[OffRoad]

Strangely enough, much as it wasn't what I wanted, his wish to end our marriage and even his wish to be with someone else was not the damaging thing. It hurt me, of course, but my h had the right to choose to change his life. The bewildering damaging stuff was about the insane way he behaved in doing it and the relentless mindf**kery. The first would have left me sad and hurt; the second gave me PTSD and made me doubt my sanity.

^^^^ Exactly that.  As I tell my kids, it's not THAT he left, it's HOW he left. Try everything, it doesn't work, ok move on.  But honor the contract you made when you married. Dissolve it with respect.

And this is why only the MLCER can say what makes them feel like their spouse is slipping away or if they even know or care, imo. If the MLCER hopes they can come back, it might matter. If they don't or haven't reached that point yet, it won't matter.

[Thunder]

Great post, nah.

I did the exact same thing, as you know, with my 1st H.

Of course it bombed.  He did not care.
He did later on but by then I didn't care.

[Mitzpah]

The only thing I couldn’t manipulate was HIS timeline. He ran away for a reason. He needed to go on a separate journey away from me to see if it really was me that was causing his “unhappiness”. Now, six years later I’m pretty sure he knows it wasn’t me but he missed that boat. Maybe if I did listen to the old timers and just let go instead of putting all my focus on manipulating the situation, we would be in a different place. I’ll never know the answer to that question but I do know that all that focus on him didn’t help either one of us.

Yes, yes, yes!

I did things differently - the result is the same - it DOES NOT matter what we do, however focus on them has NO practical value at all.

That has been my experience.

[xyzcf]

Thanks nah for speaking out. So often I have been "told" that until he really thinks he is losing me, he won't return with the insinuation that if I were to date someone, that would turn him back home.

As people have written, it doesn't seem to matter what we do...their crisis, their timetable.

I have a life, he knows that I have new friends, new activities, new work...but he also has a new life and one that he seems totally devoted to.

Unless he wants a wife and family again, and unless it is me that he wants, there truly isn't a thing I can do to change things.

[Trustandlove]

I just want to throw out a little thing -- the trigger that makes them see that they could return, that it IS possible to repair the damage, might be something very little -- like hearing a particular song, or reading about something in the news.

It can be that one little thing un-sticks the logjam, that for some reason causes a whole host of emotions to flood in, and sets off a reaction that causes them to look at the way their lives are going differently.

All the things others say are true -- but I do know of situations where it has appeared that someone in crisis has just suddenly come round; it's not that it actually happens in that instant, but that one little trigger causes things that may have been going round their heads (and that they have been pushing down) to surface, and it goes from there.

And THEN it comes down to where the LBS is, how willing they are to actually see what they have done, and so on.

And those little triggers are absolutely something that can't be manufactured. 

[megogirl]

Hmmm.  Now I'm really curious.....

Stayed, if you remember, how long had Mr. Stayed been in crisis when he felt you "slipping away?"

Because if it was around the 3-year mark, then we know that it's simply the MLC'ers clock, and not our actions.

[xyzcf]

Stayed, if you remember, how long had Mr. Stayed been in crisis when he felt you "slipping away?"

As many have already written, it really doesn't matter. You are basing your criteria on one person's situation. Why is it so critical for you what Stayed's husband did?

[megogirl]

Why is it so critical for you what Stayed's husband did?

No...it's not.

It just bugged me not to understand what Mr. Stayed was talking about.  Because in my mind, I could not have "slipped away" any more, unless I were dead.  No speaking, no nothing, not even smoke signals.  Sooo......what is left then?! 

And we were discussing length-of-crisis timeline, vs. LBS actions.  The former made sense. 

I just wondered what a reformed MLC'er also had to say in the matter (if anything.)

[Not Applicable]

I am at the 3 year mark myself. And I am currently away from home, just as Stayed was when her husband started to panic. I leave contact to my H mostly unless there is an urgent matter. We have not had any disputes since I have been away for about 1.5 months now. He has acted juvenile on Skype at times (sticking out his tongue and giving me the bird in a joking manner, etc.), but whenever I have needed something from him he has been responsive. He even said he was sorry for doing something stupid unintentionally involving my fridge, only the 3rd time he has apologized for anything in the last 3 years. The other 2 times were for monster behavior. I get snippets that his mother's health may have taken a turn for the worse. He seems to have become obsessed with knowing what his patients are saying while in his waiting room because he hears them becoming noisy, which is a bit odd. Even asked me to bring him some sort of device to spy on them. I am sure he will forget this by time I return home, which may still be over 3 months from now, so I am in no rush to get him a spying device and told him he can get one when we meet up in the capital when I return if he really wants one but I told him I thought he should be paying attention to the patients he is examining and not the ones waiting outside. He also complained they are trying to jump the queue in terms of whose turn it is to be examined, and I gave him some suggestions how to deal with that. He may be having his last hurrah of MLC control freak, this time involving the patients. But I have no clue what is going on with him really at the moment, nor do I care. I'm busy where I am with stuff that needs to get done and he understands that and there's been no panic. I don't see any imminent signs of a big awakening, yet he is not being troublesome either.

I'll say this, once you reach 3 years of this, if you still are looking at the calendar or clock, then it's like watching a pot boil. Oh, he could have his big awakening when I return, but I am not holding my breath for it. It will happen when it happens. Things had been improving steadily since last November before I left at least in terms of us getting along better and that's enough for now.

[Thunder]

It's always interesting to hear from former MLCer's just to hear what they thought and felt during their crazy time.

We've had, over time, a few come back to answer our questions.