Author Topic: My Story BURNING MAN 9  (Read 2518 times)

Offline UrsaMajor

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My Story Re: BURNING MAN 9
« Reply #10 on: May 28, 2019, 01:28:10 AM »
So I know I'm frustrated with her and this nonsense. She is doing nothing to keep me interested.

So, why are you? What are you getting out of it (besides access to the boys)? How does this repeating cycle/irritation/nonsense serve you?

Why DID you remove your clothes from her room? Sending a message? Everything dirty and in the Laundry? Would it have made a difference where they were to you? It obviously did mean something for her...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
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BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

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Offline Ready2Transform

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Re: BURNING MAN 9
« Reply #11 on: May 28, 2019, 07:27:47 AM »
You see her lowering into a depressive episode and distancing, so you poke the beast to keep her in pursuit. This isn't how someone individually OR a relationship becomes stable.

Is she actually in therapy? What kinds of meds is she on? Because if she were in the kind of care she needs, she'd be on a mood stabilizer.

Until that point, you can't have a reasonable expectation of a normal relationship where she shows up present, ready to work on things. It's just unrealistic, and that's whether it's bipolar OR MLC (or both). Even with what you know about limerence, the period of tapering out of it is not going to happen suddenly or sanely. Back when I was on Joe Beam's FB group, there were people paying him for the program who were trying to recover from limerence and still babbling about their OP nonstop. It was crazy! And not even paying for a program to get over it could get them over it.

So this is the marathon, not the sprint. Her war is with herself, but she will project and triangulate, and THAT is where boundaries come in. But get on top of it. You are a bit of a parent to her now. She's not just going to be money smart when she never has been. She's not just going to have her $h!te together when she never has.

And put yourself in the front seat of that car no matter who is used to riding there. You're the man that pays the mortgage. I can't believe I'm saying this, LOL, but it's time to 'alpha up' a little and control what you CAN control (ie yourself and your position and not her and her progress). I know you know these things, but you seem to be riding the rollercoaster instead of steering the ship.

When she says things about trips and expensive things she wants, instead of just letting it roll, since your end goal is a united household, why not ask a question or make a declarative that inspires responsibility or accountability? Her: "I'm going to Puerto Rico with my friend," You: "Great! You must be saving up." or "Does that fit into the budget you're aiming to for?". You're getting monster anyway, but there are spaces where you can lay subliminal words about what YOU want (fiscal security, stability, etc) and "work with" the bipolar brain. I wish you didn't have to, but I can actually look back on the years my marriage was together pre-MLC and see where I subtly did this at times when he was getting ready for a big expensive leap.
"Unconditional love is the highest of high standards, and while we are letting go of our need to control the process of anyone else, we are taking within our lives complete accountability for our own experience."

http://seriousvanity.com/how-to-cultivate-unconditional-love-and-change-the-world/

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: BURNING MAN 9
« Reply #12 on: May 28, 2019, 08:23:46 AM »
Hi UrsaMajor, Ready2Transform.

As far as I know she is in no realistic therapy. I don't count online people. Yes she gave me the name of her psychiatrist. I looked her up and she is a legit psychiatrist. However, they don't meet in person, therefore its bogus IMO. Unless I'm wrong for thinking that way. I didn't know they did online or phone therapy. I don't believe it.

Yes as Thunder pointed it out to me I need to drop the OM situation and let it go already. It's not always easy to see her stupidity on display.

I let her dictate the 3 day weekend with promises of we were going here and there and we went nowhere which is her modus operandi.

I have to start getting back to my routine and making plans for just the 2 boys. Yes I had to hear how I was the crazy one this morning with my accusations and my clothes are going back in her closet. Then she said make sure you don't come back here and take your clothes with you.

She already texted me about a college application, driving school and a high school issue. Take care of it Watcher.  See you tonight. LOL...

I told her I'm working.

So then I proceed forward treating her as my 3rd child. Yes I need to get off the rollercoaster ride. Do we really believe she is ever going to get realistic help ? Yes I admit I am a little impatient with her.

I have to get the program down all over again. I get blitzed by mania after so much time in NC and I usually don't see the depression because she sicks the cops on me to get me to disappear. I'm never here for this part.

Ok I already finished the gym this morning so I will try to correct myself and get off the ride.  ;D You did make me laugh Ready2Transform. I will try to find my alpha.  ;D

Thank you


Offline Wonder no more

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Re: BURNING MAN 9
« Reply #13 on: May 28, 2019, 08:27:36 AM »
Great advise from Ready.  It's about telling the truth, laying out some truth darts not trying to poke the monster.  Remember, truth darts are short truthful statements never a lecture.  You let your emotions about OM get to you.  It is understandable but won't serve you, right now, in dealing with her.  There is nothing wrong in asking her how she going to pay for something when she is dreaming of a trip, or hair and makeup, etc. Sometimes I think the LBS coddles the MLCer too much.  It's not about making her feel bad about what she is done, it more about trying to let her see that her current words are not matching up with her actions.   If she wants your marriage to work, what is she doing about it?  Is she getting help?  Is she paying down her debt. or is she driving around and around spending money on gas, outings, restaurants, etc.  You are going to need a lot of patience and hopefully she will eventually get professional help to start moving in the right direction.

Offline Thunder

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Re: BURNING MAN 9
« Reply #14 on: May 28, 2019, 09:30:42 AM »
Watcher,

I think I see what she is doing.  She's PO'd you called her out on her BS over Memorial Day (and om) so she is going to lash out and start bullying and controlling you for it.  She doesn't like being told she was wrong.  Just like a willful teenager.  She's just stomping her feet and trying to look all scary.   ;D

You can't and better not take your clothes home!   :o
You better deal with school, driving lessons and a college app.!? 

Watcher, if I were you I would calmly not allow her bullying. I would just ignore it all and let it blow over.
Take your clothes home, but leave a few things you need there.  You have not decided to live there, why do you NEED your clothes in her closet?  Be the alpha..LOL!!!   ;D

Anything that involves you paying for it, ignore.  You already told her you are no longer paying for private school, or college.  She is just baiting you and it's all pushing for a big argument.  Don't fall for it.

It might be a good idea to go home after work, tell her goodnight dear, and turn your phone off.

Hopefully it will all blow over when she sees you are not going to allow her to control you with her temper tantrum.

Have a good day, Watcher.    :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: BURNING MAN 9
« Reply #15 on: May 28, 2019, 11:15:58 AM »
Hi WonderNoMore, Thunder.

Yes she was kissing up to me last night but she came out swinging this morning. She is mad about calling her out. OM has always been the hot button issue. Yes and its beyond stupid already. I should know better.

We are not talking about a lot of clothes. They have been gradually building since we started talking in April. I threw out all my bedroom furniture in March 2018 when she asked me to leave for the 500th time.

So she has given me her armoire and 2 drawers.   ;D She complains all the time that she is lacking space for herself however she is adamant that my clothes are going nowhere.  ::)

I'm working late this week so we will not see each other until Thursday night for graduation Mass. My sister says I need to set a boundary for work calls. Just block her while I'm at work. I don't call W while she is at work and she pretty much has no respect for my job because I don't work in an office.

Irregardless these MLCer always want you at their beck and call. How many times I hear about why did I not pick up the phone.

That's exactly what she is doing with throwing a tantrum. She now even adds how she shows her GF the texts and they are just astonished. My text was hey when are you going to seek professional help already. You said you were working on our marriage LOL....

We still have a stupid standoff over toilet paper. She wants the 24 pack from the wholesale club. I said good, go buy it. If I buy 2 or 3 rolls  I get the lecture. At the moment there is no toilet paper. She is annoying. Sorry but the boys do need toilet paper.

She wanted to watch TV last night and I declined. We do watch alot of TV now. I left and said good night.

There are no paper products in that house. No paper towels, no napkins. It's so annoying.

Yes someone told her about our Alma Mater  and how S19 will get a scholarship with half off tuition because both his parents went there. Yea I will believe it when I see it.

Yes this morning she told me not to come back to the house because my retort is always why can't so and so help you with bills. Problem is she can no longer afford to get rid of me. There will be no more NC.

So within an hour she was texting me things to do for S19. Yes she is definitely a handful at times. You don't need much patience in NC. I guess I have to learn how to handle contact

Enjoy your day
Thank you

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: BURNING MAN 9
« Reply #16 on: May 28, 2019, 01:05:30 PM »
I scheduled a 5K for Sunday. Of course it's in the rain. I really no longer care about the bad weather. This is 2019 race #10 so I'm still ahead of last years pace. This particular run is a repeat of last year and it was #3 then.

I have runs scheduled for June 13th and June 15th thus far. Both are repeats of last year. I'm looking at June 22nd and June 27th which would be new this year. So I'm mapping out June as I found no concert for the month that I liked.

Right now it looks like June will be 5K month. I don't see anything bigger at the moment. I found a 8K. I still have time to explore. I found 3 evening races as it's that time of year with the nice weather. 5K gives me a chance to run fast and push myself a bit.

I still have the concert this Friday and 1 in July so far. I don't really see anything else at the moment I like other than adding Chris Stapleton in August.

 ;D

That's an old time post.  ;D
 

Offline Thunder

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Re: BURNING MAN 9
« Reply #17 on: May 28, 2019, 02:01:43 PM »
Watcher there is always the half Marathon on Jul 4th on the Mississippi River in Downtown Minneapolis, on Boom Island...by the stone arch bridge.

It's always a lot of fun.....and no snow.   ;D ;D
Bet your sons would love it here!

Just a thought. 
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline KeepItTogether

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Re: BURNING MAN 9
« Reply #18 on: May 28, 2019, 03:38:04 PM »

Yes someone told her about our Alma Mater  and how S19 will get a scholarship with half off tuition because both his parents went there. Yea I will believe it when I see it.


What does S19 want to do? And if there is such a scholarship, it still needs to be applied for.  These things do not happen magically.

Anyway, you seem to have much on your plate these days. I like that you are taking a step back and doing the things you enjoy again. I think that is important for both you and your boys.
Me 47
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H Moved out 6/16
OW--yes. Worked for H. EA turned into PA while I was in chemo. On again/off again like every high school romance

Offline WatcherTopic starter

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Re: BURNING MAN 9
« Reply #19 on: May 28, 2019, 08:14:29 PM »
Hi Thunder, KIT.

I will have to look into that one Thunder.  :)

KIT she is a big talker always with the plans. Yes an application needs to be submitted. We are only entering June.  ::) This should have been done last Fall. Anyway there is only pressure on W. S19 has made no movement himself towards college, then again he has had no guidance.

Yes I have to take a step back and she helped by going into depression. So now she needs a break from me. The mania would have been like last November but her pesky parents through a wrench in her plans.

The 1st 2 weeks together in April indicated she would not be home. So she immediately threw her mania into her children when the parents departed April 15th. Kind of strange how that happened.

So we never have had her parents removed from her crisis. So she is still in crisis however 2 of her biggest enablers are gone. No communication that I know of. I do know they have not contacted their grandkids at all. So I believe its severed.

She called me Perseus again the other day however she is full of BS at times.  ::) She always references some email where I exposed her mom.

So this was definitely not like last November when we ran around to numerous hotels to mostly sleep and ran around for 27 days. So I learned from that encounter. Stop wasting money on hotels especially if your just sleeping.  ::)

This time around we went out way to much to eat. So that has finally been curbed. No more going out to eat.

Yes I have to keep focus on my routine meanwhile I have to add these 2 boys to the mix. I don't like her carefree living conditions so I will not be going to far away. I'm definitely going to run on the weekends and continue my gym work.

The boys do need basic house supplies. I really don't get her MLC philosophy at times. I just think she doesn't want me buying anything because it shows her up in her head.

She used to be that way with their clothing and food if I brought it. We pretty much have had no conflict. Yes we have disagreed a few times.  ::)

I will let her settle down in her depression. Again no phone calls or texts today. We did meet at school around lunchtime.

When we lived together I would just avoid her when she got like this because this is the phase where monster will show. That could explain why she is back on stupid. Its depression related.

Her parents are gone so I've seen enough to know that I'm not leaving my son's with her. I will see them everyday and we are not going backwards.

Now this will hit the fan at some point. She has been looking for a fight now for a few days. Again we don't see each other everyday. She is doing her part to avoid me now herself.

She most definitely will lose the car to repossession. No way she can pay for it. Her paycheck has always been a great mystery. There is no gambling as of April 1st. She partied and stayed out with her GF's on April 13th and 14th.

Her parents departed April 15th and I have seen no evidence of partying. Yes she sees her GF but she comes home at normal times. Again maybe that was mania behavior talking.

So I will see how long I can ride this wave out. Hopefully the 3 of us can enjoy our summer for once and she won't be too problematic.

All that being said I wish she could figure herself out. She is always full of plans and dreams that never come to fruition. I wish I could have an honest conversation with her, but you know, they don't want to listen.

Very sad to watch her continue to struggle through life. Stuck in victim mode and blaming the world for all that is wrong. Always running and looking for her fix.

So I try to be nice to her when I see her. She always calls me by my name or nickname and tells me all her stories and ideas. I just listen and keep her entertained.

So we shall see. I look forward to a full season of running and enjoying the weather. I barbecued 3 times for the boys over the weekend. Those things just never happened.

Have a good night

Thank you



« Last Edit: May 28, 2019, 08:16:04 PM by Watcher »

 

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