Author Topic: My Story Standing by a Glacier  (Read 1108 times)

Offline Silver

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My Story Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #10 on: May 24, 2019, 11:29:24 PM »
PJ, I don't have experience about withdrawal stage, if it is that, withdrawal is part of other stages too. But just as my 2 cents, does it really matter in what stage she is if she desires to have time and space of her own? That's probably what she needs anyway as she feels pressured and disturbed at home.

I wouldn't encourage her to leave though, not even temporary, that may be used against you one day. Just don't try to talk her out of it and let her do it if she will.

I remember when my XW talked about leaving, before I count MLC even started but I see now that it was pre stage or something, for much of a same reasons than yours now. I suggested back then, that maybe we should get an apartment just for a while where she could go when she needs her own space. We never did and couldn't probably afford it anyway but I don't see it as bad option in your case necessarily.

Maybe more experienced views will follow soon, as said my story kind of ended before that stage.
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online Treasur

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #11 on: May 25, 2019, 12:39:16 AM »
Do and say nothing but listen/validate, PJ. If she asks your opinion, something like 'I can see that you feel that way and are in the process of figuring out what you want to do.'...but keep your fingers out. Why? All the stuff you know. They cycle. They often lie. They use hammers to crack nuts. They blame others or external stuff. Your w has a bunch of options, only one of which is moving out....but just as you can't really get in her head and understand the 'problem', you can't know either what a good solution would be for her. So let her choose. Or not. The bit where you get a vote is when/if her choices damage your life or finances or your family's wellbeing. Jmo. Step away and leave her own stewing up to her.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Rosetintedglasses

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #12 on: May 25, 2019, 04:31:44 AM »
PJ I feel for you.

Around a year after my BD my H started looking at apartments online. I was snooping and saw it so used the knowledge when asking how he was. He tried to shock me by saying he had been looking to move out so I was glad I knew. I just listened and validated as Treasur suggested. I hope you weren’t knocked off your feet when W told you but don’t worry if you were, it’s awful.

My H had fire in his soul and fixated on it and talked about it all the time, sometimes trying to be nasty to me. I didn’t think he would do it as a few times he said it would be the next weekend and then didn’t mention it that weekend. Eventually he mentioned it one time while the children were off school so it suited me as I would be with them as wasn’t sure how they would be obviously and I said ok lets get you organised to go. Actually the link in my signature is to this period.

My H needed to be alone but couldn’t afford it so went to his parents. I had for months suggested he just worked away a bit more, or went on lots of golfing trips or went away walking most weekends to get his alone time so it didn’t impact the children so much. They are younger than yours but this is hard for them at all ages and with the wedding coming up it’s difficult timing for your S.

When he did leave, the relief I felt was unexpected so if he felt like that too then it must have been good for him. Suddenly I could breathe again. I knew I would be at least 6 months before I felt anywhere near myself again.

Recently PJ I have been reading up on Busy Bee’s threads and she had her own MLC and now her H is having one. She says she wanted so much alone time during hers so maybe worth a read.

As Silver says I wouldn’t encourage her to go but in your mind start planning that she might and how it will work with the wedding etc. This is not a marriage issue but everyone, including you sometimes, will think it is. For some reason I have always firmly known this wasn’t about me and it has helped me.

Maybe you could plan a few weekends away with S & DIL but without her? Maybe getting the house quieter in the next few weeks/months will help her stay until the wedding.

Keep posting
Rose 🌹
Married 15+ years with 2 children
BD1 - 2016
BD2 - 2017
PA with MOW Mar 2016-Jan 2017 then EA
H left home Oct 2017 to stay with his parents
Bought a family Puppy mid 2018 - referred to as ‘P’

Link to advice by my mentor, Phoenix, on what to tell the children about H leaving - reply #33 (it had a glitch)
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9313.30

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #13 on: May 25, 2019, 08:57:39 AM »
PJ, You are getting some good advice from everyone who posted here.  My advice much like others, validate but do not actively help her figure out a solution. 

After BD #1 my H wanted to move out, fortunately we have a small guest area above our garage that her went to.  He was miserable and so torn.  He wanted to be away from me and yet in some ways he didn't.  I found out he was also looking at apartments at this time and I was crushed.  I did everything wrong and begged and pleaded for him to move back in.  He moved back in and did 2 years of cake eating big time.  After BD #2 I told him he needed to leave our room, he said he couldn't go back to the garage apartment because he was "scared".  He moved into a spare room in the house.  This is where he comes and goes.  He will go a month staying in our room and then spend a couple of weeks back in the spare room.  He has some clothes in the spare room but now has moved his shoes back into our room.  I have not said a word throughout his process of coming and going.  I do not touch his things and we never talk about it.   

Your W needs to figure out what will work for her on her own.  If there is any way to give her space (setting up a garage area maybe for you to even go to?) I would do that.  I would not encourage getting an apartment.  From what I've seen on here it will be much more difficult for them to return once they have left.  I think it may have been Helping who slept on the couch to give his W some room?  That may be an alternative too?  Step away and let her come to you.  You are doing well PJ.

 
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #14 on: May 25, 2019, 09:51:12 AM »
Also I wanted to add that I see your big hearted fixer personality coming out in your post and trying to help your W. As hard as it all is you have to put that heart to use other places for now.  Volunteer, spend time with your kids, help plan an awesome wedding.  Give your heart to others who appreciate you, it will come back to you tenfold. 

You know all of this.  I know for me I need reminders sometimes.
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline Acorn

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #15 on: May 25, 2019, 10:06:28 AM »
Quote
She's completely emotionally (and physically) exhausted and just wants to be left alone. And she thinks she might not be able to do that in our house. 

She wants to be left alone. 
You can do that by not facilitating ANYTHING.  No suggestions re apartment rentals, no moving out of your own bedroom, no spare room suggestions.
Not your circus, not your monkeys. 

If she wants to live in an apartments, you won’t block her but you know, she needs to pay for that herself.  Everyone in your household is in the same boat, living on top of each other.  If anyone wants some space, by all means, go ahead and look for alternatives but don’t expect PJ to foot the bill.

As for withdrawal, my view is that MLC Stages are overrated.  What’s certain are Replay and waking up (not momentary fog clearing).  The bits in between the these 2 points are goulash.  One ‘stage’ overlaps another, happen simultaneously,  go back and forth.  At lease, that’s what I gather from my one and only sample.  ;D

Leave her to it, PJ.  Stage-wise and personal space thing.  She is a big girl and needs to figure things out all by herself.   
« Last Edit: May 25, 2019, 10:07:31 AM by Acorn »
Live-in MLCer
Feb 2015: BD.  H has a Nuclear meltdown. 
Oct 2015: ILYBIANILWY.
Apr 2016: Affair discovered
Dec 2017: Seriously reconnecting

Offline 9393roo

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #16 on: May 25, 2019, 10:23:16 AM »
What Acorn said...👍🏻
Husband 53
Me 53
Kids 3 sons 27,25.22 1 daughter 18
BD #1 Spring 2016
BD #2 Winter 2017
married 30 years.  Together 32
H never moved out except 3 weeks after BD #1
OW 30 year single mom employee-He says EA only I don’t believe him.
He is working on things and far from being cooked.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #17 on: May 25, 2019, 10:51:29 AM »
Hello,

I am by no means an expert on this at all. I do agree with the others that you don't need to offer or suggest moving.

May I suggest, as far as the room goes, you can ask her what she would like to do with the empty room. Suggest an office and if she asks for the space for something for her, then agree. Then it becomes her idea- not something you forced on her to make her go away.

You are doing fine. Just let her do her thing while you focus on making the best of your life and have an great wedding!

Fist bump,

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline PJ Will Be OKTopic starter

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #18 on: May 25, 2019, 12:47:33 PM »
Thanks everyone! Last night's apartment conversation caught me off guard, but I'm feeling much better today. I didn't even lose any sleep last night, which I'm kind of surprised about.

Roo, you're absolutely right about my fixer personality coming out. I see a problem and I want to solve it. I'll have to hold myself back. The obvious solution is for S and DIL to move out sooner than planned. The wedding is in September. They're both working but we've been letting them stay rent free to save up some money and get a good start together. So the sofa is already taken. Once they move out, we'll have a spare room. But, I know I can't be the one to suggest they leave early.

Quote
you can ask her what she would like to do with the empty room.
That is perfect.

She told me last night that she thought I knew she was looking at apartments because she wasn't using Incognito mode on the computer and she thought I would see her browsing history. She almost seemed disappointed that I hadn't. I'm a little weirded out by this new form of mindfrackery. Like not covering her tracks leaving her counseling notes on the nightstand. Is it a test? A cry for help? Weird. Oh well, nothing I can do about it but work on myself and listen when she talks to me directly.

Quote
As for withdrawal, my view is that MLC Stages are overrated.
You're probably right. HB and Conway's stages seem a bit too tidy. But my W is certainly at a new depth of depression now. I'm honestly concerned for her physical health. She's a zombie.

Thanks again everyone!
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Standing by a Glacier
« Reply #19 on: May 27, 2019, 06:07:27 AM »
ALL I can say is that i did this TOTALLY wrong.....

When STBXW first said that she was looking at moving out, I was shocked but didn't say much. When she brought it up again in MC, I told her to quit threatening me and if she going to do it, just do it already..... The therapist said that it was a cruel thing for STBXW to do to bring it up again....

18 months later, ABD and its all over.....

To be honest, she's going to do what she's going to do but let her do it. Like the others said, do NOT facilitate or help her. She wants it, let her do it...

Me - 56
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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