Author Topic: My Story He’s having a mlc 6 - Strong  (Read 2399 times)

Offline Acorn

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My Story Re: He’s having a mlc 6 - Strong
« Reply #100 on: August 29, 2019, 07:39:39 AM »
Rose, it takes more strength to control your lips then letting the words to tumble out.
What you have done (not telling him about your feelings) was to follow your intuition - 1. no use in telling him because he didn’t give figs, 2. Bring on more pain for you when he responds with monstering.   Smart girl!

There was one phrase I used to tell myself as part of controlling what passed my lips:  ‘First, do no harm.’  If my words were likely to bring harm to me, H and our R, I simple kept them behind the door, unless it was about enforcing my boundaries.   O boy, did I avoid some disasters and setbacks!   Once the words are out, you can’t take them back.  Prudence over facing nasty consequences of misspoken or ill-timed words, and that’s my motto and always will be. 
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Maleficent

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Re: He’s having a mlc 6 - Strong
« Reply #101 on: August 29, 2019, 08:17:39 AM »
Hi Rose,
Yes, we are all strong.  I am not convinced our therapists truly understand.  I do love mine, because she is there for me, and no one in RL wants to hear the constant crazy stories.  I chose mine because her profile mentioned that she worked with women in trauma.  She admits I am in trauma with a little "t" as opposed to a capital "T." 

But, in all her other clients, the trauma goes away.  With us, it continues with every moment, every encounter and every fear of encounter.  The veterans are right, with time, we do not feel so raw, but I am not sure the therapists truly understand why we continue to care.  Still, it is good to have someone in real life who simply cares about us and will listen and provide what we need when we need it.  I listen to her advice and I measure it against my intuition.  Their goal is to protect us and not to heal a broken relationship, that I understand. 
BD and moved out 9/2017
M 30 years at BD, together 34

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: He’s having a mlc 6 - Strong
« Reply #102 on: August 29, 2019, 11:15:33 AM »
Rose, it takes more strength to control your lips then letting the words to tumble out.
What you have done (not telling him about your feelings) was to follow your intuition - 1. no use in telling him because he didn’t give figs, 2. Bring on more pain for you when he responds with monstering.   Smart girl!


Don't I know it. I am never really pleased with myself after spilling too much information to H. At this point in H's journey, it only triggers pain. Silence is golden.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline Music45

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Re: He’s having a mlc 6 - Strong
« Reply #103 on: August 29, 2019, 03:20:49 PM »
Silence is golden, yes. Here here.
I've had a few comments in RL along the lines of "why don't you tell him this" etc. Perfectly reasonable questions but ones I'm 100% sure would have zero positive outcome on my MLCer. I think I would struggle to understand had I not experienced it for myself.
We are strong, Rose. We just need to be able to remember that in those downer times we have. Here's hoping we all get to do that more often than not.
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 6 - Strong
« Reply #104 on: August 29, 2019, 03:57:13 PM »
Yes you all get it. Thank you!

Its also it’s like a toddler having a tantrum, it’s not the time to get into ‘how to be polite’ for example. After they’ve calmed down and are listening is a better time for that.

There are actually lots of times when it’s best to leave something until later or not at all. Teenagers, elderly parents, at work. It’s not always appropriate to start saying how things made you feel, sometimes it is and yes I love the word intuition. You have to read the situation and adapt. That’s what I did and that’s what we are all doing, it’s how we are living for now to survive.

If someone is having a psychotic episode it’s maybe not suitable to explain that what they think is true is not. If someone has dementia and thinks they are somewhere they are not sometimes it’s best to gently agree to stop them needlessly stressing.

I think my IC is so focused on feelings that i can’t get everything out as she stops me to ask how I felt throughout. In the recent example I think I would have benefitted if she had asked if I ever feel
Like that now, or do I worry about coming home to a dark house on my own etc rather than her trying to overly explain why I should’ve sat my H down and say how I felt at the time. It’s so obviously not what I would have even contemplated during that time it’s just frustrating to think she thinks that is how to act in that moment and we all know she just doesn’t understand.

I’ll come back and answer you all as I need to rush for now but again wanted to say all that!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online RosetintedglassesTopic starter

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Re: He’s having a mlc 6 - Strong
« Reply #105 on: September 11, 2019, 03:16:16 AM »
Hi I can’t seem to get to the point of updating here like I did. Maybe it’s the 3 year mark, actually it probably is.

I’m over all the annoyance I had with my IC and have had a few good sessions since. Not seen too much of H but when we do he seems pretty good. He had a lot on in Aug and then FIL was in hospital for 2 weeks so he was visiting and helping MIL with that. One night H texted me from hospital and said FIL had been upset (he gets terrible pain with his illness, it’s not a cancer but not a lot of doctors know how to control his pain). H was obviously wanting to ‘chat’ so I replied a few times and wondered what H would be thinking seeing his father so vulnerable. His FOO issues are with him.

I took the kids to hospital to visit FIL one night and texted H before I went asking if it was suitable (didn’t want them seeing him in pain) but H didn’t reply so not sure where he was. I went along anyway, MIL was there but no mention of what H was doing. Maybe working. He did text back afterwards and thank me for going in. MIL texted the next day thanking me too.

Over the past 2 weeks or so we’ve not seen much of H and both children have mentioned him. D was talking about her friend whose parents have split and her father has a gf. The friend is quite angry with the father and I think it comes from her mom which is a shame but understandable. D said to me please don’t split up with Dad then she said ‘well if it’s what you want it’s ok just..please dont’!! What a shame trying to give me her blessing. I just said what a lovely thing to say you are such a lovely girl and gave her a hug. What else could I say!? Then S also mentioned him as he was at a sleepover and his friends parents were both there and he asked ‘do you think Dad will ever come home?’  I said to him I hoped so but it was difficult for me to say yes as it was his thing. S said well as long as H is getting better that’s all that matters. I told him it was ok for S to not be ok with it though and he was important and that not feeling important was part of H’s issues from childhood so to be sure he knows his feelings matter. He thanked me and i’ll Keep an eye on them both.

Strangely the next day H called as was going to visit us. He did come over and I was working in the garden so he helped a bit. D was also doing things but I did notice H lingering around me and it was a bit off putting like he might start a convo about something I didn’t want to talk about (finances/us!).  He didnt though, before he left he said he might need the car this week which was ok but he ended up not needing it. While he was here my parents popped in and he did go a bit quiet. I was in the garden though and had no time to chat/supervise them so just kept doing what I had to get finished. I asked him if he wanted to stay and eat with us after my parents left but he didn’t. He said he’d be back the next day for the car. I was going out that day so had my hair nice and make up on, then he texted to say he didn’t need the car so wouldn’t come.

The next night I was almost ready for bed when he called me to say he was popping round. Like the gardening day I had no make up on but i’ve no energy for running around like that so in 3 days H saw me once gardening looking a mess, missed the hair up make on day and caught the ‘almost in bed’ day. Oh well, luckily I dont really care. I do take note of it in my mind though.

He mentioned that night that he was doing a few things at the weekend and it turns out he has quite a few plans with the choir. Maybe this was him coming over to tell us I don’t know. He seems honest enough about it all but in reality he is going away for the weekend again with lots of women that he spends a lot of time with in his new happier life.  He also talked with me about finances, we still have our joint accounts and I hate that part of my life. I basically brushed him off as I can’t cope talking about having no money (while he goes away for the weekend!).  I am mulling over sending him an e-mail explaining briefly about why I brushed him off.

I have been glad recently as he is back to contacting me again rather than going via the children like he was for a while, I don’t like that.

Anyway i’ve Not reread this so hope it makes sense,
Rose 🌹
« Last Edit: September 11, 2019, 03:18:59 AM by Rosetintedglasses »
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Sam I Am

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Re: He’s having a mlc 6 - Strong
« Reply #106 on: September 11, 2019, 06:58:44 AM »
Rose - You make perfect sense.  I completely understand all the issues you are facing.  Not wanting to deal with certain things yet knowing some things will have to be addressed eventually.

As for your IC...looking back, the times I had the most conflict with my IC is the times when I personally was fighting something or she was hitting on painful issues but these for also the times that I learned the most from.

IC's are not our friends.  They have the sole purpose of helping us to face and heal ourselves!  Not always easy!

Thanks for your updates...always nice to hear from you...even if it doesn't pertain to the MLC world!
10.29.17 BD-Moved out to OW/A began in  6.17
3.5.18 OW moved away/H moved in with F
3.19.18  H moved home into spare room 
7.14.18  Moved to be with OW (another state)
9.4.18  Moved back-Living with Parents 
11.1.18  OW moved back.  H living w/her in D's basement room. 
11.18 - H started visiting on holidays
11.26.19 Call from H.  BIL died suddenly.
1.19 - H announced to my inner circle that he moved to sisters  inc all belongings
2.19  H volunteers to house and dog sit whenever.
Spring 19  H visiting house and doing chores on a regular basis

4.83 Started Dating
8.10.85  Married

D -29 Married with 2 children  Lives Local
S - 27 Engaged in Prof School across country
3 Dogs (he left them all behind - taking care of them but not really visiting or interacting with them yet)

Offline Acorn

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Re: He’s having a mlc 6 - Strong
« Reply #107 on: September 11, 2019, 03:35:12 PM »
O Rose...   Your story about the interaction you had with D and S is precious.  Such sweet little darlings...  They showed empathy for you AND your H. 
You are a good example for them - Grace, kindness and empathy towards your H and that’s what they learn.  You don’t need to say anything for them to see your attitude.  They intuitively sense what’s in your heart and follow in your footsteps.  You also taught your S not to stuff his feelings.  You are a good mom, Rose.

(((((HUGS)))))
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: He’s having a mlc 6 - Strong
« Reply #108 on: September 11, 2019, 09:25:40 PM »
That scene with your kids really tugged my heartstrings. I really feel for your D. You handled it beautifully. 
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years, married 27
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out - June 2019
OM#3 - July 2019
W asks for divorce - August 2019

Card-carrying member of the Iffer Party

"Learning how to live like she ain't coming back."

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=11093.0;topicseen

Offline Music45

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Re: He’s having a mlc 6 - Strong
« Reply #109 on: September 11, 2019, 10:44:50 PM »
So admire how you handled talking to S&D. So difficult and you set such a good example. I know a couple in RL [non MLC - yes, there are some!!!] who are having relationship difficulties at the moment and, honestly, if half the stuff she tells me she says to her son is right, they're in for all sorts of problems later. So hard to hear.
Well done you.

As for H...yes....hate those too...when he's there and you think "urgh, what's he going to say now?"...know that feeling well. And the spending money thing...yep, I hear you.

As for the make-up...well....if he even noticed, I'll happily buy you a new lippy in LBS Pink!!

Hope FiL is ok. Keep smiling. Keep blooming dear Rose.
Me: 51
H: 51
Adult S & D
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

 

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