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Author Topic: My Story Contact Continues

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My Story Re: Contact Continues
#80: January 16, 2020, 09:28:31 AM
Yellow

That is awesome news about the new man. I would love to meet someone too - nothing serious but just to feel valued and cared for. If I met someone else it would definitely make it easier to stop thinking about the ex. It’s been 2 years and I definitely think I’m a born again virgin! 🤣🤣 do you think your ex sees this change in you?
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Me- 47 at BD
MLC husband -45 at BD
1 daughter - 2 1/2 years at BD
BD 1 - January 6, 2018 moves out
November 2018 - moves back in for 1 month then leaves saying relationship over, wants a divorce then flies over last minute to be with OW on holiday.
BD 2 - OW confirmed December 14, 2018 - meeting up with her for holiday
BD3 - engaged to OW December 21, 2018
BD 4 - tells me he is moving back to home country on January 27, 2019. Gives me 5 days notice. His flight date is February 1, 2019.

I just want the money and him out of my life!

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Re: Contact Continues
#81: February 04, 2020, 10:58:07 AM
When I first found this place it was a life line.  I was here reading and soaking the information in.  Now, I'm rarely here.  Guess that dreaded word 'time' makes a difference.  Old Pilot is correct.

I celebrated my birthday last week. Husband send me a text.  First since 2014 so it was a pleasant surprise.  A couple of days later he threw me a SURPRISE, but I knew about it, birthday party.  He had food and a cake.  Made sure it was something I wanted to eat.  When he was leaving I gave him a hug and peck on the cheek.  He gave my arm a long caress.  Something he did pre BD because my skin is so soft.  It was very nice. 

My new guy is still here.  He's a very nice man and he want me in his life.  A real gentleman. So that's nice. 

I see husband and be new guy like an ocean. With new guy the water is crystal clear and beautiful.  The sky is clear and it's a beautiful calm scene. Everyone looks beautiful ahead.  But I can only see to the horizon.  I can't see what's past the beautiful horizon. 

Husband's picture is behind me. The water is brown and muddy. Lots of rocks and the sky is dark.  I would have to navigate past the yuck but what's beyond is a beautiful blue sky. 

Maybe someone more knowledge can tell me if husband and I are moving toward reconciling or a friendship only. 
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Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S27; D23; D20
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating; Unsure if I'm still standing
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

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Re: Contact Continues
#82: February 04, 2020, 12:42:49 PM
Here with you, Yellow. I haven't any advice to give you. Does seem that your H is very slowly moving forward. I don't know if it's confusing for you to have the two of them in the picture at the same time? It is up to you though. I suspect that if you want to give your H a chance, you might have to accept that it could still take a long time before you see the beautiful blue sky.
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Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

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Re: Contact Continues
#83: February 04, 2020, 03:58:20 PM
Milly I'm so confused. While I love the attention from new guy my heart is not in it. But maybe I haven't given new guy a chance. 
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Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S27; D23; D20
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating; Unsure if I'm still standing
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

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Re: Contact Continues
#84: February 05, 2020, 01:24:24 AM
Yellow,

You are what we commonly refer to as "Between a rock and a hard place" or "Between the Devil and the deep blue sea."

You have NG in your life but you are not sure if that is really what you want so you are emotionally either holding back or, let's be honest, you subconsciously know that you are maybe not ready. Either way, the fact that "your heart is not in it" is a telling statement.

What would it take for you to put your heart in it? What decisions would that entail? What choices would it mean? What consequences would therefore be forthcoming?

MLCH is apparently making some of the right moves. Is it for real? Does he "feel" you have dropped the rope because NG is in the picture? Who knows? Does that mean that MLCH is finally getting his head out of his .... fog?  Only time will tell

BUT

if you are going to give that time to H to see what happens, if he can navigate the treacherous waters between where he is and where you assume he is going (remember, there are no guarantees), it is really not fair to NG if NG is "all in."  NG may be a pleasant way to pass the time until/if H maybe turns into a real decent human again

Regardless, with BOTH of them, you can only see to the horizon. Unless you have developed some sort of future-seeing ability, all you can really see is the here and now. You may ASSUME things going forward or expect things going forward (bright blue skies and an escape from the murky water) but there is no certainty.

Either way you go, there are risks involved. Once MLCH comes out of the tunnel (assuming he does) he will be a different person... Is the caress on the arm "enough" for you going forward to risk what you have now with NG? Is the R with NG worth the risk that H may decide that there is no longer a chance and he goes on his own way? Is it just the attention from NG that is the thrill or is there something more 'emotional' in the mix?  If it is just the attention, a dog will serve the same purpose without the emotional entanglements if you are going to wait for H anyway (for example)

There are many questions to ponder here that only you can answer but it takes time, honesty with yourself, and probably no small amount of mirror work to answer them.
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Contact Continues
#85: February 05, 2020, 10:39:16 AM
Ursa.......it is so confusing.  While NG is an emotional shot in the arm I'm not sure I want more than friendship.  I never ever ever ever thought another man would find me attractive.  I really thought I was invisible but NG see me and like it.  But I don't want to hurt him. 

I just know the promise God made to me at the beginning of this journey and it was restoration. 

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Married 21 years
Bomb 💣 Drop O7-2014
Husband Left 09-2014
Divorce 2015
S27; D23; D20
No contact 2015-2018
Contact and Positive communication-01-2019
Unsure if he’s dating; Unsure if I'm still standing
******************************
“I walked a mile with Pleasure;
She chatted all the way;
But left me none the wiser
For all she had to say.

I walked a mile with Sorrow;
And ne’er a word said she;
But, oh! The things I learned from her,          
When Sorrow walked with me.”
Robert Browning Hamilton

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Re: Contact Continues
#86: February 06, 2020, 03:29:36 AM
Ursa.......it is so confusing.  While NG is an emotional shot in the arm I'm not sure I want more than friendship.  I never ever ever ever thought another man would find me attractive.  I really thought I was invisible but NG see me and like it.  But I don't want to hurt him. 

I just know the promise God made to me at the beginning of this journey and it was restoration.

If you are not sure if you want more than friendship, then you don't want more than a friendship. It sounds simplistic but there it is. Unless you are really done and really ready, you are not in a position to be in an emotionally intimate R with anyone. If you are ready and NG is not the right one, well, that is what happens but if NG is just an ego-booster?

As far as God's Promise of Restoration, what if what God was promising was to restore YOU? Restoring your sense of self-worth? Restoring your peace and inner harmony? God makes promises but we humans interpret those promises through our own wants, our own needs, and our own desires.
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Me - 56, xW - 50
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 13, D - 9
2 Dogs
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Divorce final 30 August 2019

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

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Re: Contact Continues
#87: February 06, 2020, 03:42:38 AM
I'm glad your birthday had a sense of love around it, Yellow, that's nice.

You know I know that the answer is yours to find. And often strangely what we learn from asking ourselves the question is more useful than the answer actually....

You don't HAVE to do anything but treat yourself and others with respect. You are allowed to feel how you feel even if it is messy or unclear. You are allowed to want what you want or offer what you feel able to offer in terms of friendship or other things. You are allowed to say Yes, No and I Don't Know.

 Fwiw, you seem to know you are comparing apples and pears. And perhaps that is the real issue....that YOUR restoration isn't about it being contingent on a relationship with either NG or xh as UM says? That restoration and relationship are not the same thing? That it is time to be still and listen to God's whisper in your ear?
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« Last Edit: February 06, 2020, 03:44:05 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

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