Author Topic: My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!  (Read 1651 times)

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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My Story Aliens stole my W!!!!
« on: May 26, 2019, 10:07:54 PM »
Hi all,

I've been lurking, so happy to find this place. Still reading all the materials.

I'm sure my story is just like everyone else's....... M to the love of my life, 21 years of mostly joy (no kids). Super strong M, and that makes it so hard.
There was something not quite right and the alarm bells went off.... I tried to move (schedule vacation, spend more time together, etc) and then the BD.
It's been a month and I'm scrambling to learn what to do. Made some mistakes before learning not to chase, not to engage in rational conversation (R based), and don't spill your guts.

Essentially.... she's not my W anymore. Actually, she's not even HER anymore. That's a tough pill to swallow.

So here's to the process and hope that she comes out the other end.
Still live together, but she's pulling away fast. No A yet (but I'm slowly coming to terms that it's usual - which is agony). Separation will ruin me financially. The life we built was designed for both to be working.

It's shocking how little info there is...... and most of the videos I've seen on YouTube are disgusting.... "Yeah, leave him!!! You don't need a man!!! Find your happiness!!!! Nothing matters except finding yourself!!! Throw it all away, you're a hero for doing it!!!". That really bothers me. It's such a lie that I can only guess is designed to destroy marriages, and cover other people's guilt for having flushed their own lives down the toilet. I had a great woman. A great one. I know she's listening to this garbage. She was posting it on FB before I turned that trash off.
I'm not perfect, but I'm a darn good H. Very hard working, sacrificial, honest and completely loyal to a fault. This feels like such a betrayal.

Well, one month in. Standing for my W.... which at this point means giving her complete space (as much as possible in the same house), setting rules to not approach if the door is closed (it always has been since that was established), and (mistake) an open ended offer for a date when she's ready (done before I knew anything).
Mostly downhill since the BD. Changes are everywhere, big and small. Sometimes a little hint that she's still in there. I know it'll be a long time.... maybe forever. I miss her so bad.

Standing until the A, can't know how I'll react until then. She's low energy (at least I think she is, maybe that will change).
I don't want her to leave, I don't want her to have an A. If I had my way, she'd be this alternate self until she heals and comes out. I know this is very unlikely. Too bad there isn't a scale to measure your MLC/WW/WAS and have an idea.


Well, let the journey begin..... time to GAL and make self improvements.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Whyus

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #1 on: May 26, 2019, 10:59:04 PM »
Sorry that you have had to find us Strong.
I joined around the same time as you did, 3-4 weeks pre BD. Unfortunately I discovered her A 2 weeks later, it had been going on for 6 months. This doesnt mean that it will be the same for your W but be warned and prepare yourself mentally.

Its time to look after yourself now, as you know, your W as you knew her has left the Building. This is probably going to be the hardest Phase of your life until now so read, vent, post. Do whatever you have to do to get by. Eat, sleep and spoil yourself a Little.

Im sorry that this is Happening to your Family.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #2 on: May 26, 2019, 11:18:28 PM »
And lock down any joint finances you can. And get some L advice even if you are not ready to act on it yet.

You seem to have your head on straight for so early in the game. As you say, no longer your wife but no longer even recognisable as her as a person. And yes it is hard to adapt to as reality. And to really accept that this means they will probably do unimaginable things which will be destructive and self destructive....and won't care or will lie or try to tell you black is white and it is your fault.

So do whatever keeps you as mentally and physically fit as you can bc hanging on to your own sanity and perspective will help. We all hope that your story unfolds into one of the less crazy ones, a transition more than a crisis, but of course no one knows yet including you. But whatever happens, please take comfort in the fact that there is nothing that might come your way that someone else here has not experienced. And survived. It will be a hard path but you will find a way to be ok and we will be here when you need us. Bc we get it.

What are you doing to look after yourself and focus on other things than the unexplored bomb that is your wife currently?
« Last Edit: May 26, 2019, 11:20:05 PM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline OldPilot

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #3 on: May 26, 2019, 11:30:25 PM »
Welcome to the Board

You are in a good place.
Your H/W  is on his/her own journey.
You can not do anything to control this trip.
Come here and read or vent, we will listen.
Give your H/W space  he/she needs to heal himself/herself.

I would not ask him/her anything unless you can have no expectations.
Sometimes asking them questions will be thought of as pressure.
You do not want to do anything that can be thought of by your H/W as controlling or pressure.

Your need to start working on you.
There is nothing that you can do to help your H/W.

He/She has given you a gift.
It is time!!

Use the time wisely to make yourself a better person.
Look in the mirror to see what it is that you can improve.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
GAL.

Read some books on depression. Both for yourself! And for H/W.
Believe none of what he/she says and 50% of what he/she does.

Read the resources from this site.
The links that are in my signature.

Detach. - The single most important thing you can do

The detach link and HB's 6 stages of MLC(rewritten from Jim Conway) located in the resources above.
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=4.msg380#msg380

Developing Detachment
http://jamesjmessina.com/toolsforcontrolissues/developdetachment.html

http://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/self-focus_releasers_detach.html

http://www.livestrong.com/article/14712-developing-detachment/

RCR has asked everyone to keep to one thread until  that thread is 150 posts

Keep posting and asking questions and we will try to answer them.

Knowledge is Power - Sir Francis Bacon

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #4 on: May 27, 2019, 01:01:22 AM »
Thank you guys, I really appreciate it.

@Treasur

What do you mean transition instead of Crisis? What is the difference? Do they both have the BD? I was very BD'ed...... lots of comments you never make to a spouse. Lots of actions since then that you just don't do.

I actually started looking into MLC because when we had our first R talk in this series, she was falling apart during it..... so confused and sooooo much pain, she asked "What is happening to me?!?!? Is this a midlife crisis???"
That cry for help is what set me in motion.
Little did I know, that was the last time my W was there..... the last time I would talk with her (as her) and the real her didn't last the entire conversation. She failed right there in the middle of it.

I have so much guilt now.... that 1st conversation scared the crap out of me, and I didn't tell her how much I loved her before she was gone.
She told me there was this "darkness full of awful thoughts and anger" that would overtake her, and she didn't like it. She said she was fighting it, but that she was losing.
At the second conversation the next week, she was completely different. I asked her about the darkness and she had no memory of ever talking about it.
Oh I wish I had known..... and I could see it when it happened. The face changed.... the eyes changed, the tone changed. Right there, in the span of a conversation.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #5 on: May 27, 2019, 01:23:35 AM »
Standing, I'm sorry you are here but glad you found the forum to help you through this nightmare.

I still struggle with guilt myself, unfortunately many of us blame ourselves for the crisis or the things we did when we didn't know that they were a big no no for someone in crisis... But I will say to you what many people say to me and in moments of clarity I see it myself... It really doesn't matter what you did/do - said/say. Your W's crisis has nothing to do with you. You just happen to be the husband of someone in crisis and that's why your life was blown up. It's not your fault and that means a) you didn't cause it and b) you cannot fix it.

You do sound like you have it together despite being so close to BD... And I'm really glad you found the site so quick! I spent months trying to fix the unfixable while H was home... Such a waste of time, so much hurt and disappointment.. We all hope our stories will be different, that our spouses will wake up sooner... But the reality is that none of us know. The only thing we can do is to focus on ourselves and try our best to navigate the wildest storm of our lives.. Leave your W to it, there's nothing you can do to help her.. unfortunately  :-\

H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Whyus

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #6 on: May 27, 2019, 01:37:58 AM »
What do you mean transition instead of Crisis? What is the difference?
A MLT is basically the same as a MLC but not so Long (we could all be in for 10+ years of MLC)  and not so intense, easier to wake from and causes less damage.

 I asked her about the darkness and she had no memory of ever talking about it.
That sounds about right, very common, especially after Monstering.
Oh I wish I had known..... and I could see it when it happened. The face changed.... the eyes changed, the tone changed. Right there, in the span of a conversation.
This is totally freaky/scary and most of us have been through it, I even wrote a song about it called "shark eyes"  ;). You have to make the best of what you have right?
]
« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 01:39:27 AM by Whyus »
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Silver

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #7 on: May 27, 2019, 04:35:51 AM »
Welcome, Standing. Sorry for the situation.

Doesn't really matter if it's about MLT or MLC, in my opinion. I used to calm myself down by telling myself that maybe she (XW) is having MLT and actually believed at one point that she goes trough it really quick. You know, faster than anyone ever before  ::) She didn't. I of course like everyone here hope your's will and it is possible, but the best is to accept that she is in crisis and it takes probably a long time to get trough it. Not all of them have an A but most of them do, at least some kind of affair. It's bc it is needed for their crisis to go on. Like Whyus said, be prepared for it and even she did have an A, remember it is not the end of story, it is part of it and part of the script.

Standing is not standing still, the old wisdom you probably have already heard, think about it and what that does mean to you. Focus on making your life as good as possible regardless her decisions and actions and you will get trough this in any case.

Long walk but hey, we all survived that, you will too my friend.

"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Helpingme!

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #8 on: May 27, 2019, 05:29:54 AM »
I agree with Silver. Don't worry yourself with MLT/MLC. My opinion is all start as some form of transition , if they can fight it and handle it, well it may not last as long.  But if they cant?????? Well it just blows up. Try and get prepared for the worst.  Same as Whyus said, I didn't think an A, when I found out, it had been going on for a year or more, it's just part of it.

Best for you is to get on with your life. Standing is not standing still. That is a huge thing to get in your head. It took me a couple years to figure that out. Just try as hard as you can to let them be.

Offline readytofixmyselffirst

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #9 on: May 27, 2019, 06:23:40 AM »
Hello,

Quote
Best for you is to get on with your life. Standing is not standing still. That is a huge thing to get in your head.

This is an absolute, I have posted this before and will post again, whether you like it or not, you are on a new journey. While your MLCer projects and runs to avoid, you can take this life to confront and enrich your life. While she moves like a pinball in the machines, you can be intentional and deliberate in your journey.

Do something for yourself. Take up a new hobby, a different activity, and focus on yourself. A marriage is about bringing two people into one. When that one tears apart the two pieces have to heal. That is why you need the time. You need to heal and make yourself whole again.

No one can predict the future and human beings are complex creatures. I can make no promises and I don't know how far down the rabbit hole your wife will go. With that said, as others before me, you need to protect your finances, MLCers can go through the funds quickly.

Don't open up to her or be vulnerable. She is self-centered and only focused on herself. She won't be able to support or comfort you. So don't open yourself up for pain.

I am really sorry you are on this site, but there are great people who will give you great advice. Read the threads and make this your safe place.

Fist bump,

Ready



"Always look in the mirror and love what you see."

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #10 on: May 27, 2019, 07:58:59 AM »
Thank you everybody  :)

Just like everyone at the beginning: looking, reading, crying, praying, hoping, planning.... all that stuff.

I guess the biggest and hardest question is this (and I know there's no right answer).... Do they come out of it? I mean do they actually come out of it?
I've been reading everything I can get my hands on... and on the surface, it is straightforward: The spouse is broken, they have to get thru these stages, wake up, and have their life/memory return and maybe be stronger than before. That's great. Sounds like a long, painful, heartbreaking voyage but there's an ending.Sacrifice pays off in the end.

Then you see all the stories about all the years a LBS waits (or gets on with their life with the door still creaked open a crack) but no sign of improvement with the MLC'er..... and all the D's which happen to standers anyway.
Is this normal? I can't believe (or don't want to believe) that the vast majority of MLC R's are just thrown into the D meat-grinder and that's that. Or that limbo goes on forever.
People do get thru this right? This happens all the time.... right?

I had a brutally honest conversation with myself last night which had me bawling........ The last couple weeks I've cried more than the rest of my life combined......
I was telling myself, ok..... get ready for this period of time..... here's what you need to do and make yourself better..... here's some activities and hobbies to keep you busy.... here's some skills which would be great to learn....... here's some difficulties that are probably coming.....we need to detach ASAP............... Then this horrible, horrible thought came into my mind, and it was this: "Your W.... your real W..... would not want you to suffer like this.... she loves you too much". Ohh that totally slayed me..... because it's true. And if it were me, I'd say the same thing to her.... "Don't you worry about me sweetie..... I don't want you to be in pain". I don't know if this message/thought will help me detach or not..... but I know for a fact it will linger in me and not be forgotten.


-SS   
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline megogirl

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #11 on: May 27, 2019, 08:15:19 AM »
Sounds like a long, painful, heartbreaking voyage but there's an ending.Sacrifice pays off in the end.

Yes.  They are in the (slow!) process of piecing themselves back together again.  RCR likens this process to the story of Humpty Dumpty.  And the more wounding that occurred in childhood, the longer it takes to do so.

Along the way, you will see blips of the W you always knew.  These pockets of clarity are ever-fleeting.  But they're real, so you will think the crisis is over - when it's really far from it. 

They're just proof that the "real" person is lost.....but still in there.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 08:19:19 AM by megogirl »

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #12 on: May 27, 2019, 08:53:33 AM »
Sorry you're here, Standing. But I'm glad you found us. Yes, the advice out there celebrating divorce and selfishness is horrible. Everything you're feeling is completely normal. We've been there. You're not the crazy one.

Aliens stole my wife too. I have a stay-home wallower. You're doing well to be so far along so fast. My BD was discovering an EA and I spent months blaming myself for it. You're WAY ahead of where I was at the same point.

I'm now three years in and I'm still standing. I've survived some serious weirdness and mindfrackery. There's no way I would wish this on anyone, but I can honestly say I've become a stronger, more empathetic, and better person. You're definitely in the school of hard knocks. But, as Ursa Major says, you don't go through hell and back without acquiring some transferable skills. Try to learn your lessons well. But it sucks, it truly does.

You've already gotten some great advice from some wise veterans here, so I won't add much. But here are a few survival skills.

* One thing I will caution you about is worrying too much about what may or may not happen. I have a hard time not doing this and I get myself tied up in knots about what she's going to do tomorrow, next week or next year. Do what you can to protect yourself legally, financially and emotionally, but try not to let your anxiety get the best of you. There's enough craziness to deal with one day at a time.

* Treat yourself like you would treat a buddy who came to you with the same story. In other words, take it easy on yourself.

* Post often. This is the perfect place to rant, vent, ask questions or rave like a lunatic. You're among friends here.

Take care.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #13 on: May 27, 2019, 09:04:22 AM »
I guess the biggest and hardest question is this (and I know there's no right answer).... Do they come out of it? I mean do they actually come out of it?
I've been reading everything I can get my hands on... and on the surface, it is straightforward: The spouse is broken, they have to get thru these stages, wake up, and have their life/memory return and maybe be stronger than before. That's great. Sounds like a long, painful, heartbreaking voyage but there's an ending.Sacrifice pays off in the end.

Then you see all the stories about all the years a LBS waits (or gets on with their life with the door still creaked open a crack) but no sign of improvement with the MLC'er..... and all the D's which happen to standers anyway.
Is this normal? I can't believe (or don't want to believe) that the vast majority of MLC R's are just thrown into the D meat-grinder and that's that. Or that limbo goes on forever.
People do get thru this right? This happens all the time.... right?
Some might, others won't and that's the problem.. You don't know what category your wife will fall into. Nobody knows..
I completely understand what you are going through, I was the same at the beginning... It was about "passing time" until he could get through it.. Specially when he was still at home, I thought it was a matter of time (didn't realize we were talking YEARS)  He also thought it was temporary, said that to me himself. He thought he would wake up one day and he'd be back to normal.. But I think he could feel himself loosing control.. At some point he said his biggest fear was to make my life miserable for a long time and things will never go back to normal. And then he ran... I'm not saying the same will happen to you but it is a possibility and you need to prepare yourself for that as best as you can.

Then this horrible, horrible thought came into my mind, and it was this: "Your W.... your real W..... would not want you to suffer like this.... she loves you too much". Ohh that totally slayed me..... because it's true. And if it were me, I'd say the same thing to her.... "Don't you worry about me sweetie..... I don't want you to be in pain". I don't know if this message/thought will help me detach or not..... but I know for a fact it will linger in me and not be forgotten.
A year or 2 before BD, H and I were talking about a girl I know from the gym. Her long term partner had cancer and they were splitting up. Very tough situation, she had a lot of guilt but she said the reasons for separating had nothing to do with his sickness. H told me that if he was in the same situation as this girl's partner,  he wouldn't like to see me sacrificing my life for him. He would want me to be free and happy...
This conversation came to my mind when H ran away... In the weeks before he announced he was done, I was struggling.. The constant acts of rejections were hurting me very deeply and it showed. I do wonder if H couldn't face my pain anymore so he actually had no option but to run.. I will probably never get an answer to that question.. But I also know that the real him would hate to hurt me in the way he did. But he's not the real him right now.. and neither is your wife.

Just be as gentle as you can with yourself.. Some of our advice right now will be hard to accept, a very bitter pill to swallow.. Some of if you might not be able to apply for a while.. We all learn in our own time.. This is probably going to be one of the hardest things you face in your life, at least it is for me.. But we all get through it and make it to the other side... with or without our spouses.
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #14 on: May 27, 2019, 09:38:57 AM »
Quote
Do they come out of it? I mean do they actually come out of it?

There are some that do. If you see a purple colored icon beside a person's name, they are in the process of reconciling or have reconciled.

There are also several return stories posted at:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=237.0

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1756.0

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=5763.0

You might like to read BBhelp's thread whose wife was in a crisis. He explains things very well. He can be followed at:

http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8080.0
http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8194.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=9713.0
https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=10463.0

There is absolutely no guarantees and MLC often takes years, my husband has been in a crisis for 10 years and it continues to this day. I am a stander and have always been...it matters deeply to me to remain faithful to our marriage.



Quote
Then you see all the stories about all the years a LBS waits (or gets on with their life with the door still creaked open a crack) but no sign of improvement with the MLC'er..... and all the D's which happen to standers anyway.
Is this normal? I can't believe (or don't want to believe) that the vast majority of MLC R's are just thrown into the D meat-grinder and that's that. Or that limbo goes on forever.

This is why it is so very important, and you will hear this over and over...leave her to her crisis. This is not about you and not about your marriage. Protect your finances and build a life that is yours...as we say "live as though they are never coming back".

Quote
People do get thru this right? This happens all the time.... right?

Unfortunately no, or if they do get through it, it takes so many years that many LBSers are not willing to have them back, have moved on into another relationship or the MLC cannot find it in themselves to face the damage they have caused.

Live as though they are never coming back. You can do that and continue to stand. Several of us do.

Quote
Standing until the A, can't know how I'll react until then.

Standers, like MLCers come in various sizes and shapes. Some stand because of their values and beliefs systems and to me that is the true definition of a stander...in my opinion, there is something really wrong with my husband. Many factors affect why I am standing.

Some have specific boundaries that if their spouse crosses them, that will be the end. The amount of pain and hurt they cause us, makes some people decide that they do not wish to have this person ion their life, or it will take too long for them to come through their crisis.

This is something that will become clearer to you as time passes. I suggest, especially because it is so early, that you need not make any firm commitment either way.

You have come to a really good place of support and will learn a great deal from others...please read RCR's articles! They are gold regarding understanding what is happening to your wife.

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

"Women in MidLife Crisis" By Jim Conway is also an excellent resource.
« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 09:39:59 AM by xyzcf »
"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

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Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #15 on: May 27, 2019, 04:32:00 PM »
Thank you all for you insight and all the links... I'm reading and absorbing everything.

As a practical matter, day to day living...... what is the correct thing for interacting with your "new" spouse?

She is still here in the house but I know her desire is to run.
She's has said it.... "I want to run, I'm trying not to run. Run, run, run".
She moved into the guest room for one night, and then moved back (both unannounced, and both not talked about afterward).
I'm giving her total space: I'm withdrawing to a room so she can't see me (while I read online and books on this subject), but leaving the door ajar so she can approach if she wants to (she's only done so once).
Likewise, if she goes into a room and closes the door, I don't enter (before I learned, I offered that deal when she 1st said she wanted to run). I'm ok with that.

But, I do the cooking (always have), and well... I miss her. I want to know how her day was. Little things like that. I don't want to pressure her. I don't want to give her stress.
I keep the conversations light and quick, and then I get out of there. Is this the right thing to do? Am I pursuing by doing this?
She's avoiding me like the plague. I get that. It's so weird to not know where she's going or what she's doing.... and that's ok. I am adjusting to that new reality, and I haven't asked her about her whereabouts at all.
I do ask how her day is, and whatever she volunteers I go with that. Can that be interpreted as pushing? I don't ask her to do anything, I don't ask her to make any decisions now (beyond is there anything you'd like from the store).
Being nice and caring is still a good thing right? Just be assertive (I haven't had to do any boundaries yet), direct, and brief?

This is one of the hardest parts for me right now. I don't want her to run, and I know she wants to. Trying to make sure I don't add anything to her plate so she can process herself.

So much more learning.... and praying to do.

-SS

W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline megogirl

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #16 on: May 27, 2019, 04:45:01 PM »
She's has said it.... "I want to run, I'm trying not to run. Run, run, run".

She actually SAID that?  WOW

Well, you definitely don't need to hem and haw about whether or not she's "really in" MLC......
« Last Edit: May 27, 2019, 05:02:49 PM by megogirl »

Offline Silver

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #17 on: May 28, 2019, 01:56:24 AM »

But, I do the cooking (always have), and well... I miss her. I want to know how her day was. Little things like that. I don't want to pressure her. I don't want to give her stress.
I keep the conversations light and quick, and then I get out of there. Is this the right thing to do? Am I pursuing by doing this?
She's avoiding me like the plague. I get that. It's so weird to not know where she's going or what she's doing.... and that's ok. I am adjusting to that new reality, and I haven't asked her about her whereabouts at all.
I do ask how her day is, and whatever she volunteers I go with that. Can that be interpreted as pushing? I don't ask her to do anything, I don't ask her to make any decisions now (beyond is there anything you'd like from the store).
Being nice and caring is still a good thing right? Just be assertive (I haven't had to do any boundaries yet), direct, and brief?

This is one of the hardest parts for me right now. I don't want her to run, and I know she wants to. Trying to make sure I don't add anything to her plate so she can process herself.


Anything can be taken as pressure in MLCer's view, I had several WTF -moments with XW as she told me how I was pressuring her in some way even when I really wasn't. I wouldn't even ask her about how her day was, I know it sounds stupid but it's possible she finds 'pressuring' even in it. Just my opinion.

I'd let her do all the initiatives, being scarce and neutral with your words, which doesn't mean you have to be 'cold'. (I got feedback about that too like 'why can't you act normal' bc I was TOO neutral at one point  :o) Just let her understand that you are focusing in everything else than her crisis at the moment (as you should too).

IF she starts talking and wants you to listen, be a good listener and validate, don't get sucked in any relationship talks but hear what she says to you instead. If she blames you about anything (everything) just say something like 'sorry you feel this way' but don't start to defend yourself. If she monsters, just walk away for a while.

It is easy for me to tell you all this (which everything about I read from HS and got as advice) bc I did everything exactly opposite MANY times and not ONCE lead it to anything good.
It's very difficult to stay calm, cool, collected as you should with live-in-MLCer, at least if they monster a lot, but it's the best you can do in the situation buddy.

Read RCR's advice about communication once again too:

https://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=1149.msg134214#msg134214


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline stayed

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #18 on: May 28, 2019, 09:27:49 AM »
Silvers advice is GOLD.  I would like to add to it though.... DO NOT PRETZEL yourself!  Do not try to twist yourself into becoming the person YOU THINK she wants.  She had no idea what she wants.  In fact, at this moment, I expect you are pretty confused about what you want, as well.  For the most part, we think we just want back what we once had.  Sadly Standing Strong, that is gone.  You will never again have what was before.  Sounds terrible, but actually, that is a really good thing. 

In time you will start to truly examine your old marriage and you will find it wanting.  Not in a bad way, as it wasn't bad, it was very good BUT it could have been better, much better.  If your marriage survives this, it can be better but ONLY if you do the work that it's going to take. 

Focus on yourself,  rediscover yourself, we all become a bit combined with our spouses in marriage and breaking those tendencies is probably what will save yourself and probably your marriage.  Happiness, true happiness begins within ourselves.... that is the key!

Hugs Stayed
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

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Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #19 on: May 28, 2019, 08:47:19 PM »
Thank you Silver and Stayed,

I'm doing really really good with the cool and collected in front of her (as least I think I am). She actually asked me why I wasn't mad at the 3rd (and last) R talk a couple weeks ago (I'm even better now).
Pretty sure she was hoping I'd pull the trigger and end it for her (never going to happen).

I had read somewhere that a low energy MCL'er may move out but it could be an extended period of time before they do (like 2 years).
Are there any warning signs (behaviors) to be on the lookout for? Or you just go home one day and they're gone? I've never had anyone leave me, so I don't know what it looks like. I really want her to separate in-house if at all possible.

Oh!!!! Question Question:
How devious are these MCL'ers? I mean, they wait a long time and act normal before the BD (evil if you ask me). Since they can't seem to keep a thought straight for any period of time.... are they able to plan out things they intend to do to you in advance? Or is it all impulse? For example: My MIL is coming in AUG, and will stay with us on and off for a month. After that, W is going back with them to have a second vacation this year with her mom (for 2-3 weeks). I'm guessing I won't have a D or external S thrown in my face before then since the space is needed for MIL. Are they able to plan complex evil things like this months in advance and keep to them? Somehow she's able to keep doing her job flawlessly (which is a complex and high stress job).

Super bummer.... I guess I shouldn't do anything for our anniversary on Monday  :'(     Too much pressure.....
That so breaks my heart. I had this gold plated rose to give her this year, and in her favorite color (pink). Can I even tell her happy anniversary? Or she has to say it first? I should just be happy that she's still in the house.  :-X

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline in it

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #20 on: May 28, 2019, 09:08:56 PM »
If she acknowledges the Anniversary then I think it would be ok.
And as much as I'd rather not tell a newbie this? Whether they are evil is up for interpretation.I believe I dealt and still am dealing with evil. The situation I dealt with may have been a planned and or a manipultion. I have no idea for how long.it may have been thought of in advance. Some of it may have been impulsive

Protect your finances. Protect your heart, use your head.
« Last Edit: May 28, 2019, 09:23:10 PM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #21 on: May 28, 2019, 09:19:09 PM »
I have a low-energy MLCer. I'm a sample size of one, so your mileage may vary.

Mine left home for 1 week after BD #2 in November 2018. She came home looking like hell. She has some physical health issues that make things harder for her, so she may be an exception.

She has recently started talking about finding an apartment of her own. We're three years post BD#1. I'm concerned that she's waiting until after our son's wedding in September to move out. Or she may wait until our daughter graduates from college next Spring. Or she may move out this weekend for all I know.

In any case, mine has done more talking than doing.

I have no idea what to tell you about warning signs. I would just recommend having a plan for if it happens and then not thinking about it. There's too much to think about that actually does happen to worry about what might happen someday. Also, try not to freak out if she does start talking about it. Just listen and validate her feelings. Whatever you do, don't give her an excuse to leave and don't be the one to leave. Unless it just becomes unsafe or unbearable.

Again, I'm a sample size of one. No two MLCers are exactly alike.

You're doing better than you might think. One day at a time. Or one hour at a time if you need to.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #22 on: May 28, 2019, 09:21:15 PM »
Oh, and I would be cautious with the anniversary. Anything romantic can feel like pressure to a guilty conscience. I've made that mistake and got myself hurt. Maybe keep that rose in reserve in case she gets you something. Just a thought. Others may have better ideas.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline stayed

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #23 on: May 28, 2019, 09:38:41 PM »
I agree with both in it and PJ...my h left when I went home to care for my mother who was dying of cancer.  Of course he didn't tell me, I found out when I tried to call him all one weekend.... he had his cell phone connected to our home phone so I wouldn't know he wasn't at home, after that.  They are very sneaky, very conniving. 

I especially agree about the rose... if by some bazaar chance that she gets you something, then give it to her.... otherwise ignore it. Everything is a&&backwards now.  Have no expectations.  Show no emotion.  Most of all NO RELATIONSHIP TALKS....

You are doing very well, hugs Stayed
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
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The Mentor Program
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Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #24 on: May 28, 2019, 11:23:45 PM »
Thanks for the ideas...... so I think what I'll do is this:

If she says Happy Anniversary in the morning, I'll go ahead and make a special dinner that night. No gold plated rose.
If she wants to run away and close the door with her food..... that's ok. I'll feel like a did good without too much pressure (we all have to eat right?), and if she appreciates it... all the better.


There is another thing which would be a HUGE help.... I'm really struggling with it: Saying where you're going.
I've seen where some people say to just go, don't say anything.... And other people which say treat them as a house guest.
Well... to me it's rude to just run off for hours or even a whole day without a peep.... but then again, the rules have changed. Making her wonder (if she does) is a good thing? Or being rude to the house guest?
When I've said "I'm going out" or "I'll be out tomorrow", always brings a question from her of "where are you going?" or "What are you doing?".

It was very strange on Sunday when I told her I'd be out Monday..... she asked what I was doing, and I told her "Going to visit Grandpa at the national cemetery (memorial day)". She asked "are you going by yourself?!?", I said no... with my mom, dad and sister. She got an almost hurt look.... sorta like "why am I not invited?". Who knows what was going on in there. She said ok.
The next day before I was picked up, she said in a semi-nasty tone "Enjoy the visit with YOUR family". Poor thing. I know she feels isolated..... actually I know she feels nothing, she's told me several times..... she feels NOTHING. How horrible that must be. I'm so glad she didn't go. We got to the cemetery.... the wind was blowing, the hundreds of little flags were flapping. Imagine seeing such a wonderful, beautiful, moving sight..... and feeling.... NOTHING. Terrible. I know that's depression..... she sure masks it well. She'll do anything for a distraction..... piano, painting, and her favorite..... going in to work extra hours (yes I know that's where she's going..... we have phone trackers from before BD, but I'm not looking. Another 180).

So, do you tell them what you're doing? Or just ghost them? This is super difficult for me. Manners are so important.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Silver

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #25 on: May 29, 2019, 01:18:01 AM »
We had anniversary soon after BD. I gave her Roses with the truth dart 'one for each year, even this last one'. She wasn't delighted, not for a dart but I guess roses either meant nothing to her or annoyed her. To be honest, she didn't deserve those roses but I'm glad now I did it b/c it was our last anniversary (which I didn't know at that time of course).

Don't use too much headspace about should you tell where you're going or not. If she's interested in it, you may very well tell her if she asks. That doesn't change anything in this IMO. People give different advice as we all have experienced thing in individual situations, you will learn with time which is best way to go in your's. Do what seems to work and 180 what is not!

Let her decide, if she wants to know where you are going, tell her, she is still your W. If she doesn't ask, feel free to just say you are going out and maybe when you are planning to come back home. Don't offer her any information she is not interested in.
Just my 2 cents.

DO NOT PRETZEL yourself!  Do not try to twist yourself into becoming the person YOU THINK she wants.  She had no idea what she wants.  In fact, at this moment, I expect you are pretty confused about what you want, as well.  For the most part, we think we just want back what we once had.  Sadly Standing Strong, that is gone.  You will never again have what was before.  Sounds terrible, but actually, that is a really good thing. 

This is such important. I could swear what stayed wrote is from my life, I used so much energy thinking about how she would like me to be as a husband to prevent her leaving, to make her see all the good in me. Didn't work and made me walk on eggshells and using HUGE amount of my headspace in that. Less you think about that, the better, think about what kind of person you want to be instead,  and work for becoming that person! I am truly happy now I finally understood that. I lost my marriage but learned a lot about me and got my self confidence and trust on life back. Mirror work is the only way to take advantage from horrible situation you didn't choose to be in.








"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #26 on: May 29, 2019, 01:36:23 AM »
The underpinning 'flavour' I'm hearing in your posts, my friend, is a kind of hyper-vigilance.
Which is about anxiety bc the world doesn't make sense and is a completely normal reaction to an abnormal situation.

My best advice? Keep it simple.
If she acknowledges your anniversary, respond with a card, small gift or dinner. But expect zip.
If you are going out, be polite and share basic factual info e.g. 'Going out...should be back by x time'. If she asks, expand on the basic factual info e.g. 'Meeting Fred for a beer' but no more than that.
If you are doing something and would be ok if she wanted to join in, extend the offer once, let her choose, have no expectations and press on. Maybe the family graveyard visit was one of those things, maybe not.
And the 'cunning planfullness' question? That is probably bc your brain is trying to game this out to protect you. Do some do evil planning? Yup...but rarely to any depth e.g. they plan to run and start looking at apartments secretly but don't think about how they will pay for it after the first few months or if there is room for kids to visit or the length of the work commute. Many don't plan much or not far out, just a drive to run and then a chain of events. Imho, not worth worrying about bc you can't control it. The bit you can control is locking down joint finances where you can, not agreeing to new big ticket stuff when the future is uncertain and trust that whatever happens, you will be ok and deal with it then.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline stayed

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #27 on: May 29, 2019, 08:01:44 AM »
Only one thing I would add to the excellent advice you are being given.  Before you do anything for your MLCer, always ask yourself WHY?  Why am I doing this?  If you have ANY ulterior motive, even something as simple as one of her "lovely, caring" smiles that once was reserved just for you.... then DO NOT DO IT.  NO EXPECTATIONS!

Anything you do in the future must be done only because it makes YOU feel good about yourself.  Don't hate us, we will tell you this a thousand times over, in time you will repeat this mantra to others.... FOCUS ON YOU!  You cannot fix her!  Only she can do that.  YOU can fix yourself.  You can prevent yourself a great deal of pain and anguish simply by focusing on yourself.  This is not easily learned as a part of you has become Mrs. Standing Strong, normal, you have been partners a long time, but now you have to become your OWN best, best, best friend. 

You're asking all the right questions Standing.... stay strong.... hugs Stayed


« Last Edit: May 29, 2019, 08:05:09 AM by stayed »
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

Stayed Husband Letter
The Hero's Spouse Mission Statement
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The Mentor Program
LBS SCRIPT

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #28 on: May 29, 2019, 08:46:06 AM »
Quote
The underpinning 'flavour' I'm hearing in your posts, my friend, is a kind of hyper-vigilance.
Which is about anxiety bc the world doesn't make sense and is a completely normal reaction to an abnormal situation.
Totally agree with Treasur here. Hyper-vigilance can get you completely tied up into knots. It can also be a symptom of PTSD, which many LBS face.

I've struggled with this a lot. I still struggle sometimes. It's a completely normal reaction to a dangerous situation. It's how your body protects itself. Think about it - if you were in a tiger-infested jungle or a war zone, being hyper-vigilant could save your life. But in dealing with an MLCer, it can just make you crazy.

Try to keep yourself calm and rested. Long walks, exercise. Whatever you need to keep your mind as clear as possible.

Hang in there and be good to yourself. 
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline in it

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #29 on: May 29, 2019, 08:58:16 AM »
Out of courtesy I'd give a real short explanation of where I might be going.

I would not allow her to dictate or try to control who you spend you time with and where.

"I'm going to the store. I'll be back in a while" Type thing.

No adding " Is there anything you need?"

You are living (or trying to) in a high stress situation. I'm not one of the people here that would tell you to "hang in there" living with someone like this..
« Last Edit: May 29, 2019, 09:07:20 AM by in it »
There are two ways of spreading light:
Be the candle; or the mirror that reflects it

Don't ask why someone is still hurting you; ask why you keep letting them.

At some point you have to get sick of going through the same sh!t.

Women are NOT rehabilitation centers for badly raised men. It is not your job to fix ,parent, raise or change him.
You want a partner not a project.

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #30 on: May 31, 2019, 08:49:21 PM »
So..... I'm just curious..... what happens when something really good happens to an MLC'er while they're in the tunnel?

So my W has been out on business all week, and she just got home a little bit ago.
We had some small talk (nice) and then she hits me with the news, she's been promoted. Good for her! She's very pleased (and should be). Gives me the rundown in a couple min, and asks me about my week.

Now keep in mind, there's been no contact. No calls, no texts, nothing all week... I didn't even know when she'd be home or what city she was in (and that's ok. I'm not bothered by any of that, I find it a little funny actually).

Here's the thing.... she loves work more than anything and it's been that way a long time. W and I killed ourselves climbing the ladder and I think what set off her MLC was in fact... work.
The position she had was one she despised and was forced on her. She did it wonderfully for years and hated every moment of it. Now she's going to have her dream position that she's been talking about for years.
Sooooooo what does this mean? Nothing? Everything?
Most of the stories talk about an MLC falling apart, losing everything, etc.
She just got what she wanted most.

What a curve ball........ How will she be able to see her unhappiness wasn't caused by me if now she's super happy? Or this will be a temp high and she'll sink right back down?
I'm super happy for her, and at the same time thinking "Uh oh".

Anyone see anything like this before?

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #31 on: May 31, 2019, 09:19:19 PM »
Interesting for sure.  She is probably expecting it to be the answer to all her woes....but will it be?  Wherever she goes, there she will be.  I imagine it might be quite a shock to still feel lost when the high wears off.

You also often want to share these successes with the people who know how hard you worked to get there and know what it means to you.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #32 on: June 01, 2019, 12:22:23 AM »
I agree with h&f....an external fix is still an external fix with limits for internal stuff. I suspect it will be a nice bit of validation and distraction for a while but then perhaps that old Peggy Lee song will start playing in her head 'is that all there is?' If it is MLC, as h&f says, it won't be enough...if it is more of a transition, it might be I guess.

In the months running up to BD my then h bought his 'dream' car and found his 'dream' job that enabled him to make a career change he had wanted for about 2 years. He kept the job, sold the car at a loss and still ended up medicated under psychiatric care for at least 2 years....as well as erasing his m, old friends, home, cats and finances. So in my h's case, it might have kept his 'inner wolf' at bay for a few months and undoubtedly served as a distraction for a little while....but it evidently wasn't enough. Actually thinking back at one point a couple of months before - unbeknownst to me - he was planning to get remarried and when some weird fraud/theft stuff had come out of the woodwork, he said to me that whilst he knew I could choose to go to the police he was afraid that he would lose his job and 'it was all that he had left of any importance' (I am guessing that ow would have been spitting wedding feathers if she had heard him say this lol...but it struck me as being a peculiar thing to say at the time. I said nothing of course and made my choice based on what was best for me)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #33 on: June 01, 2019, 06:06:48 AM »
Ah, that makes sense. Very interesting about the car and job Treasur

Yup, I have no doubt W would choose job over anything else. It gives her status, money, a big distraction, challenge, accomplishment, interaction, who knows.... maybe an A or A's too.
Totally hooked and addicted to work. When the going gets rough, the W goes in for more hours (often working weekends)..... more stress for the stress superwoman.

I do hope she has some relief for a bit, even if that means hitting pause on getting thru this.... I love her.
After we talked she went into the bedroom and closed the door, although for the time time she left it slightly ajar. Not taking the bait, if it was bait (I know it was deliberate, I watched her do it).

Still running dim, no course change..... time will tell.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline stayed

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #34 on: June 01, 2019, 06:57:44 AM »
You are a lovely, calm gentleman.  I find it hard to believe that in time your wife will not come out of this.  That being said, I hate giving you false hope, these situations are just so WEIRD and the return rate is random and inconsistent at best!

Sadly MLCer's go from "thrill to thrill", or high to high... which then seems to create more lows and lower then low.  Her feeling of well being will most likely be temporary and even more sadly, she will probably prefer to "share" this moment with anybody but you. 

Tell me Standing, has your wife done the "crying/sobbing" thing?  My h used to come home and literally crumble into my arms and sob.  He would curl up on the couch and fall asleep in my lap.  I never understood if it was a sympathy ploy or if he honestly was drawing some sort of strength from me.  Eventually, Ow convinced him he had to get away from me, I was like some sort of witch bending his mind and will to my foul purposes.  All of which was quite insane, because at that time, I had no idea there was another woman in his life.  I was a bit of a "stunn bunny" and refused to even go there..... ugggh...

How we all wish we could stop this for you, prevent this from getting any worse!   Stay strong, Standing but most.... be true to you!

hugs Stayed




 



« Last Edit: June 01, 2019, 06:59:02 AM by stayed »
Married 41yrs.
Reconciled July 5, 2006

"Don't be so open minded your brains fall out".  by Stephen A. Kallis, Jr.
"We believe marriage is sacred, but it is not our job to save marriages; it is our goal to empower each of you to save your own marriage."

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Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #35 on: June 01, 2019, 12:13:39 PM »
Hi Stayed,

Thank you for the kind words.
Crying/Sobbing...Well, sorta... but not really.  During the three R talks she broke down each time, but I'm not sure those count. Beyond those there have been no tears or sadness come out of her since BD five weeks ago..... More like an emotionless shell going thru the paces is how I would best describe her.

My W though has always held her emotions in check, it was very rare for her to cry (before all this). She would only cry when it built up and overpowered her. She viewed it as weak and felt stupid when she'd cry (this has increased as she climbed the corporate ladder). Over the last few years, maybe once or twice a year (2 tops) I'd ever see her cry..... and that was always in bed when we'd be talking, never in public.
Now when she's in the MBR with the door closed so I don't enter.... who knows. She could be crying her eyes out, but I don't think so. She has in the last year called herself a "b**ch" and a "cold b**ch" a few times. That isn't something to be proud of, and I don't think she's saying it to pat herself on the back.

-SS



W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #36 on: June 01, 2019, 03:30:24 PM »
My W's career took off around BD. She took on some special projects and put in the extra effort and got noticed and promoted.

Her career has gone well for the past three years since, but in the past few months, as she's become more and more depressed, she's become ambivalent about it and is starting to look around for a new job with less stress. I think it's kind of like a drug that isn't working anymore. In my case my W has tried just about everything to avoid facing what's broken inside her, including being superwoman at work.

That's my experience. But there's probably no way of knowing if your W will follow the same pattern or not. I have no advice for you but to listen to her when she talks about work - if she's excited or discouraged - and let her know she's been heard.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline hopeandfaith

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #37 on: June 01, 2019, 05:31:42 PM »
You're doing so well and although this is not a game, I think you are very much stacking the deck in your favour.  I never had a live-in so I can't imagine how hard it is to leave her alone as much as you are managing to do but I think it is the right thing to do too.  The thing is, we don't know how much we communicate with just our energy so even our sadness (as we bounce around trying to look happy) is felt.  Now that is totally confusing because their heads are supposed to be completely focused on themselves.  It must be a survival instinct because they seem to keep tabs on us too - making sure we are not moving on too much. 

Your little pep talk was right on the money if you ask me.  I laughed, I have had a similar "buckle up, this is gonna suck" conversation with myself too.  Getting yourself out and about and putting your head up to see whats going on in the world just helps to give a different perspective.  Be selective about what you do and who you hang with because the world is also pretty abrasive to gentle souls like you.  I think we see that darkness so much more easily when we are in a scared place ourselves so it is a balancing act for sure but one worth trying because it makes a big difference to your energy when you walk back through that door.

I am hoping that your wifes job is her affair.  It's quite possible, so fingers crossed.  As far as that future planning is concerned re moving out.  I agree with the others, it does happen but in my experience not very often.  The ow's are often behind that but I am not sure om's are domestic planners manipulators to the same level that ow's are.  Just guessing there. If she gets an om, there might be a new burst of energy again which prompts this.  As time goes on, they wear out and we get stronger.  You might have read that divorce and rash decisions are often made early on and then not followed through or fizzle out.  This is often when the LBS is struggling and begging the most which really feeds that need to run.  Since your handling this like a rockstar, I am hoping that that improves your odds.  I know there will be plenty of people on this forum cringing that I am saying this because it builds expectation.  My name is Hope and Faith so deal with it.......haha love you all and your loving 2 x 4's  ;)  At this point in time, she hasn't been able to plan where she is going to sleep and stick to it from one night to the next so I would put that thought in the bin for now.

Your w actually reminds me a little of me from what you said.  Not much of a crier and many thought that I would be the ultimate business woman.  I had 3 kids (surprise) that changed the course of that.  This MLC has kicked my butt and very slowly put me back in touch with my emotions.  I fought it every step of the way because I thought that if I gave in, it would take me over.  I also wanted to get in touch with my feelings and inner child but had no clue how to or if it even existed.  The draw to do it was there though.  I am now so grateful for the me that I see now.  I really like myself and if that is where your wife is headed, its a lovely lovely place.  Try and see this whole $h!te fight as an opportunity for her soul to really love herself.  It is also your opportunity to do the same.
BD's in May 09, Sept 12 - suspected OW
Left home Jan 12 2013
OW confirmed Feb 2013
Moved home April 11 2014
BD again in April 2017 - clinging. 
Moved out July 2017
D19, D17 and S15

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #38 on: June 02, 2019, 04:42:35 PM »
Never a dull moment eh?

Tomorrow is 21st anniversary. So curious if she mentions it in the morning or not.

In other news..... new behavior started yesterday..... dun, dun, dun!!!
I was in the shower and heard the front door open downstairs. Not usual, but not terribly concerning.... maybe she's doing somewhere. So I finish the shower, dry off and go downstairs. She had been painting a picture to relax. She's not there. Look around, she's in the backyard on the phone. In 21 years of M, I've never seen her take a call outside. Well, not the end of the world.... I go about my business.

Today before I go to the gym, there's a phone call. She grabs her phone and makes a beeline to go outside. Gone. So I'm just like... ok.... I'm going to the gym. Finish getting ready, is she in the backyard? Nope, she's gone to the park.... I notice the front door is unlocked, and since I'm leaving I lock the door and go to the gym.
Three hours later I get a text while at the gym "I'm locked out". It's been 19 days since she last texted me. Not a "could you come let me in", or something a little more pleasant. So I go home (she had to wait 40min, lol) and I unlocked the door. She sees me and says "You locked me out!!". What?
So now she's going to hide a key outside so if she takes off in a hurry, she can get back in..... or as she calls it "I forgot my keys".

Crazy.
Now get this. Normally she has a remote fitness session during this time. It lasts about an hour and a half. She was gone just shy of three. After she came in (and was happy), she says "I did my workout session at the park". It's hard enough to follow someone remotely on a laptop screen, with no wind, no noise, and a good microphone like she does normally. To do it in a park, on a phone.... with wind, noise and all that jazz.... and for twice the time? My A alarms are going off like crazy. Maybe I'm wrong, but if something doesn't make sense.... well.... that's disappointing.

Onward, upward, and thru this!!!
On a side note: my exercising is halfway to producing a 6 pack. I'm so excited. Never had one before and always wanted it.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #39 on: June 03, 2019, 03:34:02 AM »
Standing, you are doing very well indeed. Your response to the whole phone call outside/disappearing w/key thing was a detachment classic worth 500 points!!

Of course, the phone calls/park disappearance is a big flag of an EA if not a PA. You are smart and sensible enough to know that there isn't really another explanation for it that holds water...ha ha unless your w were normal and secretly planning a big surprise party for you  :). I'm sorry bc it adds to the suck factor of this but it seems to go with the turf. If I was a betting woman I'd say it was someone connected to her work probably...but you don't need to worry at it right now once you have accepted it is likely. The universe has a funny way of exposing the truth even when we don't look for it doesn't it?

And meanwhile,frankly, your evolving six pack sounds much more fun and important!
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #40 on: June 03, 2019, 04:48:38 AM »
I have to say, I got triggered just reading about the phone call and that means I also see a red flag there  :-\  It doesn't mean it is, in fact, what we suspect but better to be prepared for it because in MLC it would be common to have an A. 

I agree with Treasur, you are doing so well!  You seem to be quite detached, I wish I was like that at the beginning but I was quite the opposite.  I wouldn't expect anything for your wedding anniversary. Before my H walked out, I tried to celebrate or last anniversary..  My H behaved like a complete lunatic that day, lost his mind over his car having a minor issue and eventually I gave up trying to make the day special.. In hindsight, I think he was looking for excuses not to mark the occasion because he didn't care about the marriage anymore and he was probably feeling quite guilty about his EA.

Congrats in your progress with your 6 pack!  ;)                   
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #41 on: June 03, 2019, 09:49:01 AM »
Yeah the phone thing triggered my PTSD too. I hope it's nothing but it feels like a red flag.

Hanging around waiting for something bad to happen is the worst. I think the best thing to do is to work on your own lives - which you're doing well at - gold star for you!

I'm not going to give you any advice or tell you what to do on this subject, especially since I'm not a gold star recipient (participation ribbon only for me!), but here's what helps me. When my spidey senses are telling me something bad might happen, I think about what I would do when it does. I write down a plan of action. And then I try like hell not to think about it any more and get on with my own life. I can't stop it from happening and I have a plan in case it does, so there's really nothing more to think about, right? But that's my strategy and self-mindgame. You may come up with a better plan.

The thing is that each day has so many real, actual problems of their own. Worrying too much about something that may happen is a waste.

I also have a six pack. I keep it under my snack pack.  ;D
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline heroIam

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #42 on: June 03, 2019, 11:18:20 AM »
Hi Standing.
Catching up on your thread.
“In the end, you’ve got to be your own hero because everyone’s busy trying to save themselves.”

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #43 on: June 03, 2019, 07:55:23 PM »
Anniversary #21 is in the bag......

Wow about sums it up.
Soooooo..... this morning W tells me I should get up (very nice of her, she turned off the alarm) and as I was getting ready for work, she yells "have  a nice day" and was gone.
I was wondering if she'd mention the anniversary. Nope.

So I did make the nice dinner........ Filet Mignon double wrapped in bacon, Crag legs with drawn butter and crab cakes. All of it was perfect (I like to cook, and I'm good at it).
W comes home, an hour and a half later than normal.... and I see her for the first time today. She's beautiful, wearing a white dress.... it reminds me of Marilyn Monroe.. the white dress that famously blew up from the subway air. W's has the split top to make you look chesty, and a really nice flowing bottom part. Wow. I told her she looked really nice, twice (I couldn't help it..... whoah momma..... I dream about W, literally).
She asked what I was doing (very obvious... cooking).

So she goes up stairs, I keep cooking and have to go get something a few min later. She's in front of the dressing mirror with another chesty dress, this one a red/orange color with the bottom part only about 6 inches down from her crotch. Wow. She says "I'm wearing this tomorrow". What's next? Not wear underwear?

So I finish cooking. She appears and fixes a plate and says how nice this is.... and alludes to "why are you doing this?".
OMG..... she doesn't know it's our anniversary?!!?!? Really?!!?!??! Those darn space aliens!!!

So I say nothing and to her credit, she sits down at the dining table. I join her, and make light conversation. It was ok, and more talk than we've had recently. The food was amazing.
As we get close to done, I ask if she's done exercising (she is) and if she was going to go relax (she is). So I ask if she'd like to do anything together and if not then I'd be going to the gym.
She says it's up to you. I pause for a moment and she says "I know it's our Anniversary"........ YES!!! She does remember..... and then throws water on it with "It feels really weird..... really weird". I tell her that's ok.
Awwww crap. I know I threw in a happy anniversary in the middle of that too......
I feel the tension mount, the stress start to build, maybe a R discussion forming..... and I get the heck out of there. "I'm off to the gym". Leaving her at the table still eating crab. I can tell she was happy to be rid of me and the uncomfortable feeling and comes along with me.

So off to the gym..... come back an hour later. She's on the phone, and loud (in the MBR). She laughing, having a good time. I stop for a moment, she's talking about work stuff..... and there's a male voice on the line. Ah ha........ very interesting. Nothing I can do about it, so I go to my office and close the door. Can't hear anything now. Good.

I took the high road. Didn't abandon my manners, didn't wimp out and be a crap husband, threw her a bone multiple times...... the problem isn't me. I can look back and say I did the right thing for me. It's unfortunate she can't see or feel anything.

Zero expectations going in, and I wasn't disappointed.

Tomorrow's a new day.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #44 on: June 04, 2019, 12:42:08 PM »
SS... all I can say is wow. I really admire you for your detachment.

Quote
"I know it's our Anniversary" <snip>  "It feels really weird..... really weird"
From the cheap seats, this sounds like she's emotionally numb...  She knows it's your anniversary and she knows she should feel something but she doesn't.. Hence the "really weird" comment.. What I observed in my H was that he was able to interact with me as long as things did not get emotional... He was completely void of emotions, at least that's what I saw.. The difference between you and me is that I kept poking him because I thought he would snap out of it.... I was wrong  ::) 

H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #45 on: June 04, 2019, 01:41:24 PM »
I think OneDay may be right about the emotional numbness.

It sounds to me like you handled the anniversary as well as you could and you're doing especially well on detachment.

One word to the wise is just don't get too bogged down on trying to be perfect. You're a human being too and perfection is impossible. Living with an MLCer is an art more than a science. Besides, half of what she says now she won't remember later anyway.

Stay strong. You're doing great.

Have you got a mentor? If not, you might request one from Old Pilot. I think instructions are in the welcome letter from him.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #46 on: June 04, 2019, 01:51:02 PM »
SS... all I can say is wow. I really admire you for your detachment.

Quote
"I know it's our Anniversary" <snip>  "It feels really weird..... really weird"
From the cheap seats, this sounds like she's emotionally numb...  She knows it's your anniversary and she knows she should feel something but she doesn't.. Hence the "really weird" comment.. What I observed in my H was that he was able to interact with me as long as things did not get emotional... He was completely void of emotions, at least that's what I saw.. The difference between you and me is that I kept poking him because I thought he would snap out of it.... I was wrong  ::)

Yes!!! 100%!!!! No emotions, totally void..... that's my W.

She went on a zip-line in Canada several months ago during a business development trip.... she told me she felt nothing. No fear, no excitement, just nothing.She had never done that before either.
Totally void.

She sure was laughing and yacking it up on the phone last night though. It was nice to hear her laughter, too bad it wasn't with me (and probably with OM or potential OM).

So your's is the same way 1D, no feelings....... did he snap out of this aspect? Or that's still going on for you (him)?

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline One day at a time

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #47 on: June 04, 2019, 02:13:01 PM »
SS, I got the void of emotions H for about 7 months in 2017/2018, some days he did look depressed but mainly numb, withdrawn, distant.. He was well able to laugh and joke with other people though and I remember mentioning that to him and his response was "Well, I'm busy when I'm with other people and I don't have time to think!"  ???

Eventually I think he cracked under the pressure (my constant poking didn't help!) and he ran.. First to his parents house and then abroad.. While he was living with his parents, I got pity party from him every time I saw him but he would put on a mask for everyone else to show he was "happy with his choice".. I haven't seen him in 6 months since he moved abroad and our communication is by mail/text only and very brief so I'm not sure how he is now.. He's with OW and probably VERY happy... for now at least.  I can't see him liking his life choices for long but then again, that's based on the H I know, not the alien  ;)
H - 42 (40 @BD1)
M - 42 (40 @BD1)
Together 15 years, M 8 @separation
No kids
BD1 - 26th Aug 2017 (Not happy, life has no purpose, "we have problems")
BD2 - 22nd March 2018 (Marriage is over, we want different things, confessed EA with someone 12,000 kms away although "she means nothing")
H moved in with parents 11th May 2018 (I asked him to leave as couldn't handle the EA rubbed all over my face)
H moved abroad 29th Dec 2018, not sure if OW will join him or if they are still in contact.
Confirmation H is with OW in her home country  - 3rd June 2019

"One of the happiest moments in life is when you find the courage to let go of what you can’t change"

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #48 on: June 04, 2019, 02:16:10 PM »
I think OneDay may be right about the emotional numbness.

It sounds to me like you handled the anniversary as well as you could and you're doing especially well on detachment.

One word to the wise is just don't get too bogged down on trying to be perfect. You're a human being too and perfection is impossible. Living with an MLCer is an art more than a science. Besides, half of what she says now she won't remember later anyway.

Stay strong. You're doing great.

Have you got a mentor? If not, you might request one from Old Pilot. I think instructions are in the welcome letter from him.

A mentor? What a great idea  :D Thanks!
I think I'll see about that. I feel like I'm making a lot of mistakes, but I also know there's nothing I can do except not put the pressure I could potentially add.
It's all up to her and God.

Something I'm really having a hard time with is my darn wandering mind. I haven't learned how to interrupt my thoughts yet. I'm trying, but before I even know it, it's there again... going places it doesn't need to go. I stop, pray, yell at my mind to cut it out... and min later it's there again. Sheesh. And it runs threw for a few min before I can even stop myself again. Very frustrating.

-SS
« Last Edit: June 04, 2019, 02:22:44 PM by Standing Strong »
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline PJ Will Be OK

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #49 on: June 04, 2019, 04:42:21 PM »
Quote
Something I'm really having a hard time with is my darn wandering mind.
Join the club. When you figure out how not to monkeybrain, please explain it to me. I'm a lot better now, but I'm still struggling 3 years into this.

Here's one thing that has helped me a little. Sometimes I make appointments to obsess about things. For instance, when I'm on the bike at the gym or when I'm walking the dog. When intrusive thoughts come along, I'll tell them that they have an appointment Tuesday at 6 am (or whenever) and they'll have to wait for their appointment and that my brain is busy with something else. That helps me sometimes. Might be worth a try.
"I'm slowly learning to expect nothing and appreciate everything."

Together 28 years
Two adult kids, ours

BD #1: 2016 - EA
BD #2:  FA
W is still at home but says she's leaving.

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #50 on: June 04, 2019, 06:15:59 PM »
Quote
Something I'm really having a hard time with is my darn wandering mind.
Join the club. When you figure out how not to monkeybrain, please explain it to me. I'm a lot better now, but I'm still struggling 3 years into this.

Here's one thing that has helped me a little. Sometimes I make appointments to obsess about things. For instance, when I'm on the bike at the gym or when I'm walking the dog. When intrusive thoughts come along, I'll tell them that they have an appointment Tuesday at 6 am (or whenever) and they'll have to wait for their appointment and that my brain is busy with something else. That helps me sometimes. Might be worth a try.

Hahaha, that's fantastic. I like that.

I think tonight I caught a glimpse of what it must be like for them. All day my mind had been really bugging me. I had to work late and setup for this annual conference which runs the next two days (long hours). Anyway the setup had problems at the hotel, and people start getting ugly. I love high stress and problem solving, and went right into action.... fixing things, teaching people how to do things...... not one thought about W during those four hours.
It must be like that for them too..... Can't think about what's "real", gotta keep busy, silence the thoughts, silence the voices. It was a great feeling not having my mind wander... first time really since BD. I'm kinds euphoric right now, what a nice break it was.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #51 on: June 05, 2019, 12:21:00 AM »
Agree with everyone else about her emotional numbness...in a way, what she said was honest wasn't it? And agree with everyone else about the mind monkeys too. Glad you got a short break from them. Anyone who could create a mind monkey mallet would make a fortune!

On a less serious note, just wanted to say how nice it was to read your bloke-ish comments about the 'chesty' dress  :) I DO like that bit of the male mind, so it made me chuckle and reminded me of times when my h appreciated my own 'chesty' qualities lol. It was nice and my own chest has been rather unappreciated for a couple of years.  :)
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #52 on: June 06, 2019, 01:00:07 AM »
LOL, behavior change......

So she's using my tactics on me.....  :P

Tonight she let me know all these plans for every night this week and also for this weekend (so she won't be in the house). She contradicted herself within a sentence, so who knows what's going on in that mind...... but making plans so she won't be around day after day.... that's new. Normal?

She also started cleaning again like she used to (sort of). She mopped the floors at 9pm last night, they were "driving her crazy".
Nice to see an old behavior emerge. That's two nights in a row of messing with the downstairs floors.

As usual, anything work related and she holds that together no problem. She says she isn't sleeping good (and after getting her dream position..... actually she hasn't really talked about that at all since getting it).

On the surface it all seems minor...... but it really feels like the twilight zone to me.
She tries to do one thing, gets hung up on something else moments later. Seems sure about whatever she's talking about, then changes her mind moments later.
I guess they cycle like crazy too?

She's keeping the MBR door open at night until she does to bed. I haven't taken the bait, not once.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline megogirl

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #53 on: June 06, 2019, 06:05:40 PM »
She tries to do one thing, gets hung up on something else moments later. Seems sure about whatever she's talking about, then changes her mind moments later.
I guess they cycle like crazy too?


OMG....MLC script!  Back, and forth! 

I love you- I hate you, I want this - wait, no I don't....etc., etc!!!

Are you really surprised??

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #54 on: June 06, 2019, 08:49:00 PM »
Well, gimme some of that I Love you for a min  ;) I'll take that cycle  ;D

Actually what would be the best is "I want to work on this", I know that's a long way off.  :'(
Then I'd know she's willing to fight. Indifference it is..... for now. I'm blessed to have it, not complaining.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #55 on: June 06, 2019, 09:17:41 PM »
Oh Oh!!! I have a question:

When you W/H comes and says they want a Sep or D..... what is the best response?
RCR gives examples in her chapters that are versions of "NO".
I've seen others instruct, "I don't want this but I can't stop you" type thing.

I have NO desire for separation or D. None. Zero. I know it's hard to have them in-house especially once it gets bad..... but for her, I'd do it. I would still take a bullet for this woman, such as she is.
We don't have hardly any lines of communication for touch and goes later on if she leaves. No kids, only birds. Careers mean no shared friends. In a S or D, families would settle alone blood lines and not offer lines of communication.
Our only tie would be the parrots, but I think she'd just forget them or let go of them.

I hope it won't get there, but I'd like to have scripts ready.
On a microscopic level, seems like a tiny improvement....... which means absolutely NOTHING. So I'm trying to get ready for the next cycle down before it arrives.
I don't get the feeling S or D is really on her mind right now, but then again she could be searching for the other branch and this is just a calmer period.

Any insight or advise? I'm improving myself decently with her in the house, and we are keeping ourselves away from each other really well it seems.
She seems to want to bump into me as long as she isn't explicitly approaching me and as long as there's a easy way for her to retreat (I'm totally good with that).
She's trying to help a little here and there.... and I'm offering some help too and she's accepting. Right now I'm doing a load of laundry and she put a few things in there. A week ago and there's no way she'd let her clothes mingle with mine..... cooties or something.

-SS



W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #56 on: June 07, 2019, 09:03:11 AM »
Oh I have some really interesting info:

I've been searching for a friend who has seen a W MLC first hand. I work in a very high stress field and asked a two friends who have seen a lot during their careers.
On the surface, they didn't know what I was talking about.

Friend #1: Female in her mid 50's, single, attorney.
She said many of her friends divorced their H's around 40 and/or had all kinds of affairs. She hadn't put one and one together and had never considered MLC before.
She explained they thought it was "cleaning out old things and starting new ones". She seemed a little distressed when I told her a little about the process.
Interesting.

Friend #2: Male in his late 50's, married, attorney.
He really opened up and I learned a TON about my friend I never knew. He actually had a MLC in his late 30's (39) and blew thru two M's in the process. He did the A thing, was ugly to W#1 and W#2, he couldn't feel anything, confused, the whole nine yards. In his case he attributed what happened to a malfunction of his parathyroid. He had surgery and was instantly cured of the insanity. He had deep regret and admitted he was a total a@@ to his first two W's. He said he admired them, that they were so good and he was so bad. He sought help once he had burned up every option and nothing was left. Even then the judge told him he needed to go. He ended up at an inpatient facility for 6 weeks, and the doc there said "we need to check your hormones" that's how they found the parathyroid was jacked. They did the surgery and he said he was a new person instantly. He's married for the 3rd time and they are evidently doing great. I didn't think to ask when this surgery was done, but for sure at least several years ago. He described his madness as inability to feel, extreme inability to be happy, and he would think there was a fix to it: New jobs, lose weight, new W, all kinds of stuff.... none of it worked. He changed jobs 8 times always thinking it would help and never did. Interestingly enough, he hadn't put together that what he went thru was MLC. He just thought his hormones were jacked. He had a very troubled and difficult childhood. Counseling with W#1 didn't do anything. Psychologist during W#1 did nothing.

So, I have a new resource. A real former MLC'er..... too bad it's a male and not a female, but we take what we can get.
Is there anything people would like me to ask him? I only had about half an hour with him yesterday, but he's willing to help me any way he can.
Maybe I can ask him to join this board and interact with us.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline megogirl

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #57 on: June 07, 2019, 01:37:24 PM »
A real former MLC'er..... too bad it's a male and not a female, but we take what we can get.

Well, shockandawe's sister has just joined the fray, so there's your female view.

She's already provided some fabulous insight on shock's thread.
« Last Edit: June 07, 2019, 02:10:27 PM by megogirl »

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #58 on: June 08, 2019, 10:19:14 PM »
She continues to make microscopic gestures........

Showing me what she's working on, becoming a little more talkative, asking how my day was in a little more depth...... yeah I know it means nothing.

Darn if she isn't looking better and better to my eyes...... it's all right there, and I can't reach out and touch  :'(


Doing a little quid pro quo with her (I don't know if this is a bad thing or not), but it seems to be working on a microscopic level......
1. I'm thanking her for anything she does that benefits us both (Cleaning, etc.) and now she is starting to thank me for things I've been doing for us (she's is noticing maybe 5% of what I do, and that's ok... it's not for her.... and 5% is a heck of a lot more than 0%).
2. I've been asking more questions about anything she puts forth about her day..... and then compliment or ask more questions until she doesn't seem interested anymore, then I drop it wherever the conversation is and leave her alone. She is starting to ask more questions about my day (nowhere near what I do for her..... and that's ok).
3. She is starting to tell me what her schedule is a little bit...... still huge holes, and no texts and no phone calls..... but it's something. Boy if I tell here I'm doing anything she wants to know what it is and when it is. That makes me laugh.... LOL. She is reciprocating when I tell her I'm doing something, she'll tell me something she's going to be doing. I'm making sure I do some things without her knowledge... She's coming home to an empty house a lot now. She's eating cereal for dinner a lot now.
4. She's only closing the MBR door when she goes to bed now. A couple nights she left it cracked, but it's back to fully closed now. This is my fault, I started leaving my door open just to see if maybe we could have both doors open.... NOPE......LOL. Well, you have to experiment to learn.

So at this point I'm treating her as a friend, with no expectations, no demands, no stress and lots of space........

This may be a BIG no-no....... I can't help it....... Tonight when she came home, she had a picture frame she and her sister built today (she stayed the night at her sister's last night). It was a nice frame. She proudly showed me it. I complimented it several times and validated her pride in it. When she would turn to go get a cloth, or move it....... as her back was turned I would mouth "I love you"..... right there, so close to her..... it was as close to the real thing as is possible today. I have to admit, that was the best feeling I've had since this started.
I know my eyes give me away when I talk to her..... I give her "the blink" and I'm already doing it before I know I'm doing it...... we make eye contact and hold it..... BANG..... my smile goes up and I know I'm sending signals. Too early to pave the way, but at least she knows without me stressing her with words.

Detaching... yes. Loving her more...... I have to say yes. I know that's a conflict, I can't explain it. Even Monkey-Brain is getting a lot better..... how is it I'm loving her more?

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline AlvinTheMaker

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #59 on: June 09, 2019, 01:22:19 AM »
This may be a BIG no-no....... I can't help it....... Tonight when she came home, she had a picture frame she and her sister built today (she stayed the night at her sister's last night). It was a nice frame. She proudly showed me it. I complimented it several times and validated her pride in it. When she would turn to go get a cloth, or move it....... as her back was turned I would mouth "I love you"..... right there, so close to her..... it was as close to the real thing as is possible today. I have to admit, that was the best feeling I've had since this started.
I know my eyes give me away when I talk to her..... I give her "the blink" and I'm already doing it before I know I'm doing it...... we make eye contact and hold it..... BANG..... my smile goes up and I know I'm sending signals. Too early to pave the way, but at least she knows without me stressing her with words.

Detaching... yes. Loving her more...... I have to say yes. I know that's a conflict, I can't explain it. Even Monkey-Brain is getting a lot better..... how is it I'm loving her more?

-SS

That's pretty from my life (as is much of your story otherwise as well), but I'm only at 3+ months at BD so don't know how it goes on the long run....   Not sure if it's us growing or something in human psychology (craving something we can't have, or the pursuer within us mixing huge amounts hormones to make us feel what we feel)... But it just feels good to love and express love (in deeds, words etc) and expect absolutely nothing in return.

That said, I do acknowledge that based on distancer-pursuer psychological model even the slightest of expressions of love/relationship will add to their anxiety and block them deeper and deepre, which is why I try to detach/keep love within me - and just endure with "personal discomfort" .   If it's about to unlock some day, then time's our best friend... And if not, well, then we always have the love & memories within our hearts.
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19½ Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 22 Feb 2019
G19,G17,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 268 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #60 on: June 09, 2019, 08:26:17 PM »
Yuck..... I need some help tonight......

W got me in a R talk..... I did better then I have before, but I still SUCK at these.

I tried the whole "I'm sorry you feel that way" and all those type things (listen and repeat her feelings)... the thing is..... she teaches that kind of stuff in her job, and she saw right thru it and called it out instantly. "Why do you keep repeating how I feel", "You're not telling me how YOU feel".
She wouldn't let me get away either, I turn to leave a few times and each time...... "wait, we're not done".

I think she was trying to drop the D again. I know we don't believe anything they say, so I'll filter out all the crap and crying and pull out the nuggets.....

She was projecting all her feelings onto me, like we feel the same way. I corrected her each time......
Her                                                      My response
"I'm a terrible wife, a bad person"                        -    "I don't feel that way"
"I can't keep doing this                                       -  "This is a hard time"
"I can't see how we can stay married                   - "There are several ways to fix this
"Why aren't you getting Angry? It drives me crazy - "I'm not angry because I care"
"This can't go on like this"                                   - "We need time and space"
I don't see how this can be fixed                          - "There are several things we can do to fix this. When you are ready we can work on this, until then time and space"

I added a few things in there:
"I don't want our marriage to end"
"We can work on this together"
"This needs time"

She admitted:
That she blindsided me with the BD. She says it built up for years and she didn't tell me anything the whole time. She knows I'm scrambling.
That she's avoiding me, and leaving the house to be away. She knows I'm doing the same (sorta, but not really..... it's GAL and improvement).
That she "doesn't have much left in the tank and will be leaving soon"
That at the end of the month, she has travel one week and travel the next week... and she will just be gone in one big block just to be away.
That she can't see our marriage lasting.
That she isn't sleeping (can't fall asleep, can't stay asleep)
That her work is suffering... and that she goes to work and isn't happy there either. Admitted she isn't happy anywhere, or doing anything.

She was dismissive of things to help the sitch, in particular counseling. My feeling was she has no desire to do anything.
I was able to end the talk by saying (over and over) "Time and space until we will work on this together".
I got jammed up when she pushed on what the several things we could do together were, and so I said I'd get some together (there are several things I want.... I want her hormones tested, I want Christian counseling, I want anti-depressants, I want IC for her).

Did my best.... it was my best so far, but darn it was far from perfect. My W is really smart, and her job is dealing with people issues.... she could see right thru the deflections.

So as I see it....... S or D is incoming (as I suspected), I used the best script I could muster to try and head it off (it worked for tonight, but I don't think it'll last). She sorta agreed to work together (it was lip service, and she didn't explicitly agree).

I was dead calm and detached thru the whole thing..... it drove her crazy.

I'm dying on the inside right now......
Really need some help......

-SS


W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #61 on: June 09, 2019, 09:25:49 PM »
It is incredibly hard.

What used to be a team, where really any issue was able to be resolved is not there anymore.

How did it happen? How can this break be so opposite to what our lives once were together?

We can see the "solution"...we are willing to work and delve deeply into any issue that is facing us...but they will not....as they slip away we cannot understand any of it.

We understand. The plight of the LBS is that we share in this messy and horrible situation.

Today was Pentecost Sunday and a there was a hymn that expressed my feelings verses 7 and 8

"Cleanse our soiled hearts of sin, arid souls refresh within.
Wounded lives to health restore.

Bend the stubborn heart and will, Melt the Frozen, warm the chill
Guide the wayward home!"

I believe in showing our spouses unconditional and agape love....which means....understanding that they have to go..this is what they must do...some former MLCers have used an uncanny familiar phrase...that they had to leave or they would die....

Remember, it is not us, it is not our marriage...they are fighting for their lives..something is terribly wrong and broken....we are collateral damage.

You know the story, the waves are crashing into the boat and Christ is asleep..He will take care of her....that isn't your job anymore.

Your job is to take care of you....letting Christ lead you..keeping your eyes focused on Him.

Try and get some rest.

You and your wife are in my prayers.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #62 on: June 09, 2019, 10:14:46 PM »
Ungh...... I'm really breaking down tonight......

I thought there would be more time.... I thought the space I was giving would help.....

I really.... REALLY wanted this to happen in-house..... I'm so crushed.... I'm devastated actually.....

Well, I guess mine isn't a low-energy MLC'er......... she's not going to stick around.

At least I've called into work, I don't see any sleep in my future tonight.

I think tonight is the lowest I've ever felt, in my life..... I realize my W is leaving. Maybe counseling would delay, or some other service..... but my W is leaving..... God help me.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline AlvinTheMaker

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #63 on: June 09, 2019, 11:06:37 PM »

I think tonight is the lowest I've ever felt, in my life..... I realize my W is leaving. Maybe counseling would delay, or some other service..... but my W is leaving..... God help me.


I don't know if these words will comfort, but these thoughts are something that brought me "back" from the abyss of mental meltdown after I first time "foresaw" the same possibility as you...   Do not relive the past as it cannot be changed.  Do not worry the future as it has not yet happened and nobody can predict what it will be truly alike. Keep focus on present moment, as that is what is happening now and that is where you planting the seeds for tomorrow/future; and hold those present moments dear. 

Though I'm only few months further in the process than you, I've lived through "she's going' moments three times...  And she's still here with me. She's not gone yet.  Anything can happen that either speeds, slows or possibly changes her plans totally.  Just focus on right here, right now; and be grateful for all the good you right now have.  That is best for you, best for her.
« Last Edit: June 09, 2019, 11:43:35 PM by AlvinTheMaker »
Together - 20½ Years, Married 19½ Years
M: 43, W: 41 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 22 Feb 2019
G19,G17,G14,G12,S5

On LBS diet: started at 281 lbs, now 268 - goal is to lose 66 lbs while being suck at this

Offline SailingAway

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #64 on: June 09, 2019, 11:11:12 PM »
You are strong.

It hurts so much. I know. If only we could close our eyes and fast forward through the pain.

I sometimes ask myself if tomorrow will be worse than today.

But know you are strong and you can do this.
M 39
H 40
Together 20yrs
Married 11yrs
S 10
S 8
BD Jul/Aug 2018

Offline Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #65 on: June 10, 2019, 12:39:23 AM »
Breathe, my friend.
Your w is playing out the MLC textbook like she wrote it. And they cycle.
And so will you. Right now I suspect you are mentally flailing between feeling completely in despair and coming up with 'what if I do/say' options like throwing spaghetti against a wall.

So I am going to remind you of the basics.
Your w is in crisis...you did not cause it, you can't fix it and she does not want your help and probably blames you for it bc that is easier than dealing with her own stuff. Neither love nor logic will reach her.
She will do whatever she chooses to do and she will not care about the impact of that on anyone else including you.
She may look like your w but in reality she is not your w right now. She is a creature of emotion and most of it isn't good...depression, anger, bile, resentment, fear, blame...or of numbness when she feels nothing really.

ALL you can do is open your hand and let go, let God take her, and look after yourself now.
Any R talks are a waste of time and will probably hurt you. Rationally from the outside so much of the conversation is MLC nonsense. Easier to see from a distance though...you/your m are responsible for the fact she can't sleep, feels numb, work is suffering, isn't happy anywhere or with anything...well, you must have some magic powers if you have that much control on another human lol. And the 'don't see how it can be fixed' so don't want to try thing? Yup, she might as well be wearing an MLC hat. Same for prodding you about not getting angry...she doesn't care about how you feel, she's not listening, she just wants a reaction that she can use to justify how SHE feels. Bc a bit of her knows it makes no sense and if she can blame you, it might.

You don't have to stop caring ABOUT her but you do need to stop caring FOR her. Why? Bc MLCers use our normal love and concern as a weapon and they lie and twist things. Mostly bc this is her challenge to figure out. There is no WE anymore. I'm sorry. I know it is not what you want and it is painful to see someone we love trash their life and marriage. But it seems that MLCers only learn the hard way and it takes a long time. Years.

Right now all the bits of your life that are connected to your w are simply unknown.

So, by all means, love her quietly in your heart but detach like a reversing train now. Ora ship pulling away from the jetty. Imagine a growing gap of blue water between you. Try to see letting her go as an act of love and respect.
Which means teaching yourself to live again as a ME not a WE for a while.
And that probably includes learning to calmly say 'No' more...so she may not be 'done' in a conversation, but if you are, you have the right to say so politely and end it. Bc you prioritise protecting yourself from further harm over caring about what your w wants.

Self care will help you survive this, my friend. Google the Virginia Satir selfcare mandala. Do an inventory of what you need and make plans to do things that will help you regardless of what your w does so GAL becomes an investment rather than a distraction. Turn to your faith. Get an IC perhaps to support you as you adjust to this difficult situation. And get L advice if you have not done so already.

I don't know if your w will move out or not. Most do but not all. Many talk about it but take a long time to actually do it. Some go, come back, go, come back....
What I will say is that your fear of it is probably bc a bit of you believes that if she stays, this will turn out to be a hiccup not a life altering event. I'm afraid to say that it is already that though and her physically staying can't unring that bell. And MLC behaviour seems to get worse before it gets better.
What you do gain when they leave though is some peace from living in an undeclared war zone, from the anxiety of walking on eggshells and some distance from watching their rollercoaster.

My last thought....and I think I was as low in the pit of despair as it is possible to be.....it is hard but you will get through this, you will be ok again and this too shall pass. You are in my prayers tonight.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2019, 12:48:49 AM by Treasur »
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #66 on: June 10, 2019, 05:58:29 AM »
Just reading your words made me remember....it seemed to take forever to feel better.....and that is totally understandable...because we are losing our love, and we have no say in it.

The pain isn't something that you can just shut down....it is normal and natural to feel grief....there are so many levels of this.

Some concrete things that helped me:

I listened to Christian music..certain songs such as "Be Not Afraid" and I would cry, so many tears. Kitty Cleveland, Danielle Rose and a song called Blessings by Laura Story:

We pray for blessings
We pray for peace
Comfort for family, protection while we sleep
We pray for healing, for prosperity
We pray for Your mighty hand to ease our suffering
All the while, You hear each spoken need
Yet love is way too much to give us lesser things

'Cause what if your blessings come through raindrops
What if Your healing comes through tears
What if a thousand sleepless nights are what it takes to know You're near
What if trials of this life are Your mercies in disguise

We pray for wisdom
Your voice to hear
We cry in anger when we cannot feel You near
We doubt your goodness, we doubt your love
As if every promise from Your Word is not enough
All the while, You hear each desperate plea
And long that we'd have faith to believe
When friends betray us
When darkness seems to win
We know that pain reminds this heart
That this is not our home
What if my greatest disappointments
Or the aching of this life
Is the revealing of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy

What if trials of this life
The rain, the storms, the hardest nights
Are your mercies in disguise

Songwriters: Laura Story
Blessings lyrics © Capitol Christian Music Group

I walked every day, went to the gym, made sure I was physically active.

When I couldn't eat, I had smoothies..at one point I needed to drink Ensure as I had lost weight and had no appetite.

I took Benadryl at night to help me sleep.

I had regular massages.

I talked to some trusted friends...I needed to talk..they were a gift as they listened endlessly.

I journaled. Came here and read everything I could.

I prayed.

You will get through this. You are not alone. Her crisis will throw you but you will regain your steadiness again. It will take time..you will hate that word  >:(

Allow yourself to feel and the body, in it's wisdom will find a way to heal.



"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #67 on: June 10, 2019, 05:59:23 AM »
Hi Treasur, Alvin, xyz and SA,

Last night was so terrible..... I'm so happy to be thru it.
I couldn't deal with myself, and I was trying so hard to maintain control.

I can see that I need to let her go..... I'm hurting her by trying to keep her. And I need to give her to God.

How do I do this?!?!?! She's effectively tell me she needs to go. She's been telling me for weeks.
I so don't want a D...... this is going to wreak me financially but I can hold on (barely).
The next time she wants to talk, do I tell her if she needs to go.... then go? I'm a little lost here..... I don't want to come across as throwing her out, it's her choice.
If she does go (and she will), then she chooses everything? Separation or D? I don't want to D..... Do I get to say separation?

Then she'll find a place (I'm not leaving), and I'm guessing take some of her stuff? All of her stuff? I'm not helping her move.
We still have a year on the lease of this house.... we haven't split our finances yet, I thought there was still some time. Then there's health insurance (I supply it), visitation of the birds, storage....
How is all this approached?

Thank you so much..... last night was sooooo hard......

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Silver

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #68 on: June 10, 2019, 06:11:02 AM »
SS, I'm very sorry.

Though it hurts so incredibly much, the only thing you can do right now is to let her go. To have her journey, wherever it ends.
While she is, you have to take care of yourself in every possible way my friend.
We have all been there, we all survived it and continued our lives, the pain won't be like this forever.
Live from one moment to next one, take care of essentials. Talk to someone you trust.

Letting her go doesn't mean you are making decisions with her, it's her's, she knows yours and she is responsible of her's.

If she is leaving, leave the decisions to her and focus on protecting your finances.






"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline xyzcf

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #69 on: June 10, 2019, 06:11:55 AM »
Good morning Standing..I just wrote on your thread as you were posting..it's right above your latest post.

Here is my take on some of your questions.

I obtained a legal separation. He was dead set on leaving and was going to a different country and the legal separation divided all our assets the same as a divorce would and allowed me to remain on his health insurance. It also meant that neither of us could remarry so to me it was the least of the evils.

In the past, we used to say let them take all the responsibility for the legal stuff but that has led to the LBSer losing financially. I was so scared that if I did something legally, he would never return. I have a friend who was divorced and her marriage annulled and they are remarried now.

My husband and I went around the house and created an excel spreadsheet of what each of us would take....he has yet to take any of his stuff from our home but mainly because he has a very different lifestyle and no need for anything. I stayed in the house that we had owned prior to BD.

One good thing that helped after the legal stuff was finished was that I knew what I had to live on, and was able to make some decisions based upon that. But it was such a hard thing to do, and expensive and every time I have to touch those papers, I still get nauseated.

I would say to be proactive in making sure that you get the best settlement possible..she wants to go, then there is a price she will have to pay for her "freedom"..not saying to not be fair...but make sure you are clear what you need to continue along your own journey.

"Now faith is being sure of what we hope for and certain of what we do not see" Hebrews 11:1

"You enrich my life and are a source of joy and consolation to me. But if I lose you, I will not, I must not spend the rest of my life in unhappiness."

" The truth does not change according to our ability to stomach it". Flannery O'Connor

https://www.midlifecrisismarriageadvocate.com/chapter-contents.html

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #70 on: June 10, 2019, 07:44:41 AM »
I don't understand..... how does splitting work though???

She says she wants to go...... I just say "ok, go"????
I guess that's where I'm hung up right now.

I don't understand the mechanics. I know she has to do the leg work of performing the act of leaving and then actually leave.

I just feel like she's asking for permission, or maybe trying to let me down without destroying me (too late).
Whichever way (or neither being the truth) what do I do right now? How do I respond?

-SS



W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #71 on: June 10, 2019, 08:00:42 AM »
I really don't want to come home and she's just gone..... that's what her mom did. I don't want that to happen to me.

I know we shouldn't have R talks, and I don't want any. Do you sit down with your MLC'er and hash it out when it comes to this?
I'm so completely lost.

I'm thinking of going and setting up a separate account today and transfer some of our money into it.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Online Disillusioned

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #72 on: June 10, 2019, 08:17:52 AM »
When I set up a separate account and moved exactly 50% of the money over, STBXW went full on Monster, threw our D7 in the car and raced to the bank, while screaming obscenities at me on the phone on the way over; finally exposing our D to her craziness (previously everything was behind closed doors) and making D think that Daddy was a horrible person.   She definitely endangered D in the process.  When she got back, I was told the "gloves were off."   ::)

I'm not advising you not to do it; I think it's necessary.   I'm just trying to prepare you for one possible reaction.

M=51
W=47
D=8
BD Feb 17 Thinking of divorce
Atomic BD June 17 Spying revealed OM at work
Still home.  Threatened to leave several times and has asked me to leave about a dozen. 
Says divorce proceedings will start Jan 18.
She has scheduled mediation Feb 7,  2018
I moved out March 16, 2018
Several mediations, mostly instigated by me.  Foot dragging by STBXW.  Nothing filed. Yet.
STBXW filed D behind my back.

Offline Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #73 on: June 10, 2019, 08:26:09 AM »
I don't understand..... how does splitting work though???

She says she wants to go...... I just say "ok, go"????
I guess that's where I'm hung up right now.

I don't understand the mechanics.

I'm going to assume that you mean what you say here.
You are an intelligent sane adult....so my best advice to you is to recognise that saying this means you are in a state of panic and fear, the kind that stops your brain working the way it normally does.
Which sucks but is not uncommon for most of us at times.

But you need your brain back, my friend.
So you need to do whatever you can to reduce the feeling of panic....breathe, go for a long walk, go to the gym...basically anything healthy that calms your brain down...count backwards from 1000, do something manual that needs your attention.

Let me be your spare brain for a moment while you do that...

1. Your w may or may not move out. You don't know when, where or what plans she has or if she will file for divorce or if there is an om etc etc. So, until you know, there is no point speculating on all the what ifs. Your w will probably have an MLC kind of plan e.g. a shortsighted onevthat is very me me and doesn't think about the boring practical stuff or you at all.

2. It is not your job to think or plan on her behalf. But there are enough warning signs that it is sensible for you to start thinking about your plan b on YOUR behalf. Get a piece of paper and write down all the practical stuff which is currently joint or paid by one and used by another. And in brackets after each one, make a note about whose name it is in. Everything from housing costs to Netflix, health insurance to the Amazon account. Then get another piece of paper and write down the bare minimum of things you need living singly....which should lead you to a draft 'to do' list if/when you need plan b.

3. Make an appointment for an initial bit of information gathering with a L ASAP. Right now. Pick up the phone right now. Don't tell your w. And don't feel you need to act on it but you need objective advice right now about the law where you live, the implications if your w moves out, your legal obligations/rights and any rookie mistakes in a separation that you need to avoid. The info from #3 will help along with basic info about your joint and individual finances. Take copies of relevant docs plus anybsentimental valuables and keep them in a safe place, maybe outside the house. MLC spouses steal as well as lie unfortunately. I hope your w doesn't but you are in the game of building an Ark right now rather than watching the weather forecast  :)

4. Please don't think you have to come up with a plan that covers everything...some things will still be a bit uncertain, nature of the game. You just need to focus on the legal/financial basics and your mental and physical health. Other things like pets etc will unfold with time.

5. Breathe. Truly this is hard and crazymaking but you will survive it. Breathe and pray. And keep posting so we can support you the best we can.

And I agree with Dis....if your instinct (rather than your fear or your anger) is telling you to set up a separate account and move 50% of the money, do so. But there will probably be some kind of reaction. Which is not a reason to not do it but a reason to do it in a clear headed way for the right reasons imho. Tbh if you can get L advice asap first, I might set up the separate account but hold on transferring the money until I had spoken to a L.

You feel lost bc you don't know what's going to happen so your system is on high alert for metaphorical lions. And that is swinging you around like a top....which is why you need to breathe, calm your mind and focus on factual stuff bc it will help you feel as if you have a little more sense of control over your own life.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #74 on: June 10, 2019, 08:43:23 AM »
PS also wanted to say that Fear makes us assume the worst. Which may or may not turn out to be what happens. Being able to Stand also is a benefit of being able to detach and calm your own mind down so you don't add extra damage inadvertently to either of you. Often knowing that you have the info you need, that you have a plan b even if you hope you never need to use it, is enough to remind you that you will cope whatever happens.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline In the valley

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #75 on: June 10, 2019, 09:03:46 AM »
Hello Standing,
I just noticed your thread.  I'm sorry you're going thru this.

I wanted to comment on what you noted in the beginning about all the anti marriage propaganda out there.  It's horrible!!!  It really bothers me and I'm kind of at the point, I'm just ready to sit back and watch the destruction unravel because so many people's heads seem to be in there bum on this topic.  I mean that I've lost motivation to try and speak out against it when I hear/see it. 

I know mine had a lot of influence from her divorced friends, telling her how she'd be so much better off and oh your husband did x or y, then just throw the marriage away, don't worry about the kids.  The worst one she actually told me was "people get divorced all the time", like oh no big deal it won't bother the kids because everyone is doing it or something.  It also seems to be directed at encouraging woman to dump their husbands.  I have the two boys and both tell me they're never getting married or having kids after seeing what their mom did to me.  I feel terrible because I think marriage could/should be a really good thing.  I don't know what to tell them because they're right! in this environment it's a huge risk for a man to get married.  Not only are laws stacked against us it's like a whole destroy the family attack the man campaign.

Hang in there. 
   
M39, W38, D16, S14, S13 at BD. 20yr together married 18
Said I love you every night before bed good physical R
8/31/17 filed for D, left papers at house for me to find. Didn't come home or answer phone.
Moved to her parents house 2 doors down.
9/15/17 discover OM and PA she had the night of BD.
OM 12yr older unemployed in NY city met online leaving to marry him.  Said "I've done things for others my whole life time for me to do something for me", "I deserve to do what makes me happy!"
10/31/2017 left for good.
D final 12/21/2017
Returned once 3/28/18 to visit family.
Convinced D to leave and live with her 6/4/2018
Boys both live with me don't talk to mom.

Offline megogirl

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #76 on: June 10, 2019, 09:10:44 AM »
I know mine had a lot of influence from her divorced friends, telling her how she'd be so much better off and oh your husband did x or y, then just throw the marriage away, don't worry about the kids.  The worst one she actually told me was "people get divorced all the time", like oh no big deal it won't bother the kids because everyone is doing it or something.  It also seems to be directed at encouraging woman to dump their husbands.  I have the two boys and both tell me they're never getting married or having kids after seeing what their mom did to me.  I feel terrible because I think marriage could/should be a really good thing. 

THAT!
 
Mine downplayed it too, I think they all do actually, to justify their actions.

One of the things that really inspired my Stand were RCR's words: "Would you rather your children see that relationships aren't alway easy, but they can be healed?"

BOOM!

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #77 on: June 10, 2019, 09:47:40 AM »
Thank you for the great advise..... I'm doing what I can today.

I still have my H instincts..... I called my church and asked for a referral to a Christian counseling service. They got me one. Low and behold they aren't MLC experts (imagine that). They were able to refer me to two Christian Psychiatrists, they haven't returned my calls yet. Better to have some information than zero. I don't think any of them will be used.

So I'm going to make sure I put the choice on her, and not help in any way the destruction of our M. Her choice. Her decision. End the conversation after that. What comes after is also her decision, and I'll pick up the pieces and survive..... and then later, thrive.

My poor broken W. It's going to be a long road ahead...... time for the first real step....

"Follow the yellow broke road....Follow the yellow broke road......."
[Chorus]
"Follow the yellow broke road!! Follow the yellow broke road!!! Follow, Follow, Follow, Follow, Follow the yellow broke road!!!!"
[sigh]

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #78 on: June 10, 2019, 10:03:03 AM »
Ok, good...you sound calmer now.
It's ok to recognise that you need to protect yourself emotionally and practically. Maybe think of it less as protecting yourself from your w, but from the darkness of her crisis.
And you can still do that without helping her destroy any of her life or your marriage. Let her carry her own load including her own mistakes...just a different kind of love.
Keep the faith, my friend. Proverbs 3:5-6 as a wise soul mentioned on another thread x
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #79 on: June 10, 2019, 10:18:19 AM »
I just got a call back from the Christian Psychiatrist... gave her a quick rundown.... she seemed totally lost. Seemed like she's never heard of this before. Wants to hear from W so she understands the whole story and not just my side (fair enough).

These are mental heath professionals.... and they are clueless. WOW.
It should be: "Oh, MLC.... is she doing this, this and this? Yes we have a treatment for that."

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #80 on: June 10, 2019, 11:16:04 AM »
Has your w agreed to MC, Standing? The track record in the early stages is pretty poor from the stories here. And your w might see it as just more pressure if it isn't her idea first. Would it not be better to see this person as just your IC? Or if your first instinct is that she seemed lost, maybe find someone else to support you? Probably an IC with a Jungian background or someone who works with trauma from my experience.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #81 on: June 10, 2019, 11:27:30 AM »
Hi T,

She was the first one to bring it up (BD #3) but hasn't pushed or been serious about it. Just a mention.
Last night (BD#4) she brought it up again when I said there were things we could do to fix this. She brought it up and was dismissive of it (like it's a bad idea). It was her idea, I haven't pushed it at all.

I was just trying to see if it does have any value, and if there were any nearby which are Pro-Marriage. I've been worried she'd go see some "Girl-Power" IC and be justified and validated to run out the door.
At the very least I was hoping that if she goes, she could get help in healing with her childhood mess and maybe get some drugs. I know, that's not been proven to help. I'll probably just let it go and give it to God. I'm such a fixer.

I'm doing M coaching calls with the Divorce Busting people (the first help I found). If she does leave, I'm not sure what to do.... I was going to sign up with RCR's coaching, but if W's gone I guess that would mean coaching for mirror-work and not MLC work?

I'm not sure what Jungian is.

-SS

W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Father5

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #82 on: June 10, 2019, 11:41:15 AM »
Hi Standing ,

   Also please realize she will use what the IC says as justification to leave. Either the counselor will flat say she wants out to be happy so go be happy or your wife will say something like " I tried everything even counseling wouldn't help". I would let your wife lead and stop any and all relationship talks all together.

  Don't solve her problem for her let her do it on her own. If she leaves she leaves because she has to. I don't believe there is anything you can do to stop it. Don't mention leaving or bring it up EVER. Let her solve HER problem.
Together 12 yrs Married 5
5 kids 3- Step (21) (20) (18) Two together ( 8 ) (9)
BD1 March 2018 - I wish I could give you more of what you need
BD2 Aug 2018 - I want a divorce sent by text ILWYBNILWY

O/M Discovered Nov-18

Offline Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #83 on: June 10, 2019, 11:47:14 AM »
Ok, fwiw from the cheap seats...
Your w doesn't want to do MC. If she did, she would have followed up on it and not pooh-poohed it. Thinking that your w might get x or y from it, or to avoid her seeing the 'wrong' kind of IC...I'm sorry my friend but that is you doing a fine blend of Hopeful Spaghetti and passive control. Imho, it's a bad idea. The only folks here who have gained from MC are when both people choose to go and later in the process when the MLC spouse no longer blames you or the marriage for everything.

Letting go is also about letting your w figure out if SHE thinks she needs professional help and deciding for herself what kind of help she wants. Jmo.

So, back to you. What is happening to you is life-shaking and you are showing signs to me of a pretty high level of anxiety. Perfectly normal for an LBS. On top of that, your w is on the crazy train but a lot of people in RL won't get that. Plus I think you want to Stand which is hard. And you need to develop some new skills to look after yourself while you Stand. It is about you deciding if you think your own IC would help you and if so what kind of help you need. I mentioned two types...and most countries/states have professional lists where you can see their specialities and experience although your instinct on chemistry matters too.

 Jungian are therapists who will understand some of the MLC concepts of an existential crisis producing a 'shadow self' trying to resolve unfinished early developmental issues bc a lot of the core work on MLC was originally based on work by the psychiatrist Jung. Folks who specialise in trauma imho are really helpful for LBS whose world has been turned upside down. The other kind of therapists that can be useful are those who specialise in attachment theory or the EFT work by Sue Johnson who wrote the book 'Hold Me Tight'. So there are lots of different types of therapists...what matters is that you see it as a decision FOR you and ABOUT what you need. Any IC will only work with the client in the room and right now that would be a YOU not a WE. Jmo.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline megogirl

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #84 on: June 10, 2019, 11:59:32 AM »
"Follow the yellow broke road....Follow the yellow broke road......."
[Chorus]
"Follow the yellow broke road!! Follow the yellow broke road!!! Follow, Follow, Follow, Follow, Follow the yellow broke road!!!!"


It is so funny that you brought up "The Wizard of Oz", because I have often thought about how MLC directly mimics that story.

Protagonist is dissatisfied with their drab life and just wants to GET AWAY.  Protagonist does exactly that, entering into a fantasy-world where everything is bright and shiny.  Protagonist begins a journey and meets several people along the way, including the Wizard (alienator) whom, the protagonist believes, can solve all of their problems.  Turns out the Wizard/alienator is superficial and phony, and protagonist eventually sees that they have been conned.

In the end, protagonist realizes that everything they ever wanted was at home and right in their own backyard.
« Last Edit: June 10, 2019, 12:08:41 PM by megogirl »

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #85 on: June 10, 2019, 12:56:17 PM »
Ok.... no professional help. She can figure it out for herself.

Wait and see if she leaves or not. I'm not moving out of MBR. It's all on her. I don't want S or D.... I've made my wants known. No more talks about it.

Just curious..... so these talks happen as the pressure builds and then pops.
What happens when she's ready to pop and I won't talk to her? She pops on someone else? OR is this when monster comes out? I haven't seen the real monster yet.... just ugly words during R talks, and those dead black glassy eyes (only in parts of BD#1 - BD #3.... only glimpses). I think prisoner is in there and she's fighting to lessen the worst blows..... but she doesn't have much strength or courage.

-SS

W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline megogirl

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #86 on: June 10, 2019, 04:26:55 PM »
I haven't seen the real monster yet.... just ugly words during R talks, and those dead black glassy eyes (only in parts of BD#1 - BD #3.... only glimpses). I think prisoner is in there and she's fighting to lessen the worst blows

Ohh...I daresay you have already (unwittingly) met the Monster!

Because the Monster isn't always necessarily "nasty."  At times, it can be quite charming!  A rather endearing personality....but, like everything else in MLC, it's artificial.  You, in no way, can trust the Monster.   

I can't believe that I am typing these (very true) words.  Because I feel like a firetrucking lunatic....
« Last Edit: June 10, 2019, 04:28:25 PM by megogirl »

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #87 on: June 10, 2019, 06:19:41 PM »
I haven't seen the real monster yet.... just ugly words during R talks, and those dead black glassy eyes (only in parts of BD#1 - BD #3.... only glimpses). I think prisoner is in there and she's fighting to lessen the worst blows

Ohh...I daresay you have already (unwittingly) met the Monster!

Because the Monster isn't always necessarily "nasty."  At times, it can be quite charming!  A rather endearing personality....but, like everything else in MLC, it's artificial.  You, in no way, can trust the Monster.   

I can't believe that I am typing these (very true) words.  Because I feel like a firetrucking lunatic....

Really?!? Monster isn't just ugly?!? So this alternate weirdo I keep running into is actually monster? Oh wow.... that actually explains a lot.
I heard her sobbing (and I mean sobbing) to herself in the next room after BD/R #4 last night. That's what's left of my W isn't it? Prisoner......

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline megogirl

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #88 on: June 10, 2019, 06:35:01 PM »
SS....your sobbing XW was most likely in Prisoner-mode.  Because that personalty is broken, and totally desperate.

"Monster" is also cunning.  So, you never "really" know.

I would say to just "trust your instinct" about what you heard from her.  Because I believe that you just KNOW their voice.  They wail, like PLEASE HELP ME - weirdly reminiscent of Regan in "The Exorcist." 

Just my two cents xxx
« Last Edit: June 10, 2019, 06:37:40 PM by megogirl »

Offline Thunder

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #89 on: June 11, 2019, 02:23:40 AM »
Hi Standing,

I agree with everything Father5 said.
Counseling will not help her and sometimes even makes it worse.  But it may be helpful for you.

Relationship talks don't work because she is not thinking rational and most of the time she will only say things to get an argument going so she can justify why she wants out.  See all you do is fight, we can't get along anymore.

Yes she may blow because you're not giving her what she wants...an argument, but stay calm and just listen.  If she says something you don't agree with don't try to explain yourself, she doesn't care.  You're better off learning to say.."I'm sorry you feel that way" nothing more.
It shows her you heard her but you are not agreeing or disagreeing.

Not all MLCer's are Monsters, mine never was.  She may not either.
Just be calm, polite and friendly around her but give her a lot of space.   If she tries to bait you, walk away.
Now I said friendly.  Friendly like you would be with a neighbor or a distant relative.  Not friendly like you would with a good friend, because she is not your friend right now.  Trust me.

Try to get some sort of exercise to keep anxiety down.  Go for long walks, or work out at a gym, maybe take up running...anything that will help keep anxiety low.
Most of all take time for yourself.

None of this is easy, Standing.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #90 on: June 11, 2019, 07:46:53 AM »
Thank you all, so very much appreciated.

So, I have a new behavior to report...... it's these new things that trip me up. You get a handle on how things are, and then there's something new (LOL).

So she hasn't texted or called in weeks (I'm used to that)..... and she travels a lot (also nothing new).
She was on travel yesterday (one of her normal day trips to Denver)..... and didn't come home.
No call, no text, no mention..... her normal overnight bag is still here..... but her medication is not. I can see she's still up in Denver on the phone tracker.

This doesn't stress me, it does make me shake my head.
This type of behavior is getting steadily worse. I should be ready for her to just disappear for days (or week/s) on end? I'm guessing that's coming soon.

She told me (only once) she would have a trip today, and I don't think she even meant to tell me. She gave that up because I have to be on the road for two days next week.
We have parrots, and I don't travel much but I do travel. Now I wonder if I'm going to need to hire/ask someone to go feed them. My poor little babies, they are very attached to her.... and they have the intelligence of a human 3yo. They sure don't understand (but at least they have their daddybird). I've been buying them lots of toys to try and help.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Thunder

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #91 on: June 11, 2019, 09:15:27 AM »
Aw, poor babies.  I'm glad you're buying them new toys and treats.

Worse case scenario, one day she doesn't come home.  You should be prepared and know what you will do.  Maybe check with a lawyer about this, just so you know your options.

Standing unfortunately you will have no control over what she does, she's checked out.  Fog rolls in and poof goes their brain.  They have no clue that there is another person in the marriage who just might wonder where they are.

They get so self-centered all they care about is themselves.  Some don't care about their kids, or their pets.  They are a responsibility.  They don't want that.

You really can't do anything about it because if you do it will anger her, checking up on her and only make matters worse.  See now you don't trust me!
I'm sorry but the best thing you can do is try to live your life "as if" she isn't coming back, but be sure you are protecting yourself, in every way.

Now you may get to a point eventually where you want her to leave because the stress is too much, and that is your choice to make.  Some of them use the house as if it has a revolving door on it and that gets old.

Sadly we can't make them want to be with us, but if you work on yourself and GAL (get a life) it is more attractive then pining away for her.  Show her your strength.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #92 on: June 11, 2019, 09:29:40 AM »
Don't chase her. Don't text. Don't even ask bc if you do, she will lie or rub your face in some horrible truth. No win for you. If she comes back and prods you why you weren't concerned.... ::)...just say something simple like oh I just presumed your work stuff ran into a problem and you were super busy'. Then walk away.
Think of her as an unreliable house share you don't much like. Have no expectations. Ask her for no help with anything important...so yes, I'd find someone to 'parrot sit' when you travel, for instance. Again if she challenges you just say 'well I know work is really busy for you right now so I thought it would make life easier'

Thunder is right though. You do need to go and get some L advice if you are even half thinking that one day she will just leave and not come back. You need to get that info now rather than having to run round to get it in a panic or under time pressure. Jmo.
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Shockandawe

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #93 on: June 11, 2019, 01:47:49 PM »
Hi SS

We have a parrot and 2 dogs. The parrot is my h’s and he loved him so much and the dogs. He stopped walking the dogs and gave up caring for the parrot. In fact at bd he told me he had arranged for a parrot rescue centre to take him. WTF!!!
Needless to say the parrot is still here, I look after him and spent a great deal of time with him. When h arrives once a month the parrot goes very quiet and just sits and looks at h. Doesn’t say a word whilst he’s here. It’s as if the parrot knows that isn’t h!
It’s like Thunder says they don’t want the responsibility.

Shock xx

Offline megogirl

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #94 on: June 11, 2019, 02:10:58 PM »
Shock

You could have a lot of fun with that parrot

Just teach it to say "firetrucking wh0r^!".....then head on over to OW's!

Offline Thunder

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #95 on: June 11, 2019, 02:15:09 PM »
Animals have a very good sense of who are good people are who aren't to be trusted.
Instinct I guess.
 
If my dogs don't like someone I'm leery too, because they love everyone.
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Shockandawe

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #96 on: June 11, 2019, 08:27:09 PM »
True that is Thunder

Lol Mego, he’s an African grey and they are the best talkers. Very clever birds.
Our dogs still get excited when h arrives, they know the sound of his car, but not the bird, he just sits and stares at him. My h even commented on it asking if there was something wrong with the parrot.
Animals know and even though my h looks like my h, both me and the parrot know it’s not him.

God bless

Shock xx

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #97 on: June 11, 2019, 08:57:42 PM »
Journal

She came back today. When I got home, she was in the MBR, door closed, music blaring. After I had been home a few min, it goes totally silent.
Couple hours later I've made a nice dinner (like always), yell thru the door there's food if she gets hungry.

About 30-40min later she emerges.... clutching her head like she has a migraine, looks like she was asleep or something.
She starts telling me about her trip and doesn't get far before she starts yelling at the birds (they are just excited she's home). Makes her plate and goes up to the MBR and slams the door.
That's it for the night.

I don't have kids, but this is like a teen right?

-SS 
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Thunder

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #98 on: June 11, 2019, 10:49:32 PM »
Yes, exactly!

So 15 maybe?   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #99 on: June 12, 2019, 05:41:22 AM »
Journal

She came back today. When I got home, she was in the MBR, door closed, music blaring. After I had been home a few min, it goes totally silent.
Couple hours later I've made a nice dinner (like always), yell thru the door there's food if she gets hungry.

About 30-40min later she emerges.... clutching her head like she has a migraine, looks like she was asleep or something.
She starts telling me about her trip and doesn't get far before she starts yelling at the birds (they are just excited she's home). Makes her plate and goes up to the MBR and slams the door.
That's it for the night.

I don't have kids, but this is like a teen right?

-SS

Oh yeah..... Somewhere between 13-16 I'd guess... maybe a little earlier...
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Thunder

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #100 on: June 12, 2019, 05:59:44 AM »
The blaring music, the staying in her room and the slamming on the door were probably ms teen wanting negative attention.  Then she could get an argument out you.

You did good not giving it to her.  Just like teenagers they test the boundaries.
Giving it no attention will teach her you will not respond to such childish actions.

Good job!   :)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #101 on: June 12, 2019, 02:00:33 PM »
Journal

So I go home for lunch today (eating healthy.... vegetables) and I'm upstairs getting some files I need...... W shows up!!!

No "Hi" or "what are you doing here?", no... I hear her banging around in her craft room (also used as spare bedroom). So after a couple min, I go over there to say hi.
She seems to be in a good mood, and apparently in a hurry. She says "I came home to change".
Change??? What, into a dragon? Who goes home in the middle of the day to change clothes for no reason?

I say "ok", and go about my business. Boom, she's gone as quick as she was there. No "see ya" or anything. She was fiddling around in the closet... a closet with no clothes in it, just boxes of her stuff.

Man these people are sooooooo weird.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Thunder

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #102 on: June 12, 2019, 02:13:11 PM »
Aren't they??

Who knows why she felt she had to change?  Don't even go there.   ::)
A quote from a recovered MLCer: 
"From my experience if my H had let me go a long time ago, and stop pressuring me, begging, and pleading and just let go I possibly would have experienced my awakening sooner than I did."

Offline megogirl

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #103 on: June 12, 2019, 03:06:34 PM »
She says "I came home to change".
Change??? What, into a dragon? Who goes home in the middle of the day to change clothes for no reason?


OMG this is soooo MLC. 

Sometimes they do such crazy things, we can only laugh.....!

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #104 on: June 12, 2019, 08:29:52 PM »
Journal

Ok, now it makes sense...... At dinner (which she didn't eat with me) she let me know they had company pictures today. I guess she dressed real nice (I didn't see her) and she changed to be comfortable. Sheesh, some info or context would be nice.

New Behavior: I do all the cooking (I'm a good cook). She is now waiting for me to be done eating (or close to being done) and then showing up to eat. What a jerk move. On one hand, great.... less pressure. On the other hand, what a freaking jerk move. Doesn't even say thanks. The most I get now is "that smells good". You're darn toot'in it smells good!!!! I guess the small talk conversations are awkward anyway, I'm not missing much. Now I know why our conversations have been like this the last couple years (pre BD) she had already turned off!!!! Another crummy move!!!!

New Behavior: She hides in the bathroom until I've gone to work, OR ducks out when I'm getting ready in the other bathroom, OR she's done getting ready and leaves before I get up. In any case, I don't see her in the morning anymore. Another crummy move on her part.

Tonight she comes home with BIG boxes of cereal...... Chex and Crispix.... and some candy. When I don't cook, all she eats is cereal. I'm like..... Hmmmm we have cereal. I do all the grocery shopping too. Look in the cabinet.... yup, three big boxes unopened, and two boxes which are opened. She offers me some candy (I decline) and she heads upstairs to begin doing ALL the laundry in the house (she never does this).
She's still ticked off that we're going to have company (her Uncle) and lets me know she's going to a Shakespeare play with a girlfriend on Saturday night.  The only time I get ANY info is when she's making her plate... maybe I should be happy to get that.

At least I get to see family on Saturday for a graduation party for my cousin. That'll be nice..... I wonder what her uncle is going to do??? Poor guy. Maybe I should take him with me.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Silver

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #105 on: June 13, 2019, 01:12:26 AM »
Never mind about her not giving you info my friend, she could give you some but you would still monkey brain if she told you the truth, wouldn't you?
They really have a lot in common with teenagers, it's astonishing but logical actually, both are age and identity related crisis. I felt I was her father (or mother which was the dominant one in her family), so many times  :o

Just give her space, like you are. Don't go after her is she doesn't talk to you first etc.


"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #106 on: June 13, 2019, 07:29:45 PM »
Well, the eating without me is 100% confirmed. Well... good for her. Less stress, and that's what we're after.

I'm wondering.... we're so close to having zero communication in-house..... is it "normal" for a live in to not talk to you at all? That can really go on for years?!?!?
Can't say I'm prepared for that but I'll deal with it. I know for sure the next attempted R talk will feature "we don't talk anymore"..... well duh!!!

I'm wondering if I'm making mistakes by asking "how was your day" or "have a nice day" when leaving for work....... heck even "there's food downstairs if you get hungry". She's not initiating ANY talk.
Is this pursuit? It's simple manners to me, and I don't push ANYTHING..... but if it's pursuit I'm gonna stop.

Are there other things that live-in's generally do? I'm trying to be prepared so I'm not shocked. I'm great at staying calm for something expected, even if it's terrible. I'm not good keeping a poker face with surprises.

Oh a minor funny story: So I get home first, she gets in late..... I'm cleaning the birds cages before her uncle shows up tomorrow (he'll be with us Friday - Sunday.... which she is not happy about)... anyway... cleaning, cleaning... I get the top trays and bottom trays and headed outside to empty them in the trash. I open the front door and BAM!!! W is there!!!! I let out a surprised "AAAGGHHH!!!! I wasn't expecting you there"...... she had such a shocked look on her face...... I tried to cover by laughing (and it was funny)..... she comes in and does a little snort laugh just to go along with it. It's funny because I really wasn't expecting anyone there, and it was her.... it's hard enough to run into her when you know she's there.
"ARRAGH!!!!" LOL

I wonder if she's going to be able to hold a mask on the whole time her uncle is here. It's gonna be interesting. I'm not telling him anything, he'll either see or he won't. His W is my W's favorite aunt. She looks up to her a lot (well, she used to). Going to be a weekend.

-SS





W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline UrsaMajor

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #107 on: June 14, 2019, 02:34:34 AM »
SS,

In the 3 months between ABD and moving out, my STBXW was very similar, very little communication - I too got the "We don't talk." Spiel...

As far as the communication, if she has demonstrated that she doesn't want to eat with you, then stop telling her it is ready and, in fact, stop cooking for her.... She wants to do it all herself, to be on her own, then let her. I made sure that I took care of myself and the kids and that was all.

More than "Good Morning" or "Good Night" was not in anymore as she would just either snarl something back or run away or break down crying and run away.
Me - 54
STBXW - 48
Together 19 years - Married 17 at separation
S - 12
D - 8
2 Dogs (1 each)
BD#1 - August 2015
Atomic BD - 13 Dec 2015
House sold & separated - Mar 2016
Mid-Lifer filed for D
Waiting for final decree

Survival Instructions for Newbies
Site Map
 
A "friend" will not "stand by you" no matter what you do. That is NOT a friend. That is an enabler. That is an accomplice.
A REAL friend will sit you down and tell you to your face to stop being a firetrucking idiot before you ruin your life and the lives of those around you.

Offline Silver

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #108 on: June 14, 2019, 02:52:59 AM »
I guess my live-in-MLCer-Ex-Wife was different bc she cycled like h*ll and that really showed  :o She was as withdrawn as your's SS and then next week she wanted to have intimacy with me :o
She went from raging monster to 'loving' wife to cold, distant person to roommate and everything in between. No logic.

The problem in my opinion is that YOU can't really tell what SHE takes as a pressure. I was astonished when she said that I'm pressuring her with something I REALLY didn't mean or see as a pressure. It's difficult situation my friend, you don't press or pursuit yet she may take basically anything you say or do as you were.

No really right answers here I guess, see how she reacts and 180 what doesn't work. 
 
"I've seen dreams that move the mountains, hope that doesn't ever end even when the sky is falling. I've seen miracles just happen, silent prayers get answered, broken hearts become brand new. That's what faith can do." Kutless

Offline Whyus

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #109 on: June 14, 2019, 04:26:36 AM »
UM beat me to it. You have to stop cooking for her, let her eat her cereals in her room all by herself. You are just doing what you have always done which is cool but "You cannot nice them back".
Most of us have learnt this the hard way. You Sound good considering all that Attention you are not getting.
Married - 19,5 Years pre BD
Together - 21,5 Years
Me: 45
W: 45 (Acts 25)
BD 1: 10.01.2017
BD 2: 24.02.2017 OM 28 (now 30) Trainings partner. W is actually getting People to accept them.
2 Sons - 19 & 21
1 Dogs and a cat.
Own home . Sold!
Divorce Date 21.08.2018
T1  http://mlcforum.theherosspouse.com/index.php?topic=8671.0

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #110 on: June 14, 2019, 08:28:17 AM »
Hey UM,

UM... 3 months for yours before leaving...... I've been wondering what that is like.... and I've been wondering what time-frame I will get stuck with. I have little doubt that she will get the courage to go at some point, I don't think this is sustainable the way it is (for her). So far she doesn't have the courage to do it herself, but I think the stress/pressure will build in her and then BOOM. Will she tell me, or will I come home to an empty house? Who knows. It's very surprising how fast it happens though. It's not a stair-step down, that's for sure.

Did you notice any change is your W's demeanor between when talking to her or being left alone? When she talks to me, she's not bad.... cordial. When we don't talk at all, I can feel the hostility radiating off her. I know there's tremendous guilt there, but also anger and hate. This morning she ran out the door with no bye (as usual now) and I looked out my window to watch her back out of the driveway. She did something I've never seen before...... she stared at my window (there's blinds, I don't think she could see me) the whole time pulling out, and driving away. I know my W's expressions.... it was pure hate as she stared at my window. I've seen her come and go many times over the years, she never looks at my window. Today it was like she was transfixed.

Still, I'm learning to let-go..... last night after dinner I went to my study and closed the door completely. It remained closed all night. She could do whatever she wanted, it was none of my business.... let God have her. Getting over the fear of letting go will be a process and the fear that I'm closing a door instead of trying to hold it open for her. Really tough. I will have to forgive myself for being a bad H by not giving her every opportunity... it won't happen today, and it won't happen tomorrow, but someday.


Ah yes.. food.
Mine loves to eat my food, she expects it, takes it for granted. It doesn't really bother me that she isn't eating with me, it's just one of many crummy moves and I don't expect anything in return. When she does leave, buy stock in cereal companies!!! It will be very hard to not cook for her, or to not tell her there's food. I was being better (in my mind) by changing "dinner's ready" to "there's food downstairs if you get hungry". Giving her freedom while still feeling like I'm a good person. I guess my plan for dealing with this would be to go to the gym and be there during normal cooking/eating hours. I think not cooking will hasten the move out (what else am I providing that she needs?). That's a fear I'm trying to deal with too, and let go.

Let go, let go, let go...... my mind says yes..... my heart says no.

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #111 on: June 14, 2019, 09:27:29 PM »
My W's uncle arrived today to stay a couple days. Real great guy, like him a lot..... was looking forward to visiting with him.

So this morning, I get up.... W does her new normal routine of running out the door while my back is turned without a word.
I'd have liked to see her for a second, so I look out my office window to watch her pull away. She can't see me, there's blinds..... but she stares at my window and she backs up, turns the car and drives away..... Like she's transfixed. The expression on her face is one of pure hate. WOW. Talk about projection.

So I get off work at 5:00, I don't know when uncle arrives but I'm thinking I'll cook or we'll all go out to eat.... and it'll be a good first look a W's mask in front of family.
Well I get home..... no one's home. So I look at my phone and they've gone to dinner and drinks (a brew pub)..... another crummy move!!!! LOL!!!!! Why am I surprised?!?! LOL!!! I tell you I'm learning, just slowly..... my expectations are a super minimum..... I need to get that to zero.

So I shrug and go off to the gym. Had a great workout, then went a visited with my mom. It was awesome. I have to say, the relationship with my mom is the best it's ever been in my life. We talk about all kinds of deep things and she is super thrilled to know her son like never before. Good things do come out of this, really good things.

Then I go home, they are back from dinner and drinks...... I go upstairs to where they are and say "Hi"... W even says hi back. And I get right into it, talk and visit.. it was great. W tried to hang and I noticed that even when she talked, she was texting someone at the same time. How disrespectful. She dropped out for some dumb BS reason and leaves the room saying she'll be back (she doesn't come back). So I visit with him for a bit, and when I go down to find food..... like magic she appears again. She was super fake the whole time.... I don't think he noticed. I ate and left them alone. She is a coward in this alternate form. I am growing and becoming stronger. The rest of the night that I witnessed, she was texting the entire time while with him. SUPER disrespectful. We used to make fun of people who did this nonsense. Now she is one of them. What a shame.

Tomorrow is spin class, a graduation party, and Church. Can't wait.

-SS


W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #112 on: June 14, 2019, 10:11:22 PM »
You are doing really well, Standing, for someone so new to this ridiculous insanity.
Hmmm, pretty sure Uncle will notice that things are weird  :)
But it isn't your circus is it? Even if you are getting very good at spotting the monkeys!
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #113 on: June 14, 2019, 10:47:35 PM »
Hey T,
How's it going? Always nice to see you.  :D

I had a really good day..... one of my co-workers (a very attractive woman.... and I must be one of the only men to NEVER hit on her).... I stop by to check on her life (like I do so many), and she says "SS, you've lost weight.... you look REALLY good!!!!". I don't know if she was hitting on me at all, but it was really nice.
Then when I was at the gym I ran into another female co-worker, and yelled hi at her.... talked and encouraged her (she hadn't been at the gym in a long time) offered to be her weightlifting partner to motivate each other (she's in her late 60's and getting ready to retire.... she's very anxious about that)...... anyway, I go back to lifting.... she comes up from behind and says... "Wow SS.... you getting that shape from the back!!!".... I'm like, what shape? She says "That shape!!!" and does a motion with her hands..... "Oooohhh you mean the V..... yes, I'm getting my V back". She said it looks awesome, like a power lifter or something. That was very kind.

When I went to visit my mom afterward, she was watching my grandma (92)..... she has no teeth, very frail, and very catholic. I told my mom, "I maxed out two of the machines!!!...... 350lbs on the calf raise for one!!!!", I turn my leg and flex my calf's...... Granada puts her hands to her chest and exclaims in a loud voice "Oh my God!!!! Muscles!!!!" If she had teeth in, they would have flown out.
LOL!!!! It was a good day.  8)

-SS
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Treasur

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #114 on: June 14, 2019, 11:02:07 PM »
Hey Standing...you might be standing but you're human lol...compliments are always lovely  :) and we ladies never lose our ability to appreciate a fine man even if we don't touch  :)

You are lucky perhaps that you found us early...I wish I had but it took me well over a year post BD. I suspect I would have done better at detaching and accepting the reality of the insane MLC rollercoaster if I had done so, so I am glad when you and other newbies have that support. Imagine how hard it would be for LBS who never find this place and have no idea that what they are experiencing is an experience shared by so many other People?
T: 18  M: 12 (at BD) No kids.
H diagnosed with severe depression Oct 15. BD May 16. OW since April 16, maybe earlier. Silent vanisher mostly.
Divorced April 18. XH married ow 6 weeks later.
Healing and growing found here https://littleplotbythesea.wordpress.com

"Option A is not available so I need to kick the s**t out of Option B" Sheryl Sandberg

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #115 on: June 15, 2019, 07:31:02 AM »
So Uncle and W and going to breakfast.... I was about to leave for spin class.....

She said "you could join us".... I was so conflicted..... at first I said "When?", she didn't know.... So I said "ok, if my class is over I'll go"......

Here's my mistake (this is new)
Then I said "yes, I'll go.... if you want me to go... I'd enjoy that" and smiled (I because really conflicted really fast, and thought.... she asked, I shouldn't say no).
She didn't seem too happy that I accepted...... just shrugged her shoulders when I said "if you want me to go".

Arragh!!!!

Curve ball...... I'm off to breakfast with W  ;D

Expect nothing, expect nothing...... God is so good to me.

-SS
« Last Edit: June 15, 2019, 07:34:46 AM by Standing Strong »
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #116 on: June 15, 2019, 07:44:26 PM »
Breakfast was nice.... I got W to laugh a couple times (real or not, who knows).

She wore her mask the whole time, and afterward I went to flea markets then they did stuff by themselves until he went home.
I went to a graduation party and then went home for a bit before church.
I was going to thank W for inviting me to breakfast, but the door to the MBR was closed, no music, no sound, no TV...... dead silence. Asleep?

I guess wearing a mask is tiring work???? She must have worn it for 6-7 hours straight today. Can't be easy to maintain.

I went to church and the message once again was like it was just for me. The big line that stuck with me "Do your best and commit the rest (to God)"...... WOW. It's exactly what we talk about here.
W went to a play and won't be back till 11 tonight. Maybe I'll get a chance to say thank you, maybe not.

Update: Nope... no chance to say thanks..... she came home, went right to the MBR and closed the door. Not surprising.

-SS
« Last Edit: June 15, 2019, 09:19:27 PM by Standing Strong »
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

Offline Standing StrongTopic starter

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Re: Aliens stole my W!!!!
« Reply #117 on: June 16, 2019, 06:59:51 PM »
Question, need opinions:

W didn't do a R talk tonight, but she inquired about progress on getting help for us...... I let her know that I had been looking and was still looking.
She said "It's been a week..... I told you I'm running out of patience.... if we're going to do something it has to be soon".

I'm so conflicted about this. The person I found is a full psychiatrist and is PRO marriage. She would want to see both of us separately.
Now I know consoling doesn't work for MLC...... and antidepressants don't work well (if at all)... but I'm very interested in the brain chemistry getting tested. And I think if an outside person told her to hang on... maybe she would.... or maybe she would rebel.... no way to know.

The silver lining is she will willing to see help. I know this can be an excuse for "we tried everything" and she's really smart. Could easily be that.
On the other hand, she hasn't ran yet and she could have very easily. She has the means. When she gave her rings back at BD #3it was "put these back on me when this is all over" and at BD #1 she asked if this was MLC. There COULD be a part of her that does want help (unlikely, but maybe). At the very least, it would provide a more orderly disengagement instead of another BD.... I think. I'm still so new.

Ideas? Past history? Some other option?

-SS

« Last Edit: June 16, 2019, 07:50:59 PM by Standing Strong »
W - 38
M - 41
Together 24 years, M 21
No kids
BD - 27th April 2019

 

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