[megogirl]

No offense taken.....

But I'm confident it's not a "denial"-thing.  Once I learned all about MLC everything fit together like a glove, and I knew WHAT had happened to him.  WHEN it happened to him.  WHERE it happened to him.  And WHY it happened to him.  I'd connected every dot!

Hard to explain, but I just "know"....so, it's pretty easy to trust my gut. 

[xyzcf]

In the meantime, what are you doing in case your intuition is wrong? I am asking as a stander of almost 10 years who would still like my husband to come back home and I still have hope that he will...but he very well may not.

Have you looked into your financial situation for the future?

Any thoughts about furthering your education so you might have employable skills?

Where can you meet some new people to allow you to interact with? My friends are my lifeline. They support me, I support them and my "activities" all in all make my life much more enjoyable.

How are you taking care of mego in case your husband either remains stuck in his crisis or for many other reasons even if he resolves his crisis, he still may not feel he could ever come back.

[megogirl]

Sorry, but I can't/don't think that way......

I don't trust my instincts on much.  I guess I've never had to.

And I don't know how long this will officially take, but I know I've always been the "sane" one in this household.  The "rock" - as coined by XH.  The pragmatic one.  And the one who had her family's head on straight, even as XH ventured on his merry way for 3 years of Replay activities, just prior to BD.

My interests have never been at the front & center.....so, I'm pretty used to it.....

[Not Applicable]

Barbie makes a lot of good points in her post above.

I would just like to say the jury is out on what wakes them up. Yeah, you can say that Stayed's husband said one thing but then think about someone like Watcher's wife. She seems so incredibly grateful that Watcher "waited" for her. It just depends. Some seem to be more driven by fear of loss and others more impressed with faithfulness.

And add to the fact that if you really have virtually no contact with them, they will assume you have moved on wtihout them unless you are doing stuff like sending silly text messages and greeting cards, in which case they will just consider you a stalker.

I strongly suspect that most MLCers who do have it within them to return are in some way trying to maintain that contact at some level. They may do that by disappearing, yet not divorcing, or vice versa. Or neither divorcing nor disappearing.

As Barbie said, not everyone here is dealing with an MLCer. Normal people who divorce have little contact so I don't see how that means anything at all.

Some people on here describe cases that I think are slam dunk MLC. Others do not describe something that looks slam dunk like MLC. Some describe situations that look like a spouse fed up with their wife/husband and bailed. Simple as that. But in those cases maybe the LBS has some responsibility and no one is going to admit that to themselves and this forum isn't about that so anyone in that situation is going to bury their heads in the sand.

[nah]

No offense taken.....

But I'm confident it's not a "denial"-thing.  Once I learned all about MLC everything fit together like a glove, and I knew WHAT had happened to him.  WHEN it happened to him.  WHERE it happened to him.  And WHY it happened to him.  I'd connected every dot!

Hard to explain, but I just "know"....so, it's pretty easy to trust my gut. 

Oh so it's only MLC... that's why you know he will come back?

Name a MLC stereotype, any MLC stereotype... The Leaver fits every single MLC stereotype like a glove.  If it was a contest, I think he might win the trophy!

"Hard to explain, but you just "know"... oh, you don't have to explain.  I lived it.  I knew, with every cell of my body I just knew.  I used to write about it on here in the early days, I knew 100% that he was coming back. The MLC was obvious, like I said, it fit like a glove, he was dragging his feet with the divorce that I filed, I heard all kinds of gossip how he and the affair partner were always fighting, etc. 

I was so sure...

I was wrong.

[xyzcf]

I am playing armchair therapist here mego but I had an insight about something that you might wish to talk about in therapy.

You "postponed" your court hearing and seem to think that the charges are going to go away.

You do not wish to prepare yourself to enter the work force or consider what the financial implications will be in 5 year's time when maintenance payments stop..again, "postponing" taking care of your financial security for a later date.

Your son is 16. I imagine he will be leaving for college in a year or two yet you "postpone" going out and meeting new people..how will it be when your son is gone?

Any of the things suggested to you do not stop you reconciling with your husband IF he ever wishes to, but they do empower you and give you control over your own life.

The choice is yours...we can only suggest things that we have seen every LBSer have to do in order to survive financially and emotionally.

[megogirl]

I knew, with every cell of my body I just knew.  I used to write about it on here in the early days, I knew 100% that he was coming back.

Did you ever receive phone calls from the "Prisoner" personality?  The pathetic one that begged for your forgiveness, etc.?

I did.  And it was only after I'd hung up the phone that I put two-and-two together and realized, "OMG - that was the 'Prisoner!'" 

Because up until then, I'd had no clue what RCR was talking about.  The personality literally came to life for me, and everything that she'd written about suddenly made sense.  It was an A-HA moment, if ever there was one!

So that confirmed 100% MLC for me.  No question whatsoever.

Someone here the other day asked, "What 'option' am I,  Plan A?  Or Plan B?"  The answer?  "Neither.  Because it's not a choice.  There IS no other option."

That resonated with me..........   

[gman242]

GIG.. I dunno. We're divorcing, she says she's not moving home. Our contact is way down, but she still tries to reach out like we're best friends still.

Is she selfishly trying to keep me from moving on? Is she delusional? Is she just hoping I'll hold on enough for one day, which makes me the second, back burner option?

I dunno.. I just know I'll burn myself out worrying and I think I don't care anymore.

[megogirl]

Is she just hoping I'll hold on enough for one day, which makes me the second, back burner option?

I'm just going to heed the advice of all those that have gone before us here......

1.  Yes.  You must stay around, so that she may keep a watchful eye on you.

2.  No.  I'm just reiterating what someone else just said here....that you are neither Plan A NOR Plan B.  There is simply NO OTHER option.

(Hey I've learned a lot from fellow posters here!)

[nah]

I knew, with every cell of my body I just knew.  I used to write about it on here in the early days, I knew 100% that he was coming back.

Did you ever receive phone calls from the "Prisoner" personality?  The pathetic one that begged for your forgiveness, etc.?

I did.  And it was only after I'd hung up the phone that I put two-and-two together and realized, "OMG - that was the 'Prisoner!'" 

As a matter of fact.... yes.

He told me he looks in the mirror every single morning and thinks about me and the life we used to have... and then gets physically ill. Every morning. He said (word for word), “Do you know what it’s like to feel like you’re living someone else’s life?”

Three weeks after he told me that, he married her.

That was almost 2 years ago.

A few weeks ago, in a message, he said he wished I didn’t hate him (I never said that, not once)..., he said he had a “bad relapse” (talking about drinking, he was sober for 20+ years), .... then went on about him having mental illness and I deserve to be treated better, that we need to communicate.  I said I had a long day and said “Good night”

He said “Good night. Talk to you soon”

That was about 2 weeks ago. I doubt I’ll hear from him again at least for a few months, maybe even a year or two. That’s how he does it.

Like I said... mine should get the trophy.

It’s been over six years... I no longer have that gut feeling, I have a life of my own.

Mego, I’m sorry this happened to you but you are not alone. There is a whole forum of people here who get it.