Author Topic: My Story New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?  (Read 2510 times)

Offline Thunder

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My Story Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #20 on: May 24, 2019, 08:09:37 AM »
Hi Alvin,

Sorry you find yourself in this mess.  It's very hard on everyone.

Please just know, this crisis of hers has nothing to do with you or your marriage no matter what she tells you.
They just need an excuse for what they are doing so somehow it has to be your fault.  It can't be them destroying the family.  That would make them the bad guy.
Some of the reasons they come up with are down right ridiculous.

I would suggest two things.  Stop having relationship talks with her, they will never end well.  If she starts in just tell her..."I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away.  Don't let her bait you into an argument, that's what they want.

Be light and friendly when you are around her to keep the calm for the kids.

If she does end up wanting a divorce, let her know you don't agree but you will not stand in her way.  Then do nothing to help her.  Nothing! Let it be her divorce.
Also if she wants out, if it gets to that point, let her know you are not moving out of the house if she wants out then she will need to leave.  You are staying with your kids.

I hope it never gets to this point.  Just take good care of yourself and be there for your kids, they need one sane parent.

"Family" outtings?  I'm not sure that is a good idea, unless she initiates it.  Sometimes they look at that as manipulation.  However you can always make plans for you and the kids.

Hang in there, Alvin.  None of this is easy.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline gman242

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #21 on: May 24, 2019, 11:43:10 AM »

Needless to say it became a very awkward and silent night, even more silent than usual.  Later that night (actually 4AM) before finally managing to fall asleep, I sent her whatsapp message stating that "no matter what happens, we'll have to be able to behave in respectful and civilized manner. Even in case of divorce, we would be seeing and talking each other a lot because of kids. Do you want to spend rest of your life hating me, or are we to build some kind of good communication. The choice is yours. With respect, your loving husband".

I'm just jumping in here.. welcome to the board ..!

Right after my wife moved out, I said the same thing more or less. She went with me to see our son off to boyscout camp for the weekend and she was acting more like my son.. angry, disinterested, on her phone. She threw a fit about coming and I even if we're going to be divorced, we need to act like adults.

It's a bizarre feeling, having to act like a parent to your wife. Especially when someone like mine was a fantastic mother, previously. If anything,  it just goes to show we've all be through the same stuff.

It's normal for our spouses to regress and she may have just found someone that is willing to indulge them in their regression. But be prepared for something physical to happen, if it hasn't already and for every one thing you do hear about, just assume there's at least 10 you don't know about.

I'm not trying to scare you, just prepare you for the grim reality of this sad business. Just protect you and your kids and hang in there, we're here if you need us!

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #22 on: May 25, 2019, 12:04:17 AM »
I would suggest two things.  Stop having relationship talks with her, they will never end well.  If she starts in just tell her..."I'm sorry you feel that way" and walk away.  Don't let her bait you into an argument, that's what they want.

Thanks.   That is what I'll try to commit myself... It's just so damn difficult to keep ones mouth shut, when you have shared all joys and sorrows for two decades, and are of talkative kind.  But I have seen and witnessed enough damage already with my desire to communicate. Oh how I wish and desire the strength to keep my mouth shut.   

Yesterday I had a weak moment (hopefully my last) and I looked into her eyes for awhile, and could not help dropping tears. She then asked why I cried, and I told her because "I am sorry you no longer feel love for me... I wish I would love you no more as it would make everyone's life easier. But I can't help, I still love you...".  She then replied 'why should you stop loving, nothing's changed with our daily lives'... As if she does not see the situation. I feel so stupid for allowing myself to fall for emotions/mindf***ry.   

I've been thinking over some of the things she's plumbed out over these months, especially that according to her about 10 years back something changed within me (that is the time I got chronically ill and was in really bad shape). According to her I had became withdrawn and self-centered for many (5-6) years... Could it be possible that I've gone through my MLC in my early 30s, and she was the stander first? Or was it just some psychological reaction to understanding that "life as I knew" was over?  Either way, those years have left a lot of resentment within her (but I've also been given examples of "crimes" that go way further into our relationship history)..  I really hate that her memory is so exceptional and she can remember just about anything ever; for me there is zero recollection except for the selected happy moments from the past and then only "short term" (1-12 months) in more detail....  Be it MLC or not, long term marriages cannot survive without forgiveness and sticking with present (and future) and not the past.  That is what I consider normal...  But part of me now feels even more "obliged" to stand especially if I've gone through MLC back then and she's stood by my side.

On the positive side, the "white bears" scripting practice helped me to sleep better.   For the first time in god knows how many weeks/months I was not having dream talks with her, but saw some kind "murder mystery" dream (in which she was involved).    But still, it was/is very painful to wake up and realize you are in your marital bed alone.  She even no longer calls it "our bed", just "your bed".

Anyway, she's today out with her girlfriends (going to zoo and picnic).  I'll get a day with the kids/family.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2019, 12:08:37 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Offline Thunder

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #23 on: May 25, 2019, 05:44:14 AM »
Alvin,

Don't beat yourself up for showing emotion or trying to figure out what caused all this to happen.  We've all done the same thing.  We must have done something to cause them to fall out of love with us.

Trouble is, even though none of us was perfect, you did nothing to cause this.  It would have happened if you had been a perfect husband.
Because it has nothing to do with you.  She would have gone is crisis no matter who she married.
It's something within her.

It takes a long time for this to sink in...and it takes a long time to detach from them, but you can't fix her or change her, so detaching with love is the best thing to do.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #24 on: May 25, 2019, 07:32:46 AM »
Hello,

Quote
She would have gone is crisis no matter who she married.
It's something within her.

This is where Thunder and I totally agree. Hearts Blessing wrote years ago that the issues are from adolescent or early adulthood and were repressed. They have remained buried for years and years. Then something in the later adult brings these issues back to the surface and combined with the new issues creates the crisis that they can't handle.

The point is, it was going to happen at some point.

Now the only thing you can do is let her go and focus on you. Take this time to do your own mirror work and pick up a hobby or activity that you enjoy. This crisis takes time, but it is on her schedule and her ability to work through her issues on her own.

I can't make any promises, but if you work on becoming whole again and just live for you and your kids, you will come out as a better man.

Enjoy your time with the children!

Fist bump,

Ready
"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #25 on: May 25, 2019, 08:03:56 AM »
Oh, I'm no longer trying to figure out what caused all this to happen. I acknowledge (and even accept) whatever is going is strictly within her and happens on her timeline, past cannot be changed etc. truths.   

But  I do feel that in order for myself to move on, I need to reach some kind of "self forgiveness". I'm sure most here have taken a deep look of their relationships at this (early) stage, and noticed you were not as perfect as you thought. And though any of wrongs might not have contributed to MLC, they do require some kind of "balancing"  - call it act of Karma or whatever - in order to feel comfortable on your skin.   In normal world this would eventually come through forgiveness process and new future "trust building" actions (which I basically tried by reading and implementing Gottman, EFT etc within first months). But I fear that in current situation it may be a long await, possibly never, to receive forgiveness through that route.

I may have changed the "bad parts" within me, but I still need to reason myself why they ended up within me first place.    Even if it means discovering and accepting that "life happened", I'll  have to do some soul searching.

PS. Added afterwards... Just went for quick hike on the woods. The power of nature is amazing, as when breathing fresh air and marvelling the grandeur of it all, I realized that the same "forgiveness process" that I use for others can work for oneself.  So maybe this "mantra" will be useful to somebody else someday:

I forgive myself for being ignorant and hurting her by not understanding. Ignorance can be only fixed with education I did not have back then.
I forgive myself for behaving and talking too straight. It was a learned model from my childhood and I have now broken the cycle.
I forgive myself for taking her granted. It was just ignorant and selfish behavior on my part, but I just did not understand.
I forgive myself for being human. We all make mistakes. We all learn from mistakes.
« Last Edit: May 25, 2019, 09:14:12 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Offline in it

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #26 on: May 25, 2019, 11:23:11 AM »
Yes that's where it starts forgiving yourself first. :)

I had a lot I had to forgive myself for.

Staying with the ex and not being treated better was just one of them, I should have left him years ago.
But silly me I kept focusing on what good there was until the bad could no longer be ignored, made excuses for, or rationalized.

No ones perfect, nor should they try to be. Making mistakes is part of being human.
And I just don't make the same mistake once, I do it 5 or 6 times just to make sure before I realize I'm an idiot. ;D

Caused myself a whole lot of damage. Much more than if I had just kept going 9 years ago (after the divorce) and not looked back. My life and/or that old one was way out of balance.

All I can tell anyone in these newer situations is put your heart away, and use your head. Sometimes easier said than done.
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline megogirl

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #27 on: May 25, 2019, 03:45:30 PM »
And I just don't make the same mistake once, I do it 5 or 6 times just to make sure before I realize I'm an idiot.

This is comedy gold -- thank you :)

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #28 on: June 07, 2019, 01:15:25 AM »
Just to vent out life/feelings a bit....

I went for morning walk, when angry pheasant started following and chasing me somewhat viciously.  I got bit scared of the situation as it just went more and more agressive, and I (semi-automatically) wanted to run home and seek "comfort" (or something) from her.   But when I was rushing back home through woods, I realized what I was about to do, and then refused myself.  She c/would not provide the comfort I was looking as she feels loves me not. And then I hugged myself, cried alone in the woods, blaming her, blaming the universe on all this happening...   Until I realized it was all within me. I got scared. I wanted comfort/protection from her. I disallowed it from myself (as she likely would have put up some kind of akward hug for me despite the current situation). And it was I who put blame for her and universe.  And I finally figured out that it was all within my head: I did all those things; I created all the drama within without her participation, and if I had not rewinded and slowed the situation, I would have remained stuck in "she did it" victim mentality ... It was very humbling, shameful, but also empowering moment (for self-healing/development/detachment).

She's just so empty/exhausted... She even admitted it at councelling: I exhaust her completely. She said she has zero energy to talk or do anything related to us or the relationship, and any attempt to do so will push her even further away. Life and family she can manage, maybe even better without me being around... I've pushed myself further and further away from her to give the space/distance she very clearly needs. 

There is so much self-hate within her that it scares me a bit.  She's had two eruptions and one tantrum within these two past weeks: and most of it has been "self-hate". How she messed up life and things, how unworthy she feels, how she does not know of anything, how ugly she looks, how tired and failed she feels for not being able to process these things faster.  And my part of the blame/frustration/anger is that "I made it all to her, I broke her self-confidence" with my (in her opinion/validity) constant criticism and negativity....  It breaks my heart to see her falling apart and hurting  like that.... Again, I'm stepping further and further away to give her the precious gift of time and space. 

Maybe/hopefully she'll someday understands that nobody knowingly wants to hurt the ones they love, and understanding what my past actions/words have done has scarred me too forever.  I cannot change the past, but I can only focus on present - planting seeds for better tomorrow.  I've been doing lot of mindfullness and self-evaluation in these weeks. I thought my initial change of behaviour (Gottmans antitodes against the four horsemen etc) was enough, but I've delved way deeper into myself now and founds lots to improve. As I've learned/realized that all emotions/feelings come within us only, and nothing external cannot control them - it is always about us self how we feel.  Though I won't deny my influence/copartnership in how $h!tety she feels, her emotions come within her, and she must unravel their negative nature alone to find peace to her soul. My memory 90% happy marriage is as valid as her 50% happy marriage...  I can only try to become a better man (for her and myself) if she decides to give a me new chance some day.  I've discoverd anxiety,  judgementalism (criticism/negativity), impatience within me/my behaviour. And fortunately I've learned some good ways to replace them with (mindful) serenity, compassion/empathy, patience... Maybe the changes will be too late to salvage our marriage, but at least I know they will make more of the person I want to be for rest of my life.

Up, up and onwards...
« Last Edit: June 07, 2019, 01:17:26 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Online readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #29 on: June 07, 2019, 08:51:10 AM »
Hello,

Quote
She's just so empty/exhausted... She even admitted it at councelling: I exhaust her completely.

This is why you need to detach and act as if she is not part of your life. As long as you try to engage, to speak, to defend or acknowledge, you will be draining her.

It was the same thing when I was a classroom teacher. I had a particular student who did not follow the rules, constantly caused trouble, started fights, and was openly defiant. I just knew that if he was gone, the class would be perfect. He was my only issue.

He did get expelled. He wasn't gone for one day and I still had problems, I still had students that didn't follow rules, got into fights, and were openly defiant.

The problem was with me. I was a brand new teacher and I wasn't that good. I learned more my first year then my students. By my second year, I turned the tide and by year three, I was "the teacher" that parents demanded!

So it was a happy ending.

Quote
she must unravel their negative nature alone to find peace to her soul.

Yes, that is her journey.

Quote
but I've delved way deeper into myself now and founds lots to improve.

Good, but while it is good to take a look at areas you need to improve, look at your strengths. What works for you? When things go well, what is you mindset? What were you thinking at that time?

My point is that we often look at the positives as natural, they just happen, and we don't look at what we did to make that happen. Just as much as you look at your areas to improve, look at what makes you succeed.

You are doing well and I hope that you just let the rope go more and more each day.

Fist bump and while you are at it, stay away from angry peasants! They run around with pitchforks and torches.

Ready

"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

 

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