Author Topic: My Story Contact Continues  (Read 2141 times)

Offline Anjae

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My Story Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #20 on: May 27, 2019, 05:15:03 PM »
You're welcome, Rose.

In all fairness, we all have expectations. And certainly, when a MLCers starts to change and be closer, we wish they get closer and Replay about to end.

However, I think we all also know MLC is not linear and that it tends to take a while until we will be able to know if the foward movement come to stay or if their will go back to a previous point.

That is why one of HS's mantras is keep hope, but let go of expectations (as much as humanly possible).

Truly hope husband is on a positive forward movement point and that he keep getting closer to you and Ds.
Sometimes good things fall apart so better things can fall together. (Marilyn Monroe)

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #21 on: May 28, 2019, 01:57:06 AM »
We are ALL better off with no expectations...

Yes, he spent the day with you and that MIGHT be progress.... What is more telling IMHO is that he chose to actually TALK to you a little bit....

When STBX wants to spend time "as a family," there is absolutely NO meaningful discussion about anything...

IF he continues to reveal bits about himself, it would seem that he is feeling more secure/safe around you....
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #22 on: May 28, 2019, 02:36:40 AM »
After thinking about husband's visit I have a few observation , not facts, opinions. 

Husband becomes fixated on stuff/things to keep him from focusing on what really needs to be fix........HIM.  It's a diversion tactic.  If he had to face all the mess he created with me, his children and his church (he's a minister) he would see a cold cruel person that is very ungodly.

The sisters he is so worried about are both over 50, employed and one is married. There is no reason for all the worry and concern. 

One sister was separated from her husband but they are back together.  The sister and her husband allowed his family to divide and conquer. She was equally as guilty by bad mouthing her husband.

 The other sister was diagnosed with Manic-Depression.  She will not take her medicine which leads to....... you guys know the routine. I understand the worry and frustration.  However, he see her as selfish rather than ill.  He wants to use force and threats. I offered advice after asking if he wanted it. He seemed better after I gave  him my thoughts.   (I'm a licensed Social Worker with 30+ years of experience.)

Definitely not cooked.  If he see his sister as selfish and can't see the  a neon sign flashing across his chest with the words *SELFISH A##?!@E* walking than clueless, thy name is husband. 

To sum it up: husband is PROBABLY using all this gunk to keep him from seeing his mess.  Husband is using all this gunk to keep him from the bad sad disappointment of his failed dreams.  Husband is learning he's not in control. 

Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Online Treasur

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #23 on: May 28, 2019, 03:22:50 AM »
I hope you will keep posting when you feel inclined to do so, Yellow. Partly bc your observations may help others find their own perspective and partly bc writing it out may also help you see your own sense of the wood for the trees.

There was an old movie, can't recall the name, Jack Nicholson and Tom Cruise with the catch phrase.."You can't handle the truth." Putting speculation, justification or compassion aside, the factual truth is that many of our spouses or ex spouses did bad things. Dishonest things. Things that hurt other people who loved and trusted them. Things that were the opposite of the values they said they held and expected from others. Bad things that produced bad fruit for other people and themselves. Yet ironically there is no redemption in life without looking at the truth first....a very hard sad thing for anyone to do imho. And of course even for God, forgiveness requires stopping doing the bad things AND contrition...but you can't do contrition if you won't look at the truth of the bad things can you? Hence the unwillingness to see his own actions and culpability in the very things he is judging others for....maybe that will change, maybe it won't, maybe he will heed your advice, maybe not. Your observation about it as a distraction makes sense though. More outside stuff to avoid ones own stuff.

I suspect that your xh is fumbling his way forward slowly and that spending time with you all and talking out loud to you is part of that. Who knows where it will take him? Or how much or little a part you are willing to be play as things unfold? Your instinct to share nothing important of yourself or expect anything seems very wise to me. Tbh it is an act of grace to even keep a small listening place at your table....that is good enough. And meanwhile you get to press on with your own good life that you worked so hard to build after the destruction.
« Last Edit: May 28, 2019, 03:50:36 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #24 on: May 28, 2019, 03:30:32 AM »
Yep, what Treasur said...

And the Movie was "A Few Good Men." Demi Moore was also in it...
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #25 on: May 28, 2019, 05:37:46 AM »
It must be amusing to you to see him ‘worry’ about his siblings’ R with their spouses. 
What I found with my H is that situations of others held up a mirror for himself, though he did not realize it at the time.  Talking about those situations indicated that they mattered enough for him to mention them to me.  Yep, the introductory chapter of projection 101

In hindsight, it was the beginning of self introspection, gradually superimposing his own image on the misbehaving characters in the stories he related to me.

If you have enough patience and grace to listen to him, he will feel safe to reveal more of himself as time goes on.  He is working through his issues by talking with you.  Some LBS do not want this and tell them get lost.  Some do listen.  I did.  Both are valid imo.

As long as all his ramblings do not get your expectations up and mess with your detachment, you will find it interesting and, sometimes, I dare say, ‘entertaining’.   :D

One thing to keep in mind, if I may, is that what he tells you is NOT about you, even if he talks about you.  It’s who HE is.
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #26 on: May 28, 2019, 06:26:33 AM »
I've seen that in my H lately too. He's no longer actively hostile or unfriendly toward me, but remains distant and clearly still trying to distract his mind with trivial things. I'm away from home at the moment so I don't see everything going on but he has expressed to me concerns several times now recently  about what his patients are discussing in the waiting room while he is examining other patients, even going so far as to ask me to bring him a device to listen in on their conversations!  He told me things will go quiet in the waiting area, then he hears a cackle of raised voices, then it goes quiet again for a while, and then repeats. I told him that perhaps people start talking when people they know enter the waiting room and greet one another and I told him it might be better to focus on the patients he is examining than what the waiting patients are discussing.  ::) It's like they need to find an external issue to involve themselves in so that they don't have to face the internal ones.
Beware "MLCers" telling lies.

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #27 on: May 28, 2019, 06:34:09 AM »
Aahhhhh.......thank you guys for responding.  Essentially you Acorn because you are reconnecting and can help me connect the dots. 

I THINK i don't have expectations because he's giving me nothing regarding reconnection as a couple.  I'm also at a point that I THINK I'm OK with my life either way it goes.  I have carved out an OK life for myself.  Nothing exciting but it's my life and it's how I want it to look. 

Lots of thinking.  I was always the strong one.  I was always husband's cheerleader and the go to for pep talks for the whole family.  Acorn I'm OK with him sharing.  But I didn't realize how broken and burdened he is with his life. 

Y'all (Texas girl) this man is listening to me.  I don't say much because he is sharing so much.  He's broken. 
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

Offline Acorn

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #28 on: May 28, 2019, 07:08:17 AM »
But I didn't realize how broken and burdened he is with his life

Y'all (Texas girl) this man is listening to me.  I don't say much because he is sharing so much.  He's broken.

The way I see it, if his talks revealed this to you one way or another, you know it’s ACTION. 
If all he can talk about is what he had for breakfast yesterday, you know it’s only WORDS.

It would be nice to see some concrete action as well some time in the future.  Sharing his thoughts is a positive step, however, he needs to put his literal back into it eventually.  I think it’s too early for that, however, he can’t just keep talking for a year and not lift a finger.   After a while, sharing his innermost thoughts will become tiresome and pointless if action does not accompany it, imho.  Time will tell. 
« Last Edit: May 28, 2019, 07:53:21 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline YellowroseoftexasTopic starter

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Re: Contact Continues
« Reply #29 on: May 28, 2019, 09:27:52 AM »
Acorn i didn't consider his sharing as action until you guys pointed out our to me.

Time will tell. I think seeing him so broken makes it easier not to have expectations. What can be give me?
Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S26; D22; D19
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

 

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