Author Topic: My Story New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?  (Read 2511 times)

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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My Story New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« on: May 23, 2019, 11:44:52 AM »
Hi all,

so here's my situation in nutshell:

Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 20,5 Years
Me: 43
W: 41 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 22.02.2019
4 girls (19,17,14,12 years) and 1 boy (5 years)
Own home, mortgage remaining for another 5 years (so lots at stake)
Life's been hard for us in recent decade (one crisis after another in family),  and for the past 2 years she's been forced to grow out from the "stay at home" mom role.


So about three months back she dropped the bomb by saying she no longer loves me, has not felt anything as such for 2-3 years and love started to wane on birth of your youngest.  This came out of nowhere for me, and I collapsed pretty badly, spent about week in depressed darkness/anxiety.  After that I desperately tried to improve and spent weeks trying to show how much I loved in various ways. Bad move (I get it now, it just created more anxiety on her). 

More bad news to come.  In April she moved to separate bedroom after saying she no longer even cannot touch  me nor sleep in same bed/room without feeling uncomfortable - and not so many months back we still had regular and very good sex life.  No touch, no sex, just somewhat silent treatment ever since.   Needless to say I crashed and burned, and eventually started therapy because of anxiety this kind of physical/emotional blocking and total fall of trust created on me.   

We started marriage counseling somewhat immediately in March, but it's been of no help as she's not really talking or showing any effort. I've done just about all things possible to fix the issues on my part - read and applied Gottman on my own, read and applied EFT on my own etc.  Even my shrink says I've done huge amount of education and changes in such short period to improve relationship and my relationship skills/communication. And I feel I have grown and become better man/husband in these months...  But zero effect on her, zero attempt on her part, which has made me to come to conclusion that the true problem /solution is not me anymore, but something inside her.

She's not even telling me what specifically is wrong. I have managed to pull out various bits and pieces out, and there seems to be massive resentment from misc events from the past 15 years - she remembers just about everything said and done over the years, whereas I recall about 3 weeks back fully and then glimpses of good times/events. All I get from her "you are now paying the price of all your past actions"--.  For me our marriage was like 90% happy, for her the number is somewhere around 60% (she says).  Not sure why, but she has been keeping and hiding all her bad emotions allowing resentment to pile up until now.  But right now she's definitely behaving like scorned woman / hell hath no fury (even physically aggressive). As if she has never forgiven anything, and is definitely not about any time soon.

Last week I finally "forced" her to private psychotherapist to talk, she spent two hours there, and the therapist had recommended a divorce or very long (years) break as possible solutions. That's all she told me.  She suggested a solution where we put the relationship talks totally on hold and focus on raising the family together for now.  Needless to say I chose the latter - we are living under same house, but everything is about keeping family things up and running. 

She's saying all the venues are still possible (possibly true), but she's not showing anything to support it. And for reason or another I have a gut feeling she's still lying/hiding on something...

 The reason I think she's having MLC is that she's having a kind of affair. With 20+ woman.  She calls it like sister/soulmate love, but it's clearly something more. Her face just lightens up when she talks of her, and she desires her company even more than the company of her own family/kids.  It's not physical (sexually) AFAIK, but some sort of mental affair. She even asked me if it was ok to tell her how much she loves her (just imagine how alien that moment felt for me)...  My wife who used to listen Mozart or Beethoven and read books now spends her nights (and days) listening and watching Billie Eilish and other teen culture, chatting and gaming with her.  As if she went back to being teen.

Needless to say I've done just about all the "do not's" in these three months, and my past is far from perfect (like any person I have hurt my partner from time to time,  but I have also apologized on them whenever I have understood the hurt, and especially now I have apologized just about everything, including my existence).  But I'm finally starting to learn that logic has got very little to do in situation like this  (thanks to all the great articles/guides)... I get that this can swing either way, but I've pretty much lost my hope, faith and love in failure after another in these moths. But as I have sworn the oath of "till death due us apart" on my head  (but she says she hasn't),  I'll choose to become a stander for at least few years. Empathy, forgiveness and love (whatever is left) are what I can provide to her.  Let time heal if it can, and if not then I can say I've done my best. 
 
Does this sound like MLC to you? Or could it be just massive dosage of resentment?  Opinions are more than welcome as even my shrink cannot say heads or tales on her mixed behavior.
« Last Edit: May 23, 2019, 11:46:26 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Offline Father5

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #1 on: May 23, 2019, 12:58:55 PM »
This does sound like MLC to me.

   Stay strong a moderator will be along shortly with more instruction for you 
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline in it

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #2 on: May 23, 2019, 01:03:55 PM »
Hi Alvin,

Sorry you are here. Sounds like a lot of built up resentment..probably not much time for herself with 5 kids plus whatever else she is doing.
Did you say she lashed out physically at you?

Old Pilot will be along soon.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Online PJ Will Be OK

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #3 on: May 23, 2019, 01:10:08 PM »
Sorry you're here Alvin. But I'm glad you found us. OP will be along shortly with a welcome letter. I know it's hard to think straight in your current situation, but try to absorb as much of it as you can.

Post as often as you want. This is the perfect place to journal, vent, or rant. We've been there. Ask questions.

Whether it's MLC or something else, the advice is the same:
* Take care of yourself and your kids.
* Be healthy
* Protect yourself financially. Teenagers (MLCers) are terrible with money.

Treat yourself like you would a buddy who just shared the same story with you.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out June 2019.

"Learning how to live like she ain't coming back."

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10871.0

Offline OldPilot

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #4 on: May 23, 2019, 01:16:48 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Offline megogirl

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #5 on: May 23, 2019, 03:40:21 PM »
It surely sounds like MLC, but here's confirmation:

If her eyes appear to be black, resembling two holes in her face.

It was, and is, a truly frightening sight. 

So sorry that you're here.
« Last Edit: May 23, 2019, 03:42:29 PM by megogirl »

Offline Not Your Monkey

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #6 on: May 23, 2019, 06:01:25 PM »
 8)   :o  ::)
Beware fellow LBSes serving Kool-Aid. You will attract many who will tell you what you want to hear, but it may be very very far from the truth.

Offline akjomsviking

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #7 on: May 23, 2019, 06:28:49 PM »
The reason I think she's having MLC is that she's having a kind of affair. With 20+ woman.  She calls it like sister/soulmate love, but it's clearly something more. Her face just lightens up when she talks of her, and she desires her company even more than the company of her own family/kids.  It's not physical (sexually) AFAIK, but some sort of mental affair. She even asked me if it was ok to tell her how much she loves her (just imagine how alien that moment felt for me)...  My wife who used to listen Mozart or Beethoven and read books now spends her nights (and days) listening and watching Billie Eilish and other teen culture, chatting and gaming with her.  As if she went back to being teen.

That sounds very much like my own MLC'er.  At the time I was VERY private about it and didn't talk to anyone other than a couple of family members, but now that some years have passed I tell people that it was like living with a teenager.  My wife *had been* a woman pursuing her Master's, responsible, sober, boring even.  Then in what felt like days (really it was a couple of years) she regressed to the point that she was sullen, wouldn't look me in the eye, answered every question with "I don't know", was hanging out with people 20 years younger, using cringy phrases like "Age is just a number."  She would leave for days at a time, then return and act offended if I asked her where she'd been.  She would drop hints about not wanting to raise our kids or about how "They really need a dad more than a mom anyways."

Obviously everyone's different and none of our stories are exactly the same but if you hang around these forums long enough you'll see some eerie similarities.  Best of luck and keep your head up.  Remember: no matter what happens, you will come out the other side of this as a stronger and better man.
2 Children
1st BD: May 2013
Reconciled Sept 2013
2nd BD: Oct 2015
Separation: Nov 2016
Dissolution: March 2017

Online Shockandawe

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #8 on: May 23, 2019, 09:58:03 PM »
Hi Alvin

You’re in the best place for understanding the total mindfu**ery that’s going on in your life at the moment. So many stories, all different but all eerily similar. MLC is so shocking and devastating but as Old Pilot says you have been given a gift of time.

The Vets on here know their stuff and advice is always given which comes from people who know exactly what you are talking about and fully understand.

My h is in the throws of MLC and has become the opposite of the man I married. Like you I take my vows seriously and unlike people in real life who don’t get your stand we do.

Just wanted to say hi and let you know we get it.

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #9 on: May 23, 2019, 10:13:45 PM »

Did you say she lashed out physically at you?
 

Kind of (or yes, why bother denying - she did)... 

I was out an a walk, and when I came in, she was venting her frustration to our youngest. Shouting "it's way past your bedtime, no more toothbrushing to you young mister" who was crying somewhat wildly.  I stepped in and tried to calm the situation with my calmest voice saying "teeth are always brushed at night; let me take care of him".    The next thing I know she grabbed me from the chest/shirt and put on some kind of "crazy monkey" face (teeth pulled out, eyes exploding, silent scream etc) holding me.  I was so sure she would hit me, but she just kept me there for maybe 15 seconds, until I very calmly (surprising even myself) managed to say "please remove your hands off from me. Not in front of the kids. Never. Go out and take some time out, and think how to say sorry".

She then pulled out in anger and went for break, I managed to brush the teeth of youngest, and went putting him to bed. She then tried to come back into situation to put our youngest back to bed but I just told "not now. I'm finishing this now. You go and calm yourself".  She went away. 

After that I went to kitchen where she sat, and asked what was that and are you going to say you're sorry.  She just hissed "what if I don't? what are you going to do?"... To my surprise (thank god for reading all those relationship/selfhelp books I had read in past month), I just told her calmly that the "no-apology would not really hurt me anymore; only herself". Then I told her to take her head out of the b*tt, and look at what holding at all the resentment has turned her into, and work on it. 

Needless to say it became a very awkward and silent night, even more silent than usual.  Later that night (actually 4AM) before finally managing to fall asleep, I sent her whatsapp message stating that "no matter what happens, we'll have to be able to behave in respectful and civilized manner. Even in case of divorce, we would be seeing and talking each other a lot because of kids. Do you want to spend rest of your life hating me, or are we to build some kind of good communication. The choice is yours. With respect, your loving husband".

I get that she experiences that I stepped over her authority (by allowing our youngest to get tooth brushed even if he had been warned on several occasions). It is something which seems to be the common ground in all her resentment. 

As for me... I've already forgiven her. I see her not as "herself" anymore, but more of a victim of some bizarre psychological condition/behavior (the same way I was when actively pursuing her).
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

 

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