Author Topic: My Story New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?  (Read 2557 times)

Offline AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 78
  • Gender: Male
My Story Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #40 on: June 13, 2019, 03:33:55 AM »
Having another crappy day in row.  Back to 5+ hour sleep: too much stuff rummaging inside my brains combined to bad weather. I feel a headache coming my way....  I read somewhere  "what consumes your mind is what controls your life".   The concious me is realizing I'm giving this situation (and along with it her) too much thought;  that I should focus more on doing things that empower me, something light and fun as well. But today I'm lacking energy...  Oh how I wish my brains had a switch-button for quick and easy detachment, surrendering and acceptance. It would make life so much easier.

Trying to remind myself of all the good aspects of living with inhouse MLC partner: family is still intact, finances are still intact, kids get to see that relationships are not always easy., I get to grow and know myself and my limits really well and  in depth...  I know I should be grateful all these, but when heading to work I just wanted to shout out aloud how I hate MLC.  Anger it was, for universe/life taking away what I (thought I) had.

« Last Edit: June 13, 2019, 03:38:48 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Offline Silver

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2142
  • Gender: Male
Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #41 on: June 13, 2019, 03:55:50 AM »
Helped me to leave the house often enough, to do anything but be at home monkey braining. Saying that, I had really low energy phase too, got home from work and did only absolute necessary stuff like feed kids and got under my blanket like it would isolate me from horrible situation. Detachment is difficult when living under same roof, you need to get out of there as much as you can and do whatever is not related to her.
Just my 2 cents.

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 78
  • Gender: Male
Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #42 on: June 14, 2019, 05:12:46 AM »
Feeling better today (also slept better)...   Woke up with the though "why am I putting so much though on how she feels of me. It's ME and my feelings and my wellbeing whom I should be putting attention into right now"...  Feeling something unlocked on that moment (at least for the day, hopefully it will be same way tomorrow as well).

Last night I had the wonderful possibility to dive into world of ranting/resentful MLCr and watch & learn.  Feeling bit like anthropologist when looking at her behaviour...

I asked W about our second oldest girls birthday plans: whether party would be at our place or at W grandparents.
She shighed, and started ranting (again frustrated tone): how could you not get that it will be at my grandparents. Thats why I asked me yesterday to fix the bike, so I could cycle there." 
Me (with calm/friendly voice): You never said explicitly why you needed the bike fix, and I did not make any assumptions.  That's why I asked where we will celebrate.
Of course she begun cycling how I should have jumped to conclusion, but I just said "Good, the plan is clear now. All OK now. See you", and walked away to do other stuff.

Later the night one of our girls stepped in with the margarin container lid "trap" (despite I had placed a warning sticker "do not place this lid under the container" just to remember myself).... And W gave her the same rant as for me, adding how everyone else for some reason did not realize how bad a practice it was.

At evening snack W started instructing (again with frustrated tone) me & kids voice how pepper should be sliced (as Jamie Oliver's style was apparently not to her liking).... Just allowed her to vent out, listening silenty and compassionately smiling within.

And as I came off reading a bedtime story to our youngest, she started ranting how wrong I did for not starting with the first volume of the book series (and even the wrong series in her opinion), and how she had (and would) read them in correct order for the kids.  Again just let her say all there was, and then said just "OK" and then headed on my own.

It's kind of funny how W is failing to see how her own demands (of behaviours/actions of me and others) is making and building all that tension and frustration within her.   As if she is fully lacking the ability to realize "you can't change others, only yourself"...  But realizing this also makes oh so clearly why she needs and wants the distance and space: she experiences my/kids doings wrong most of the time, and the more so happens, the more anxiety/frustration she builds up. I think I get some extra annoyment points upon the fact that I'm no longer taking the bait of argumenting/cycling with her...   Clearly this kind of thinking cannot go on forever without massive eruption (or crashdown) of some sorts. Heaven help me & family (& her) that day. 
« Last Edit: June 14, 2019, 05:22:04 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Offline AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 78
  • Gender: Male
Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #43 on: June 16, 2019, 01:06:10 PM »
Still feeling all ok, mostly thinking happy and grateful thoughts of life when waking up in the morning and throughout the day . Mysterious. I cannot help wondering what boundary my mind has  crossed...  I read somewhere that happiness does not motivate a person to change their way of live.  Do tell, LOL. If I would not have gone to hell and back again and again  in vein attempts to get her to love me, and broken my heart again and again with each new revelation coming out to light, and eventually breaking my mental health when realizing she might dump me, I definitely would not have become what I now am.  I can already say that the "old me" is dead as dodo and not coming back; not sure if I want or must change any more; but somehow I doubt the universe will ask my willingness.  Whatever is coming out of me is about be fabulous, independent and strong; I can already sense it. 

I feel I'm slowly but surely getting back to my 'old habbits' after these 3½ hell-ish months... Few nights back I started reading a bedtime book (instead of psychology books).  And today I planted some tomatoes and flowers on the garden (hopefully not for the last time). And then went on the beach with my youngest ones....     Some new habbits kicking in as well... For the first in my married life I'm actually jogging/running for fun.  It's my new routine on the morning, and last thing on the late night, and sometimes in middle of the day too.  3½ months back I was happy to last for 30 seconds with body crying for break, now I can somewhat easily jog for 5-10+ minutes non-stop and after a short break start again.  And it feels good (despite being obese)... I think it is my way to channel some of the hidden anger as most of the music I listen while jogging around is slighty put "empowering"...    Not booking my marathon ticket yet, but who knows. It seems I've got lots and lots of time practice, so anything's possible.   

I and W have been changing beds every other night for about month, so that we get equal amount of morning wakeups and cuddling from our youngest (my idea, not hers). Last night W asked If she could sleep weekends entirely at master bedroom/marital bed  (to have longer sleep, as our son usually wakes up around 7AM and that is pretty much the only silent place then).  No problem for me as I'm usually up around 6-7AM regardless of what day it is...But I can't help thinking if I'm  making life too comfortable for her. In the end she could/should try to reduce gaming and Youtube on nights (basically she's just numbing her brains, likely an effort to keep status quo with situation)...  Oh how I dread the day when our youngest asks why aren't we sleeping in same bed or room anymore, and why are not we having family hugs. Not trying to make a number of it, but he's a smart 5yo.  But I will not be the one explaining as I don't have the answers why we cannot sleep on same room/bed (as I've given her an oath not to touch her as long as she so prefers).

Did draw a new boundary for W...  Yesterday she snapped to our youngest, telling how S5 is chronic lier (did not take his blanket to bed, despite saying he had - not the first time nor the first issue ). I very gently but forcefully stated that asking S5 to fix a thing like is one thing, but blaming a 5yo. chronic lier is another...  Needless to say W did not take it very well; saw it another example of me stepping over her authority. I just reminded that we are on the same team with kids, trying to raise them healthy and happy.... I'm just shocked that as a person with low self-esteem issues, she cannot she the potential harm her words can do to our kids.  Later I told S5 that he's a good kid and doing his tasks well... 
« Last Edit: June 16, 2019, 01:16:55 PM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Online PJ Will Be OK

  • MLCer Type: Low-Energy
  • Sr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 449
  • Gender: Male
Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #44 on: June 22, 2019, 04:37:15 PM »
So sorry you're going through this. It sucks. It's so hard. I hate it.

My W has been home for 3 1/2 years and is now moving out for what (she says) is 3 months.

No advice for you but to echo what Silver said. One thing I've failed at is having fun. If you can find some activity that gets you out of your head for a while, do as much of it as you can.

Stay strong and be good to yourself.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2: 2018 - FA
W moved out June 2019.

"Learning how to live like she ain't coming back."

My thread: https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10871.0

Offline AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 78
  • Gender: Male
Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #45 on: June 23, 2019, 06:42:56 AM »
Thanks PJ.... 

One of those questions I've been thinking (even monkey braining) recently is how do people with live-in MLC'rs (especially low-energy/wallower type) pull through day-to-day life? I mean you have to have patience of a saint (and more).  And endless flexibility and some boundaries to keep family life as normal as possible.  Surely there is a topic on that somewhere in these discussions?

For example right now I'm looking at her mattress on living room floor for third day in a row (unless I take it away she just "forgets" it)... Few nights back our G18 (who's back home for few nights) looked at the mattres and asked her why cant we sleep in same bedroom and bed.  No response from W, but I said "It's one of the mysteries of universe I have no answer.  Not even sure if your mother knows...".   Deep within I felt some kind of satisfaction as I had told W that sooner or later the kids would ask about the reasons of sleeping arrangement.  Well, that's one in, four more to come.  Not really sure how to react with the mattress at all.  It does irk me on some level, but much less than in the beginning - what worries me most is what it teaches to kids (but I try to rely on her words, as long as we don't make it anything special, kids will not be harmed by it).

As for life, it's been strange in recent week (possibly the new norm for my life).

We got into "parenting/relationship talk" last Sunday, and it became more sane than I ever imagined... S5 and W were visiting family friends and came home quite late.  Both were tired, but she was very frustrated as S5 had not behaved up to her expectations, had asked his friend to shoot W with watergun, blast her soaking wet, and then both had run away from her (yes, it was bad behaviour, but I cannot help chuckling with the image of it all happening). Needless to say she was erupting like vulcano when back at home...  I tried to distract and calm her by offering cup of tea and  giving S5 some late night snack - but she just went on in frustration/anger untill S5 started crying.  And that is where I draw yet another boundary: told her firmly but calmly to cool down.  Yes, S5 behaviour had been out of line, but so was hers IMHO.  She pointed all her frustration towards me, but I just stayed firm and calm, and told "no more frustration and anger like this towards or in front of kids, please", and then backed away from situation...  Later I went to talk to her (well aware that she might explode or withdraw), and asked very gently what the hell was it all about. To my surprise she whispered that my sidetrailing attempt made her feel devalued; as if her point (expressing anger/frustration toward S5's bad behaviour and how bad she felt) was worthless to everyone.  I asked what's the better alternative, and she said I should have said "let's take some tea and talk together what happened".  Then I gently asked why was she feeling so frustrated with the situation on the first place, and  why was it important to express frustration, and above all what did she feel behind it all... After silence,and few repeats of the same questions, she whispered "...because of low self-esteem.... it was not like that always... ".... After that she closed up for rest of the night....  I can see a soul that is truly suffering within. But she's got a point in there. I could have approached the situation differently, in more co-operative spirit, and will try to do so in future.

The following day brought another interesting event... G19 phoned her and told her driving lesson had been a disaster. The driving instructor had behaved badly, shouted at her, devaluing her driving skills etc.  Then W told a story/advice that made me think the connections between past and present behaviour... W had experienced a similar situation 20+ years back.  She recalled everything about the incident, and then gave G19 advice I think most people would not think in such situation. "Seek the nearest parking lot. And say you need to pause there and gather the thoughts before being able to carry on.   And no matter what the instructior says or yells, just wait there as long as you need to, and if nothing else works then walk out..."  I can see how it might be good way to avoid confrontation and getting oneself together, but I think a more "normal" response would be to simply say "hey, I'm trying my best. Please don't behave badly. Can you give me better instructions (or I'll file a report on you)"...   Later the night I asked if she still remembers the anger and frustration caused by the situation, and she replied "some yes"...  I can definitely see where this current behaviour, avoiding confrontation, escaping,  and not forgiving/building resentment, is coming from.  She's repeating the same pattern here and now.

It is interesting to follow how her reactions counterpart my behavorial changes...  As I've learned to avoid most of her attempts to get negative/fight reaction out of me, she's coming up with new ways to express resentment and get me involved into situations. Few months back in MC she told how my best feature was taking care of kids/family; now she's openly trumpetting how a man who's been married with kids for 20 years don't know how to get ready for this and that, and then she generalizes it to  "oh, that's what all men do"... But I know it's her problem, not mine (though I do listen in case there is really something I should truly work upon). Just calmly say "Sorry you feel that way; I still cannot read minds, and thus cannot fill any expectations you are not telling me right at the moment".

I had my final IC/therapy session for the summer season midweek.  As the weather was fine, I opted to cycle there - 12 miles oneway.  Sweaty job, but lots of fun (and hopefully it will help to loose some weight)..  Therapist liked my progress, asked if this could/should be final session. Told I would prefer to carry on at least for few sessions more (as she's the only one I can talk about this stuff and my feelings), so a new session is scheduled for August...  Possibly the most striking thing was that she said I'm clearly a positive person/thinker,.  I told W (and kids) have told the opposite, and as such I've always considered myself  something of a opposite. Live and learn.

Later I went shopping with G19, and decided to buy a diary for W.  Not sure if she ever puts it into use, but at least it will be there for her on the long run (unless trashed)... Wrote a dedication "May this diary be your companion on the road of Dukkha... xx, your husband".  She was surprised by the diary,  and asked what the Dukkha was about.  Told her it Buddhist term for "life's suffering" - all the bad, good and indifferent that comes along with hardships of life.   
« Last Edit: June 23, 2019, 06:50:28 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Offline Silver

  • Moderator
  • Hero Member
  • *
  • Posts: 2142
  • Gender: Male
Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #46 on: June 24, 2019, 12:17:48 AM »
First of all Alvin, you are doing very good bro. In my opinion you are at right rails by focusing your actions more and more on yourself. Like jogging and any other physical activity, keeps you out of house and of her way while you can empty your mind or process your thoughts, whatever is good for you. AND getting at better shape little by little, I started jogging a month after BD and 2 months after I started, I ran 10 km:s. Started from 1 minute, knee operated and not in good shape at all, overweight etc. Exercising of any kind also is very good channel to let the steam out, be it about anger, frustration or whatever. And as you know already, the feeling after a run is just, well great. Keep doing whatever exercise/physical activity is good for you!

I have to say that you seem to cope much better with your Midlifer as I did with mine when still lived together. Like you said, it demands so much but you have done good. You need some boundaries to protect yourself and kids, like you have done this far. Building resentment, blaming and projecting are something you can't stop her doing but you have control on not being reactive, like you noticed already, she will find new ways to offer you the blame and get her resentment she needs for her journey. Don't take the bait but keep your boundaries.

I would still avoid relationship talks, even they may be (or seem to be) 'sane' sometimes. That's bc it's not what MLCer wants or aims at, solving any problems with them or try to make anything that's benefiting your marriage yet they are full of pits to step in. That's what I learned the hard way, though I can't say I wasn't warned, I was but still got into it too many times. Discussion about children, when staying in that subject is good and important, the part of normality, or it should be anyway - you are still co-parents to your kids and will be in the future as well.

Still feeling all ok, mostly thinking happy and grateful thoughts of life when waking up in the morning and throughout the day . Mysterious. I cannot help wondering what boundary my mind has  crossed...  I read somewhere that happiness does not motivate a person to change their way of live.  Do tell, LOL. If I would not have gone to hell and back again and again  in vein attempts to get her to love me, and broken my heart again and again with each new revelation coming out to light, and eventually breaking my mental health when realizing she might dump me, I definitely would not have become what I now am.  I can already say that the "old me" is dead as dodo and not coming back; not sure if I want or must change any more; but somehow I doubt the universe will ask my willingness.  Whatever is coming out of me is about be fabulous, independent and strong; I can already sense it. 

You are feeling empowerment, I totally believe it will last bc you seem already found something real important: this stage in your life, this horrible situation you never asked for, has been a gift for you as well as you wouldn't probably had be in this process with YOURSELF. As long as you stay on that track and make it for your benefit (not denying anything though but accepting that this is the situation) you are a winner in the end. And she has nothing to say about it, no matter what she chooses, you still have made the best out of worst. I feel I did it quite well, I'm sure you'll do even better.

Btw I would abstain giving any gifts to her for now, though your idea was real nice.


« Last Edit: June 24, 2019, 12:19:19 AM by Silver »
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 78
  • Gender: Male
Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #47 on: June 25, 2019, 08:16:01 AM »
I started jogging a month after BD and 2 months after I started, I ran 10 km:s. Started from 1 minute, knee operated and not in good shape at all, overweight etc.

You are making me jealous.  I wish I could do 10km...  But I know, it's all about patience, time and practice (kind of funny how much it sounds like MLC).  I'd just so much would love to see it all happen much faster.  But each day I notice I can do bit more and have become more resiliant,  and possibly that is good comparison for this whole process.

What worries me most is the upcoming winter (still 3-4 months ahead).  It will become very hard, possibly impossible to jog/run outdoors (too much snow + too cold)... But maybe I'll buy myself a pair of hockey skates instead, LOL.  And there's a small local gym with some weights etc. I could go into.   So I know it's basically just a matter of will and imagination to get myself on the move. But I'm not giving up anymore...   


You are feeling empowerment....  As long as you stay on that track and make it for your benefit (not denying anything though but accepting that this is the situation) you are a winner in the end.

I wish my feelings of empowerment were adamnant, but my emotions still do shift/cycle...    For example yesterday and today have been somewhat hard, as my thoughts have been more on her and marriage than myself.  And I know it's not necessarily a good line of thinking, and as such I keep on reminding myself "hey, put focus back on myself and my NEW life situation".

It is bit surprising to acknowledge that part of me just would want to walk out of the door and say "adios", and let her deal with the MLC mess and family life all alone... Another part of me just would like to throw her out of the house (with friendly "adios"), and focus on building family life with kids but without her...  And then there's the clinger who desperately craves the old life back...  I know all these thoughts are created mostly by anxiety, (fear of) abandonment, and impatience I feel, and as such I can shrud them off somewhat easily now...  And possibly that's one part of the new me I very strongly like: I can easily tell a difference when I'm having a "feeling based desire" and "thinking/reason based desire" - and opt for and approve the latter regardless how umcomfortable it might feel right now.  Kind of amazing what you can learn when you have to.

Not so surprisingly she seems to be struggling with the escape thoughts.... Last night she was having bit of hard time with S5, and she then expressed  her frustration aloud with wish/desire to move into monestary to get peace and silence (and she was not joking of it).  That's actually something I might be in favor off , LOL.  But it is amazing how this woman who loved and adored family live now seems to resent it. 

As for gifts... I know they are NO-NO in MLC recommedations, but they are something I do more because of "myself" than for her.  In words of Tennyson: 'Tis better to have loved and lost Than never to have loved at all.'... Doing loving, even romantic acts of kindness (without expectations of any kind) is something that reminds my heart who I am, who I love, and why haven't I walked out; and maybe it helps in keeping resentment and bitterness out of my heart ... On the other hand I do recall the boundaries: they are not one-way-street.  She's not feeling the love for me, and I do my best to honor that decision. 
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Offline AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 78
  • Gender: Male
Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #48 on: June 25, 2019, 09:29:01 AM »
Oh, and while I still remember, this is something I'd like to share bc it got me thinking how lucky I and most here actually are...

Last week I met a nice gal (nice looking too, something which I would have not noted before) at local Facebook group for people going through marital issues. We started exchanging messages, and did so for several days. She was very much like my W. Same kind of personality, same kind of background etc.   But about 4 years back her long term H had given the ILYBWNLYAM talk, then affairs, momster and whole MLC script.  Eventually she had booted him out, but the process  had had heavy toll on her physical and mental health.  After divorce life had not gone well for her, as nobody had told her the importance to focus on oneself.  Instead of looking inwards she had focused on searching outward solutions.

Ever since divorce she had been desperately been looking for Prince Charming by all means possible, even in facebook groups where up-and-coming divorcing guys are easily found. She felt she needed a new male partner ASAP to make her happy and feel the love, to bring her old lifestyle and dreams back, to become father for her children, to give her freedom, to save her life... Needless to say this landed her with "not so good men", that took further advantage of the wreck she had become, and damaged her more.... And her heart was so full of resentment and anger towards her exH and new family.   

I feel so sad for her....  We here are fortunate to get guidance in form of "focus on yourself, and move on".  Life may feel and seem harsh for us, but out there are poor souls who travel a route even more difficult than us...  Though I'm not a religious person, all I can think of is the phrase "may lord have mercy on her soul".
« Last Edit: June 25, 2019, 09:41:40 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Offline AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

  • Trial Subscriber
  • Jr. Member
  • *
  • Posts: 78
  • Gender: Male
Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #49 on: June 26, 2019, 01:52:28 AM »
Just gotta lighten up the heart....

My G19 called at 8AM. Very unlike her to be up and on the move so early, so I hunched something was amiss... At first she told that her phone repair (broken glass) had been rescheduled by few weeks due to summer vacations, after a while she started telling how she's not been eating much lately, everything felt youcky and she was feeling miserable (I was thinking "oh here's comes the baby news"),  and the next thing she's telling how things are not going well with her and the boyfriend (they were pretty serious, so this was real bummer). It's been a week that they've seen or spoken besides some texts, and she's feeling so lonely in their new flat (especially when the night falls). She was even considering moving back to home...   

What's a father supposed to in times like this..? I mean we've always been close and connected, but this is the first time any of my girls has spoken this honestly and vulnerably about their love life to me.  I know G19 has  talked some stuff with W and her godmother (W's sister) in the past, but I guess something's shifted now (possibly my post-BD efforts to get even closer to kids are yilding results; possibly she's sensing that her mother is not her usual self now; possibly she's seeing that I too am vulnerable and know the pain of broken heart)...   Though I always kind of thought that I understood what the "#1 rule is to be there for your kids, they need you", the shape and form of the need totally surprised me. All these months my primary focus has been taking care of kids inhouse, but the need for the support came from my oldest who was already out of the nest. And it involved love/relationships. Talk about irony of life...

I so much wanted to cry out that I know precisely what it feels like within (especially the nights when you are feeling lonely), but I just pushed emotions aside and allowed the reason/mind do all the talking.

That love/loving is easy, but relationships can be very diffucult at times. 

That sometimes it takes space, and lots of time (not just hours, days, weeks; but but months, years and decades) to fix things, and sometimes even all of it isn't enough - and in the meantime the best you can do is focus on yourself and wellbeing both physically and mentally, and move on.

That anxiety and worrying leads to nowhere but personal misery. That you can change only yourself, not others - and she should worry and work only that stuff she truly can change/influence. And worrying of the past/future events causes nothing but heartache; the real power is with the present moment and actions.

That sometimes getting out of the house is best thing to do (her godmother had given the same advice - she's been through way too many breakups). I asked G19 to join our family trip (me + kids going away to meet my family for 2-3 weeks; a summer tradition of ours for the past 15 years-  kind of maintenance/holiday for the W), and she preliminary got excited by it and agreed to join us for one week.

If the whole situation was odd and new, even more odd was that W was awake and listening to our talk in neighboring room, and she provided zero comments.   Not sure if all of was indifferent to her, or was she too keeping some kind of pokerface...   These are mysterious times.

I kind of feel that some "dad-part" within me grew inches taller... I've had the first "serious" relationship talk with my kids.  I did not fail it. Idid not need my W to guide me.
« Last Edit: June 26, 2019, 02:08:27 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

 

SMF spam blocked by CleanTalk
Legal Disclaimer

The information contained within The Hero's Spouse website family (www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com, http://theherosspouse.com and associated subdomains), (collectively 'website') is provided as general information and is not intended to be a substitute for professional legal, medical or mental health advice or treatment for specific medical conditions. The Hero's Spouse cannot be held responsible for the use of the information provided. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a trained medical or mental health professional before making any decision regarding treatment of yourself or others. The Hero's Spouse recommends that you consult a legal professional for specific legal advice.

Any information, stories, examples, articles, or testimonials on this website do not constitute a guarantee, or prediction regarding the outcome of an individual situation. Reading and/or posting at this website does not constitute a professional relationship between you and the website author, volunteer moderators or mentors or other community members. The moderators and mentors are peer-volunteers, and not functioning in a professional capacity and are therefore offering support and advice based solely upon their own experience and not upon legal, medical, or mental health training.