[In the valley]

My BD was 8/31 right before labor day too.  I'm coming up on 2 years in.  I got a call from a New York area code few days ago.  I picked it up and triggered lot of anxiety.  It was a pharmacy calling to tell me my daughters prescription was ready.  She's on my insurance, so my number is in their system.  I sort of want to hear from them but also really don't.  Anyway it went away as soon as I realized what it was.  But there are those things that can stir you up.

The thing is, it's so hard to get closure.  It's such a shock and I see many similarities in these stories but even after what's been done to us, it's hard to come to a place we can be satisfied we've done the right thing.  The hangup in our lives is another part of the cruelty of what our spouses did to us.

Holding the door for someone, It's just a common courtesy people should have for each other and our exs will treat us like absolute crap and makes us feel like crap.  Don't be a door mat!  you are certainly worth having the door held for.     

[Yellowroseoftexas]

I'm not here a lot because of a variety of reasons. I try to follow threads but rarely comment.  All that to say........I survived husband MLC. 

Husband is still around and we're comfortable around each other. He's giving me compliments ("you're an attractive woman", "you are a good mom"). He TRIED to compliment me by saying I'm aging like fine wine 😲.  I think he realized that one should have been left unsaid. But, he said, he's trying 🤨. 

He showed up one evening looking horrible. Red eyes and extremely tired.  The arrogant boastful man that left in 2014 is replaced with a pudgy older man with a belly.  Life and people showed him who he really is and i suspect that's what humbled him.  If plans are being made with our 3 children he now include himself, which is OK.  I'm comfortable around him.  He LOVES teasing me and reminiscing. 

Husband shared that he's a homebody.  Son lives with his dad and said he's always in bed.  Pre-mlc both of us were home bodies and spent our together with our children. 

Are we back together, no. No talk of restoration. Nothing about the 'real' issues, the hard issues. That will have to happen or there will never be a deeper relationship.  I can forgive but I must know that you really get what you did and how that I impacted me forever.  He has to learn the new YellowroseofTexas. 

So, that's where we are.  I really enjoy being around this husband.  He compliments freely and look for opportunities to be part of his family.  He's asking questions about me BUT I'm not sharing ANYTHING. I no longer obsess about the meaning of what he say or don't say.......I'm not doing that anymore.  What will be will be. 

[Milly]

Hi Yellow, thanks for updating. Sounds like your H is making constant steps to reconnect. Glad to hear you don't worry any more about what he does or does not say. I suspect it's still early in the reconnection and that is why you are not getting some of the answers you will need. I think about this at times. If my H were to come back, I would need some answers, but I think I'm at a point where I wouldn't expect the answers right away. I think the sooner they come back, the more patient the LBS needs to be as the MLCer is still working through some of his issues. I think it's much harder if the MLCer comes back early, even though it's what most of us dreamt of.

I have been reading Heart to Heart's threads again (she reconciled). When her H came back, he was so grateful, so wanting to make it right with her, but he had been gone over 6 years so possibly he'd had enough time to reach a more mature stage. I don't think your H is coming back early, however, it's on the earlier side. He might still be processing.

Good for you for seeing it for what it is. Best of luck to you both. I, of course, wish it to work out for you both. xxx

[Anjae]

Thank you for the update, Rose.

I don't know if your husband come back early. He may had, he may not. Time will tell.

No talk of restoration. Nothing about the 'real' issues, the hard issues. That will have to happen or there will never be a deeper relationship.

Indeed this will have to happen. Maybe your husband isn't ready for it yet. Some MLCers seem to be ready for those things faster than others.


I think the sooner they come back, the more patient the LBS needs to be as the MLCer is still working through some of his issues.

I think the sooner they come back, the more patient the LBS needs to be as the MLCer is still working through some of his issues.

Not sure if this is so. Coming back later does not seem to require less patience. It usually means there is far more issues and damage to deal with and that the person spend more years being immature.

As a general rule, MLCers do not return having worked on their issues. Replay does not tend to be the place/stage where issues are sorted.

[Yellowroseoftexas]

Milly how can I find the thread? I struggle finding my thread. 

[Milly]

It was Heart to Heart's thread. Here:
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8222.0

I hope it works.

[Acorn]

May I offer my experience re a similar phase we went through once upon a time?  A sample of one...

My H behaved somewhat like your H has been doing.  At the time, I wasn’t sure if he was trying to reconnect with me or not.  I realized after a while that he was trying to touch base with his pre-MLC life in general, and not necessarily attempting to reconnect with each individual in our family, FOO and friends. 

Your attitude ‘ What will be will be’ is just the thing -  enjoying each moment as they appear, and not spending your precious mental energy reading into his words and actions. 

[Yellowroseoftexas]

Thanks Milly. I caught up on your thread. 

Anon so glad you chimed in.  I planned to read your threads. Husband confuses me and I suspect he's confused by me.

Update: Spent Friday evening together.  Once again a nice pleasant evening. But I was a bad bad girl.  We sat opposite each other in different chairs sharing the same footrest.  Husband is a leg man. So I made sure my legs were 'accidentally' on display taking full advantage of the opportunity.  May not be young and hot but I know how to work what I got. 

[Acorn]

You mean me, Acorn, not Anon?  Don’t worry, you are not the first one to get mixed up with our names! 

I can safely bet I wrote about my excitement that my H was reconnecting with ME if you read my backstory.  Yep, I was reading too much into the tea leaves.  The guy was just getting reacquainted with his pre-BD life.

I’m glad I did not pursue or pressure him at all.  You just don’t know if/when he was going to stop with all that reacquainting efforts and bail.  I left him to it and responded in kind, not a cent more. 

[Yellowroseoftexas]

Sorry about that Acorn.  I'm finally at a point in my life that I'm OK with whatever happens.  I finally realize I am enough, dare I say, the perfect me. 

Husband invites himself over. My son lives with him and whenever we plan something with son, dad is here.  I ask NO questions.  Warm and inviting to my guest and that's it. 

Acorn I plan to read your thread tonight.