Author Topic: My Story New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?  (Read 2506 times)

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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My Story Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #70 on: July 02, 2019, 12:39:35 PM »
.... but (as I'm sure you've noticed) you are not in a normal relationship anymore.

Granted.... The further this goes on, the more this is beginning to feel some eerie episode of Twilight Zone / Outer Limits.

Possibly latest example of this relates to my vacation with kids...  I got flirted... Not sure if it's been happening all these years and I'm only now beginning to see things like these.  Not sure if something's changed within me to extend it's becoming visible to outsiders. Not sure if it's somethign else...  But I got flirted!!! And it did feel good.  Confusing and shamefull, but still good. Somebody (IMHO cute) showed a pinch of attraction/interest towards me...  After these hideous months it felt like breathe of fresh air, something my self-esteem truly needed.

I'm very clearly beginning to understand why divorce rates are  generally speaking so high.  It's not just the MLCs than can do "bad decisions", same goes with their LBS if they fail to keep mindfull mindset and let their feelings/emotions push them onwards.
« Last Edit: July 02, 2019, 12:42:33 PM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #71 on: July 04, 2019, 01:05:36 PM »
Another few days gone on "vacation from W".

Lots of fun with kids.  S5 with his child-like observations & behaviour has been endless source of fun.  G12 and G14 are behaving precisely the way sisters of that are age are supposed to (loving/killing each other).   G19 received acknowledgement of being accepted to school and will start her 4 year studies next autumn... We've been sightseeing,  shopping around, swimming,  walking around etc. spending time together.  In addition of trying to be the "super dad of the year" I've also tried to include some "me alone" time with walks, jogging and reading this forum (LOL).
 
Don't ask me why, but I had to heat 3 balls of "carrot cake" ice cream today.  The old me would have loved it, but now I struggled with it all.  It was just too much and I felt both sick and fatigue afterwards.  I guess I'm still having some level of LBS diet, though I'm now eating way more normally than few months back.

Sadly seeing my family has not been so fun as I hoped.  Or it's been nice meeting and seeing each other, but I guess these months have changed me way more deeply than I believed.  I've known for decades that my FOO dynamics are pretty dysfunctional, but now all of it is sticking out like sore thumb. And the white elephant in middle of it all is status of my relationship -  there's zero talk of W unless I or kids start the topic...  But I'm taking this as a lesson: observe and learn, and then work out my own behaviour.  Oh how this MLC/LBS thing just keeps on giving.
« Last Edit: July 04, 2019, 01:11:02 PM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Offline Thunder

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #72 on: July 05, 2019, 07:01:20 AM »
I'm glad you enjoyed your time with the kids.  It's always nice to get away from the MLCer for awhile.   :)

Oh and I wanted to add.  I remember the first time some guy flirted with me, I had to turn around thinking he must be talking to someone else.  Ha ha

But yes, I did my ego good.  Plus he was quite a bit younger than me and good looking.   ;D
« Last Edit: July 05, 2019, 07:04:24 AM by Thunder »
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #73 on: July 10, 2019, 09:40:19 AM »
It's somewhat amazing how quickly a week has passed. Time is definitely taking back it's original speed, and it is feeling confusing. Where did those long crawling days and nights go (and will they return)?

I'm still on vacation trip with kids. Likely will continue for another week, so W will get roughly 3 week break from me and kids ( and vice versa). Not much communication with W all this time, just me  sending daily good morning+night WhatsUp messages with images of kids (to which she shortly replies), and rest happens through joined family groups where I post daily photos and updates for all family members to see. We've had only one talk all this time, and I kept it very short and strictly business  (in past I phoned her at least daily and even wrote love letters when away longer periods). She did sound bit amazed when after few minutes I simply said 'thats all, take care, bye'.... She has iniated zero talks or messages on anything my way, so I think I'll experiment next week on  zero contact to see if she does anything.  I have no expectations.

The white elephant in the room has moved a bit. My father told how there are married couples living separately at his retirement center. I guess he's trying to hint that if life ever advances to such situation that me and W cannot live together, then physical separation would be preferred option over divorce.

I took advantage of city life, dumped kids to my brother for one evening and went to local marital support group meeting. It was very unlike anything I imagined or have seen. Basically a bunch of guys and gals at various stages of marital issues and divorce hanging out over coffee/tea and networking openly with each other. I ended up spending over four hours with divorced female LBS of same age.  Besides my W I've never spoken so openly and deeply of my life and lessons learned, and we had blast of a night getting to know each others life. There was definitely chemistry (but no physical attraction) on both sides, but both of us also acknowledged  timing/situation was all wrong for taking things any further. But I fear I will always cherish her final words "you are one amazingly perfect man".  They reminded of a time I told my W she would be an utter fool to push me to through hell to become even better man than I am and then let some other woman ripe the results. I guess that is the edge I am standing.

I have spent few nights with broken sleep as I've been thinking could I break my family if I met somebody else. For now the answer is resounding no. But I would be lying if I did not admit I was very tempted to ask this gal's email/phone number just in case.

It's amazing how I am in very different spot than I ever would have thought, not to say 4+ months back. But I guess this is part of life's journey, and it is shaping up my thoughts and me in new and unexpected  ways.

Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #74 on: July 11, 2019, 07:04:23 AM »
It's been rainy and cold today, but I still headed out for a long walk. Not so much for fun, but simply because I felt the need to have some quiet alone time. For some reason I decided to play through songs which have helped me through various stages of this LBS crisis. Needless to say it became rather teary walk as I listened and re-lived/experienced through all the big emotions I've gone through in these 19 weeks. And then when I realized how much I have actually progressed in such a short time (that at one point felt like eternity), I cried some more.   

These are all songs I've listened likely hundreds of times.. Maybe these will help another LBS, maybe it just gives a reflection of the person I am..  Here's "the soundtrack of my LBS" so far.

Nightwish - Ghost love score (this was how I experienced her, me, us. and the BD)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYjIlHWBAVo

Mark Ronson ft Miley Cyrus: Nothing breaks like a heart  (I played this on repeat for weeks, trying to prove my love, trying to fix what was not mine to fix. Letting my heart break and fall apart time and again  )
https://youtu.be/qtwot6j83V8

Jewel - Foolish Games (beginning to understand she really no more cares how I feel; and breaking the chains from my heart)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UNoouLa7uxA

Madonna: Nothing really matters (admitting my own part in crisis, and owning consequences of my actions)
https://youtu.be/cAVx9RKaLPU

Madonna: Frozen (acknowledging that I cannot change what she has become; it is her job )
https://youtu.be/XS088Opj9o0

Scooter: Devil Drums  (possibly my favorite song to run - it still feels like standing in gates of hell, listening war drums, and then just running in for battle. In the beginning it was all about letting anxiety/anger out, now it's just got the right rhytm for running)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=isoK1AmTAek
 
Anastacia: Left outside alone (for that tiny bit of resentment I have - I so much want all of it out, because I believe in forgiveness and compassion)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uzR5jM9UeJA 

Madonna: Power of goodbye (letting go, detaching)
https://youtu.be/NHydngA5C4E

Katie Perry: Fireworks (the brave new me emerging)
https://youtu.be/QGJuMBdaqIw

To be honest, I feel both lost and found.

This definitely is not the abyss I spent the initial months after BD.

And this surely no longer  feels like being stuck in limbo.  I am owning my life back from this behemoth.   I am making decisions, and carrying (and even enjoying) the consequences. 

But this does not feel like my (old) life neither... So where I'm at?
 
Not even sure if I want to know. It did take me a long time to understand why longtimers here keep on repeating "life will take both of you where you need to be". I am getting to appreciate and understand the meaning of life unravelling instead of me trying to fix or predict it.  That's yet another valuable life lesson learned.  This MLC/LBS thingie just keeps on giving...
« Last Edit: July 11, 2019, 07:22:05 AM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Offline In the valley

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #75 on: July 11, 2019, 03:09:31 PM »
Just noticed your story and wanted to follow along.  I found it easy to lose weight in the beginning because I simply couldn't eat.  I've put a few lbs back recently that I need to take off.  Anyway good for you! Keeping healthy habits will really help you deal with the intense stress.
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Offline Silver

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #76 on: July 11, 2019, 10:21:26 PM »

To be honest, I feel both lost and found.

This definitely is not the abyss I spent the initial months after BD.

And this surely no longer  feels like being stuck in limbo.  I am owning my life back from this behemoth.   I am making decisions, and carrying (and even enjoying) the consequences. 

But this does not feel like my (old) life neither... So where I'm at?
 
Not even sure if I want to know. It did take me a long time to understand why longtimers here keep on repeating "life will take both of you where you need to be". I am getting to appreciate and understand the meaning of life unravelling instead of me trying to fix or predict it.  That's yet another valuable life lesson learned.  This MLC/LBS thingie just keeps on giving...

Lost because your old life has ended, against your will and found because you started your own process which aims at healing and recovering and gives you the best change in your life to grow and become the person you want to be. Something like that probably, sounds familiar and imho that's exactly where you should be at this moment. Take all the time you need, note every good aspect in this, because there are a lot, despite of all the pain. Accepting what has happened (don't mean that you should accept what she has done but that it happened) frees much energy to your own process. Be aware that getting involved now in new relationship may not be any good for your healing. I did that with XW, we both were divorced from our previous marriages just couple of months ago and we rushed to new R with each other, moved together very soon etc. It's very easy to see now hindsight how bad it was to both of us individually and how much burden it caused to our relationship at the beginning, even though that R lasted 12 years and gave us 2 wonderful kids etc.

My opinion is, do your job with yourself first, you will thank yourself later for that.



« Last Edit: July 11, 2019, 10:23:37 PM by Silver »
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #77 on: July 12, 2019, 01:06:42 AM »
Just noticed your story and wanted to follow along.  I found it easy to lose weight in the beginning because I simply couldn't eat.  I've put a few lbs back recently that I need to take off.  Anyway good for you! Keeping healthy habits will really help you deal with the intense stress.

For better or worse my appetite seems to be coming back (or maybe it's just because of this vacation). But it's different. For example I used to love chocolate, now zero desire. I acknowledge it will take some struggle to keep weight loss going, but compared to MLC/LBS it should be a walk in the park  ;D


Lost because your old life has ended, against your will and found because you started your own process which aims at healing and recovering and gives you the best change in your life to grow and become the person you want to be. Something like that probably, sounds familiar and imho that's exactly where you should be at this moment. Take all the time you need, note every good aspect in this, because there are a lot, despite of all the pain. Accepting what has happened (don't mean that you should accept what she has done but that it happened) frees much energy to your own process. Be aware that getting involved now in new relationship may not be any good for your healing. I did that with XW, we both were divorced from our previous marriages just couple of months ago and we rushed to new R with each other, moved together very soon etc. It's very easy to see now hindsight how bad it was to both of us individually and how much burden it caused to our relationship at the beginning, even though that R lasted 12 years and gave us 2 wonderful kids etc.

My opinion is, do your job with yourself first, you will thank yourself later for that.


So this is another kind of waiting room (with all sorts of me stuff to play with) or first baby steps of brave new life....maybe I should call this my midlife transition. Somehow naming things gives great power in making them less abstract and easier to handle.

Right now kids, especially S5, are my rock in middle of this insanity. Every time S5 goes explaining some family related stuff with childlike enthusiasm, I know this family is not to be broken (at least by me). Some things in life are worthy of very great personal sacrifices. What's my own happiness compared to his? Absolutely nothing IMHO.

Speaking of S5, yesterday he caused the white elephant to move again (giving me something to chuckle internally)... S5 was outdoors playing and making some new friends. Then my brother started talking "are those all girls around him? At that age it is still so easy to make new friendships with..."  And then he switched topic on the fly. But I know he was going to say "opposite sex/girls".... For some reason that part of future worries me the least.
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #78 on: July 13, 2019, 02:15:45 PM »
Another curious day behind...

I've been feeling empowered whole day. I'm talking the kind of stuff that makes one feel physically taller, puts head high and flirty "winner" smile on face. Apparently it shows outside, as I received some smiles back when shopping some groceries, LOL. Bizarre how small acts of random kindness (like smiles) from total strangers can feel so good. Anyway, this can be filed under "exceptionally happy day".

I think, feel, something new and big is coming out (again) of me. Likely my recent looking  backs relate to this one way or another. But tbh, I have no clues what's brewing.

I've been pondering whether or not to talk the situation in more detail with my W's parents once we get back home. I know /fear my W has not talked to them at all (unless in these weeks,but I find it unlikely). And I know it's really not my territory to do (it's fixing all right)...but part of me thinks they should know more to be there for their grandkids when/if required.  But how much to tell? In the end I don't want them itoo deep nto this web too...
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Online AlvinTheMakerTopic starter

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Re: New guy - wife having MLC or just resentment?
« Reply #79 on: July 15, 2019, 06:13:17 AM »
Possibly interesting, possibly not, but at least a proof W is still observing me/my life on some level.

We were WhatsUpping messages on clothes to buy for the kids, and I wrote how hard it is for me to disappoint kids with limits I keep up just for her sake (to have somewhat uniform boundaries on parenting), and W replied me with " know the rules well, so you can break them effectively, a bit of Dalai Lama advice for you. It applies here as well."

And my initial response to her was laughing emoji. She knows ever since BD I've been very much into Buddhism (and as such I know this is yet another quote falsely attributed to Dalai Lama).

Later I decided to follow the advice given, and broke the no R talks rule (I know, I know....). So I sent her a WhatsUp message stating:

"Seriously speaking that quote is one thing I've tried to learn in these months...But we can discuss this some day in more detail if you ever again become interested or willing to speak to me again. Untill then I respect your boundaries of not wanting R /deep talks with me and not allowing me into your life. Both your decisions, and only you can undo them. I am now focusing on me and live my life as if you are not taking me back...you know where to find me if you want to talk some day. Regardless of what happens in future, I hope I will never have to disappoint or hurt you (intentionally or not).  Live long & prosper."

Tough love....whether or not she likes, I am changing  the game and rules. What's the worst she can do? Divorce me? The old relationship died at BD, and there's zero chance of new one  unless things become uncomfortable enough for her to look inwards (and it will likely take damn more than this message).. Not my thing to save her, but not my thing to enable current escape of reality neither.
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19 Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 20-25) - a low energy live-in wallower
BD: Feb 2019
G19,G18,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 265 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

 

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