Yellow rose, you know that we know how this is and that we are sending you all the hugs in our HS toolbox. You know too that this will pass; it always does. Or it fades back a bit anyway. And you know too to go back to basics....remind yourself of all the things you have done, all the things that have been valuable to you in the last few years regardless of your h's behaviour, breathe, do small things that comfort your body and soul, spend time with people who show you that you matter to them x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Milly

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #45 on: August 24, 2019, 04:01:47 PM »
Oh, Yellow, I'm so sorry you are getting flash backs of pain now that you face your BD anniversary. This happens to me at the time of BD and my IC always points it out to me. I mean that I get very low around the BD date even though I had almost forgotten it and thought it was no longer a big deal because I've faced so much these past 5 years. I think your body still holds bruises from BD. As Treasur said, it will pass. Yellow, nothing will be as bad as BD. Maybe you are feeling vulnerable right now because your H has been communicating and your body is scared to face that pain again. Like having a PTSD episode. Just breathe, get some chamomile tea, distract yourself in some manner, and get to tomorrow.

Big hugs, Milly, xxxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #46 on: August 24, 2019, 05:07:54 PM »
Hi Yellow. What you said about bring invisible really resonated with me. I feel the same way. And I miss my H looking at me like a woman too. The thing that gets me through it though is knowing that these mlcers are truly not right in the head. And though they might have or have had a companion for a time (some ongoing), it isn’t the same as the R WE had with them. Bc they are changed. They are in such a depression that they are not capable of the mature and true intimacy shared by equals who fell in love under normal circumstances. Not bc they are running, avoiding, blaming, destroying. I know you know all this but it helps me to remember it too. Your H talking to you now, albeit not the same way he did before, is really a positive. He is massively damaged but it does seem he’s trying. Which is quite extraordinary.

But also, this will pass. I’m sorry you are feeling sad. Unfortunately it comes with the territory. Feeling sad and missing our mlcers is a good thing bc it shows that we are human with an immense ability to love unconditionally. And that kind of love doesn’t just go away. Not even for an mlcer.
Me 48
H 47
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #47 on: August 24, 2019, 08:19:01 PM »
Thank you. Small words but BIG meaning. Having people that 'get it' is a blessing. 

Went to a pot luck at church for middle ages members. Had a blast. I'll get through it. What choice do I have?
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Milly

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #48 on: August 25, 2019, 03:00:15 AM »
Glad to hear you're fighting back and cycling back up Yellow. We have no choice as you say. Hope you have a peaceful Sunday.xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #49 on: August 27, 2019, 06:30:07 AM »
It is somewhat ironic but the "holding the door" thing is something I noticed but on the opposite side.

Our choir is about 60%/40% split between men and women with the higher voices dominating.  Of the men, 2 are divorced (or soon will be - and the one that is is a Mid-Lifer), 2 are happily married, 3 are under the age of 25..... Of the women, there are at least 4 married or in LTR's, one U25 (who has been in an LTR with one of the U25 men), a couple of divorcees, a few that are single, etc.

The reason I found the door thing ironic is that I'm a door holder.... Doesn't matter for who.... But the reactions of the different women was very interesting... the married ones all smiled and said "Thank you," the divorcees were flattered, and the singles seemed embarrassed...

The other thing that I noticed was that, except for one guy (who is the H of one of our Sopranos and was on the trip with us), I didn't see any of the other unmarried guys holding a door for the others.... So maybe I am an anachronism....

Having deviated from the topic at hand, however, the anniversaries have less and less of an effect as time goes by I think... I don't think that it ever totally disappears but it gradually moves from the knife in the heart to the kick in the shins to the step on the toe.....
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
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Offline In the valley

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #50 on: August 27, 2019, 09:55:37 AM »
My BD was 8/31 right before labor day too.  I'm coming up on 2 years in.  I got a call from a New York area code few days ago.  I picked it up and triggered lot of anxiety.  It was a pharmacy calling to tell me my daughters prescription was ready.  She's on my insurance, so my number is in their system.  I sort of want to hear from them but also really don't.  Anyway it went away as soon as I realized what it was.  But there are those things that can stir you up.

The thing is, it's so hard to get closure.  It's such a shock and I see many similarities in these stories but even after what's been done to us, it's hard to come to a place we can be satisfied we've done the right thing.  The hangup in our lives is another part of the cruelty of what our spouses did to us.

Holding the door for someone, It's just a common courtesy people should have for each other and our exs will treat us like absolute crap and makes us feel like crap.  Don't be a door mat!  you are certainly worth having the door held for.     
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #51 on: October 05, 2019, 09:26:11 AM »
I'm not here a lot because of a variety of reasons. I try to follow threads but rarely comment.  All that to say........I survived husband MLC. 

Husband is still around and we're comfortable around each other. He's giving me compliments ("you're an attractive woman", "you are a good mom"). He TRIED to compliment me by saying I'm aging like fine wine 😲.  I think he realized that one should have been left unsaid. But, he said, he's trying 🤨. 

He showed up one evening looking horrible. Red eyes and extremely tired.  The arrogant boastful man that left in 2014 is replaced with a pudgy older man with a belly.  Life and people showed him who he really is and i suspect that's what humbled him.  If plans are being made with our 3 children he now include himself, which is OK.  I'm comfortable around him.  He LOVES teasing me and reminiscing. 

Husband shared that he's a homebody.  Son lives with his dad and said he's always in bed.  Pre-mlc both of us were home bodies and spent our together with our children. 

Are we back together, no. No talk of restoration. Nothing about the 'real' issues, the hard issues. That will have to happen or there will never be a deeper relationship.  I can forgive but I must know that you really get what you did and how that I impacted me forever.  He has to learn the new YellowroseofTexas. 

So, that's where we are.  I really enjoy being around this husband.  He compliments freely and look for opportunities to be part of his family.  He's asking questions about me BUT I'm not sharing ANYTHING. I no longer obsess about the meaning of what he say or don't say.......I'm not doing that anymore.  What will be will be. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Milly

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #52 on: October 05, 2019, 04:56:17 PM »
Hi Yellow, thanks for updating. Sounds like your H is making constant steps to reconnect. Glad to hear you don't worry any more about what he does or does not say. I suspect it's still early in the reconnection and that is why you are not getting some of the answers you will need. I think about this at times. If my H were to come back, I would need some answers, but I think I'm at a point where I wouldn't expect the answers right away. I think the sooner they come back, the more patient the LBS needs to be as the MLCer is still working through some of his issues. I think it's much harder if the MLCer comes back early, even though it's what most of us dreamt of.

I have been reading Heart to Heart's threads again (she reconciled). When her H came back, he was so grateful, so wanting to make it right with her, but he had been gone over 6 years so possibly he'd had enough time to reach a more mature stage. I don't think your H is coming back early, however, it's on the earlier side. He might still be processing.

Good for you for seeing it for what it is. Best of luck to you both. I, of course, wish it to work out for you both. xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Anjae

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #53 on: October 05, 2019, 05:11:10 PM »
Thank you for the update, Rose.

I don't know if your husband come back early. He may had, he may not. Time will tell.

No talk of restoration. Nothing about the 'real' issues, the hard issues. That will have to happen or there will never be a deeper relationship.

Indeed this will have to happen. Maybe your husband isn't ready for it yet. Some MLCers seem to be ready for those things faster than others.


I think the sooner they come back, the more patient the LBS needs to be as the MLCer is still working through some of his issues.

I think the sooner they come back, the more patient the LBS needs to be as the MLCer is still working through some of his issues.


Not sure if this is so. Coming back later does not seem to require less patience. It usually means there is far more issues and damage to deal with and that the person spend more years being immature.

As a general rule, MLCers do not return having worked on their issues. Replay does not tend to be the place/stage where issues are sorted.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #54 on: October 05, 2019, 07:01:26 PM »
Milly how can I find the thread? I struggle finding my thread. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Milly

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #55 on: October 07, 2019, 09:26:13 AM »
It was Heart to Heart's thread. Here:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8222.0

I hope it works.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #56 on: October 07, 2019, 09:41:12 AM »
May I offer my experience re a similar phase we went through once upon a time?  A sample of one...

My H behaved somewhat like your H has been doing.  At the time, I wasn’t sure if he was trying to reconnect with me or not.  I realized after a while that he was trying to touch base with his pre-MLC life in general, and not necessarily attempting to reconnect with each individual in our family, FOO and friends. 

Your attitude ‘ What will be will be’ is just the thing -  enjoying each moment as they appear, and not spending your precious mental energy reading into his words and actions. 

Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #57 on: October 07, 2019, 10:37:00 AM »
Thanks Milly. I caught up on your thread. 

Anon so glad you chimed in.  I planned to read your threads. Husband confuses me and I suspect he's confused by me.

Update: Spent Friday evening together.  Once again a nice pleasant evening. But I was a bad bad girl.  We sat opposite each other in different chairs sharing the same footrest.  Husband is a leg man. So I made sure my legs were 'accidentally' on display taking full advantage of the opportunity.  May not be young and hot but I know how to work what I got. 

Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Acorn

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #58 on: October 07, 2019, 11:38:53 AM »
You mean me, Acorn, not Anon?  Don’t worry, you are not the first one to get mixed up with our names!  ;D

I can safely bet I wrote about my excitement that my H was reconnecting with ME if you read my backstory.  Yep, I was reading too much into the tea leaves.  The guy was just getting reacquainted with his pre-BD life.

I’m glad I did not pursue or pressure him at all.  You just don’t know if/when he was going to stop with all that reacquainting efforts and bail.  I left him to it and responded in kind, not a cent more. 

Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #59 on: October 07, 2019, 04:26:47 PM »
Sorry about that Acorn.  I'm finally at a point in my life that I'm OK with whatever happens.  I finally realize I am enough, dare I say, the perfect me. 

Husband invites himself over. My son lives with him and whenever we plan something with son, dad is here.  I ask NO questions.  Warm and inviting to my guest and that's it. 

Acorn I plan to read your thread tonight.
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #60 on: October 23, 2019, 07:42:20 AM »
Update: Spent Friday evening together.  Once again a nice pleasant evening. But I was a bad bad girl.  We sat opposite each other in different chairs sharing the same footrest.  Husband is a leg man. So I made sure my legs were 'accidentally' on display taking full advantage of the opportunity.  May not be young and hot but I know how to work what I got.



Perfect! Remind him of what he walked out on...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #61 on: October 27, 2019, 01:27:27 PM »
Lol.... I think he may remember Ursa. 

A couple of days ago husband had a colonoscopy.  He asked D23 to provide transportation.  She took him but was called into work.  So, YellowroseofTexas to the rescue.  I waited with him until he was called back.  He's asking questions about my life and future plans. By profession I'm a Social Worker. I ask questions not answer questions.  VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!!!!

I THINK husband told the medical staff I was his wife because after the procedure that's what/who they referred to me, Mrs.  YellowroseofTexas.  Husband, ex actually, came back to my house to recover.  We talked politics (share the same views) and lots of meaningless talk about nothing.  He's still flirting (my toes are pretty 😆).  🤮

He came by yesterday to talk to our girls (yeah, right).  I'm now a wonderful mother, cook, housekeeper and all around good person.  Haven't heard if I'm was a good wife. He's offering to help me (THE ANSWER IS HELL NO).  My car needed major repair work and I was without a car for almost a week. He offered to help me get to/from work.  Today he wanted to bring take-out.  The answer is always  a polite no. Why? Because I never ever never ever ever ever ever want him to think I can't manage without him. 

I'm so STUBBORN and refuse anything from him.  Why? I'm not sure if his intent.  We have not had 'that' conversation and until that happens............nothing happens. 

Am I being unreasonable?
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Notinlimbo

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #62 on: October 27, 2019, 02:09:21 PM »
Attaching yrot  :D
Me 60
H 59
D 27
BD March 15
OW ex from 34 years ago

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #63 on: October 29, 2019, 08:17:02 AM »
Quote from: Yellowroseoftexas
I'm so STUBBORN and refuse anything from him.  Why? I'm not sure if his intent.  We have not had 'that' conversation and until that happens............nothing happens.

Am I being unreasonable?

It depends on what "that" conversation is, how long you wish to wait to have it, who will initiate it, and under what conditions. From my view, there is a MASSIVE difference between
Quote from: Yellowroseoftexas
Because I never ever never ever ever ever ever want him to think I can't manage without him.
and letting him spring for take-out.  That COULD be a way to judge his intentions and to perhaps (if that is what you are looking towards) allow him to walk the walk instead of talking the talk.... Allowing him to do things that, if he chooses NOT to do, have no real impact on your life like take-out (minor inconvenience if he bails or no-shows) as opposed to transportation to and from work (which impacts your life in a real and detrimental way)... You know, that "Baby Step Principle" of "The Journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step" kind of thing.

But, if it is all hinging on having a specific conversation, that could take a while, if ever. H may or may not realize at all that you need "that" conversation to happen and, if he DOES recognize it, he may be at a loss on how to start it because he knows what he has done. He may very well be scared poopless to admit what you already know (or maybe things that you might NOT already know).  The possibilities are fodder for monkey-braining....

Again, talk is cheap but consistent actions combined with consistent words give a REAL insight into the chaos between the ears of the Mid-lifer...

Take a look maybe at Acorns threads as I do see some similarities between the way her H started sniffing about  initially on his way home and the way your xH is beginning to poke his head out of the fog...
Me - 56
xW - 49
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Tyks

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #64 on: October 29, 2019, 03:35:27 PM »
I think not needing anything from them is a double edged sword. Maybe he thinks that if you never ever ever ever need anything from him then he feels useless ?

We have heard time and again about the white knight theory. My xh's ow "needed" him. I did not. I was a strong capable woman. I feel like he went that route because he needed and wanted to feel needed.

It is not a sign of weakness to need or want help from him. Although I felt like you did for a long time. Now that I'm homeless(house isn't ready yet) and xh has the family dog and d17 I realize that I do need his help and so far he is happy to help. I am way past standing or even considering any reconciliation but there comes a point where looking and feeling strong gets old. Imho anyway.

I know that I can can be happy and live quite well by myself but sometimes it is nice to relinquish the control and just let people help.

If you want reconciliation maybe you should accept his overtures ?
Me 49
Him 49
22 years together - Married 20
BD1 - August 26, 2016 - ILYBINILWY
BD 2 - August 28, 2016 - OW discovered EA - Kicked him out
D16 D19
April 2017 - Legal Separation Agreement
August 2017 - I filed for divorce
Divorce final February 12 2018

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #65 on: October 30, 2019, 02:47:11 AM »
Oh Ursa thank you for a male's viewpoint. It is so much easier to have clarity when it's not your life.  I just don't want to appear clingy or needy. And so many of his words during bomb drop ring in my ears.  The words of the OW are etched in my soul.  But, I get it, baby steps.  Truly I did not see the difference between take-out or giving me a million dollars.  That's something I will need to work on.  Maybe 'the' conversation may never and I'll have to except it 😢.

Reconnecting is hard.  I suspect reconciliation is even harder.  I have a friend that is trying to "fix me up" with a really nice guy (her words) but I'm just not interested. My heart belong to my husband. When I was with him during the colonoscopy i was a wife again and it felt.............right.  The two of together, alone, felt so........normal. 

Well HS family I have some thinkin' to do. I have allowed God to led me in this journey and will continue to do so.  If husband is moving at a snails pace than I'm moving at a slugs pace. 

Big old YellowroseofTexas thank you for your comments. And now to re-read Acorn (I think it was Acorn's story???).
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #66 on: October 30, 2019, 02:57:54 AM »
If you want reconciliation maybe you should accept his overtures ?

Tyks yes I want restoration of my marriage. I'm going to try really really really hard to allow him to help me, in small things.  My heart is so guarded that nothing is piercing the heavy equipment that is surrounding it.  That's not good. 

Today is our wedding anniversary.  Today would have been our 26th wedding anniversary.  Bittersweet because I'm in a good space mentally but God I miss and love that man. 

Maybe, just maybe, he will remember how happy we were 26 years ago today. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Acorn

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #67 on: October 30, 2019, 03:05:57 AM »
May I offer my frank view? 

He is paying compliments and offering help.  How else would one begin to reach out? 

Only so many times a person will offer his goodwill gestures before he quits when faced with repeated rejections.  It appears as if his opinion of you, or more likely, your opinion of yourself, matters considerably more than recognizing his efforts to build a positive connection with you, as illustrated in ‘I never ever never ever ever ever ever want him to think I can't manage without him’   

It takes two to tango.  He is reaching out and you are swatting his hand away, albeit politely. 

It’s probably too early to ponder upon his intentions.  I doubt that even he knows and he is testing the waters right now.  One thing is sure - he would like to have a positive relationship with you.  That’s a good start, only if you are interested in having the same.  If not, refuse his extended hand without any qualm.

Just my 2 cents’ worth.  I mean well.

Added later: Oops, we were posting at the same time, Yellow!
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #68 on: October 30, 2019, 07:34:54 AM »
Acorn thank you for your .02 cents and I so appreciate it.  It's so hard to see clearly.  I didn't recognize husband's actions.  This is so much harder than I thought.  I plan to read your story after work today.

Anyone and everyone please correct me when my thinking is stinking. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #69 on: November 19, 2019, 06:24:40 PM »
Hello friends.

I don't post often or read as many threads anymore due to work. But I'm still here and MLC husband is still around.  We are reconnecting, not reconciling..........yet.

Husband is coming over for Thanksgiving. He told d20 and d23 he didn't have anywhere to go. So they invited him to our house, which is OK.  The two of us are menu planning together.  This is our first Thanksgiving together since 2013.

So, we continue on. Not sure where the road will lead but it feels good.
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Milly

  • Hero Member
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  • Posts: 2864
  • Gender: Female
Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #70 on: November 20, 2019, 02:26:57 AM »
Thanks for updating us, Yellow, and very happy to hear that things are good at the moment. I can't imagine what it would feel like to have your H for Thanksgiving after 6 years. I hope you have a lovely day.
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

 

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