Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!  (Read 2106 times)

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!
« on: May 26, 2019, 10:07:54 PM »
Hi all,

I've been lurking, so happy to find this place. Still reading all the materials.

I'm sure my story is just like everyone else's....... M to the love of my life, 21 years of mostly joy (no kids). Super strong M, and that makes it so hard.
There was something not quite right and the alarm bells went off.... I tried to move (schedule vacation, spend more time together, etc) and then the BD.
It's been a month and I'm scrambling to learn what to do. Made some mistakes before learning not to chase, not to engage in rational conversation (R based), and don't spill your guts.

Essentially.... she's not my W anymore. Actually, she's not even HER anymore. That's a tough pill to swallow.

So here's to the process and hope that she comes out the other end.
Still live together, but she's pulling away fast. No A yet (but I'm slowly coming to terms that it's usual - which is agony). Separation will ruin me financially. The life we built was designed for both to be working.

It's shocking how little info there is...... and most of the videos I've seen on YouTube are disgusting.... "Yeah, leave him!!! You don't need a man!!! Find your happiness!!!! Nothing matters except finding yourself!!! Throw it all away, you're a hero for doing it!!!". That really bothers me. It's such a lie that I can only guess is designed to destroy marriages, and cover other people's guilt for having flushed their own lives down the toilet. I had a great woman. A great one. I know she's listening to this garbage. She was posting it on FB before I turned that trash off.
I'm not perfect, but I'm a darn good H. Very hard working, sacrificial, honest and completely loyal to a fault. This feels like such a betrayal.

Well, one month in. Standing for my W.... which at this point means giving her complete space (as much as possible in the same house), setting rules to not approach if the door is closed (it always has been since that was established), and (mistake) an open ended offer for a date when she's ready (done before I knew anything).
Mostly downhill since the BD. Changes are everywhere, big and small. Sometimes a little hint that she's still in there. I know it'll be a long time.... maybe forever. I miss her so bad.

Standing until the A, can't know how I'll react until then. She's low energy (at least I think she is, maybe that will change).
I don't want her to leave, I don't want her to have an A. If I had my way, she'd be this alternate self until she heals and comes out. I know this is very unlikely. Too bad there isn't a scale to measure your MLC/WW/WAS and have an idea.


Well, let the journey begin..... time to GAL and make self improvements.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online Whyus

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2019, 10:59:04 PM »
Sorry that you have had to find us Strong.
I joined around the same time as you did, 3-4 weeks pre BD. Unfortunately I discovered her A 2 weeks later, it had been going on for 6 months. This doesnt mean that it will be the same for your W but be warned and prepare yourself mentally.

Its time to look after yourself now, as you know, your W as you knew her has left the Building. This is probably going to be the hardest Phase of your life until now so read, vent, post. Do whatever you have to do to get by. Eat, sleep and spoil yourself a Little.

Im sorry that this is Happening to your Family.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Online Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2019, 11:18:28 PM »
And lock down any joint finances you can. And get some L advice even if you are not ready to act on it yet.

You seem to have your head on straight for so early in the game. As you say, no longer your wife but no longer even recognisable as her as a person. And yes it is hard to adapt to as reality. And to really accept that this means they will probably do unimaginable things which will be destructive and self destructive....and won't care or will lie or try to tell you black is white and it is your fault.

So do whatever keeps you as mentally and physically fit as you can bc hanging on to your own sanity and perspective will help. We all hope that your story unfolds into one of the less crazy ones, a transition more than a crisis, but of course no one knows yet including you. But whatever happens, please take comfort in the fact that there is nothing that might come your way that someone else here has not experienced. And survived. It will be a hard path but you will find a way to be ok and we will be here when you need us. Bc we get it.

What are you doing to look after yourself and focus on other things than the unexplored bomb that is your wife currently?
« Last Edit: May 26, 2019, 11:20:05 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Online OldPilot

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2019, 11:30:25 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2019, 01:01:22 AM »
Thank you guys, I really appreciate it.

@Treasur

What do you mean transition instead of Crisis? What is the difference? Do they both have the BD? I was very BD'ed...... lots of comments you never make to a spouse. Lots of actions since then that you just don't do.

I actually started looking into MLC because when we had our first R talk in this series, she was falling apart during it..... so confused and sooooo much pain, she asked "What is happening to me?!?!? Is this a midlife crisis???"
That cry for help is what set me in motion.
Little did I know, that was the last time my W was there..... the last time I would talk with her (as her) and the real her didn't last the entire conversation. She failed right there in the middle of it.

I have so much guilt now.... that 1st conversation scared the crap out of me, and I didn't tell her how much I loved her before she was gone.
She told me there was this "darkness full of awful thoughts and anger" that would overtake her, and she didn't like it. She said she was fighting it, but that she was losing.
At the second conversation the next week, she was completely different. I asked her about the darkness and she had no memory of ever talking about it.
Oh I wish I had known..... and I could see it when it happened. The face changed.... the eyes changed, the tone changed. Right there, in the span of a conversation.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online One day at a time

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2019, 01:23:35 AM »
Standing, I'm sorry you are here but glad you found the forum to help you through this nightmare.

I still struggle with guilt myself, unfortunately many of us blame ourselves for the crisis or the things we did when we didn't know that they were a big no no for someone in crisis... But I will say to you what many people say to me and in moments of clarity I see it myself... It really doesn't matter what you did/do - said/say. Your W's crisis has nothing to do with you. You just happen to be the husband of someone in crisis and that's why your life was blown up. It's not your fault and that means a) you didn't cause it and b) you cannot fix it.

You do sound like you have it together despite being so close to BD... And I'm really glad you found the site so quick! I spent months trying to fix the unfixable while H was home... Such a waste of time, so much hurt and disappointment.. We all hope our stories will be different, that our spouses will wake up sooner... But the reality is that none of us know. The only thing we can do is to focus on ourselves and try our best to navigate the wildest storm of our lives.. Leave your W to it, there's nothing you can do to help her.. unfortunately  :-\

H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Online Whyus

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2019, 01:37:58 AM »
What do you mean transition instead of Crisis? What is the difference?
A MLT is basically the same as a MLC but not so Long (we could all be in for 10+ years of MLC)  and not so intense, easier to wake from and causes less damage.

 I asked her about the darkness and she had no memory of ever talking about it.
That sounds about right, very common, especially after Monstering.
Oh I wish I had known..... and I could see it when it happened. The face changed.... the eyes changed, the tone changed. Right there, in the span of a conversation.
This is totally freaky/scary and most of us have been through it, I even wrote a song about it called "shark eyes"  ;). You have to make the best of what you have right?
]
« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 01:39:27 AM by Whyus »
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Silver

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2019, 04:35:51 AM »
Welcome, Standing. Sorry for the situation.

Doesn't really matter if it's about MLT or MLC, in my opinion. I used to calm myself down by telling myself that maybe she (XW) is having MLT and actually believed at one point that she goes trough it really quick. You know, faster than anyone ever before  ::) She didn't. I of course like everyone here hope your's will and it is possible, but the best is to accept that she is in crisis and it takes probably a long time to get trough it. Not all of them have an A but most of them do, at least some kind of affair. It's bc it is needed for their crisis to go on. Like Whyus said, be prepared for it and even she did have an A, remember it is not the end of story, it is part of it and part of the script.

Standing is not standing still, the old wisdom you probably have already heard, think about it and what that does mean to you. Focus on making your life as good as possible regardless her decisions and actions and you will get trough this in any case.

Long walk but hey, we all survived that, you will too my friend.

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Online Helpingme!

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2019, 05:29:54 AM »
I agree with Silver. Don't worry yourself with MLT/MLC. My opinion is all start as some form of transition , if they can fight it and handle it, well it may not last as long.  But if they cant?????? Well it just blows up. Try and get prepared for the worst.  Same as Whyus said, I didn't think an A, when I found out, it had been going on for a year or more, it's just part of it.

Best for you is to get on with your life. Standing is not standing still. That is a huge thing to get in your head. It took me a couple years to figure that out. Just try as hard as you can to let them be.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2019, 06:23:40 AM »
Hello,

Quote
Best for you is to get on with your life. Standing is not standing still. That is a huge thing to get in your head.

This is an absolute, I have posted this before and will post again, whether you like it or not, you are on a new journey. While your MLCer projects and runs to avoid, you can take this life to confront and enrich your life. While she moves like a pinball in the machines, you can be intentional and deliberate in your journey.

Do something for yourself. Take up a new hobby, a different activity, and focus on yourself. A marriage is about bringing two people into one. When that one tears apart the two pieces have to heal. That is why you need the time. You need to heal and make yourself whole again.

No one can predict the future and human beings are complex creatures. I can make no promises and I don't know how far down the rabbit hole your wife will go. With that said, as others before me, you need to protect your finances, MLCers can go through the funds quickly.

Don't open up to her or be vulnerable. She is self-centered and only focused on herself. She won't be able to support or comfort you. So don't open yourself up for pain.

I am really sorry you are on this site, but there are great people who will give you great advice. Read the threads and make this your safe place.

Fist bump,

Ready



"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

 

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