Author Topic: My Story Reconnecting Sometimes Darkness Can Show You The Light  (Read 2552 times)

Offline Songanddance

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My Story Reconnecting Re: Sometimes Darkness Can Show You The Light
« Reply #30 on: May 30, 2019, 03:43:26 AM »
I know that feeling of helplessness and hopelessness as a parent when your child is being bullied...

My second D has a history of depression and it started when she was about 9 and I discovered she had been bullied on and off for some time. Your heart breaks when you hear your little girl sitting on the stairs saying that " she is worthless and useless"

How can this happen to a child and why had the school not picked it up.  Well I too became a mama bear and as a teacher knew exactly what the law and what schools should do. The then head was utterly useless and only acted when we threatened legal action.  The bully's parents were devastated and by the time my D left primary school things had calmed down.

But the high school with an equally ineffective headteacher completely ignored my request to separate the two in classes and form groups and it took another 4 years of arguing and action.  Eventually my D dealt with it in the way H had advised and I urged her not to  but it worked. I cannot condone it but when my D was blocked into the toilet cubicle with this girl taunting and poking her (watched by an army of cowards) D turned and punched the living daylights out of this girl.   

The school suspended D for a couple of days and then suspended the other girl for weeks.   My D was never bothered by her again and sad to say the girl herself was eventually expelled for turning on a teacher. 

All I could say to the school (by this time a new and very supportive head teacher) was "I told you so" and I still have the many many letters I sent and minutes I took of the meetings because I don't want to ever forget what we had to do.

Sadder still - my daughter still has depression and attachment issues. On a good note though she is a fabulous mother to my GD and is doing her utmost to ensure that her D carries no baggage and learns how to be assertive and able to set boundaries.

So that level of darkness showed us the light.

Don't give in  SF and be guarded and watchful at all times.  Schools need to take responsibility when in loco parentis and some of them so easily avoid doing so.
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Rising Phoenix

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Re: Sometimes Darkness Can Show You The Light
« Reply #31 on: May 30, 2019, 04:24:36 AM »
Sf I’m so glad you are on the schools back side and sought help for s16 ASAP. I also have a suicidal s16 who also has high functioning aspergers. It is an extreme worry but it sure puts things into perspective and we mama bears pull all our strength right up for our children. I’m glad your son has support from your work colleagues and is feeling a bit better.

My son is in counselling and on medication. I am so vigilant as you are. God help me if the police stop me as they will find all kitchen knives and razors and all medication from the house in the boot of my car.

One thing that has helped my son is I enrolled him in the local army cadets. Is there any cadets of any sort near you? Army, police, air or sea cadets? I explained to the sergeant my sons issues and they have been fantastic. He received  his official army no and uniform last week and they don’t pressure to join the army later which is good as my son wishes to go into the medical field. I feel his discussion in his future job is a positive.

Hope your sons is on the road to recovery although as we know it can be a slow process xx
« Last Edit: May 30, 2019, 04:25:44 AM by Rising Phoenix »
Me 51
H52
Married still, 22yrs
Together 30yrs
BD 20/10/2014
Left first 12/12/2014
10 come backs and leaves again for same ow
Last left 7.03.17.
Ow 16 yrs younger, no children never been married. co worker. EA turned to PA and lives with ow
Divorce bomb drop by him 31/8/17 by solicitor letter after being caught by ow at lunch with me 3 wk earlier. Not yet finalised.
Crazy divorce started by him.
Clinging boomerang for 3 yrs now Vanisher but  twice a yr pops his head up. ow has balls in a vice!

Offline Slow FadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Sometimes Darkness Can Show You The Light
« Reply #32 on: May 30, 2019, 08:27:52 AM »
Thank you Learning, InIt, S&D and RP.

I think we have the train on the tracks and it is moving.

Quote
Eventually my D dealt with it in the way H had advised and I urged her not to  but it worked
I get it. My H has encouraged S16 to do this as well considering S16 is 6'1 and 175 pounds, however S16 is afraid that this bully has some kind of weapons in his backpack. Hmmmmm. May need to get the safety officer involved at some point........

Quote
My son is in counselling and on medication. I am so vigilant as you are. God help me if the police stop me as they will find all kitchen knives and razors and all medication from the house in the boot of my car.
This made me giggle as I have hidden my medication as well! My gun went with his father. I don't think S16 would use a knife but you never know. I discovered he had stopped talking his ADD medication, which the doctor said was ok to do, but I grabbed those half full prescriptions and hid them as well just in case. Sucks that we have to do this........ :(

RP we don't have any type of program like that. That is why I'm having him ride along with our fire guys. He gets a taste of the discipline and camaraderie that goes along with a career field hes interested in and also gets a lot of male bonding. Its been good for him.

Surprisingly  H has been the top dog in this fight. He has called the bullly's parents and has talked with the school and I've kind of had to hold him back a bit.  :o
Nice to see him acting like a father again. Its been a while.......

He just passed his drivers exam after a 4th try (the people in the DMV were looking at me like I was crazy as I screamed and jumped up and down when they said he passed!  ;D) and has a doctors appointment to discuss any physical issues or testing for imbalances that may need to be done.

I'm waiting for a call from the school to see when I can go and pick up S16's study guides for his end of year exams.  One day at at time.......
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Milly

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Re: Sometimes Darkness Can Show You The Light
« Reply #33 on: May 30, 2019, 01:28:40 PM »
Slow, just catching up. You have done everything you could and more to help your S16. I'm very impressed with all you've done since your son's post on facebook, including rallying your work colleagues. Your poor boy being bullied on top of everything else. My S was bullied at middle school and at the end of the second year told me he wasn't going back in September. I had to move him to another school because I knew he meant it. He was so much happier in the new school. You did so well to pull him from his school. I don't understand how with all the supposed non tolerance to bullies nowadays, bullies still get to have a pretty unchallenged life.

My oldest D has threatened suicide a couple of times to me on the phone, and I do take it seriously, as you do. I do feel that often our kids' depression, which leads them to want to hurt themselves, might be caused by stress and a sense of loss of control and one more thing to bear which then becomes the final straw. So well done for pulling him from that school immediately. I bet he is so grateful.
Big hugs to you and your boy.xxx
Married 1989, together since 1984 
BD May 2014,
D25, D22, S15
OW Physical Affair same one. He and she said she turned 34 the month of BD. She turned 52 this year.

Offline Slow FadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Sometimes Darkness Can Show You The Light
« Reply #34 on: May 30, 2019, 01:57:12 PM »
Aw thank you Milly.

I was amazed that for all the posters on the wall of the school, the positive affirmation notes on people's lockers, the assemblies, the programs, the talks that they have about bullying, when someone comes to them with a bullying issue you kind of get a "deer in the headlight" look.

Its like they talk the talk, but don't know how to walk the walk!  :P
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Slow FadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Sometimes Darkness Can Show You The Light
« Reply #35 on: July 25, 2019, 09:44:35 AM »
So S16 is in counseling but he always wants me to sit in on it. Oh boy, does this child have some anger towards his Father!  :o :o He is using the anger as a blanket so that his Father can't hurt him again. We have had many tears and things are coming out that are HUGE triggers for me. Things I didn't know about the affair....... :P

While he is working on S16, I'm learning how to cope as well just by being in the room listening. He is working on anger and how anger is usually fear based and is used for protection. Interesting. S16 is supposed to keep a log every time his anger is triggered and look at why and what purpose it is serving etc. The counselor wants him to perhaps write a letter to his Father telling him about how he was hurt and what triggers him. Soooooo, I decided to do the same thing......Oh boy.

I asked H to address the following:

1. It triggers me that you don't want to renew your vows
2. It triggers me that you won't acknowledge me as your wife in public
3. It triggers me that you don't hold my hand, or give me a hug or a kiss unless I ask for it
4. It triggers me that you don't talk about our future.

This is really putting the target on the elephant in the room that we've had (I've had  :P ) since we got back together.

I got crickets...........then I got "Well I'll have to think about it so I can formulate a response that you will understand." I was like  ??? ??? ???

Now I'm wondering if we even have a future...... :(
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline Mortesbride

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Re: Sometimes Darkness Can Show You The Light
« Reply #36 on: July 25, 2019, 09:48:04 AM »
Those all sound like acknowledgement of a future together.

Different examples but all the same thing. No wonder you are upset by it.

Sorry I don't have any advice for you, but I completely understand why you are hurt. I hope he comes up with something ''you will understand''.  :o ::)
You know this is MLC when you have played emotional hot potato with a pair of crotch-less tights.

Offline Songanddance

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Re: Sometimes Darkness Can Show You The Light
« Reply #37 on: July 25, 2019, 10:28:14 AM »
Quote
.then I got "Well I'll have to think about it so I can formulate a response that you will understand.

He may not understand the concept of being triggered.

He possibly wants to sweep under the carpet and thinking just as my H said several months ago - I'm not able to make a the kind of commitment to us that you might be looking for.

Reconnection is a really long process; I had under-estimated how long. We've been in reconnection 2 years now and it's only been baby steps. 

I'm not surprised that S16 is expressing his anger and there will be more to come. Been there with my S22 and it's really tough.  However listening is the best thing to do - not fix or offer thoughts as I tried to but listen and just keep telling him that you love him no matter what he thinks or says in anger. It's also great that he has a counsellor he is prepared to talk to.  It took me three years to find someone for S; useful but very very very expensive.....
BD march 2013
Stay at home MLCer
OW for 3.5 years - finishing Autumn 2016
Reconnection started 2017 through 2018.
2019 is the year of Decisions!

Offline Slow FadeTopic starterTopic starter

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Re: Sometimes Darkness Can Show You The Light
« Reply #38 on: July 25, 2019, 11:03:11 AM »
Thank you Mortesbride and S&D.....

Quote
Those all sound like acknowledgement of a future together.
I agree and that's all I want. I've waited long enough for him to give me that reassurance and now I'm going to poke the bear.

Quote
He possibly wants to sweep under the carpet and thinking just as my H said several months ago - I'm not able to make a the kind of commitment to us that you might be looking for.
Yes, I could see him saying this. But what does that even mean? That he could up and leave at any time? Do I really want to live under that question mark? I don't know......

Quote
Reconnection is a really long process; I had under-estimated how long. We've been in reconnection 2 years now and it's only been baby steps.
  We are going on 4 years.........7 years since BD. I hate MLC.........
Married 18
BD April 2012
Left home Nov 2012
Home May 2016

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Sometimes Darkness Can Show You The Light
« Reply #39 on: July 25, 2019, 11:15:50 AM »
Still no acknowledgement after so many years. That seems to be a "pattern" as well in some who are reconnecting. Makes me wonder if there isn't some area in their brain that has been permanently damaged.

You know though, I see in my friends who are married, not all, but some, that their needs are not being met, that they are lonely, that their spouses don't communicate with them as they wish...sometimes it might be to my advantage to be alone.

I am sorry your son is having so much difficulty. My daughter absolutely refuses to share with me anything about how she feels about her dad.

I was just reading the news and one of the teens in Canada who the police are looking for in connection with the deaths of 3 people, his dad stated that his son is on a suicide mission..that he has been in pain since his parents divorced and he wants the pain to stop.

My mind went to, so dad whose son is in so much pain...who initiated the divorce?

I feel sad slowfade for you and your son and actually for your husband who cannot enter into a real relationship it seems with anyone.
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

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