Author Topic: My Story New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?  (Read 2509 times)

Offline Treasur

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My Story Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #10 on: May 23, 2019, 10:20:38 PM »
Sorry you are here but glad you found us.
A few quick thoughts.

Whatever is going on, it is her crisis and neither love nor logic from you will reach her. So, by all means, make changes you want and need to make for yourself but please release yourself from trying to guess or respond to her ridiculous criticisms. It isn't about you or your marriage...only the fact that 50% of your marriage has just gone MIA into a weird black pit.

Standing is fine, but try not to stand too close if that makes sense. Trying to mind read or watch or guess will drive you crazy. And you have enough to do right now to protect yourself, your kids and the normal grown up responsibilities of life. You did well to stay calm in this latest situation but you will find that words are wasted. Boundaries just like your first response are the key, so you did well. You cannot control her behaviour or how she feels about it but you can choose what you accept or don't.

As this unfolds, and her behaviour becomes more predictably unpredictable, only you will know what is sustainable and sane to live beside. That may mean making some tough choices that your heart does not want but your head knows are wise. And that's ok too.

You have five kids and it sounds as if finances might have been an issue or there have been other tough life events? Do whatever you can to lock down and protect your finances. MLC teenagers can spend money like water and they all lie. Get legal advice...you don't have to act on it and should not tell your wife but information is power.

How are your kids doing? And how are you doing physically and mentally? This crazy surreal stuff takes a toll and self-care is vital to survive it. Right now you are the only sane parent and only sane adult in your family system so you have to look after yourself.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #11 on: May 23, 2019, 11:51:16 PM »
It surely sounds like MLC, but here's confirmation:

If her eyes appear to be black, resembling two holes in her face.

It was, and is, a truly frightening sight. 

So sorry that you're here.

Not my W's eyes, not at least yet....   In first few weeks I thought I saw some love buried deep in her eyes.  Now they are just emotionally detached, at times I think I see some onus(responsibility etc) in addition of anger/frustration on bad moments. And I get it - resentment effectively kills/holds back any feelings of love.

She's like a closed box, one of those giant computers in old science fiction movies.  Stuff goes in, but nothing comes out ever until some far and distant day a paper with answer to life, death and everything comes out.  We've talked (or mostly I have talked, and she has shortly replied when asked) to some extend about her lack of communication and effort, and she says she cannot understand why am I taking the situation so hard. Everything is "as before" from the outer surface and daily life goes on.  My line of (logical/reason) thinking is that there are no issues that could not be worked out in marriage. Life and love are all about choices and will; jumping into pool no matter what to save family life - the sooner the better. That's what people with "sanity" would do in situation like this, and that's what I've done - gone to hell and back again and again to change and fix my issues (and will continue to do so). 

But her approach feels like pure mindf***ry. She's told me that because of kids and good times in the past she's giving me (this) second chance.  But at the same time she's actively blocking every attempt to include possibilities of reviving trust and love.  Yet she still says all the doors/options are possible some day...  This I interpret as need to get space and time, lots of it.   So like the basic advice here goes, I'll try to treat time as my friend/gift (which it is financially speaking), and work on my pile  (right now growing/learning patience and detachment are my biggest issues).   

« Last Edit: May 24, 2019, 07:43:03 AM by Thunder »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Offline Whyus

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #12 on: May 24, 2019, 12:12:08 AM »
I am sorry that you are here Alvin.
My XW also had/has a Little friend (26, XW is 45) who she hangs around with. I even asked her if she is having an affair with her before I found out about OM. Her TGF was her Alibi, her hideout (im just going to TGFs for a couple of hours). I now know where she sent those hours and who helped her cover her tracks.

Anyway, you Sound good considering. The acting "out of age" is totally script when in MLC.
Look after Nr1 now (thats you) and your Kids. They Need you more than ever now as this $h!te will most likely get a lot worse before it gets better (it may never get better unfortunately). Keep yourself occupied and your eyes off your W, she has checked out so look after yourself which you seem to be doing very well.

There is something about the 20 years of marrige, Kids in late Teens which some People cant cope with as it seems.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 46
W: 46 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 31) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept/Tolerate them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Silver

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #13 on: May 24, 2019, 12:26:34 AM »

Needless to say I've done just about all the "do not's" in these three months, and my past is far from perfect (like any person I have hurt my partner from time to time,  but I have also apologized on them whenever I have understood the hurt, and especially now I have apologized just about everything, including my existence).  But I'm finally starting to learn that logic has got very little to do in situation like this  (thanks to all the great articles/guides)... I get that this can swing either way, but I've pretty much lost my hope, faith and love in failure after another in these moths. But as I have sworn the oath of "till death due us apart" on my head  (but she says she hasn't),  I'll choose to become a stander for at least few years. Empathy, forgiveness and love (whatever is left) are what I can provide to her.  Let time heal if it can, and if not then I can say I've done my best. 
 
Does this sound like MLC to you? Or could it be just massive dosage of resentment?  Opinions are more than welcome as even my shrink cannot say heads or tales on her mixed behavior.

Hey Alvin,

No one can say for sure I am afraid but it sure sounds like MLC. Sorry you had to face that in your life buddy.

Like PJ said, your actions are same regardless what her crisis is all about. We all have done much do not's so don't blame yourself about it, it's only human.
You chose to be a stander which is very respectful decision. It's a long walk though. Empathy, forgiveness, love are good things to offer my friend in addition with time and space, in MLC that means she has to go trough the whole tunnel though which makes your boundaries for her 'space' important too, meaning don't let her to doormat you either.

Don't let her MLC define whole your life. Whatever happens it's your life after all and you have a responsibility for yourself and your kids to keep yourself living it the best you can REGARDLESS of her decisions and actions. That's why phrases you may already have heard like live as if she won't return and standing is not standing still, are so important and true.

Never give up hope, never, standing is not possible without it in my opinion. You will get over this in every case.


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Treasur

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #14 on: May 24, 2019, 12:37:11 AM »
Detachment helps a lot with the mindf**kery...just takes a bit of time and practice to get there but it is important to trust your own sense of normal vs not normal adult behaviour. And yup, this isn't it.

And hope? It can be hard to keep hope without being focused on an end result. And the problem is that you just don't know, so your hope goes up and down and that makes detachment harder sometimes bc you keep looking for evidence one way or the other. I found that either hoping for something different ( e.g. Me and the kids will be ok in the end whatever happens)  or turning hope into faith (e.g. I don't know what the outcome will be but I have faith that I will get through it and there will be better days again) was easier.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #15 on: May 24, 2019, 12:54:16 AM »
Whatever is going on, it is her crisis and neither love nor logic from you will reach her. So, by all means, make changes you want and need to make for yourself but please release yourself from trying to guess or respond to her ridiculous criticisms. It isn't about you or your marriage...only the fact that 50% of your marriage has just gone MIA into a weird black pit.

Standing is fine, but try not to stand too close if that makes sense. Trying to mind read or watch or guess will drive you crazy.

This I've learned and understood the hard way.  This is no longer about me, but her ... Or more likely three crisis (her, mine, and our marriages) in package of one. 

Letting go/detaching... Well, that's the hard part. My initial "mental breakup" was simply accepting (within the heart) the possibility of her leaving.   Another breakdown was truly  acknowledging/approving that this is really deep situation with no quick/easy recovery (if any)...  The next (and possibly the final/hardest) step will be  truly accepting there's nothing I can do to change or influence her, just letting life happen.  Until I get to that stage, I fear I'll not reach peace of mind and nothing gets the possibility of fixing...  But at least I know where I have been, where I am now, and where I should be.  That is way lot more knowledge than three months back.   

You have five kids and it sounds as if finances might have been an issue or there have been other tough life events?

Let's just say anything from money issues to health issues have been giving us hard time over the past decade. From one crisis to another we've been supporting others, now is our time. I recall thinking just before this hit the fan, that  finally we could enjoy some peaceful good times of us two.  Oh the irony of life..

Do whatever you can to lock down and protect your finances.
This is a work in progress. But legally it will be 50/50 split in case of worst, so not much I can do besides trying to increase common finances and stay legally married as long as possible (possibly the most concrete way to save funds/increase future wealth for both of us).

How are your kids doing? And how are you doing physically and mentally? This crazy surreal stuff takes a toll and self-care is vital to survive it. Right now you are the only sane parent and only sane adult in your family system so you have to look after yourself.

Well, the first thing (following the night she told), I did was tell the kids/family about the situation in words "stock markets of love have crashed, but we are trying to fix it..." (little did I know where things would be three months later).  It did bring up some tears, but no big reactions otherwise.  Likely I was calm enough when telling not to cause panic.

Also both of our families know about the BD but they don't know the true extend of the situation. For some reason she was unable to told her family on this at all, but it was my duty to break the news. AFAIK she's not spoken any further with her parents (or sisters) on this.  Only her new affection besides counselors knows on where things are with us... 

The kids... Well, they see their mother sleeping on separate room. And they surely feel the tension and lack of communication between us two... But that's about it. I am trying to organize regular family activities like dining together etc.  Maybe I am now putting too much of my energy to kids, but kids/family is now my number one priority.
 
As for my well-being...  I've totally fallen apart, and am now rebuilding myself anew...  I'm seeing a shrink in addition of marriage counselling.  And the physical side of me crashed too (chronic health issues which went from bad to worse, but thanks to meds are now under control)...  I've put my frustration/energy into hiking - could easily spend 1-3 hours a day in simply walking around the woods, roads and lakesides.  And I'm listening lots of music (for energy/happiness, not heartache songs anymore)...  As far as sleeping goes... lots of dreams every night, mixed amounts of sleep. I guess all those dreams are my tormented soul's way of processing lack of real communication and effort.

Her well-being too is mixed.. .She's taking naps on some days, for example yesterday she slept till midday while I took care of the kids and prepared food. And then she was up till 2AM playing games... I've understood her well-being is no longer a problem of mine, and I've reduced my looking after.  But I simply cannot let her crash totally as it would affect family life (she's had few depression periods during our marriage, so I know what it can be alike - this is not like that yet, but unless she gets rest, she will not make through). 

So it's complicated. Life is, when everything (kids, family, finances, living etc) are so interconnected.

 
« Last Edit: May 24, 2019, 02:52:45 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #16 on: May 24, 2019, 01:03:46 AM »
Detachment helps a lot with the mindf**kery...just takes a bit of time and practice to get there but it is important to trust your own sense of normal vs not normal adult behaviour. And yup, this isn't it.

And hope? It can be hard to keep hope without being focused on an end result. And the problem is that you just don't know, so your hope goes up and down and that makes detachment harder sometimes bc you keep looking for evidence one way or the other. I found that either hoping for something different ( e.g. Me and the kids will be ok in the end whatever happens)  or turning hope into faith (e.g. I don't know what the outcome will be but I have faith that I will get through it and there will be better days again) was easier.

Thanks.  Will definitely give this advice a try as it feels solid/normal behavior I can understand.

Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Offline xyzcf

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #17 on: May 24, 2019, 06:10:50 AM »
Hello and welcome to Hero's Spouse. It is such a relief to have some place to be able to talk about this mess to others who totally get it. I was thinking the other day, that if my husband was the only "case" of such strange behavior, it would be harder for me (although it certainly is hard enough!) but when I read so many stories and nod my head as I am reading, it helps me to remember, there is something really wrong with him.

Quote
We started marriage counseling somewhat immediately in March, but it's been of no help as she's not really talking or showing any effort.

I have not read of one case on HS where marriage counseling has helped. It is as though they go to appease us but they will not participate. We were married 32 years and after the second session he announced that he was done with the therapy. I could continue if I wished but he was "out of there".


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which has made me to come to conclusion that the true problem /solution is not me anymore, but something inside her.

This is the most important thing that you can do. This is her crisis, her journey. Something is broken inside of her, has been most of her life most likely. She would have had a crisis no matter who she had married. It is hard not to take it personally.

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last week I finally "forced" her to private psychotherapist to talk, she spent two hours there, and the therapist had recommended a divorce or very long (years) break as possible solutions.

Lovely when a therapist recommends destroying a family! The marriage therapist told my husband when I was in the office that "it was time for him to get in touch with his bad side". I was devastated hearing that but in actual fact, future events showed that is what he would do....indicated by some of his replay activities.

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As for me... I've already forgiven her. I see her not as "herself" anymore, but more of a victim of some bizarre psychological condition/behavior (the same way I was when actively pursuing her).

You have been able to see beyond the person and from your reading, you can see that this is not the woman you have loved for all these years. This will help you to detach and let her do what she must do in her crisis.

Quote
she says she cannot understand why am I taking the situation so hard. Everything is "as before" from the outer surface and daily life goes on.  My line of (logical/reason) thinking is that there are no issues that could not be worked out in marriage. Life and love are all about choices and will; jumping into pool no matter what to save family life - the sooner the better. That's what people with "sanity" would do in situation like this, and that's what I've done - gone to hell and back again and again to change and fix my issues (and will continue to do so). 

Yes, they don't seem to see that just walking away from all these years and their families is a problem. "Normal" people at least try to solve the issues and work hard to attempt to save something so precious. They just do not feel the need to.

Quote
The next (and possibly the final/hardest) step will be  truly accepting there's nothing I can do to change or influence her, just letting life happen.  Until I get to that stage, I fear I'll not reach peace of mind and nothing gets the possibility of fixing... 

It takes time and often even when we think that we "get it" certain events will trigger us once again.

The exercise and music are great tools to use to help you through this. Therapy also can be great if you have a therapist that understands what is happening.

I am a stander and have been for almost 10 years. It is very hard because the world doesn't support me, my family doesn't support me but I would not change my decision. Each person on HS will determine what is right for them and are supported which is what makes this site so very special.

Reading other's threads can be helpful in furthering our understanding of the pathology of MLC. You might like to read BBhelp's thread whose wife was in a crisis. he explains things very well. He can be followed at:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9713.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10463.0
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #18 on: May 24, 2019, 07:15:53 AM »
This is the most important thing that you can do. This is her crisis, her journey. Something is broken inside of her, has been most of her life most likely. She would have had a crisis no matter who she had married. It is hard not to take it personally.

I've known she's been broken (weak ego, depression periods etc) most of her life. But I never in my wildest dreams imagined that it would try to "fix" like this. Right now she's bit like amazon warrior doing all kinds of stunts which are not her past self-like.  For example she's been against starting her own business/enterpreneurship for decades, and now she's going for it like driven (not much of a choice as jobs on her line are not easily available locally).

I just spoke on the phone with the oldest girl , and told some of the recent activity at home (me starting exercising, she thinking of starting a business of her own), and she was like what on earth is happening.  She  like all the kids know of the BD, but that's all I've told as our relationship is our worry (my wife was about to tell her more about month back when they had a girls night out, but my girl refused to listen unless we're about to drop nukes - smart move from her). 

Right now the best I can do is support her in her decisions if they make even one bit of (financial) sense. If it flies then we all benefit. If it crashes, then it hurts us all...  Boundaries, all about boundaries.


Yes, they don't seem to see that just walking away from all these years and their families is a problem. "Normal" people at least try to solve the issues and work hard to attempt to save something so precious. They just do not feel the need to.

I don't think she would ever walk out our kids (but I guess there are many horror stories here). Too much love on that part even in current state. 

Possibly right now there's some kind of balance of "fear".  In the beginning of crisis I told her she could have full custody in case of divorce as I knew she could not live without seeing them daily, and I thought I could make it. But as days have turned to weeks and weeks to months without progress of any kind, I've understood I could not make without the kids for longer periods neither.   So I've set out another boundary to her, and told that I'll never give up on the kids without a fight. So she knows that if divorce cometh, I'll go for equal 50/50 rights and nothing less.  It's not ideal for the kids, but it would be good for me  and good for her in worst scenario- another boundary set there. 


It takes time and often even when we think that we "get it" certain events will trigger us once again.

Yep... I just read on the "white bear" method of getting over rumination (that goes on like devil's drums on my head way too often)...  It actually helped to write down the details of worst case scenario, step by step on paper... So there's now a some kind of "roadmap" what might happen and how life would actually win (for me and kids) even if all goes the worst route. In the end it became nowhere as frightening as I would have thought, but it is definitely good feeding for building detachment. Not so afraid of as before...  Of course I'm trying very hard not to turn it into self-fulfilling prophecy.  Right now my plan is not to rock the boat (keeping status quo as long as possible) by giving space and distance, and working out self (which will benefit me regardless of the final result).

Thanks for the kind words to all. They mean a lot as these have been the hardest months of my life so far (and I'm in no illusion that this would be over quickly).
« Last Edit: May 24, 2019, 07:34:06 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Offline xyzcf

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #19 on: May 24, 2019, 07:29:00 AM »
One thing I had read in the many many books I read initially was that it might be better not to share all the details of what is happening with family/friends because if you do reconcile, it would be easier perhaps for the MLCer to be "accepted" back into the "pack".

Quote
I've told as our relationship is our worry

There is such a fine line. Sometimes our older kids "know" anyway but I personally did not share many things with our daughter (who was 25 then) because I did and still do want her to have a relationship with her dad. I "protected" him so that she wouldn't think worse of him then she already did.

Even though she asked me twice, I lied about his affair. I never felt right about that for it set up "family secrets" and that wasn't good either.

My daughter lives thousands of miles from me, and as the years past, there never seemed to be a "right" time to talk to her about this. He divorced me 9 years after BD and that gave me an opening to tell her the "truth". It relieved me of carrying that "secret" but I also wonder if I told her because I was so angry that after all these years, he would divorce me without ever mentioning that he was going to do so (he sent me an email to inform me)....my daughter and I have never talked about it since.

My therapist doesn't like the dynamics between my daughter and I for my daughter will not engage in any discussion really about all this. She has a relationship with her dad, and a separate one with me and she doesn't let either one of us know what those relationships are about.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

 

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