Author Topic: My Story Standing by a Glacier  (Read 747 times)

Offline PJ Will Be OKTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 369
  • Gender: Male
My Story Standing by a Glacier
« on: May 21, 2019, 01:31:03 PM »
New thread time already. The last one went fast!

Previous Thread:Long Haul Truckin' https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10676.0;all
First thread: the ravings of a deranged lunatic: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8910.0;all

I'm calling this thread Standing by a Glacier. Glaciers move slow and melt slow, as does an MLC. And I'm standing by my W, even if it takes a long time for her to move.

Recap of my slow-motion train wreck:
As I've mentioned before, my situation is not nearly as bad as many of yours. W is a live-in wallower. No PA.

Spring 16: MIL has stroke, we have empty-nest issues at home, W develops arthritis and hip pain. W withdraws from me, gets a tattoo, becomes workaholic for first time ever, starts going out drinking with unmarried female co-workers, drives home while intoxicated a few times, calls me critical and controlling when I express alarm.

June 16: BD1. OM1. EA with work colleague. Bedroom photos exchanged. "I Heart You." secrecy and LIES, LIES, LIES. EA tapers off but never seems to end.

Sept 16: "I don't like who I am as a W." EA back on. When I confront her, "this is the second time you've hurt me by bringing this up PJ. You're on strike two so don't mention it ever again."

June 17: OM comments on W's FB photo of our kids. I flip my lid. W, surprisingly, unfriends OM and cuts off all contact. Things slowly get better. I think maybe it's not MLC and maybe the worst is over. (I was wrong!)

Sept. 18: After suffering for months, W has hip replacement surgery. I take off time from work and help her. We become close - almost like old times.

Nov. 18: BD2. OM2 is a dude she met playing video games online. He is out of state. Relationship is completely digital, but shockingly sexually graphic. W melts down. Says she's dead inside. Doesn't know who she is. "PJ - you're a better person than me." Bachelorette party is over - pity party begins. W moves out "for two weeks" but returns looking like hell after 5 days like nothing happened. Won't talk about it.

Feb. 19: W and I begin MC. We go for a total of 4 sessions. W melts down in session 3.

April 2019. W handed me and counselor a letter saying she is exhausted and depleted in our marriage and that she has given up. She is considering asking for a divorce.

May 19. After an exchange of letters and a relationship talk initiated by W, she says she is feeling a lot better about things.
 
Upcoming dates of note:
Sept. 2019: S24 is getting married.
May 2020: D22 is graduating from college. She has some disabilities and lives with us. She is applying for grad schools now.
« Last Edit: May 22, 2019, 12:57:43 AM by OldPilot »
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline 9393roo

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #1 on: May 21, 2019, 01:48:52 PM »
Attaching PJ,

Glacier speed is right!  You are doing well.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 861
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #2 on: May 21, 2019, 03:25:03 PM »
Me, I’m here.

Love the title, hopefully you will manage not to watch the glacier to see if it moves and maybe look back after a while and notice it has moved after all.

Good recap, good upcoming dates. A wedding sounds so exciting and hopefully it brings out the best in your W.

Still love her ‘you’re on strike two PJ’ quote!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Music45

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 217
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #3 on: May 22, 2019, 12:42:48 AM »
Still riding along with you, PJ.
Great thread title. Does feel like that.
Hang in there.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline KeepItTogether

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4738
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #4 on: May 22, 2019, 12:04:28 PM »
You are doing great my friend. I have always admired those of you with live-in MLCers.

Excited to be following you on your journey.
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8433
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2019, 03:02:55 AM »
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline PJ Will Be OKTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 369
  • Gender: Male
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2019, 12:00:14 PM »
Thanks for following along everyone! I hope my new thread provides low entertainment value.

Quote
hopefully you will manage not to watch the glacier to see if it moves and maybe look back after a while and notice it has moved after all
Yeah, I need to do more of that for sure. I'm trying not to let my W's crisis spill over to everything else in my life. I'm doing better, but I've still got a lot of room for improvement when it comes to not monkey-braining.

I like that .gif UM. It reminds me that I need to stand at a safe distance!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2167
  • Gender: Male
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2019, 12:07:35 PM »
Following along PJ

Offline Silver

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2067
  • Gender: Male
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #8 on: May 24, 2019, 04:42:26 AM »
Attaching PJ
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline PJ Will Be OKTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 369
  • Gender: Male
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #9 on: May 24, 2019, 06:13:44 PM »
So tonight W tells me she's been looking at apartments online. She says she's not planning on moving out and hasn't toured any apartments, but she's thought about it. (Kind of like she's thought about divorce, but isn't planning on it or anything. Ugh.) I know, 0% of what they say and 50% of what they do. But still, this is concerning to me.

She says she's realized that her life is constantly being interrupted and she never gets long blocks of time to herself. She's right about that.

Soon-to-be DIL moved in with us a while back (W invited her), and now S is always here as well, so we have 5 adults in one crowded house, all on different schedules. There truly are a lot of interruptions. W also goes to bed at 8 and says I wake her up when I come to bed at 11 and then she can't fall back to sleep.

She's completely emotionally (and physically) exhausted and just wants to be left alone. And she thinks she might not be able to do that in our house.

I know, I know. All I can do is work on my own life. I'm trying not to watch stages, but I'm wondering if her deepening depression is turning into withdrawal? I think she's been depressed and out of replay since December or January. We're three years since bomb drop. She does seem to be at some turning point. She looks like hell. Just absolutely depleted.

What's weird is that we've been communicating much better since she threatened divorce. I've backed WAY off and she's been pursuing me recently. The fog seems to have gotten thinner.

I think it's best if she stays at home, but I also honestly think she actually does need some time to withdraw and recover from all the stress of the past few years. And eventually to start slowly putting herself back together. Part of me wants to help her find a place and go visit her on weekends. I'm serious. S and DIL are planning on moving out in September when they get married. Maybe I can convert S's room into a quiet place for W? I hope she stays until then.

Any ideas from Team HS? Has anyone had a stay-home MLCer go through withdrawal stage while at home? 
« Last Edit: May 24, 2019, 06:15:25 PM by PJ Ames »
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline Silver

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2067
  • Gender: Male
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #10 on: May 24, 2019, 11:29:24 PM »
PJ, I don't have experience about withdrawal stage, if it is that, withdrawal is part of other stages too. But just as my 2 cents, does it really matter in what stage she is if she desires to have time and space of her own? That's probably what she needs anyway as she feels pressured and disturbed at home.

I wouldn't encourage her to leave though, not even temporary, that may be used against you one day. Just don't try to talk her out of it and let her do it if she will.

I remember when my XW talked about leaving, before I count MLC even started but I see now that it was pre stage or something, for much of a same reasons than yours now. I suggested back then, that maybe we should get an apartment just for a while where she could go when she needs her own space. We never did and couldn't probably afford it anyway but I don't see it as bad option in your case necessarily.

Maybe more experienced views will follow soon, as said my story kind of ended before that stage.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7339
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #11 on: May 25, 2019, 12:39:16 AM »
Do and say nothing but listen/validate, PJ. If she asks your opinion, something like 'I can see that you feel that way and are in the process of figuring out what you want to do.'...but keep your fingers out. Why? All the stuff you know. They cycle. They often lie. They use hammers to crack nuts. They blame others or external stuff. Your w has a bunch of options, only one of which is moving out....but just as you can't really get in her head and understand the 'problem', you can't know either what a good solution would be for her. So let her choose. Or not. The bit where you get a vote is when/if her choices damage your life or finances or your family's wellbeing. Jmo. Step away and leave her own stewing up to her.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Rosetintedglasses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 861
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #12 on: May 25, 2019, 04:31:44 AM »
PJ I feel for you.

Around a year after my BD my H started looking at apartments online. I was snooping and saw it so used the knowledge when asking how he was. He tried to shock me by saying he had been looking to move out so I was glad I knew. I just listened and validated as Treasur suggested. I hope you weren’t knocked off your feet when W told you but don’t worry if you were, it’s awful.

My H had fire in his soul and fixated on it and talked about it all the time, sometimes trying to be nasty to me. I didn’t think he would do it as a few times he said it would be the next weekend and then didn’t mention it that weekend. Eventually he mentioned it one time while the children were off school so it suited me as I would be with them as wasn’t sure how they would be obviously and I said ok lets get you organised to go. Actually the link in my signature is to this period.

My H needed to be alone but couldn’t afford it so went to his parents. I had for months suggested he just worked away a bit more, or went on lots of golfing trips or went away walking most weekends to get his alone time so it didn’t impact the children so much. They are younger than yours but this is hard for them at all ages and with the wedding coming up it’s difficult timing for your S.

When he did leave, the relief I felt was unexpected so if he felt like that too then it must have been good for him. Suddenly I could breathe again. I knew I would be at least 6 months before I felt anywhere near myself again.

Recently PJ I have been reading up on Busy Bee’s threads and she had her own MLC and now her H is having one. She says she wanted so much alone time during hers so maybe worth a read.

As Silver says I wouldn’t encourage her to go but in your mind start planning that she might and how it will work with the wedding etc. This is not a marriage issue but everyone, including you sometimes, will think it is. For some reason I have always firmly known this wasn’t about me and it has helped me.

Maybe you could plan a few weekends away with S & DIL but without her? Maybe getting the house quieter in the next few weeks/months will help her stay until the wedding.

Keep posting
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline 9393roo

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #13 on: May 25, 2019, 08:57:39 AM »
PJ, You are getting some good advice from everyone who posted here.  My advice much like others, validate but do not actively help her figure out a solution. 

After BD #1 my H wanted to move out, fortunately we have a small guest area above our garage that her went to.  He was miserable and so torn.  He wanted to be away from me and yet in some ways he didn't.  I found out he was also looking at apartments at this time and I was crushed.  I did everything wrong and begged and pleaded for him to move back in.  He moved back in and did 2 years of cake eating big time.  After BD #2 I told him he needed to leave our room, he said he couldn't go back to the garage apartment because he was "scared".  He moved into a spare room in the house.  This is where he comes and goes.  He will go a month staying in our room and then spend a couple of weeks back in the spare room.  He has some clothes in the spare room but now has moved his shoes back into our room.  I have not said a word throughout his process of coming and going.  I do not touch his things and we never talk about it.   

Your W needs to figure out what will work for her on her own.  If there is any way to give her space (setting up a garage area maybe for you to even go to?) I would do that.  I would not encourage getting an apartment.  From what I've seen on here it will be much more difficult for them to return once they have left.  I think it may have been Helping who slept on the couch to give his W some room?  That may be an alternative too?  Step away and let her come to you.  You are doing well PJ.

 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline 9393roo

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #14 on: May 25, 2019, 09:51:12 AM »
Also I wanted to add that I see your big hearted fixer personality coming out in your post and trying to help your W. As hard as it all is you have to put that heart to use other places for now.  Volunteer, spend time with your kids, help plan an awesome wedding.  Give your heart to others who appreciate you, it will come back to you tenfold. 

You know all of this.  I know for me I need reminders sometimes.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2818
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #15 on: May 25, 2019, 10:06:28 AM »
Quote
She's completely emotionally (and physically) exhausted and just wants to be left alone. And she thinks she might not be able to do that in our house. 

She wants to be left alone. 
You can do that by not facilitating ANYTHING.  No suggestions re apartment rentals, no moving out of your own bedroom, no spare room suggestions.
Not your circus, not your monkeys. 

If she wants to live in an apartments, you won’t block her but you know, she needs to pay for that herself.  Everyone in your household is in the same boat, living on top of each other.  If anyone wants some space, by all means, go ahead and look for alternatives but don’t expect PJ to foot the bill.

As for withdrawal, my view is that MLC Stages are overrated.  What’s certain are Replay and waking up (not momentary fog clearing).  The bits in between the these 2 points are goulash.  One ‘stage’ overlaps another, happen simultaneously,  go back and forth.  At lease, that’s what I gather from my one and only sample.  ;D

Leave her to it, PJ.  Stage-wise and personal space thing.  She is a big girl and needs to figure things out all by herself.   
« Last Edit: May 25, 2019, 10:07:31 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline 9393roo

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #16 on: May 25, 2019, 10:23:16 AM »
What Acorn said...👍🏻
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 3502
  • Gender: Male
  • Back to being #1 for my daughters!!!!
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #17 on: May 25, 2019, 10:51:29 AM »
Hello,

I am by no means an expert on this at all. I do agree with the others that you don't need to offer or suggest moving.

May I suggest, as far as the room goes, you can ask her what she would like to do with the empty room. Suggest an office and if she asks for the space for something for her, then agree. Then it becomes her idea- not something you forced on her to make her go away.

You are doing fine. Just let her do her thing while you focus on making the best of your life and have an great wedding!

Fist bump,

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline PJ Will Be OKTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 369
  • Gender: Male
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #18 on: May 25, 2019, 12:47:33 PM »
Thanks everyone! Last night's apartment conversation caught me off guard, but I'm feeling much better today. I didn't even lose any sleep last night, which I'm kind of surprised about.

Roo, you're absolutely right about my fixer personality coming out. I see a problem and I want to solve it. I'll have to hold myself back. The obvious solution is for S and DIL to move out sooner than planned. The wedding is in September. They're both working but we've been letting them stay rent free to save up some money and get a good start together. So the sofa is already taken. Once they move out, we'll have a spare room. But, I know I can't be the one to suggest they leave early.

Quote
you can ask her what she would like to do with the empty room.
That is perfect.

She told me last night that she thought I knew she was looking at apartments because she wasn't using Incognito mode on the computer and she thought I would see her browsing history. She almost seemed disappointed that I hadn't. I'm a little weirded out by this new form of mindfrackery. Like not covering her tracks leaving her counseling notes on the nightstand. Is it a test? A cry for help? Weird. Oh well, nothing I can do about it but work on myself and listen when she talks to me directly.

Quote
As for withdrawal, my view is that MLC Stages are overrated.
You're probably right. HB and Conway's stages seem a bit too tidy. But my W is certainly at a new depth of depression now. I'm honestly concerned for her physical health. She's a zombie.

Thanks again everyone!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8433
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #19 on: May 27, 2019, 06:07:27 AM »
ALL I can say is that i did this TOTALLY wrong.....

When STBXW first said that she was looking at moving out, I was shocked but didn't say much. When she brought it up again in MC, I told her to quit threatening me and if she going to do it, just do it already..... The therapist said that it was a cruel thing for STBXW to do to bring it up again....

18 months later, ABD and its all over.....

To be honest, she's going to do what she's going to do but let her do it. Like the others said, do NOT facilitate or help her. She wants it, let her do it...

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline PJ Will Be OKTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 369
  • Gender: Male
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #20 on: May 27, 2019, 09:39:25 PM »
Thanks everyone.

Here's a semi-cheerful note from the GAL department. I think I've mentioned in the past that I'm a poet and novelist. I had started writing a new novel about three years ago, but abandoned it because my brain was too scrambled for me to concentrate enough. I've written some short stories that I feel really good about over the past few years, including three with LBS as the protagonists.

I don't usually write for therapeutic purposes, but I had a painful story in me that I kind of needed to write. It's called The Chrysalis and it's loosely based on my own experiences. It was hard and slow to write and it's not very good, but I am happy to say that it is DONE.

And, I'm now making headway on that novel I had started pre-BD. It is a young adult adventure novel that has absolutely nothing to do with any MLC nonsense. It's tough sledding and I'm still not able to concentrate as well as I did pre-BD, but I'm doing better. Words are being written and chapters are being finished. It's a great diversion from my marriage weirdness - it gives me something to think about at night.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline Whyus

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 3130
  • Gender: Male
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #21 on: May 28, 2019, 01:03:01 AM »
Great to hear that you are writting again, it does help. I have written at least 10 Songs since this BS started, nobody will ever get to hear them (except 1) but they are there and I got some $h!te out of my System. Every Little Thing which will move us Forward, or distract even is a Bonus and a Blessing.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Silver

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2067
  • Gender: Male
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #22 on: May 28, 2019, 02:27:19 AM »
PJ, that's just great! Good way to GAL, I am writing a 'book' myself, about MLC experiences, I am not real author though but always loved writing and it's always been the best way to express myself (in my own language of course). It is for me and for my therapy!

Still waiting for that concept album Whyus.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Acorn

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2818
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #23 on: May 28, 2019, 06:27:02 AM »
Good for you, PJ, for pursuing writing!

As you know, the first step in GAL is being rid of any expectations that it will fall into your lap and/or stepping away from the defeatist attitude (not that you had it) that you are just not up to it at this moment in your life.  No one, nothing makes you feel ‘up to it’.  Only you can and you have proved that in no uncertain terms!
I’m smiling from ear to ear!  :) :) :)
 
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline Rosetintedglasses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 861
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #24 on: May 28, 2019, 03:52:12 PM »
I’m smiling from ear to ear!  :) :) :)

Me too!  I love a man that’s good with words, go PJ!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline KeepItTogether

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 4738
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #25 on: May 30, 2019, 01:51:39 PM »
Finished one novel, and now working on completing the next. Well if that isn't GAL at its best, I don't know what is.  Good for you friend!
Me 47
H 46
S12
BD 5/16
H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline PJ Will Be OKTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 369
  • Gender: Male
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #26 on: June 01, 2019, 04:00:49 PM »
Thanks for the kind words all. Congrats on the novel KIT! WhyUs - it is good to get some of this nonsense out of the system. If anyone wants to read any of my poetry, PM me and I can email you some.

Weird update that's not much of an update: So W initiated a talk today to follow up on our discussion about her “thinking about moving out” last week.

She wanted to talk about less drastic measures than separation to get her some time and space to be alone and to get some rest. She didn’t have any ideas of her own. I did remind her that our S and DIL are getting married in September and will probably move out by then. We would then have a spare room she could do anything she wanted to with. And I suggested they could even move out earlier - with help from us - if it needed to happen for my W’s health. 

W said she didn’t like that idea at all. In fact, she wanted S and DIL to stay with us after the wedding to save up money, maybe until next summer. This was weird, because it implied that W was going to be in the house too. Otherwise, why else would she want the kids to stay with us? I also suggested that we could move people around a bit so I could sleep on the sofa and give her more peace and quiet. She said she didn’t want us to sleep in different beds and she was kind of hurt that I thought about it. She also said that she’s “content” in our house. I asked why she would think about moving out if she was content (dangerous question I immediately regretted!) and she said she didn’t know.

So, nothing has really changed. The glacier moves slowly. Who knows what's in her head? But I don’t think she’s really thinking seriously about moving out at all. After the kids move out, all bets are off. But that may be a while.

I think the kids, especially STBDIL, are a kind of drug for W. As much as she complains about the noise and clutter, spending time with them helps her avoid facing her own internal issues.

I think I’m doing OK overall. I’m visiting my mom, dad and brother in my home state in less than two weeks. I’ll be gone for a week and I have some plans for while I’m there. I’ll have a more interesting update then.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 861
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #27 on: June 01, 2019, 05:18:48 PM »
PJ

Your trip to see your parents sounds ideal! Good for you.

Don’t you just love the amount of time they answer ‘I don't know’ to something. So infuriating!

I’d love to read your poetry!
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7339
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #28 on: June 03, 2019, 06:59:19 AM »
Well if you ever doubted that your w was in crisis, and that it was nothing to do with you, that circular conversation was a classic wasn't it? The 'I want x...but want you to come up with some ideas...which I will then say aren't the ideas I was looking for...'. You seem to be doing well, PJ, and your w is obviously some way from even figuring out what her problem is let alone what she will do to fix it. Glad you have a break coming up though bc it must be tiring to live this way.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8433
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #29 on: June 03, 2019, 07:19:35 AM »
That kind of "I want you to come up with ideas so I can shoot them down" conversation sounds JUST like my STBXW

STBX: "Let's go out to eat!"
Me: "OK, what sounds good to you?"
"I don't know, you decide."
"Hmmmm ... How about Chinese"
"No, I don't want that tonight"
"OK, how about that new Middle eastern place that everyone raves about."
"No, that doesn't sound good to me either..."
"What DOES sound good?"
"I don't know, you decide..."
"Pizza?"
"No, doesn't do anything for me."
"Thai?"
"Naaaah..."
"African?"
"Is that the place you have to eat with your fingers? That's gross"
"There's that new Steak place that opened recently."
"I'm not eating meat...."
"Hmmmm, I'm kind of running out of options."
"You never have any ideas..."  :o

Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline PJ Will Be OKTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 369
  • Gender: Male
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #30 on: June 03, 2019, 09:28:11 AM »
Exactly, UM. Although, to be honest, we had some of those restaurant conversations before her crisis too. ::)   But she doesn't know what she wants right now at all.

Quote
Well if you ever doubted that your w was in crisis, and that it was nothing to do with you, that circular conversation was a classic wasn't it?
Yep, it has nothing to do with me. I feel like I've known this rationally, but it's really sinking in emotionally now. There's nothing I can do for her but stay out of her way and let her figure things out for herself.

The positive development in my house over the last couple months is that I really think W has begun to accept that her crisis is not about me or our marriage, but that it is something inside of her. I don't know if she's ready to take an honest look inside herself yet, or if she's ready to think about repairing the damage she caused, but it's been a while since she projected her negative emotions on me.

Rose - I sent you a PM!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline UrsaMajor

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 8433
  • Gender: Male
  • Live like they are never coming back
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #31 on: June 04, 2019, 08:30:31 AM »
The positive development in my house over the last couple months is that I really think W has begun to accept that her crisis is not about me or our marriage, but that it is something inside of her. I don't know if she's ready to take an honest look inside herself yet, or if she's ready to think about repairing the damage she caused, but it's been a while since she projected her negative emotions on me.

You are closer to BD than I am but it seems that our Mid-Lifers are in a similar place... I haven't been blamed for stupid stuff in a while but I can see that there is NO introspection going on... Everything is still external... Now her "illnesses" because of whatever virus that is running around at the moment (none really but that is her excuse), her back problems were caused by her dog pulling on the leash (but she has him SO WELL trained <puke emoji> because she is an expert trainer now that she has watched hundreds of hours of Caesar Milan). But, mine is still seeking the reasons for her crisis outside of herself.
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 861
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #32 on: June 06, 2019, 03:20:23 AM »

The positive development in my house over the last couple months is that I really think W has begun to accept that her crisis is not about me or our marriage, but that it is something inside of her. I don't know if she's ready to take an honest look inside herself yet, or if she's ready to think about repairing the damage she caused, but it's been a while since she projected her negative emotions on me.

Rose - I sent you a PM!

This is great PJ, interested so see how she develops if she now knows she is unhappy inside.  So nice if she isn’t projecting negatively to you, it’ll be hard to believe sometimes after living like that for so long!

I got the note about the PM and was so excited and sat down properly to read it! Thanks so much I appreciate that!

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Helpingme!

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 2167
  • Gender: Male
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #33 on: June 06, 2019, 04:27:09 AM »
PJ are you sure your not living with my wife? Ha.
Running and avoiding things and playing fantasy life is easy  for MLCer. Facing their issues and of course dealing with pain they caused us is going to be the hard part.

Offline PJ Will Be OKTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 369
  • Gender: Male
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #34 on: June 06, 2019, 07:46:33 AM »
Thanks y'all.

Yeah, that's going to be really rough for them if they ever face their issues and deal with the pain they caused.

If my wife ever comes completely out of her fog and fantasies she is going to really be a mess. I don't know if I'll be much help at that point. I've been dealing with my issues and her issues for years and I'm pooped. But, let's just hope our spouses get there.

Still standing!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline PJ Will Be OKTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 369
  • Gender: Male
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #35 on: June 08, 2019, 03:22:26 PM »
Well, that quiet spell ended quickly. W now says she's moving out in July. For a couple of months. Or maybe 3.

Also, she told me she's having a midlife crisis. I told her I agree, that it's a temporary condition, and that people come through it eventually. And that I would like for us to ride it out together.

She says she needs some time to think and be uninterrupted. I don't think there's another OM, but I'm not sure of anything anymore.

She says she hasn't signed a lease, but I don't know if I believe her.

I know she does need to withdraw and put herself back together. But I would still much rather keep her at home.

Maybe I'll feel relieved if and when she moves out, but right now I'm beyond tired. And I'm really angry. I just want to grab her by the shoulders and tell her to wake up. I really don't know how much longer I can live this way.

When I told my Dad my W was thinking about divorce, he said, "well you'll be OK either way. You always make it through OK." He was right. I'm a pretty tough hombre. So my new user name reflects that.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline Rosetintedglasses

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 861
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #36 on: June 08, 2019, 05:34:34 PM »
Oh PJ.

Your Dad is right. And so is your fabulous new username.

I know how you are feeling although my H had only BD me around a year before he started obsessing about moving out. I thought the world would end but I actually could breathe. I doubt you can influence if she stays or goes but 2-3 months won’t be long enough, I told my H he better make sure he could pay the rent each month on a flat. He couldn’t so changed his mind - it was my fault obvs- to move to his parents. When he left he was so broken I knew it would be at least 6 months.

The way I look at it though is that if they do move out surely they can progress quicker through their MLC as they have the mental space to. Living at home neither of you can detach as much but I think that might be my wishful thinking as my H moved out. He’s a lot better but I bet he’s scared to ever feel like he did living here again.

Don’t be offended if she doesn’t want to ride it out together with you. That’s the sane thing to do, she’s not quite thinking like that.

This is horrendous timing with what should be such a special family time coming up. You are good though and you are strong so as your name says you’ll be ok. I love that you have changed it, it helps your mind and you ‘get’ how important that is so, yes. You will be ok.

Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7339
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #37 on: June 08, 2019, 10:05:51 PM »
I like your new user name too, PJ.
Please be reassured that most MLCers leave physically at some point. Nothing you did or didn't do influenced that....they seem to have a huge compulsion to run away that I'm not sure even they understand.

All too often though they don't think the practicalities through too well or assume that the LBS and family will just go along with whatever they want when they want it. I'd suggest you use the time before she moves out to think about some practical and financial boundaries which will work for you. You don't have to declare them all to your w but it will help you know how to respond to new 'surprises' or requests. So, as an example, are you prepared to help your w move into her new place if she asks? Or, if you don't have a key to her new place, should she be allowed to come back to your marital home uninvited? What, if any, contribution do you expect her to be making to your joint costs e.g. Mortgage etc. And I would lock down your own financial protection as much as you can bc when they run most spend money like water too. And document everything in case the physical separation does last more than a few months and leave you carrying the joint financial can or lead to divorce and the splitting of assets.

But on the positive side, much as this is rarely what we wish, you are exhausted and most LBS find that it is easier to recharge their batteries without an MLC spouse living at home. It can almost feel like a relief even if it doesn't take the other emotions away.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online DaybyDay1

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 127
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #38 on: June 11, 2019, 05:42:38 PM »
Hey PJ, just caught up on your thread.  Sounds like things have been going pretty well overall and then I got to the one about her wanting to move out for a couple of months.  She is certainly "all over the place" like I see here on my end too.  The difference is, you seem to be staying pretty grounded.  Keep that up!  I still respond to H's whims and whatever he says in the moment.  Who knows, this could be just a passing though she had like so many of her others.  Don't get too worked up about it.  It very likely won't happen if her past actions indicate anything. Try not to respond to it.  Try to just let her do whatever she's going to do and don't react.  I KNOW THAT IS SO HARD TO DO.  I still can't do it. 

I am very happy to hear you're really back into your writing though.  It's nice to reach the part of this where you can almost function like a normal human being, isn't it?  Hang in there, my friend.  Sorry I've been gone so long.  I have been thinking of you and hoping all is well though!
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline Music45

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 217
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #39 on: June 12, 2019, 01:10:29 AM »
Hey PJ, sorry to hear this latest development. My H left a little over 2 years after BD [having tried and failed once before and false returns to the relationship]. He hasn't lived at home for nearly a year now. I really didn't think he'd ever do that and he remains a clinger [I hear from him, albeit briefly sometimes, every day]. It's horrible. No question. But.....it's easier leaving him to "it" than living like i was - not sure what I was going to get next.
Whatever happens, trust me, you'll be ok. I, like others, have walked this exact same path ahead of you and it's not as scary as it looks from the start. You'll be ok.
Me: 50
H: 51
S:26 D:19 [They're his kids. I'm Step Mum. They both live with us - though D at Uni]
BD: April 2016
Many false returns.
Effectively moved out Nov 2017 [works away from home. Home occasional weekends]
Moved out full time: July 2018 after he renewed contact with OW.
OW: old school friend lives 200+ miles away. No idea of current status of this relationship.

Offline PJ Will Be OKTopic starter

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 369
  • Gender: Male
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #40 on: June 12, 2019, 04:30:59 PM »
Thanks Rose, Treasur, DBD and Music. I had a rough weekend. A really rough, raw emotion weekend. As in a trip to urgent care and a prescription for Xanax weekend.

I think I kind of feel like a piñata. If you've seen kids at a party hitting a piñata, you've seen how the blow that breaks the piñata isn't from the biggest kid or the strongest hit. But once the piñata is broken, it's spilling its guts on the lawn. I hit that point. And now I need time and a lot of prayer to put myself back together.

I'm a lot better now and the anxiety is mostly gone. I only took the Xanax for a couple nights to sleep. I may take some on the plane when I visit my folks in my home state tomorrow. I'll see how I feel then.

I still hope she doesn't leave. Not so much for my sake, but for our kids and soon-to-be DIL who lives with us. If my W is gone 3 months, we will be separated during my son's wedding. That would suck. Of course, the last time she left, she said she would be gone for two weeks but came back in 5 days. I don't think she's really equipped to live on her own. But, we'll see.

In any case, I sent my brother, dad and mom an email explaining all I wanted to say about what has happened and that I didn't want to talk about it when I'm there. My dad immediately emailed me back telling me to file for divorce (Like you divorced Mom? Thanks Dad. Super idea.) I'm using the time back home to make some contingency plans (reconnecting with former employers, etc..), but mostly I'm just hoping to do some fun things with family and old friends. And trying to think about anything but MLC.

I really feel like things may come to a head in a few months. Like she will either divorce me or move from withdrawal to acceptance. I certainly hope so. It may be a relief with her out of the house, but I don't know how much more of this I can endure.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Online DaybyDay1

  • Full Member
  • ***
  • Posts: 127
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #41 on: June 12, 2019, 05:46:25 PM »
Oh PJ, this makes me so sad to read because I know the exact way you are feeling! It is just miserable.  Actually, miserable is not a strong enough word.  I don't know the words to describe it...

Just know that you have people around you to support you!  I am glad to hear you are going home and that your family knows what's going on.  The support of family can be so valuable.  It can also be pretty pushy so you were smart to ask them not to talk to you about it while you're there.  Everyone has your best interest at heart, but as we hear all the time, only you can decide what you are willing to put up with and how long you are willing to wait.  Basically, you have to live your own life and no one else's opinion really matters. 

Hang in there, my friend.  I'm praying for you.
Married 1997
BD: 9/14/17
Currently separated
Working on reconciliation one minute and divorce the next
Two Sons - 19 and 16

Offline 9393roo

  • MLCer Type: Clinging Boomerang
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 382
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #42 on: June 12, 2019, 07:13:00 PM »
I’m sorry PJ, I think I mean it when I say we all have been there.

Please take care of PJ first, everything else you need to hand over to god or what ever higher power you  believe in.  I know for me getting away from the house and everything in it for a few days would save my sanity.  My H has been gone for 2 days and I feel like I can breathe a little easier.

I know you don’t want her to move out but you know you can’t stop her. I too had to go through my sons wedding at the height of replay.  I remember thinking as I walked down the aisle with my H “I really don’t like you right now! “.

You are right not talking about this with your family. I regret telling some people I told. Everyone has an opinion some care is genuine some is not.

I wish you peace in your trip, you deserve it.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Treasur

  • Hero Member
  • *****
  • Posts: 7339
  • Gender: Female
Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #43 on: June 12, 2019, 10:04:59 PM »
Your folks will want to help. They will give you advice bc they will think that will help you and stop the pain. If you do find yourself talking about it, most folks in RL don't get MLC but do get the idea that someone is depressed or seems to be having a breakdown of some sort and behaving irrationally. Tell them what you DO need instead, how they CAN help you. Sleep, food, distraction...whatever it is you feel you need. Use the time to breathe and figure out what will help you endure what is going on. Tbh, when you feel like a piñata, it is not a time to make big decisions is it? I hope the break gives you a bit of peace to recharge, PJ.
« Last Edit: June 12, 2019, 10:06:54 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.