Author Topic: My Story Contact Continues  (Read 2140 times)

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starter

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My Story Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #10 on: May 16, 2019, 01:34:27 PM »
In the valley there are lots on Facebook.  Most are faith based. I started one called Joy in the Morning -Marriage Restoration but I have no one on yet.  It's for everyone not just Christians.  I left most of them because they advocate a door mat approach and EVERYONE wants to quote scriptures. I'm a Christian and thats a turn off. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Anjae

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #11 on: May 16, 2019, 04:33:02 PM »

Thank you, Yellowrose.

It is positive, even if it may not be what you would like. Much better than a MLCer who hates the LBS. Your husband is in MLC, for now he most likely sees you more as the mother of his children than as his wife. MLCers tend to stop seeing the LBS as their spouse.

What insight did you gain into your husband's mind from Fred?

Fred's wife may not be having a MLC. If she isn't having a MLC - many LBS just never want the MLCer back - standing doesn't make much sense.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #12 on: May 16, 2019, 06:32:55 PM »
You guys are correct.  I guess I want reassurance he see me as an attractive woman.  But that's my insecurity showing. 

I'm going to try and post some of Fred's statements.  In no particular order, here we go.   About the OW: she was an OK person, nothing special.  Realized she was a know it all and most people didn't like her AFTER the affair. He broke it off and OW accused him off treating her like a $l()t. OW pushed the divorce.  After he left his wife: knew he had made a mistake.  He used the excuse his wife wasn't coming home at night.  He didn't think about wife while in the affair.  It was after he moved out that he stared thinking about wife.  He's said about his actions: he didn't realize he was destroying his family.  The OW was divorced and told him it was OK.  He stopped being intimate with his wife to punish her.  He realizes he was wrong during the affair.  He gave up and folded.  OW told him  a lot about his wife, most true but it was to her advantage.  He thought wife didn't love him or the children During the affair: agreed to stop but couldn't.  Was more concerned for OW feelings.   Ended the relationship when OW only wanted a sexual relationship and nothing more. Thought they would  be together but after moving out knew it was a mistake.  Thought he was justified in getting kids away from toxic mom and wonderful OW. Fred reached out too OW while working on a project.  They were co workers.  He repeatedly asked her out for lunch until she realized what he was doing.  Than  texted each other about feelings and it progressed to a physical affair.

Tony said: husband would probably never admit the affair.  It's when they are alone and don't have a woman to put a band aide over their wounds that they miss us.  It's when they can't keep up the image they either find help or replay.  Most are scared, embarrassed and broken while suffering in silence.

I hope you guys can make sense of all of that.  It's a lot more and I'll post later.  I'm trying to read his IMs and put them together.  It confirms what we know about mlc. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #13 on: May 16, 2019, 06:34:26 PM »
Anjae I'll post what Fred said about husband later.   
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Online Treasur

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #14 on: May 16, 2019, 10:53:44 PM »
Thank you for sharing, Yellow. It sounds as if Fred essentially tried to steal the kids from his wife right? I suspect few mothers would forgive that no matter the circumstances.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Anjae

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #15 on: May 17, 2019, 12:42:29 PM »
Thank you for sharing Fred thoughts, Yellowrose.

How much time passed since Fred left until he realized his mistake? He does not seem to have lived with OW for years on end like many of our MLCers do. He also realized his mistake when divorce was about to come, which is something that does not happen with many, if not most, MLCers. Maybe his crisis was not so deep like the ones of many of our spouses?

Thought he was justified in getting kids away from toxic mum and towards wonderful OW. MLCers. Phew.  ::)

Most are scared, embarrassed and broken while suffering in silence.

I am not certain why/of what MLCers are scared, but they tend to. Broken for sure. Embarrassed? Probably, yet they keep doing more and more embarrassing things. Suffering in silence ... MLCers have relatives and non-MLC friends. Sadly it seems they do not talk to them about the matter.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #16 on: May 17, 2019, 02:45:45 PM »
He didn't think about wife while in the affair. 

That sounds about right. I mean, if the marriage was fine prior to BD, how could one? It could only bring about guilt, shame, regret and misery. I have always maintained, "Out of sight, out of mind."  My H is perfectly fine in his "other" world. Trouble is, that world  literally doesn't include ANYONE from his previous life--family, extended family, friends, me and of course his now-12 year old son.

Yellow--yes I think they do start seeing things different--you are "the mother" now. I think that is all they can process. It is hurtful b/c we used to be so much more than that to them. But they are damaged, broken people. It all hurts b/c we continue to take it personally--how can we not?  This is the part where we have to be super strong. I believe it is a phase for your H to get through. Part of reconnection.  This is the hard part I think.  Where you must have the patience of a saint. And that is NOT an easy task.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #17 on: May 27, 2019, 04:23:17 PM »
I don't post often because I'm not sure if contact with husband is meaningful or of interest. 

He was here today, Memorial Day in the USA.  D20 invited him over for dinner. He came VERY quick. Folks he was stressed and down today.  No bragging no prideful behavior almost defeated look.  He couldn't fake it today.  I asked him about it and he share all his family drama. He has a tendency to think he can force someone to see a situation his way.  I asked him if I could share my thoughts and he accepted. I told him exactly what I thought in a gentle way.  He listened.  He actually listened to me and agreed with my suggestions.

He stayed a couple of hours. Maybe I'm wrong but it felt like he wanted to tell me something.  This is the second time I sensed this.  Again, I could be wrong and wishful thinking. 

I discussed the visit with MLC friend Fred. By the way, I shared with him what you guys said about his actions toward his wife.  Per Fred, husband could have spent the day anywhere but choose to spend it with us (D20 and D22). Heart is softening. 

OK, my thoughts.  Husband and I are going beneath the surface.......a little.  He's opening up and sharing what's on his heart.  I share NOTHING!!! I will share NOTHING!!!! I do not want to go into the friend zone.  I'm not sure husband can give me more right now.  Today he was BROKEN and he realized it. 

I did throw a truth dart.  I let him know that if I needed someone to help me with anything it would be guys from my church.  Don't know he it came up but I let him know in a round about way that i would NOT call him for ANYTHING.  And I mean that!!!!!!!!!!
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Anjae

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #18 on: May 27, 2019, 04:36:56 PM »
Thank you for the update, Rose.

Nice that husband spent Memorial Day with you and Ds. Fred is right, husband could be anywhere else, but he choose to be there with you.

Husband seems to be changing, but try not to have expectations. We all know MLCers can flip-flop. It is good you have Fred to talk you, he can provide support and give you some insight into MLC madness.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #19 on: May 27, 2019, 04:58:39 PM »
Anjae thank you for responding.  I respect your thoughts and observations because you are logical rather than emotional.  I'm better with the no expectations. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

 

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