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Author Topic: My Story Contact Continues

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My Story Re: Contact Continues
#60: October 23, 2019, 07:42:20 AM
Update: Spent Friday evening together.  Once again a nice pleasant evening. But I was a bad bad girl.  We sat opposite each other in different chairs sharing the same footrest.  Husband is a leg man. So I made sure my legs were 'accidentally' on display taking full advantage of the opportunity.  May not be young and hot but I know how to work what I got.



Perfect! Remind him of what he walked out on...
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Contact Continues
#61: October 27, 2019, 01:27:27 PM
Lol.... I think he may remember Ursa. 

A couple of days ago husband had a colonoscopy.  He asked D23 to provide transportation.  She took him but was called into work.  So, YellowroseofTexas to the rescue.  I waited with him until he was called back.  He's asking questions about my life and future plans. By profession I'm a Social Worker. I ask questions not answer questions.  VERY UNCOMFORTABLE!!!!!!!

I THINK husband told the medical staff I was his wife because after the procedure that's what/who they referred to me, Mrs.  YellowroseofTexas.  Husband, ex actually, came back to my house to recover.  We talked politics (share the same views) and lots of meaningless talk about nothing.  He's still flirting (my toes are pretty 😆).  🤮

He came by yesterday to talk to our girls (yeah, right).  I'm now a wonderful mother, cook, housekeeper and all around good person.  Haven't heard if I'm was a good wife. He's offering to help me (THE ANSWER IS HELL NO).  My car needed major repair work and I was without a car for almost a week. He offered to help me get to/from work.  Today he wanted to bring take-out.  The answer is always  a polite no. Why? Because I never ever never ever ever ever ever want him to think I can't manage without him. 

I'm so STUBBORN and refuse anything from him.  Why? I'm not sure if his intent.  We have not had 'that' conversation and until that happens............nothing happens. 

Am I being unreasonable?
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Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S27; D23; D20
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating; Unsure if I'm still standing
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“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

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Re: Contact Continues
#62: October 27, 2019, 02:09:21 PM
Attaching yrot  :D
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BD March 15
OW ex from 36 years ago

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Re: Contact Continues
#63: October 29, 2019, 08:17:02 AM
Quote from: Yellowroseoftexas
I'm so STUBBORN and refuse anything from him.  Why? I'm not sure if his intent.  We have not had 'that' conversation and until that happens............nothing happens.

Am I being unreasonable?

It depends on what "that" conversation is, how long you wish to wait to have it, who will initiate it, and under what conditions. From my view, there is a MASSIVE difference between
Quote from: Yellowroseoftexas
Because I never ever never ever ever ever ever want him to think I can't manage without him.
and letting him spring for take-out.  That COULD be a way to judge his intentions and to perhaps (if that is what you are looking towards) allow him to walk the walk instead of talking the talk.... Allowing him to do things that, if he chooses NOT to do, have no real impact on your life like take-out (minor inconvenience if he bails or no-shows) as opposed to transportation to and from work (which impacts your life in a real and detrimental way)... You know, that "Baby Step Principle" of "The Journey of 1000 miles starts with a single step" kind of thing.

But, if it is all hinging on having a specific conversation, that could take a while, if ever. H may or may not realize at all that you need "that" conversation to happen and, if he DOES recognize it, he may be at a loss on how to start it because he knows what he has done. He may very well be scared poopless to admit what you already know (or maybe things that you might NOT already know).  The possibilities are fodder for monkey-braining....

Again, talk is cheap but consistent actions combined with consistent words give a REAL insight into the chaos between the ears of the Mid-lifer...

Take a look maybe at Acorns threads as I do see some similarities between the way her H started sniffing about  initially on his way home and the way your xH is beginning to poke his head out of the fog...
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Contact Continues
#64: October 29, 2019, 03:35:27 PM
I think not needing anything from them is a double edged sword. Maybe he thinks that if you never ever ever ever need anything from him then he feels useless ?

We have heard time and again about the white knight theory. My xh's ow "needed" him. I did not. I was a strong capable woman. I feel like he went that route because he needed and wanted to feel needed.

It is not a sign of weakness to need or want help from him. Although I felt like you did for a long time. Now that I'm homeless(house isn't ready yet) and xh has the family dog and d17 I realize that I do need his help and so far he is happy to help. I am way past standing or even considering any reconciliation but there comes a point where looking and feeling strong gets old. Imho anyway.

I know that I can can be happy and live quite well by myself but sometimes it is nice to relinquish the control and just let people help.

If you want reconciliation maybe you should accept his overtures ?
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Re: Contact Continues
#65: October 30, 2019, 02:47:11 AM
Oh Ursa thank you for a male's viewpoint. It is so much easier to have clarity when it's not your life.  I just don't want to appear clingy or needy. And so many of his words during bomb drop ring in my ears.  The words of the OW are etched in my soul.  But, I get it, baby steps.  Truly I did not see the difference between take-out or giving me a million dollars.  That's something I will need to work on.  Maybe 'the' conversation may never and I'll have to except it 😢.

Reconnecting is hard.  I suspect reconciliation is even harder.  I have a friend that is trying to "fix me up" with a really nice guy (her words) but I'm just not interested. My heart belong to my husband. When I was with him during the colonoscopy i was a wife again and it felt.............right.  The two of together, alone, felt so........normal. 

Well HS family I have some thinkin' to do. I have allowed God to led me in this journey and will continue to do so.  If husband is moving at a snails pace than I'm moving at a slugs pace. 

Big old YellowroseofTexas thank you for your comments. And now to re-read Acorn (I think it was Acorn's story???).
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Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S27; D23; D20
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating; Unsure if I'm still standing
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“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

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Re: Contact Continues
#66: October 30, 2019, 02:57:54 AM
If you want reconciliation maybe you should accept his overtures ?

Tyks yes I want restoration of my marriage. I'm going to try really really really hard to allow him to help me, in small things.  My heart is so guarded that nothing is piercing the heavy equipment that is surrounding it.  That's not good. 

Today is our wedding anniversary.  Today would have been our 26th wedding anniversary.  Bittersweet because I'm in a good space mentally but God I miss and love that man. 

Maybe, just maybe, he will remember how happy we were 26 years ago today. 
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Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S27; D23; D20
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating; Unsure if I'm still standing
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

A
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Re: Contact Continues
#67: October 30, 2019, 03:05:57 AM
May I offer my frank view? 

He is paying compliments and offering help.  How else would one begin to reach out? 

Only so many times a person will offer his goodwill gestures before he quits when faced with repeated rejections.  It appears as if his opinion of you, or more likely, your opinion of yourself, matters considerably more than recognizing his efforts to build a positive connection with you, as illustrated in ‘I never ever never ever ever ever ever want him to think I can't manage without him’   

It takes two to tango.  He is reaching out and you are swatting his hand away, albeit politely. 

It’s probably too early to ponder upon his intentions.  I doubt that even he knows and he is testing the waters right now.  One thing is sure - he would like to have a positive relationship with you.  That’s a good start, only if you are interested in having the same.  If not, refuse his extended hand without any qualm.

Just my 2 cents’ worth.  I mean well.

Added later: Oops, we were posting at the same time, Yellow!
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Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

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Re: Contact Continues
#68: October 30, 2019, 07:34:54 AM
Acorn thank you for your .02 cents and I so appreciate it.  It's so hard to see clearly.  I didn't recognize husband's actions.  This is so much harder than I thought.  I plan to read your story after work today.

Anyone and everyone please correct me when my thinking is stinking. 
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Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S27; D23; D20
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating; Unsure if I'm still standing
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

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  • Full Member
  • Posts: 193
  • Gender: Female
  • I HAVE 2 CHOICES-BE HAPPY OR BE HAPPY
Re: Contact Continues
#69: November 19, 2019, 06:24:40 PM
Hello friends.

I don't post often or read as many threads anymore due to work. But I'm still here and MLC husband is still around.  We are reconnecting, not reconciling..........yet.

Husband is coming over for Thanksgiving. He told d20 and d23 he didn't have anywhere to go. So they invited him to our house, which is OK.  The two of us are menu planning together.  This is our first Thanksgiving together since 2013.

So, we continue on. Not sure where the road will lead but it feels good.
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Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S27; D23; D20
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating; Unsure if I'm still standing
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

 

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