Author Topic: My Story Standing by a Glacier  (Read 1110 times)

Offline PJ Will Be OKTopic starter

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My Story Standing by a Glacier
« on: May 21, 2019, 01:31:03 PM »
New thread time already. The last one went fast!

Previous Thread:Long Haul Truckin' https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10676.0;all
First thread: the ravings of a deranged lunatic: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8910.0;all

I'm calling this thread Standing by a Glacier. Glaciers move slow and melt slow, as does an MLC. And I'm standing by my W, even if it takes a long time for her to move.

Recap of my slow-motion train wreck:
As I've mentioned before, my situation is not nearly as bad as many of yours. W is a live-in wallower. No PA.

Spring 16: MIL has stroke, we have empty-nest issues at home, W develops arthritis and hip pain. W withdraws from me, gets a tattoo, becomes workaholic for first time ever, starts going out drinking with unmarried female co-workers, drives home while intoxicated a few times, calls me critical and controlling when I express alarm.

June 16: BD1. OM1. EA with work colleague. Bedroom photos exchanged. "I Heart You." secrecy and LIES, LIES, LIES. EA tapers off but never seems to end.

Sept 16: "I don't like who I am as a W." EA back on. When I confront her, "this is the second time you've hurt me by bringing this up PJ. You're on strike two so don't mention it ever again."

June 17: OM comments on W's FB photo of our kids. I flip my lid. W, surprisingly, unfriends OM and cuts off all contact. Things slowly get better. I think maybe it's not MLC and maybe the worst is over. (I was wrong!)

Sept. 18: After suffering for months, W has hip replacement surgery. I take off time from work and help her. We become close - almost like old times.

Nov. 18: BD2. OM2 is a dude she met playing video games online. He is out of state. Relationship is completely digital, but shockingly sexually graphic. W melts down. Says she's dead inside. Doesn't know who she is. "PJ - you're a better person than me." Bachelorette party is over - pity party begins. W moves out "for two weeks" but returns looking like hell after 5 days like nothing happened. Won't talk about it.

Feb. 19: W and I begin MC. We go for a total of 4 sessions. W melts down in session 3.

April 2019. W handed me and counselor a letter saying she is exhausted and depleted in our marriage and that she has given up. She is considering asking for a divorce.

May 19. After an exchange of letters and a relationship talk initiated by W, she says she is feeling a lot better about things.
 
Upcoming dates of note:
Sept. 2019: S24 is getting married.
May 2020: D22 is graduating from college. She has some disabilities and lives with us. She is applying for grad schools now.
« Last Edit: May 22, 2019, 12:57:43 AM by OldPilot »
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2019, 01:48:52 PM »
Attaching PJ,

Glacier speed is right!  You are doing well.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2019, 03:25:03 PM »
Me, I’m here.

Love the title, hopefully you will manage not to watch the glacier to see if it moves and maybe look back after a while and notice it has moved after all.

Good recap, good upcoming dates. A wedding sounds so exciting and hopefully it brings out the best in your W.

Still love her ‘you’re on strike two PJ’ quote!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Online Music45

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2019, 12:42:48 AM »
Still riding along with you, PJ.
Great thread title. Does feel like that.
Hang in there.
Me: 51
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away.

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2019, 12:04:28 PM »
You are doing great my friend. I have always admired those of you with live-in MLCers.

Excited to be following you on your journey.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2019, 03:02:55 AM »
Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
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A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline PJ Will Be OKTopic starter

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2019, 12:00:14 PM »
Thanks for following along everyone! I hope my new thread provides low entertainment value.

Quote
hopefully you will manage not to watch the glacier to see if it moves and maybe look back after a while and notice it has moved after all
Yeah, I need to do more of that for sure. I'm trying not to let my W's crisis spill over to everything else in my life. I'm doing better, but I've still got a lot of room for improvement when it comes to not monkey-braining.

I like that .gif UM. It reminds me that I need to stand at a safe distance!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2019, 12:07:35 PM »
Following along PJ

Offline Silver

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2019, 04:42:26 AM »
Attaching PJ
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline PJ Will Be OKTopic starter

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #9 on: May 24, 2019, 06:13:44 PM »
So tonight W tells me she's been looking at apartments online. She says she's not planning on moving out and hasn't toured any apartments, but she's thought about it. (Kind of like she's thought about divorce, but isn't planning on it or anything. Ugh.) I know, 0% of what they say and 50% of what they do. But still, this is concerning to me.

She says she's realized that her life is constantly being interrupted and she never gets long blocks of time to herself. She's right about that.

Soon-to-be DIL moved in with us a while back (W invited her), and now S is always here as well, so we have 5 adults in one crowded house, all on different schedules. There truly are a lot of interruptions. W also goes to bed at 8 and says I wake her up when I come to bed at 11 and then she can't fall back to sleep.

She's completely emotionally (and physically) exhausted and just wants to be left alone. And she thinks she might not be able to do that in our house.

I know, I know. All I can do is work on my own life. I'm trying not to watch stages, but I'm wondering if her deepening depression is turning into withdrawal? I think she's been depressed and out of replay since December or January. We're three years since bomb drop. She does seem to be at some turning point. She looks like hell. Just absolutely depleted.

What's weird is that we've been communicating much better since she threatened divorce. I've backed WAY off and she's been pursuing me recently. The fog seems to have gotten thinner.

I think it's best if she stays at home, but I also honestly think she actually does need some time to withdraw and recover from all the stress of the past few years. And eventually to start slowly putting herself back together. Part of me wants to help her find a place and go visit her on weekends. I'm serious. S and DIL are planning on moving out in September when they get married. Maybe I can convert S's room into a quiet place for W? I hope she stays until then.

Any ideas from Team HS? Has anyone had a stay-home MLCer go through withdrawal stage while at home? 
« Last Edit: May 24, 2019, 06:15:25 PM by PJ Ames »
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

 

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